I’ve received enough “you’re an angry racist” emails to apply a disclaimer to my blog that I will simply assume, from now on, that any reader of my blog has read. Are you ready? Here’s the disclaimer:
DO NOT READ MY BLOG IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, OR IF YOU INSIST ON TAKING YOURSELF VERY SERIOUSLY. IF YOU READ MY BLOG ANYWAY, PLEASE SAVE YOUR EMAILS, COMMENTS, AND SINGING TELEGRAMS FOR SOMEONE WHO GIVES A SHIT.
As you can probably predict, most of the comments I get some from people who claim that I am a racist – a reasonable assumption given some of the things I write, especially about white people. Sooner or later, I will insult every ethnic group there is: asians, hispanics, blacks, native americans, arabs, and what have you. If I haven’t insulted your people yet, I apologize, and I promise that I will get to you just as soon as I can.
After reading my blog, people mount themselves comfortably upon their high horses and chastise me for this and that, telling that I’m full of hate, need to broaden my perspective, grow up, and any other number of bullshit that makes me laugh so hard I want to vomit.
It’s interesting, though, to be called a racist by so very many people whose own groups of friends and acquaintances are markedly homogenized racially. It’ll be the white girl with nine white friends and the token black and/or asian, or the asian girl with six asian friends and the token black or even hispanic – ::gasp:: maybe even two of em! I guess since these esteemed individuals have become culturally enlightened by way of fulfilling their social affirmative action requirement, it gives them license to pollute my aural receptors with a bunch of self-aggrandizing vocal vomit.
So to the ranks of the enlightened who would call me a racist because of the half-serious crap I write in my blog, I offer you the following facts about me that probably aren’t facts about you:
> My circle of CLOSEST friends spans every populated continent on the globe, and is not dominated by an overwhelming majority of any single ethnic group (3 whites, 4 blacks, 2 native americans, 3 asians, 2 indians, 2 hispanics, 1 persian, 2 arabs, and a partridge in a pear tree).
(Note: I define a ‘close’ friend as someone I’d happily lie to the cops for.)
> Whoever I marry will not have to deal with any political or familial bullshit (from my side) regarding their race, in any way, shape, or form, regardless of what their race is – even if they’re white
> My children will play with children of other races, and it won’t be something I have to consciously force or remind myself to do as a matter of course.
I don’t care how careful you are with your fucking words regarding race, nor do I care about your one or two black friends that ‘prove’ you’re not a racist. Racism, or a lack thereof, is proven by the three things that matter most to you: your willingness to have close friends of another race, your willingness to UNEQUIVOCABLY accept someone of another race as your spouse, and your willingness to let your children socialize and personally develop with children of other races. If any of those three things gives you any trouble whatsoever, you are a racist, and I don’t wanna hear a fucking peep out of you on the subject of race for as long as I live.
For anyone that knows me, I spout off at the mouth about race because my friends are ethnically diverse, and we routinely break each others balls about our races for no other reason than that it’s funny.
I know that people who don’t agree with me will speak up with deeply insightful questions such as “why can’t you keep these thoughts to yourself instead of posting public blogs?” or “you seem like a cool guy, but these comments/blogs are making you look like an ass” Here’s the easiest answer:
BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO.
I simply don’t have the inclination to bow to the requests of people who take themselves so seriously that they get offended by statements that are so blithely hyperbolic that even a chimp could understand that it’s merely jest. And as for people thinking I’m an ass…I am not a politician, and I therefore find complete strangers’ opinions of my character to be quite fucking irrelevant.
So, you have a choice. Lighten up and enjoy the blog, or go do something else with your time and come back when you get over yourself.