29 08 2008

This is the final post, and we all knew this was coming…

Nigger. The word is foul. It is at the very tip top of a tall pyramid of racial slurs used for black people – the people for whom more flagrant racial slurs exist than any other race.

Figure 1: The Big Damn Pyramid of Black Lexical Hate

Notwithstanding the atrociousness of the word itself, ‘Nigger’ has had a very interesting history. It naturally started out as a dismissive term used by whites to describe blacks, and it didn’t even necessarily have racist connotations. It remained in this form until the 19th century, when the term slowly transformed from racial to racist. The racist connotation of ‘nigger’ came to a head during the Civil Rights movement, by whose time the word had gone well beyond descriptive and dismissive, becoming instead an angry and proactive way to harshly degrade blacks (in parallel with the term ‘boy’ applied to grown fucking men).

Then came the hip hop generation, and the shit got complicated. Namely, black people started using the word everywhere from the corner store to the recording studio in what has widely been regarded as an effort to ‘take back’ the word and remove its harmful power. However good the intentions were in doing this, a single clear negative consequence arose…

Well-meaning whites started thinking it was OK to say it, too.

Figure 2: Viacom Viacom fucking goddamn Viacom

Oddly enough, when black people started using the word, non-blacks (whites in particular) wanted to convince themselves that the word ceased to be as a racial slur, and that it was OK for everyone to use it. Ignoring the patent weirdness of so-called non-racist white people being so eager to call black people ‘niggers’, every black person in America has certainly heard a non-black person make the following statement with complete and utter sincerity:

“I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”

This person is usually named ‘Chad’ and looks like this fucking guy:

Figure 3: Chad Biffington Toddwell IV

Before I address Chad, I need to explain something. Black people, like all people, have what’s called a boiling point. A boiling point is a person’s psychological threshold which, when crossed, causes that person to lose control of his or her normally functioning self. Each time a person is angered, fucked with, betrayed, or otherwise ill-treated, that person gets closer to his boiling point. Interestingly, race tends to be the determining factor in the behavior that results when a person actually reaches his boiling point. For example:

Figure 4: Losing their Shit (l to r): Whites, Asians, Arabs, Hispanics, Blacks

When Chad asks a black person “why can’t I say ‘nigger'”, 95% of black people reach their boiling point IMMEDIATELY. Contrary to popular belief, though, a black person who reaches his boiling point will usually not shoot you, shank you, or date your daughter…he will simply shut down intellectually. A blank, idiotic look creeps over his face, after which he will try to give you a response, but the words simply don’t come. He shakes his head and walks away exasperated, leaving Chad with the mistaken impression that he has a good point.

Figure 5: The goat-like stare of a black man (the author) at his boiling point

Fortunately, I’ve heard the Chad Question so many times that I’ve developed a scripted response to it:

Chad: “I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”
Me: “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Chad: “Uh, yea…”
Me: “Do you fuck her?”
Chad: “…..yeah….”
Me: “Cool. Mind if I fuck her?”
Me: “I don’t get it. I mean, if you can fuck her then why can’t I?”

Unfortunately, this response isn’t given nearly often enough, so now we’re at the point where white people are so comfortable with the word ‘nigger’ that it can be heard, uncensored, on television programs that won’t even allow vaginas (not women) to be referred to as ‘pussies’. Abso-fucking-lutely amazing.

Barack Obama winning the presidency combined with newfound white comfort with the ‘N’ word will create the perfect storm of conditions for The Man to declare racism legally dead. After that, the only way we’ll be able to get them to examine their own inherent racsim will be to show them pictures of my friends like this one and demand they recognize how angry/uncomfortable they became:

Figure 6: Beige babies, anyone?