30 04 2008

Figure 1: Ethiopia

It’s no secret to those who know me that I fucking love Ethiopian women. I would happily run over my best friends with a choo-choo train just to get a good look at an attractive Ethiopian woman. Kinda ironic that I’m about to rake them over the coals…

Fuck it.

I’ve been somewhat embittered against Ethiopians, the women in particular, ever since a particular Ethiopian bartender did the following:

  • Kept smiling at and eyefucking me for a good five minutes
  • Sent another bartender to tell me I should talk to her (I was drunk and didn’t recognize the flirtation)
  • Proceeded to chat me up for 30 fucking minutes; laughing, smiling, punching me in the arm
  • Told me, after all this time, that she would not give me her number because “you’re too much of a pretty boy, you’re a player.”

As an entrepreneur, nothing enrages me more than when strangers waste my time – especially my free time. This heifer from the east cost me 30 minutes of company with my good friends the Admiral Furious, Chicken Jon, Shabooty, and other colorful characters. I became even more enraged about three weeks later when I returned to the bar and found her hugged up on a white dude who, for lack of a better description, looked like the upper half of my dick. I don’t claim to be a great looking guy, but I’ll be damned if I don’t know ugly when I see it…and this motherfucker was, on his best day, a billy goat.

Figure 2: Ethiopian girl and her white boyfriend…or at least how I remember them

Ethiopians freak black Americans (BAs) out more than any other type of continental African (CA). Like BAs and CAs, Ethiopians came from Africa at some point, but that’s where the similarities end. They are an enigmatic people – seen in public far more frequently than CAs, but left bizarrely out of social reach. While BAs and CAs are often seen in the company of one another, it is a rare thing to see Ethiopians in mixed company. In fact, it is rare to see an Ethiopian outside of a parking garage or a taxi cab – two industries upon which they retain an eternal east African kung fu grip that, amazingly, has never EVER been broken – not even by the Mob.

If you get up the nerve to speak to a group of Ethiopians, they silently select a ring leader. The ring leader will talk to you in a weird but hot accent while the rest of them pretend to have no idea what the fuck is going on. Every few sentences, the ring leader will turn around and say something to the rest of the pack in Ethiopian as if she is translating. What she is really saying is “I’ll bet his family owns only three taxi cabs, yes?” This explains why the Ethiopians always laugh/giggle at all these ‘translations’, even when the last thing you said to the ring leader was “Yea, the cancer’s terminal.”

Their mysterious nature coupled with their odd financial prowess has led some BAs* to refer to Ethiopians as the Jews of Niggerdom.

Physically, Ethiopians tend to have a bizarre olive/caramel complexion, sunken eyes, wavy hair, massive foreheads (like mine) and, for whatever sick reason in my mind, they bear a vague semblance to ancient Egyptian mummies. Each has a look as if he/she is the product of two people, one from the Ivory Coast and one from Italy, who slammed into each other while running at full speed and formed a single person. It didn’t work out so well for the men, but most of the women are absolutely fucking goddamn drop dead gorgeous.

Figure 3: Beyonce could look like this, but instead she decided to be a sellout cock-whore

Maybe I’m bitter. So fucking what. You’d be bitter too if you had to put up with this shit:

Figure 3: I hope Dan Snyder’s sons are born with chocolate cocks on a hot day

* Me