Self-Censorship

21 08 2008

I’m going to be calling out several of my own commenters with this post, but I don’t fucking care. If you go to the comments section of virtually any site that allows it (e.g. blogs, YouTube, Break.com, CNN.com, etc.), you will notice an inordinate number of comments like this:

“I don’t think Hillary had any business crying on television. It portrayed her as f*cking weak and set back the feminist movement by 30 years. Thanks, you f*cking c—”

or

“This guy approached me at a bookstore and had the nerve to ask for my number. What the fawk was he thinking? The shyt was just straight corny.”

Really? REALLY? Do you seriously fucking think that throwing an asterisk, or a hyphen, or spelling the word different somehow makes you better than people who actually swear? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!??!

Figure 1: Fucker.

The ludicrosity of censoring your typed swearing is surpassed only by the word ‘ludicrosity.’ Just think about the thought process involved:

“Ok, I’m pissed. I wanna swear, but that just wouldn’t be Christian. I’m a nice girl*, so how do I convey vulgarity without actually being vulgar. I know! I’ll disguise my swearing! If I don’t actually type the letters F U C K, then I won’t go to hell and everyone will still think I’m a nice person. Here we go! [types F $ # *]. Wow! I’m fucking awesome! Oops…I hope Jesus didn’t hear that!”

This kind of self-censorship is not unlike the “I’m not touching you” game. You put your finger as close as you can to someone’s face without actually touching them and, for good measure, you say “I’m not touching yoooooooou” in the most annoying voice you can muster. Inevitably, the person you’re not touching flips out and punches you in the scrotum. The offense you’re avoiding (touching someone) is far less annoying than coming incredibly close to doing it without actually doing it (“I’m not touching yooooooou”).

Figure 2: For the visual learner…

The next time you meet a self-censoring assfuck in person, please do at least one of the following:

1.) If it’s a girl and you’re a guy, pull out your penis. Chase her around the room yelling “I’m not raping yooooooooou!”

2.) If its’ one of your employees, grab a pink slip, wave it in her face, and say “I’m not firing yoooooooooou.”

3.) If it’s your girlfriend, make a videotape of you and her fucking, and blur out the genitalia. Show the tape to her family. When they flip out, say “what’s the problem? It’s censored!”

Figure 3: Same thing as ‘F*ck’

4.) Club her and eat her bones.

Please, if you want to curse, JUST FUCKING CURSE! Watch me: FUCK ASS SHIT DICK DOUCHE CUNT FART COCK DAMN HELL BUTTHOLE BALLS TWAT NUTSACK CUNNILINGUS GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCK SONOFA’BITCH MCCAIN.

See? It’s easy and it makes you feel better. But most importantly, it doesn’t make you look like a fucking pompous asshole who thinks that typing ‘SH!T’ is somehow less offensive than just typing ‘SHIT’. If you insist on self-censorship, then I hope with every fiber of my being that you are reincarnated as a gut maggot.

* It’s ALWAYS a fucking girl





Thoughts for Tuesday: Project Update

19 08 2008

I had a goddamn hard drive crash yesterday and lost about 50 pages of my work on the upcoming book. Needless to say, there will be a delay. 50 pages sets me back about 2 weeks, so be prepared for a book launch in mid-September rather than the end of this month.

I’ll be announcing the official release date (when I know it) on Facebook:

Click Me: Stuff Black People Hate Facebook Group

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.





Reverse Racism

18 08 2008

America was founded on divisions of race. It can be argued that the story of the country became largely white vs. red after the French and Indian War. After the Revolution and over time as frontiers turned into settled country, those established parts of the country – particularly in the south – were focused on white vs. black. Then the ‘immigrants’ came in. Whitey was constantly defending himself from the onslaught of various minorities (in the words of the immortal Dave Chappelle – “niggers, jews, a-rabs, homosexuals, mexicans, and all them different kinds of chinks…”) attempting to stake a claim in the American dream.

Figure 1: Let’s face it. This is all they were really scared of.

While white people have enjoyed and even relished in the role of Oppressor for the past few centuries, two phenomena are beginning to take its place. One is the ever recognizable white guilt, which spawns everything from white women who are willing only to date black men, to the pre-2008 Clintons, to Wiggers. There is, however, a growing community of white people who are fed up with white guilt but stop well short of being white supremacists (who have never subscribed to white guilt). The most interesting thing about this group is that a growing number of non-whites, particularly asians, are joining their ranks.

This is the community of people who attempt to negate the cascading effects of hundreds of years of slavery and institutionalized racism by trying to convince black people (and everyone else) that they also face ‘discrimination’ and have a similar history of oppression. This is why it’s so popular these days for white people to claim Irish ancestry – the Irish are perhaps the only group of white people in America that were ever systematically stigmatized by the dominant society. I refer to these people as Mark 2’s, which is what I’d assume U.S. Marines would call idiots running around yelling “ME TOO!” when other people discuss racism.

The typical Mark 2 will usually cite some trite instance where black (or white) people made them uncomfortable and compare that to the lingering effects of several centuries of slavery, Jim Crow, gentrification, modern day institutionalized racism, and semi-conscious stigmatization that black people have to deal with EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY OF THEIR LIVES. For the visual learner:

Figure 2: Inside the mind of the Mark 2

Yes, white people will point out the time when they walked onto a nearly all-black basketball court and got funny looks from people, and actually think that’s comparable to, say, black unemployment being fueled by deliberate strangulation of public transportation (which poor people need to get to interviews and to work) funding in poor black neighborhoods. Asian people will reflect on a time when a white dude made slanty eyes and yelled “ME SO SOLLY!” and thinks that’s just as damaging as the Superpredator stereotype. Fucking awesome.

The next Indian (red dot, not feather) asshole to approach me and say “shut the fuck up – black people aren’t the only people that get discriminated against in this country” is going to watch in horror as I make a peace pipe (feather, not red dot) out of his trachea. I wonder what a rape victim thinks when some chick who got her ass pinched by a lecherous boss walks up to her and says “You know, you’re not the only one that’s had a guy force himself on you.”

I need a fucking therapist.





To My Readers: Happy Hangover Day

15 08 2008

I am way too fucking hung over to write anything coherent today.

After arriving back at my condo with my drunk ass friends (Chicken Jon, Landmine, and Mandrew) and falling asleep on the couch, I woke up 4 hours later to discover all my fried chicken eaten, nachos and other stoner food that I didn’t even know I had sitting on the kitchen counter, my thermostat turned down to 59 degrees (Chicken Jon is ALWAYS too hot), and the phrase “I Love Penis” set as my Google Chat status message.

And I get to do it all over again tonight.

Pray for me. I’ll make this up with an extra post next week.

-Chris





Thoughts for Thursday: Approachability

14 08 2008

Through no fault of my own, I’ve been going out and getting drunk pretty much every day since last Friday. Every single time I’ve gone out I’ve noticed something that’s enraged me: attractive black women standing around dancing with nobody and, in many cases, seeming not to be having fun even within their own groups. This enrages me because hot black women are standing around bored while marginally attractive white women and asian/indian women who are so short they can’t ride most rollercoasters have the time of their lives.

As an astute observer of human behavior, I’ve noticed (and in some cases even documented) the behavior of black women in particular that tends to make them less approachable than members of other races. The following are my tips for increasing your approachability based on what I’ve seen. Before you jump down my throat, please understand that I am aware of other factors that our ladies have no control over that cause people to ‘pass over’ black girls. These are just simple tips to stack the odds a little more in your favor.

1.) Avoid large groups. Black women tend to follow an “if you’re gonna do it, do it big” philosophy when it comes to going out. They call all their fucking girlfriends and wind up at the club 8 – 10 deep. Unlike guys, they don’t show up and split up – they just stay together. Even the most confident and arrogant bastard in the world isn’t going to approach an entire platoon of women no matter how good they look. If you’re looking to snag (Indian term for communing with the opposite sex), you should roll preferably 2 deep but no more than 3 deep because guys usually ‘hunt’ alone or with one other guy. If you do show up in a group, split up into pairs and reconvene later.

2.) Body language. The thing that sucks about being a woman is that smiling and otherwise appearing approachable means that you’re going to have about 10 bozos approaching you for every non-bozo. I imagine this gets tiresome. Nonetheless, unless you run into someone who views making a scowling woman smile as a challenge, the scowl, folded arms, hands on hips, weight on one leg, and other negative indicators are just telling guys “this girl is in ‘bitch’ mode, and I’d just be wasting my time.”

3.) No Crescent. I’ve noticed that large groups of black women will, instead of dancing, line up in a weird Crescent-shaped formation near the walls. In this formation, you can usually see them pointing and laughing at people on the dance floor, which is never a good sign. Like a girl with her arms folded, the Crescent Formation casts a ‘Bitch’ shadow over the entire group and puts out a strong Waiting to Exhale vibe. If you’re in a big group, circle up and dance together. That invites the opportunity for a guy to ‘accidentally’ bump into you.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I’m sure there are others, and I’m sure the ladies have advice for men. Enjoy.

-Chris





Porn

13 08 2008

Porn, if you think about it, is perhaps one of the most ridiculous creations of all time. Women (and men) are paid to get naked in front of a camera so that people who will never ever meet them get to whack off to their likenesses.

The reason I have a problem with porn is that I’ve never understood men who get excited by the mere presence of attractive women. Wet T-Shirt contests, Coyote Ugly bars, ‘Lingerie’ parties, and cheerleaders have never made sense to me because what the hell is the point of looking if I can’t touch? That’s not to say that I won’t oggle a hot thong-bearing woman if she happens to pass by – but a club flyer advertising “FEMALE HOT OIL WRESTLING” is more likely to make me avoid the event than attend it. I digress.

Figure 1: Yes it’s hot…but so fucking what?

Porn magazines (Playboy, Hustler), and pseudo-porn magazines (Maxim, FHM) make the least sense to me because all the models are airbrushed to a perfection that could never exist naturally. Some guys argue that there is nothing wrong with choking it to the sight of a woman rendered physically flawless with Photoshop, to which I respond that they are effectively beating off to a cartoon character. I am then usually called a ‘fag’ and the discussion is pretty much over.

I didn’t realize exactly to what extent people are airbrushed, however, until I had the retina-searing experience of watching the worst type of porn in existence (home-made porn) starring one of my best friends and Jen from The Real World Denver (see the end of this post for the full story). If Jen were in a porn rag, her likeness would be very similar to the one here from the MTV website:

Figure 2: Jen from The Real World: Denver, roundly defiled by ‘Tom Harkin’

The girl pictured above is two things: 1.) fairly attractive, and 2.) a lie. The girl my buddy made sexy time with was definitely Jen, but to say she closely resembled the woman in the picture would be stretching the truth like a 280lb woman stretching a size 6.

Anyways, let’s move on from still-image porn to good old motion picture porn. Since we already know it sucks, I’m going to use the rest of this post to give you ways to enjoy it as best as can be expected.

The best way for the intellectual pornographeur to enjoy video porn is to examine the actresses for the physical flaws that kept them out of mainstream Hollywood or Indie films. The following is a list of some of the more common flaws* I’ve discovered:

  • Gigantic feet
  • Cock-eyedness
  • Huge Nose
  • Enormous, bulbous head
  • Bullet wounds, C-Section scars, visible drug needle marks
  • Botched boob job
  • Asymmetric booty
  • Toofusses

For those who aren’t familiar with porn, you should start out with the amateur stuff to cut your teeth because it’s very easy to spot the flaws. Once you’ve got a few callouts under your belt you can move up to the high class stuff with good production values and maybe even a semi-plausible storyline. Spotting flaws in mainstream porn actresses like Tera Patrick and Jenna Jamieson [sp?] is quite challenging but nonetheless possible.

Figure 3: Well, maybe not all that challenging.

You can increase the fun by getting a bunch of your friends together and making a drinking game out of the whole affair. Everytime someone spots a flaw that everyone agrees on, everybody takes a shot. You can also toss shots back when the following things happen:

  • Revelation of bizarre piercings (anal and scrotal are particularly unique)
  • One of the actors shouts out something ridiculous mid-coitus (e.g. “TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!!!”)
  • Actress fakes an orgasm
  • An ass gets smacked unusually hard
  • An insanely unattractive male actor shows up on screen (take another shot for every ten seconds you can look at him without blinking or vomiting)
  • A named sex act occurs (e.g. hot carl, dirty sanchez, jersey meat hook, angry dragon, sneaky indian, rusty trombone, dutch oven, etc.)

Drinking games aside, porn gives you some pretty depressing insight into the American male psyche. An inordinate number of us seem hell-bent on fucking teenagers and asians (and the coveted asian teenager), looking up the skirts of unsuspecting women, and banging chicks in their fifties. Do not even get me started on the Japanese shit – the rule over there seems to be “the more pain the woman is in, the better.” And the Germans. Dear sweet Lord let’s not even talk about the Germans.

Figure 4: Why the fuck is this supposed to be sexy?

And then, in a class all its own, is shit like Two Girls One Cup. Jumping Jesus Christ it’s only Wednesday and I already need a drink…

Aside: The Real World Sex Tape Story

A friend of mine (who has commented on earlier posts in the blog as ‘Tom Harkin’) somehow ran into Jen from The Real World: Denver at some dive bar in Alabama. Drunk off her ass, she pulls Tom Harkin aside and says “YOOOOUUU’RE HOT!” Somehow, they wind up in a motel room, and Tom Harkin says “I’m going to record us fucking, ok?” (he always has a camcorder in his car to document illegal things done to him by the cops when he gets pulled over).

Tom Harkin then proceeds to fuck the living bajeezus out of this girl for well over an hour. The grossness of the episode was mitigated somewhat by the hilarity of him keeping his glasses on the entire time, occasionally sticking his tongue out and nodding approvingly toward the camera, and, as the coup de gras, having Jen say “Signing Off” at the end of the video.

You may be asking “why the fuck did you watch that tape?” There are three reasons. First, I didn’t believe the motherfucker and I demanded proof. Second, we had to watch the whole tape in order to see Jen from enough angles to actually confirm that it was, indeed, Jen. Third, Tom Harkin barged into Shabooty’s condo and hooked up the camera to the TV before any of us could ask him what the fuck he was doing.

End Aside

* Interestingly, nearly all of these flaws apply to Angelina Jolie, and yet she isn’t in porn – not including all those times she openly admitted to celeb journalists that she just got done porking Billy-slob Thornton.





Thoughts for Tuesday: Caption This Photo

12 08 2008

I absolutely positively cannot stop laughing.