Tricked Out Cars

11 08 2008

I was recently telling a buddy of mine that I’m thinking about heading to California for a few days, at which point he immediately reminded me that I would be assaulted without end by one of the things I hate more than just about anything on the whole entire planet: Tricked Out Cars.

Tricked out cars, like most things I hate, don’t piss me off for conventional reasons. I don’t hate them because I’m ‘hating’. I don’t hate them because the men (and a few cock-envying women) that drive them tend to be pompous douchebags.

I hate them because they are a constant reminder of the fact that people make shitty decisions, and they are still allowed the same number of votes that I am.

Tricking out your car can start with one of two items – your wheels, or your sound system. Where you start depends on which gender of impressionable fucktard you’re most interested in wowing with your irresponsible spending habits that you’ve adopted, quite ironically, to mask an utter lack of personality*.

Wheels (rims) tend to be more expensive but are easier to install and are more noticeable to impressionable female idiots. This is a good place to start if you have a lot of money but don’t have a clue. Sound systems aren’t quite as expensive as rims, but are far more complicated to install and, if installed correctly, present an intimidation factor that wows impressionable male idiots.

Figure 1: Can you get silicosis from your own tits?

After you’ve poured anywhere between $10K – $20K into your depreciating asset and augmented the #1 macro-level cause of black and brown people in this country not having a goddamn motherfucking dime to their names with which to combat what seems to be an increasingly correct perception among the general public that black and brown twenty-something males are, without a doubt, the most uncompromising, ferocious, and proactive bringers of self-destruction on the face of this fucked up planet…you’re ready to move on to paint.

Lots of guys prefer to go with flame or fire designs, because it lets you use just one symbol to make two statements: 1.) I have a fast car, and 2.) I am a homosexual. If you’re not (completely) gay, you can go with some kind of neon glitter paint design, a bi/tri color sport design like in Figure 1, or some insanely intricate portrait/tribal-tatoo/asian calligraphy design. Either way, be prepared to shell out an additional $1K – $5K for your paint depending on the complexity of the design and reputation of the artist.

Figure 2: You can avoid looking like a queer if your car looks like it was involved in a 30’s mob war

At this point, you’re at a fork in the road that gives you two ways to extend your automotive bender of stupidity. You can either go the Gran Turismo route and try to make your car as fast as possible, or you can go the purely aesthetic route and start adding unnecessary accessories.

The Gran Turismo route is the way to impress guys. The easiest way to tune your car for racing is to buy a stronger clutch, get a lighter flywheel, upgrade the exhaust, install a turbocharger (or, if you like spending money for no reason – and of course you do – a supercharger) and NOS canisters, tack on a boost controller, install carbon fiber paneling, get some kind of engine-regulating chip thrown in, buy tires and a new suspension that can handle the speed, and then apologize to your father for being born.

You’ve just spent $30,000 to make a 1997 Honda Civic do 0-60 in 5 seconds when you could have used the same amount of cash (plus the $10K – $25K you spent on rims, stereo, and paint) on a late model S4, M3, or Z06 and had time left over to make more money, work on your personality, and otherwise not be an idiot. Oh well.

Once you’ve done all this, you can spend Friday night at the oversized parking lot in a Taco Bell or gas station where two dozen other douches park their cars and rev their engines for no damn reason. When chicks approach, you can tell them what you did to your car and they’ll think you’re awesome because they have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I’m not even being sarcastic at this point. There is at least one girl reading this blog right now sporting a newly moistened vagina because the last paragraph would seem to indicate that I know what the hell I’m talking about. Jesus Tapdancing Christ.

Figure 3: No matter what you do, at the end of the day it’s still a fucking Civic

The purely aesthetic route is that taken by people who want to spend less money but still create the illusion of speed. There are a number of ways to do this: install fog lights, paint your calipers red, put stickers all the fuck over your windshield, add undercarriage and/or interior glow lighting (add a blacklight if you want to be able to see the semen spit out by the chicks who are actually addicted to enough coke to suck your lumber in your car), get your seats reupholstered with ‘illegal leoparrrrrrrd’ (hispanics only), install a rear spoiler on your front wheel drive car (you stupid sonofabitch), install useless body paneling and fake intakes, add brightly colored engine hoses and chromed engine components, tint the windows, and replace the steering wheel with a low-diameter ‘rally’ wheel.

Once you’ve done all this, go out and snag yourself a chick, then bask in your own hypocrisy when you find out she has fake hair, fake fingernails, fake eyelashes, fake color contacts, caps on her teeth, spray-on tan, fake tits, empire waist top hiding her gut, and bad credit…and you have the nerve to get upset at her when you’re doing the EXACT SAME THING.

* It’s ironic because a unique car is supposed to achieve one of three things: a.) make you appear to have unique personality and moxie, b.) make you appear wealthy, or c.) both**. People targeting goal A, however, never have personality. If they did, they wouldn’t need the fucking car.

** There is a tiny minority population of guys who trick out their cars because that’s just what they love to do. These cats I have no problem with.

The ‘Hater’ Defense

23 07 2008

Black people love to argue with and bash one another. Most of the time it’s done in jest, even if the arguments we make against one another are completely sound. I’ve spent a lot of time on this site bashing various groups of people and individuals, including but certainly not limited to:

  • Black People
  • Persians
  • Beyonce
  • Creoles
  • Ethiopians
  • Pro Athletes
  • Greek Org Members

Naturally, each of these tongue-in-cheek polemics were taken seriously by some idiot (or, more often, legions of idiots) who would then leave indignant comments for all our amusement, and insanely lengthy emails for me to roll my eyes at and delete.

What’s interesting, though, is how quickly the logic of my arguments was dismissed by these jumping jackasses who, instead of debating me, simply refer to me as a ‘hater’. Their ‘argument’ is always that I am somehow jealous of the people I rail against – while they conveniently ignore the fact that, in other posts, I throw rhetorical poop at groups that I myself belong to.

For instance: my tirade against black women was attributed to my so-called lack of charm to snag them. The Persian post was the result of me wishing I was rich and could pull the girls they do. Several people said I can’t stand Beyonce because she gets to take, and I quote, “million dollar vacations”. I’m apparently angry at Creoles and Ethiopians because they’re to pretty for me and I can’t have them, I hate pro-athletes because they have more money than I ever will, and I’m mad at frat/soror members because I didn’t get a bid.

Of course, I can understand why these arguments are so frequently made. Anybody that’s been alive for more than 21 years knows that most people are idiots, and by extension, most people do idiotic things. Stupid is as stupid does. Among the favorite activities of the idiotic is arguing with people, which is admittedly something both idiots and non-idiots enjoy. What makes idiots unique (but by no means rare) is the fact that they’re utterly incapable of responding to a person’s arguments with logical and irrefutable counterpoints*. Instead, they follow this process:

Figure 1: Dummies for Dummies (click to enlarge)

Accusing people of jealously is a kneejerk reaction akin to immediately accusing people of racism when they criticize Black people. It’s the type of reaction that causes idiots, for example, to dismiss my entire argument against fraternities/sororities because I (jokingly) referred to stepping as ‘stomp dancing’. This is precisely the type of reaction that we need to do away with. Our tendency to make emotion-filled but logically empty arguments is one of the reasons so many people don’t take black people seriously**. Most people don’t make sound arguments like Michael Dyson’s argument against Bill Cosby. They instead yell “RACIST!” and when asked why, they just yell “RACIST!” even louder.

I am issuing a call to all black people right here and now: if you disagree with someone, DO NOT OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH UNTIL YOU CAN ARGUE WITH THEM USING REASON AND LOGIC. Otherwise, you are making us all look bad. Furthermore, if you know someone prone to doing this – INTERCEPT THEM BEFORE THEY DO IT. They are fucking up the black community from the inside out, and the shit has to stop.

Somehow, I should find a way to incorporate the silencing of morons into the…project.

*This only occurs in the case where they’re attacking someone else’s arguments. If they’re defending their own arguments, they do so by examining the attacking argument for spelling errors and, if they find one, they tell you that you are wrong. That’s why there are hundreds of comments on this blog consisting of a single word or even a single character written solely to correct the spelling or grammar of a person’s own previous comment: those commentors are aware that idiots are everywhere, and apparently a lot of them read (and write) this blog.

**Emotional reactions are not unique to Black people, but we happen to be a group that can’t afford to make them. Spare me any angry emails, please.

Fraternities and Sororities

6 06 2008

Just to begin: I know this post is a bad idea. I know that a good 90% of my readers are members of Greek organizations. I also know that I don’t give a shit. With that said…

Last night I wound up on StuffBlackGreeksLike. The June 5th entry featured an angry email (I like anger) from some indignant chick demanding her picture and comments about her be removed from a previous post that was apparently a literary suplex of her moral character. I was naturally intrigued by what was said to make her so angry, so I read on to the post in question – something about ‘Making Ghosts.

Figure 1: Stuff Black Greeks Hate – This Chick

The ‘Making Ghosts’ post is the most insanely cryptic thing I’ve ever read, which is impressive considering that articles like this one make perfect sense to me. Strange proprietary words like ghost, perp, yard, line, and BGLO were scattered casually throughout the page as if the author and those in the know were tacitly thumbing their noses at those who were not.

But the reason this enraged me wasn’t because I had no idea what was being talked about. It was because, while reading it, I couldn’t help but imagine a bunch of 9 year olds who’d formed a secret club beating up on some chick who was ‘pretending’ to be a member. There’s honestly something very…juvenile…about the whole ‘treehouse’ juju surrounding fraternities and sororities (which for brevity’s sake I’ll simply refer to now as GOs – Greek Orgs).

The biggest gripe I have with GOs is that they claim to be social organizations while their very existence relies on practices that are fundamentally anti-social: secrecy, exclusivity, rivalry, and other things that appeal to sociopaths. Many GOs make inordinate demands on the time of their pledges during a time when students are most likely to drop out, and when it comes to black GOs I simply think they should know better and be more socially responsible. Then, of course, there’s the fact that shit like this happens:

Figure 2: …..Why?

Since I was genuinely curious, I figured I’d look around on Google for a list of benefits of joining GOs as told by Greeks themselves. After 4 minutes of groundbreaking research…I couldn’t find much benefit, especially for people that don’t have a socially awkward nature. The top benefits listed were:

  • You get to meet new people (I fail to see why you need a GO to do this)
  • You get to participate in community service activities (I fail to see why you need a GO to do this)
  • You may get to live in a frathouse (So what?)
  • You get to treat new pledges like shit once you’re a member (ok, psycho)
  • You participate in ‘secret’ Greek events (I’ve crashed several of these so-called secret events, which always just turned out to be a barbecue or house party or some shit instead the Priory-of-Sion-type goings on I was hoping for)
  • Stomp Dancing*

This pales in comparison to what I view as the downside of joining a GO:

  • During your pledge period, you typically have to kiss the asses of people who don’t even deserve respect from their own mothers
  • Your pledge period has a very good chance of fucking up your freshman year, particularly if your major demands more than a pulse to succeed
  • You often have to learn intricate and inane rituals, codes, speech, handshakes, and other childish bullshit
  • You often have to adopt tiresome rivalries with other GOs for no other reason than “it’s tradition”
  • Elephant Walk
  • You have to attend national or regional conferences where you meet a bunch of Fake CEOs, douchebags with master’s degrees, and other people that God is chomping at the bit to wipe out with a second flood
  • After you graduate, you have to fish the oceans of your soul for reasons that your GO is still relevant to you, or anything at all

Figure 3: The only fraternity that ever mattered

*Even I’ll admit that Stomp is cool. If, however, I catch my son Stomping, I will murder him. Stomping is an intricate, coordinated dance that takes a fairly long time to learn to do well…and it’s all time my boy could have and should have spent studying or wrestling grizzly bears. I’ll be damned if my boy is going to be flipping burgers with his degree in ‘general studies’ because he wanted to “stomp like an Iota”

Interracial Dating

12 05 2008

Interracial dating has been a sore spot for both black people and the non-black people that engage them (and vice-versa) ever since the two groups were introduced to one another. Unfortunate historical circumstances coupled with natural human aversion to unfamiliar people have caused this topic, which is fundamentally a rather stupid one when it really comes down to it, to bubble up more rage and animosity than one might have for the crazy dude that hypothetically tried to murder his family.

To find out how pissed off people get about interracial dating, all you have to do is go to the comments sections of the FAQ page or Subtle Racism III: Asian Chicks. There you will find all manner of racial poop flinging, much of it coming from black men and black women telling each other how much they suck.

Figure 1: I can’t wait for some jackass to cry ‘racist’ over this image

You’ll witness black men saying that black women have too much attitude or are self-defeating; black women telling black men that they’re stuck up or that white guys are more polite and ‘evolved’, and what have you. It’s the most ridiculous pile of tripe I’ve ever been exposed to in recent memory.

When the shit chucking dies down a bit, we sometimes get into the reasons that people (black men, in particular) choose to date out. Some guys have legitimate reasons, while others either make sweeping comments about the anger of black women, or the supposed superior physical attractiveness of non-black women…or some people have this guy’s motives:

Figure 2: My friends are hysterical

Most people like to focus on the ‘why’ of interracial dating, but I personally like to focus on another question:

Who the fuck cares?

There are two things that enrage me about interracial dating as a topic (as opposed to the actual act of dating out, which I am fine with):

1.) We’re all going to die.

I don’t mean just the people that are alive today, or our children, or their descendants. I mean everybody, forever. After awhile, the sun is going to burn out all its fuel and expand as it cools. As it expands, it will swallow Mercury and Venus, and turn the surface of the Earth into liquid-hot magma before the planet is itself consumed by the sun. When that happens, no one will remember us. No will know that we were ever here. Nothing that has ever happened in the entire course of not just human history, but the entire history of planet Earth, will matter.

Figure 3: It WILL happen…

Looking at the issue through a cosmic lens makes ruffled feathers over a black man/yellow woman combo seem rather stupid, but it would also seem to justify things like murder and rape. I don’t really think this is a fair comparison because, regardless of your perspective on how doomed we as humans are, murder and rape are objectively evil. Even babies seem to recognize that these things are wrong. But ill-feeling toward interracial relationships is learned behavior, and most sane people wouldn’t say such relationships are inherently evil.

Ignoring things that are going to happen billions of years from now, there is a much more down-to-earth reason that interracial dating can be a problem:

2.) Some black people use interracial dating as a referendum on the ‘date-ability’ of their own race.

It enrages me that anyone would have the gall to declare an entire race of people beneath them. When that race is your own, it boils down to self-loathing by sheer definition. This is why I laughed on the inside when Wesley Snipes got sentenced, and this is why my blood boils when some asian women shun all asian men because “they’re all dorky and we’re all hot” even though it a.) isn’t true and b.) has absolutely nothing to do with me. I suppose it’s the pompous attitudes more than the racism that bothers me.

Figure 4: Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?

Black men and women just LOVE to say to one another: “Hey yall didn’t holler, so don’t hate when you see me with a white/asian/hispanic/mer[maid|man].” I group these people with the same class of idiot that brings white supremacists to this site claiming superiority to blacks while inexplicably requiring our existence and input to feel validated.

If you feel that dating outside your race should go hand-in-hand with people of your own race gazing longingly through the glass wall of your own ignorance while pining to smash that wall to assume the position of your significant other, you should have your fucking throat cut. For people like you, your own race shuns you because you’re a fucking asshole. There is no other reason. Your success with other races can be explained in all likelihood by cultural guilt or fetishism feeding a remarkably high bullshit tolerance.

I digress.

Date and fuck whoever you want, goddammit. Life’s too short, we’re all going to die, and we’re all pink on the inside.

Stupid Names

14 03 2008

At a Kenneth Cole in Bethesda a few months back, I had the pleasure of meeting a very attractive young black woman working the sales floor. Very tall, very well-built, assertive yet soft-spoken, and ambitious enough to be pursuing an advanced degree without being a dick about it. I was damn near ready to marry this girl on the spot.

Then she told me her name. “La La.”

This was her actual fucking name. It wasn’t a nickname. It wasn’t her middle name. It wasn’t her name in Sanskrit. I’m sorry to say it, but the conversation pretty much ended there. Assuming things got serious, there’s no way I’m introducing to my mother a chick whose name doubles as a drug-induced slur. I’d rather be keelhauled.


Figure 1: Lala is a clam, not a name.

The incident got me thinking about all the ridiculous names of black people I’ve come across in my lifetime, and exactly why the fuck these childrens’ parents would do something so socially damning as to name their child something like ‘Sugar’ or ‘Heaven’ or ‘Knoshawn’.

Any parent who gives their child a ridiculous name is dooming that child to failure in more ways than they could possibly fathom. It will inhibit your life professionally, socially, romantically, and even physically*

* I have a cousin who, upon meeting people named after luxury cars (e.g. Mercedes, Lexus, etc.), takes a blood oath to ram them whilst driving their namesake automobile. He sincerely believes this will restore balance to the universe, and so do I.

In analyzing this cultural disease, it became apparent that stupid black names fall under four major categories (listed in decreasing order of popularity):

  1. Swahili Bastardizations
  2. Megalomaniacal Descriptors
  3. Luxury Latch-Ons
  4. The Unfathomably Ridiculous

I will address these in turn.

Swahili Bastardizations

During the waning years of the Civil Rights Movement, black people all over the country decided to rebel against the dominant society by rejecting typical white (slave) names and adopting names closer to our own roots. The natural choice was, then, to adopt African names – but it wasn’t quite that simple. African Americans have a natural distrust of actual Africans…so we wanted to give our children names that sounded like they were from the mother continent, but wouldn’t make people think our children were actually African. It all went downhill from here.

Swahili names (taken from eastern and central Africa and typically applied to girls) and Arabic names (taken from north Africa and typically applied to boys) became ferociously popular – but for some reason many parents felt the need to mutate the Swahili names. So while boys received unaltered Arabic names like Ahmad and Kareem, girls were nominally punched in the uterus with senseless names like Shanequa and Shaquan. Parents to this day insist on naming their girls this way, despite the knowledge that doing so dooms their child to being perceived thusly by the population at large.


Figure 2: Not one of them is named ‘Laquesha’

Megalomanical Descriptors

Again, girls were the ones who really took it up the ass when it suddenly became popular to name children shit like ‘Pleasure’, ‘Heaven’, and ‘Serenity’. I can only assume that the parents think they’ll be the only people who ever call the child by her first name – daddies all over the world call their little girls ‘Precious’ without a second thought. But this logic is horrendously flawed, and akin to a girl legally changing her name to ‘Baby’, ‘Sweetheart’, or ‘Boo’ because that’s how her boyfriend addresses her.

Note to all prospective parents: nothing makes people more uncomfortable than having to address a complete fucking stranger as ‘Precious’ – and yes, to 99.99999999999999% of the world, your kid will be a stranger with an insufferable fucking name. Call your child all the pet names you want, but please leave it off the goddamn birth certificate.


Figure 3: Less awkward than a kid named ‘Treasure’

Luxury Latch-Ons

For whatever reason, black parents all over the country decided that naming their children after expensive things would bode good fortune for them throughout their lives. Consequently, there are legions of unfortunate people (mostly girls, again) with names like Chanel, Mercedes, Chandelier, and even Prada (yes, I did meet a girl named Prada, and it was the worst day of my life.)

I have personally never met someone with an LL-O name that made more than $10 an hour – so all these parents are really doing is pigeon-holing their kids into careers that will always involve a name tag and the omnipresent threat of a grease fire. Take a look at the names of the richest people in North America, and you’ll quickly realize that simplicity is the key.

Kid Named ‘Lexus’ ∩ Success = ø

The Unfathomably Ridiculous

This is where the men finally get it…and as far as I’m concerned it makes up for the fact that girls bear the brunt of the first three categories. UR names span the gamut from gross misspellings of common names (e.g. Anfernee) to those that could only be the result of massive head trauma (e.g. Oranjello)

Interestingly, though, UR names seem to be the only ones that actually correlate with financial success in life. If you need proof, take a look at the roster for any team in the NBA and you’ll find at least half a dozen dudes with a UR name. So the names are stupid, but if it works….then hey….


Figure 4: Stupid name? Fuck it.

Aside: Asian People

Being friends with a lot of Asian people has taught me that Asians just LOVE to make fun of the names black people give to their children – which is about the worst case of the pot calling the kettle black that I could possibly imagine. Our names may be ridiculous, but your entire languages are fucked up. Give me enough milk and beans, and I can say any word in Vietnamese with my butt.


Figure 5: At least one of these people is named Long Truc Phuc