Isaac Hayes

9 05 2008

Black people have had to eat a lot of stigmatized shit over the years. We’re falsely characterized by the population at large as being innately dumber, more criminal, more promiscuous, and more self-destructive than virtually any other race on Earth. But in spite of that all, black people have for decades been able to say the following without batting an eye: “Yea? Well at least we don’t do crazy shit.”

Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Kaczynski, Timothy McVeigh, Charles Manson, the Columbine kids, Jim Jones…all of them were white. Whenever some white person came along talking shit about black people, we could always point at those examples and say black people would never do that shit.

Unfortunately, our collective forcefield against “crazy” seems to be eroding bit by bit, and it started with OJ.

To stab someone is a crime of extreme passion and craziness and, outside of prison shankings, black people tend not to do it. We prefer to shoot people, probably because you don’t have to hear the icky squeezed-ground-beef sound that I can only assume you’d hear when you do the deed. Stabbings are also very difficult to perform in drive-by format, unless of course you’re this guy:

Figure 1: Reminds me of my father, when he’s in a good mood

OJ changed all that when he decided to get all stabby with his goldilocks wife and Ron Goldman, whoever the fuck he was. Before the Juice, black people could easily claim that being a ‘slasher’ was strictly the domain of white people, hispanics, and the Japanese – and that black people rarely ever took part in the decidedly sick act of plunging, with your own two hands, a sharp implement into the flesh and organs of another human being with the intent of killing them. Not so after OJ.

OK, so one black guy went Edward Niggahands on a couple of white people. It was an isolated incident, and at least it was, as Chris Rock put it, an ‘understandable’ (albeit horrible) crime of passion. But at least we don’t go around killing huge numbers of people at random for no apparent reason, right?

Figure 2: Wrong.

Thanks to this jerkoff, we black people can no longer dismiss the Psychopathic Serial Killer moniker. Every black person reading this post remembers when this asshole terrorized DC for a couple weeks a few years ago, and every black person reading this post knows damn well that he/she just KNEW the killer was white. When the perpetrators turned out to be not just one but TWO black dudes, part of the whole entire black community died while, at the same time, part of the whole white community lifted up its voice in unison to say “HA! YALL, TOO!”

And there you had it. In a few short years, black people entered the once-caucasoid realm of high profile slashers and serial killers. But still, we knew that black people would at least never…ever…EVER subscribe to crazy religious cults right?

Figure 3: WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG FUCK!!!!!

For those who don’t know, Isaac Hayes is a believer in Scientology – the cartoonishly named demi-cult (involving aliens among other ridiculoutiae) developed by fiction writer and resident psychopath L. Ron Hubbard that, for whatever reason, has pulled countless celebrities into its fold and turned Tom Cruise into (more of) a raving lunatic:

Figure 4: Tom Cruise is, to this day, the only person to ever successfully scare the living shit out of Oprah Winfrey

What’s interesting about Isaac Hayes is how the news of him being a Scientologist came out. No one really knew about his ‘religion’ until his sudden and unexpected departure from South Park, which it turned out was done in protest to ‘religious insensitivity’ shown by the creators of the show when they mercilessly lampooned Scientology in the episode ‘Trapped in the Closet‘.

But even when people found out he was a Scientologist, no one really put him in the same category of crazy as Tom Cruise until they began to realize just how hypocritical his reasoning for leaving the show was:

“There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins.” -Isaac Hayes, in a statement released explaining his departure

I started shitting dynamite the instant I read this.

After spending years on a show that made unequivocal mockery of Jews, Muslims, Blacks, Asians, Native Americans, the mentally retarded, the physically disabled, Catholics, Mormons, poor people, homosexuals, and the homeless…Isaac fucking Hayes decides that mocking SCIENTOLOGY is unacceptable.

This blind and hypocritical loyalty to his pseudo-religion rocketed him from normalcy right into the stratospheric realm of crazy occupied by Tom Cruise and other celebrity Scientologists. We now knew that Isaac Hayes was a maniac, and that he had officially popped the negroid cherry of religious fanaticism. Next thing you know, allegations are flying that Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are Scientologists as well, and I wind up having to cry myself to sleep for the next six weeks.

Thanks Isaac, you bald cock.