29 08 2008

This is the final post, and we all knew this was coming…

Nigger. The word is foul. It is at the very tip top of a tall pyramid of racial slurs used for black people – the people for whom more flagrant racial slurs exist than any other race.

Figure 1: The Big Damn Pyramid of Black Lexical Hate

Notwithstanding the atrociousness of the word itself, ‘Nigger’ has had a very interesting history. It naturally started out as a dismissive term used by whites to describe blacks, and it didn’t even necessarily have racist connotations. It remained in this form until the 19th century, when the term slowly transformed from racial to racist. The racist connotation of ‘nigger’ came to a head during the Civil Rights movement, by whose time the word had gone well beyond descriptive and dismissive, becoming instead an angry and proactive way to harshly degrade blacks (in parallel with the term ‘boy’ applied to grown fucking men).

Then came the hip hop generation, and the shit got complicated. Namely, black people started using the word everywhere from the corner store to the recording studio in what has widely been regarded as an effort to ‘take back’ the word and remove its harmful power. However good the intentions were in doing this, a single clear negative consequence arose…

Well-meaning whites started thinking it was OK to say it, too.

Figure 2: Viacom Viacom fucking goddamn Viacom

Oddly enough, when black people started using the word, non-blacks (whites in particular) wanted to convince themselves that the word ceased to be as a racial slur, and that it was OK for everyone to use it. Ignoring the patent weirdness of so-called non-racist white people being so eager to call black people ‘niggers’, every black person in America has certainly heard a non-black person make the following statement with complete and utter sincerity:

“I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”

This person is usually named ‘Chad’ and looks like this fucking guy:

Figure 3: Chad Biffington Toddwell IV

Before I address Chad, I need to explain something. Black people, like all people, have what’s called a boiling point. A boiling point is a person’s psychological threshold which, when crossed, causes that person to lose control of his or her normally functioning self. Each time a person is angered, fucked with, betrayed, or otherwise ill-treated, that person gets closer to his boiling point. Interestingly, race tends to be the determining factor in the behavior that results when a person actually reaches his boiling point. For example:

Figure 4: Losing their Shit (l to r): Whites, Asians, Arabs, Hispanics, Blacks

When Chad asks a black person “why can’t I say ‘nigger'”, 95% of black people reach their boiling point IMMEDIATELY. Contrary to popular belief, though, a black person who reaches his boiling point will usually not shoot you, shank you, or date your daughter…he will simply shut down intellectually. A blank, idiotic look creeps over his face, after which he will try to give you a response, but the words simply don’t come. He shakes his head and walks away exasperated, leaving Chad with the mistaken impression that he has a good point.

Figure 5: The goat-like stare of a black man (the author) at his boiling point

Fortunately, I’ve heard the Chad Question so many times that I’ve developed a scripted response to it:

Chad: “I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”
Me: “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Chad: “Uh, yea…”
Me: “Do you fuck her?”
Chad: “…..yeah….”
Me: “Cool. Mind if I fuck her?”
Me: “I don’t get it. I mean, if you can fuck her then why can’t I?”

Unfortunately, this response isn’t given nearly often enough, so now we’re at the point where white people are so comfortable with the word ‘nigger’ that it can be heard, uncensored, on television programs that won’t even allow vaginas (not women) to be referred to as ‘pussies’. Abso-fucking-lutely amazing.

Barack Obama winning the presidency combined with newfound white comfort with the ‘N’ word will create the perfect storm of conditions for The Man to declare racism legally dead. After that, the only way we’ll be able to get them to examine their own inherent racsim will be to show them pictures of my friends like this one and demand they recognize how angry/uncomfortable they became:

Figure 6: Beige babies, anyone?

Reverse Racism

18 08 2008

America was founded on divisions of race. It can be argued that the story of the country became largely white vs. red after the French and Indian War. After the Revolution and over time as frontiers turned into settled country, those established parts of the country – particularly in the south – were focused on white vs. black. Then the ‘immigrants’ came in. Whitey was constantly defending himself from the onslaught of various minorities (in the words of the immortal Dave Chappelle – “niggers, jews, a-rabs, homosexuals, mexicans, and all them different kinds of chinks…”) attempting to stake a claim in the American dream.

Figure 1: Let’s face it. This is all they were really scared of.

While white people have enjoyed and even relished in the role of Oppressor for the past few centuries, two phenomena are beginning to take its place. One is the ever recognizable white guilt, which spawns everything from white women who are willing only to date black men, to the pre-2008 Clintons, to Wiggers. There is, however, a growing community of white people who are fed up with white guilt but stop well short of being white supremacists (who have never subscribed to white guilt). The most interesting thing about this group is that a growing number of non-whites, particularly asians, are joining their ranks.

This is the community of people who attempt to negate the cascading effects of hundreds of years of slavery and institutionalized racism by trying to convince black people (and everyone else) that they also face ‘discrimination’ and have a similar history of oppression. This is why it’s so popular these days for white people to claim Irish ancestry – the Irish are perhaps the only group of white people in America that were ever systematically stigmatized by the dominant society. I refer to these people as Mark 2’s, which is what I’d assume U.S. Marines would call idiots running around yelling “ME TOO!” when other people discuss racism.

The typical Mark 2 will usually cite some trite instance where black (or white) people made them uncomfortable and compare that to the lingering effects of several centuries of slavery, Jim Crow, gentrification, modern day institutionalized racism, and semi-conscious stigmatization that black people have to deal with EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY OF THEIR LIVES. For the visual learner:

Figure 2: Inside the mind of the Mark 2

Yes, white people will point out the time when they walked onto a nearly all-black basketball court and got funny looks from people, and actually think that’s comparable to, say, black unemployment being fueled by deliberate strangulation of public transportation (which poor people need to get to interviews and to work) funding in poor black neighborhoods. Asian people will reflect on a time when a white dude made slanty eyes and yelled “ME SO SOLLY!” and thinks that’s just as damaging as the Superpredator stereotype. Fucking awesome.

The next Indian (red dot, not feather) asshole to approach me and say “shut the fuck up – black people aren’t the only people that get discriminated against in this country” is going to watch in horror as I make a peace pipe (feather, not red dot) out of his trachea. I wonder what a rape victim thinks when some chick who got her ass pinched by a lecherous boss walks up to her and says “You know, you’re not the only one that’s had a guy force himself on you.”

I need a fucking therapist.

White Forgetfulness

5 08 2008

I have never had Absolut Vokda. My bar at home features a gigantic magnum bottle of Ketel One, and when I go out I tend to limit myself to K1, Belevdiere, or (if I’m feeling douchey) Grey Goose. But after seeing a certain advertisement, Absolut may be the only type of liquor I ever drink again:

Figure 1: Oh hell fucking yes…

This is an ad for Absolut that ran in Mexico several months ago, which effectively shows what the U.S. would look like if it hadn’t stolen the entire ‘Golden West’ in the Mexican-American War. The ad resulted in a firestorm of anger and caucasoid haterade, and I couldn’t possibly be any happier.

My favorite part of the outrage sparked by this ad is the stark relief of White Forgetfulness it exposes. For those who don’t know:

White Forgetfulness = (White Guilt) x -1

Most people mistakenly believe that the following equation is true:

White Supremacy = (White Guilt) x -1

But they are mistaken. White supremacy, despite being extremely caustic, is a fairly tiny, easily recognized, and popularly dismissed movement. White Forgetfulness, on the other hand, is far more pervasive, far more subtle, and far more dangerous. To elaborate more fully, White Forgetfulness is the desire of white people to forget that the greatness of the United States – and many of the race-based social ills that pervade it today – are the result of Indian blood, Black sweat, and institutionalized racism.

The Absolut Mexico ad produced a severe reaction not just because the lines of Mexico were redrawn all over America’s face – but because it wasn’t COMPLETE fantasy. As the article states, the key argument against the ad is that Mexicans (and other Central Americans funneling themselves though Mexico) are indeed ‘invading’ the United States…they’re just not doing it in the traditional military sense which would allow white people to respond with their most well-practiced prescription: SHOOT ‘EM UP!

Figure 2: For the visual learner

White Forgetfulness comes into play when those reacting negatively to the ad forget that a.) America owns California, New Mexico, Arizona, Wyoming, Colorado, Utah, and parts of several other states because we forcibly stole them from Mexico, and b.) America owns the rest of the land in its borders because it was stolen from Indians.

One of the favorite pastimes of white folks is to sit around thinking to themselves that, bit by bit and treaty by treaty, the taking of Indian land was somehow fair and legal – as if Indians were actually dumb enough to GIVE AWAY so much land in fair exchanges to Whites that, by the end of the 19th century, the remainder of us were intentionally sitting on a pile of dirt in Four Corners eating diabeetus-inducing commods with one hand and jamming our thumbs up our asses with the other.

Figure 3: Absolut Yoink

Have you ever had one of those roundtable type discussions in high school or college where you were forced to discuss issues of race in mixed company? These discussions always involve bleeding-heart liberal white douchebags, who enraged me for years until I figured out that they were gigantic piles of incarnate irony. These people are ironic because they’re white supremacists and they don’t even realize it. I will never forget the words I heard come out of the mouth of one of these guys in response to the tensions between blacks and native americans:

“It’s nuts, you know? All these tensions based on race it’s just…stupid. Life’s too short, you know? This is America. We should just forget all this bickering and just become one culture!”

The last sentence of his claim sent me into fits of laughter in a discussion that was otherwise utterly un-funny. I fell BACKWARDS out of my chair, and rolled around on the floor of the classroom howling with laughter and clutching my stomach until I was thrown out of class and told to report to detention (this happened in high school).

I’d attribute the dumbness of his claim to youth and inexperience if I hadn’t heard the same argument made by countless white people in college and even to this very day. White people make the ‘one culture’ argument in front of minorities all the time, and they do it because they think it’s what we want to hear. What they don’t know is that this argument enrages us for two reasons:

1.) It allows white people to forget about the consequences of historic racial injustice (which would persist, even if we were ‘one culture’) while continuing to reap the benefits of historic racial injustice

2.) ‘One Culture’ implies a melting pot, which is COMPLETELY impossible. For there to be one culture, there would have to be forced assimilation into an existing culture*, which is something that minorities (blacks and indians above all) are all too familiar with (think ‘YO NAME IS TOBY! and Indian boarding schools with the mission ‘Kill the Indian, Save the Man’, like the one attended by my father)

The One Culture argument implies ignorance of minority issues on the part of whites, and an entirely self-serving agenda. Of course, this is typical white behavior, but it’s decidedly atypical and angering when this behavior is repackaged as a CURE for racism instead of what it is: a centuries-old racist argument for cultural genocide.

I think it’s time for a drink.

Figure 4: This is how I get over damn near everything.

* White culture, to be exact. God knows white people on the whole aren’t going to start acting like blacks, indians, asians, or hispanics, and we can’t make them, because they have all the guns.

Subtle Racism IV: Statistics

25 07 2008

My Google Chat messages tend to be relatively extreme. One of the more recent ones stated:


Figure 1: Spices, Slaves, Syphillis

Personally, I was just kidding around. I really have no idea what race (assuming it’s any one race) is responsible for the Sex Pox (‘Sex Pox’ is my term non-terminal sexually transmitted diseases). Upon seeing this, however, the same asian girl that was responsible for this blog starting in the first place* once again comes rushing to the defense of white people – offering this in response:

“Actually, studies show that it’s black people in Baltimore that have the majority of STDs.”

Figure 2: Asians – charging to the defense of whitey since 1878

This response is irksome for more reasons than I can count, but I’ll list the top reasons. These reasons are rooted in the argumentative flaws used by non-blacks and self-hating blacks alike when citing statistics to prove that there is something ‘wrong’ with black people:

  1. Use of a self-serving example by citing STD rates in Baltimore, which has twice as many black people as whites (65% vs. 32%). This is like saying that more Japanese people have STDs than white people in Tokyo. No shit.
  2. Failure to cite other statistics/trends that explain the discrepancy. For example, poor Blacks are far more likely to get treatment for STDs by visiting free clinics that report data on client groups to stat takers. Whites, who are more affluent and more likely to be insured, are also more likely to be treated by private clinicians and never have their data bubbled up to the census. Even if the infection rates between blacks and whites were 50/50, the reporting of infections would be (and is) heavily weighted towards blacks

Everyday, the entire country is inundated with dismal statistics about black people. These statistics are almost always presented in isolation of other statistics that FACTUALLY DEMONSTRATE why those statistics are skewed – and since no explanation is given for the skewed negative stats, people do what they’ve been conditioned to do for hundred of years: assume black people are fucking inferior. Here are some of my favorite pairs of ‘facts’ used to show the depravity of niggerdom, and the countering argument that is always left out:


Fact of Niggerdom: Blacks comprise the overwhelming majority of arrests/incarcerations for drug use
Fact Ignored: It has been demonstrated in study after study that the majority of drug users are white
Fact Ignored: Police departments around the country ADMIT TO THIS DAY the frequent and even institutional use of racial profiling in drug-related arrests


Fact of Niggerdom: The overwhelming majority of people in prison are black
Fact Ignored: Blacks are, by orders of magnitude, more likely to be sent to prison for non-violent offenses than whites
Fact Ignored: Many offenses committed by whites go unpunished by police, especially in small towns and suburbia – almost all of which are overwhelmingly white and have police officers living in the community. Police are far less likely to make an arrest on someone they know than they are on a total stranger
Fact Ignored: In black-dominated high-population cities, police tend not to live in the communities they patrol, nor do they walk foot beats and get to know people in those communities. They make more arrests in communities filled with blacks


Fact of Niggerdom: Black children are, my orders of magnitude, more likely to drop out of school than white children
Fact Ignored: Studies show that, when exhibiting the same behaviors, black children are far more likely to be placed in special education, suspended, or expelled than white children
Fact Ignored: Self-esteem issues are considered among the top root causes of drop-outs…with unfairly targeted suspensions, expulsions, and trips on the short bus doing nothing to help the trend


I don’t have the time, patience, or cardiovascular health to get into the rest, but you get the fucking picture. I don’t use these ‘mitigating’ statistics to give black criminals an excuse. Whatever color you are, if you’re snorting coke or selling crack, you belong in pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

Figure 3: This is the most insanely hilarious thing I have ever seen

My only problem is when facts of niggerdom are spilled recklessly all over the airwaves by white media to be consumed without qualification by legions of idiots who then email/IM me telling me how the latest study ‘proves’ that I should hate myself and my race.

The next person to quote negative black statistics to me is getting punched in the back of the head. If you’re convinced that my black ass is prone to violence, I might as well not disappoint you.

*Many people have asked, in response to this girl constantly coming to the defense of whitey, why I am still friends with her – to which I reply that she is no more misinformed than anyone else in the country. If I can’t be friends with her, then I can’t be friends with anybody.


30 05 2008

One of the most annoying things about being black is the fact that, for non-blacks who don’t interact frequently with black people, the impression they have of the entire black race is typically based on the impression they got from the last black person they’ve seen.

Figure 1: And it’s always this guy.

As a result of this, conscientious black folks tend to look at themselves as ‘ambassadors’ for their race in a way virtually no other race does (or really has to). SBP (successful black people) and their nose-in-the-air EBP (educated black people)* counterparts are particularly guilty of this. In many situations, we take it upon ourselves to represent the true nature and capabilities of the race towards those whose impressions of black people come from loud and foul-mouthed children on the Metro and Yo MTV Raps. The worst part is…we do it unconsciously. At no time was I more aware of this than when I recently took a technical certification exam.

For those who don’t know, a technical certification is something you get after you take an exam to prove you know how to do something that you’ve probably been doing for years anyway. This is why technical certifications are fucking ridiculous. The typical experience involves you going to some lonely low-rent building somewhere staffed by employees who aren’t really used to people showing up. After 15 minutes of unanswered phone calls and banging on the door, someone finally wakes up and lets you in. Once you’ve filled out a little bit of paperwork, you are locked in a windowless camera-monitored room where you sit for 3 – 4 hours trying to do two things: a.) pass the test and b.) remember not to pick your nose, scratch you ass, or adjust your nuts because you know you’re being watched.

Figure 2: By this guy

You’re informed immediately whether or not you’ve passed the test, and you walk out to the office where the staffer already has your results printout which almost always has “PASS” or “FAIL” written in big bold letters somewhere. For all the tech exams I’ve taken before, I was absolutely MORTIFIED at the idea that I’d walk out of the test room and have this fucker sneering at me on the inside because I’d failed an exam. But for my most recent exam, I didn’t seem to care what the staffer thought. I had an odd sense of calm about the prospect of failing the exam which is highly uncharacteristic of me. It wasn’t until I’d passed the stupid exam and was on the train heading home when I suddenly realized why I’d been so calm:

This was the first time the staffer was black.

For each other exam I took, the staffer was asian – and my subconscious immediately told me “You are a representative of your people. If you fail this exam, you will make black people look fucking retarded. Asian people will have more trumped up evidence that black people are dumb and don’t belong in technical fields. The viability of career equality between the races hinges on you passing this exam. You must not fail. Martin and Malcolm are watching you.”

Figure 3: After I passed.

With a black staffer, though, I didn’t feel judged. The guy felt familiar. We cracked a couple of jokes while he was registering me. The exam was about me passing muster instead of being about the validity of all blacks in engineering. As I thought about the ridiculousness of this on the train, I began shaking my head and swearing quietly to myself. Some chick saw this and moved to the other end of the car.

Just think about all the incidents where you’ve found yourself ‘representing’ in front of non-blacks to break stereotypes:

  • Giving people extra friendly greetings in the hallway to counter the ‘angry black man’ stereotype
  • Intentionally and unnecessarily speaking foreign languages in front of other people to counter the ‘uncultured’ black man stereotype
  • Airballing a jumpshot to counter the ‘all black people love and excel at basketball’ stereotype
  • Walking around campus with your nose buried in a calculus book to counter the ‘all black people major in african american studies’ stereotype
  • Overdressing at clubs/lounges to counter the ‘black people only know how to dress ‘urban” stereotype
  • Refusing to buy a Cadillac, Ford Expedition, or other giant SUV (with or without rims) for…fairly obvious reasons
  • Ordering bizarre exotic food like ostrich, alligator, or shark to counter the ‘black people only eat chicken and catfish’ stereotype
  • Blasting Blink 182 or Foo Fighters (even if you hate it) to counter the ‘black people only like hip hop and jazz’ stereotype

Figure 4: Where I go to rest after a long day of fighting stereotypes…

* EBP is a term I’ve always had difficulty swallowing. In the pragmatic sense, it typically applies to black doctors, lawyers, and MBAs with stratospheric incomes which is fine with me**. Unfortunately, the literal interpretation of the term has also allowed idiots with multiple Ivy league English or Philosophy degrees and no prospects to apply the moniker to themselves as well. The fact that I would be lumped in with these clowns (and the truckloads of pompous shitbrickery associated with the balance of EBP outside of the clowns) is why I will never refer to myself as an EBP. Instead, I prefer the term ‘SBP’ which gives credit where credit is due – credit to those who have attained some sort of objectively measurable and responsible (this keeps out entertainers on Viacom’s payroll) success, regardless of education level (or, more realistically, level of pretense). Not every SBP is an EBP, and not every EBP is an SBP. Thank God.

** Except I have a well documented hatred of attorneys who aren’t a.) criminal prosecutors, b.) family lawyers, or c.) intellectual property lawyers


28 05 2008

There are two contexts under which a man will say to himself – “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening.” One is the ‘good’ context, such as in that which a man realizes he’s about to win the lottery or he’s about to have sex with two hot chicks at the same time. The other is the ‘bad’ context, such as that in which a man realizes his firstborn son is about to get hit by a freight train at full speed…or he realizes he’s about to go to the movies.

We (black people) all hate movies whether we’ll admit it or not. We hate going to the movies because we know that, in almost all cases, there will be some kind of fucked up treatment of blacks (or other colored folk) in terms of their roles, portrayals, dialog and, in many cases, the complete lack of all of these.

There are all kinds of categories of fucked up film to choose from when you’re looking at it as a black person. There are some that I’m not even going to get into because it’s so trite and obvious, like the category of movies where the only significant black character is the first to die.

Stemming from this, though, we have the category that evolved from ‘Only Coon Dies’ – namely, ‘Every Coon Dies’. This category was spearheaded by the otherwise fantastic movie ‘300’, in which literally every single black person in the movie is killed in some horrendously miserable way: kicked into a bottomless pit and beheaded by a bizarre creature with fleshy blades for arms, among others. ‘300’ saw fit not only to kill us all, but to give us the most ridiculously insane deaths imaginable in a movie predicated entirely on ridiculously insane death.

Figure 1: THIS! IS! RACIST!

There’s the ‘Supporting Negro’ category that we’ve had to deal with since Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for it in 1940 for her portrayal as Mammie in ‘Gone with the Wind’ (anybody else find it completely fucked up that her character was actually NAMED after a specific stereotype?) As time went on, black actors were forced into supporting roles even when they were better actors than the white leads they shadowed (Will Smith in ‘Bagger Vance’, Bill Duke in ‘Predator’, Djimon in ‘Gladiator’, Morgan Freeman in every fucking movie he’s ever been in).

Aside: Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman gets the Oscar for “Most Fucked Over Actor in Hollywood History”. He MUST have the shittiest agent on the face of the Earth, because this guy is constantly coming in second place to an increasingly talentless band of white actors starting with Matthew fucking Broderick in ‘Glory’ and ending most recently with Steve Carell in ‘Evan Almighty’.

Sub-Aside: Morgan Freeman as God

‘Bruce Almighty’ and ‘Evan Almighty’ tried to cover up Hollywood’s persistent racism by casting Morgan Freeman as God. They figured black people would be so happy with a black man portraying God that’d we’d overlook the fact that Morgan Freeman was playing second fiddle to a pair of hacks. They failed. Fuck Hollywood and fuck all of L.A. for that matter.

Figure 2: Why does God need to wear a fucking suit?

End Sub-Aside

I can safely say that the only case where the lead actor was actually on or above his level was Tim Robbins in ‘The Shawshank’ Redemption, but I still claim that the movie would have been even more interesting if it focused more on the life of Freeman’s character. Enough of this shit already.

End Aside.

Let’s not forget, of course, those movies where minority roles are snatched away from minorities altogether and filled by whites. This used to be a category suffered almost exclusively by Native Americans in every movie from John Wayne’s ‘The Searchers’ to Daniel Day Lewis in ‘Last of the Mohicans’. Remember that ‘crying Indian’ from the Don’t Litter commercials? That fucker was Sicilian. Black people, however, are being newly banged in the ass with this category for the first time since the days of Al Jolson with Robert Downey Jr.’s portrayal as a black man in ‘Tropic Thunder.’ I refuse to see this movie, because I know that as soon as I hear RDJ try to talk like a black person, I am going to go completely apeshit and stab myself with a barong.

Figure 3: Did they give you a bigger penis, too?

Usurping of roles isn’t the only thing blacks and indians have in common when it comes to reasons to hate film. There’s the even more pervasive (and far more infuriating) ‘White Jesus’ category. These are the movies that pretend to be about blacks or indians, but just turn out to be a way to make white people look good because they involve a white man ‘saving’ the colored group, usually from other white people.

Figure 4: Fuck you.

With these films, Hollywood wants to dupe people into thinking that a movie about coloreds = a colored movie. Here’s a hint, you L.A. fucksticks: any movie with a white protagonist is a white movie, you aren’t fooling anyone, and you can go straight to hell. Shining examples of this are ‘Amistad’ and ‘Glory’ for black people, ‘Dances with Wolves’ and ‘Last of the Mohicans’ for indians, and ‘The Last Samurai’ for asians. If I could go back in time and nuke these movies’ sets, I swear to God I would.

So if we nig-gars are so damn unhappy with the mainstream film choices, then why not be happy with ‘black’ movies like ‘Love and Basketball’, ‘Brown Sugar’, ‘The Best Man’, ‘Dreamgirls’, ‘Diary of a Mad Black Woman’, ‘Soul Food’ or ‘Waiting to Exhale’?

Simple: all these movies are shit.

Almost all black movies that make it to the mainstream simply MUST involve at least two of the following: gangsters, sports, cheating black men, bitter black women, music, and Soul Food – the last item, which has a movie of the same name, is probably the most ridiculous of all. Do you think Tom Hanks’ white ass would ever star in a movie called ‘Casserole’?

Figure 5: Would never happen

The only really notable exception to this rule was ‘The Color Purple’ which, I believe, was a great movie if for no other reason than it didn’t involve the typical monolithic cast of modern no-talent black actors: Taye Diggs, Sanaa Lathan, Morris Chesnut, Nia Long, Omar Epps, etc. Understanding WHY black films can’t break the shackles of stereotypical subjects is the most enraging reality of all: they simply wouldn’t work.

Anybody who needs proof that racism isn’t dead and that black people and white people are nowhere near being on equal social footing only needs to think to himself why black equivalents of historical epics (a black ‘Gladiator’), existential pieces (a black ‘The Truman Show’), non-musical/non-sports biographies (a black ‘Capote’), horror flicks (a black ‘Exorcist’), adventure films (a black ‘Indiana Jones’), or sci-fi (a black ‘Star Wars’) generally aren’t commercially viable – it’s because white people ain’t interested in that shit.

Why aren’t they interested? This is why


‘Creole’ Chicks

13 05 2008

If I hear one more person justify Beyonce’s increasing whiteness by saying “she’s not getting white, she’s just Creole!”, I am going to murder every single person I meet for the next hour.

The term ‘Creole’  was originally used to describe olive-skinned folks from Louisiana who had some mixture of French, Spanish, Black, and/or Native American ancestry, and spoke a language of the same name. More recently, ‘Creole’ has become a moniker used by pompous light-skinned fucktards to justify buying into and promoting caucasian standards of beauty.

Figure 1: Shrimp Creole – the only acceptable form of Creole

Some of these motherfuckers running around calling themselves Creole have no ancestral ties to Louisiana. They don’t speak Creole. They’ve never even BEEN to Louisiana. But that won’t stop the local resident douchebitch who happens to have ‘good hair’ from dying it blonde, getting Japanese straightening or whatever the fuck it’s called, throwing in green contact lenses, and running around claiming (implicitly or directly) to be better than ‘regular’ black people.

If she’s a REAL cunt, she’ll give the name some weird spelling like ‘Kreyole’ or ‘Creyol’ when she fills out some government form that asks for your race. She won’t check black, or white, or native american – NOPE! She’ll check the ‘Other’ box and write ‘Kreyole’ in the space next to it because she’s way too exotic and special to be a nigger, redskin, cracker, or some combination of these played out races.

The following is the internal monologue of the fake Creole chick:

“If I say I’m Khreyowle, then people will think I’m sophisticated! They’ll think I’m descended from French people and drink martini’s with extra extra dry vermouth while speaking a combination of French and Spanish to my friends while cruising on my superstar athlete husband’s yacht.”

Figure 2: Delusions of a pompous shit-brick

“They’ll think that my freakishly straight blond hair with pubes that don’t match is somehow natural! I’ll also have skin that’s tan but not niggerish, and I can lighten it with makeup JUST enough to rise above my blackness, but fall short of being considered white! Yay, racial purgatory! They’ll fall for this even though I can’t distinguish between Creole and Cajun, have no idea that Creole is also a language, and couldn’t point out Louisiana on a map OF Louisiana.”

The following is the internal monologue of the pompous real Creole chick:*

“Mmm mmm mmm, I sure am FINE. I’m kinda black, but my hair is naturally straight, my skin and eyes are light, and the media has decided that I’m what everyone wants. Oh I know! I’ll leverage my blackness and start a music career! Just for good measure, I’ll make sure my backup singers are darker than me in skin tone and/or hair color so that little nappy headed girls all over the world will know that light skin and long light straight hair comes first.”

Figure 3: In case you hadn’t figured out who I’m talking about yet…

As I reach a wider and wider audience, I’ll lighten myself just slowly enough so the average idiot won’t be able to notice. This will make me more acceptable to white and international audiences, and I’ll just ignore the collateral damage it does to the body image of the black adolescent girls that got me where I am in the first place. I’ll contribute further to the decline of black people by encouraging use of the word ‘conversate’ and being in a relationship with a man whose success was built on encouraging young black men to be promiscuous, experiment with cocaine, and kill people. After all, the ends justify the means! TEE HEE! Despite my active and conscious participation in the erosion of the black sense of self, people will ignore and even defend my behavior because – GASP – I’m just Creole!”

I can’t write anymore. There’s a fucking fire alarm going off in the office, and the blood vessel above my right eye is about to burst. I fucking goddamn hate everything.

*No, I do not think all Creole women are pompous. Please get off my nuts.