After writing the Irresponsibele White Women post, I’d always wondered if they had any kind of comic foil I’d be able to poke fun at later. Lo and behold, I got my answer last Friday night.
I was out on Capitol Hill with five other guys and taking a leak in a secluded area outdoors when I heard one of Chicken Jon’s friends (we’ll call him ‘The Chairman’) in the distance yell “SHE GOT A BADONKADONK!” I could never fully explain how funny it is to hear this phrase yelled in a goofy Vietnamese accent, but it turned quite unfunny when I zipped up and walked back around the corner to see The Chairman and some random white dude in each other’s faces.
Figure 1: Composite sketch of the incident
The white boy was upset about the ‘Badonkadonk’ comment, which apparently had been leveled at the extremely nervous-looking white woman standing behind him and to the right*, so this idiot (accompanied by an equally nervous-looking short black dude who was clearly trying to stay out of it) decides to turn around and interrogate The Chairman about the comment. The argument, which was insanely idiotic, consisted of these statements being repeated in a constant loop:
White Guy: “Dude, were you talking about my girl?”
The Chairman: “This is a private conversation, yo.”
The situation is getting more and more heated and if the white dude throws a punch, all six of us will jump him and he WILL die…so I physically step between the white boy and The Chairman and start making jokes, namely: “If whites and asians fight, the niggers go to jail. Both of you shut the fuck up, please.” I guess that’s far less a joke than it is hard and fast reality, but in any case the black dude found this hysterical, and it was actually enough to get the two to back off from one another – though they both continued talking shit.
Then as the tension was finally relieving itself, some other tiny white dude insists on saying over and over again:
“Just so you’ll know, there’s like 18 cops at the top of the hill. I’m just saying. Alright?”
Now, he wasn’t saying this in a helpful “hey guys, chill out – you could get in trouble” kind of way. Instead, he was saying it in an arrogant “If we fight, the cops’ll be on our [white] side, you colored fucks” kind of way. Fortunately the other white guy, the black guy, and the girl are walking away up the hill and the new idiot realizes he’s being left alone, so he eventually hauls his short squat ass up the hill behind them – all the while still yelling about the cops**
Figure 2: I can’t believe how close this came to happening
The closest I myself have ever come to a real fight since turning 21 (not including the two times some idiot without a weapon tried to mug me in the last 8 weeks) was at Lucky Bar in DC.
Some drunk white girl was falling all over herself, and a scrawny Indian guy tried to carry her out of there. As she was about to slip off him and bust her head open, I reached over and grabbed her shoulder to keep her from falling. Then some knight in popped-collar armor jumps in my face, grabs my arm, and yells “Dude! Dude! Whaddyou think you’re doing?!” I shove the dude off me, at which point he realizes that a.) I’m flanked by seven guys and b.) his own friends are offering ZERO support…yet he refuses to stop talking shit and refused to get out of my face. Next thing I know, there’s a flashlight being waved in our direction and the white dude is being tossed out. The fact that Lucky Bar chose to bounce the white dude instead of the black dude with no questions asked will forever make Lucky Bar cool in my book.
I’ve been trying for a long time to figure out what the hell it is that makes white dudes think they can challenge some guy physically when he’s backed up by an entire platoon of his friends. I don’t think tiny white men harbor any illusions that they’re going to physically kick the asses of six or more minorities all by themselves, so all I can figure is that their arrogance is predicated on the notion that the cops/bouncers/society will always be on their side if the shit goes bad.
Also, in the two incidents just mentioned, I also figure the white boys have a rescue complex and assume that they’ll get laid by the girls they’re either rightfully defending (in The Chairman’s incident) or defending for no reason (in the Lucky Bar incident).
Figure 3: Attention White Men: this is NOT you
I think the movie Fight Club may also share some of the blame. It’s a movie that supports a myth that fighting is easy, punches (both giving and receiving) don’t hurt that much, and white people have unreal pain tolerances. The great thing about Fight Club is that the overwhelming majority of dudes who watched it have probably never been in a real fight and are entirely unfamiliar with the amount of pain involved in getting punched square in the face. This is why guys from rough neighborhoods have a blasé attitude towards Fight Club and view it as a comedy, while nuggets*** from the suburbs absorb everything about the movie with almost a cultish fervor then go out in public hoping to reenact what they’ve just seen.
Every movie Brad Pitt makes results in thousands of irresponsible white men getting their asses kicked.
*Her countenance went from nervousness to sheer terror after seeing a black guy over 6′ emerge from behind a corner and indicate clearly to be on the side of the asians
**Incidentally, he was referring to the dozen or so Federal cops that patrol Capitol Hill on Independence Avenue between 2nd Street SE and 14th Street SW. Those cops were at least 1/4 mile away and would have never heard his screams as I took his scalp lock a prize for my war shirt. Fucking asshole.
***Naval term for a rookie aviator