‘The Book’

12 06 2008

When the movie version of ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ was released, you couldn’t walk as far as the corner store without running into nine motherfuckers talking about this godforsaken movie. The worst part of it, of course, was the fact that they were all saying the same thing:

“Yeah, the movie was good. But the book was definitely better.”

Figure 1: ‘Memoirs’ also sucked because Zhang Ziyi is a miserable asshole

This isn’t limited to ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’. People were saying it when ‘The Da Vinci Code’ was released on film. They said it when most of the Marvel movies (i.e. X-Men, The Hulk, etc.) were released, with comparisons being made to the comics. They said it when motherfucking ‘I, Robot’ was released. The shit never ever stops

There’s nothing a pompous asshole enjoys more than when a good book is made into a movie. He gets to go see the movie with his vapid hipster friends, after which they will all spend the next week reassuring themselves and others that the book was better than the movie. Granted, the point of telling people this isn’t actually to inform the victim that the book is, indeed, better than the movie. The point of this bullshit is to make people think they’re [read the rest of this sentence in a snooty English accent] a well-read member of the sophisticated elite, transcendent the trite and vulgar plane of the film’s popular appeal by virtue of having had the fortitude to engage that which is the uncompromisingly awesome cerebral challenge of the parent text…as if anyone gives a shit.

Figure 2: What the hipster sees in the mirror

They seem happy to ignore the fact that the book will, almost by sheer definition, always be better than the movie. Books are not time-bound, and consequently have more room for character development, plot development, detail, and artistic finesse. Furthermore, nobody makes shitty books into movies*. The fact that the book is already good gives it an advantage over the movie, because the movie has the potential to be awful. And even if the movie is fantastically done, it can’t develop plot and characters better than a book can, so the book is still better. You can actually use predicate logic to irrefutably prove that a movie can never be better than the book upon which it’s based.

The hipster fucktwat, however, likes to pretend that you don’t know this already. This makes it easier for him to discuss the book using words like ‘entendre’, ‘dichotomy’, ‘foil’, and ‘schadenfreude’ while your eyes glaze over at his attempt to mask his stupidity, gainless employment, and the fact that he’s 27 and still has roommates** with 4+ syllable French and/or German sounding words.

Figure 3: Somewhere out there are four angry fathers pretending not to know who the fuck these people are.

One of the most amazing things about people making book-to-film comparisons is the simple truth that no one ever asks for the comparison to be made. No one in history has ever turned to his friend during the end credits of a movie and said “hey Biff, how do you think this compares to the book?” It has never happened, not once, not ever. This means that everyone you see talking about a book compared to a movie is shoving their ideas down the throat of the listener against the listener’s will. Fascism, anyone? Here’s a list of things you can do after a movie besides hurling your literary nincompoopery at otherwise innocent people:

  • Shut the fuck up

Figure 4: Now available in Hazelnut!

The best part about shutting the fuck up is that it’s way easier than not shutting the fuck up. Here’s the process involved in shutting the fuck up:

  1. Think of something to say
  2. Don’t say it
  3. Repeat

This three-step method may be a little difficult for some hipsters to grasp, so I’ve developed an alternative one-step method for the more simple minded:

  1. Kill yourself

A world of silent and/or dead hipsters is exactly what the doctor ordered. The last thing we need is assholes in Castro hats telling us shit we already know. We don’t need hipsters telling us that backpacking through Europe is better than reading an Atlas. We don’t need hipsters telling us sex is better than masturbation. And we sure as hell don’t need hipsters telling us that books are better than movies.

**This is acceptable if you’re a doctor in residency, or you live on the International Space Station