29 08 2008

This is the final post, and we all knew this was coming…

Nigger. The word is foul. It is at the very tip top of a tall pyramid of racial slurs used for black people – the people for whom more flagrant racial slurs exist than any other race.

Figure 1: The Big Damn Pyramid of Black Lexical Hate

Notwithstanding the atrociousness of the word itself, ‘Nigger’ has had a very interesting history. It naturally started out as a dismissive term used by whites to describe blacks, and it didn’t even necessarily have racist connotations. It remained in this form until the 19th century, when the term slowly transformed from racial to racist. The racist connotation of ‘nigger’ came to a head during the Civil Rights movement, by whose time the word had gone well beyond descriptive and dismissive, becoming instead an angry and proactive way to harshly degrade blacks (in parallel with the term ‘boy’ applied to grown fucking men).

Then came the hip hop generation, and the shit got complicated. Namely, black people started using the word everywhere from the corner store to the recording studio in what has widely been regarded as an effort to ‘take back’ the word and remove its harmful power. However good the intentions were in doing this, a single clear negative consequence arose…

Well-meaning whites started thinking it was OK to say it, too.

Figure 2: Viacom Viacom fucking goddamn Viacom

Oddly enough, when black people started using the word, non-blacks (whites in particular) wanted to convince themselves that the word ceased to be as a racial slur, and that it was OK for everyone to use it. Ignoring the patent weirdness of so-called non-racist white people being so eager to call black people ‘niggers’, every black person in America has certainly heard a non-black person make the following statement with complete and utter sincerity:

“I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”

This person is usually named ‘Chad’ and looks like this fucking guy:

Figure 3: Chad Biffington Toddwell IV

Before I address Chad, I need to explain something. Black people, like all people, have what’s called a boiling point. A boiling point is a person’s psychological threshold which, when crossed, causes that person to lose control of his or her normally functioning self. Each time a person is angered, fucked with, betrayed, or otherwise ill-treated, that person gets closer to his boiling point. Interestingly, race tends to be the determining factor in the behavior that results when a person actually reaches his boiling point. For example:

Figure 4: Losing their Shit (l to r): Whites, Asians, Arabs, Hispanics, Blacks

When Chad asks a black person “why can’t I say ‘nigger'”, 95% of black people reach their boiling point IMMEDIATELY. Contrary to popular belief, though, a black person who reaches his boiling point will usually not shoot you, shank you, or date your daughter…he will simply shut down intellectually. A blank, idiotic look creeps over his face, after which he will try to give you a response, but the words simply don’t come. He shakes his head and walks away exasperated, leaving Chad with the mistaken impression that he has a good point.

Figure 5: The goat-like stare of a black man (the author) at his boiling point

Fortunately, I’ve heard the Chad Question so many times that I’ve developed a scripted response to it:

Chad: “I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”
Me: “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Chad: “Uh, yea…”
Me: “Do you fuck her?”
Chad: “…..yeah….”
Me: “Cool. Mind if I fuck her?”
Me: “I don’t get it. I mean, if you can fuck her then why can’t I?”

Unfortunately, this response isn’t given nearly often enough, so now we’re at the point where white people are so comfortable with the word ‘nigger’ that it can be heard, uncensored, on television programs that won’t even allow vaginas (not women) to be referred to as ‘pussies’. Abso-fucking-lutely amazing.

Barack Obama winning the presidency combined with newfound white comfort with the ‘N’ word will create the perfect storm of conditions for The Man to declare racism legally dead. After that, the only way we’ll be able to get them to examine their own inherent racsim will be to show them pictures of my friends like this one and demand they recognize how angry/uncomfortable they became:

Figure 6: Beige babies, anyone?


21 08 2008

I’m going to be calling out several of my own commenters with this post, but I don’t fucking care. If you go to the comments section of virtually any site that allows it (e.g. blogs, YouTube,,, etc.), you will notice an inordinate number of comments like this:

“I don’t think Hillary had any business crying on television. It portrayed her as f*cking weak and set back the feminist movement by 30 years. Thanks, you f*cking c—”


“This guy approached me at a bookstore and had the nerve to ask for my number. What the fawk was he thinking? The shyt was just straight corny.”

Really? REALLY? Do you seriously fucking think that throwing an asterisk, or a hyphen, or spelling the word different somehow makes you better than people who actually swear? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!??!

Figure 1: Fucker.

The ludicrosity of censoring your typed swearing is surpassed only by the word ‘ludicrosity.’ Just think about the thought process involved:

“Ok, I’m pissed. I wanna swear, but that just wouldn’t be Christian. I’m a nice girl*, so how do I convey vulgarity without actually being vulgar. I know! I’ll disguise my swearing! If I don’t actually type the letters F U C K, then I won’t go to hell and everyone will still think I’m a nice person. Here we go! [types F $ # *]. Wow! I’m fucking awesome! Oops…I hope Jesus didn’t hear that!”

This kind of self-censorship is not unlike the “I’m not touching you” game. You put your finger as close as you can to someone’s face without actually touching them and, for good measure, you say “I’m not touching yoooooooou” in the most annoying voice you can muster. Inevitably, the person you’re not touching flips out and punches you in the scrotum. The offense you’re avoiding (touching someone) is far less annoying than coming incredibly close to doing it without actually doing it (“I’m not touching yooooooou”).

Figure 2: For the visual learner…

The next time you meet a self-censoring assfuck in person, please do at least one of the following:

1.) If it’s a girl and you’re a guy, pull out your penis. Chase her around the room yelling “I’m not raping yooooooooou!”

2.) If its’ one of your employees, grab a pink slip, wave it in her face, and say “I’m not firing yoooooooooou.”

3.) If it’s your girlfriend, make a videotape of you and her fucking, and blur out the genitalia. Show the tape to her family. When they flip out, say “what’s the problem? It’s censored!”

Figure 3: Same thing as ‘F*ck’

4.) Club her and eat her bones.


See? It’s easy and it makes you feel better. But most importantly, it doesn’t make you look like a fucking pompous asshole who thinks that typing ‘SH!T’ is somehow less offensive than just typing ‘SHIT’. If you insist on self-censorship, then I hope with every fiber of my being that you are reincarnated as a gut maggot.

* It’s ALWAYS a fucking girl

Spelling and Grammatical Errors

26 03 2008

Check this shit out: go to the comments section of this site, or the comments sections for SEBPL. Now, go to any other black discussion forum of your choice – particularly those that stir up controversy and arguments between two or more posters. The comments sections of YouTube music videos are a good place to look. Notice a common theme?

Black people will rip you the fuck apart for even the most minute technical errors in your writing.


Figure 1: “It’s THEIR, not THEY’RE, you fucking asshole!”

The obvious reason for this is that black people love correcting others, so you damn well better be ready to proofread and have a spell-checker available if you are going to posit something before the black community in written form. No matter how lucid, logical, and utterly bulletproof your argument is, it will be rendered completely useless by a dangling participle. Did you just find the cure for AIDS? Who the fuck cares – your press release used the word “it’s” where you should’ve used “its”! You, madam, are an uneducated, apostrophe-ignorant, AIDS-curing colostomy bag of a human being!

This phenomenon becomes even more pronounced when black people argue with each other (or with non-blacks). You’d think that when debating some topic, the first thing you’d do in response to getting someone else’s opinion is to examine it for logical errors, invalid assumptions, lies, disingenuous or misleading statements, and other things that actually matter.

This is not the process we black people follow.

Instead, we will read your argument carefully – but the first time we go through it, all we’re doing is looking for is mistakes in your writing. We’re looking for spelling errors, dangling prepositions, sentence fragments, improper semicolon use, and other things that are extremely relevant to your argument. We don’t care that, after observing chimps in the wild for 30 years, you’ve discovered that some have learned to cultivate their own food: you spelled banana ‘bannana’ in your research paper, and therefore, you are only slightly more intelligent than the very creatures you study.


Figure 2: The awful truth about arguing with black people

Once we’ve discovered a technical error in your writing, the debate is effectively over. You will usually be told something to the effect of “Why don’t you learn how to spell next time you decide to post here?” and, surprisingly, this will be enough to convince everyone that a.) you’re an idiot, and b.) the person that called you out is a genius.

There are only two ways to regain your intellectual credibility:

One: Point out the writing mistakes of someone else – preferably the person who called you out. Then everyone will think you’re both equally stupid, and they’ll be ready to listen to you again. This is a slash-and-burn policy, though, because at this point no one is taking you seriously. Two people who were once seen as intelligent debaters are now seen as contestants in a poop flinging contest that, while amusing, has nothing to do with the original topic anymore.


Two: Win one Nobel fucking Prize for each writing error you made, and try posting again. Unfortunately, you lose this way too. By the time you win your prize(s), the original topic will be deemed yesterday’s news, and the community will once again render you a gun-wielding Simeon for bringing up ‘old shit.’

    Life’s a bitch. Then you die.

    Derrick Ashong

    20 03 2008


    Figure 1: Accidentally called out America on its own bullshit

    Remember this?

    I was probably one of the last people to watch this video, since I only saw it about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I wasn’t actually filled with a sense of pride because Derrick knew what he was talking about. I was filled with pride because the belligerent interviewer got his ass handed to him, and justly so for making the racist assumption that a dark dude with a shell necklace was simply voting for Obama because it’s the ‘black’ thing to do. Overall, I was very happy after watching this interview.

    Then I read this commentary, written by Derrick as a guest column for CNN.

    After reading it, I was VERY angry.

    There are two things that piss me the fuck off about Derrick Ashong, and what’s interesting is that these two things really have nothing to do with Derrick Ashong at all.

    The first thing seems relatively superficial – Derrick’s writing style. In reality, it’s not “Derrick’s writing style”, per se. Rather, it’s the writing style of many intelligent people (and not just blacks) who, when put in front of a general audience, feel the need to really gun it intellectually. They emphasize sophistication over clarity which, ironically, is exactly the wrong way to connect with the average person. So I guess I’m pissed off at this emphasis rather than the writing style itself, which is why my anger really has nothing to do with Derrick Ashong.

    Anyway, If you read the commentary you’ll notice that it’s filled with four-syllable words that are rarely used in normal conversation. Reading Derrick’s article aloud is damn near impossible. While this demonstrates either an impressively masterful grasp of English vocabulary or ready access to an online thesaurus, it does two things that are very negative:

    1. Makes his writing difficult to digest: meaning that the message of his commentary, which is a very good one and should be absorbed by everyone, will probably be discarded by the average (i.e. easily distracted) reader as soon as they encounter the word ‘sophomoric’. This effectively renders his message as useless as if he’d responded to the interviewer on the YouTube video by flinging poop at him.
    2. Makes him look like he’s trying too hard to impress someone: like the first issue, this perception will dilute his message. Blue collar blacks and whites alike will, because of his language, view him as elitist, and dismiss his opinions altogether for a very simple and even logical reason – they’ll assume that Derrick doesn’t understand them, so his message can’t apply to them. They’ll do this even if they haven’t read/understood his message, and even if his message actually does apply to them (and it does)

    I’m sure SEBPL will one day post an article entitled “Showing Off Intellectually” (they came close with this article), and explain the ins and outs of how smart black people everywhere feel the need to always max out their intellectual capacity in public, even if it makes them impossible to understand or a pain in the ass to deal with. It’s is similar to someone driving a Corvette at 160mph at all times just because they know it can go that fast. Derrick is using way more intellectual horsepower than is necessary to get his point across, and doing so is getting him in his own way. The shit needs to stop.

    The second thing that pisses me off about Derrick (remember, I’m pissed ABOUT him, not AT him) involves subtle racism. If Derrick were white, none of this shit would’ve been news. Why? Because people wouldn’t necessarily be surprised that a white guy knew the issues and the candidates’ stances on them. It wouldn’t be a big deal, and it wouldn’t be newsworthy.

    But a black guy, especially a dark black guy, is a different story. I can only imagine that the asshole reporter approached Derrick hoping to hear a ridiculous emotional motivation for supporting Obama: namely “BECAUSE HE’S BLACK!” or “I DUNNO, I JUST LIKE THE GUY AND THINK HE CAN CHANGE THINGS!” What’s even more enraging is that the reporter wasn’t the only one who thought this way. MOST PEOPLE thought this way, including a lot of black people.

    Any person, black or white, who forwards you Derrick’s video gushing about how he knew his shit (instead of gushing about how dumb the reporter is) harbors the same latently racist attitude as the reporter. Why? Because that person is, like the reporter, either surprised or downright shocked that a black guy would know the issues so well.

    I offer a challenge for people to dig deep, and really examine what they liked about the video. Did you like the video because the presumptive, racist reporter made the mistake of assuming Derrick was an idiot based on his appearance and, as a result, wound up looking like one himself? Or did you like it because, to your surprise, Derrick was able to pose a lucid and logical defense of Barack Obama?

    Be honest with yourself. Subtle racism’s a bitch, ain’t it?


    18 03 2008

    I sincerely hope I’m not the only person noticing the increasing acceptance of the word ‘nigger’ on television.

    Five years ago, it was completely unacceptable to use this word, uncensored, on virtually any network or basic cable television program. It was bleeped out when black people said it, and it was bleeped out when white people said it. It was bleeped out on the radio when stupid ass J-Lo used it in “I’m Real”. It’s bleeped out in the censored version of Eddie Murphy’s “Raw”. It was EVEN bleeped out (usually) in PBS and basic cable airings of the “Roots” series.

    Today, you hear the word ‘nigger’ being said EVERYWHERE by EVERYONE – and nothing is more interesting than the fact that this can be blamed entirely on Comedy Central.


    Figure 1: Created a monster

    Chappelle’s Show premeired on Comedy Central sometime in 2003 with the incomparable Dave Chappelle as it’s star and creative director. The first season (and specifically, the first skit in the first episode of the first season), executed nothing short of racial shock-and-awe with Clayton Bigsby’s constant uncensored use of the word ‘nigger’. This skit was absolutely fucking hilarious and would set the tone for the racial irreverence that defined the show. What poor Dave wouldn’t realize until 2005 was that he’d created Dr. Frankenstein’s monster.

    As I see it, Dave used the word ‘nigger’ to force white people to laugh at their racist past (and present). Use of this word, as well as other black-white themes in the show, were supposed to make white people think introspectively about their own stereotypes, become aware of them, and perhaps become more cognizant of subtle, latent racism. In short, these caustic jokes were intended to make white people laugh at themselves.

    The same can be said of two now-infamous episodes of South Park – also a Comedy Central product

    The first was the ‘Here Comes the Neighborhood’ episode, in which the only black kid in town (who also happens to be the only rich kid in town) feels isolated by his wealth, and goes on a campaign to get more rich people to move in. All the rich people he gets to move in are also black, and the entire storyline is then based on the conflict between the townsfolk (all poor and white) and the newcomers (all rich and black).


    Figure 2: Rich black kids will never do this

    The conflict, however, is mockingly centered on class instead of race – the townsfolk refer their rich black neighbors as ‘richers’ instead of ‘niggers’ and dress up with white hoods and robes because “rich people are scared of ghosts”. All this is designed to make people aware of the obvious racial subtext in spite of the less plausible but certainly possible socioeconomic subtext – and again get white people to laugh at subtle racism.

    Then there was the much less subtle ‘Nigger Guy’ episode, which was partially created in response to Michael Richard’s tirade at the Laugh Factory, but was probably created even moreso in response to his claim after the fact that he’s “not a racist.”

    The plot is simple. One character is at the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune. The category of the puzzle is “People Who Annoy You” and, after picking his four consonants and a vowel, the letters on the board read N _ G G E R S.


    Figure 3: I can’t believe this hasn’t happened in real life yet

    After an uncomfortable 5 seconds and a threatening look from the black cameraman, he finally shouts out ‘NIGGERS!!!’…only to find out that the answer to the puzzle was ‘NAGGERS’ (as in people who nag.) This character then spends the rest of the show trying to convince everyone in the country that he’s not a racist, becoming socially ostracized in the process and forced to become friends with people like Michael Richards and Mark Fuhrman. Like ‘Here Comes the Neighborhood’ and Chapelle’s Show, this episode was designed to make people examine their own racist attitudes, and get a laugh by laughing at themselves.

    This is not what happened.

    All these shows accomplished was, in fact, to desensitize everyone to the word ‘nigger’ and, by extension, the very idea of racism itself. Using the word ‘nigger’ was supposed to shock people into realizing that they still harbored latently racist attitudes. Instead, it just got everyone laughing at the word ‘nigger’, black stereotypes, and the resulting indignation of black people.

    Dave Chappelle realized this sometime in late 2004, when he noticed one of his white crew members effectively laughing AT him instead of WITH him. He quit soon after, but the damage was already done. ‘Here Comes the Neighborhood’, which aired in 2001 (before Chappelle’s Show) did not use the word ‘nigger’ – not even bleeped out. After Chappelle’s Show ended, everyone was using the N-word all over television – including the ‘Nigger Guy’ episode of South Park which used the word at least several dozen times, uncensored.

    The insensitivity to the word finally leaped out of television and onto the streets of supposedly enlightened cities like Washington D.C., where suddenly I could hear white people freely using the N-word IN PUBLIC and IN THE PRESENCE OF BLACK PEOPLE. Basically, we can thank Comedy Central for an increasing perception among non-blacks that black people should be OK with the N-Word coming out of their mouths.


    Figure 4: “Duuuuude! What’s up my nigger?!”

    Of course, none of this is really surprising since Comedy Central is owned by Viacom. Many people are fooled into thinking that Viacom is a media conglomerate, but smart people know exactly what Viacom is:

    Vi . a . com [vie – ah – cohm] (n) – a soulless economic juggernaut with the sole and expressed purpose of destroying black people*

    Viacom is responsible for all kinds of offenses against black people, in addition to tricking Dave Chappelle and the creators of South Park into thinking their racially incisive wit would be understood with any degree of sophistication by the average jackass. These offenses include, but are not limited to:

    • The unmitigated destruction of hip hop as an artform and mode of cultural expression
    • The popularization of the ‘angry black man’ and ‘gay black man’ stereotypes through shows like The Real World
    • MTV
    • BET, and specifically all the racist stereotypes injected into the shows on this network, which was then expanded overseas to promote worldwide stereotypes of black people
    • The assassination of JFK**
    • The 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center**
    • The crucifixion of Jesus**
    • Slavery**
    • The destruction of Alderaan**


    Figure 5: Viacom Headquarters

    It’s pretty obvious that in ‘Undercover Brother’, Universal Pictures had Viacom in mind when referencing the nameless evil corporation, intent on the enslavement/destruction of black people, that was headed by ‘The Man’. I just wish more people saw this for what is was.

    *This may be understating a little
    **This may be overstating a little