CNN

28 08 2008

There’s something just a little…sad…about news networks that feel the need to provide 24-hour newscasts. In my opinion, there are one of two ways to go about presenting news for 24 straight hours:

  1. Present relatively in-depth journalistic reporting in the vein of 20/20, Dateline, etc.
  2. Present tiny nuggets of news wrapping in layer upon layer of bullshit, flash, pomp, circumstance, and unnecessary analysts

Watching CNN is like watching a fucking Michael Bay film, except you replace the explosions and hot chicks with useless flashy graphics, maps, charts, and analysis that is either irrelevant or just doesn’t make any fucking sense at all. Case in point – after the end of the organized retardation that was the roll call vote at the DNC yesterday, CNN decide to have some cornball analyst predict what states Obama would need to win to take the general election:

Figure 1: Click here to see a video of this stupid fucking shit

The best part is how the anchor spent 20 awkward seconds explaining to Steve Hildebrand how to use the stupid fucking thing. We then proceed to have three and a half awkward minutes of this idiot making baseless assumptions about states Obama may or may not win to reach the magic electoral number. Thanks, CNN. That’s 210 seconds I could’ve spent masturbating.

Of course, at least this time the technology actually worked. Anybody remember the CNN pie chart clusterfuck from back in February during the Iowa caucus? For whatever reason, the producers at CNN decided to make Anderson “Stoneface” Cooper show a 3-D pie chart which was to be projected off a card he was holding. It failed MISERABLY.

Figure 2: Click here to see a video of this STUPID FUCKING SHIT

That’s right – Stoneface stands there pointing a card all up in your face like a cheating husband waving his cock around in the face of his mistress* while the “Best Political Team on Televsion” laughs awkwardly in the background and my precious time is wasted yet again. Of course, the pie fucking chart doesn’t add any value to the news cast. They could’ve just thrown it up on a regular screen. They could have used Excel. They could have even used a regular motherfucking pie. Of course, that would have violated CNN’s policy of…

And, of course, no self-respecting X-TREME NEWSCAST would have all these flashy useless graphics without a platoon of flashy useless idiots to man them and provide hour after hour of inaccurate predictions, forced analysis, and a heaping helping of unfounded ethos. That’s why we have The Best Political Team on Television:

Figure 3: Jesus fucking Christ…

Nothing screams ‘Gravitas’ quite like a bunch of over-the-hill political pseudo-analysts sitting behind a wall of laptop screens that, if you turn them around, probably have porn on them. Of course, this is the kind of thing that idiots find impressive and serves to distract the typical viewer that the Best Political Team on Televsion is ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERY MOTHERFUCKING THING.

You can check out this clip to get a little dose of everything – unnecessary maps and other flashy shit, as well as useless commentary by the wall of laptops.

The most annoying thing about CNN, though, isn’t CNN itself. Rather, it’s the people who think they’re intelligent because they watch CNN. I didn’t even realize these people existed until I went off on Derek Ashong awhile back and some ass hat made the comment: “hopefully if you are watching CNN you have stepped up the vocabulary a touch with your decision to go beyond the local news.”

Anyone that thinks watching CNN requires a single brain cell more than is required to watch the local news is a complete and utter fucking lunatic who needs to have his testicles mailed to the Prince of Siam. I will conclude this post with my reply to the gentleman (or lady) that asked me to step up my vocab:

“…After all that, this guy, unlike you, doesn’t have time every evening to beat off to the works of Immanuel Kant while congratulating himself on his extensive vocabulary and ability to comprehend the ‘worldy and sophisticated’ flavor of CNN (CNN is a network that once aired a 15-minute segment on a water surfing squirrel. If this is your idea of high minded, then I apologize for arguing with you – because doing so is like fishing with dynamite).”

You must have a master’s degree to comprehend this instance of in-depth CNN reporting.

* It’s not really like that at all





‘The Book’

12 06 2008

When the movie version of ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ was released, you couldn’t walk as far as the corner store without running into nine motherfuckers talking about this godforsaken movie. The worst part of it, of course, was the fact that they were all saying the same thing:

“Yeah, the movie was good. But the book was definitely better.”

Figure 1: ‘Memoirs’ also sucked because Zhang Ziyi is a miserable asshole

This isn’t limited to ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’. People were saying it when ‘The Da Vinci Code’ was released on film. They said it when most of the Marvel movies (i.e. X-Men, The Hulk, etc.) were released, with comparisons being made to the comics. They said it when motherfucking ‘I, Robot’ was released. The shit never ever stops

There’s nothing a pompous asshole enjoys more than when a good book is made into a movie. He gets to go see the movie with his vapid hipster friends, after which they will all spend the next week reassuring themselves and others that the book was better than the movie. Granted, the point of telling people this isn’t actually to inform the victim that the book is, indeed, better than the movie. The point of this bullshit is to make people think they’re [read the rest of this sentence in a snooty English accent] a well-read member of the sophisticated elite, transcendent the trite and vulgar plane of the film’s popular appeal by virtue of having had the fortitude to engage that which is the uncompromisingly awesome cerebral challenge of the parent text…as if anyone gives a shit.

Figure 2: What the hipster sees in the mirror

They seem happy to ignore the fact that the book will, almost by sheer definition, always be better than the movie. Books are not time-bound, and consequently have more room for character development, plot development, detail, and artistic finesse. Furthermore, nobody makes shitty books into movies*. The fact that the book is already good gives it an advantage over the movie, because the movie has the potential to be awful. And even if the movie is fantastically done, it can’t develop plot and characters better than a book can, so the book is still better. You can actually use predicate logic to irrefutably prove that a movie can never be better than the book upon which it’s based.

The hipster fucktwat, however, likes to pretend that you don’t know this already. This makes it easier for him to discuss the book using words like ‘entendre’, ‘dichotomy’, ‘foil’, and ‘schadenfreude’ while your eyes glaze over at his attempt to mask his stupidity, gainless employment, and the fact that he’s 27 and still has roommates** with 4+ syllable French and/or German sounding words.

Figure 3: Somewhere out there are four angry fathers pretending not to know who the fuck these people are.

One of the most amazing things about people making book-to-film comparisons is the simple truth that no one ever asks for the comparison to be made. No one in history has ever turned to his friend during the end credits of a movie and said “hey Biff, how do you think this compares to the book?” It has never happened, not once, not ever. This means that everyone you see talking about a book compared to a movie is shoving their ideas down the throat of the listener against the listener’s will. Fascism, anyone? Here’s a list of things you can do after a movie besides hurling your literary nincompoopery at otherwise innocent people:

  • Shut the fuck up


Figure 4: Now available in Hazelnut!

The best part about shutting the fuck up is that it’s way easier than not shutting the fuck up. Here’s the process involved in shutting the fuck up:

  1. Think of something to say
  2. Don’t say it
  3. Repeat

This three-step method may be a little difficult for some hipsters to grasp, so I’ve developed an alternative one-step method for the more simple minded:

  1. Kill yourself

A world of silent and/or dead hipsters is exactly what the doctor ordered. The last thing we need is assholes in Castro hats telling us shit we already know. We don’t need hipsters telling us that backpacking through Europe is better than reading an Atlas. We don’t need hipsters telling us sex is better than masturbation. And we sure as hell don’t need hipsters telling us that books are better than movies.

*Usually.
**This is acceptable if you’re a doctor in residency, or you live on the International Space Station





Movies

28 05 2008

There are two contexts under which a man will say to himself – “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening.” One is the ‘good’ context, such as in that which a man realizes he’s about to win the lottery or he’s about to have sex with two hot chicks at the same time. The other is the ‘bad’ context, such as that in which a man realizes his firstborn son is about to get hit by a freight train at full speed…or he realizes he’s about to go to the movies.

We (black people) all hate movies whether we’ll admit it or not. We hate going to the movies because we know that, in almost all cases, there will be some kind of fucked up treatment of blacks (or other colored folk) in terms of their roles, portrayals, dialog and, in many cases, the complete lack of all of these.

There are all kinds of categories of fucked up film to choose from when you’re looking at it as a black person. There are some that I’m not even going to get into because it’s so trite and obvious, like the category of movies where the only significant black character is the first to die.

Stemming from this, though, we have the category that evolved from ‘Only Coon Dies’ – namely, ‘Every Coon Dies’. This category was spearheaded by the otherwise fantastic movie ‘300’, in which literally every single black person in the movie is killed in some horrendously miserable way: kicked into a bottomless pit and beheaded by a bizarre creature with fleshy blades for arms, among others. ‘300’ saw fit not only to kill us all, but to give us the most ridiculously insane deaths imaginable in a movie predicated entirely on ridiculously insane death.

Figure 1: THIS! IS! RACIST!

There’s the ‘Supporting Negro’ category that we’ve had to deal with since Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for it in 1940 for her portrayal as Mammie in ‘Gone with the Wind’ (anybody else find it completely fucked up that her character was actually NAMED after a specific stereotype?) As time went on, black actors were forced into supporting roles even when they were better actors than the white leads they shadowed (Will Smith in ‘Bagger Vance’, Bill Duke in ‘Predator’, Djimon in ‘Gladiator’, Morgan Freeman in every fucking movie he’s ever been in).

Aside: Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman gets the Oscar for “Most Fucked Over Actor in Hollywood History”. He MUST have the shittiest agent on the face of the Earth, because this guy is constantly coming in second place to an increasingly talentless band of white actors starting with Matthew fucking Broderick in ‘Glory’ and ending most recently with Steve Carell in ‘Evan Almighty’.

Sub-Aside: Morgan Freeman as God

‘Bruce Almighty’ and ‘Evan Almighty’ tried to cover up Hollywood’s persistent racism by casting Morgan Freeman as God. They figured black people would be so happy with a black man portraying God that’d we’d overlook the fact that Morgan Freeman was playing second fiddle to a pair of hacks. They failed. Fuck Hollywood and fuck all of L.A. for that matter.

Figure 2: Why does God need to wear a fucking suit?

End Sub-Aside

I can safely say that the only case where the lead actor was actually on or above his level was Tim Robbins in ‘The Shawshank’ Redemption, but I still claim that the movie would have been even more interesting if it focused more on the life of Freeman’s character. Enough of this shit already.

End Aside.

Let’s not forget, of course, those movies where minority roles are snatched away from minorities altogether and filled by whites. This used to be a category suffered almost exclusively by Native Americans in every movie from John Wayne’s ‘The Searchers’ to Daniel Day Lewis in ‘Last of the Mohicans’. Remember that ‘crying Indian’ from the Don’t Litter commercials? That fucker was Sicilian. Black people, however, are being newly banged in the ass with this category for the first time since the days of Al Jolson with Robert Downey Jr.’s portrayal as a black man in ‘Tropic Thunder.’ I refuse to see this movie, because I know that as soon as I hear RDJ try to talk like a black person, I am going to go completely apeshit and stab myself with a barong.


Figure 3: Did they give you a bigger penis, too?

Usurping of roles isn’t the only thing blacks and indians have in common when it comes to reasons to hate film. There’s the even more pervasive (and far more infuriating) ‘White Jesus’ category. These are the movies that pretend to be about blacks or indians, but just turn out to be a way to make white people look good because they involve a white man ‘saving’ the colored group, usually from other white people.

Figure 4: Fuck you.

With these films, Hollywood wants to dupe people into thinking that a movie about coloreds = a colored movie. Here’s a hint, you L.A. fucksticks: any movie with a white protagonist is a white movie, you aren’t fooling anyone, and you can go straight to hell. Shining examples of this are ‘Amistad’ and ‘Glory’ for black people, ‘Dances with Wolves’ and ‘Last of the Mohicans’ for indians, and ‘The Last Samurai’ for asians. If I could go back in time and nuke these movies’ sets, I swear to God I would.

So if we nig-gars are so damn unhappy with the mainstream film choices, then why not be happy with ‘black’ movies like ‘Love and Basketball’, ‘Brown Sugar’, ‘The Best Man’, ‘Dreamgirls’, ‘Diary of a Mad Black Woman’, ‘Soul Food’ or ‘Waiting to Exhale’?

Simple: all these movies are shit.

Almost all black movies that make it to the mainstream simply MUST involve at least two of the following: gangsters, sports, cheating black men, bitter black women, music, and Soul Food – the last item, which has a movie of the same name, is probably the most ridiculous of all. Do you think Tom Hanks’ white ass would ever star in a movie called ‘Casserole’?

Figure 5: Would never happen

The only really notable exception to this rule was ‘The Color Purple’ which, I believe, was a great movie if for no other reason than it didn’t involve the typical monolithic cast of modern no-talent black actors: Taye Diggs, Sanaa Lathan, Morris Chesnut, Nia Long, Omar Epps, etc. Understanding WHY black films can’t break the shackles of stereotypical subjects is the most enraging reality of all: they simply wouldn’t work.

Anybody who needs proof that racism isn’t dead and that black people and white people are nowhere near being on equal social footing only needs to think to himself why black equivalents of historical epics (a black ‘Gladiator’), existential pieces (a black ‘The Truman Show’), non-musical/non-sports biographies (a black ‘Capote’), horror flicks (a black ‘Exorcist’), adventure films (a black ‘Indiana Jones’), or sci-fi (a black ‘Star Wars’) generally aren’t commercially viable – it’s because white people ain’t interested in that shit.

Why aren’t they interested? This is why

.





Product Placement

21 05 2008

Not too long ago, I kicked back and started thinking about why I’m such a fan of historical epics, sci-fi films, and fantasy movies. I can watch Gladiator, Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings over and over again until I’m half-starved and blue in the face, and the idea of this doesn’t seem to bother me at all.

While watching ‘Knocked Up’ last night, I suddenly realized why I love these three genres so much: NO PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

Figure 1: You will not find a Lockheed Martin badge on an X-Wing

I’ve seen Knocked Up at least four times, but last night was the first time I really noticed how heavily Apple Computer advertised in that movie. If you look carefully enough, you’ll realize that every computer in the movie is a Mac. This is fine, right up until the part where it becomes implausible. Namely, the five unemployed male losers that (whose ‘job’ is to create a website that tells when chicks get naked in film) that star in the movie somehow own a 17″ PowerBook – a laptop that costs at least $3,000

I don’t really have a problem with producers allowing companies to advertise in their movies, as long as doing so doesn’t cut against the grain of reality and as long as the advertising is subtle. At least Knocked Up kept the product placement relatively ‘soft’, albeit unrealistic. But it’s those movies that jam the advertising down your fucking throat that are just downright insulting. Here are the most recent offenders that I can remember:

1.) Minority Report: the only thing I really remember about this movie is the fact that it was a gigantic Lexus ad. Everybody was driving a futuristic Lexus, and all the buildings were awash in Lexus advertising. Minority Report was an entertaining film no doubt, but as far as I’m concerned I will forever know it as the one that wins the Oscar for ‘Most Effectively Blitzkrieged by a Single Advertiser.”

Figure 2: Uglier than Tom Cruise’s soul

2.) I Robot: this flick was virtually gang raped by product placement. From the money shot of Will Smith’s new Converse sneakers, to the even longer money shot of a JVC sound system, product placement is shoved handily up your ass throughout the movie with no hope of it ever stopping. The automotive dominance of Audi in this movie, combined with the dominance of Lexus in Minority Report, suggests that the future will be filled with crooked detectives able to afford luxury cars with kickbacks taken from organized crime. Maddox’s article on I Robot should be read by every person on the goddamn planet.

3.) Casino Royale: this fucking movie wins the Oscar for “Most Insanely Out of Place Product Placement.” The whole premise of the James Bond franchise is wowing men with things they will never ever have: a license to kill, futuristic gadgets, insurmountable cool, the ability to travel around the world, access to ferociously hot women and the charm to get them ALL in bed, and, of course, expensive cars. To the last item, then, you must remember that the first car Jimbo drives in Casino Royale is a Ford Mondeo, the logo of which the camera is fixated upon in extreme zoom for a solid ten seconds. If the rest of the movie hadn’t been so badass, the only thing I’d be able to remember is that MI6 had an enormous budgetary shortfall last year and couldn’t afford to put Mr. Bond in a decent whip.

Figure 3: Comes out of the closet James. We still love you.

4.) Sex & the City: a special award goes to this six-year orgasm of fashion product placement and brand name dropping. Prada, Dolce & Gabanna, Manolo Blahnik, Versace, Chanel, and countless other designers wrapped Carrie Bradshaw’s bony pale frame in a completely impossible shroud of Italian fashion. As evidenced in the episode where this vacuous bubbleheaded vagina pirate couldn’t buy her own apartment, she had a tiny income and virtually no savings – yet inexplicably owned a closet full of shoes costing upwards of $500 a pair, and seemed to add to this collection in just about every episode. There’s nothing more blithely irresponsible than a series/movie that suggests spending 60% of your income of footwear will lead to good things in your life.

Figure 4: Reality

Got other examples? This shit is making my damn blood boil this morning.





Sex & the City

11 04 2008

I’ll admit this up front: I watch Sex & the City.

I don’t watch it, however, because I enjoy the silly comedic moments or the idiot-savant romantic insights of Carrie fucking Bradshaw. Instead, I watch Sex & the City because after working 8 hours in the office and up to another 5 hours at home and spending another 3 hours sewing beads on my dance regalia, there are only three things that can put a smile on my face:

  1. Sex. I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m too lazy for one night stands, so this is out.
  2. Pancakes. Under the imminent threat of diabeetus and weight gain, I usually don’t eat bread after noon if I can help it.
  3. Self-destructive behavior of unreasonable white women. This is the living definition of Sex & the City.

Figure 1: Vaginitus Douchebitchicus Caucasus Maximus Quadruplicus.

I was perfectly content to watch the four unattractive hags* that star in the show blunder their way through life from now until the Rapture. The general unhappiness of these women made me happy enough to overlook the implausibility of four essentially sociopathic women all having very successful careers that involve – get this – dealing with other people.

Then I had an epiphany: Sex & the City is a white woman’s visual manifesto of classism and racism.

For now, I’m going to skip the classism part because if I were to contemplate it long enough, I will lose my shit. So instead I’ll just focus on the flagrant racism in this motherfucking show.

In my memory, there were four black characters who had speaking parts that lasted more than ten damn seconds – and this is where the racism starts. Sex & the City’s conspicuously unrealistic absence of black people in NEW YORK CITY is surpassed only by that of the partial-birth abortion of a show called ‘Friends’. The popularity among white women of these shows combined with the popularity of New York shows us exactly what white women are looking for:

Figure 2: Fuckers.

But let’s get beyond that and look at the few black characters that were in the show.

Brother and Sister: there was an episode where Samantha (the village bicycle of the show) decided to date a black guy. I can’t remember what he did for a living, but I’m pretty sure I remember it involving sports, and he was very successful. He was an all around good guy.

This man had a sister – a very attractive black woman who, I shit you not, spent the entire show yelling, waving her neck, and snapping her fingers at Samantha loudly and in inappropriate venues telling her that she didn’t want to see “another good brother taken by a white girl.” In the end, it was actually the MAN who capitulated to his sister’s wishes and broke up with Samantha.

  • What black people see: a white woman taking yet another of the endangered species of good, eligible black men, and the sister rightly getting her brother to come to his senses.
  • What white people see: domineering racist ghetto negro wench hates white people for no good reason, and her weak willed negro man-child of a brother is too much of a pussy to stand up to her. Black women are crazy, black men are sissies.

Navy Boy: in one episode, the four Itchy Vaginas come across a bunch of model-worthy male sailors wearing Navy jumpers walking around aimlessly in midtown, because apparently this shit happens all the fucking time. The sailors invite the IVs to some party that night. The main character, Carrie, spends the whole time at the party dancing with some black pretty boy sailor from Louisiana who looks like a shrunken-down version of The Rock wearing a fruity sailor outfit.

At the end of the night, Carrie and The Pebble are talking outside the lounge. Sounding like a lost puppy, the guy asks her, in nearly as many words, “can I please come home with you tonight?” Carrie, who has had uncountably many one night stands with dudes straight out of hotchickswithdouchebags.com, rejects this guy – opting instead to go home and, for all I know, masturbate to videos of black men being attacked with dogs and fire hoses during the March to Montgomery.

  • What black people see: black man far and away out of Carrie’s league gets rejected by her for no particular reason at all. Sheer racism (or comeuppance, since overly attractive black men should not be passing up black women to fuck with white girls that look like an incarnate Australopithecus exhibit.)
  • What white people see: horny black navy boy is on shore leave and wants to invade the Antarctic. Carrie, who is pure and white as the driven snow, rejects his coontastical advances and remains ever unpenetrated by the black torpedo.

Sports Man: GASP! A RECURRING BLACK CHARACTER! That’s right everybody, Sex & the City featured for several episodes a dark, intelligent, extremely well-paid, highly educated black man with more moral character than Jesus himself…dating Miranda, aka the fugliest of member of the cast, for several weeks.

FIgure 3: I saw her face, and my dick evaporated.

Sports man is called ‘Sports Man’ because he’s an orthopedist for the Knicks. This makes sense because black men can’t be successful unless it either directly or obliquely involves sports. Miranda is constantly getting jealous of Sports Man because all the white cheerleaders on the Knicks are all over his jock. But he remains ever faithful to this red headed sea monster, eventually even popping the ‘L’ word on her. She freaks out, and breaks up with him to make babies with Woody Allen’s ugly twin.

  • What black people see: a ferociously attractive, successful, and loyal black man gets his heart farted on by the last living child of the corn in a combination of bullshit, racism, and karma.
  • What white people see: the Superman of black people is not good enough even for the ugliest, most judgmental, type A ho-bag in the entire Itchy Vagina Ensemble. Black people are shit. High five!

I can’t fucking take it anymore. It’s time for me to drive to NYC and scalp Sarah Jessica Parker.

Figure 4: Maybe there’s a fourth thing that can put a smile on my face…

*My father hates Sarah Jessica Parker and everything about her. If you ever meet the terrifying man that is my father and you want to immediately make him like you – insult Sarah Jessica Parker. If you want him to LOVE you, call her an “intolerable horse-faced pussy smuggler who belongs in a zoo rather than on television”.





Titanic

25 03 2008

One of the few people you’ll meet who will actually admit to enjoying most of the movie ‘Titanic’…is me. Despite Leo DiCaprio’s boyishly girly face shitting up the screen for three fucking hours and a plot meant to give men false romantic hope*, there was plenty to enjoy about this movie:

  • Rich white people treating poor white people the same way poor white people treated all black people
  • Unnecessary high-stakes gambling
  • Leo’s Italian buddy getting crushed by a smokestack the size of a townhouse
  • The rich dude flipping out, then chasing Leo and Kate around the sinking ship trying to shoot them
  • Car sex
  • Boobies
  • Theft (if you think about it, Leo basically spends the entire movie stealing shit [women, hats, coats, food, tickets, etc.])
  • Mayhem involving lifeboats
  • Snotty British dudes being constantly punched in the face or told to “SHUT UP!”
  • Drinking contests, arm wrestling, and the constant falling down of drunken Irishmen

Then something happened in Titanic to make me hate the whole movie, and it’s the same thing that nearly made me hate iRobot as well: some chick performed a live-saving but potentially life-ending act with her fucking eyes closed in fear**.

Remember the scene I’m talking about? Little Boy Leo is handcuffed to a pipe below decks, and Rhode Island Red Kate Winslett shows up to free him with an axe. After a couple of awful practice swings, this chick heaves the axe at the chain between Leo’s wrists – a space of about four inches – WITH HER FUCKING EYES CLOSED!

rose.jpg

Figure 1: Do not give this woman an axe

Leo closed his eyes, too. But I’m sure if he’d opened them to see her eyes closed while swinging a goddamn axe at him, the remainder of Titanic would have just consisted of him screaming in hysteric disbelief at Kate as the ship sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.

While I was able to enjoy some of the movie after this, I definitely spent the rest of the movie with that scene sticking in my craw. I sat there fuming about both male and female physical incompetence. Titanic and iRobot unfairly categorize women as being the only ones afraid of heavy weapons, but the truth of the matter is that most city-fied men are just as scared. Let’s face facts people: men are becoming just as uncomfortable and unfamiliar with power tools, weapons, and the general manly act of knowing how to fix shit as women are with the womanly act of knowing how to cook (pasta does NOT count) and make clothing.

Dudes that can’t do simple things (called Fundamentals of Manliness, or FOM) like change a tire, change car oil and filters, start a fire without matches, assemble/disassemble a pistol or rifle, find the North Star, build a house, cook a steak, split wood, fix a bike chain, determine the time of day from the position of the sun, install a dimmer switch, prep a fishing line, get places without detailed directions, or fire up a BBQ pit…all those dudes fucking suck and have gigantic pussy flaps. The only thing more infuriating than the fact that these guys exist is HOW MANY OF THEM EXIST. There are millions of men in cities all over America who are rendered completely useless once you take a computer away from them.

indian.jpg queereye.jpg

Figure 2: Standard of Manliness (l to r): Before Titanic…and after

The pervasive unmanning of men can be blamed entirely on Titanic. Why? Because Titanic duped men into thinking that FOM ignorance is only a female problem, and it kept these men from coming to the realization: “hey, my delicate ass doesn’t know how to swing an axe, either!” Comfortable with their false sense of FOMliness, these same dudes allowed shows like Queer Eye to become popular and further contribute to the decline in FOM. It’s only going to get worse with time.

Titanic is a secret project devised by the French to make American men even girlier than theirs, thus allowing them to successfully invade the United States. James Cameron should be tried and hanged for High Treason.

jamescameron.jpg

Figure 3: Hates America

*Titanic is similar to ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in this respect. Chuck Klosterman accurately pointed out that WHMS served the sole purpose of convincing every idiot guy with a hot female friend that, someday, he could be her man – which is an unmitigated crock of shit. Similarly, Titanic tries to convince idiot guys that chicks will trade their life with a rich douchebag for a life with a financially-poor-but-personality-rich good guy. This is also bullshit. The rich girl will happily have an affair with the poor guy, but she’ll never actually leave the rich guy. This is why rich white women hire pool boys.

**There’s a scene in iRobot where the main female character frees Will Smith from the Vulcan Death Grip of a robot by shooting it with a machine gun…with her eyes closed in fear. The reason I don’t hate iRobot is because, unlike Titanic, someone called her out on this shit: the little squirrely guy says to will “Holy shit dude that chick just shot at you with her eyes closed.” Will then proceeds to scream at her for awhile, and she justifies her actions by saying “well it worked, didn’t it?” This means-justifying-the-ends attitude is proof that both she and Kate Winslett are fascists.





Planet of the Apes

3 03 2008

One of the biggest complaints black people had with the original version of ‘Planet of the Apes’ was the fact that the intelligent leader apes were light while the peon monkeys were dark. This shit was a flagrant negative racial metaphor, and I’m pretty surprised that it didn’t cause a lot more controversy/riots than it actually did.

zaius.jpg

Figure 1: Apes have Wiggers, too

So when ‘Planet of the Apes’ was released again in 2001, my primary motivation was to see how they’d address this issue. For the first 30 minutes(?) or so as the plot developed, I was fairly satisfied. The peon soldier monkeys that were chasing the humans through the jungle weren’t all that dissimilar in appearance to the evil general monkey, and it looked like they were going to stay away from having apes that were inexplicably blond.

But…someone involved in the making of that movie just couldn’t help him/herself. I’m a fairly quiet guy in a movie theater, but when the humans were brought back to the ape town and they showed the ape denizens playing basketball and hanging out on the steps smoking shit, I couldn’t help but yell “OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!” – which resulted (thankfully) in the entire theater exploding with laughter.

dkbball.jpg

Figure 2: This would never ever happen

Everyone in the room knew what I was pissed about, so I know I’m not being paranoid when I say that the new Planet of the Apes is just as fuckedupdedly racist as the original (though at least this time it was kinda funny). Why couldn’t the goddamn apes be skateboarding or playing tag or street hockey? Why them niggaz gotta be chillin’ on the goddamn steps? It doesn’t even follow logically from the apes’ origins.

The original apes were on a spaceship full of white people. It would follow, then, that the apes would develop sports that mimicked what their ‘owners’ would play – and for white people that’d be soccer or hockey or poker or some shit. Basketball would be the last thing to develop, if at all. I know there’s a missing link to that argument, but fuck you.

pokermonkey.jpg

Figure 3: The Real Dr. Zaius

Second of all, the original apes from the spaceship were intelligent as hell. They flew spaceships for Christ’s sake. Why, then, would the descendant monkeys have devolved into a bunch of lazy fucktards passing the day by sitting on the steps and getting high? If you wanna make the apes black, fine. But at least stereotype them positively and have them attending a fucking poetry slam or something! Sittin’ on the damn steps…fuck you.

Near the end of the movie, the girl ape kisses Mark Walberg on the lips. My white friend leans over and says to me “hey dude, I bet you’re getting a hard on.”

I hate everything.