Aside: Stupid Comments

30 07 2008

I received the following comment in the ‘Why You Shouldn’t Read This Blog’ page today:

Although I think your blog is pretty funny and I do look into it almost every day, you should take it easy on ranting about people of other ethnic backgrounds -such as Europeans and Asians. You don’t know enough about foreign countries to do that and your rants are less sarcastic as you wish, they are sometimes just ignorant and insulting. And “Why you shouldn’t read that blog” is not an excuse.

Before you write something, think how you would feel if you read something similar about black people. For example, exchange the word “persian” in your persian threat with “african-american” and reread it. Would you still laugh about it, it is ok. Would you feel offended yourself, then you should not write it. Pretty logical.

Having said this, I like most of your others posts and the humor.

Any regular readers of my blog know that I get stupid comments all the time from people of all walks of life. For some reason, however, this one struck me as particularly ludicrous, and I feel compelled to rip it apart piece-by-piece.

Although I think your blog is pretty funny and I do look into it almost every day, you should take it easy on ranting about people of other ethnic backgrounds -such as Europeans and Asians.

Why the hell do so many people assume that I give a flying fuck about what they think I should or shouldn’t be writing? Seriously, dude…why? Despite the fact that this blog became popular completely by accident, I am well aware of three things: 1.) this blog didn’t become popular by me tip-toeing around people with bleeding hearts and sensitive backsides, 2.) this blog didn’t become popular by me listening to the insanely arbitrary opinions of people carrying on about what I should or shouldn’t write, and 3.) I do not care how popular this blog is or isn’t (if I did, I wouldn’t have alienated 80% of my reader base with the ‘Black Women’ aside.)

Please please PLEASE shut the hell up about what I should or shouldn’t we writing about.


You don’t know enough about foreign countries to do that and your rants are less sarcastic as you wish, they are sometimes just ignorant and insulting.

The first clause of this sentence is perhaps the most infuriatingly hypocritical thing I’ve read in months. The author claims on one hand that I shouldn’t attack cultures I [supposedly] don’t know anything about, while at the same time attacking me as if she somehow knows enough about me to be qualified to argue what I do and do not know about other countries.

I suppose that since she’s read the title pages for the blog, she figures she’s a certified ‘knower’ of who the fuck I am. If the bar for knowing someone is set that low, then I am more than qualified to talk shit ad infinitum about – using her example – Asians and Persians.

Most of my best friends are Asian, as is one of my ex-girlfriends whose parents are native-born Chinese. I learned enough Mandarin to speak almost conversationally with her mother who barely spoke a lick of English. I can also greet people and swear in both Vietnamese and Korean. I was the Vice President of the asian club in high school.

As for Persians, they’ve been marrying into my family for years. I have a near and dear Persian cousin in law named Arrash whom my Persian article describes in vivid detail. At any of my family’s gatherings, you will find between 6 – 20 Persians struggling to choose between lamb kabobs, pork ribs, and deer steaks.

If she can know anything about me from my blog, then I’m qualified to write a fucking dissertation on Asians and Persians.

As for whether or not my posts are sarcastic…it’s not my problem if everyone doesn’t get my sense of humor. I am not running for President, and I don’t give a a flying motherfucking fuck if my sarcasm gives certain people, or even most people, indigestion. Don’t like it? LEAVE. Don’t get it? LEAVE. If you think I’m seriously racist or ignorant, then I’ve got news for you – there are bigger fish for you to fry. I get the feeling that if these motherfuckers were actually interested in changing the attitudes of real racists, they’d roll their soap box on over to the KKK website and ‘kick some knowledge’ there. But they don’t, because they’re far less interested in enacting social change than they are in hearing themselves talk and beating off to their own pseudo-intellectualism.


And “Why you shouldn’t read that blog” is not an excuse.

I love how she tacked this on at the end almost as an afterthought. She’s right though – it’s not an excuse, because an excuse is something you use to justify something wrong or inappropriate. I need not justify my blog, because there is nothing at all wrong about it. ‘Why you shouldn’t read this blog’ is intended to dissuade the ranks of the humorless from reading my blog. It’s one of the few written pieces on my site that ISN’T a joke. The point of it isn’t to coyly entice people to read more of my site – the point is to say “get the fuck off my site if you can’t laugh at yourself,” and I am completely serious about that.

If you read this warning, then read my posts and get offended anyway, you are a fucking idiot. You cannot follow simple instructions. You probably have burn scars on your hands from when your mom told you not to touch a hot stove and you did it anyway. It’s not my fault that you refuse to listen.


Before you write something, think how you would feel if you read something similar about black people. For example, exchange the word “persian” in your persian threat with “african-american” and reread it. Would you still laugh about it, it is ok. Would you feel offended yourself, then you should not write it. Pretty logical.

Now this jerkoff has the nerve to talk about me like I’m a fucking five year old. She has the nerve to talk ‘logic’ with a trained engineer. She also has the nerve to act like Black people have no idea what it’s like to be ridiculed. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, LADY?!?!?!?! How would I feel if I read something offensive about Black people? Is there anything about this site that implies that I DON’T watch the news everyday?

Let’s answer your question directly, though: If I went to a site run by a white guy with close black friends that featured an 800-word essay explaining that the site was a joke, and consisted of ferociously over-the-top posts bashing just about every ethnic group on the planet including mine and his…I would laugh my fucking ass off.

I guess you wouldn’t. Here’s some logic: Sucks to be you.


Having said this, I like most of your others posts and the humor.

Yea? Fuck yourself.





Aside: The New Yorker

16 07 2008

I suppose it goes without saying that everyone is, by now, familiar with the following image:

Figure 1: Get over it

It appears that damn near everyone in the country is upset about this cover except me and the The New Yorker’s Editor (and, of course, whoever drew the damn thing). In fact, when I first saw the cover, I laughed so hard I damn near crapped my pants.

First of all, the fucking thing is clearly over-the-top political satire. Anyone that’s ever read The New Yorker, or even heard of it for that matter, is familiar with the fact that the magazine is CONSTANTLY printing controversial political cartoons designed to make people challenge their own perceptions. This naturally leads self-important reactionary left-wing douchebags (and so-called Educated Black People) to make pompous statements like the following:

“Yea it’s satire, and I know WE [pompous liberal yuppie douches] get it, but I don’t think the ‘others’ in America will.”

This shit enrages me for two sets of reasons:

First,

  1. Generally speaking, pompous liberal yuppie douches are NOT that intelligent – and yes, I draw SHARP distinctions between intelligence and education
  2. The vast majority of Americans DO NOT read The New Yorker
  3. Liberal douches are aware that most Americans DO NOT read The New Yorker
  4. If liberal douches think the cartoon would damage Obama’s image if it were exposed to the masses…why are they making such a fuss about it and shoving it into the national spotlight? SHUT THE FUCK UP THEN, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!
  5. The outrage displayed is, therefore, a disingenuous mechanism for gathering props from/getting laid by other liberal yuppie douches who find logically vacuous righteous indignation super fucking sexy

Secondly,

  1. The vast majority of Americans fall into one of two camps: those who like Obama, and those who do not
  2. The Americans that like Obama see the cartoon for what it is – a round lampooning of the ridiculous statements concerning Obama’s patriotism, heritage, religion, and ambitions made by…
  3. The Americans that do not like Obama. The effects of this cartoon on them will at worst reinforce internalized notions about Obama that nobody was about to change anyway, and at best (and far more likely) force them to realize just how RIDICULOUS their opinions are

People need to pipe the fuck down with the kneejerk self-righteous self-aggrandizing false outrage already. Obama has way bigger problems that a magazine whose cartoon, while controversial, will do nothing but help his chances.

Jesus fucking Christ.





Aside: Black Women

21 06 2008

The things I’ve witnessed over the past 10 days or so, especially tonight, have truly led me to understand why black women remain the most unmarried demographic of females in the entire fucking country. I can’t wait for Bill Cosby to write a followup to his original book “Come On, Ladies – Get The Fuck Out Of Your Own Way.”

Jesus fucking goddamn Christ…I did not think it was physically possible for me to be this pissed off.

Figure 1: I’ve never liked the man…but suddenly I think we understand one another

Editor’s Note: So I don’t have to hear anymore dumbasses waxing retarded about my alleged hatred of black women, I’m posting a followup comment I made several days ago to the front page of this post. To the other dumbasses who think this post was the result of me being rejected by a black woman, you are wrong. Sorry. If you read this comment and still think I hate black women, feel free to kill yourself.

The Comment:

“I know my own self-worth and I won’t lower my standards for yackity yackity yackity yack…”

What’s interesting about Muse’s response is that the problem good black men tend to have with black women (I’m leaving idiot black men out of the discussion because, like idiots of every color, they are irrelevant) is the very fact that so many women DO lower their standards. Then after getting burned they don’t raise their standards, they just come up with a bunch of stupid ones.

Damn near every black woman travels this path:

1. Fall for some assclown 50 cent lookalike wannabe music producer
2. Get burned by the assclown, but in the process learn what you don’t want in a man
3. Good guy falls in her lap, but she’s too busy dismissing him wholesale or beating him to death with her emotional baggage from the last relationship to realize she’s fucking herself over to, ironically, keep from getting fucked over

To illustrate:

Scenario 1) Sue is Jack’s “boo”. Jack doesn’t have a job, is forgiven. Jack cheats on Sue, is forgiven. Jack emotionally abuses Sue, is forgiven. Jack goes to jail on misdemeanor drug possession, is forgiven. Jack disrespects Jill’s friends, is forgiven. Jack reveals three illegitimate children, is forgiven.

Scenario 2) After Sue finally dumps Jack, she meets Bill. He is attractive, intelligent, and funny. She learns he owns his home, has a stable and high-paying career, and volunteers frequently. Sue is really into this guy…until she learns he’s two years younger than she is, which is against one of the new horseshit relationship rules she pulled out of O Magazine. When he asks if he can call her, she says “you’re too young” and walks away.

After exiting a bad relationship, women love to establish sets of criteria that their next guy will have to meet. This is a good concept except that the criteria the women pick are usually completely irrelevant when it comes to avoiding bad guys, and are at the same time remarkably effective at deflecting good guys. Shit like “I won’t date guys more than three years younger than me” or “I won’t give my number out at a bar” are typical examples of women thinking that having a lot of standards is the same thing as having good standards.

Black women aren’t the only ones that do this of course – women in general just love to make good guys jump through a thousand hoops while inexplicably opening the floodgates for marginally charismatic jackasses.
Non-black women, however, aren’t subject to the unfortunate and extremely unfair social circumstances that black women are; in short, black women, through no fault of their own, simply can’t afford to have this attitude.

Every black woman hears this argument about being attracted to bad guys and dismissing the good and cries “NOT ME, I’M DIFFERENT!”, and yet – as so many black men on this board can attest – we see it happen more often than not. It’s like ten years ago before it was cool to admit to watching porn: everybody said “I don’t watch that filth!”, yet porn was somehow a multi-billion dollar industry.

Other women throw nonsensical excuses at the person making the point:

1.) The good guys coming at me are dorky, ugly, and/or have no game
2.) You just hate black women
3.) Your problem is that you just have a fetish for white/asian women
4.) You hang out in the wrong places
5.) Don’t be mad because black women aren’t throwing themselves at you

I find it sad that in this age of female empowerment so many educated women are responding with this decidedly unempowering response. (Enthusiastically assigning blame to others robs you of the ability to fix the problem yourself and is decidedly unempowering.)

Granted, I could be accused of doing exactly that…except for the qualifying word ‘enthusiastically’. It does not make me happy to recognize the seemingly pathologic attraction black women have to liars, cheaters, losers, deadbeats and gangbangers. This might sound arrogant, but fuck it…I truly wish that I could assign most or all of the blame for my own mishaps with black women and their frequent attraction to unworthy men on myself – if the problem is me, then at least I’m in control.

I suppose I misspoke by saying these are all conclusions I came to in the last ten days. That’s not true; these opinions have been forming for years based on everything from personal experience to readings of doctoral dissertations (yea, I’m that asshole). It’s just the last ten days that finally set me off about it.





Aside: Stupid Emails

6 05 2008

I received the following email today:

“Hi Chris,

I would first like to say that I absolutely love your blog! It is funny, real, honest, intellectual and quite the refreshing read after a long day’s work.

Having said that, I do have a suggestion for you. I think your blog should continue as “stuff black people hate” instead of your personal dating site. I do not know about the other women who read your blog, but I am completely aware that the FAQ’s ‘are you single/available’ and ‘do you date women who aren’t black’ are ploys to get you a hot black woman in the dc area. I am not mad at your attempt to find companionship; however, I do think it takes away from the blog.

I’m really not trying to bust your balls; I just thought you should know!

Thank you for the tireless energy that you focus towards the blog and please keep up the great work!!”

Given the not-at-all-veiled backhandedness of this email, I spent about ten minutes trying to figure out if Hillary Clinton wrote it. After all, Mrs. Clinton has a tendency to believe that coating an ‘eat-shit’ fish sammich with honey somehow makes it go down easier, which is true…but only with stupid fucking people from rural Ohio and Pennsylvania.

Figure 1: Thanks for ruining this delicious sandwich for me, asshole

After awhile I realized that Hillary Clinton probably doesn’t care very much about me, so I took the email for what it was: the electronic musings of someone who read the Cliff’s Notes for a Dale Carnegie book and got it all the fuck wrong. Since this reader failed to win me over as a friend or influence me to tear down my FAQ section or whatever the hell she wanted me to do*, and since she’s probably not the only person with these sentiments, and since I’m bored for once, I’ll simply rip apart each sentence of her second paragraph as I sit here on the toilet with the door open so I can hear Family Guy in the next room:

1.) Having said that, I do have a suggestion for you.

I don’t care. Seriously. If I listened to the suggestions of every person with half an opinion that emailed me, the following would have happened by now:

  • I would have stopped writing this blog because “Beyonce might see it and find it seriously offensive” [from an email in mid-March]
  • I would have written dozens of posts about mayonnaise [countless emails and comments]
  • I would be at the head of a movement to convince black people to move back to Africa [oddly enough, this idea was posed to me by both a black supremacist and a white supremacist ON THE SAME DAY]

No fucking thanks. I will continue to take suggestions only from the thoughts that pop into my head when I encounter someone (like you) or something (like your email) is so saturated with unfounded horseshit that I’m forced into the bathroom to get it out of my system.

2.) I think your blog should continue as “stuff black people hate” instead of your personal dating site.

This might be a valid comment if I had ever, in the 3 or so months this site has been up, so much as indirectly attempted in any way to date anyone that’s contacted me about this site. Since that isn’t the case, I suppose that renders you guilty of 1st degree aggravated falsely-presumptive jackassery. I think you get the chair for that in Texas.

3.) I do not know about the other women who read your blog, but I am completely aware that the FAQ’s ‘are you single/available’ and ‘do you date women who aren’t black’ are ploys to get you a hot black woman in the dc area.

Wow Negrodamus, you see ALL! I shouldn’t be angry at you though, because woman-law mandates that you draw outlandish conclusions from a man’s simple statements of fact. My FAQ section was written for practical purposes: to answer frequently asked questions. To address the two FAQs you mentioned specifically, the idea was to reduce the number of emails I got asking me if I was single [209 of these] and if I dated non-black women [59 of these]. After I posted the FAQ, these emails slowed significantly. Smart people call it ‘Problem Solving’.

As for a so-called ‘ploy’ to attract hot black women…no. I am decently paid, well educated, cultured, kind of a jerk, and I can even be witty from time to time – so I have neither the time nor the need to devise scams to attract the opposite sex. I do just fine being myself, thank you.

4.) I am not mad at your attempt to find companionship; however, I do think it takes away from the blog.

I am not mad at you for emailing me with your inane suggestions based on incorrect assumptions; however, I do think it’s taking away from the satisfaction of the dump I’m taking right…[strain]…now.

*Unless her goal was to get me to write about her email; in which case, I can’t win em all dammit.





Aside: Hillary Clinton is a Lying Cunt

24 04 2008

I am seriously beginning to hope that terrible things happen to this fucking woman.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/04/24/campaign.wrap/index.html