CNN

28 08 2008

There’s something just a little…sad…about news networks that feel the need to provide 24-hour newscasts. In my opinion, there are one of two ways to go about presenting news for 24 straight hours:

  1. Present relatively in-depth journalistic reporting in the vein of 20/20, Dateline, etc.
  2. Present tiny nuggets of news wrapping in layer upon layer of bullshit, flash, pomp, circumstance, and unnecessary analysts

Watching CNN is like watching a fucking Michael Bay film, except you replace the explosions and hot chicks with useless flashy graphics, maps, charts, and analysis that is either irrelevant or just doesn’t make any fucking sense at all. Case in point – after the end of the organized retardation that was the roll call vote at the DNC yesterday, CNN decide to have some cornball analyst predict what states Obama would need to win to take the general election:

Figure 1: Click here to see a video of this stupid fucking shit

The best part is how the anchor spent 20 awkward seconds explaining to Steve Hildebrand how to use the stupid fucking thing. We then proceed to have three and a half awkward minutes of this idiot making baseless assumptions about states Obama may or may not win to reach the magic electoral number. Thanks, CNN. That’s 210 seconds I could’ve spent masturbating.

Of course, at least this time the technology actually worked. Anybody remember the CNN pie chart clusterfuck from back in February during the Iowa caucus? For whatever reason, the producers at CNN decided to make Anderson “Stoneface” Cooper show a 3-D pie chart which was to be projected off a card he was holding. It failed MISERABLY.

Figure 2: Click here to see a video of this STUPID FUCKING SHIT

That’s right – Stoneface stands there pointing a card all up in your face like a cheating husband waving his cock around in the face of his mistress* while the “Best Political Team on Televsion” laughs awkwardly in the background and my precious time is wasted yet again. Of course, the pie fucking chart doesn’t add any value to the news cast. They could’ve just thrown it up on a regular screen. They could have used Excel. They could have even used a regular motherfucking pie. Of course, that would have violated CNN’s policy of…

And, of course, no self-respecting X-TREME NEWSCAST would have all these flashy useless graphics without a platoon of flashy useless idiots to man them and provide hour after hour of inaccurate predictions, forced analysis, and a heaping helping of unfounded ethos. That’s why we have The Best Political Team on Television:

Figure 3: Jesus fucking Christ…

Nothing screams ‘Gravitas’ quite like a bunch of over-the-hill political pseudo-analysts sitting behind a wall of laptop screens that, if you turn them around, probably have porn on them. Of course, this is the kind of thing that idiots find impressive and serves to distract the typical viewer that the Best Political Team on Televsion is ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERY MOTHERFUCKING THING.

You can check out this clip to get a little dose of everything – unnecessary maps and other flashy shit, as well as useless commentary by the wall of laptops.

The most annoying thing about CNN, though, isn’t CNN itself. Rather, it’s the people who think they’re intelligent because they watch CNN. I didn’t even realize these people existed until I went off on Derek Ashong awhile back and some ass hat made the comment: “hopefully if you are watching CNN you have stepped up the vocabulary a touch with your decision to go beyond the local news.”

Anyone that thinks watching CNN requires a single brain cell more than is required to watch the local news is a complete and utter fucking lunatic who needs to have his testicles mailed to the Prince of Siam. I will conclude this post with my reply to the gentleman (or lady) that asked me to step up my vocab:

“…After all that, this guy, unlike you, doesn’t have time every evening to beat off to the works of Immanuel Kant while congratulating himself on his extensive vocabulary and ability to comprehend the ‘worldy and sophisticated’ flavor of CNN (CNN is a network that once aired a 15-minute segment on a water surfing squirrel. If this is your idea of high minded, then I apologize for arguing with you – because doing so is like fishing with dynamite).”

You must have a master’s degree to comprehend this instance of in-depth CNN reporting.

* It’s not really like that at all