25 08 2008

Here are three simple facts that fuck up each and every day of my life:

  1. I am lactose intolerant
  2. Everything that tastes good has milk in it
  3. I have no self-control

For whatever reason, most black people are lactose intolerant. Lactose intolerance is a condition by which you can’t digest certain sugars found in dairy products, rendering your butthole a cannon of unrelenting stank within ten minutes of consuming any of the following delicious foods:

Milk, cheese, butter, ice cream, pizza, Guinness, white russians, cereal, cheesecake, pudding, chocolate, coffee creamer, sour cream (this curses everything from baked potatoes to fajitas), cream of wheat, creme brule, eclaires, custard donuts, and pussy.

Figure 1: Contains at least 40% lactose

Unfortunately, it’s hard to eat anything in an American diet that doesn’t have fucking milk in it, so black people all over the country have had to find a way to deal with the persistent threat of farting loudly and stinkily in public. This explains a lot of negro modes of dress and even physiology. Allow me to elaborate:

Unlike women, men generally enjoy farts. We also don’t like clenching our ass cheeks together* (the standard method of fart suppression) because racist jerks might think we’re preparing for a prison term. As such, we tend to just let the farts out. Unfortunately, unlike normal farts whose timing and force are under the control of the farter, milk farts are self-actualized. They come charging out of your ass when, where, and however hard they want. If you’re not going to clench your cheeks, then you have to find a way to keep the fart from getting to other people’s noses. This explains the popularity of baggy clothing among black men.

Figure 2: It does not, however, explain this shit.

Baggy pants create a neutral zone of air between the asshole and the air used by the general public that’s large enough to dissipate the power of the fart before it osmoses out of the pants. Since farts rise, large t-shirts draped over the buttocks provide a secondary buffer zone that all but eliminates the fart stank before it reaches the nose. A side effect of this is, of course, Stinky Britches.

As for the women, everyone knows that the trademark of the black woman is the big black booty. Where did this come from? It’s actually quite simple. Everyone, regardless of race, has had the experience of holding back a cataclysmic fart. It starts in your middle torso and hurts like a motherfucker, until it plows its way through your colon making for the sphincter (and making lots of awkward noises along the way). Once there, the fart literally lays siege to your asshole, hammering away at the opening like Grond breaking through the gates of Gondor.

Figure : This is exactly how it feels

Only the power of the woman’s cheek clench can repel the ass-ault. Since most black farts are milk farts and, therefore, require extreme effort to hold back, centuries of hardcore cheek clenching have caused natural selection to favor black women with big booties. Smaller bootied women are unable to clench their cheeks as hard, making it more likely for a milk fart (which is intolerably stinky) to escape mid-coitus and send potential mates running for the hills before insemination.

Some asshole at a university somewhere is going to read this blog and actually try to base a thesis on its theories. Jumping Jesus Christ…

* Unless you’re this guy