Self-Censorship

21 08 2008

I’m going to be calling out several of my own commenters with this post, but I don’t fucking care. If you go to the comments section of virtually any site that allows it (e.g. blogs, YouTube, Break.com, CNN.com, etc.), you will notice an inordinate number of comments like this:

“I don’t think Hillary had any business crying on television. It portrayed her as f*cking weak and set back the feminist movement by 30 years. Thanks, you f*cking c—”

or

“This guy approached me at a bookstore and had the nerve to ask for my number. What the fawk was he thinking? The shyt was just straight corny.”

Really? REALLY? Do you seriously fucking think that throwing an asterisk, or a hyphen, or spelling the word different somehow makes you better than people who actually swear? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!??!

Figure 1: Fucker.

The ludicrosity of censoring your typed swearing is surpassed only by the word ‘ludicrosity.’ Just think about the thought process involved:

“Ok, I’m pissed. I wanna swear, but that just wouldn’t be Christian. I’m a nice girl*, so how do I convey vulgarity without actually being vulgar. I know! I’ll disguise my swearing! If I don’t actually type the letters F U C K, then I won’t go to hell and everyone will still think I’m a nice person. Here we go! [types F $ # *]. Wow! I’m fucking awesome! Oops…I hope Jesus didn’t hear that!”

This kind of self-censorship is not unlike the “I’m not touching you” game. You put your finger as close as you can to someone’s face without actually touching them and, for good measure, you say “I’m not touching yoooooooou” in the most annoying voice you can muster. Inevitably, the person you’re not touching flips out and punches you in the scrotum. The offense you’re avoiding (touching someone) is far less annoying than coming incredibly close to doing it without actually doing it (“I’m not touching yooooooou”).

Figure 2: For the visual learner…

The next time you meet a self-censoring assfuck in person, please do at least one of the following:

1.) If it’s a girl and you’re a guy, pull out your penis. Chase her around the room yelling “I’m not raping yooooooooou!”

2.) If its’ one of your employees, grab a pink slip, wave it in her face, and say “I’m not firing yoooooooooou.”

3.) If it’s your girlfriend, make a videotape of you and her fucking, and blur out the genitalia. Show the tape to her family. When they flip out, say “what’s the problem? It’s censored!”

Figure 3: Same thing as ‘F*ck’

4.) Club her and eat her bones.

Please, if you want to curse, JUST FUCKING CURSE! Watch me: FUCK ASS SHIT DICK DOUCHE CUNT FART COCK DAMN HELL BUTTHOLE BALLS TWAT NUTSACK CUNNILINGUS GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCK SONOFA’BITCH MCCAIN.

See? It’s easy and it makes you feel better. But most importantly, it doesn’t make you look like a fucking pompous asshole who thinks that typing ‘SH!T’ is somehow less offensive than just typing ‘SHIT’. If you insist on self-censorship, then I hope with every fiber of my being that you are reincarnated as a gut maggot.

* It’s ALWAYS a fucking girl