13 08 2008

Porn, if you think about it, is perhaps one of the most ridiculous creations of all time. Women (and men) are paid to get naked in front of a camera so that people who will never ever meet them get to whack off to their likenesses.

The reason I have a problem with porn is that I’ve never understood men who get excited by the mere presence of attractive women. Wet T-Shirt contests, Coyote Ugly bars, ‘Lingerie’ parties, and cheerleaders have never made sense to me because what the hell is the point of looking if I can’t touch? That’s not to say that I won’t oggle a hot thong-bearing woman if she happens to pass by – but a club flyer advertising “FEMALE HOT OIL WRESTLING” is more likely to make me avoid the event than attend it. I digress.

Figure 1: Yes it’s hot…but so fucking what?

Porn magazines (Playboy, Hustler), and pseudo-porn magazines (Maxim, FHM) make the least sense to me because all the models are airbrushed to a perfection that could never exist naturally. Some guys argue that there is nothing wrong with choking it to the sight of a woman rendered physically flawless with Photoshop, to which I respond that they are effectively beating off to a cartoon character. I am then usually called a ‘fag’ and the discussion is pretty much over.

I didn’t realize exactly to what extent people are airbrushed, however, until I had the retina-searing experience of watching the worst type of porn in existence (home-made porn) starring one of my best friends and Jen from The Real World Denver (see the end of this post for the full story). If Jen were in a porn rag, her likeness would be very similar to the one here from the MTV website:

Figure 2: Jen from The Real World: Denver, roundly defiled by ‘Tom Harkin’

The girl pictured above is two things: 1.) fairly attractive, and 2.) a lie. The girl my buddy made sexy time with was definitely Jen, but to say she closely resembled the woman in the picture would be stretching the truth like a 280lb woman stretching a size 6.

Anyways, let’s move on from still-image porn to good old motion picture porn. Since we already know it sucks, I’m going to use the rest of this post to give you ways to enjoy it as best as can be expected.

The best way for the intellectual pornographeur to enjoy video porn is to examine the actresses for the physical flaws that kept them out of mainstream Hollywood or Indie films. The following is a list of some of the more common flaws* I’ve discovered:

  • Gigantic feet
  • Cock-eyedness
  • Huge Nose
  • Enormous, bulbous head
  • Bullet wounds, C-Section scars, visible drug needle marks
  • Botched boob job
  • Asymmetric booty
  • Toofusses

For those who aren’t familiar with porn, you should start out with the amateur stuff to cut your teeth because it’s very easy to spot the flaws. Once you’ve got a few callouts under your belt you can move up to the high class stuff with good production values and maybe even a semi-plausible storyline. Spotting flaws in mainstream porn actresses like Tera Patrick and Jenna Jamieson [sp?] is quite challenging but nonetheless possible.

Figure 3: Well, maybe not all that challenging.

You can increase the fun by getting a bunch of your friends together and making a drinking game out of the whole affair. Everytime someone spots a flaw that everyone agrees on, everybody takes a shot. You can also toss shots back when the following things happen:

  • Revelation of bizarre piercings (anal and scrotal are particularly unique)
  • One of the actors shouts out something ridiculous mid-coitus (e.g. “TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!!!”)
  • Actress fakes an orgasm
  • An ass gets smacked unusually hard
  • An insanely unattractive male actor shows up on screen (take another shot for every ten seconds you can look at him without blinking or vomiting)
  • A named sex act occurs (e.g. hot carl, dirty sanchez, jersey meat hook, angry dragon, sneaky indian, rusty trombone, dutch oven, etc.)

Drinking games aside, porn gives you some pretty depressing insight into the American male psyche. An inordinate number of us seem hell-bent on fucking teenagers and asians (and the coveted asian teenager), looking up the skirts of unsuspecting women, and banging chicks in their fifties. Do not even get me started on the Japanese shit – the rule over there seems to be “the more pain the woman is in, the better.” And the Germans. Dear sweet Lord let’s not even talk about the Germans.

Figure 4: Why the fuck is this supposed to be sexy?

And then, in a class all its own, is shit like Two Girls One Cup. Jumping Jesus Christ it’s only Wednesday and I already need a drink…

Aside: The Real World Sex Tape Story

A friend of mine (who has commented on earlier posts in the blog as ‘Tom Harkin’) somehow ran into Jen from The Real World: Denver at some dive bar in Alabama. Drunk off her ass, she pulls Tom Harkin aside and says “YOOOOUUU’RE HOT!” Somehow, they wind up in a motel room, and Tom Harkin says “I’m going to record us fucking, ok?” (he always has a camcorder in his car to document illegal things done to him by the cops when he gets pulled over).

Tom Harkin then proceeds to fuck the living bajeezus out of this girl for well over an hour. The grossness of the episode was mitigated somewhat by the hilarity of him keeping his glasses on the entire time, occasionally sticking his tongue out and nodding approvingly toward the camera, and, as the coup de gras, having Jen say “Signing Off” at the end of the video.

You may be asking “why the fuck did you watch that tape?” There are three reasons. First, I didn’t believe the motherfucker and I demanded proof. Second, we had to watch the whole tape in order to see Jen from enough angles to actually confirm that it was, indeed, Jen. Third, Tom Harkin barged into Shabooty’s condo and hooked up the camera to the TV before any of us could ask him what the fuck he was doing.

End Aside

* Interestingly, nearly all of these flaws apply to Angelina Jolie, and yet she isn’t in porn – not including all those times she openly admitted to celeb journalists that she just got done porking Billy-slob Thornton.