Condoms

6 08 2008

There is perhaps no bigger pain in the ass than getting your hands on condoms once you get out of college.

When you’re in college, condoms are free and everywhere (kinda the way white dudes view asian chicks). At UMCP, they used to have a little woven basket filled with a couple hundred of them, and the resident assistants would occasionally tape them to the message boards next to inane “safe sex” billboards*.

Once you’re out of college, however, you’ve only got two options: you can order them online, or you can get them from a pharmacy. Ordering them online is a pain in the ass because it requires foresight, shipping charges, and waiting. Ordering online also rarely happens because, unless a guy is in a relationship, he tends to ‘Forrest Gump’ his way into sex without any real warning. As a result, he’s forced to go to the pharmacy.

The embarrassment** of buying condoms at a pharmacy, in addition to the annoying lack of sensation (which is self-evident and will not be discussed here), is the reason that condoms are annoying.

There are exactly two places to buy condoms – pharmacies in the hood, and pharmacies that are not in the hood. If at all possible, you must avoid buying condoms in the hood. Condoms in the hood are typically kept under lock and key somewhere near the front of the store where there are the greatest number of people.

Figure 1: Goddammit…

In order to get the condoms, you either have to a.) ask for assistance directly, or b.) push a fucking button near the condom cage that makes a obscenely loud fucking noise, saying to everyone present:

“HEY! THIS MOTHERFUCKER THINKS [HE’S GONNA GET HIS DICK WET | SHE’S GONNA GET HER GIBLETS ROASTED]!!!! EVERYBODY STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING AND EYEBALL [HIM | HER] KNOWINGLY!!!!!”

Buying condoms outside the hood is a little easier. The condoms are not kept under lock and key, but they are in a location that’s just as bad as the front of the store – namely, they’re at the back of the store where the pharmacy counter is, and there are usually just as many people here as there are in the cashier’s line. The best time to go get your condoms here is in the middle of the morning, around 9am – 10am. This puts you in the store after all the old people who show up at the butt-crack of dawn to get their psoriasis and diabeetus medication, and before the nine-to-fivers who rush in at lunch time to refill their Zoloft prescriptions so they can deal with their TPS Reports and eight different bosses for another couple of weeks.

Figure 2: 9 out of 10 black men would have sex with this Aryan cartoon model

Even if you get spotted, though, it’s not that big a deal. After all, you may be picking up condoms, but a person who’s there for prescription strength topical cream for her uncontrollable warts can’t exactly talk shit. As for the pharmacists themselves, they’re happy to see you buying condoms since you’re one less person who’ll be coming in trying to find a delicate way to say “I’d like the morning after pill, please.”

Regardless of where you buy condoms, you are bound to be spotted – so there are a number of ways to deflect the attention:

1.) Buy a shitload of condoms. Get a small basket and buy 20 fucking boxes (the big ones) so it looks like you’re stocking up for a health center, dorm, hospital, or porn shop. It may cost you hundreds of dollars, but no one will believe you’re buying all those for yourself, and it’ll be years before you have to buy condoms again.

Figure 3: Tell them you’re working on a collage, or sculpture

2.) Get on the phone. Call a good friend and chatter away the whole entire time. This may draw more attention to you, but at least you’ll be mostly oblivious to it since you’re engaged in conversation. It’ll also keep you from having to look the cashier in the eye when you finally make it to the register.

3.) Buy an equal number of similar items. Balloons and latex gloves are good choices. If you buy all these items together, it’ll look like you’re planning to use the condoms for something other than sex – like a huge (but decidedly bizarre) waterballoon fight. This strategy could easily backfire, though, as highly freaky people would have no problem finding sexual applications for balloons and latex gloves.

Good luck, and good hunting.

* I refused to ever take any of these condoms out of fear that some sick bastard was running around the dorms poking invisible holes in them with beading needles.

** I’m not really sure why I find this embarrassing, because I am not a prude in any sense of the term. In fact, until I was a teenager and received my ‘adult name’, my Algonquin name translated to ‘Naked Boy’ because of my predisposition to running around the house mostly or completely nude – a predisposition that persists to this day, much to the chagrin of those unfortunate souls that can see me through my balcony window.

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646 responses

6 08 2008
Tasha

I just separated and bought my first box of condoms in years. When the loud cranking noise began, I wanted to run out of the store.

6 08 2008
Knatural

I hated them, too. That’s why I got married.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Oh. If you just buy condoms at the grocery store, you avoid the lock-and-key crap.
Trust me, it’s way more awkward for girls to purchase them. Everyone thinks you’re a dirty whore.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

*sigh* this reminds me of the first time me and the ex-ex-boyfriend first bought condoms. It was a very weird experience because he refused to actually touch them. He paid for them and everything, but I had to get the box, set it down on the counter and pick it up afterward all while he shifted around nervously like someone he knew was gonna see him. Even though we were in a completely different part of town where it was extremely unlikely that anyone would see him.

I hate condoms though. They smell weird and you can always tell the difference between condom sex funk and regular sex funk. Condom sex funk makes me think of how a tire factory might smell.

6 08 2008
Omar

“1.) Buy a shitload of condoms. Get a small basket and buy 20 fucking boxes (the big ones) so it looks like you’re stocking up for a health center, dorm, hospital, or porn shop. It may cost you hundreds of dollars, but no one will believe you’re buying all those for yourself, and it’ll be years before you have to buy condoms again.”

This can easily backfire into the House Party scene when Kid breaks oput the rusty condom.

6 08 2008
Omar

“I hate condoms though. They smell weird and you can always tell the difference between condom sex funk and regular sex funk. Condom sex funk makes me think of how a tire factory might smell.”

Gives whole new meaning to “burnin’ rubber”…

6 08 2008
Reese

i think its hillarious how the girl at the coutner always gives me the side eye when im getting like 3 boxes of 36 condoms i mean shit at least im not in here with the screaming ass kid…im just saying…

6 08 2008
Saun

There is no shame in buy condoms. I think it actually says “yeah I’m getting some but I’m also a responsible-ass adult that isn’t trying to spread or catch anything because I love myself (and maybe even my partner) enough to put one on”.

As for the lack of sensation (it’s not just men… condoms are like an internal carpet burn) it’s the price you pay for sex with someone that you don’t trust enough to have children with or believe may or may not have a disease.

6 08 2008
Defiant

I break those fucking things all the time it sucks especially if I’m sleeping with some run around of a chick, which has been known to happen. The end result of all this is me freaking out for a good 3-6 months until I get my full clean bill of health and then start the cycle all over again.

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“I’m not really sure why I find this embarrassing, because I am not a prude in any sense of the term. In fact, until I was a teenager and received my ‘adult name’, my Algonquin name translated to ‘Naked Boy’ because of my predisposition to running around the house mostly or completely nude – a predisposition that persists to this day, much to the chagrin of those unfortunate souls that can see me through my balcony window.”

Ha… my morning just got better.

I remember those his and hers baskets that they would randomly give out on campus with a selection of “goods” in it, or better yet the care packages left in our dorm mailboxes by our RA’s during exam week which included:
-can of soda (caffeinated)
-microwave popcorn
-cookies
-mini colouring book and crayons (I kid you not…)
-condoms

6 08 2008
Jay_Everyday

I think every man hates buying/wearing condoms. There’s the lack of sensation which may make you last a little longer or make your dick bored and flaccid. By a woman, I’ve been told it’s like “having sex with a flashlight.” I’m gonna assume that’s not a good thing.

6 08 2008
Deviant

@Saun

its not because of lack of trust or fear I may get burned..I just don’t wanna have kids.

6 08 2008
Sandybaby

I remember the free condoms at the Health Center at UMCP!!! Everyone knew about those! LOL

Go Terps!

Also – you can get a bulk pack of condoms at Costco. I think like 40 come in the package. Buying in bulk is the best.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Aw Bajan Girl. My school made our parents pay for that kind of thing. We got:

Candy: M&Ms and skittles, Starburst and an assortment of candy bars
Peanuts
crackers
Cheezits
Jax (for some odd reason…I don’t even know how to play Jax)
Various types of chips
Pencils, pens
a card from the parent
and condoms

6 08 2008
Knatural

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHA burnin’ rubber FOR REAL!

I hate the smell of latex. Gross. It’s so…medicinal. And flavored condoms are worse! Oh well. During drunk sex you hardly notice.

“Naked boy”? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA… we have the same, um, problem? I hate being clothed in my own home. It’s so uncomfortable.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

OMG Flavored condoms are NASTY. For future reference males: never by these. No woman on this planet thinks they taste good.

And I think a lot of people have Chris’s um…”problem”. Now that I have my own place I’m free as a bird; except for a bra, which unfortunately for me, is somewhat of a necessity.

6 08 2008
Saun

@Deviant

That is very true. It’s not just about trust. Just not wanting to have children is another reason.

6 08 2008
blackberry molasses

ahhh how i remember my RA days and making those safe sex bulletin boards… and one year i caught some sick bastard poking holes in the packages… i managed to get is his ass sent to the JA for that one

6 08 2008
Amadeo

I work at a community center so I get first dibs on the condoms…I remember when we had the health department come and do presentations…ahh selections. However, we don’t get the ones that I prefer…so I still have to buy some and use the others as just in case. It may be akward but when I the cashier looks at me I’m staring right back into their eyes like: “What, say something.” In fact I like when it’s a female cashier that tries to be subtly smartassed. Arrogance trumps embarrassment.

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

@TH.. they made your parents pay.. wow.. and Jax!?!?! seriously? do people still play that?

Gives whole new meaning to “burnin’ rubber”…
*dead*

I can tell this is going to be an unproductive day for me…

6 08 2008
blackberry molasses

also, one of the perks of being an RA was the unlimited supply of condoms for my personal stock… i just had to hide the box when my parents came to visit.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Hell yes they made my mom pay. I go to a public university. 🙂

6 08 2008
Knatural

Oh. And dudes that insist on showing off and purchasing the infamous gold and black wrapped Magnums, please stop. Most of y’all don’t need them.
Picture a 10 yr old wearing his daddy’s suit…

6 08 2008
Elaine

About number 1…Don’t condoms have an expiry date?

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

LOL Knat. That is the truth, seriously. I always see dudes buying Magnums and I’m like, come on now…do you really need those?

6 08 2008
Cheekie

@ Bajan Girl – “mini colouring book and crayons (I kid you not… ”

AHAHAHAHA! So, was that for ya’ll to do after sex if you didn’t smoke?

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

That’s just not right TH.. not right at all

Co-signing on the clothing conundrum… it is one of the things I enjoy most about living alone… however since I live on the first floor and some of my windows face the street I have invested in blinds and curtains…

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

I had no idea Cheekie… but that is possible.. or to maybe get people to unwind before hand.. who knows what they had in mind

6 08 2008
Sugar

You think buying condom’s are bad? Try buying a pregnancy test. All the old people look at you like you’re a dirty whore.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Ooo, Bajan Girl, I do like to warm up with some…coloring. Filling in those cool, empty pages with a hard, warm crayon fresh from the box.

Perhaps color out of the lines a bit, if you’re naughty.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

I guess buying condoms for guy is like buying tampons/pads for girls. I laugh cause I used to be like Mission Impossible trying to sneak a box of OB’s to the front and high tail it out of there.

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“I do like to warm up with some…coloring. Filling in those cool, empty pages with a hard, warm crayon fresh from the box.

Perhaps color out of the lines a bit, if you’re naughty.”

LMAO.. that’s funny…

6 08 2008
www.anythingblack.net

condoms are the shitttt

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

@ Sugar, SHUT UP!!!! My finace and I are trying to get pregnant and we went to the store to buy a pregnancy test. OH MY GOD the looks were atrocious

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I loudly and proudly buy my feminine hygiene products. I crinkle those packages like presents on Christmas morning. And people always look at me funny like I should be ashamed. I will not be ashamed of having a period and needing items for my feminine hygiene.

6 08 2008
Knatural

AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAH @ Sugar.
Most embarrassing purchases for women: Pregnancy tests, yeast infection medicine, tampons, or lubricant.
For men: condoms and prostitutes.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

lol Jeresmom, at least you have a man with you. I’ve gone on three separate occasions to get pregnancy tests by myself and got seriously fucked up looks from all kinds of people…I thought I would die on the spot with all the daggers boring into my back.

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

DEAD @ Figure 2!!!!!!!

My mom once snuck about twenty condoms in my suitcase when I was flying back to school after Winter Break. Of course I had left my drivers license in the suitcase and had to open it at the airport and an explosion of multi-colored condoms pops out like confetti.

I don’t usually get embarassed buying condoms from drugstores. I was proud the first time, like “Yeah, and what? I’m grrrrrrrown!”. I DO get embarassed at 7-11s or gas stations when it’s like 3 AM and I’m drunk. It’s always Muslim people working there and they be stoning me with their eyes.

6 08 2008
Muse

Ha, funny topic. I purchased my first pack of condoms when I was 20 (Don’t laugh, I lost my virginity late in life LOL). I was so scared because I thought I would run into someone I know and they would think I was a whore.

Call me ignorant but why do people make such a big deal about wearing condoms? Sex feels the same raw or without condoms right? Maybe I’m speaking from a place of ignorance because I’ve never had sex without condoms. The thought of doing so scares the crap out of me.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Sex feels the same raw or without condoms right?

No.

6 08 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Sex feels the same raw or without condoms right?”

I fell out of my chair and spit Nestea all over the fucking place. Thanks.

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

Muse- I hear that it feels very different, but I am with you in the “Responsible” club. Everyone I know who has had the ‘raw deal’ says it is virtually impossible to go back. That is insane, but I figure I can’t miss what I never had. I’m waiting until I get married to have unprotected sex. Unless I am okay with the possibility of us having a baby, we don’t need to have raw sex. And I do not have babies out of wedlock (just a matter of personal choice). And while husbands DO cheat, I feel that I am cutting down the risk of getting the HIV greatly by saving that privilege for one man.

Stuff Black People Hate: Condoms…..that seems to be sadly true. That’s why are people are all AIDS-y and shit.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

Yup, that yeast infection medicine is the worst though. Not only are you a dirty whore, you’re a dirty dirty whore. Not a good look.

6 08 2008
Shavonne Nicole

LOL @ AIDS-y!

6 08 2008
Haze

I hate wearing them, but I like buying them. It let’s people know I’m fucking, and have low standards based on how much I visit my local drug store. I have low fucking standards. Female? check. Pulse? check. It’s go time.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

HAHAHHAA@yeast infection medication. That is soooooo embarassing to buy, I have only bought it once and I did so at the hospital pharmacy when my mom was getting a prescription. It was the longest walk to a register I have ever experienced.

6 08 2008
former lurker

“By a woman, I’ve been told it’s like “having sex with a flashlight.” I’m gonna assume that’s not a good thing.”
someone please explain…having sex with a condom definitely feels different than raw dogging, but i wouldn’t compare it to having sex with a flashlight. but maybe thats just me.

@Muse: sex DOES NOT, I REPEAT DOES NOT feel the same raw (for a male or female) as it does with condoms. but, like someone said, gotta give it up to the latex gods for keeping the babies and diseases away.

6 08 2008
Bailey Blues

Funny post! I actually have no problem with purchasing condoms, feminine products, or pregnancy tests (never had to do this for myself…thank God!)…But, the first time I had to buy condoms, I was hella embarrassed and I was getting Magnums (but he needed them ;)) The dude at the front looked at me like, “This chick gets it in!” But after that time, I haven’t cared much…at least I’m safe.

6 08 2008
Cheekie

“I’m waiting until I get married to have unprotected sex. Unless I am okay with the possibility of us having a baby, we don’t need to have raw sex. ”

Damn, this is cosmic because I was JUST having this conversation with Mama yesterday about a woman we both know who’s having problems with her baby daddy and his responsibilities (to her as for as commitment and to his baby…as far as commitment). And last night, I officially committed to this idea. I mean, I threw it around before lightheartedly, but man, this shit is official now. Ain’t no way I’m going through that mess. NONE.

6 08 2008
Bailey Blues

LMAO @ AIDS-y!

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Hmph, when I buy my rubbers, I throw them on the conveyer belt and look at the cashier like, “now what?” with a look of confident, condescending arrogance, cause, well, I am the king.

However, I remember a few years back when I was moving out the house and helping my parents move, my mom was in the room when my brother and I were moving my dresser. A box of condoms I had fell out the drawer and if you’ve never seen a black person turn red, you should’ve seen me that day.

My mom just looked in shock. She didn’t say anything, but she must’ve put a hoodoo spell on me because I had quite a dry spell after that.

BTW, I like the ultra-thins from Trojan.

6 08 2008
former lurker

oh and btw, i think trojan gotta lotta mens ego super inflated. cuz i’ve seen those “magnum” condoms “fit” on not so magnum wangs….

6 08 2008
Jo

“It’s go time.”

DEAD.

6 08 2008
Bailey Blues

Sidebar: ST – I haven’t seen you since I’ve been back…we gotta get up! Gym?

6 08 2008
Knatural

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA @ AIDS-y (not funny) and dirty dirty whore.

Waiting ’til marriage for UPS, great idea. It’ll be amazing – AMAZING. Even the thinnest condoms can’t duplicate the sensation. *shudders*

YI medicine – so embarrassing, but, oh well. Stay away from Jacuzzis and minimize the bubble baths, eat more yogurt, drink more beer?

6 08 2008
Muse

Sorry I meant to say sex feels the same raw or with condoms….

But seriously I’ve only had sex with condoms and it still feels good. I really don’t see how it would be any different raw. No wonder folks have all sorts of STDs and pregger scares. The idea of letting some man who isn’t my husband cum inside of me makes me sick to my stomach. Those of you who aren’t married, why take the risk of having raw sex?

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

Sex with condoms- Can be phenomenal

Sex withOUT condoms- To die for, apparently (pun intended)

Bailey- I miss you! Check your email.

6 08 2008
Cheekie

“Waiting ’til marriage for UPS, great idea. It’ll be amazing – AMAZING. ”

Excited as hell for this moment. Not only will it feel better, but the pure “intimacy” of two people in love…connected. DAMN. It will be bliss. Or as New York said on Flavor of Love…blist.

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“Yup, that yeast infection medicine is the worst though. Not only are you a dirty whore, you’re a dirty dirty whore. Not a good look.”

Pretty much… and it is always little old ladies who give you the evil eye…

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I read somewhere that condoms are all pretty much the same size and can accommodate any size penis regardless, especially if the penis is lubricated before you put on the condom. The magnums are a bit bigger girth-wise, but length-wise, almost all condoms are the same.

It’s like vanity sizing…for penises.

But I could be dead wrong so seriously do not quote me. I read it or saw it somewhere and this guy demonstrated on a banana using a Magnum and a “regular” condom and both were exactly the same. They make smaller condoms though for guys with baby dicks.

6 08 2008
Muse

ST I’m happy that I’m not the only one who feels that way. I’m so against having children out of wedlock. I feel that kids should be raised in a loving enviroment where both parents are married. Besides I do believe childrren grow up to be more well rounded when the father and the mother are together and working as a team. Besides the last thing I need is some random man sperm residue all in my vaginal parts. YUCK.

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

“Besides the last thing I need is some random man sperm residue all in my vaginal parts. YUCK.”

Must.resist.random.facial and/or swallowing joke/comeback…

*breathes* woosah-woosah

6 08 2008
Muse

Since I can’t give my husband my virginity I guess he can have the honor of being the first one to skeet in my uterus. LMAO

6 08 2008
Amadeo

It feels “Hella Different”. The only thing that is actually worse then the feeling of a condom is the feeling of a Female Condom…I’m not sure how many of you have used one…but it’s not for a random encounter and it must be similar to having sex with a blow up doll.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Muse, I was always on birth control while with a guy I was having bare back sex with. Always. And never missed a pill. And I only let them cum in me a total of three times. All three times we got the emergency contraception, just in case. I DO NOT want babies right now.

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“It’s like vanity sizing…for penises.”
*dead*

I am with Muse and ST on this. As my granny would say, if he wants the milk he had better be prepared to buy the whole cow” I have no plans of popping any small beings out until after I am married.

6 08 2008
Merb

I’m one of those prudes that is waiting until marriage to have any sex. But best believe it will be unprotected sex.

6 08 2008
Knatural

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAH I HATE YOU CHEEKIE
Blist. Pure blist.
TomatoHead, you’re right. Length is always the same.
On a serious note (ahem): Sex is great when intimate, it’s all mental, so a condom doesn’t necessarily effect sensation if the couple screwing mentally and spiritually connect. And if he’s hitting it properly. 😀

6 08 2008
Muse

Rev I don’t think cum shots to the face count.

; )

6 08 2008
Muse

Tomato birthcontrol or not I’m still not letting some man skeet inside of me.

Ladies how do you deal with clean up when you have a bunch of nut leaking out of your vagina?

6 08 2008
Knatural

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH….Since I can’t give my husband my virginity I guess he can have the honor of being the first one to skeet in my uterus.

STOP. Go to Africa and eat camel burgers already.

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

MESSAGE

Birth control pills, IUDs, diaphragms, patches and shots DO NOT PROTECT YOU FROM STDs/STIs! You never know if your partner has been irresponsible in the past or if they ever lived in Washington, DC.

WRAP IT UP.

6 08 2008
Bailey Blues

I’m with Muse and Sister Toldja on this one…I don’t know about the raw dog…husband will be the first…

6 08 2008
Muse

Relax i’m leaving in a few hours Geez…You will miss my witty commentary Knat…

6 08 2008
Knatural

ST – or Baltimore.

6 08 2008
Cheekie

So, how long before the sex topic gradually turns over to…well…sex? 😉

6 08 2008
Muse

ST and the other ladies, do you make your partners get tested before having sex? My friends have told me that will turn guys off but I’ve always insisted that I see STD and HIV test results with the exception of one time.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I hate the term STI and I have no idea why. Maybe it’s because they were always called STDs when I was growing up and STI sounds stupid coming out of the mouth. Although some really are infections and not diseases.

The two guys who I’ve had the raw sex with were athletes at my schools so they always had regular STD check-ups and all that. I also insisted upon seeing the actual documentation that said they tested negative for all the various things. I guess I was a bit of a Nazi about it, but hey…my personal health is important.

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“Birth control pills, IUDs, diaphragms, patches and shots DO NOT PROTECT YOU FROM STDs/STIs! You never know if your partner has been irresponsible in the past or if they ever lived in Washington, DC.”

So true Sista Toldja… I know far too many women and young ladies who have ended up with STD’s because they do not comprehend the fact that birth control pills only prevent pregnancies (and even that is not 100%)

There is nothing wrong with waiting until marriage, but even then both parties should still get a full medical work up done because in this day and age you never know.

6 08 2008
Muse

Tomato you live on the edge. You raw dogged it with college Athletes? Yeah I’m so cool even with STD results…

6 08 2008
sarah

this post is hilarious!

i agree, talking on the cell phone is a great distraction. also, i buy the pregnancy test and condoms at the same time. this confuses the cashier to no end.

Muse – ever since Black in America, the whole testing conversation with men has gone a lot smoother.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I never did it with guys who I used condoms with but I always casually asked if they had ever gotten cold sores (HERPS!!!!)

6 08 2008
Amadeo

@ Knat…thanks for throwing Bmore under the bus.

6 08 2008
The Sky Is My Limit

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA…THIS IS TOO HILARIOUS BECAUSE IT IS THE TRUTH

6 08 2008
Muse

Typically routine STD test only check for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and hepatitis. You have to make a special request for any other STDs like Herpes and HIV.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

Personally, I am so paranoid when it comes to babies out of wedlock (the paternal will have a stroke) or an STD that I am wayyyyy more comfortable having sex with a condom… Sex with a condom feels better to me… It’s all mental I guess…

I am even thinking of including STDs testing every 6 months in my prenup…

6 08 2008
ladebelle

hmm… might need to move across from you so i can see through your balcony ***wink wink*** lol… jk

yeah, i used to agree with you that this is the most embarrassing but i think that buying lube might actually be a lil more awkward and annoying…

plus, if you go to a gay bar, all these things are free and sitting out like they were in college…

@muse, hmm… that’s kind of a complicated q/a… if it’s a one-nighter, then i’m probably too drunk to think about it, or at least in my more risque days… now? i only have one partner and we did eventually get tested…

6 08 2008
former lurker

“Ladies how do you deal with clean up when you have a bunch of nut leaking out of your vagina?”

have a towel or some paper towels next to the bed. the post sex shower is a must

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

@ Muse, Man I mean if I ask for a STD check, why do I have to specifically have to ask for every single thing I want checked. Just check for everything

6 08 2008
Shavonne Nicole

I mean, why we have to bring Bmore into this?…. Damned diseased city…

6 08 2008
Knatural

Sorry Amadeo – folks always bad-mouthing (truth telling) my city, I had to do something.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I get STD tests every time I go to the gynecologist along with HIV and Herps tests. Even though it’s pretty obvious I don’t have anything (as I have sadly been celibate the last 4 months…)

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

Testing is essential and if either partner refuses to get tested for anything KICK THEIR NASTY ASS TO THE CURB AND RUN!!!

I know of a situation where a couple was getting married and the groom to be refused to have a medical check up and testing done and the bride to be said ok!!! WTFF!!! No no no no HELL F*CKING NO!!!!! Not ok!!! She now has an STD.

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Wait…so am I the only one that has experienced the female condom?

Damn Non-profit career.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Muse: There really isn’t that much that goes in there and it mostly mixes with your um…happy liquid, so it’s about as messy as sex with a condom if you are a particularly lubricated woman.

I do not believe in post-coital showering.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Um. You can be celibate and one day turn up with Chlymidia, like 8 yrs later. Don’t you watch Sex and The City or any network hospital drama?

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Ah, so glad I’m not the only one who also randomly strolls around the house naked. At least I live on the 14th floor now, but I still should probably think about closing the blinds and turning down the lights every once in a while…

6 08 2008
shabooty

dude – it’s simple a) order a free sample one from trojan.com [if you rarely get laid[ or
b) go to GIANT , grab a box of condoms, quietly rush to the SELF CHECKOUT LINE.
boom. you’re gone in 3 minutes. This is where one would also grab some KY Warming liquid, too, in case of cramming a cold-fish heffer or cougar who can’t self lubricate.

$

6 08 2008
Cheekie

Bajan Girl – “There is nothing wrong with waiting until marriage, but even then both parties should still get a full medical work up done because in this day and age you never know.”

True dat! Marriage certainly ain’t protection against STDs. Please believe if/when I do go down that aisle, the aisle will lead to a clinic for us to get tested.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I’ve never even seen a female condom in real life. Do they actually sell those in stores?

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

former lurker (15:45:40) : “Ladies how do you deal with clean up when you have a bunch of nut leaking out of your vagina?”
have a towel or some paper towels next to the bed. the post sex shower is a must

Um, or you could just fall lay in it and fall asleep, LOL. What’s the big D about love juices?

6 08 2008
Knatural

No post-coital shower? What about “the blue rag”? Something.

6 08 2008
former lurker

i always assumed the female condom would have been more pleasureable for both parties, guess i was wrong. thanks amadeo.

anyone ever tried any non-latex condoms? polyurethane i think…supposed to be thinner, gives the man more sensation.

6 08 2008

Condoms feel like wet garbage bags. I hate them. When my man and I had to use them we had to buy magnum’s so when I bought them the cashier’s would always give me the stink eye. I’d buy them at wal-mart when I was shopping for A LOT of things. It never helped the embarrassment though.

6 08 2008
sarah

former lurker, i hear the non-latex condoms are like having sex using a trash bag.

6 08 2008
Amadeo

@ TomatoHead

Not sure…cause of my job I get access to alot of stuff. I tried them like twice. Too much work for use outside of a relationship and they suck.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

What is a “blue-rag”?

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Knat – I mean a woman should always go to the bathroom and try to urinate afterwards and then do a quick wet-wipedown. But I don’t find a whole shower necessary…especially if it’s only round one, lol.

6 08 2008
Muse

If a guy knows how to eat some good vagina, everything else is a bonus. Which brings me back to why it is sooooooo important to get tested. Condoms don’t protect against herpes. Can you imagine waking up with a painful blister on your privates? I can totally see Chris passing out from shock if he woke up one morning with a rash and blisters all over her manhood. LOL.

6 08 2008

I too walk arond comando. When I walk in the house (no shit) I get so damn hot and I feel so restricted. I usually wear my undies and a tank until around 9

6 08 2008
Muse

Doc if a man is skeeting inside of your vagina and you don’t clean it up, won’t there be a gross smell in the morning?

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

LOL. No Muse. There will not be a gross smell…where did you hear that?

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Polyurethane sucked. Female condoms suck. Trojan Ultra-thins…maybe ribbed, maybe not.

Oh and No nonoxynol-9 (or however it’s spelled). I know too many women that are allergic to it.

Raw sex will make you consider marriage.

6 08 2008

I dont feel like a shower is necessary either. I clean up afterwards and since there will be more in the morning I shower then.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

Now that I am trying to get pregnant, I don’t urinate nor shower after sex. I actually have read that you are supposed to remain lying flat for 20 mins. My Dr. reccomend going to the bathroom after sex to prevent UITs which I get on a regular basis.

6 08 2008

amadeo so there is a BIG difference when using a condom to you guys?

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

I do not believe in post-coital showering.

TomatoHead for president! 🙂

6 08 2008
sarah

you should definitely pee after sex.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

@Amadeo… That’s true, I am one of those allergic to nonoxynol-9…

I roll with Durex… Always got a box in my night drawer… (and plenty of stories of the mother finding it, amongst other things…)

6 08 2008
Angry IV

Because of monogamy and the pill, I have not bought condoms since like, September or October. Raw = the best. Raw internal skeet? HEYOO!

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Muse is too cute! No gross smell. You may have a little discharge overnight, but the shower wouldn’t prevent that anyway (unless you manage to wash all up in your birth canal in your daily shower)

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

@Ne

I walk in and start stripping… might be genetic because my mom does the same thing as do my older sisters… boy shorts and tank till bed time then sleep in sheets…

6 08 2008
Angry IV

@Ms. Sulsa – however because of recent pill mishaps, we had to actually use condoms recently, I forgot…I think the lady in allergic to nonoxynol-9 as well, but she’s been having discomfort for some time now. How long should the discomfort last, and whats the best treatment?

6 08 2008
Tea

thank god for the self check out lines! I look 16, which makes purchasing condoms and pregnancy tests that much worse.

Showering after sex is a must. All of that wetness feels gross and a paper towel or towel doesn’t really help. As a matter of fact I’ve never been skeeter in, but still…

6 08 2008
former lurker

@Ne- a guy once described (or tried to described) the difference in condom sex vs. raw sex with the following scenario:

touch a wall (you know, the cinderblock kind thats in dorms, with the little crevices and what not) with your bare hand. you can feel every nook and cranny, all the details of the wall, temperature, etc.

now put a glove on. you can still feel the wall, you can tell it’s a hard surface, but thats about it. can’t feel those same intricate details that you could with your bare hands.

kind of a weird analogy, but it works.

6 08 2008
Amadeo

@ Ne’

HELLS YEAH. Wearing on is like a friend giving you a hug…not wearing one is like your best friend who was kidnapped and thought dead 5 years ago giving you a hug.

The first is good.

The second you don’t want to let go. The Warmth…the moistness…Nir-fucking-vana.

Mind you using a condom is not horrible…but you can’t help but think about what you’re not feeling.

6 08 2008
Muse

What if a guy drops a huge load inside of you? Doens’t all that leakage get in the way of good sleep. Heheh I feel like a little kid asking these question. I never had to deal with semen residue in my vagina.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

*UTI

6 08 2008
Tea

Skeeted in*

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

I might be wrong but I believe that the latest latex versions of the female condom haven’t been FDA approved yet, but the other ones (nitrile) definitely are available. A lot of places probably don’t carry them just because there isn’t high demand.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Muse, if you get to the point in a relationship with a guy where you are cool with him dropping a huge load inside of you, you should be comfortable with the leakage.

6 08 2008
Laurel

I’m a prude. Post-sex cleanup is a big must for me.
Condoms are evil. I’ll always despise my first boyfriend who was too damned chicken to get them himself and always had me doing the dirty work buying those things and getting dirty stares from drugstore clerks.

6 08 2008
Vanita

LMAO!! I miss Temple U.! they gave out free birth control and morning after pills (not that I needed them, but it was good to know). And they gave out free magnums! I dont mind buying condoms, but if i were a guy would just buy them at costco or sams, since your gonna be buyin alot of shit anyway. It blends right in.

6 08 2008
Angry IV

Also – that leakage usually leaks immediately, not in the middle of the night. Unless you’ve got one of those reservoir pussies that stores it for later like a spider or some shit.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

@ Muse, not it’s not like a period type of discharge, it’s very minimal. And if he does it right, you should go right to sleep and never notice any discharge at all

6 08 2008
B4Prez

I thought every1 walked around the house naked. Esp on the weekends, and at bedtime, and after a shower, and…nevermind.

Condoms really suck. Its true; I don’t care how any1 tries to swing it.

As for the female condom, I think Amadeo is on his own. Putting clips behind pelvic bones is too much.

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

What if a guy drops a huge load inside of you? Doens’t all that leakage get in the way of good sleep. Heheh I feel like a little kid asking these question. I never had to deal with semen residue in my vagina.

If the sex was that good, I’m passed the fuck out, nothing is getting in the way of sleep, LOL. And really, even a “relatively huge” load isn’t like gallons of spunk dripping out all night, LOL.

6 08 2008
SUPREME

Trojan Ultra-Thins (teal package) are good.. They’re not so thick that you don’t feel anything, but the only drawback is that they fit really tight… 😦

6 08 2008
B4Prez

Let me find out Doc is a freak, lol.

Sex w/ a condom is like taking a shower in a wetsuit.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

Spelman gave free birth control pill too along with Folic Acid vitamins and condoms which I thought was oxymoronic of them

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Has anyone tried that KY warming gel?

6 08 2008
Vanita

@ tomatohead – DONT DO IT!!! that shit BURNS!!!

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

KY warming is whack

6 08 2008
JG*

I can’t even make it through all of these comments. LOL I’m dying laughing. I’ll do a quick co-sign… Sadly I am not in the responsible club (but i’m clean with no kids!) And I have to say sex without condoms is like… drinking a really cold sprite on an extremely hot day. That first sip is just ridiculous.

LOL but the Yeast Infection meds… that’s the worst! Or when you buy like any Summer’s Eve product.

*goes back to reading the comments*

6 08 2008
former lurker

“Unless you’ve got one of those reservoir pussies that stores it for later like a spider or some shit.”

LMAO
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA

6 08 2008
Vanita

a couple of years ago they have a warming lube. NEVER EVER again. I dont need all those bells and whistle. Just keep it wet, thanks.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

and mixed with a condom that KY and latex smell HORRIBLE

6 08 2008
former lurker

@ Vanita: i’m assuming you mean it burns in a bad way?
damn, i thought i was gonna have fun with that new his and hers stuff

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Dang, at least I know i’m not the only one who likes to walk around my house (well, my room) butt-ass nekkid.

Cooking bacon naked isn’t a smart thing to do though…

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

LOL. Alright, no warming lube for me then

6 08 2008
JG*

Oh but to clarify on my last post… I am a user of condoms of course. But I’m in a monogamous relationship right now (or so I think LOL. Just keepin it real) and we ditched ’em after getting tested together.

6 08 2008
SUPREME

Does anyone know if they have condoms in different widths? Regular condoms are too tight, but Magnums are ridiculous….

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

Muse- No, I don’t. Which is bad, but unless they start having drive-thru STD tests outside of bars, clubs and house parties, I’m not sure how I could swing that every time….I kid, I kid.

Getting tested together is definitely smart when you are in a relationship with someone. But at the same time, if he or you have sex with someone else that day, the test is null and void. Which brings me back to my “no unprotected sex” rule.

6 08 2008
Vanita

@ former lurker – yes in a bad way. I didnt like the cooling gel either. But my girl is pretty sensitive anyway. I know my boyfriend didnt like it either.

6 08 2008
former lurker

when i was younger, bout 10, i was using my parents bathroom cuz my sister was taking forever in ours. so naturally, i’m in there doing the do, so i pick up things to read….i pick up a tube of ky jelly….never looked at my parents the same again

6 08 2008
Vanita

i LOVE LOVE LOVE to walk around naked. I feel so free.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Cooking, period, is not a good idea while naked.

6 08 2008
Vanita

* in the house…

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

The warming liquid didn’t burn to me, just smelled bad and really served no purpose

6 08 2008
former lurker

sleeping nekkid is a must. especially in the summer

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

cosign w/former lurker, clothes are banned in my bed

6 08 2008
Vanita

I dont do clothes except when aunt dot is in town, and then I only do shorts.

6 08 2008
JG*

Clothes suck. And my balcony is high enough that you’d have to have super vision or be in one of the hotels downtown that have the telescope things.

But wow! Sex with no condom, on the balcony with the city view! Whew!! LOL And he can pull out and skeet over the balcony! LOL

Re: Warming Lube.. THE WORST!

6 08 2008
Ethel

Condoms are no fun compared to raw but an unfortunate necessity in this day and age, especially if other forms of birth control don’t really work for you. [For me, The Pill = 200% effective as I get so hormonally psycho no one will touch me.]

What’s worse than condom usage is the guy who resists and whines up until the last minute and then when he FINALLY agrees to wear one, it’s like he’s doing you the big favor.

If I had a dime for every guy who didn’t use a condom because his girlfriend insisted she was on the pill, while towing a small child around with him for his weekend, I’d be writing on this blog from Paris.

Guys: use them for you, unless you miss paying child support.

6 08 2008
Lia

I’m sure it’s been said, but I can’t be the only person who lives in a city(Chicago) with stores that have self-checkout lanes. Plus my hometown does, but I don’t usually buy condoms(my bf does). I don’t really see the problem, because I am grown. My inherent desire to never have children will forever keep condoms in my life. And STD’s are a no no. My bf and I have been together 5 yrs(on & off), and please believe there re regylar tests in there. I wil not catch a case.

6 08 2008
Imsoalmondie

Maybe its just me but weather I am buying condoms or tampons I do it like im buying a carton of eggs or some Munchies. LOL. Like I dont care who is gawkin at me…. I could care less. I mean any human should know that most women have this thing that we call our period and we get it like once a month so like ummmm tampons and pads are necessary. When I am in my condom aisle I be reading each pack… seeing what the benefits are as far as plesure is concerned. So if anyone needs me to go on a condom run…. Im down for it!! LOL!

6 08 2008

“Showering after sex is a must. All of that wetness feels gross and a paper towel or towel doesn’t really help. As a matter of fact I’ve never been skeeter in, but still…”

who wipes with a paper towel. warm soapy towel hun…warm soapy towel

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Naked is good. I do a little strut.

6 08 2008
Machete

HAHA! I used to work in a semi-ghetto grocery store, where condoms were not locked up… condom theft was quite rampant -as most of the boxes on the shelves were just empty by the time I took inventory. I always overstocked that section as community service. But alas, my good deed didn’t seem to make a dent in the situation as the pregnancy test theft was just as bad. You’d think the theft of condoms will eliminate the need for stealing pregnancy tests. Sigh…

6 08 2008
ishouldbeworking

@former lurker–I had a guy give me a similar condom vs. raw demonstration. He had me put my index finger in an empty Ziploc bag and filled another one with warm water. He told me to put my wrapped up finger in the bag and to wiggle it around. I could feel the movement of the water and could tell that it was warm but when I put my bare finger inside of course it got wet and I could tell the temperature of the water. I thought it was very insightful b/c until that point I just thought the whole raw is better thing was complete BS. After getting tested and on pills my boyfriend and I go raw. I never minded the condoms but I hated the smell.

As for post relations clean up it depends on who did the most work as to who gets up to get “the towel”. If he’s put it on me good I’m usually knocked out before he gets back. Most of the time he finishes “on” me as opposed to “in” me and he wipes it off b/c I don’t like to be sticky.

6 08 2008

“What if a guy drops a huge load inside of you? Doens’t all that leakage get in the way of good sleep. Heheh I feel like a little kid asking these question. I never had to deal with semen residue in my vagina.”

You could still be leaking the next day. Sometimes it comes out slow and sporadically, and other times it may goosh out.

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

I like sleeping naked too and I don’t do it as often as I should. I live in an apartment complex, and it seems like there are major apartment fires here in the Atlanta area every damn week. I’m always paranoid that I’m going to be running around frantically looking for clothes while I’m either dying of smoke inhalation or being burned up or just saying “fuck it, I’m running out naked (I live on the 3rd floor, so I may real assed out.)

6 08 2008
STONE

My first comment ever…

I work in the Sexual/Reproductive Health Field and couldn’t help myself

1. Dry sex: Lube it up (inside and outside of the condom, aka, “some for you, some for me”). Try something other than KY. Hit up the sex shop

2. Get free condoms (male and female) at your local community-based organization or AIDS service org.

3. Minimizing YIs – Less beer

ST: AIDS-y – Oh my!

Armando: If she does it right its all good

Angry: Use condom, lubed w/o N-9

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

who wipes with a paper towel?

Porno stars. The behind-the-scenes can be very interesting. Not that I would know. *runs*

6 08 2008
B4Prez

I live in Brooklyn, so there’s no balcony situation to take into account.

@Supreme – Magnums are for width. I think you’re out of luck on sumthin in btwn.

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

I’ve never needed to use KY…

6 08 2008
JG*

And you MUST MUST MUST PEE after sex. Unless you love going to the doctor to get your UTI meds to turn your pee orange. Why can’t they sell that over the counter? LOL my friend said the same about BV meds.

Also, if I know the sex is good. I keep the rag beside me too. Sometimes too weak for the shower.

6 08 2008
Yonnie 3k

I can’t read through all of these, and due to the topic, I see that we hopped right on into the gutter – no 100 comment pleasantries. Since I don’t believe in casual sex, I’ve always live by the “you get the condoms, I’ll get the pill” rule. The few times I did buy them, it was embarrassing. But you should just get em when you go grocery shopping – then they’re lost in the mix.

Chris, what’s your “adult name?”

6 08 2008

Sex w/ a condom is like taking a shower in a wetsuit.

lmaooooooooooooooooooooo

6 08 2008
tp2

I LOVE sex talk!!! Makes me feel all warm inside…you guys are HILARIOUS!

All clothes come off as soon as i get in the house. Sleeping in clothes? Yeah right!!! COMMANDO!!!

6 08 2008
Quiet Storm

“I fell out of my chair and spit Nestea all over the fucking place. Thanks.”- SBPH

I almost lost consciousness hitting my head on my laptop keyboard from bending over dying of laughter. Thanks. This is going to be an unproductive day (and I dont even feel bad that it will be).

6 08 2008

@Supreme – Magnums are for width. I think you’re out of luck on sumthin in btwn

lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooo

Magnums are the thickest condoms they are the WORST! I’m getting turned off just thinking about them.

6 08 2008
Shay-d-lady

i have a latex allergy so I have to use the poly joints, all I can say is that they dont have as much elasticity and break really easily. All stores dont carry them and I went to college in a really small town, having to go to 2-3 stores to find one is not the business. I think this is part of the reason I got married. LOL. As far as what to do with the fluid.. I definitely would rather in than on…. plus you should always urinate after sex (women) to help prevent bacteria/yeast infections since sometimes the semen can unbalance things. Also a big help? Rephresh

6 08 2008
Monie

I wonder what it must have been like back in the 60’s or 70’s when all anyone had to worry about were std’s that wouldn’t kill you…I bet people were really wild back then…….

6 08 2008
gabrieloneverything

The Walmarts in Lexington (kenTRUCKkky) keep them right next to the tampons and other female items. Since I’ve forced myself to tune out those vagina products condoms are hard to find so I have to ask the Pharmacy people. Then all the pharm people are White so they look at me like I’m using the rubbers on their daughters. I hate Kentucky.

6 08 2008
Tea

I mean even after the warm soapy towel. It still feels juicy and wet, that feeling is gross. So unless I’m going again, I have to shower. It helps with the leakage, at least to me it does.

6 08 2008
sarah

Rev – don’t be shamed! i’ve seen the behind the scenes thingys. they are hilarious! i was amazed at how nice the guys are though, i must admit.

i never need to use lube either, but i was intrigued by Intrigue. that warming crap sucks!

side bar: Beyoncé is officially a white woman

6 08 2008
ishouldbeworking

I’ve also seen people use baby wipes in the behind the scenes footage of adult films but what took the cake was when I saw one girl actually get up and take a full on shower as the cameraman continued to film. The whole time her co-star was sitting on the bed just chitchatting with her and the camera man shooting the breeze. I guess it was like the equivalent of gathering around the water cooler for them. And don’t judge, it’s my boyfriend who’s into it. I’d rather watch reality TV.

And yay for walking around naked. I live by it. I usually strip to my undies after work and go all out after the shower. I was always afraid of break ins in my apartment but I just put a robe by the bed and a knife under my mattress and kept it moving.

6 08 2008
Muse

I wonder what kind of condoms they use in Egypt. YES FEW MORE HOURS AND I WILL BE OUT OF HERE. YAHOO!!!!!!

6 08 2008
Yonnie 3k

tp2? As in, hit it hard from the back…roll around to the front…i know you got a lot of tracks…but twelve play’s what you want

Sorry. I supposed to be boycotting The Remix Killer. But it ain’t easy.

6 08 2008

I feel you tea. I dry pat after using “the towel”

I have to get some damn near EVERY morning and since I shower before I go to bed ( bed=sex In my house) I wait until after the morning shot.

6 08 2008
sarah

I mean even after the warm soapy towel. It still feels juicy and wet, that feeling is gross. So unless I’m going again, I have to shower. It helps with the leakage, at least to me it does.

i rather on than in, so cottonelle wipes are the best. invest.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Damn. I went to lunch.
Yes, peeing after sex is a must, helps flush out “bad” bacteria. But like Doc said, sometimes I conk out if it’s really good, and it usually (always) is.

6 08 2008
riz

I was always afraid of break ins in my apartment but I just put a robe by the bed and a knife under my mattress and kept it moving.

ahahahaha!!! You’re all cursing under your breath, putting your robe on….

Um, I’m all about the polyurethane condoms. They’re more pricey, but they’re comfortable. Generally, I’m a HUGE fan of condoms. They make me feel safe and secure.

6 08 2008
JG*

I’m another on than in.. And I appreciate when he gets the warm towel to wipe off.

6 08 2008
Lil'T

Ok, so normally I just read and laugh…

But I’ve had a condom problem. I am allergic to latex.

It’s not the “I’m about to have airway constriction” type of allergic reaction, but it is itchy and annoying and only gets worse with increased exposure.

*Side note: I found this out when I worked for a doctor and got the hand itchies every time I had to put on the gloves. It was a little disconcerting to have my tiny wizened Jewish boss (think Gollum with a bad toupee) tell me out of the blue to switch my condom brand. Old bastard was right, though.

I switched to the polyurethane (don’t know how to spell it, so spare me the typo comments) condoms, and I must say…

They’re Grrrrrrrrrreeeeaaaaat! Thin, strong, no “burnin’ rubber” smell. Better tasting. A little pricy. Trojan Supras are the brand. One small problem, though:

They don’t fit on men who are, how shall I say, good and girthful. Ladies, you know what I mean. Fellas, if you’re wondering if that’s you – it’s not. You’d know by now. I was heading down the “relationship road” with a young man who was *afflicted* (hee,hee) with an enormous penis and it was a problem. Apparently, they make all the plus size condoms in latex only. Trust me, I’ve looked online. I figure if I can’t find something sex related online it must not exist. And extra large polyurethane condoms do not exist.

So Mr. Big Stuff and I used the Magnums, I was itchy, eventually we broke up. Something about having a dick that big really turns a man into a, well, dick.

6 08 2008
Shay-d-lady

yeah, but I have too… I have a very, very sensitive ummm.. so I know all to well consequences of going straight to sleep…..but on the plus side I dont have any issues with leakage!

6 08 2008

tp2? As in, hit it hard from the back…roll around to the front…i know you got a lot of tracks…but twelve play’s what you want

Sorry. I supposed to be boycotting The Remix Killer. But it ain’t easy.

HOT DAMN LOLOLOLOL!

I only allow one song from tp2 on my sexytimes cd (very hard to choose) I just put…

“…and inside of your walls there will dwell a capricorn
that will feast your body all night
if we keep this up then a love child will be born
all because
of the greatest

the greatest you
the greatest me
we have found the greatest chemistry
the greatest touch
the greatest kiss
what came to be is the greatest wish
the greatest show
the greatest song
the greatest words
the greatest all night long
baby your love stays constantly on my mind
this is the best sex i’ve ever had”

other then that I have sade, norah jones, duke ellington (old soul I am)…

6 08 2008
ishouldbeworking

Something about having a dick that big really turns a man into a, well, dick.

Amen Lil’T! Size really doesn’t matter as long as it’s average. I feel sorry for those tolder-penised guys. Pity pity.

6 08 2008
tp2

@Yonnie-

Yuppers! that was Robert’s last great one…*sigh*

6 08 2008
SUPREME

@ Lil’ T: They need to make something between regular condom widths and Magums… Trojan Ultra-Thins are the shit, but they are way too tight….

6 08 2008
Knatural

Fuck Beyonce.
Fuck R. Kelly!

6 08 2008
SUPREME

*Magnums

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

My issue with condoms are that they eventually rub me dry. Then I get chafed. That is not very sexy.

6 08 2008
tp2

@Né –

Isn’t that song awesome???

*another sigh*

6 08 2008
Lil'T

@J’s mom – same here. Using poly condoms and some lube will help this. So will a little mid-game “head break”. Sex does not begin with intercourse and end when he comes, dangit!

6 08 2008
Cheekie

LMFAO @ that Powder ass Beyonce!

6 08 2008
Lil'T

yeah, i’m wasting “the man’s” time today.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

Damn finace won’t go down until we are married so no head game me (and likewise for him since I said it goes both ways)

6 08 2008

speaking of gloves and things that don’t fit…

” O-jay did it!”

6 08 2008

“Damn finace won’t go down until we are married so no head game me (and likewise for him since I said it goes both ways)”

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Sheeyit, I still rock the hell outta “The Best of Sade”. Sade is just plain timeless.

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Damn…this conversation will make me get married and start making babies.

6 08 2008

I agree rev!

When I hear sade, I could be in traffic mad as hell, I will calm down.

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Jeresmom…like wha? Wow, now that’s stepping out on faith, bless y’all, lol. I needs a test drive and experimental evidence of the quality of the goods.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Damn finace won’t go down until we are married so no head game me (and likewise for him since I said it goes both ways)

Dude?

6 08 2008
Cheekie

Aw, don’t get started on Sade.

She can calm ANYONE down. She’s sweet as taboo…

6 08 2008
Lil'T

@ Amadeo – I feel your vibe. Sometimes “the game” is too complicated, the stakes are too high, and time is short. I would much rather come home and unleash my freak on my husband properly, instead of telling that ho to hide in the closet and only show her face when “Respectable Lil’T” has vetted the current Sex Applicant, er, I mean date.

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

She can calm ANYONE down. She’s sweet as taboo

Yes, she gives me the sweetest taboo.

Hell, I listen to Enya sometimes.

*hands in black card and sings “sailawaysailawaysailaway”*

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

Damn, just checked my spelling too and it was atrocious, sorry
Anyway, not that is the only thing we haven’t test driven. i will give him that cause I am more *ahem* experienced than he is. So he isn’t as outgoing as I. This engaement give me to to get him loosened up a bit.

6 08 2008
Shavonne Nicole

*takes Rev’s black card and joins in*

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Wait a minute calm down with Sade?

Sade = Sexy time.

Additionally depending on how I feel I can pick a different song get drunk and lament.

Best song for the end of the day, “When am I going to make a living.”

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

HAHHAHAHA@sailawaysailawaysailaway

I have one of those Cherokee Indian powwow cds. My dad used to buy them for my grandmother who couldn’t get out to the reservation in her old age.

6 08 2008
tp2

@ Amadeo

I hear you…which is why you don’t have these coversations in person with people with whom you have sexual attraction…you will end up as such…

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

fuck it, I can’t spell today

6 08 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

I knew I’d never date another white girl again when one accused me of being ‘romantically cliche’ when she showed up at my place and found me playing Sade.

Mind you, she arrived unannounced.

The next unfortunate chick to wind up in my cave is getting a heaping helping of this.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

WOW that is wrong on so many levels, Chris, lmao

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Bjork…Venus as a Boy
Foo Fighters…Tired of You

Sexy Time.

Change the topic before I start making bedroom eyes.

6 08 2008
Shavonne Nicole

Cherish the Day=best song ever!

6 08 2008
tp2

‘romantically cliche’ ??? Even if you were attempting this (which clearly you weren’t), she should be happy someone was displaying any form of romance . Most men have no comprehension of what that is or don’t care to attempt it…dumb broad. She’s probably with someone now who beats her…

Let me go over to a guys house and he’s playing Sade, i’m pretty sure my panties would be around my left ankle…

6 08 2008
Jo

“Change the topic before I start making bedroom eyes.”

I have been sighing and making bedroom eyes since the topic turned to music. Damn. My co-workers think I’m insane.

6 08 2008
sarah

i lurve Sade! that being said, your mood when listening to her tends to go to the extreme. either she calms you down, gets you in the mood, or makes you want to jump off a cliff.

Rev, i can’t get down with Enya.

6 08 2008
Muse

Sade is the best. Her music gets me in the mood regardless of how I’m feeling.

6 08 2008
riz

Best sexy time song is “The Wrestlers” by Hot Chip.

There’s also “Ice Cream” by New Young Pony Club. Okay, well, no, I guess the latter isn’t really for sexy time because it’s a bit too upbeat. “Ice Cream” is for sexy time pre-game, when your channeling the power of the p*ssy; you know, while you are getting ready to go, looking at yourself in the mirror, thinking about how lucky your man is to have you.

Seriously, the lyrics go, “I can give you what you want/ I can make your back real taut!” LOVE that song!

6 08 2008
Amadeo

(Bedroom Eyes)
I’ll pour the wine…you tell me what you like best about…..me

6 08 2008
Defiant

@ Chris
I got the same shit from a chick for playing some Miles Davis and John Coltrane. Funny thing is I wasn’t even trying to mack the girl at the time we were just having dinner and she called it corny. AHHH fuck it!

6 08 2008
Knatural

HAHAHAHAHAH…another reason NOT to date White girls. Who doesn’t like ol’ five-head?

6 08 2008
Knatural

And if you don’t like Prince, kiss my ass.

6 08 2008
Jo

Riz: NYPC is the sh*t. Whenever that song comes on the radio while I’m driving it makes me want to go on the prowl.

6 08 2008
Muse

Prince could get it Knat…I met him in Vegas once and he was so nice. Pretty ass man.

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

Hi everybody…didn’t read all the comments, just woke up. But newsflash:

I’M A DELEGATE!!!! WHOO HOO!!!

So yea…I was one of the elected 3 in my district!!!!

I’m so freaking geeked, its not funny!

Plus, I’m off the funny meds…

GREAT DAY!!!!

6 08 2008
Jo

CD: Congrats!

6 08 2008

omg I will be listening to sade for the rest of the day. Thanks amadeo for the song tips.

I am going to suggest a very good song… “In a sentimental mood” by duke ellington

6 08 2008
riz

@ Jo; Yeah it bring out my Puma qualities for sure. I’m obsessed with that entire album! But Ice Cream is the standout track for sure, “Chocolate flavored love theme/ treat that treats you so mean/ covering your night and day!”

I shouldn’t make sexy time to that song though. It makes me feel too aggressive. I’d probably f a dude retarded then kick him (literally) out of my bed.

6 08 2008
riz

Yay, CD!!! Congrats! SO good!

6 08 2008
BK24/7

Amadeo, thank you. I was trying to figure out which Bjork song I could play for my girl, since she claims she hates her music. I’ll slip in a mix CD. Possibly Maybe is another good Bjork song for the bedroom.

6 08 2008

congrats diva!

6 08 2008
B4Prez

@Chris and Defiant – You’ll are dating the wrong chicks. Go pick up some hood rat chicks playing Sade and such, and I promise she’ll say :
‘ Oooh, you is so romantical’.

6 08 2008
Jo

Ne–that is my rainy day, candle light song.

As far as Sade is concerned “The Sweetest Gift” is one of my favorites. Also, “Kissing You” by Des’ree.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Sade is blist.
And Prince. *swoon* He so purty! I don’t care that he’s 5’4″ in heels. We could share beauty secrets.

6 08 2008
riz

Every Bjork song is good for the bedroom! And for driving! And for studying! And for life!

“Joga” will play in the movie of my life… Not sure where yet, but its def on the soundtrack.

6 08 2008
B4Prez

This is what made me fall in love with Bjork:

6 08 2008
Vanita

LMAOO I love the greatest sex and Flex
Morning, morning, just cant wait till morning…
mmm

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

Thank you guys!!!!

Now all I need is my voice to come back…

6 08 2008

Corrine has some good songs.

Enchantment and another rainy day

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

SBPH- LMAOOOOOO! “Flex…ah!….Time to have sex!” No subtlety there! I actually really like that song, but I would be kind of disappointed if a man pulled that out for our first encounter. That, like “Knockin The Boots” or “Freak Like Me” by Adina Howard is for when we have a strong sexual repore and can crack up laughing about corny 90s sex music….and still use it.

Alas, the difference between strong nubian queens and….them. But I am sure some hoodrats would have the same attiude: “Aw, naw, nigga! What is this? I wanna hear some R. Kelly! You got that TP-1,000?” Booooo!!!!!

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Damn, I have Bjork in my iPod too…

Ladies if your man plays “Closer” by nine inch nails, would that be romantic? LOL…

6 08 2008
Esquire

CD are you voting for Paris?

6 08 2008
Cheekie

Congrats, chaoticdiva!

6 08 2008
B4Prez

Sade – Your Love is King

…nuff said

6 08 2008
Knatural

Hoodrats in DC screw to Go-Go, right?

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Hoorah Chaotic…if I can assist in corruption or money laundering let me know.

6 08 2008

lmaoo @ bjork… she is ’bout it!

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

Congrats Chaotic

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

Congrats Miss Delegate!

MESSAGE:

Appropriate for sex: Miles, Trane, Mingus, Eric Dolphy, Cassandra Wilson

INAPPROPRIATE for sex (or anywhere else in life): SMOOTH “JAZZ”! I would absolutely DIE if a man put on Kenny G or Najee to make love! I’d probably laugh his penis off. No smooth jazz, no no hell no. I make some exception for Kem, because I love his corny music for some reason.

6 08 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“‘Oooh, you is so romantical’.”

LMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAO
LMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAO
LMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAO
LMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAOLMFAO

Yea, I need to leave the Wasicun alone.

Congrats, Diva.

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Hoodrats in DC screw to Go-Go, right?

BWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

You know “Sexy Lady” by Uncalled is their SHIT!

6 08 2008
Deesigner

You guys lost mucho cool points for swooning over “lil’ tiny tot girly assed high voiced Prince”.
Me likes my men manly.

6 08 2008
Muse

OH HELLLLLLLLLLLL NAW!!!!!!!!!!!

BEYONCE IS OFFICIALLY A WHITE WOMAN! I HATE EVERYTHING!? DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS GOD DAMN ADD? WHY AM I SO PISSED?!

http://www.bossip.com/22400/for-the-stans-30/beyonce28/

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Congratulations Miss Chaotic!

6 08 2008
Vanita

Hoodrats in DC screw to Go-Go, right?
that would be correct. Go to a go-go and you’d see it everywhere. I think its called dancing.

6 08 2008
sarah

CD, congrats!

Knat, i watch VH1 Soul every morning. Insatiable came on right when i was supposed to leave for work and i just sat down. who cares about being late. Prince is talking!

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Like I said, I play this song for my ladies:

giggity giggity giggity…

6 08 2008
Jo

@Ne: Just Like a Star and Seasons Change (though not really suitable for sexy time, the latter is just good in general)

@Rev: I love that song. Maxwell does a lounge version that’s not very sexy, but all fun.

I’m also gonna add “Colorblind” by Counting Crows to this mix. I love that scene in Cruel Intentions.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I sooo posted that Beyonce is white mess on the board yesterday and now y’all are discovering it…*le sgh*

6 08 2008
EJ

One day I was talking to a guy about condoms and he said that he only used Trojans. I asked him why and he said that his brother uses Durex condoms. I asked him why that mattered and he said, “Because my brother has three kids.”

I laughed for 10 minutes.

I think everyone should carry condoms! I bought a box of electra condoms and they gave me a cute little carrying case. Protection is better than infection!

(that was my corny line for the day)

6 08 2008

sade…

EVERY SONG SHE EVERY SANG! NUFF SAID YO! She is incredibly beautiful and he voice is like water. I stan for her.

6 08 2008
EJ

*I meant Elexa condoms!*

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

And Prince is an odd little man. I personally don’t like his music with his weird falsetto, but to each their own.

6 08 2008
BK24/7

I don’t care for all the slow jams as much as I used to. I need a beat. If we’re relaxing or making love, it’s Vikter Duplaix, Dwele, Spacek/Steve Spacek, Esthero, stuff like that. If we’re getting our freak on, it’s all about SA-RA. Here’s a sample lyric:

“Chocolate covered with the butterscotch/Lick you from your ass up to your crotch/
Such a freaky scene, don’t you agree/Pull you by your hair, make you cum on me”

Sometimes though, these chicks who just listen to the radio think I’m strange for my choices of music.

6 08 2008
Jo

@ST: Cassandra Wilson and Kem = <3.

“Come Over” is one of my favorite songs.

6 08 2008

europa, carlos santana.

The sound of his guitar makes me shiver

6 08 2008
Muse

BTW I love Miles Davis and recommend that everyone who has a true appreciation get the following albums:

Quintet / Sextet
Kind of Blue
Ascenseur pour l’Échafaud
Sketches of Spain
Filles de Kilimanjaro

I had a crazy time finding Sketches of Spain but that is probably my favorite album.

6 08 2008
Vanita

I dont need music to get romantical. We just get it in whenever. great foreplay does the trick.

6 08 2008
Muse

No one is concerned about Beyonce’s transformatino into a white woman? That picture shocked the hell out of me!

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“Let me go over to a guys house and he’s playing Sade, i’m pretty sure my panties would be around my left ankle…”

or at the very least moist and inching down…

‘romantically cliche’ beats romantically ass backwards any day

6 08 2008
Defiant

@ Ne
“I am going to suggest a very good song… “In a sentimental mood” by duke ellington”

Great song it was played in “Love Jones” I’m not one for chick flicks but I gotta say that I liked that one mostly for the great old school jazz they played in it. Best sex song is “how does it feel” by D’ Angelo girls love that shit and so what if they are thinking of the video while the love is going down insted of me I’m cool with it.

6 08 2008
B4Prez

@chaotic – Congrats

@Ne – Who knew Iceland was gangsta like that??? Bjork is reppin’ her set, lol.

“‘Oooh, you is so romantical’.” – I have a coupon for a free McDonald’s hamburger (sorry no cheese, we’re in a recession) for whoever knows what terrible 90’s movie this is from.

6 08 2008

I am not too much of a prince fan.

I wil throw up if someone tries to be sexy and put on either, gerald levert (rip), keith sweat, or freddy jackson….YUCK!!!!!!!

6 08 2008
sarah

Dwele, although i love him, is very hit or miss. can’t have sexy time to his music.

sorry TH. i wasnt here yesterday and i just saw that Beyoncé crap today. knowing the disdain for Beyoncé on this board, i posted it. my bad.

6 08 2008
Jo

“and so what if they are thinking of the video while the love is going down insted of me”

You know it’s the truth.

6 08 2008
Omar

@Defiant – Yeah in high school D’Angelo made a brother’s work easy…

6 08 2008
riz

PRINCE IS MY NIG-NOG!

The. End.

6 08 2008
JG*

BK24/7: I love your artist lineup. Vikter Duplaix is the best! (Although you can almost always tell a song of his. They tend to sound alike). I saw Dwele two weeks ago, almost melted in the audience. The drank didn’t help the cause.

6 08 2008
Cheekie

Defiant – “Best sex song is “how does it feel” by D’ Angelo girls love that shit”

I love when his voice goes all deep after all the falsetto like, “I-I-I-iiiii, I just wanna be…yo…MAN.” Loves it!

Segue like a mofo, but what the hell HAPPENED to D’Angelo? I mean that question in both ways like, “Is he alive?” and “WTF…man you let yo-self GO”.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

‘ Oooh, you is so romantical’.

Lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

6 08 2008
B4Prez

Chris did a post about Beyonce bleaching/catching a sudden case of vitiligo a while ago. It’s old news. Gotta have the complexion connection to be a massively successful ‘black’ female entertainer.

6 08 2008
Defiant

@ Cheekie
I think the dude went back to crack for real…

6 08 2008
BK24/7

@ Sarah & Muse

Don’t get mad at Beyonce. It’s just lighting and Photoshop. I know Chris wrote about it, but don’t fall for it. My friend is a graphic artist for the music industry and I’ve seen pictures of artists before and after they are retouched. In fact, my boy was working for Sony on one of the Destiny’s Child packages. His retouching notes were hilarious! Make B’s knees smaller, remove Michelle’s arm hair, add a little to the thigh……

6 08 2008
riz

D’Angelo got on drugs and got fat. Sadly enough.

He is still one of my all time favorites. But D’Angelo is for making LUUVVVVVVV… like that real deep, I need to be with you or else I’ll die, make it last foreverrrr type of love.

I don’t like that type of love. But I do like those 2 albums (“Lady” is the business).

6 08 2008

omg Duke was a genius!

6 08 2008
Knatural

Whenever iTunes (I hate Apple) shuffled to a Prince song, I get extremely irritated if a co-worker saunters over to my desk to chat. Best love songs by Prince: Power Fantastic, Adore, Insatiable, Purple rain, there’s so many.

Meshell N’degeocello’s (sp?) Comfort Woman is mellow enough for romantical moments also.

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

Thanks for all the congrats, and in 2012, I’m running with Paris!

Sexy Club and Shoe lovers unite!!!

…but this year, Rihanna would make a good running mate for her, because she’s hot stuff, although, many girls wont vote for her because they want to date Chris Brown as well.

6 08 2008
Cheekie

Defiant and riz – Oh, okay, thanks… I figured that was it. I just saw this random as picture of him in an old Vibe magazine a couple months ago and was like, the hell? Threw me for a LOOP.

6 08 2008

I haven’t put how does it feel in my sexy times cd.

That song is only played if the video is on I don’t even know the words to that song besides the chorus. It’s like you are lost in his creamy…wet…sexy ..booody

6 08 2008
BK24/7

@ JG*

Thanks! Vikter is the shit. His shit with Jazzanova is crazy. When he was just dropping singles before the first album came out, he was making straight down and dirty, sweaty, house-y shit. Made me a fan for life. I think all Dwele’s songs sound more alike than Vikter’s though.

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Speaking of Me’Shell, I felt like a retard when I realized “Outside Your Door” was essentially about stalking.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

Sexy Time? I need a beat.

“I want you” by Erykah makes me go ape-wild and all amazon and shit. Especially that solo guitar at the end by Mr. Kravitz… *maybe he’s the reason why the song talks so much to me… hum!*

6 08 2008

Meshell Ndegeocello is a GREAT artist. I love to hear
“beautiful” when I’m in my melancholly moods

6 08 2008
Deesigner

Knat, what about “Slow Love”? Now THAT cut makes me forget that he is short and gay-ish.

6 08 2008
riz

“Girl, it’s all you…” (in my best D’Angelo tenor), “Have it your way, and if you want, you can deciiiide….If you’ll have me, I can provide, everything you desiiire….”

The entire song uses love as a metaphor for an orgasm…. or vice versa.

6 08 2008
B4Prez

@BK24/7 –

We’re all aware of the photo shopping, but what does that say when Beyonce’s new add is that lightened? Not a slimmed down nose, or brightened eyes, but just str8 bleaching.
——————————————–

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO DANGELO :

6 08 2008
Knatural

Spin magazine recently did an article on D’Angelo and Maxwell. Apparently, they buckled under the pressure to be sex-symbols. D’Angelo, who’d been “the fat kid” all of his life, suddenly, after the Untitled video, was shocked that women were throwing their panties at him, and turned to alcohol to quiet his fears.

6 08 2008
Lil'T

This black chick likes to get her rocks off to rock and roll.

My Fave Sex Bands:

Led Zeppelin
Rolling Stones
Aerosmith

Bonus Track:

I want to fuck you like an AN-I-MAL. Nine Inch Nails.

Can’t be beat in my book.

6 08 2008
sarah

oh wow, Me’Shell NdegéOcello makes you just want to close your eyes.

6 08 2008
Jo

Me’shell’s “Fool of Me” is good for melancholy as well.

6 08 2008

“Girl, it’s all you…” (in my best D’Angelo tenor), “Have it your way, and if you want, you can deciiiide….If you’ll have me, I can provide, everything you desiiire….”

Are those the words to “how does it feel” ?

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

Ok, fucking sexy songs:

“Take it off” – Pharell and the Yessirs (i.e. the Soulquarians…such the panty dropper, has an old school feel)

“Teach You a Lesson” – Robin Thicke

“Nite and Day” – Al B. Sure

…fuck, its been so long, this is taking too much work remembering my playlists…

(more to come…stay tuned)

6 08 2008
Jo

@Lil’T: Led’s “Whole Lotta Love” and “Kashmir”.

‘Nuff said.

6 08 2008
former lurker

i was bout to get it on with a dude once. he wanted to listen to my slow jams playist. when he sees that it consist of prince, teddy pendegrass, and a bunch of ol school soulful sexy shit, he claims that my playlist was whack cuz i didn’t have any r kelly, tank, or trey songs.

i promptly showed him the door

6 08 2008
Jen

“INAPPROPRIATE for sex (or anywhere else in life): SMOOTH “JAZZ”! I would absolutely DIE if a man put on Kenny G or Najee to make love! I’d probably laugh his penis off. No smooth jazz, no no hell no.”

BWAHAHAHAHA

*snort*

6 08 2008
Lil'T

@fl – if he can’t get down with the old skool, he can’t get down with me. Good job kicking his baby butt out!

6 08 2008
Omar

@Knat

Fear of women throwing panties = He has been in the closet all this time…

6 08 2008
riz

@Ne: Yeah… That’s what I think they are (I didn’t do a Google cheat)

@Cdiva: Al B. Sure… I’ve been listening to that song lately, but not for sexy time. He MC’d my very first concert, so it makes me feel very young unsexy. Bt I still love that song.

6 08 2008

GOOD GRACIOUS THAT DAMN VIDEO!

D’ angelo was so sexy. I promise I will learn the words, But I can’t seem to hear anything though.

6 08 2008
Jen

I have said this here before and I will say it again. The sexiest song ever recorded is Soon I’ll Be Loving You Again by Marvin Gaye.

Best line:

“I can’t wait to give you some HE-EA-EA-EAAAAAAAD…”

Bless you, Marvin.

6 08 2008
Vanita

@b4prez…NO that is NOT D’angelo…All the ladies at my job are so upset…

6 08 2008
Omar

I hate Tank and Carl thomas; the can only be one Keith Sweat and he sucks anyway.

6 08 2008
JG*

Me’Shell… Love Song #1…. Damn……

6 08 2008
Lil'T

Had sex to African tribal music once. Don’t know what is was or who was playing, but all I heard was drums, audible sweat and instruments I can’t identify by ear. Talk about going back to the Muthaland…I think I woke up the next morning with a bone in my lip. Damn, that one got me crossing my legs under the desk. Gotta stay professional….

6 08 2008

oooh marvin gaye.

6 08 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

This one always gets me randy.

6 08 2008
Omar

@Lil’T – “I think I woke up the next morning with a bone in my lip.”

Are you sure it was a bone that was on your lip…??

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

lmao @ someone thinking Trey Songs sounds sexy…

And I’m sorry, R. Kelly saying that a girl reminds him of a Jeep is not sexy…

6 08 2008

lmao…wtf is randy?????????????????? lol

6 08 2008

It was a bone alright

6 08 2008
Knatural

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
those damn chicken wings!

6 08 2008
Vanita

Oh, cosign on them drums…

“i dont see nutthin wrong with a lil bump and grind”

6 08 2008
Jo

CD: YESSSSSSSSS to “Take It Off” and “Teach You a Lesson”. Just YESSSSSSSSSS.

6 08 2008
Jen

Ahem. So, chicken wings make you horny?

Stuff Black People Hate: tearing down stereotypes with every keystroke.

6 08 2008
Vanita

@Lil’T – “I think I woke up the next morning with a bone in my lip.”

Are you sure it was a bone that was on your lip…??

bwhahahahahahahah!!!

6 08 2008
Knatural

AHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH @ I think I woke up the next morning with a bone in my lip

Bone, erection, to-may-toe, to-mah-to

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Cassandra Wilson – Love is Blindness
Groove Theory – Hello it’s Me
Les Nubians _ Embrasse Moi
Portishead – Glory Box
Sade – Bullet Proof Soul

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“i was bout to get it on with a dude once. he wanted to listen to my slow jams playist. when he sees that it consist of prince, teddy pendegrass, and a bunch of ol school soulful sexy shit, he claims that my playlist was whack cuz i didn’t have any r kelly, tank, or trey songs.”

who are tank and trey?

Marvin, Teddy, Luther… that was the good stuff…

6 08 2008
riz

That Chicken Wings song is SBPH’s equivalent of the Family Guy scene w/ Hitler juggling on a unicycle, or that little girl with the pickle on Talk Soup.

You can’t love chicken wings and hate big girls at the same time, SBPH. One will lead you to the other.

6 08 2008
B4Prez

@Vanita –

That pic of D’angelo is a classic case of ‘When Hollywood Attacks’. Angie Stone always says that the video D’angelo that ya’ll women swoon over wasnt the Dangelo she knew.

6 08 2008
riz

❤ ~ Portishead ~<3

6 08 2008
Jen

I hate R. Kelly. Do you know how amazing a man has to be for me to even consider letting him anywhere near my vajayjay??

EXTREMELY.

And, I hate R. Kelly so much that if a man (in all his seemingly perfect splendor) was about to reach that point, but by some trick of the devil thought our first time was an It Seems Like You’re Ready moment, I would get up, eject his atrocious, mood-killing CD, throw it out the window and make it a point to run that P.O.S. over during my speedy exit.

6 08 2008
sarah

wow, Jen. did R. Kelly pee on you too?

6 08 2008
Knatural

Um. I actually prefer doing it in silence, and total darkness. Just listening to breathing and shit-talking. I may go home early today. Sorry, TMI.

6 08 2008
riz

@ Sarah…

….

….
….

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

(But I do hate R. Kelly, too. Hate everything about him, including his music– the only exception being “Ignition (Remix).”

6 08 2008
BK24/7

@B4Prez,

I would say there are a few reasons why the photo is that way.

1. Lighting – The lights could be intentionally bright to highlight her hair, or that’s the setup the photog wanted. If the whole shoot is shot with the bright light, then one of the pictures will be that bright.

2. Photoshop – While there may not be any excessive retouching done, the picture or parts of it like just her face could have been lightened. Maybe a darker picture didn’t look good with the top she has on.

3. Ad execs – While a star with B’s profile may get final approval of the photo used, maybe the execs wanted it that light for whatever reason and she didn’t have final approval. Or to take it to an extreme, maybe she didn’t like the photos because they are too light, but she’s under contract, so what can she do?

TMZ uses a red carpet photo as a comparison, which is no comparison because a photo shoot is a controlled situation and the red carpet is not. Different lights, cameras, etc…

I hate these and photos of these celebs (like the recent Madonna photo) cuz they try to show people at their worst. If I took a camera and shot you for 3 minutes at 3 picutres per second or better, I’m guaranteed a shot of you looking crazy.

6 08 2008

LOL KNAT!!!!!

the funny thing is when we play music by the time it’s over, the only songs we have heard are the first 2.

6 08 2008
Jen

Hell to the no, Sarah. Why do you ask? Do you have kill-yourself-terrible taste in music? Do you dare consider defending that musical abomination?

6 08 2008
Vanita

LMAO @ Sarah!

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

I am with you Jen… R.KElly gives me the jeebies. Kinda like Quagmire… Ewww.

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Esthero’s first CD is sexy time for real.

6 08 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Speaking of music, what is that instrumental out of NY that came out about 10 years ago, it had this jazzy backbeat with a drumbeat to it, and they kept saying “Hot!” every few seconds. I’m hearing it in my head, but I’m trying to find it on YouTube right now.

6 08 2008
sarah

naw, not at all. you’re hatred of R. Kelly just seems so… real. like personal. i am not a fan of Usher, but i wouldnt get that heated if a guy had it playing to get me in the mood. but, its all jokes.

kill-yourself-terrible taste… wow.

6 08 2008
Vanita

Lol@ Knat. But I do think that if you need some music to set the mood, its a problem. He should look @ you with the ‘come get it face’ and thats enough for me.

6 08 2008
former lurker

@Jen: you and I are two of the rare black people of baby making age that do not put r kelly’s ass on some whack ass baby making music pedastal (sp)

with the exception of a couple of songs, i think his shit is hella corny. and if i put in your cd and theres a 99% chance that a sex song will be followed by a gospel song, i need not listen to it.

6 08 2008
Knatural

But Usher isn’t a Chester.

6 08 2008
Jen

I don’t care what the accompanying music is–as long as it is not terrible music. I find bad music personally offensive.

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

Someone mentioned Sa-Ra? I love them, but that “Bitch” song turns me off. Taz is so coked out. They be talking about having concubines and shit. The fuck?

I like Vikter, Portishead, Esthero, etc. If anyone has heard of this Japanese (I think) group called Next Evidence, they have a song with N’Dea Davenport from the Brand New Heavies called “Fly Me”. May be the sexiest song everrrrr.

But I still tend to rest with the tried and true Marvin (the “I Want You” albulm=instant panty dropper!), Maxwell (any and everything he’s ever made), D’Angelo, etc.

OMG, VAN HUNT!!!!! Both his CD’s are totally slept on. His music is soooo sexy and intelligent and he is a cutie! I LOVE HIM!

6 08 2008
Jo

@former lurker: I don’t think you and Jen are in as much of a minority as you think. R.’s music has always made me feel dirty (not in a good way).

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“with the exception of a couple of songs, i think his shit is hella corny. and if i put in your cd and theres a 99% chance that a sex song will be followed by a gospel song, i need not listen to it.”

so true because really one should be yelling “oh Jesus” not “praise Jesus” in the midst…

6 08 2008
Cheekie

RE: that D’Angelo Pic.

Yup, that’s the one, B4Prez.
THAT’S the picture! I mean, damn. I mean, if that’s not a panty dryer, I don’t know what is.

6 08 2008
Knatural

True baby-making music: Isley Brothers Love Songs CD.

6 08 2008
B4Prez

@BK24/7 –

I see what you’re getting at, but…I ride with the original intentions of the photo. The lighter and blonder, the better. I don’t wanna change the direction of the comments today, but what I will say is that Beyonce owes A LOT of her success to being a ‘pretty, light-skinned’ girl. It is what it is. See: Halle Berry. See: Paula Patton (who after 2 movies is all ready the next Black woman to watch). It’s the sad name of the game.

6 08 2008

“cherish the day… won’t go astray…don’t be afraid…”

look what ya’ll done started

6 08 2008
Lil'T

Y’all made me laugh so hard with the “sure it was a bone in your lip” comments I had to get off the page because I just knew someone was coming to see what I’ve been up to. I guess it was a milk bone….

And you know, the main reason I’m mad at R. Kelly is for ruining all of his baby-making music by sexing up babies. I really enjoyed his stuff, the original 12 Play was the bomb. Dangit!

Side note – although Prince gets me feeling all hot and bothered, I cannot have sex to him. Just feels wrong.

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

More songs:

Vanity 6 – Nasty Girl (thats my stripper song…lmao)
—————–
Highway – Christina Milian
Thats What its Made For – Usher

…I can’t do this anymore. My fucking love/sex life sucks, and this is making me mad.

6 08 2008

omg

stronger than pride is playing now!!!!!!!!! MY SHIT YO!

I might have to cut out early too i feel so sexy and n love!

6 08 2008
Amadeo

So playing Darth Vaders theme when I walk into a bedroom isn’t the move, eh?

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

You know what I really want to do, but never have? Get it on to all my favorite 80’s and 90’s R&B. I guess I need a boyfriend for this, I don’t think all guys could appreciate my undying love for 80’s and 90’s music.

Christopher Williams (with his fine ass)- All I See, Promises, Don’t You Wanna Make Love, Come On And Go With Me

Al B. Sure!- Oooh, This Love Is So

Jodeci- Too many to name

Keith Washington- Kissing You

Keith Sweat- greatest hits

Montell Jordan (with his FINE 6’8 ass!) – I Can Do That, What’s On Tonight

Tevin Campbell- Alone With You, Shhh!

I could go on for days. You see I was born about 10 years too late, eh?

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

@ Riz…Ignition (the original) and his old old song Hump Bounce are the only 2 R. Kelly songs I like.

Here in the midwest, they play out ALL of his stepping songs. All these fuckers know how to do is step and hustle.

6 08 2008
Cheekie

“And you know, the main reason I’m mad at R. Kelly is for ruining all of his baby-making music by sexing up babies.”

Exactly! Can’t even listen to a joint without wondering if he he’s talking about a little girl. Disappointment!

6 08 2008
Knatural

So playing Darth Vaders theme when I walk into a bedroom isn’t the move, eh?

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

Do it, and report back. If she digs it, marry her.

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

ST…you just dropped Tevin and Montell in the same post.

I officially hate you. I hate all of you that get to use that list.

FUCK!!!

*thinks campaigning thoughts*

6 08 2008

joooodeciiiiiiiiiiiiii! I miss thee

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

A really good slept on artist: Emily King.

Her album is hot!

6 08 2008
B4Prez

‘Keith Washington- Kissing You’

That’s real grown folks music right there. A lot of ppl wouldn’t even be ready for that.

6 08 2008
Saun

@Toldja

I think we are kindred spirits. I have my own “sexy mix” on my IPOD and its mostly 80s & 90’s R&B. R&B was better back then.

6 08 2008
Darcia00

No love for Massive Attack? Didn’t they inadvertently redefine to whole ‘music to make love to’ thing along with other ‘trip hop’ greats like the aforementioned Portishead?

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

Ok, seriously, someone hit me up when y’all change the topic…I’m going to play Mob Wars…

6 08 2008
Darcia00

redefine *the

6 08 2008
Jen

I think you can do the Darth Vader thing. But you can’t do the Darth Vader thing AND the Mocha Thunder call during the same episode.

Also, I am surprised so many people want to get it to something as dark as Portishead.

6 08 2008

:joins diva:

6 08 2008
sarah

thank you for bringing up Van Hunt. out of my friends, i am the only person who listens to him. he is still really unknown in these parts.

6 08 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

Damn here I am WAY after the comments party has started… but I buy mine in bulk, from drugstore.com, with my flexible spending account. 🙂

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

@Sarah… I am the only one of my friends listening to most of the music being mentionned on here…

Then I am a proud music snob. So I’m ok. It’s a lonely world out there…

6 08 2008
sarah

oh no, but you brought up Tevin Campbell, ST. 😦

i can’t talk. i went through a Donell Jones phase.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Amadeo – you should also wear a Darth Vader mask and constantly talk about “The Force” during sex. And you should threaten to blow up Alderaan if you don’t receive adequate head.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

@Knat… not blow up Alderaan! LMAO!

6 08 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

I do remember getting a fucked up look once, when I was in CVS and got the Magnum twisters, just to see what the difference was, if any at all.

And for the record, there’s no difference that I can really detect.

6 08 2008
Jen

@Knatural – NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

6 08 2008
Omar

“And you know, the main reason I’m mad at R. Kelly is for ruining all of his baby-making music by sexing up babies. I really enjoyed his stuff, the original 12 Play was the bomb. Dangit!”

‘my mind’s telling me noooo…..’ – R. Kelly

…he should’ve listened …always go with your first instinct.

6 08 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

OMGD@Knatural, LMAO

6 08 2008
former lurker

@sarah: i fell in love with van hunt’s song “Seconds of Pleasure”…that will always be my ish….and “Down Here in Hell With You”….WHEW

i think of saving myself……thats some deep shit.

van hunt and on the jungle floor will forever be in constant rotation

6 08 2008
Omar

Boyz II Men’s first CD used to work wonder’s too.

6 08 2008
Jen

Ugh – Omar, R. Kelly has been leaving hints that he is a pedophile who likes to pee on people for a long, long time. Remember the Honey Love video? COME THE FUCK ON. F-

6 08 2008
Amadeo

I’m fond of telling a woman that I’m going to use the force on her. That or saying she should feel the force flowing through her.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

I love Tevin and every single song that he sang from his lips

6 08 2008
JG*

Rev: Perhaps you’re talkin about Hot Music…

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

Sarah- HA! “It’s a quarter past three, girl, what’s it gonna be? Cause shorty got her eyes on me….” I am embarassed, but I like that song along with “Where I Wanna Be” (why was Karl Kani the other man in the video?) and “U Know Whats Up”

CD- I heard Emily King perform . A lot of my NYC peeps love her! I thought she was cool, but she did this tragic mullato song that was SUCH a yawn at the start of her set that she kinda lost me. And Chrisette Michele performed next, so she was kinda forgotten. But I’ll check her out most likely.

6 08 2008
Amadeo

@ Omar

“Uhhh Ahhh” by Boyz II Men…put it on my list when I was younger and now I need to put it on my “La Petite Mort” Playlist.

6 08 2008

I have officially replaced the words of “fiesta, fiesta” to “chester, molster”

6 08 2008
Shay-D-Lady

I love prince…Adore?
That 112 first CD… Can I touch you? Oh my Goodness
Faith- Kissing you
Best of SADE
R Kelly-Tempo Slow, Just Like That, I cant breathe
D Angelo…first CD….and that joint with him and lauryn HIll….
Boys to Men
The unplugged Maxwell urban hang suite album
Jill Scott.. Words and sounds..especially that He loves me (oooh, slowly rolling in my seat as I think about it…..)..that’s my jam
Musiq Soulchild-settle for my love

6 08 2008
Jo

@ Jeresmom: I’m afraid to hear the songs he sang from places other than his lips.

6 08 2008
Livewell

Hey ladies…what are your do/don’t or rules about oral sex? 🙂

6 08 2008
Shay-D-Lady

That Donnell Jones joint is FIYAH!!!

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Knat! – Adore is gonna be my wedding song. You mentioned a lot of my favorites love songs too, definitely gotta throw Scandalous in there as well. Shockadelica is one of my bedroom aliases, LMAO.

6 08 2008
B4Prez

Sarah:
‘oh no, but you brought up Tevin Campbell, ST. 😦

i can’t talk. i went through a Donell Jones phase.’
——————

Is Donnell Jones gay too or sumthin?

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Livewell – you mean giving or receiving? For receiving…don’t suck (ha ha) at it. For giving…as long as it’s clean, I don’t know what other “rules” would apply.

6 08 2008
Knatural

La Petite Mort playlist? Little deaths, orgasms, I get it. You are such a freak, seriously.

6 08 2008

“That 112 first CD… Can I touch you? Oh my Goodness”
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS not on my sexy time cd though.

“Hey ladies…what are your do/don’t or rules about oral sex?”

No biting or extreme lollipop sucking on the clit!

6 08 2008
sarah

not Boyz II Men! 😦

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Okay, whoever mentioned Closer as a bedroom song…I fucks with you! LOL
Sometimes it’s just gotta be raw like that! That’s on my list of great poledancing songs too…

6 08 2008
JG*

Livewell: The clit is attached… you cannot pull it off. LOL I hate vacuum sucking.

For giving.. I like a shaved guy. Just like you guys don’t want to floss, neither do I.

6 08 2008
JG*

Oh! And Slum Village- Count the ways!! Whooo

6 08 2008
sarah

Don’t: push my head down on it

Do: run your fingers through my hair

Do: tell me when you’re gonna Shazam!

6 08 2008
Shay-D-Lady

Guilty pleasure joints
My bodys calling remix with R kelly and Aliyah
Tell do you wanna-Ginuwine
Knockin Da boots-H-Town
Freak me baby-Silk
Dont disturb this Grove-The System
Gently-Ready for the world
Slow motion-Juvenile

6 08 2008
Amadeo

@ Knat

“Cultured Sexual Enthusiast”

6 08 2008
B4Prez

Yea…u throw on a Maxwell mix and the panties rip themselves off.

6 08 2008
lola gets

The embarrassment you speak of is exactly why I purchase my condoms at the sex shop. Specifically, the two Pleasure Chests located in Northwest DC. In those places, everything and everybody is all about getting their freak on, so buying condoms doesn’t make you look out of place.

But of course, Im a woman and I dont have a penis, and I dont have sex that often, so I dont have to buy them that frequently. Hehe. But if I know of a woman who is too embarrassed to buy her own, I will step in and do that for her. I think its important to protect oneself. And, I think the free shit is a little suspect

L

6 08 2008
Jen

I’m with Doc. Not many rules for oral sex or sex at all, for that matter. I was reading the earlier parts of the thread where people were talking about semen being gross and showering after sex and I just thought, “Well, damn. I must be the dirtiest bitch who posts here.”

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

lol @Jo.
Put the new Jill Scott on and you can make babies all night long. I swear when I was abstaining, I had to stop listening to that CD. It does something to you

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Excellent point JG. I’ve said it before… guys need to get up on the shaving/Nair for men.

6 08 2008
sarah

B4Prez, i don’t think he is gay, but now that i am 25, his old shit sounds really corny now.

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

I’m sorry, if you’re too embarassed to buy condoms, you don’t need to be fucking.

6 08 2008
JG*

Jeresmom : Crown Royal on Ice gets me everytime. I saw her live in concert last week, and when she performed that.. I about died.

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Congrats ChaoticDiva. (Delegate to what? lol)

6 08 2008
Omar

My bodys calling remix with R kelly and Aliyah = Pedophile Anthem

6 08 2008
Shay-D-Lady

hmmm my rules
for getting…..um I need a little bit of sucking but as someone stated it is attached. dont blow on it? I mean really WTF?
That butterfly flick thing over the clit? OH my YES

Giving?
dont thrust, push my head, or ask for it all the dayum time also no suprises!

6 08 2008
sarah

i still think shaved frank N beans look weird

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Amadeo: “So playing Darth Vaders theme when I walk into a bedroom isn’t the move, eh?

I’m fond of telling a woman that I’m going to use the force on her. That or saying she should feel the force flowing through her.”

BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

^5 Jen. My co-chair of the Dirty Girls club.

6 08 2008
Knatural

semen’s gross?

6 08 2008
former lurker

@livewell: i cosign with what everyone else is saying.
NEVER, under any circumstances, make my head bob up and down. shit’s not cute, and all head giving will cease.
keep the hedges trimmed. i hate pubic hair, and the thought of it being in the vicinity of my face makes me dry heave.

the clit is sensative. suck it too hard and i wll kick you in the face

6 08 2008
Jen

“My bodys calling remix with R kelly and Aliyah = Pedophile Anthem”

Okay, I had no idea this existed. I just looked this up on Youtube and I must say, “WTF????”

Where was CPS when this child was recording this kinky duet with her adult husband?????????????

6 08 2008
Shay-D-Lady

@ Jen they were no where because her parents were sitting back counting that advance…. Like I said its a guilty pleasure but it was my jam in High school

6 08 2008
Livewell

“JG*: The clit is attached… you cannot pull it off ”
LMAO…I can see that especially biting is a no..no…. I mean for both.

6 08 2008
Vanita

Donnell Jones “Happily Ever After” is gonna be my wedding song. I know its soooo tacky and its been done, but I really dont care.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

Rules for getting:

Do pay attention to both the mound of Venus and the lips
Do lick till I come
Do Not bite, overbite or use your teeth in any way, shape of form

Rules for giving:

Wash your balls… I love me some nuts.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

@ JG, I would love to see her perform live. Crown Royal on Ice is the foreplay song since it’s so short.

6 08 2008
Jen

“Wash your balls… I love me some nuts.”

Classic.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

*that would shape OR form

6 08 2008
Knatural

Wash your balls… I love me some nuts.

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA…I’m done. AHAHAHAH…

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“I’m sorry, if you’re too embarassed to buy condoms, you don’t need to be fucking.”

Co-sign heartily…

I can’t listen to R. Kelly without wondering just who he wrote that song for…

I would add Janet Jackson’s “If” to the mix… for a tie him to the bed and do a strip tease till he begs (or calls on Jesus) kind of night… just a thought…

6 08 2008

I am addicted to oral sex. Giving and recieving

6 08 2008
Vanita

to add to Ms. Sulas Rules for getting – Stay down there after I come. Just for 30 more seconds.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

@ Ne, so am I
*sigh*

6 08 2008
Defiant

I don’t know I’m not a fan of getting the balls sucked it’s to much a tease give me the real deal… don’t fuck around go for the goods!

6 08 2008
Vanita

Im addicted to gettin some oral. Not so much to giving but fair is fair.

6 08 2008
Jo

@Bajan Girl: Janet’s “Anytime, Anyplace”, “The Body That Loves You”, et cetera, et cetera.

6 08 2008
Jen

I like most of Janet’s horny songs. I like Anytime Anyplace best, and as much as I hate R. Kelly, I must admit I prefer his remix of the song. It has that Classic 90’s R&B Feel.

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

Yes, yes Anytime Anyplace, I was trying to think of the name of that song

6 08 2008
Knatural

Janet “Miss Jackson if ya nasty”
YES. Anytime, Anyplace. That video was so sensual!
Ok, one of my eight bosses just left so I may cut out early…hehe.

6 08 2008

we have decided “angels” -Robin Thicke will be our wedding song. We will have our first dance to “In a sentimental mood”…

I am sooo suprised I haven’t heard anyone mention the roots “break you off”

6 08 2008
Livewell

I think most of us really enjoy receiving ….but the response i hear about the excitement of “giving” is vary. I think some women don’t enjoy it or they are conservative.

6 08 2008
JG*

Ne: You’re right though! “Coming to break you off!”

That used to be on my panty dropper mix.

Now I throw on some Telepopmusik and get real ambient.

6 08 2008
joy

I’m way late, so my comments:

1. Co-sign to whoever said buying a pregnancy test is more embarrassing. I kept flashing my rings so they’d know I’m a married lady.

2. Raw >>>>> condoms. One of the best perks of marriage. (TMI alert – skip to #3 if you can’t handle it: especially true for ladies if you’re umm…little down there. The condoms always felt like they were taking up too much precious room and hurt a little)

3. I’m feeling the late 80s/90s on music. Almost all my jams have already been mentioned, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Janet’s “Janet” album. That’s my shit too.

6 08 2008
Jo

Ne: If we’re talking about The Roots we have to include “Complexity”.

6 08 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

@ Rev Lonnie, I beleive the song you’re referencing is closer to 20 ( or more) years old, and it’s called “Hot Music”… it’s by Soho. 🙂

6 08 2008
Amadeo

@ Vanita

That’s funny cause I know a lot of women that say they need to stop because of the intensity…I keep saying, “There’s another wave trying to hit the shore and you’re stopping it.”

6 08 2008
JG*

Based on music alone, I could really kick it with some of you guys.

6 08 2008
Jen

@Amadeo – I have been known to cause injury during the act of love. She’s telling you to stop because she wants to protect you.

6 08 2008
sarah

i HATE “Coming to Break You Off” my BFF used to play it all the time, so i cannot listen to it anymore.

Nuts are great. get cozy with them. if you tug on them while the guy Shazams! you can make him scream a little bit. or at least call out your name.

6 08 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

@Livewell,

when giving:

*do not grab my fucking head

*don’t push my head down there to indicate that’s what you want

*do not jab your dick down my throat when you’re coming

I don’t need to know when he’s gonna blow though, because I can tell before it happens.

When receiving

*stay the fuck from down there if you don’t know that you’re doing

*not too much of one method or sensation, switch it up

6 08 2008
joy

Son of a…

In catching up with the comments, someone posted Janet.

I really need to get here earlier in the day 🙂

6 08 2008
JG*

LMAO @ Shazams….

“ooooh girl… i’m bout to SHAZAM!”

6 08 2008
sarah

LMAO @ Jen!

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

am I the only female that likes it when he grabs my head. Damn, I must be a freak

6 08 2008
Amadeo

Next time I cum I’m yelling “Shazam!”

6 08 2008
puff

@ jeresmom…

no you’re not

bwahahahahaha

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

…I figured the topic would have changed, but I guess not.

*moseys back to mob wars…

6 08 2008
Jeresmom

Thanks Puff, that makes me feel better

6 08 2008
sarah

Amadeo, i take it you are not a Family Guy viewer. that is a direct reference. Peter yells Shazam! when he reaches his climax.

Jeresmom, i don’t like my head being grabbed and pushed while giving oral. i’m great at what i do and do not need his help. in all other situations, grab as you please 🙂

6 08 2008

no jeresmom

6 08 2008
Livewell

@Jeresmom
No, you are not. its natural lol like..like…

6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Definitely not Jeresmom. Nothing wrong with a little head grabbing. Or pushing the head down there…I know I’ve done it to him, LOL. It just can’t be all the time.

6 08 2008
Amadeo

When Captain Marvel yells Shazam lightning strikes.

6 08 2008
Bajan Girl

“Nuts are great. get cozy with them. if you tug on them while the guy Shazams! you can make him scream a little bit. or at least call out your name.”

*dead*

Sometimes you feel like a nut… sometimes you don’t…

LMFAO here… (well more like snickering quietly as I am still on the clock…)

6 08 2008
klysha

LMAO at this post and all the comments! Very interesting to read about the experiences of others. Been a while since I bought condoms but I remember the feeling. I have to say that sex without a condom and sex with a condom are quite different. Condoms make me dry quickly and chafe and I think I’m allergic to nonoxyl 9…and possibly to latex too. I haven’t had sex with a condom since 2006 though so it’s tough to remember. (Haven’t had sex any kind of way in like 8 months but that’s neither here nor there)……can’t decide whether this post is making me regret my decision to lay off the intercourse for a while or making me want to get me some…..I think I will go reflect on that for a while…..

6 08 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

@ The Doc… that’s more along the lines of what I mean. Caress my head, run your hands through my hair, don’t don’t try to direct or force my head.

6 08 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate
6 08 2008
The Doc Is In

Hhmm, I can’t agree or disagree. I’ve never had to have my head forced down there. A little nudge in the right direction and…

Anyhoo, later my good peeps! I”m home (and out of my clothes, LOL)…bout to go get this workout in and be ready to chill in time for Project Runway.

6 08 2008
Jen

I can most certainly relate to klysha. The comments related to this post are making my dusty vagina sad.

6 08 2008
Jen

Mr. T must be Terry Tate’s uncle.

6 08 2008

ahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahahahah

the way that yellow shorts wearing man is walking is HA-LARRY-US

6 08 2008
Sister Toldja

Shady, I love your entire list! OMG, the first 112 CD…it made me sad when they switched to all that uptempo crap! “Can I Touch You” and “Cupid”. Man, I hate being single.

I am all for wild and somewhat rough sex but do not grab my hair during head. No no no no no. Play in my hair, stroke my hair. Caress me gently. Do NOT grab my hair! I feel like you are taking me out the act, and ‘me’ don’t like headaches. I don’t mind a little light hair tugging during other times, but NOT during head.

6 08 2008
datswhatsup

I’ll take “dirty whore” over “HIV postive” any day! Give me the EXTRA LARGE box. Thanks!

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

I now know why I so wanted to be a part of the A Team… They get it!

🙂

6 08 2008
shabooty

All U.S. adults could be overweight in 40 years —

http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUSCOL66909620080806?feedType=RSS&feedName=healthNews&rpc=22&sp=true

5th paragraph down:
Already, she and her colleagues point out, some groups of U.S. adults have extremely high rates of overweight and obesity; among African- American women, for instance, 78 percent are currently overweight or obese.

6 08 2008
Muse

I bet there are tons of condoms at carnival LOL.

6 08 2008
Jen

“…Yoga, Pilates…make me mad! And when Mr. T gets mad, things get bad. You fools need to get wise about how real men exercise. Men lift weights. Men play contact sports. Men shouldn’t do anything in tight Lycra shorts.”

Mr. T

T then goes on to describe suckers (who use fake tans and facial cremes) and fools (who wear tight, skinny jeans).

LMAOOOOO

6 08 2008
B4Prez

Have a good one all….I’m off to the Kanye concert in a bit.

6 08 2008
BK24/7

Ha, I never did post about the original topic! Well back in the day in college, they were selling condoms 10 for a dollar. I haven’t been embarrassed since my teenage years buying them from the pharmacy, but I was embarrassed buying a pregnancy test one time. Why did I go buy the test? I got tired of the “I’m late, what if I’m pregnant?” convo. “Why haven’t you taken the test?” “I’m scared I might be pregnant!” I cannot stand that bullshit! If you don’t know, let’s not speculate. Thank god she wasn’t.

6 08 2008
tp2

I have upset myself reading these comments today…my sex/love life is non-existant…maybe I’ll be a whore and call someone tonight…*thinking* lol…

6 08 2008
Saun

Shabooty – If you go by the US dept of health standards most black women are born overweight.
Back in high school I ran competitve track year round, played basketball, weighed 155lbs, had 9% body fat and was still considered overweight by their standards.

6 08 2008
EJ

To add my two cents WAY too late

Dead Prez – Mind Sex

6 08 2008
tp2

EJ- you matter very much right now. Thank you for your submission.

6 08 2008
former lurker

we ain’t got to take our clothes off yet. we can burn an incense, and just chat…

6 08 2008
Lil'T

Get ready for some TMI, because we’re talking about 2 of my fav topics: sex and music. Here are my thoughts:

1. On Giving Head – Know who you are. You are DA MAN. I like you so much, I’m willing to put your pee-pee in my mouth. Grab a handful of hair and use it like an extra-sensitive joystick. As in, you can provide direction on a horizontal level, but keep the up-and-downs to a minimum. And wash your damn balls.

2. On Getting Head – Slobbering on my nethers is not a turn on. Keep the mouth action moist, but not dripping. That way you can tell better when she’s coming. Ladies, I don’t know if this ever happened to you, but I had a guy basically drool on my vagina and claim it was me coming. Never saw my butt nakid again. Vary speed, intensity and location. Don’t forget to play with my nips at the same time. If this seems like too much multi-tasking, try just rubbing my leg or something. Don’t be afraid to repeat this during a position change, it will eliminate that awkward re-entry now that she’s been chafing on your condom.

3. Ummm, I don’t remember what else was on my mind. Damn sex made me forget!

6 08 2008
Esquire

Ladies, I don’t know if this ever happened to you, but I had a guy basically drool on my vagina and claim it was me coming.

WHAT

THE

FUCK

I leave and actually be a really attorney today and you people lose your minds.

6 08 2008
Lil'T

Counselor,

That assumes we had our right minds to lose in the first place. I left mine at home today.

6 08 2008
EJ

@TP2 and Former – THAT’S MY SONG!

6 08 2008
Esquire

Saun,
I will agree with you to an extent…the white definitition of obese does not take into account that most african americans have more muscle mass…which means we are heavier.

BUT I do not and will not ever say that we are “big boned (ed)” I have yet to see a fat skeleton

6 08 2008
Esquire

“That assumes we had our right minds to lose in the first place. I left mine at home today.”

good point. I left my sanity in El Segundo a long time ago.

6 08 2008
former lurker

um, if a man drools on your vagina and claims it’s you coming, i can only imagine how whack his wang game is

6 08 2008
Randy Watson

Sexual Chocolate had to drive to 7-11 at 4am wearing a wife beaters, basketball shorts that were too small, dress socks and dress shoes and a fedora to cop a 3 pack to ensure that his sex was safe. Embarrassment? Nothing like the dude behind the counter and the two idiots sitting outside laughing at you until you smirk and tell em, well yeah, I’m bout to get me some lol…

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I hate “thick” black women. Most of them are just plain fat and claim this “thickness” is attractive. Now, I don’t mind a little extra, because Lord knows I’m no skinny minny, but when you are 5’5” and weigh over 150 and you don’t look like Serena Williams: you are FAT not “thick”

6 08 2008
Angry IV

@STONE: I figured that much, but what about now? It’s been nearly a week since we used an N-9 condom and she’s still experiencing some discomfort.

I told her she needs to get her stuff together and get her pill game back up to par so I can start dumping the skeet inside her raw again…there is no better feeling in the world than finishing completely raw inside your S/O, then pulling out and revealing no nasty, hanging end of a condom, HEHEHE.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

The ex-boyfriend used to drool on my vagina to lube it up a bit…

was that an overshare?

6 08 2008
puff

randy watson just made me laugh so hard, my stomach as well as my hips now hurt

6 08 2008
Amadeo

You know some of ya’ll get down to this and this

6 08 2008
puff

@ TH – yes, that was nasty…. and also brings a whole new meaning to squirting. the wet spot must have smelt very strange.

6 08 2008

“Ladies, I don’t know if this ever happened to you, but I had a guy basically drool on my vagina and claim it was me coming. ”

TELL ME IT WASN’T RAIN MAN

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I dunno puff…he always had minty fresh breath…

6 08 2008
Knatural

Oh.My.God.
Sooooooooo much TMI. Thanks Angry and TomatoHead!

6 08 2008
Lil'T

@ FL: whack wasn’t the word for it. There are very few times when a woman will just stop intercourse (we don’t like “almost” finishing, either), but that was one of them.

@Esq: I always considered muscle mass to be one of the blessings of being Black. I’m 5’5″, 165lbs and pretty much built like Jessica Rabbitt. One of my white girlfriends is 2 inches taller, 20lb lighter and looks a mess. I just don’t get it. It’s like their skin won’t hold their flesh up, and it all just sinks into bad places. Yuck.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Minty fresh breath….minty fresh wet spot, perhaps?

6 08 2008
puff

@ TH bwahahahaahahahaahaa oh my days that was hilarious… hmm, actually, mint on the spot must have been good…

i have such a gutter mind.

6 08 2008
Jen

Well, I am pretty much built like a white woman–a white woman with a little bit of an ass on her, but a white woman nonetheless. No real natural muscle mass, very soft, thin body. My ex always thought he was going to hurt me when we had sex. I gave him the “YOU NEED TO GET OVER THAT SHIT!!” talk more than once. Thanks for bringing my self esteem up a notch, Lil T!

6 08 2008
Lil'T

Ok, TH – your weight standards sound like you may have been drinkin’ massa’s kool-aid. Thickness implies an hourglass figure with some meat on it. And every time I have lost weight (I’m talkin not even close to 150) my ass has shrunk. Now, I’m more than a little attached to my ass. It was my burden in elementary and my boon for the rest of my life. As long as I can keep the waist and tummy slim I’ll keep my butt cheeks large and round.

6 08 2008
Lil'T

@ Jen – One of my best home girls has your style of physique going on. It’s kind of a Sade, thing – she is the most understatedly sexy woman and I’ve seen many brothers trip on her shmedium behind. Me, I’ve got a bit of a buh-dunk-a-dunk.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Yea…I’m built like a white lady too. I have no ass but now that I’m working out I have big thick thighs that I really do not like. Mostly because they don’t fit into my euro size 23 jeans anymore…*sigh*. I’m gonna start doing yoga and more cardio with less resistance to get my legs long and lean again.

Personally, that whole big ass/thighs thing is gross looking to me. 9 times out of 10 that “big ass” is a fat ass covered in cellulite

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

If your ass sticks out, and it doesn’t jiggle, you’re fine. That is typically a sign that its firm and you actually do squats in the gym and not at the kitchen table.

Glad to be able to re-join the conversation.

…I smell chicken.

6 08 2008
former lurker

@TH: get on an elliptical for bout 30 minutes with not too much resistance then hit the treadmill for bout 10 or 15 after that.

i’m not personal trainer, but i started doin that and my legs are lean and mean, and i didn’t think that was even possible.

my booty kinda shrunk though, but i still have enough for someone to grab

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

@ tomato….damn girlie, you’re smaller than I. I usually wear between a 25 and a 26…most recently a 26.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

I don’t do treadmills….they scare the living crap out of me.

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

@ lurker…the elliptical doesn’t do anything for me. I now use it as an occasional “i’m bored” in the gym thing on a high resistance…but I usually do calisthenics with free weights and resistance bands.

Pilates is awesome though. But nothing, and I mean nothing beats the track.

6 08 2008
Knatural

I’d rather have a smallish, tight ass than a big, jiggly, messy ass!

6 08 2008
vitazza

Ne’ that is awwwwwwffffuuuulllllll!!!!!!!

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

Man, I haven’t been in the gym in a week…I’m hoping that I get well enough to go tomorrow!

6 08 2008
Lil'T

Oh, TH – euro size 23? You really ARE built like a YT! Well, work that tiny ass out, girl. Pilates is really good if you’re looking for lean and sleek. Almost like a ballerina figure. I’ve gotten into ZUMBA, this little Latin-flavor aerobic workout at Bally’s. AWESOME! Music was great, built a good sweat, didn’t get too winded. But I have a background in dance and I’m sorta coordinated. Be warned, all in the class are not.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

You see, I don’t run. I have ginormous boobies that literally smack me in the face when I bounce up and down with my chin anywhere below parallel to the ground.

6 08 2008
Jen

What is the elliptical supposed to do? I did the elliptical plus dieting for a month after I had my baby and lost all but 5 pounds of my baby weight. (I basically lost 15 pounds in a month). Is that machine supposed to do anything other than burn calories?

6 08 2008
Jen

I hate you, Tomato. Cleavage = power! And I am utterly, utterly powerless.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

HAHAHAHA@Lil’T. Yea, I did ballet for three semesters and actually got really into it but had to quit because i couldn’t fit it into my schedule :(.

I love dance though. I do hip hop at the gym twice a week and salsa once a week at the gym. People in hip hop class are sooo hilariously uncoordinated.

And my tiny size is only because I have zero hips and I have a tiny tush. “A perfect handfulin each cheek” said he now ex-boyfriend.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Hey! There’s this new thing called “jogging” – or maybe it’s “yogging” – may be a soft J. Anyway, it’s free. All you need are proper shoes and old clothes.
I hate gym culture…

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Cleavage=wearing TWO sports bras to keep the girls in order.

6 08 2008
chaoticdiva

@ Jen…I don’t have boobies either…Why do you think I work at VS? duh…

But yea, salsa with someone from PR at a latin club…now THATS a workout…

6 08 2008
puff

@ TH oh my days you’re a 23? you’re so little! also, for the gym, do 30 minutes on the upright bike, then weight training on the birth machine/hip abductor/adductor. a month and a half of that and my thighs looked like they could strangle a full grown man…. in a good way.

i’m 5’9″, not much ass, an athlete’s body (i’m pretty much all muscle, my arms are ridiculous) and big boobs thanks to my mother. i like to kid myself that i’m built like a senegalese woman cos i’m tall and thin-ish, but it’s all lies… i’m in denial over missing out on the ass genes. 😦

6 08 2008
Lil'T

Hey TH – sounds like you may enjoy Zumba as long as you have a good bra. Not too much jumping up and down. See, I know how to look out for the tig-ole-bitties. My mom is the club president.

6 08 2008
Jen

“birth machine/hip abductor/adductor”

What is the proper name of this machine? I want thighs!!!!!

6 08 2008
vitazza

Knat… I agree with you but I still love the gym it should be free(or almost). Another thing that’s free is walking….not strolling but nearly running…gotta get those legs pumping

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

lol. I do a class at my school gym called “pure strength” and it’s led by this lady who is like, 2% body fat. And she always gives options during the “raise your heart rate” bits of the hour that don’t require jumping up and down excessively. I love her for that.

And again: tiny ass, no hips. Those are the reasons for the euro 23s.

6 08 2008
Knatural

I loved the abductor/adductor machine! And the quads press. Nothing wrong with thick thighs. And the Captain’s Chair, get those lower abs in order. Those were my favorites, but I hate the expense of gyms. Maybe I’ll rejoin during winter months…

6 08 2008
Amadeo

May I suggest a bike? No bouncing. I was in the best shape without trying the summer after high school from riding a bike all summer.

6 08 2008
puff

@ jen – lol it’s the hip abductor/adductor, but i call it the birthing machine cos your legs are in stirrups and you push/pull your legs together… i realise this is pretty much nothing like giving birth, but the first couple of times i used it, my legs were so sore i figured it was about equivalent. either which way, it’s fabulous for toning up your thighs.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Thankfully I’m still a student and my gym fees are all of 10 bucks for the semester. I also pay $60 for a full-size locker though. I’ve got all kinds of shit stashed in there…

6 08 2008
JG*

@Knat: LOL.. I love Anchorman references!!!

6 08 2008
puff

has any one ever done a body sculpting class? i dunno why, but i’m very tempted to sign up for one right now… i want to look sculpted, it sounds sexy.

6 08 2008
Jen

Okay, lets say I am an entirely out of shape and pathetically lazy woman who wishes to get in shape using the bike. How long should I be on the bike? Do the bike machines have settings? If so, which settings should I use to work out? I AM GOING TO WORK OUT TONIGHT. I promise–there is a gym just a few steps from my new apartment and there is no longer any excuse.

6 08 2008
JG*

Puff: It’s the ass kick of your life

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Jen: Do a program on a bike, either Fat Loss or Cardio. You should lose weight and get more toned IF you maintain a better diet (though I have no idea what yours is now)

6 08 2008
Amadeo

@ Jen

Damn that machine…an actual bike…I can’t knock the machine really, I just like to do my exercising out side, save for weights.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Yes Vitazza. Waking is great! When it isn’t humid here in DC I walk home from work, about 4 miles.
Gym fees just make me sick. My previous job would pay half the monthly membership ($40+) but now my current employer is a cheap ass.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

puff, yes i’ve done body sculpting classes. Pure Strength is a body sculpting class as well as Body Toning and let me tell you: those classes are no joke. But if you do everything and do everything right, you see results super-fast.

6 08 2008
vitazza

Amadeo….careful of the bike……..wonderful for the legs, thighs, gluts but, the deep breathing expands the… how do you say? the gut….unless you are doing ab work as well.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Bikes makes my ass hurt for days afterward. Anybody else?

6 08 2008
puff

@ jg – really? ass kick in the “it burns, but feels good” way or the “i don’t think i can walk/sit down/sleep for a week” way?

@ jen – i think short bursts of exercise on a machine (15 – 20 minutes) are more effective than staying on a treadmill for an hour, you don’t get bored and the little rests you give your muscles make sure you have enough energy to make the most of it. start off slow (say 30 – 45 minutes) so that your heart rates up and you’re breathing hard, but not so much that you’re wheezing, and gradually build up stamina. and do weight training! nothing will help get you in shape better.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

*make

6 08 2008
Jen

My diet used to be wonderful. Over the past month, I’ve been in super travel overload drive, so I’ve been eating out a lot lately.

For example, today, I ate a salad with buttermilk ranch dressing, brisket, cheddar cheese, bacon and iceberg lettuce. How you gonna have more animal products on a salad than veggies? Completely pathetic and only in Texas. It was good, though. LOL

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Jen dear….iceberg lettuce???

6 08 2008
former lurker

the elliptical has worked wonders for me. i play around with the various programs, but mostly do the fat burn and the arm blaster. it varies the resistance, and you’re working both your arms and legs. running bores me, which is why i can do no more than 20 mins on a treadmill, but i can’t run outside- neither on a track/concrete/astro-turf, it makes my legs and side cramp up like crazy

6 08 2008
Jen

I know.

I have never actually purchased this in a store. I don’t really eat salads, but when I make them at home, they are always spinach based. The only place near me around lunch was a BBQ place, and I figured the iceberg was better than a platter of sausage, brisket, potato salad and baked beans. Although, honestly, that sounds reeeeealllly good right about now.

6 08 2008
Randy Watson

Puff, lemme make it better…ill come over wearing just the dress socks and the fedora…and ill bring some of that hershey’s syrup, some of those strawberries, some of that yac, an egg beater, a color me badd cd and a garage door opener…and we can have us a session…

6 08 2008
vitazza

ya know everybody that I know who acually bike long and hard for exercise also drink sooooooo I guess my thought could be mute..
Knat I feel you exactly….. from my house to the old exxon terminal is 2.23 miles and I would go there and back with a club mix in my mp3 ……hot damn!!! A helluva workout!!

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

LOL. You know what? When i go home after doing pilates tonight, I am soooo getting myself some barbecue…either that or materials for a blue-cheese and steak salad. That shit has enough calories for 10 people in one salad. YUM.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Bethany is rearing her ugly head…she’s got me eating sour patch kids at work. At work dammit! I haven’t eaten candy since my birthday in March and now this whore is trying to sabotage my workouts. Making me think of making 1000 calorie salads….

6 08 2008
Jen

Is Bethany the inner fat girl?

6 08 2008
Knatural

Tell Bethany to calm down. Bertha has been on “time-out” for a minute. A few weeks ago I got on the train and was surrounded by at least six square-shape overweight Black woman. I got scared and quieted Bertha for a bit.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

Sadly, yes. I’ve kept her under control for the last three weeks but she saw Sour patch kids today in the student store and well….210 sugary carbs are going down my gullet.

6 08 2008
vitazza

Jen….I think everyone has you covered but you may try looking up on the SHAPE website the 30minute treadmill workout its hard but it will tone you

6 08 2008
Jen

I dunno if I can do hard, yet. In fact, I know I can’t. All I know is my inner fat girl. I have never not once had an inner fit girl.

6 08 2008
Knatural

Jen – what’s the inner fat girl’s name? We need names damnit. Names!

6 08 2008
puff

@ randy lmao i love you…

and i’m very curious as to what you can do with an egg beater and a garage door opener.

6 08 2008
Jen

Uh…the inner fat girl’s name is Jen. If I acquired an inner fit girl, SHE would be the alter ego. If I ever actually GOT fat, I would legally change my name to Bertha so that when my loved ones purchased the headstone subsequent to my suicide, there would be no confusion at the funeral.

6 08 2008
puff

in every fat girl there is an even fatter one trying to eat her way out.

mine is called shayida and she eats way too many cheesecake brownies, pounded yam and corn-syrup-laden chinese takeout. usually all at the same time.

6 08 2008
TomatoHead

My inner fit girl’s name is Shane. She’s unisex.

6 08 2008
Jazzyrae6

I worked @ 7-11 when I as younger and it never failed every single black man that came into the store wanted the Magnums…and alot of them got the “now you know you lying” full frontal side-eye….. but every once in a while one got the “that what it is ” smirk ….

6 08 2008
vitazza

my inner fat girls name is Dyslexia.. I like it she will be called Lexie

6 08 2008
vitazza

ya know not to be mean but there is a really fat lady sitting next to me and she is hurting my thigh

6 08 2008
ViK

Jen (22:30:36) :

“birth machine/hip abductor/adductor”

What is the proper name of this machine? I want thighs!!!!!

Be careful

6 08 2008
toddyenglish

Oh my god, I remember when I bought my first box of condoms! LOL. I went in dressed like a member of the Trench Coat Mafia (a black fedora, black trench coat, and dark sunglasses), which attracted MORE attention. The people were laughing at me as they rang up the condoms…LOL. Soooo embarressing.

6 08 2008
Ms. Sula

The Inner fat chick is Maddy… And she is really been pushing me not to go to the gym today and instead to compulsively click the refresh button…

Now she’s fighting Zoe, the Inner FIT girl who has us signed up for a half-marathon in November and dreading the effects of Maddy on our trip to South Beach in less than a month…

Ok, I guess I just settled the argument. No need to be carrying Maddy around in South Beach.

See you guys!

6 08 2008
ViK

I went to a Catholic college, so our health center not only didn’t have condoms, but our health center couldn’t distribute BC pills, even if they were for PPMD or some other problem.

Fig 1 – LOL!! They lock em up in the red states, hood or no hood. And good luck in Utah – I went to school with a guy who transferred from BYU. They made road trips to Nevada for condoms. LOL.

7 08 2008
Jen

@Vik – I am going to hell for laughing at that story. But, on the Catholic college bit…I HAD THE SAME FUCKING PROBLEM IN COLLEGE. I remember trying to get BC pills and being told to try Planned Parenthood.

7 08 2008
Jeresmom

I am not skinny, but I am not fat either. I have seen people my weight who don’t wear i, it would be for toning purposes only.

7 08 2008
Top Posts « WordPress.com

[…] Condoms There is perhaps no bigger pain in the ass than getting your hands on condoms once you get out of college. When […] […]

7 08 2008
Randy Watson

Puff – lets just say before I beat it to a nice frothy mixture, I can push all the right buttons and open up all the right doors 🙂

Sexual Chocolate baby, SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!

And when I cum I’m going to yell Shazam! Rip off my condom, throw it on the floor, stamp my foot and storm into the bathroom to take a shower! You comin?

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

Damn, I disappear for 1 hour to watch a friggin movie and we’re back on condoms???!?

7 08 2008
TomatoHead

OOO, what did you watch?

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

Freedom Writers…it was sooo effing good! I hope that org I was talking about achieves this purposing that the movie did…I’m getting things out here mobilized as is, so I’m soon to post details for those willing to start things up in their own neighborhoods…

7 08 2008
TomatoHead

That movie looked like a fluffy boring piece of shyte.

Last night I watched The Scorpion King. Quite possibly the only movie that can be summed up as: preposterous.

7 08 2008
Jeresmom

where did Shazam come from, lol

7 08 2008
Jeresmom

The Scorpion King was the worst

7 08 2008
TomatoHead

Hey Jeresmom, are you the mom of someone named Jeres?

7 08 2008
Jeresmom

Hey how’d you guess, lol

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

@ Tomato…I had no inkling to watch it (Hillary Swank bores me), but it happened to have been on while I was passing through my living room and it got interesting. I ended up glued to the set. Yea, it was a bit utopian, but shit, it was good.

Now only if we can get my little cousin to think that reading is cool from the movie…

7 08 2008
TomatoHead

I am just that fabulous.

By the way, If i have been saying anything bizarre, it’s because i haven’t been to sleep since about 6 am yesterday. These damn pills I’m taking have caffeine in them and have kept me up for ages. I’m swaying at my desk here.

Time to get the doctor to adjust the MEDS!!!!!

7 08 2008
Jeresmom

the way to get a kid to think something is exciting is to do it yourself. But you gotta do this at an early age before they realize that adults are full of shit who know nothing

7 08 2008
TomatoHead

I thought reading was cool from reading rainbow. and my big sister was an avid reader and she taught me how to read before I got into kindergarten so I was light years ahead of everyone else.

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

lol @ jeresmom….he’s 10, so thats getting to be a bit tough.

In other news, I can see myself back on those creepy meds because I’m having another weird ass outbreak of random hives….

7 08 2008
anjiebaby

I stopped at the gas station near my fiancee’s house once and bought some condoms. The cashier was Indian, and I had to ask him to get the specific box of the ones I wanted, “No, no, not the vanilla, the purple box, studded for *her* ones . . .”

I think he was super embarrassed. He puts them in this neat little brown paper bag for me. The dude behind me in line was like, “Damn shawty! They don’t never wrap ’em up all nice like that for me!”

My fiancee and I enjoy going to the ghetto Super Walmart, at like 2am. The condoms are locked up in the front by the register, which is the ONLY register open so the line is super long. Once again, I ask the cashier for a specific type “Not that color, lavender please . . .” which holds up the line even more.
She rings up every thing: condoms, “massage oil”, baby wipes and maybe some Doritos at 2 o’clock in the morning. We are killing ourselves trying to hold in the laughter.

7 08 2008
Jeresmom

Oh 10, well he’s way too old, lmao

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

…I was just talking with people about how when we were younger (@ Tomato, who I’m assuming is around my age), we had things like reading rainbow, ghostwriter, carmen sandiago, and other shows that were education oriented, yet still cool to watch.

Now the popular shows for teens and tweens include teen pregnancy, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc…I mean shoot, we know that we did some off kilter stuff when we were 15, but we never publicized it. Yea, there was Dawsons Creek, but back then, the shit they did was soo taboo.

By the way, does anybody remember the show Popular?

7 08 2008
TomatoHead

I loooooved Popular. but the second season was shit. They should have stuck with the silly blondes vs brunettes humor

and the two main characters, whenever they were talking about “serious stuff” would always get frog voices and talk at their lowest possible register from the backs of their throats. They sounded like they were croaking their lines, yuck.

And the guy with leukemia? Henry on Ugly Betty. Loves him!

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

@ Tomato…I didn’t even realize thats who that was!!! I knew he looked familiar!!!

By the way, word is Henry’s not going to be on this season. He made me soooo mad knocking up Charlie. I want her to hook up with Gio sooo bad because he’s cute after he cleaned up!

Ugly Betty is my show!!!! Too bad they’re booting Gabrielle Union…her character and Daniel were too cute a couple!

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

…but back to Popular…remember how innocent everything was? Like the big girl being picked on b/c she couldn’t be a cheerleader, etc? The stuff that goes on in real suburban high schools…lol.

7 08 2008
Choco_Gnome

so yo….anyone try those Kimono Micro Thin condoms?

http://www.slate.com/id/2114132/

Or these Crown “Skinless” Condoms?

http://www.condomdepot.com/reviews/best-condoms.cfm
She Thinks – So thin that she feels closer to her lover. No nasty latex smell makes sex better.

*looks around….
….orders some online*

7 08 2008
MiracleMax

Its not that condoms are embarrissing to buy, its that they are so god damn expensive. No wonder people dont get them, they are 7.50 for regular pack, and 14.50 for economy pack, and everytime you go the smallest amount box is always gone, so your forced to spend 4 bucks more for more condoms then you need. And why do they all say large? to make the guy feel better? everyone knows large really means small, because they dont have a “small” size. So i suggest getting the EXTRA EXTRA HUGE MEGA GIANT SUPERMAN condoms, because those are the real larges, and it also says “black only” on the box, hmm.

7 08 2008
Social Book

Condoms really smell like hell and are uncomfortable to use.

7 08 2008
xennova

7 08 2008
riz

Okay, I was outta the lube today, but I am heading to NYC for a week, as of 08/07, so any SBPH’ers out there, please holla… My friends have to work during the weekday, so I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. Hit me up on Facebook (C.Diva has the info).

And after that, I’m going to the Great White North: Canada. I’ll be in Calgary and Winnipeg, so all ya’ll up there DEF hit me up because I know it’s been a hot minute since you’ve seen a black face. I’m even renting a car, so I can be omnipresent.

Yay.

Okay, so I hope that Muse has an amazing time in Egypt and I hope that C.Diva rocks her delegate status and I hope that Chris tries polyrethane condoms and double checks that Girlie is on the pill and that Amadeo keeps kicking extra knowledge because he is dope and that Omar stays hilarious because he is….

But more importantly, I hope that I make this red eye flight. Sigh.

7 08 2008
Bubbly

This is why before I got married, we’d go to Sam’s Club and buy them in bulk. Three big ass boxes with like 40-something, I think. Glad this isn’t an issue anymore.

7 08 2008
Johnny

Great hilarity and insight as always! I’m glad I’m gay, though, and don’t have to go through those limited channels of getting condoms as straight men do – at least as illustrated in this post. And when I do go to the pharmacy, I usually don’t have those anxieties about buying them or lube (yes, some CVS stores sell lubricate marketed for gay men).

7 08 2008
Amadeo

Let’s play a game…which comments were not written by black people? I bet no one will ever guess.

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

@ amadeo…proof that there was hundreds of years of inbreeding…

@ Riz…have a safe trip!!! Definitely have fun in Canada and NYC…if you hit Windsor, be sure to drop me a line, I’ll come out and hang with you!

7 08 2008
7 08 2008
Amadeo

Tell me dude at least got a conjugal visit in first?

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

I figure we should just ignore it, and not pay them any mind….so not worth it.

And if it were Creole, they would probably still be discussing my vajayjay. It’s probably some disgruntled 2520 who had an unfortunate run in with a 50 Cent imitator.

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

…but yea…the man killed somebody and bribed the courts to feed him with garbage before he plead guilty?

smh.

7 08 2008
Amadeo

My thing is…he should have gone high class.

No wine selection? How about a nice Riesling, some Chilean Sea Bass topped with plum tomatoes and shallots. If I get a meal of my choice before I going to jail…I want something that will make the Warden reconsider his dinner for the night.

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

…true.

7 08 2008
Jeresmom

I was like WTF when I saw those comments. Then it was quiet for like 2 hours, go me worried. I am sooooooo mad at that ass asking for Popeye’s chicken.

7 08 2008
Jeresmom

*got

7 08 2008
Jo

It’ll be the slowest state-sponsored execution in history.

How did he die?

Chicken wings.

Buckets and buckets of chicken wings.

7 08 2008
Jen

Well, if Popeyes is what makes his panties wet, he should ask for it. Maybe he ain’t got ya’ll’s fancy-pants taste buds.

7 08 2008
Amadeo

Even Hannibal Lector enjoyed a nice Chianti and fava beans with his human liver.

7 08 2008
Jen

*googles Chianti*

Well, I guess I’m just a Neanderthal (no Geico) because I wouldn’t want any damn Chianti. To me, all alcohol tastes how I imagine yucky backwoods liquor tastes to most people. It causes me to crinkle up my nose and purse my lips. NOT A GOOD LOOK ON YOUR WAY TO PRISON.

Maybe patrician food tastes the same way to him. You know…because of the lack of Canola.

7 08 2008
Amadeo

I think he might be like one of my clients that considers “RED” a flavor of beverage.

7 08 2008
STONE

@Angry: Mayhap its the latex.

Nothing worse than an irritated cooch…ugh!

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

1. The man bought an ice cream truck, and then decided that he didn’t want to be the ice cream man.

2. He spent money to go locate and murder the person that he bought the truck from…in Colorado.

Screams inbred 2520 to me…

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

…you know what, we were just discussing this. And now the 2520’s are even noticing:

http://bellasugar.com/1848313

7 08 2008
LEO

i’M BORED

7 08 2008
Yonnie 3k
7 08 2008
Jen

@Yonnie – This better not be behind civil perjury charges. Because going to jail or even trial behind that is un-fucking-heard of.

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

@ Yonnie’s article, and for the others who really don’t know what goes on in Detroit and surrounding areas:

ITS NOT THE FUCKING MAYOR THAT NEEDS TO GO, ITS THE FUCKING CITY COUNCIL.

They make up scandals on EVERY mayor (20 years and counting), so they can cover up their dirt. Note how the Feds are probing them.

7 08 2008
chaoticdiva

…sorry, my inner bitch was released around 3 am after telling those fucking children to shut the hell up.

8 08 2008
Steven

Check out OneCondoms.com, they are available online and are beginning to be distributed at drug stores like CVS and Walgreens. They are top quality and are even available online in a 50-pack for those we wish to make fewer awkward trips down THAT aisle.

8 08 2008
cao

Ok this is the first time I finally summoned the courage to post. The female condom is like a ring they stick up there so you do it raw but it secretes spermicides to kill the sperm if you accidentally nut… lol. They are better than latex but everyone pretty much knows latex is the safest. Oh by the way real off topic but I think tomatohead has lovely dimples. 😀

9 08 2008
bluedoll

Oral sex:

DON’T push my head down to indicate you want me to ‘rock the mic’. We’re grown; ask for it.
DON’T shove the mic into my throat, I have to actively control the gag reflex and that takes a minute
DONT bite ‘the little man in the boat’. I will kick you in the middle of your damn forehead.

DO lick, suck
DO play with the nipples.
DO talk dirty.

I am a dirty whore in my other life.

15 08 2008
ViK

Males – would you try this?

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