Essence Magazine

1 08 2008

Last night I went with Shabooty to some random ass concert at Bohemian Caverns in DC*. There were a lot of odd things about this event: the first two singers with voices like long-tailed cats in a room full of rocking chair, Shabooty reminding me of his bizarre attraction to extremely skinny women, girls running around with red flashing LEDs all over their bodies confusing my drunken eyes, and some random dude that kept calling me ‘Earl’.

There was one thing about it, however, that was absolutely fantastic: it was full of black women, and nearly every single one of them was wearing her hair naturally.

Figure 1: This is decidedly un-natural, but you get the idea

There’s nothing better than an oasis of fine ass (literally and figuratively) black women happily embracing their blackness. I was unfortunately pulled right back down into the wonderful world of tacit negroid self-hate when I woke up this morning looking through the Essence Magazine website for King James’ “Do Wrong Man” article and instead stumbled across another article: Sexy Summer Hair.

I could have easily predicted that, of the 26 styles shown in the photo gallery, most of them would feature straight hair. I was floored, however, when I discovered that the article featured NOT ONE natural hairstyle. NOT ONE, DUDE! NOT A SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING ONE!

For a very long time, I assumed that Essence Magazine was a hybrid style/celebrity mag geared at least somewhat toward celebrating blackness. After reading through the hair and several other articles, however, I quickly came to the realization that the purpose of Essence Magazine is to subliminally lull black women into vacuous celebrity worship while abandoning all the trappings of their actual blackness with the exception of their skin color and, of course, Essence Magazine itself.

Warning: The rest of this post is based on no facts in particular.

Essence Magazine was started in 1984 when Bob Johnson skeeted on the back of a white woman. The skeet dripped off her back and onto a copy of Black Enterprise magazine – which 24 hours later had magically, but not surprisingly, turned into Essence Magazine.

Figure 2: Whore.

The magazine then came to life, went back in time, killed Martin Luther King Jr., and started the Watts Riots. It then jumped back into the present, and somehow managed to recruit turncoat negroes to write additional issues of the rag, most of which were dedicated to convincing black women that they were ugly if they didn’t adopt Euro-American hairstyles . Somehow, this continued for several decades until 2008, when Essence decided that it wasn’t making Black people look quite retarded enough.

In order to better explore uncharted territory of self-hate, Essence created what many experts** consider to be the ugliest and most visually confusing website in the history AND future of the World Wide Web. Lebron James saw the website one day, and completely lost his fucking mind.

Figure 3: Lebron attempting to spite Essence, but in actuality supporting it

Essence Magazine is currently lobbying to overturn Roe v. Wade, Brown v. The Board of Education, Lincoln v. Douglass, and Marvel v. Capcom.

Fuck Essence Magazine. That is all.

* This was after getting nicely toasted at Asia Nine. Shabooty, while usually a notorious moocher, definitely came through last night. His boy hooked us up at Asia Nine with a white russian, blue motorcycle, six shots of extremely expensive sake, four incredible hulks, and two red snappers…and refused to let us pay for any of it. We drank all this in under 20 minutes. By the time we stumbled into Bohemian Caverns, I was convinced that I was Batman.

** Me