It would seem that vegan organizations have recently come into an awful lot of money. Everywhere I go, I am noticing vegan ads – almost all of which feature images of dirty chickens for some damn reason – all over public transportation billboards from D.C. to Chicago.
The most recent of these fucking ads had a picture of a hen sitting in a cage with its wing over a semi-adorable chick, with a caption that read “This is what a wing is for.”
The obvious incorrectness of the caption sent me into a rage. Clearly, chicken wings are meant for one purpose and one purpose only (the point is further expounded by this song):
Figure 1: THIS is what wings are for.
I was dicking around on the internet and came across this definition of veganism:
“[T]he word “veganism” denotes a philosophy and way of living which seeks to exclude — as far as is possible and practical — all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing or any other purpose; and by extension, promotes the development and use of animal-free alternatives for the benefit of humans, animals and the environment. In dietary terms it denotes the practice of dispensing with all products derived wholly or partly from animals.”
Veganism – and its refusal to use the animals our Creator(s) put here for the purpose toward which they were created – is an affront to God, Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, Krishna, and Chuck Norris. There is evidence all around us that animals are indeed for eating:
1. All animals eat other animals. Even deer eat bugs and shit when they’re chowing down on grass and berries and whatever the fuck else they eat. A deer will also rape you and, if successful, eat you*.
2. All the animals that matter eat meat. Animals that matter include sharks, big cats, tyrannosaurs, killer whales, birds of prey, wolves, and bears. Nobody would watch the Discovery channel if it included programs about herbivorous animals that weren’t being eaten or about to be eaten by carnivores, and there’s a damn good reason for it.
3. Animals are delicious. If we weren’t supposed to eat them, then God would have made them taste like vagina. He also wouldn’t have invented hot sauce.
To not eat meat is to say that you’re better than all God’s creatures, humans don’t matter, and God doesn’t know how to satisfy the human palette. Basically, you’re saying you know more than the Almighty – and you know damn well he isn’t gonna stand for that shit. Stalin and any given vegan stand about an equal chance of going straight to hell.
I had a conversation with a vegan a couple of years ago. This person cited the fact that animals are ‘creatures of value’ and therefore have a set of basic rights. Though she was correct in this position, her position does not preclude me from eating animals for the following reason:
Figure 2: Animal entitlement (click to enlarge)
As proven in the work above, animals are only entitled to liberty. It doesn’t say anything about my ability to kill them, eat them, make furniture and clothing out of them, and enjoy stuff like this. It may rightfully preclude people from eating animals that are caged and confined, but I don’t have that problem. Almost all of the meat in my diet consists of field-hunted deer and free-roaming beef, so I’m not violating any principles of liberty when I go home tonight and cook my venison French rack.
Vegans will be used for fuel on SBPH Airlines.