Airports

15 07 2008

I just love a nice maddening experience at the goddamn airport. I love the airport because, like most people, I don’t want to live forever and I’m on a perpetual hunt for ways to hasten my inevitable doom without having to pull the trigger personally.

Figure 1: Are you ready to get mad?

Fun at the airport starts when you arrive at the check-in counter. This part is the most enjoyable of the entire experience because you get to pick your poison:

  • E-Check-In: there are dozens of little booths that let you punch in a confirmation number, scan a passport, or use some other means for the computer to look up your flight and either a.) print out your tickets and send you on your way, or b.) tell you that your motherfucking flight has been canceled for no goddamn reason, so you can go stand your monkey ass in line with all the people who are doing…
  • Standard Check-In: this is a line full of people who are trying to figure out why the hell their flights are canceled, people who can’t fly anywhere without taking everything they’ve ever owned with them, or people who fit neither criteria and are too dumb to realize that you can just use E-Check-In. In other words, the Standard Check-In line, which is always at least 5 nautical miles long, is filled with people who are angry, high-maintenance, or just downright retarded.

Figure 2: Hopeless

Next we make our way to the security checkpoint which is the greatest harbinger of impending American macro-level failure you will ever find anywhere outside of West Virginia (unless, of course, you’re actually in an airport in West Virginia – which you’re about as likely to find as a psych ward in an animal hospital).

If you’ve ever wanted a front row seat to human stupidity, you can use the 40 – 60 minutes you’ll spend in the security line observing the behavior of both passengers and TSA employees, which will almost certainly include people doing the following:

  • Showing up without ID to verify their identity on the boarding pass to the TSA gatekeeper
  • Taking off one shoe but not the other before going through the metal detector (I cannot believe this shit actually happened yesterday)
  • Trying to send shit like gallons of orange juice through the X-ray detectors, then being forced to drink the whole thing before proceeding
  • TSA employees allowing really really suspect shit (like the 8 rolls of quarters I had in my bookbag for some reason) to pass through screening without a second thought
  • Walking through the metal detector, setting it off with their belts, removing said belt, and walking back through the metal detector WITH THE BELT IN THEIR HANDS, thus setting off the metal detector again

Figure 3: More hopeless than Figure 2

If you manage to get through these first two hoops without killing yourself/others, you get to take a nice long walk to wherever the hell your terminal and gate are. And when I say ‘long walk’, I really mean ‘death march’. Whereas the security line is ripe with the consequences of people being stupid, the march to the terminal is teeming with the consequences of Americans being inordinately fat. Here are some of the little trinkets you’ll encounter during your stroll through Bataan:

1.) Huge crowds of slow-moving motherfucking people. There are few things on the planet more annoying than a bunch of fat fucks walking around at 2.3 mph because they don’t know where the hell they’re going, so they feel the best thing to do is corral themselves and their plump ass kids in the middle of the hallway, take up as much room as possible (which is very easy to do when you’re a fat fuck), and waddle around looking at airport signs with an expression on your face like you’re reading the instruction manual for the international fucking space station.

2.) People standing on the conveyor belts. Wherever there is a long straightaway between concourses, there are conveyor belts that help people get from one end to the other in a more timely fashion. At least, that’s what they were designed for. What actually happens, however, is that fat motherfucking people use these belts as a place to park their giant Metal-Gear sized asses and think about what they’re going to eat in five minutes without being hindered by the monumentally difficult task of putting one foot in front of the other. This forces you to abandon the conveyor belt and sprint unassisted down the long hallway as you pass fat fucks on the conveyor belt breathing heavily because, though they don’t have to walk, they still have to stand up.

Figure 4: SBPH Airport

You’re relatively safe once you get to your gate. Usually the worst thing you’ll encounter here is some selfish bitch lying down stretched out across three seats even though the gate is insanely crowded and there’s a group of orphans with bone cancer standing next to her with no place to sit. The horror starts right back up, though, when boarding begins.

It’s amazing how few airlines board planes from rear to front. If you board a plane from rear to front, that would seem to prevent a logjam of people with rear seats waiting for idiots with front seats who seem to find it inexplicably difficult to stick their stupid bag in the overhead in under 5 seconds. Honestly, WHY THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE PEOPLE 120 SECONDS TO STICK A BAG IN AN EMPTY SPACE?!?!?!?!? On SBPH Airlines, flight attendants will be armed with pistols that they will use to kill anyone that takes more than 10 seconds to get in their damn seats once they’ve found their row.

Once in your seat, you will almost certainly find yourself sitting next to someone that fits one of the following criteria:

  1. Smells awful
  2. Looks awful
  3. Will not stop talking

The most effective way to silence this person is to start reciting passages from the Koran in an Arabic accent while rubbing your hands together and looking around nervously/angrily.


Figure 5: It helps to look like this

You’re then free to entertain yourself by looking out the window and watching airport attendants needlessly bodyslam people’s baggage onto the conveyor belts that relay the shit into the plane.

The rest of your trip will be enjoyable. I hear that the baggage claim can be a pain in the ass, but I wouldn’t know since I’m a heterosexual male and, unless I’m actually moving to another city, refuse to carry so much shit with me that I actually need to check a bag. If you have a bad experience at the baggage claim, you probably deserve it.

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568 responses

15 07 2008
Bassey

ha! As someone who travels as part of my job, this was brilliant. During touring season, I’m in an airport/airplane at least twice a week. When I was on tour with DPJ, a few years back, I was flying on average 5 times a week.
Also, I had a nervous breakdown.

B.
PS. What is up with airports and their attempts at science fiction decor? Figure 4 reminded me of that! If it’s not some lights that change colors when you walk by them? or some camera that makes little umbrellas follow you… why the fuck?? Why don’t you save your high tech interior decorating and hire some more competent people?

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

ahh shaddap about that baggage claim. I have to carry more than 1 pair of undies with me and unfortunately mulitple shoes since the airnazis make me remove them during flight. And I’m not throwing out my expensive hair stuff b.c. its more than 1 tablespoon. I have a fantastic teflon coated bag that is baby blue so just in case SBPH stewardesses start shooting i can hide behind it and be safe. And then its easy to recognize in baggage claim amongs the miles and slow miles of identical black rollybags with the occaisional bodybags or why the fuck did you think it was cute to fly with all your belongings in 2 garbage bags and a cardboard box covered in duct tape. Also I’ll add that fatasses gravitate to the very edge of the baggage pickup area no matter if they’re shit is not even on this flight and some little old lady is trying to retrieve her starving cat from the turnstile as it passes right by fatass who wont move and will let the cat circle around until it dies while grabbing at random black bags realizing its not theres and either hiding it on the side so the person who owns it will never find it or demonstrating great feats of strength by hurling it disgustedly back onto the cat carrier thus killing the cat and spreading fur and blood across everyone elses bags in the vicinity.
It’s really quite special to watch. you should never miss it.

15 07 2008
maya

I have often told myself that the horrors I encounter at baggage claim have everything to do with the fact that I pack and obnoxious number of shoes. It’s travel karma.

It’s amazing how airlines are making passengers pay for basic things now, though – food, movies, TO CHECK YOUR FUCKING BAG. Also interesting is how easily a big ole bottle of lotion I had got through undetected.

The failure of US security is no more evident than it is at the airport. Instead of doing real police work as they do in other countries, Americans are told to buy expensive-ass airport beverages and have ashy elbows the whole flight.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

Which is why so many people look like they’ve just spent 2 years as a colombian POW when they get off a plane. If they had been allowed water, lotion and more than 3 pretzels they would be a healthier color.

15 07 2008
Caribbeanbaby

Hilarious! And so true.

15 07 2008
Bassey

I also travel with at least 6 pairs of shoes and triple the amount of clothes necessary for an overnight trip. Because you never know when you’ll be invited to a gala or a pick up basketball game with your future husband or if Global warming will make winter in Minnesota suddenly feel like Summer in Hawaii. You have to be prepared for all of this…
and also, if you’re invited to prom for some reason.
Yup. Makes sense to me.

15 07 2008
Sandybaby

I tend to overpack because of, you guessed it, SHOES. Luckily I’ve had no drama in baggage claim. Let’s hope it stays that way.

This post was hilariously accurate!

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

dead@ fig. 4

15 07 2008
benjie

i hate to fly
so i tend to avoid airports at all costs.

unless of course the vacation promises to be filled with booze and debauchery…

then i’m drunk and on the next flying metal deathtrap.

…so i’m kinda too wasted to notice things like this.
lol.

15 07 2008
Angry IV

“It’s amazing how few airlines board planes from rear to front. If you board a plane from rear to front, that would seem to prevent a logjam of people with rear seats waiting for idiots with front seats who seem to find it inexplicably difficult to stick their stupid bag in the overhead in under 5 seconds. Honestly, WHY THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE PEOPLE 120 SECONDS TO STICK A BAG IN AN EMPTY SPACE?!?!?!?!?”

One of the thing that pisses me off more than a majority of things in this world. It’s not that hard – the overhead bins are already open, and you don’t even have to close it. Grab, Lift, Place, Sit. It’s that simple.

The other thing that pisses me off for some reason, are the assholes that take off their seatbelts and stand up as soon as the plane gets to the gate, effectively creating the EXACT SAME logjam to exit the plane. Why can’t they just wait for the seatbelt sign??? FOLLOW THE RULES!

15 07 2008
Lindsay

Overpacker [not so] anonymous here.

I’m also guilty of packing too many shoes, and clothes, and underwear (you can never pack enough underwear…and it’s better to have too much than too little…which is why I pretty much empty my underwear drawer into my suitcase).

Haven’t had a problem with baggage claim even though I have a big nondescript black roll-y suitcase.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

Yes, also always carry a pair of underwear in your purse. Just in case.

Also that is why people tease me about my bigass suitcase but when it rains, or we get invited to the club, or come to find out the hotel has a pool and a gym, or tennis courts are nearby, or we get invited to a fancy restaurant, or a heel breaks on the way to the ball, or your pants split unexpectedly in public, or you cut your arm on a poisionous frog, or your strapless bra doesnt work and you need boobytape, or come to find out its muddy, or your bottle of lotion explodes in your bag, or fuck it your bag is on its way to the caymen islands when you’re in st. louis, or the sink explodes and you need a screwdriver to fix it quickly, or the water all turns out the be brown, or you’re hungry in the middle of the night and they’ve stopped overpriced roomservice, or you need to find a night spot and directions to it, or want to take advantage of the internet special at a spa, they look to me and my packratitis in jealousy.

Always prepared, just like a boy scout. However packing 2 tennis rackets when going to costa rica during the rainy season was annoying.

15 07 2008
ninabrown

great post! couldn’t agree with you more! no wonder i always get the bee-gee’s before flying. not because i’m scared, because of the bullshit via boarding i will have to endure.

glad to know ur alive!

15 07 2008
stuffgirlslike

That is not a Muslim that is a Shikh with a turban, after 9/11 they were harassed by the public because they were mistaken for Muslims.

Airports are a nightmare these days.

http://stuffgirlslike.wordpress.com

15 07 2008
Saun

The best things ever invented are online check-in, carry-on luggage, and travel size toiletry containers. I have perfected the art of interchangeable shoe/outfit combos such that everything fits into 1 bag. Baggage claim is like purgatory. I don’t even bother with belts, watch, etc before I go to the airport. I just through it in the carry-on. Given the fact that I have never had a flight leave on time from O’hare I’ve learned to just keep my bag with me. It makes it easier to do stand-by or switch flights.

On the plane, I always get either a person that doesn’t understand that earphones mean I can’t hear you or don’t want to(I will put them in my ear with the Ipod turned off), OR the loud ass untrained monkey children that have never seen the back side of a hand and want to kick my chair or scream while mommy lets little Timmy run rampant. I’m good for saying “get your kid before I do”.

15 07 2008
sarah

i have a fear of falling, so i have never flown in an airplane. and its a good thing i see, since air travel is going down the shitter.

give me a train ticket and i’m good.

15 07 2008
Esquire

People standing on the conveyor belts.

GUILTY AS CHARGED. But Im a skinny lazy fucktard. At least I stand to the side.

I also pack an insane amount of underwear, but for a woman, I pack pretty lightly. I wear the same jeans all weekend, bring sneakers for the hotel treadmill, and a pair of bad ass pumps that match the majority of outfits. Women, we need to slow down on the travel shoes. lol No one’s looking but other women anyway.

15 07 2008
Tiger

Can you please comment on both the recent “Oreo” comment about Obama, and maybe the New Yorker cover? I’m actually more pissed about the Oreo comment. Where the hell do people get off saying one is “black on the outside but white on the inside”!!?? I’m sorry, is it because Obama is successful in politics that he must be white on the inside? You gotta rant about it so I can post a link on my facebook page and all my white friends can read it!!!

15 07 2008
Worf

I Hope they start charging obese people extra for flying per pound. I sat next to some tub-o-lard for 14 hours nonstop. Now I can’t feel my legs

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

Oh sorry, forgot my favorite airport game. Fatass bowling on the treadmills*. Pretend like you’re in a big rush and run down every walking treadmill you see. Any fatass or fatasscrotchfruit gets knocked down. Don’t have to apologize, you were in a rush. Fatassbowling, see how many you can take out.

*why do you stand on these things???????? they honestly move slower than walking. if you were speedwalking next to someone walking on these you still would go faster.

15 07 2008
klysha

LMAO! This so freaking accurate! And as a female I can say without shame that baggage claim just adds that extra something to your flight experience. The last time I flew which was 4th of July weekend my flight had to circle the airport in ATL for like 45 minutes waiting for permission to land due to apparent torrential downpours on the ground…(but my brother who was 5 minutes away from the airport said it wasn’t even raining…go figure). They circled us around so long that our pilot came on and said we’d have to divert to Columbus GA to refuel. So we flew to Columbus, refueled, and flew back to ATL which caused everyone on the plane to miss their connecting flight. Which of course resulted in my bag not making it on the flight that I got on. So I got the extended experience of waiting for this guy with limited English speaking ability from the airline to bring my bag to me at 3 AM. Due to the language barriers I wound up outside in my pajamas flagging the guy down at 3:30 to guide him to my place….ahhh flying…nothing like it.

http://www.mysixcents.wordpress.com

15 07 2008
Tiger

Oh, and about this post, I totally agree. Some stupid isht I’ve encountered in airports:

The gate area is awful.

Not only is there that bitch who’s stretched out over three seats, but there are wannabe rent-a-corperate-no-name-fake-ass-CEOs all over the place, yapping on their trios trying to pretend they’ve got a huge business deal when you know they’re talking to their answering machine or 1-800-DIAL-A-COMPLIMENT.

I hate these people. Especially the ones who keep yapping to “their client” about a “big case” when you know if it was a real lawyer who had a noteworthy case, he/she wouldn’t be screaming privileged information over the friggin phone in an AIRPORT. (I’m an attny so this pisses me off).

Or how about those people who buy Taco Bell or some other smelly ass food product JUST BEFORE they get on the plane so they can sit NEXT to you and open up their smelly bag of crap. Not only do I HATE the smell of greasy ass food in a confined space like a plane, but I hate having to listen to some big butt person NOSH/chew on some food in my EAR.

15 07 2008
Jo

I, like Saun, pack so that most of my clothing is interchangeable. I usually pack a pair of good, black pumps (cause they go with just about everything), and clothing that requires minimal ironing/prep. And I always wear a dress and slip-on shoes to the airport. This ensures maximum comfort and ease going through the security check.

15 07 2008
Landon

1. I am with Chris — I refuse 2 check in a bag (EVEN MORE SO NOW BECAUSE THEY CHARGE MONEY NOW)…
a. for a 4 day trip to St. Croix all I needed was a backpack. 5 pairs of underwear check, 5 pairs of socks, 5 wife beaters, 5 assortment tee shirts, 2 bathing suits, 2 pair of shorts, 1 pair of slacks, 1 dress shirt, 1 pair of dress shoes, 1 pair of sandals(in outside pocket of bag), notebook, camera, i pod, book to read on plane, asthma medication, passport. Plus I was wearing Jeans tee-shirt and a pair of kicks. One Book bag that can fit in the overhead compartment or under my seat. — PRICELESS..

MY Girlfriend for same said trip – A BAG BIGGER THEN HER that she has to check in… she brought 6 pair of shoes (WHAT THE FUCK) Talking about gold, silver and black sandals to match her outfits… really i thought black went with everything… Mind you we will be on the beach 4 of the 4 days and we usually only go out once maybe twice at the most. St. Croix is not exactly the place you need to dress up to go places… Because when you do dress up you look like a FUCKING TOURIST which usually means they will try to ROB YOU!
So back to her – she decides to pack then ENTIRE H & M Store… SHe has a check in bag, a carryon bag and a fucking PURSE THE SIZE Of a midget… And of course you know I am the one who is hustling thru the airport carrying this SHIT!!!! Men looking at me like i am AN ASSHOLE, so i make sure i point to my bag and say this is only mine… everything else is hers…. GUYS respond with a nod as they are usually carrying all their wife’s shit also. Of course when we get to security my GF forgets to put her makeup and SHIT in a lil plastic bag because apparently ZIP LOCK bags have this POWER TO STOP LIQUID EXPLOSEVES from BLOWING UP PLANES APPARENTLY – DIDNT FUCKING KNOW!!! Then when they try to throw out her 100 dollars worth of makeup she GOES BRONX DOMINICAN on them and i have to hold her back b4 the TSA agents decide We both need an ANAL CAVITY SEARCH just for raising out tones (does not help we are brown skin), so now we have to get a MIRACLE plastic bag for her makeup. Because of her delay i am now sprinting with all her carryon luggage and my lil back pack running like OJ in that old HERTZ commercial, stiff arming lil old ladies out the way and running over lil white kids on leashes for extra points. DODGING FAT PEOPLE is NOT FUN but it gets me in shape for FLAG FOOTBALL season. We finally get on the plane packed in nice and tight… and what happens we are delayed, but instead of letting us stay at the terminal where it is nice and cool and can move around we are stuck on the tarmac with no AC and limited drinks!!!!!

AS YOU CAN TELL I WOKE UP A LIL ANGRY TODAY>.. Sorry for writing too damn much!

15 07 2008
Knatural

AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA…Figs. 4 & 5. Thanks for posting.
I always wondered about the boarding procedure – why not board rear to front? Oh, yeah. Because that makes sense.
Almost everytime I’ve traveled since 9/11, I’ve been searched by TSA. I guess the hair makes me look like a terrorist?

15 07 2008
Jo

@Knat: Well, looking at the way the New Yorker went about depicting Michelle Obama, it appears that anyone with natural hair is immediately a suspect.

15 07 2008
ayo

BRONX DOMINICAN!!!! lmao….! PRICELESSSSSS!

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

I was very angry about the New Yorker cover, but I think that was the point, to outrage the public. Well done

15 07 2008
Jen

I would like to say that I am a woman and I have gone on week-long trips without more than my carry-on luggage (one bag + one personal item–my big-ass laptop carrier, which looks like a purse). I purchase those little mini containers and put my hair products and face wash in those. I only pack enough makeup for a basic face (I leave the thirty types of eyeshadow at home). I do not pack shoes unless I have to dress prof or buscas on the trip (YOU WEAR SHOES TO THE AIRPORT-WHY DO YOU NEED ANYMORE?), in which case I pack ONE pair of black pumps. And the standard amount of clothing packed for a one-week trip is a nightgown, one pair of jeans, one pair of slacks, and a shirt or sundress for every day I am there. Also, if you roll up your clothes instead of fold them, you can avoid wrinkles and save space.

ON ANOTHER NOTE. I hate airports for hating Arabs. My daughter has an Arab surname. She is too young to even have her own ticket, but she is on my tickets, so every time we fly together, I get stopped and harassed by an inept airport employee trying to catch up crazy Arabs. I am like, come the eff on. Is my INFANT CHILD going to blow up your plane with her blankie and her Elmo doll? Let us be serious.

15 07 2008
athens

Why the hell do you need eight rolls of quarters????????

15 07 2008
amandzing

next time try the train 😆

15 07 2008
Saun

@Tiger – Honestly I wouldn’t dwell on it. Folks know those types of comments/pictures push our buttons and they do it on purpose to distract you from the real issues. Those types of comments have been going on since the invention of the oreo. I was called one when i was 7 so at this point in my life it’s no big surprise. It just displays the ignorance/close-minded nature of those that say it. Keep your eye on the real issues like the economy, the war, etc and make sure our people and the world keep focused. That is the only way we will win at the end of the day.

15 07 2008
Landon

Hey we can not change topic until we hit a 100 comments WE KNOW THE RULES PEOPLE!

15 07 2008
Knatural

Jo – I KNOW! The first time it happened, I kind of understand: I was wearing a head scarf. It was the booty-crack of dawn and I didn’t feel like combing my hair, so I put on a presentable silk scarf. The TSA lady started mushing and squeezing my head. I just laughed. The second time, my hair was combed, I followed every rule – no belt buckle, no underwire bra, no shoes, blah blah blah – still got searched.

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

I follow Bassey and WNBT’s packing logic – always be prepared – but somehow I always manage to get it to fit in the stewardess size suitcase. I don’t check bags for anything under 5 days.

This past January I was going to Ghana. At the last minute I realized that the finger paint that I was bringing along with a lot of other stuff for the kids, would not fit in my checked bag, so I threw it in my carry on – not thinking. It was brand new – factory sealed. Well they took it from me at security even after I told them it was for the poor little African orphans. However, the pepperspray that I was carrying and my father’s lighters didn’t get a second look. I shoulda sprayed a stewardess just to make a point.

15 07 2008
Jen

P.S. Traveling is one more reason to date women without relaxers.

Women with relaxers feel the need to pack a flat iron, curling iron, seven satin scarves, eight hair products and a blow dryer with attachments for even overnight trips. I pack leave-in conditioner and a styling product.

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

I was a TSA agent for 3 years, the reason for the baggie is twofold. 1. they said that the amount you can fit into the small baggie is the limit they allow on the plane and 2. it’s easier to check 1 baggie full of tolietries than some peoples bag that are filled with 100 4 oz bottles. Hell it you take a 40oz bottle of lotion and put them in 10 4 oz bottle, that is still 50 oz of lotion and then what the hell is there a liquid ban for. People are always trying to get over. Like the ‘I’m only gonna take off one shoe’ jackass.

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

Knatural – there is no such thing as a presentable silk scarf. Don’t do that shit.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

They don’t board from rear to front b.c. it makes no FUCKIN DIFFERENCE. Asshats are asshats and as soon as they start boarding they jump to the front of the line no matter what. And the stewardesses don’t get ballsy until you ask for a full can of soda and let them on the plane even though they’re in row 6 and they’r’e only boarding rows 20-25. So me in my nice window seat in row 20 still is stuck blocking up the first class aisle while mister asshat on the treo tries to shove his too damn big for overhead container bag into the first container he sees even, then chats his simple ass back to row 6 and slowly eases his girth into an aisle seat with his feet and knees jabbing/tripping everyone who walks by to get to my row 20 seat. fucktard.

Also the people who know they bought a middle seat ticket who jump into the plane first to sit by the window and pretend to be asleep or have their headphones in while they try to ignore the person who reserved the window seat they are sitting in who’s telling them to get the fuck up and move. But trying to be nice since this fucktard is the bastard they have to sit next to for the next 4-6 hours and don’t want to start the trip out cursing someone out loud and calling them out their name even though its too late b.c. you are for damn sure doing it inside so you may as well let it out. its cathartic. For a rule, I give them the ‘you are in my seat’ and the blank stare until they move. Then i thank them depending on their speed of moving and profuseness of apologies. Slow fucks get the evil dead look and do NOT start arguing with me. I can read the damn signs. Seat F is window not aisle, look at the little picture not to mention i know which seat i picked out online muggafugga. You aint gonna intimidate me just cuz you’re an old white fart.

sigh, planning a trip to barbados over thanksgiving and already the airport memories are getting to me.

tip#4- stay up late the night beforehand so when you get on the plane you fall asleep before takeoff. if you’re scared of flying this helps b.c. you don’t get to see the ground leave you and if you may have a chatty cathy next to you, they shutup when they see you’re asleep. Also develop a powerful grumpy sleepy glare for people who use those overhead lights at night. This is no time to read, get some sleep.

If you recline your seat in an airplane you are going to hell. Because you are an evil bastard. Hitler and robert mugabe recline their plane seats. Seat reclining is the act of satan

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

Jeresmom, do you help Jere with his/her math?

15 07 2008
Pea

Hahahahahaha….this whole post was sad but very very true…

15 07 2008
Landon

Jerseymom:
I am a guy i don’t worry about that shit… however i think it is conspiracy with the makeup industry to get more business. Think about all the products and make up they have confiscated from you ladies. It has lead to boast in business to the makeup and zip lock bag industry!

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

LMAO @ Hitler and Robert Mugabe

15 07 2008
Knatural

Damn you Yonnie. There is a Santa Claus…

Jen – so true; when I had a relaxer, I packed a whole salon in my carry-on.

Yeah, and how can people attempt to steal seats on planes? It’s not a sports arena.

15 07 2008
Saun

@Jen – No that just means it’s a high maintenance chick. I take a mini-flat iron, small bottle of Kemi-Oyl, a comb, and scarf. That’s it. And If I’m going to see family or friends I only take the comb and scarf cause they’ll have the other stuff. It’s all about knowing what you really need and really don’t.

@Landon- Sorry, I forgot. I’m fairly new to the site so I forget the rules sometimes.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

growl.

and yes there are presentable silk scarves. shaddap.

Fold and roll works reasonably well. However I will say that my shoes are big b.c. i have big fucking feet and they don’t’ fit anything. That is most of my bag. Plus I always carry a bag big enought to fit a stolen pillow from hotels. Body care products include one daily moisturizer for my hair. however that damn thing is like 50$ a jar and i will kill someone rather than throw it out. No face wash, you shouldn’t be washing your hair on vacation so no shampoo etc. Don’t normally wear make up so lip gloss can fit in purse. I always carry my bookbag as my personal item and put my purse inside with the laptop. My rolly can probably fit on as carryon but as I said, not throwing out my expensive ass hair crack. Damn U TSA!!!!

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“That is not a Muslim that is a Shikh with a turban, after 9/11 they were harassed by the public because they were mistaken for Muslims.”

So?

15 07 2008
Jen

@ “So?”

True on so many levels. 😦

15 07 2008
Elle

I travel quite a bit for work and for some reason I’ve never been searched. It could be because I make it a point to do the whole security thing like I have an extreme case of OCD mixed with Black Pantherism, “Boarding pass & id – check, laptop out of case – check, belt off – check, BOTH shoes off – check, quart size baggie with 3 oz or less of liquids -check.” Then I stand there with my black gloved fist in the air and look at them like, “Ok. I did everything I was supposed to. Pull me to the side and I’ll have ignant ass Jesse and Al up here in a heart beat.”

15 07 2008
Jo

@Knat: Lol…this wasn’t a black woman, was it? Non-blacks just *love* to touch a head of natural hair.

@Yonnie3k: Don’t hate, friend. The day our men give up wearing the doo-rag in public will be the day I’ll aquiesce to not occasionally wearing a silk head scarf.

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Yeah, and how can people attempt to steal seats on planes? It’s not a sports arena.”

I’m more than happy to steal seats from white people, which is exactly what I did on my return flight from Chicago.

The fun thing to do is to rifle around in my wallet making sure the victim sees my tribal ID card, rendering them afraid to ask for my (their) seat since they know damn well the airport they’re using is probably built on the graves of my ancestors.

Then they’ll try to guilt you politically by asking you shit like “have you registered with MoveOn.org yet?” White people love to make you think they’re doing more to get a black man elected than…any given black man. This is why I carry around the e-receipt for my $2,300 donation I made to the Obama campaign last month. It shuts em all right the hell up.

Fuck everything.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

If anyone ever reclines on you in an airplane immediately shout out ‘OW! what the fuck!!” call attention to that bastard. Then ask them not to recline as they just slammed into your knees. If they still get a funkybutt attitude (and they might b.c. they have no soul) tell them you just had surgery to repair a torn ligament in your knee and if they slam back like that it could rerip your sensitive flesh, how rude. Make sure to be loud, peer pressure works. But usually people get all uncomfortable when you yell out OW! really loud and start apologizing, just so they don’t get mobbed by angry bystanders who mistake them for Stalin.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

I don’t mind if you steal from white people chris. But every seat stealer I’ve encountered has been white. So I whip out the afro and give them the “I may not have my 40 acres and mule but I’ll be dammned if your cracka ass steals my plane seat”‘ move. It shifts they white girls quickly but the old white men sometimes get a major attitude like they can just threaten to call the authorities and have my ass in jail on some ‘you tole Harpo ta beat’ me shit. Then I have to play them like they’re stupid. Talk all slowly like i’m explaining to a child and they get all kinds of pissy and other people start talking slow to them to. I actually look forward to the seat stealers. I always wish someone was in my designated spot cuz I need to let out some anger by the time I board usually.

I wonder what would happen if there were ever a black on black seat stealing episode.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

sorry meant Satan, not Stalin, but Stalin was also an evil seat recliner so thats ok.

15 07 2008
Landon

WNBT:

I HOPE YOU SIT behind me…. i will recline on you so quick… dont let me have my tools on me and some W1040 i will make sure tha CHAIR reclines an extra 5 inches just to make a fucking point… with my ipod blasting so i can’t hear you complain…

15 07 2008
Lindsay

I’m all about Southwest Airlines, so seat stealing is a non-issue.

Re: the moving walkway thingies. Has anyone been on the ones at [Reagan] National Airport? They move pretty quickly. Takes some anticipation and quick footwork to get off them without incident.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

Landon, do not think i’m above beating the shit out of you in public on a plane. I have definitely hit strangers who’ve reclined on me. And since you are slightly less than a stranger I will fuck you up. And no one will help you b.c. they recognized you as Satanic spawn

15 07 2008
Knatural

AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

And I hope you meant WD-40 and not car oil 10W-40.

Can you change a tire at least landon?

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

hah, hear me complain, nickel you will feel me complain

15 07 2008
Jo

@WNBT: “Can you change a tire at least landon?”

Dead. I’m glad I’m not the only lady who caught this and wondered what the hell Landon was talking about.

15 07 2008
Landon

Nah i meant the car oil…

because thats what i will pour on your ass when you hit me…

but GOOD CATCH… i fucked that one up and i am impressed 🙂

15 07 2008
Tiger

Lando- you are helping to facilitate topic change yourself and I don’t think we’ve hit 100 comments yet. rules go out the window.

15 07 2008
Knatural

It’s the pink shirts…

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

I’m just glad today’s entry was not called “Chicago”, because I would have had to fight you.

I hate flying and I hate airports. I have almost been arrested at Dulles, when I went completely bezerk after deciding that this employee at the curbside check made me miss my Holiday flight because he was virtually tapdancing for these White folks trying to get a tip. I went the FUCK off, and apprarenly cursing is illegal in VA and I kept saying “They shoulda never gave you niggas jobs” and some other bad things.

I used to get searched all the time after 9/11 because I have an Arabic name. But now, they let me get through with matches, lighters and big bottles of lotion.

15 07 2008
Landon

We are still complaining about airlines…

i had a brain fart and allowed WBNT to catch me slipping… this hangover is for sure killing me right now… when WNBT is right and shuts me down, i am PISSED TO HOLY HELL… I cant wait to run into her on the street — its going to be ugly… Pulling her Tracks out pouring car oil on her…

15 07 2008
Lia

I am someone who hates roadtrips, so anything that extends 4 hours, I hate doing. Now, if I’m in my homestate of KS and my hometown being smack dab in the middle of the USA, 4 hours can get me into NE, OK, & MO…all three place I’d rather not go. On the very rare, rare occasion, I will drive the 6 hrs to STL only because my bf is on active duty there.

Now while flying is my preferred method of travel, it also the one thing that makes me have a rage blackout and want to kill everyone who has yet to understand the simple ass rules set up by TSA that are NOT new. Going to school in Chicago, I practically live in O’Hare, and O’Hare is the airport that has made me want to kill many a people. No you cannot take that bottle of water through security. Yes you will have to take off your shoes. Yes you’re going to have to throw away all of your liquid items that do not fit the criteria. Please save your argument for when I’m not behind you because I sure don’t have all day. I don’t know how many times I’ve used that e-check in because I’m efficient like that and hate lines, only to get that my flight was cancelled, but this is only after I’m like “why the fuck can’t I check in? I’m here early” then I ask someone working there and she’s like “oh yeah, ps, that was cancelled”. Other things I love, sitting at my terminal, having them change it for million times so I have to sprint across big ass O’Hare, and then my flight is delayed…delayed…cancelled!! If it wasn’t for prescription xanax(yes, I am not kidding) and those $12 drinks in the airports, I don’t know that I wouldn’t have left a blood trail in the airports.

When I fly out from KS, I fly from KC because I can usually get a direct, non-stop flight. KC has this little problem of really paying attention to their security because I was once randomly flagged, of course I didn’t know this until I reached my connecting in Cleveland and was sprinting to my terminal because 2.5 seconds do get off a plane a reboard another is feasible, only to be stopped the ticket lady asking “where did you come from?” “ummm KC hence me just getting off that damn plane” “are you sure?” “pretty fucking sure because I didn’t walk here” “oh well, did you go through security?” “don’t I have to in order to board?” “well it looks like they didn’t do it correctly, so you’re going to have to go through security again”. Security was located in Timbuktu and when I finally got through, of course, I’d missed my flight, had to call my bf to let him know airlines are full of bitchassness. Then the ticket lady tried to tell me I couldn’t get on the next flight to DC for a million years. I was not having it, so what do I do? I call my Daddy who lives in Cleveland is also a pilot. Next thing you know, he’s there, I’ve got a flight in the next 2 hours and I’m on first class…plus a little spending money to boot.

Moral of the story, I hate flying, but I’ll never stop.

And don’t even get me started on international flights. I’m looking at you right now British Airways…

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

knat- AAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

***laughing like a jackass*** ***wipes away tears***

landon cannot change a tire. However I hear he can bake an amazing angel food cake.

15 07 2008
Darcia00

LOL @ the Metal Gear reference.

15 07 2008
Mr. Smith

The absolute, number one worst airport it has been my displeasure o be in was Boston. My flight to L.A. actually waited for me and my buddy because even though police escorted us through the first class line because we had 5 minutes to make our flight, airport security saw it fit to pull us aside for RANDOM SCREENING. Oh yes random, of all 100 people trying to get through the security line, you gotta pull out the two darkies, being escorted by a darkie police officer who say they’re going to be late for their flight. I was sure we missed it, but the the flight attendant outside the gate actually told me they were holding the plane just for us. Fuck Boston, their sports fans, and their airport.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

Pulling tracks out… landon you wish i had ever known tracks. And damn, while your pinkshirt ass is grabbing for hair i’m beatin kidneys and punching nuts. You’re going down baby. I wish I would see you around the way across 110th st.

15 07 2008
Landon

WNBT – THE ONLY thing i can bake is german chocholate cake, sweet potato pie and peach pie.

yes i can change a tire (even though my car does not have a spare tire) run flats,
i can change my own oil but i am lazy 🙂

but one thing i know i can do is BEAT DAT ASS LIKE IKE TURNER talking about eat your CAKE ANNA MAE EAT YORU CAKE!

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

don’t blame it on the liquor. The nearsighted monkey serial killer was right. its the shirts that got you slipping

15 07 2008
Lia

PS, sorry for the novel. I just hate airports

15 07 2008
Knatural

Oh god. International flights! Boooooooooooooooooo…let’s not start.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

Excuse me, german chocolate cake, not angel food. But only those 3 things. Damn, useless in the garage (how you gonna change a tire with no spare? Liar!)and still not good in the kitchen. Landon, whats the point?

And i’ll be damned to lose a fight to a midget. My knees may be bruised but i’m kicking you in the face and knocking out your last 4 teeth.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

including the 2 gold ones

15 07 2008
Jo

HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAHAHAAAA!!

15 07 2008
Lia

Oh, and I do love National(the DC airport). I was in and outta that place with the quickness. Clearly my beef just lays with O’Hare. I’ll always fly Midway if I can get outta O’Hare. I also didn’t have an issue with the airport in Boston either, but I won’t lie, if I’m not tryna deal with the hassel of it, I surely will fly in Rhode Island and just drive to Boston.

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

I’m sure everyone’s seen Meet The Parents. My favorite scene is when Ben Stiller is trying to leave her parents place and is at the airport and the lady won’t acknowledge him at the podium until she calls his row – even though there is NOBODY ELSE AT THE GATE. I swear this happened to me at the ticketing counter. The lady would not help my friend that I was travelling with until I stepped behind some magical yellow line. Then Ben Stiller won’t check his bag and gets sent behind doors with TSA b/c he said, “Its not like I have a bomb.” It doesn’t matter. You can’t say bomb on a plane. Aaahhhh….my favorite white boy behind Jon Stewart.

15 07 2008
Lia

Oh and the best airline I’ve ever been on is Midwest. First class seating throughout and homemade FRESH cookies on the flight. I don’t know how, but that place is like heaven

15 07 2008
Landon

ONe i can cook better then your ASS best beleive.. i like to eat!

2. the only way your knees would be bruised against me is if you were doing something else, BUt i doubt it because your CROOKED ST IDES TEETH WOULD Cut the shit out of my D!#K so i will pass on that…

BUt maybe if i hit you hard enough in the mouth i would be able to fix yoru teeth for you…

Walking around with a sill scarf on your head and you mouth looking like you been chewing on GLASS! Teeth throwing FRAT signs! EVen Michael Strahan be like DAMN LOOK AT HER TEETH…

15 07 2008
Knatural

Landon, you are such a bamma…

15 07 2008
Landon

knatural-

this is coming from a woman who almost ate someones else’s popeyes left on a train and you calling me a BAMA 🙂 LOVE YOU TOO

15 07 2008
Jen

The best airline I have ever been on is Emirates Airlines.

Their multitude of food options were delicious. All the attendants were pretty and kind and spoke 3,000 languages and the air media options were superior.

Jet Blue is my favorite domestic airline because they serve organic snacks and have cable.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

Wait you got brands of your wackass frat and you get your teeth fucked up to match landon, Thats some serious brainwashing there you rolypoly oompaloompa. willy wonka told you to leave the bubblegum alone! And baby, your up north raised ass can’t cook better than I. I will challenge you to a pound cake, sweet potato cassarole, meatloaf, spinach cookoff after I knock your crooked eye straight and you learn to change my oil. And no you can’t reuse the shine on your face to grease my engine

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

I’m scared of jetblue ever since that time when their wheels wouldn’t come down on the plane and they were all over CNN. And you know how the cable news likes to speculate gruesome details to fill the time. And I can’t imagine watching Wolf Blitzer imagining how we might or might not land while i’m stuck in a plane that doesn’t have feet.

15 07 2008
Esquire

Ive had the Meet the Parents incident happen to me.
I mean, damn, is that really necessary???? You see my loud, ignorant, black ass rolling my eyes at you.

I saw a mean desk lady make a guy miss his flight. The plane was still there and they had just shut the door. He comes running up and she is like…”We cant open the door, too bad.” Everyone starts booing her. damn bitch.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

I”m also waiting to try Virgin Atlantic when I go to visit London and Puff b.c. of their flrity email propaganda to me and sales on first class tickets. I’ll have the plebians in economy come sit at my guest seat while I get my manicure and full dinner then lay all the way out and go to sleep. Haha, gotta love the ridiculousl amenities

15 07 2008
Esquire

did you just call Landon a rolypoly oompa loompa?…

crying. Im going to call my brother that RIGHT NOW.

15 07 2008
Queen2B

Worst airport is Dulles. Let’s just say pre – 911 racist customs people pulled aside and searched all African and Arfrican American passengers on a certain a return flight from Denmark, but 2520’s weilding a US or European passport were welcomed to America! co-sign on many of the above comments and more to come. To make flying better airplines should start offering the following:
1) child-free flights (no disrespect to parents or kids, but when I’m on a red-eye or a longazz flight I don’t want to hear yout baby screaming at the top of their lungs or your badass kids terrorizing the cabin.

2) Lotion. Eff water. Eff pretzels. Eff coffee or tea. Give out lotion. Why? Because I see more crusty feet in airports than anywhere else. They are propped on suitcases, on chairs, on armrests, in the aisle. You name the place, someone will have their funky feet propped up on it. These aren’t children. These are grown adults whose parents never told them to sit the hell up or did, but in typical supernany fashion, the kids didn’t listen so now they adults out there who for non medical reasons think it is perfectly acceptable when in a public place to elevate their stank feet.

3) Dress code. It doesn’t have to be as rigid as back in the day when you dressed for flying like you did going to church. You deserve to be comfy, but a birds eye view of your tramp stamp courtesy of your 2 seasons ago juicy velour low riding track suit ain’t cute. The TSA screeners (who BTW waaay too many seem to hail from countries that we have on alert) no doubt get a kick out of it.

4) First class upgrades for those who are forced to sit next to a passenger “of size”. You didn’t tell them they need to buy 2 seats. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice half of mine for all of them.

5) Give me the entire soda!

15 07 2008
Mimi

OMG!! This was so funny! :O And you are not lying about having to walk 26 miles to get to your terminal, LOL…good post….

15 07 2008
Landon

Look a here you Crisco eating, tougher than Nigerian hair having, lil Wayne’s mistress, Rev. Jesse Jackson Baby’s mama, Al Sharpton Perm sharing secrets, dating Eddie Murphy because he said you remind him of Johnny Gill, Just for Me Perm using for your tough coochie hair so you don’t cut your man’s face needing, knock knees having, Forest Whitaker loose eye syndrome having, super heads intern SELF… GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC SOMEWHERE… Talking about she makes bake Mac and cheese with a Kraft box and makes collard greens out the can, instant rice / grits making MOFO!

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

LOL – Esquire, I would LOVE to have seen that lady get booooed. Classic. That happened to me once. I swear I got there from my connecting flight just as they closed the gate and they were like, “Sorry, we can’t open it once its closed.” Whatever. That’s like the cop that says, “Sorry, I already started writing the ticket.” Bitches.

15 07 2008
Jen

Queen2B strikes me as the most hilarious moniker ever thought up.

But I hope I never fly with you because you would hate me, my overenthusiastic toddler and my ashy feet.

15 07 2008
Lindsay

“And no you can’t reuse the shine on your face to grease my engine”

LMAO

15 07 2008
BostonNegro

@Landon:

“dating Eddie Murphy because he said you remind him of Johnny Gill,”

ROFLMAO – co workers think i am crazy

15 07 2008
Esquire

Exactly..Its not like they plane had moved an inch. I doubt the door on the plane was even shut.
Karma is a bitch.

15 07 2008
Mrs.Epps

I havent read this yet but Im already pissed at the picture. I love traveling but I can do with out the airport. Can’t wait til my man gets his private pilot’s license and can work for his homeboy on the weekends and we can fly where everrrr!! ok back to reading

15 07 2008
Landon

WNBT:

I apologize i think i went a little too far saying you make instant grits and rice… I should never make such a comment to a sista. I hope you accept this olive branch…

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

Adding mac and cheese to the challenge. Breakfast challenge if you are too punkass to make a full dinner. Pancakes, waffles, grits, scrambeled eggs, bacon sausage and fuckit fry some damn chicken with your own batter mix not some batter in a bag shit and put the damn crisco down. i mean what is wrong with your scarred up, shrunken, inadvisably dressed, overcompensating, bourghie ass hiding the crisco, gold fronts, brands, scurl, skinlightener, snakeskin shoe and belt combo, pink shirts, feather hat, crotch nap perm and color kit, menthols, and chitlins in the back room? And why is it the only thing you’re good at is cooking and pulling hair? And then not even actually good at that?

You may leave your answer ini the comments section while I go to work. Reducing my carbon footprint today so it can fit on Landons back when i kick his ass.

later peoples

15 07 2008
Landon

First time i sat in 1st class i acted like a little kid in a candy store. Was just ordering Gin and TOnics because I could and it wsa Free. It was a 6:45am Flight to Atlanta. I was so drunk by the time i landed i had to take a short nap to sober up so i could drive my rental car. SO SAD!

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

hmm ok i’ll accept the olive branch and rescind the skin lightener.

15 07 2008
Landon

How you going to try to go green & limit your carbon footprint when your breath is only revialed by FLAVA FLAV in terms of greenhouse gases?

15 07 2008
Knatural

Whoa…I wasn’t gonna eat the Popeyes. I was just upset that someone left it behind 😦

I think every airport sucks. My worst experience was Miami. That airport is humungolous! And coming back to the States through Miami is a nightmare. Maybe it was just American Airlines (which I’ll never fly international again), but they don’t switch luggage from plane to plane, and they clearly rifled through my undies. Plus, my luggage came down the belt opened and exposed with shoes and tops strewn about the luggage belt. I hate Miami International.

And I agree with whoever said driving for more than 4 hours means you might as well fly. I’d rather pay for the convenience.

15 07 2008
Landon

I only sent that last message because you did not respond to my olive branch. I retract my last statement.

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

landon i do not respond to people with snakeskin tongues who have been known perm hair by breathing too close to women. also your love of p’ok and bean and indifference to personal hygiene makes you the environments number one offender. You wonder why the EPA is on stake out in front of your house?
Also better usage of vocabulary is needed for this game. revialed????

15 07 2008

good morning black people.

Muah to my e-honey landon

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

see and i thought you were trying to start it up again. I’ll retract my response and save it for the next time you get out of line…

lata bukky

15 07 2008
Queen2B

Miami Airport is the one they use to fly all the sinners to hell.

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

@Landon, there were SOOOOOOO many people with that same makeup comapny theory when the liquid ban first went into effect.

@Yonnie2k, my math skills, or lack thereof, does not negate the point 4 oz is 4 oz and that’s all that is allowed so stop trying to get over. (not you persay, but the person with a million bottles)

15 07 2008
Landon

MOrning ne 🙂 i am hung over 😦

WBNT: your right… i need spell check on this bitch.. rivaled. Your breath is fucking up my brain function. Honestly i can not spell for shit. If a computer virus fucked up spell check on all applications i would be FUCKED!

its great I dont need a calculator for anytype of math problem but learning how spell would help!

15 07 2008
willnotbetelevised

see now i’m unrescinding my last statement. Insert here. And for real, i’m out

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

Oh oh oh oh – I forgot to tell you one of the MOST infuriating things that happend to me on the plane. Okay so we’re already seated but we’re still at the gate and we haven’t moved anywhere for 30 MINUTES. So I call my cousin to catch up on some gossip…er…uh…news. No I am by no means a LOUD TALKER. I’m very cognizant of my surroundings. So I’m on the phone and this old crusty white lady in front of me turns around and is like, “You’re not supposed to be on the phone.” I was like, “Oh really? Thank you,” and I continue with my conversation and minding my business b/c THAT’S WHAT GROWN FOLKS DO!!! Do you know that this bitch RAISED HER HAND to TELL ON ME???? I LOUDLY told my cousin, “I gotta go b/c apparently, I’m sitting behind the phone police.”

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

Landon and Ne’: get a room

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

Did you NY people know that Kevin Powell is running for Congress?

Sorry, are we at 100 yet?

15 07 2008
Esquire

Can someone tell me briefly what happened on the Facebook page. I do not have a facebook page..so Im not on the up and up

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

Kevin Powell from vibe and the Real World?

15 07 2008
Landon

Hey Kevin Powell had a fund raiser with Dave Chapelle but he showed up late talking about he is in route…

15 07 2008
Landon

Ne:

W hotel usual room?

15 07 2008
Jo

@Esquire: Creole Beauty was busy calling people ugly (per the usual), at which point a few bright folks provided incontrovertable evidence that she had, in fact, stolen all of her profile photos from some website highlighting a fashion model.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

Can a sista testifyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Things I have experienced recently in travel:

Check in: Old people who have no idea how to use e-check in. They go to the regular counter, and the person sends them to e-check in even though they’ve made it clear that THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO USE A COMPUTER. The person at the counter stares at the hopeless old folks blankly, saying, “every thing is electronic.” Ethiopian baggage handler gies agent the side eye, helps the old folks check in.

Security: I realize the “take the shoes off” thing stared with the shoe bomber. But is it really necessary to send some one with flip flops/jelly sandals back through security because they didn’t take off their shoes? is there really a bomb in there?

Security II: Nothing is funnier than being in a civilian line, and looking through the glass partition at the military line. It’s usually soundproof, but you can see a soldier arguing with a TSA agent who took her tweezers only to give her rifle back.

Seating: Have we not made one thing clear – YOUR FAT @$$ MUST BUY TWO TICKETS!!! i didn’t pay for half a seat, and since all flights are at 115% capacity (ask the kids in the overhead bin), I can’t switch seats like in the old days.

Per federal law, only American-owned airlines can operate within the US. We need to change this.

BTW – I can’t wait for SBPH Air.

15 07 2008
Landon

What would be the amenities on SBPH AIR… ??

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

OMG, the “security” at airports is such a crapshoot. The liquid thing is the most annoying useless sack of shit regulation…fine I’ll just separate my liquid explosives into 3 oz containers then combine them on the plane, is that better for y’all?! But not that they’re even paying attention or care most times, as I’ve gotten through with bottles of water, fruit cups and various liquid/gel things I’ve forgotton to put in little plastic baggies.

Ha! I did get caught with the roll of quarters once. I got through at BWI but they searched through the bag at Hartford to figure out what it was.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

I was forced to check my roll of quarters – only to have it stolen through my obviously rifled through checked luggage. Go figure.

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

The deal with flip flops is that plastic explosives can be shaped like a flip flop and security can only tell by sending it through the x-ray. There is a method to the madness.

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

LMAO @ Yonnie’s story. Man I’m gonna start telling on talkers too! On my last trip to Aruba, this family annoyed me to no freaking end, and it wasn’t even the kids. Little Isabel (yes I know her name because her idiot father said it like 50 times) was just trying to play her gameboy or whatever the kids are into these days. Her idiot father had to keep loudly discussing their agenda and reminding her of “important travel information”. By the end of the flight I knew little Isabel’s entire itinerary including the best times to snatch her up if I wanted to because she’d be away from her parents, uuuuggghhh!! Can I buy my advance tickets on SBPH air yet?!

15 07 2008
KadiBaby

Considering the length of some of these posts a SBPH airline is in order. LOL.
@ Chris: Now there is some SWPL ‘declaring their superiority over people they don’t even know’. ? WTF In two hours we will never see each other in life. One-up-manship is such crap. It’s even worse on my flights to/from Palm Beach International Airport, you have people on Jet Blue acting like they’re Kennedys…… Hello this is the local airport not the private one, we are not impressed when you talk loud about your golfing weekend in NY. LOL but what is priceless is the time I heard this guy talking to his mistress on his way home to Ft. Lauderdale. Ha.

15 07 2008
4m_no_2_dc

lets not forget the bitchass bad ass kids on planes as well! why are the only kids that ride planes seem to have ADHD? and why des it seem like their parents forgot their medication at home?

they kick the back of your seat, talk really loud and ask dumb questions, and its their parents who take 8 years to round up the kids and the kid’s shit to get off the plane!!!!! and you never see a parent with one kid…it always like a tribe of kids; if by some chance you do come across a parent with one child, that child is satan in the flesh.

when i have kids, i’m gonna give them benadryl if we gotta get on a plane. nighty night!!!!

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

On SBPH Air:

No in flight movies/shows will be shown that are in any way associated with Viacom

$50 surcharge if your name has an accent mark, any silent letters, or prefixes such as but not limited to La, Sha, Qua, etc.

No passengers may be named after cars or luxury products unless they in fact are the namesake of said product – i.e. Donatella Versace

No non-minority children allowed

Boarding from the rear to the front. If you miss your turn, you must wait until everyone else has been seated and you will have to hold your carry on luggage on your lap.

I’m sure I’ll think of some more. Feel free to add to the list.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

The other thing that pisses me off for some reason, are the assholes that take off their seatbelts and stand up as soon as the plane gets to the gate, effectively creating the EXACT SAME logjam to exit the plane. Why can’t they just wait for the seatbelt sign??? FOLLOW THE RULES!

Angry IV – you’re sending my blood pressure back up. The Airline knows whether or not people on the plane have a connecting flight. My friend was on her way to Miami, but was delayed on the PDX-Houston leg of the flight. As they landed the flight attendant goes over the intercom and says, “Five people are connecting to Miami in a very short tinme. We ask that you let them off first before you deplane.” They land, and EVERYBODY GETS UP! She missed her flight.

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

Yes, Vibe/Real World Kevin Powell

15 07 2008
Landon

for doc:

1. For SBPH Airlines there will be a VIP / Champagne Room with a velvet rope where you can get $20 lap dances and top shelf liquor.

2. IF you have bad hygine you will be washed down with a power washer and shea butter.

3. There will be a fat person seciton on the plane (50% mark-up)

4. all airline attendents will be models (like back in the day) with an age restriction.

15 07 2008
TomatoHead

LOL Yonnie. I sooo wanna do that with certain people though. They loud-talk their way through every little minute until the wheels leave the ground. Goddamn that’s annoying.

I honestly have a have a soft-spot for kids on planes. I have two sisters and we never got rowdy on planes because we knew the Pinch would come should we start acting crazy. But kids act crazy on planes because they are in a boring, cramped space and their ears are popping, they are weirded out by the newness of it all and on top of that, they are 3000 miles up.

Cute story about my little sister: when she took her first plane ride she was about 4. When we started up going down the runway for take off she starts saying: “we’re going faster, we’re going faster!” The people next to us looked at her the people in front of us looked around, basically everyone in the area. She keeps on with this “We’re going faster!” until we start getting off the ground and she yelled, loudly, “We’re up in the air!” like it was the greatest thing that had ever happened.

Everyone around us laughed.

15 07 2008
GTI

FUCK YOU! i didn’t want to waste my orange juice

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

I love Kevin Powell! I saw him all about the campaign trail in BK this weekend. He had on a fitted at the Hip-Hop Festival!!!! LOL. He is doing a booksigning tonight at Brownstone Books down the street from me. Oh, how I love my adopted borough.

15 07 2008
Landon

I am not going to lie i get a thrill pushing the limit of how late i can get to the airport and still make my flight. Running full speed hurdling children and juking and spinning my way up terminal. Its like i am reliving my AL Bundy Poke High SChool memories. Granted i have ran over a couple people, apologized and not lose a step in the meanwhile.

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

TomatoHead, that was a cute story. When my nephew was little, he said that we lived in the sky b/c he flew from UT to FL to see us.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

Get prepared for another essay….

*If my liquids are potentially explosives, why do you throw them indiscriminately into one garbage can?

*ladies – travel with all your underwear in your carry on, in ziplock bags

* I had the pleasure of having a foreign male TSA agent taking my tampons because he thought they were weapons. (homenegro nearby looked embarasses as f&^k when he made foreigner give them back)

*You don’t have to pay for checked luggage when you fly internationally. Here’s the punchline – If you fly to La Guardia on your way to London, that counts as domestic travel and you have to pay.

* It’s bad enough you can’t get the whole can of soda, but I got my cup of coffee in one of those cups you get at the dentist for mouthwash – and it was half full! Thanks for the sip, jackasses!

* Props to Southwest for kicking bad kids off the plane and banning them from the airline.

15 07 2008
Muse

Aww the joys of airport travel. As someone who is on a plane for work and pleasure at least three times a month, I have to say that it’s very easy to spot someone who isn’t use to traveling. They are slow, carry way too much shit, and their bags are large. Not to mention they are not dressed for airport travel (yes folks there is a certain way you should dress for a variety of reasons that I won’t list unless asked : ).

I NEVER and I repeat NEVER check in luggage unless there is a gun to my head. It only took American Airlines one time to lose my lugagge (and ironically it was at O’hare airport) for me not to trust them. It also took them 12 weeks to process my claim. What’s funny was that I was carrying on my luggage on the flight for for some reason the airplane ran out of room so I offered to check my bags in. Big mistake.

My recommendation is that folks need to get on a frequent flyer program and try to get elite status. I’m on elitte status with Virgin and American. I’m 5k miles away from being elite on United.. The reason being is that there is a completely separate security check in line for folks on elite status or flying first class and there is rarely anyone ever in those lines. Also you can get free upgrades on an economy ticket. Usually first class has less fat smelly people. On average I spent no more than 5 minutes in the security check in line. My favorite thing to do is look over at the folks who are waiting an hour just to get past security while I’m in and out in five minutes. The white folks are probably lik e”Why that nigger getting special treatment and we not” hehehe.

Anyway carry on folks. For anyone who is interested, check out the forum called Flyer Talk

http://www.flyertalk.com.

They have some fantastic advice about traveling.

15 07 2008

Yes baby! fruit and whipped cream?

My worst experience was flying into Miami. It had nothing to do with the airline or the airport itself. I flew in from california of course with my bff and my cousins were flying in from new york. We arranged for our flights to arrive around the same time. So we could all ride to the hotel together.

My flight arrived at 11am and my cousins flight came in at 12. My bff and I were only 19 so we couldn’t rent a car, so the car and our hotel was in one of my cousin’s name. We waited… and waited… and waited… then I called my uncle (it’s now 2pm)…

Me: “Hey unc, have you spoken to sean?”

My Uncle: ” Yea he just left to go to queens and pick up esha”

me: “WHAT ? We are sitting here at the airport yakno?…he said the flight came in at 12, we got here at 11 this morning, I told him when we booked the flight I came in at 11 in the morning.”

my uncle: ” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHATHEIR FLIGHT DOESN’T COME IN UNTIL MIDNIGHT PRINCESS”

Me:”BYE!”

We waited until 12:30AM for my cousin to get there.

I hate the movie “THE TERMINAL”

15 07 2008
Queen2B

-$100 penalty for all those who jump the line during boarding.

A woman did this to my mom. I was all damn bitch we’re all getting on! Why do you have to cut off an old lady? If they call seats 30-42 those people only those people should be in line to board. Everybody else stay the hell back. There is no need to form a mob to pounce on the gate agent when she finally calls your row.

-audio/visual controls will be mounted in the headrest in front so it doesn’t like like I’m reaching down to pleasure myself when really I’m just changing the station.

15 07 2008

“$50 surcharge if your name has an accent mark”

HEYYYYYYYY!

15 07 2008
Jo

Ne–that is RIDICULOUS. And funny as hell.

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

SBPH Terms and Conditions:

1.) Loud children, sick people, the overly talkative, anyone that takes more than 60 seconds to board the plane, stow their gear, and sit the fuck down, will be ejected from the plane mid-flight

2.) Males with a body fat percentage above 15% will be arrested at the gate, melted, and used for fuel

3.) Females with a body fat percentage above 20% will be arrested at the gate, melted, and used for fuel

4.) Snipers will shoot and kill anyone caught standing still on a conveyor belt

5.) Any woman (or man) caught with more than 3 pairs of shoes will only be allowed to do so if they can fit the additional pairs of shoes in their own body cavities

6.) Any passenger may hurl any child from the plane mid-flight, as long as they notify a flight attendant and provide the guardian with an explanation and an [optional] apology

7.) White men are allowed on the plane if they can provide proof of a contribution (in money or volunteered services) to the Obama campaign

8.) White women are allowed on the plane if they can provide proof that they a.) give head to b.) black men with c.) a proclivity to do so while airborne

9.) Asian women that date white men are not allowed on the airplane, unless they donate their significant others to be melted into jet fuel and, following that, demonstrate the qualities found in line item 8

10.) Black women will be required to surrender all fake hair, nails, colored contact lenses, eyelashes, and tooth veneers to be melted into Jet fuel prior to boarding. Those failing to comply will be denied boarding and may be shot

11.) Black men will be required to surrender all ‘CEO’ labeled business cards, grillz, stunna shades, crotch stuffing, and fake jewelry to be melted into jet fuel prior to boarding. Those failing to comply, or found with a.) sagging pants, b.) untied shoelaces, c.) no shoe laces, or d.) ankle monitors, will be denied boarding and will be shot

12.) On the back of your boarding pass, you will find an IQ test. You must take this test upon arrival at the gate and submit it to the receptionist. If you score below 100, you will be melted into jet fuel

Additional terms and conditions may apply. Please dial 1-888-FLY-COON or see a SBPH representative at your airport for more details.

15 07 2008
Landon

LMAO
@ NE

Yonnie hating on ya!! lol

15 07 2008
Muse

Wow….

15 07 2008
Landon

LMAO
CHRIS

YORU SICK IN THE HEAD… but i meet all requirments to fly, but no strippers on board?
what bout first class has Wii on board?

15 07 2008
Muse

Chris I think an exception should be made so that women can wear ballerina slippers for airport travel.

15 07 2008
Knatural

Hey, I’m 23% body fat JERK. Make it 25% instead. All other rules are fine. Thanks.

15 07 2008

“5.) Any woman (or man) caught with more than 3 pairs of shoes will only be allowed to do so if they can fit the additional pairs of shoes in their own body cavities”

Not only yonnie but chris is hating on me. I thought we were cool ya’ll?

15 07 2008
Muse

Knat a woman at with a BMI of 20% is actually very healthy. Anything under 18% is underweight. Anything over 26% is overweight. A healthy woman should be between 18-25% BMI.

15 07 2008
Knatural

Exactly Muse.
And skrippers on a plane? Eww. No.

15 07 2008
Landon

BMI is bull shit according to them i should 170 pounds. I would look like a FUCKING CRACK HEAD… i am below the the fat percentage but i weight 30 lbs too much according to their STUPID fucking SCALE!

Muscle weighs more then FAT but those DUMB fucks would say i am over weight.. ASSHOLES!

@ne: its ok baby you can fly in my G-5 private plane… but um we have to join the mile high club!

15 07 2008

My heel broke while in New York, and now I always travel with 4 pair of heels, and a pair of sneakers.

15 07 2008

OK @ Landon.

Can I bring my shoes?

15 07 2008
Landon

Stilettos, knee high boots and clear heels only 🙂

15 07 2008
Landon

knautral i am not a fan of flying i need somethign to keep my mind off of crashing… lap dances and dranks will do the trick.

15 07 2008
Knatural

clear heels? AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH

15 07 2008
Jo

Looking at some of these suggestions…is anybody else reminded of Soulplane?

15 07 2008
Landon

I mean soul plane had some good ideas, horrible movie!

i mean a club in the sky would be hot real talk…

15 07 2008

I only have one pair of clear heels and thats for my sexy santa outfit.

15 07 2008
Landon

I LOVE YOU NE

15 07 2008
Africanchic

I’m still trying to figure out how the computer randomly picks me for cavity search, EVERY TIME I fly. I have a pretty “normal” sounding name. But yet it never fails.

15 07 2008
Landon

If was a crooked TSA Agent… i would have the “computer randomly” wink wink select certain women…

but if terrosit sent a FAT WOMAN my way she would get on with a problem…

but if they hide soem illegal stuff on a stripper or model i will find it! 🙂

15 07 2008

lol I love you too boo!

15 07 2008
Landon

get on with no problem! ecept on my airline no fat people allowed!

15 07 2008

Looking at some of these suggestions…is anybody else reminded of Soulplane?

lmaooo yesssssss

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

SBPH Airways is committed to uncompromisingly high customer service…as long as we think you’re good enough to be one of our customers.

In fact, so few people make it through our various screenings for fatness, stupidity, and racism, that no SBPH flight has ever had more than 20 passengers.

This, of course, eliminates the need for uncomfortable row-based seating you find on all those other airlines. Instead, our physically fit and intellectually superior clients relax in their choice of couches, hammocks, chaise lounges. Our first class passengers have additional options. The men may rest their heads on the plump but toned thighs of rap video dancers, while the women relax on huge piles of $100 bills confiscated from deadbeat fathers and fat white women found traipsing about the airports with attractive black men.

With so much room to spare (the Airbus A380 is the only aircraft SBPH uses), guests are free to provide their own entertainment in the form of everything from video game consoles, to personal strippers, to pickup games of football and basketball on the plane’s upper deck.

Offering so many comforts and amenities, you may think that our prices would be outrageous. This couldn’t be further from the truth. With all the fatties and retards constantly trying to board our planes and getting themselves melted, SBPH not only has zero fuel costs – we even make a profit selling the excess to our more ornery sister airline, Southwest. With fuel PROFITS able to cover most employee expenses, your extraordinarily low ticket price goes almost entirely toward the relatively low cost of aircraft maintenance and terminal fees.

SBPH Airways: Turning Fatties Into Fortune Since 2008

15 07 2008
Shay-d-lady

fat people gotta fly too, Damn!

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

-audio/visual controls will be mounted in the headrest in front so it doesn’t like like I’m reaching down to pleasure myself when really I’m just changing the station.

Queen2B – you are SO WRONG!!! Thanks to the touch screens in the headrest, Assy Mc Dumbass was ounching at my friggin headrest the whole flight!!

15 07 2008
Africanchic

@landon
If was a crooked TSA Agent… i would have the “computer randomly” wink wink select certain women…

maybe u just answered my question. lol

15 07 2008
Knatural

AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA …traipsing.
I hate you so much!
I love hammocks.

15 07 2008
sarah

i guess i fit all criteria to fly SBPH Air except the BMI requirement. but, since my IQ is well over 125, can their be some type of exception?

wait, what am i talking about… i don’t fly!

agreed with Landon; the BMI scale is very flawed, being inaccurate AND imprecise.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

12.) On the back of your boarding pass, you will find an IQ test. You must take this test upon arrival at the gate and submit it to the receptionist. If you score below 100, you will be melted into jet fuel

There needs to be an IQ test outside the bathroom door too.

15 07 2008

In fact, so few people make it through our various screenings for fatness, stupidity, and racism, that no SBPH flight has ever had more than 20 passengers.

This, of course, eliminates the need for uncomfortable row-based seating you find on all those other airlines. Instead, our physically fit and intellectually superior clients relax in their choice of couches, hammocks, chaise lounges. Our first class passengers have additional options. The men may rest their heads on the plump but toned thighs of rap video dancers, while the women relax on huge piles of $100 bills confiscated from deadbeat fathers and fat white women found traipsing about the airports with attractive black men.”

NICE!

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

sarah – you don’t fly? Why, may I ask? I have a special place reserved in my heart for hating people who don’t fly. There is so much in life that you will never see or experience by placing this this ridiculous limitiation on yourself.

15 07 2008
Jo

@Merri Lee: We could make the bathroom door the IQ test. Can’t get in? Hold it in, dammit.

I love hammocks and chaise lounges. If we could switch the 100-dollar bills for firm pectorals of Olympic swimmers or the laps of Olympic runners holding bunches of grapes, I’d spring for first class.

15 07 2008
Knatural

Can I get fanned by giant ostrich feathers while getting a foot massage on SBPH Air?

15 07 2008
Queen2B

“and fat white women found traipsing about the airports with attractive black men”

You beat me to it. We need a for sisters only lounge area because no matter how enlghtened or secure we are you see this coupling we will have something to say, especially if they’re ghetto. Also, don’t let there be pretty kids thrown in the mix. Once in the airport I saw this white lady carrying a Birkin with her three towheaded kids and their black nanny trailing them laden down like a pack animal. I wanted to go Harriet Tubman on them. Back up would have been nice.

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

SBPH terms and conditions
*dead*

15 07 2008
Landon

Damnit I have a HIGH IQ but those test arent short, I be PISSED… rushing answers and shit. Talk about taking a test under pressure as your bladder is about to explode.

15 07 2008
Landon

Personally i will be in the ASIAN Massage Cabin for massages and happy endings…

15 07 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

I flew down to Florida for my brother’s graduation, and I made a promise to myself that I will never fly Spirit Airlines ever the fuck again as long as I’m black.

I did have to check a bag, because I was down there for several days. In my defense, it was only a duffel bag. But I’m buying a carry-on case from now on:

1) Spirit charges $10 a bag each way per flight

2) I had to fly from Atlanta to Ft. Lauderdale and back up to Tampa

3) Because people don’t want to pay the baggage fee, you have all these people who bring as much as they can onto the flight.

4) When I walked onto the plane that was taking me from Ft. L to Tampa, these 2 Paris Hilton wannabes were blocking the aisle because they couldn’t put their brains together to figure out how to lift their carry-ons. They looked at me half expecting me to help lift their bags. I gave them my “Bitch, do I look like Geoffrey from ‘Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ look” and walked right through them to my seat.

5) There were so many people trying to bring their bags on board, the flight attendant finally got off her royal ass to make people check in their bags.

6) A fatass decided to board the flight at the last minute and they had to play musical chairs, because the fat fucker had to buy 2 seats.

7) They charged for water and M&M’s. FUCK THAT.

8) All this took longer than the actual flight.

9) When I got into Tampa, THE ASSHOLES LOST MY GODDAMN LUGGAGE. There was a guy ahead of me who had an engagement ring in his bag that he had to check in while he was on board the flight. He was planning to propose to his girlfriend, who was on the way to the airport to pick him up.

Now, he was one of those white guys with this air of entitlement to him, and he cursed the baggage lady out so poetically and mellifluously, that I didnt’ even bother to curse her out when it was my turn. “How in the flying fuck do you lose my fucking bag when you were just putting it under the fucking plane?!” I was wondering that too.

10) No, those asses didn’t give me my $10 back for not getting my luggage to me. “TSA was busy down in Ft. L, because we had 5 planes coming in at the same time, so it’s not our fault”.

But I did get it back the next morning.

The moral of the story? FUCK SPIRIT AIRLINES!

15 07 2008
Jo

Landon–you know you’re wrong.

15 07 2008
Landon

Jo:

i cant relax on planes… what am i suppose to, take drugs? I prefer a natural ways to relax… Massages and happy endings pre-date Jesus!

15 07 2008
puff

damn you landon, for the asian massage cabin comment.

all of this is so true about airports. although on the point of baggage claim – try flying into/out of africa. the amount of bags my family have lost only to have them turn up a week later full of decomposing soup/bush meat/fish/whatever the fuck else my mother feels compelled to bring with her across the atlantic because she can’t live three days without egusi or whatnot is appalling.

i’ve never flown domestic in the usa, but i will quite happily take a rifle to all of british airways racist grouchy ass motherfucking stewards. tell me why all the jacked-up-just-bought-for-$100-straight-out-of-afghanistan planes are what i have to fly on while every other route in the damn world gets the ones with the lil tvs in the seatback and shit.

fuck that, i’m investing in SBPH airways.

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

@Rev, funny thing is, TSA doesn’t check bags on incoming planes only those outbound. So more than likely the people contracted to pick the bags up and load them to the plane are to blame, but hey in the end you still didn’t get your bags and that is all that matters. I had US Airways lose my bag they same way and that was BEFORE TSA. I mean how hard is it to have my bag waiting once I get off the plane?

15 07 2008
Landon

TRY Flying to the DOminican Reupblic… i respect what they are doing because they are bringing clothes and supplies to family members… I mean its to the point I have no idea how the plane takes off. Little Juan all of 3 years old has a Bag the size of a honda Civic….

15 07 2008
Jo

Massage is one thing, but why the happy endings? Happy endings=more money necessary to hose down the plane after every flight=higher ticket prices. Shoot–you’re gonna need more than Merry Maids to get out those stains.

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

*sigh* SBPH airlines is making me so happy I could cry. My only issue is I need to find a way to get around the shoe restriction…what if I consider shoes as personal entertainment?

15 07 2008
B4Prez

Y’all know yall r wrong for banning the fat ppl like Jill Scott in that Tyler perry movie! I know all of yall have that fat aunt…how’s she gonna get to the reunion? And she’s probably the best cook, so there goes the fried chicken, mac n cheese and other “slave food”!

Yonnie : $50 surcharge if your name has an accent mark, any silent letters, or prefixes such as but not limited to La, Sha, Qua, etc.

So does that mean my cousin LaShaqua has to pay $150 extra?

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

Rev – that is the one thing that gets to me about baggage fees. If I don’t get it, I want double my money back.

15 07 2008
Muse

Virgin Airlines actually offers masssages and pedicures for their first class members on my flight to Paris. It was fantastic and the seats turned into a bed.

15 07 2008
ayo

Damn SBPH no books or internet access?
No Obama satellite office on board?
No complementary Native American Head Dress!!!?
NO FRIED CHICKEN??? wtf

15 07 2008
puff

@ landon – flying to nigeria: at heathrow in london, the british airways terminal now has a separate section where nigerians only have to get their bags pre-weighed before they even start queuing up to check-in. why? because we’re trying to carry back desktop computers complete with a flat screen (i kid you not) in our suitcases. we get a 64kg allowance cos we’re known for always packing too much shit.

15 07 2008

I agree doc. Nice negotiation lol

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

Ok what if my butt is the reason my BMI is over 20% I mean I can still fit in one seat and not squish the person next to me. Hell Angel Lola Luv has a BMI higher than 20%. I think that should be at the flight attendant of opposite sex discretion

15 07 2008
PrettyPiscesGirl

This post was HILARIOUS, since I just flew to/from Vegas recently. I flew on Southwest, which I’m glad I did…any other airline would have driven me friggin’ batty and someone might have been a casualty. My flights were enjoyable this time…they left on time and weren’t canceled, online check-in meant I didn’t have to stand in that long azz standard check in line, the curbside skycaps were friendly (actually flirtatious, but that’s a whole other story), planes weren’t max capacity so there was no fat ass trying to squeeze into the middle seat, and I paid less than $300 for all of this. Relative comfort and quickness…I was satisfied.

15 07 2008
B4Prez

LMAO@ No complementary Native American Head Dress!!!?

15 07 2008
Landon

As the recently appointed COO of SPBH Airlines (ms. Jersey Mom) You would have to complete a series of test to board, because of your particular dilema.

1. You would have to wear something formfitting and tight so we know the weight is due to your butt.
2. You have to make your Butt Clap or pick up a $50 Dollar bill with your ass cheaks. or one of our ” Liason Agents” has to be able to place a glass of water on your ass and it does not fall.

15 07 2008
Landon

If you do not pass the above test Ms Jersey please see our Fuel Policy!

15 07 2008
Bajan Girl

I have just recently been introduced to this site and it has quickly become my favourite place to visit (and a great mental escape from the prision of my nine to five). Normally I don’t leave comments but airport madness is a sore spot for me so I feel compelled to share.

After a decade of not setting foot on a plane (much less going into airports because I was that traumatised) I was faced with having to fly in order to go on the family vacation. So I was given sedatives (valium) by my doctor because I really did not want to catch a bullet because I freaked out on the plane. We get to the airport and I am already nervous and agitated. It is butt crack of dawn early (like 4am or something equally crazy) and I have not had my happy meds yet so I am not in the best frame of mind.

Enter uber power tripping TSA screener lady…

Long story short… valium is a controlled substance… carrying a controlled substance on your person is guaranteed to get you stopped, pulled out of the line, photo identification requested, the contents of your purse emptied, and every item opened and searched including the medication bottle (because obviously they can tell just by looking at the pill what it is or is not). After which you are then subjected to an ignorant line of questioning as they try to determine what you are carrying a controlled substance for.

Just an FYI: saying that you are trying to avoid a bullet to the brain at 50,000 feet may seem like a funny answer, but the TSA screeners have no sense of humour to speak of so they will not get the joke.

I will be taking another vacation with the family next month that requires me to get on a plane…sigh…hoping for the best, but also preparing my smart mouth answers for the stupid questions.

Side Note: once I actually got on the plane (on the return flight) the happy meds actually helped get my mom and I a better seat because I was orginally seated by myself…next to the emergency exit…everyone decided that was probably not a good idea so they moved me further up and asked the person next to me to change seats with my mom so she could keep an eye on me.

15 07 2008
Landon

SBPH airlines maintains the right to be Bias, prejudice, racist, sarcastic because we hate everyone therefore no one’s civil rights are violated. — management

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

why would you put a diamond ring in checked luggage?

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

At Rev Leon’s #4 – a acutally do get a bit annoyed when young men look at me trying to hoist my bag up over my head and into the overhead compartment and don’t lift a finger to help me. Its like giving up your seat on the bus to old people and pregnant women. Nobody said you HAVE TO do it (and they’ll probably be OK if you don’t), but its the decent thing to do.

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

@ Landon, that is just fine with me. I can pass that screening.

15 07 2008
Muse

I don’t want to hear ANYONE fucking complain about the TSA unless they’ve experienced the hellish airport known as LAX. I swear to god they recruite their TSA from crack houses and gang bangers in the hood. Actually when I was flying to DC for the 4th of July weekend, one of the TSA sporting cornrolls and baggy pants (loose dress code anyone?) tried to get my number. WTF?!

15 07 2008
puff

@ muse ahahahahahahahahahahaha i cannot believe dude tried to get your number.

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

According to Chris’s point 8, all White women will be allowed to fly SBPH Airlines. As usual, the true benefactors of affirmative action are allowed on top! GRRR.

15 07 2008
benjie

landon-

girls with flat asses can make em’ clap too. have you ever seen a flat assed chick in the strip club?? working harder than everyone else in that bitch… dancing so hard like she’s going into convulsions…

yeah. you might need to get another test

15 07 2008
Angie

To Keep Security out of Your Bags:
Guys:
Find the biggest Vibrator or Dildo you can find and place it on the very top of your packing. With a note “Touch me, you know you want to”

Girls:
Same thing, just add some stap-on gear.

Have done it, now I fly stress free (for the most part anyway)

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

I’m 5’9, and to have a BMI of 20 I would have to weigh 130 pounds. I don’t think that would be super sexy on me.

15 07 2008
Muse

Muse: ::waiting for her luggage to be screened ::
TSA thug: Wassup cutie how are you doing today
Muse: I’m good thank you ::Stares at celing::
TSA thug: Aww you going to DC eh, you want some company
Muse: Um No thanks just traveling to see friends and family he.. ::looks at watch and walks through the security check point but her dumb ass headband on which had metal so it sets off the alarm::
TSA thug: Lift your arms please…Ooh wee girl um um um…turn around please…
Muse: ::Feels violated::
TSA thug: When are you coming back to LA ma, maybe I take you to lunch
Muse: ::DODO butter face:: um I have a boyfriend (lie but hey it helps)
TSA thug: we can be friends
Muse: Can I go now?
TSA thug: Have fun on your trip ma, ::Winks:::
Muse: ::Cries inside and runs off to terminal 46.

15 07 2008
Muse

ST, White women will always get a pass. When will you accept that they always get extra benefits if they suck black dick? Soon they will start giving us advice on how to do our hair too LOL.

15 07 2008
Landon

Bnejie:

Yes you are right but if they have a flat ass and their BMI is over 20 that means their butt is not the cause for the violation therefor they are melted into jet fuel. HOwever, for Sista Toldja (and other like her) who happen to be carrying aroudn enough milk in their breast to feed a villiage that will also be taken into account.

Thank you Management.

15 07 2008
puff

@ ST yeah i went to the doctor and got weighed, and i got all paranoid and shit cos i’m just over 5’9 and damn sure don’t weigh anything near 130 pounds. fuck BMI, i’m not giving up food and losing my boobs and (small) ass for shit. shit is a scam.

15 07 2008
benjie

i havent weighed 130 in….

damn if i can even remember.
i dont even think i would look healthy at that weight. gross… like after kelly price had the gastric and it was a huge head on a teeny, tiny body.
thats not cool.

so,
as long as i can clap my ass i’m cool?

15 07 2008
Jo

Muse: I had an African man at DCA asking me where I was from. When I told him I was born in Connecticut he told me that was too bad, because I looked like a participant in a Kenyan beauty pageant. I just thanked him and tried to check my bag and walk off, but dude wanted to know where I was headed and if I was located locally. Fortunately, my mom called at just the right moment and I had an excuse to cut the conversation short.

15 07 2008
Dom

Didnt even read the post yet, just the topic got me pissed. Fu*k ALL airports especially all those lazy bastards at Logan, MIA, and LGA!

Now, back to the post…

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

Muse- LOL! Girl, I know. They have parlayed an unrelenting willingness to give head into a wellspring of worship from our men. Damn me and my (ever lowering) standards.

Uh, thanks Landon.

Puff- I have decided that my ideal BMI is what ever Toccara’s is in the Italian Vogue pics and I am committing my life to getting there.

15 07 2008
Joel Then

Hey people,

I’m a long time reader, first time commenter. My worst airport experience had to be at JFK Airport on a JetBlue flight to Fort Lauderdale, FL. I’m a 22 year-old catcher from Brooklyn, NY and I was invited to Spring Training by the St. Louis Cardinals (I was trying to make their Minor League system). Upon reaching the airport I was informed that I had to check-in all of my baseball equipment with the exception of my Maple bats (which would break if crushed by all the other luggage). As I went through the security checkpoint, the TSA officers pulled me off to the side (after taking no more than 10 seconds to go through the checkpoint successfully), and they placed me in an imaginary box (which was a box drawn on the carpet by four pieces of yellow tape). After waiting here for 32 minutes, I was questioned by three TSA agents. I showed them my Spring Training invitation, hotel information, etc. They made me check in the bats (which luckily weren’t broken when I arrived in Fort Lauderdale) and wished me luck on my tryout. When I arrived in Fort Lauderdale, all of my luggage had a TSA notice stuffed in it that said my bags had been searched. I went on to Spring Training, where the only people who had to deal with any airport nonsense were the 4 Japanese pitchers and a few other Dominican players….

It surely didn’t help that I was some kid from Brooklyn. They were looking at me like I was full of shit….

15 07 2008
Dom

Matter of fact Fu*k Dulles too. Hell, everywhere damn American Air flies. Just Fu*k American Air Period!

Okay Im really done now.

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

in my alcoholics anonymous voice Hiiiiiiiiii Joel Then

15 07 2008
Joel Then

Hey Yonnie. 🙂

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

I lost a bunch of weight on The Break Up Diet and I was down to 130-135 for a few months. However, as my ego recovered, so did my appetite. I need to get to the inside of a gym.

15 07 2008
15 07 2008
Jeresmom

@joel then, If I were you i would have gotten the name of the idiot that told me BATS were allowed on the plane. I mean If you can’t take bottled water, why the hell would you be allowed bats. And that’s not a dig at you but the rep who didn’t want to do the extra paperwork to have the bats checked.

15 07 2008
Muse

Once upon a time I was 5’9 and 135 and was SUPER skinny. Right now my cruising weight is 160-165 which my doctor said is fine for my height and body type. But my personal goal next 2 months is to get down to 145-150 for optimal fitness. Working 70hrs a week and having the fat food cart at my job has is starting to creep up on me and I can’t allow tasty meals my job provides to interfer with my sexy.

However I don’t think people should get hung up on weight. They need to look at their body type how their cloths fit and their overall health. If you are huffing and puffing after walking a block then there a a problem regardless of your size. Some people are very muscular and carry weight differently. Also Black people tend to carry more muscle than folks of other ethnic groups (let’s keep it real don’t get offended)

15 07 2008
Joel Then

@Jeresmom: I was thinking the exact same thing, but it was the TSA agent who told me to take them with me. He wasn’t new either, he was older, so I assumed he knew what he was talking about (boy, was I wrong)…

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

Would you rather be a Huxtable or a Simmons? I’m leaning for Simmons. I’d fit right in: Diggy, Russy, Yonnie

15 07 2008
Shavonne Nicole

Seeing as I have to fly out of Reagan in the a.m., thanks for this post.

In response to Landon’s post: “SBPH airlines maintains the right to be Bias, prejudice, racist, sarcastic because we hate everyone therefore no one’s civil rights are violated. — management”
–Classic!–

15 07 2008
Knatural

Jo – it’s ‘cuz we like a little meat on our bones…
Still, I see more grossly, obese Black women than I care to. Balance.

15 07 2008
Muse

In order to get an accurate BMI account, use a Skinfold Calipers (Callipers)
or Hydrostatic Weighing machine. Using just the height and weight will not accurrately tell someone their BMI. Take Serena Williams for example, that woman has gone on record and said she weighs about 18lb5. If we just looked at her weight as a number and not address other factors she would be considered overweight. However she probably has a body fat percentage of less than 15% because she’s all muscle (even that ass of her is just a huge muscle LOL)

15 07 2008
Knatural

Serena’s ass weighs about 85lbs. alone…

15 07 2008
sarah

@Yonnie – in my earlier comment, i stated i have a fear of falling. i am not afraid of actual planes, but the thought of putting myself in a situation where i cannot use my feet to assure myself of the ground frightens me to no end. seriously, my heart skips a beat everytime i have to go down stairs and if i should happen to stumble, even on flat pavement, i get freaked out. one of my sorors is going to Vegas for her 25th and when she invited me to come, i started to cry immediately at the thought of getting on a plane. i do plan to travel, as there are other means to see the world, its just going to take me more time and money.

@Muse – i am 5’8 and my goal is to get down to 155-160lbs. no way do i see myself being 145lbs! i lost 30lbs recently and everyone on the job is looking at me like, “you dont need to lose no more weight!” i dont know if its really because i am getting really small or if its some sort of hate going on.

15 07 2008
Landon

hate!

15 07 2008
Saun

@Muse – so true, so true. I just went to the doctor and both the doctor and the nurse looked at me and said ” I never thought you would weigh that much”. Most people can’t accurately judge the number versus what the weight looks like on a person. In high school I was 9% body fat (I was an athlete with a build similar to Serena) and didn’t have enough body fat to float in a swimming pool. I’ve since gained 10-15 lbs but I still don’t have enough to really float easily.

15 07 2008
benjie

i have no idea what my goal weight is.
when i was in hs and i was 175, i looked as if i were about 150.
and i still felt huge.
now…
i think i’m in the 180-190 range and people are screaming at me to stop losing weight. like seriously… yelling “girl you know you need to eat something”

i’ll be happy again when i’m a size 10 (again)

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

@ joel then,, that is just plain stupid on their part. I mean I liked working at TSA and all but some people were just stupid

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“ST, White women will always get a pass. When will you accept that they always get extra benefits if they suck black dick? Soon they will start giving us advice on how to do our hair too LOL.”

I’m going to get hanged for this, but fuck it…

White women give head, black women…relinquish it. White women do it enthusiastically, without being asked, and without expecting a 40 kt diamond tennis bracelet in return. Black women (tend to) act like giving you head is like sawing off one of their arms.

Just sayin…

On another note, I’d like to congratulate the living shit out of myself for choosing Landon as SBPL Airways’ COO (Chief Oggling Officer). My management skills are beyond reproach.

15 07 2008
sarah

thanks Landon 🙂

@benjie – there is a such thing as viceral fat. sort of a fat skinny person syndrome, where seemingly slim people carry fat stores around their organs instead of subcutaneously. BTW, viceral fat is much more unhealthy than subq (more traditional) fat cause its difficult to diagnose.

15 07 2008
Jo

@SBPH:

Proposed Psych Study: “Do White Women Really Enjoy Giving Head More Than Black Women?”

Primary theory:

White women tend to have lower self-esteem and thus have a need to please others (i.e.: men). Black women don’t give a fuck.

Discuss.

15 07 2008
Landon

190? i mean each to their own and as muse said if you are healthy so be it…

personally i am 210 and in pretty good shape and i am trying to get down to about 200. but hey… do what you do…

CEO Chris (Thank you) and i will make you proud as your COO… I will leave no rock unturn that could lead to discrimination and elimnating those we do not want on our airline. It will be the new in thing for models and other people who would want to say, i have flown SBPH Airlines. WE will be the Sciencetology of the Airways. THE IN THING>>> We will hire comics to be our ticket agents to make sure we turn people away in style and have the masses laughing at them as they are rejected.

15 07 2008
Mrs.Epps

Ok since I have to actually work to day IM replying late as hell. Gotta love The Man.

Ahhh Airports…gotta love em…last time i was at an airport was on my way to Dc coming from Florida. Ppl are fucking retarded. I was in line at the E-ticket place watching the retard in front of my break the shit so I had to go to the standard line where the guy behind the counter continued to hit on me and say I had to pay for some extra shit. I wasnt having it and told his ass to get the manager.. he didnt and let me pass.I had that”mother fucker i aint paying for shit look” so I walking towards the security check point.. I was pissseeeeddd there were like millions of ppl standing in line already. so finally when i get to the damn medal detector, there was this old lady in front of me and she made it go off.. this lady had her keys, watch,metal hair clips, belt ect on. I whisper to myself “Fucking aye Grandma” and the guy behind me laughed. like 15 mins later after she takes all her crap off she goes through it again and it goes off. Im like GREAAATTTTT. She forgot about something but could remember what was medal so the chick”wands” her and it beeps at her hip. Then the lady goes “oh i have a medal plate in my hip. FUCKINNN AYEEE. we were in line for a good 45mins. I go through the detector doesnt beep Im tryna go around the lady but she is sooo wide i cant pass her until she finishes and I tell her ” Lady excuse me” and she gets an atittuded and says ” Oh arent you in a hurry for such a young lady”.

At this point I didnt give a fuck. Because my plane was boarding early im like ” Im going to miss my flight move your big ass out my way”. she looked shocked and moved. So Im finally on the plane and the guy sitting next to me was talking my ear off about his new Italian resturant opening up in DC like a gave a shit. I just smiled and nodded and looked out the window and ate my “salt and pepper” chips and my 1/2 can sprite.

15 07 2008
Muse

Chris,

Perhaps I will get in trouble for this but a lot of White women I’ve been around are sexually loose…. If she’s quick to suck your dick, then imagine how many other dicks have also been in her mouth? I know plenty of Black women who love to pleasure their MAN (as in the guy who she is in an exclusive long term committed relationship with). Why suck on some random penis? I need people to have some damn standards. Not every penis is worthy of being in your mouth.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

WTF?? You know ticket prices won’t go down.

15 07 2008
Jeresmom

I think white women have to give head to make up for the fact that they have no ass

15 07 2008
Knatural

AAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAH@Jeresmom.

15 07 2008
Muse

Jo,

My head game is on point and I enjoy making a guy’s toes curl ; ) but as I stated previously not every man earned the right to get his penis sucked. I hate the stupid stereotype that normal Black women are sexually repressed. Maybe we are just waiting for the right person to let loose with? Maybe we just not that into you? Maybe it’s the man? Some guys suck at making a woman feel comfortable enough to let loose in bed. Men should be mindful of how they speak about females because we absorb everything you say,store it for later and may use it against you.

15 07 2008
sarah

yeah, i thought we discussed this topic already?

15 07 2008
Mrs.Epps

oh yea btw-5’10 180 pounds…my doctor says im healthy. IO dont feel fat nor do i look fat.

carry on 🙂 When I broke up with my ex i was down to 145 pound that shut was not cute.. my mom thought I was sick and not eating when I was but I was drinking heavily and smoking 1/2 a pack of Newports a day. It was bad! But I got my weight back up obviously and I dont drink as much as i use to surprisingly and i quit smoking.

15 07 2008
Mrs.Epps

LMAOOAOOAOAOAOAOGEWAGHKJ@ Jemerson!!! i think your right

15 07 2008
Saun

@Muse,
Better words have not been spoken. For “MY” man, I’ll do damn near anything but if 1.) I don’t know you’re latest STD results and 2) you have treated me with the respect to tell your family and friends I’m your woman then you probably ain’t gettin much out of me either. My biggest concern is that I’m not tryin to find out what another woman tastes like…..feel me!

15 07 2008
Muse

Sarah we probably did but that’s SBPH, We turn a conversation about airline travel to sucking dick.

BTW White women are over-fucking-rated.

I get the doodoo butter look on my face when Black men make a big deal about them. I simple don’t get it. I can understand attractiion Latinas, Indians, and even Asian women, but White women, I don’t get the hype. Can someone help me?

There I said it. I Let me be free………….

15 07 2008
Knatural

Muse, true.
Here’s a question: Why is ‘suck my dick’ and insult for? Why is something that women are supposed to do, with fervor and skill, an insult?

15 07 2008
Jo

Muse,

You’re preaching to the choir. What I meant was that black women are more discerning–we aren’t gonna give head just ’cause a man wants it.

“Not every penis is worthy of being in your mouth.”

I am right there with you.

15 07 2008
Muse

Saun can the church say Amen? Has anyone heard of HERPES? AIDS? You can’t get near my mouth or vagina I see some test results and they better say NEGATIVE. I’ve had guys dump me because they though I was extra with the test results request but hey I can proudly say I’ve always been STD free. STDs are freaking gross and too many people are running around diseased and not knowing it.

15 07 2008

I agree muse.

I am not sucking any random penises waking up talking about “who’s dick is thisss???” (maybe that’s the difference between them and us)

If you are my man you will get head without question or me expecting diamonds. It’s apart of sex and pleasing your mate.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

WHAT?????!!! Don’t be lookin at me crazy.

15 07 2008
Muse

knat I never said sucking dick was an insult…I’m confused by your question…A woman who had mad head skills is empowered : )

It’s amazing what men do when they are whipped…but if you just give it away like water then what value do you have?

Jimmy Choos and Christian Louboutins wouldn’t be so fabulous if everyone can purchase them right?

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

I seem to recall something about comments about giving/getting head, but I wasn’t around for that one, so sue me.

“BTW White women [giving head] are over-fucking-rated.”

No, they’re not. Sorry.

That is all.

15 07 2008
sarah

i went to a womens college. true story, i have met more white women who hate giving head than black women. white women are just more vocal and willing when it comes down to it because they don’t encounter the stigma associated with it, like Knat implied. the #1 insult when i was growing up, coming from black men, was “bitch, suck my dick!” so, as a black woman, we tend not to be so vocal about a willingness, or a love, of giving head, cause we prolly grew up with such negative connotations about it.

15 07 2008
Muse

Chris you misread my comment. I said: BTW White women are over-fucking-rated

Blah.

As a man I’m sure anyone who sucks dick gets a gold star.

15 07 2008
Mrs.Epps

Chirs-“BTW White women [giving head] are over-fucking-rated.”

No, they’re not. Sorry.

That is all.

hahahah you only say that because white girls give you the time of day! And that you dont wanna work hard for a sista… dont front hahahah…. all love Chris all love!

15 07 2008
Muse

Speaking of which, a few tourist were arrested for participating in an oral sex competion. They were all White women… go figure.

http://uk.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idUKL1453253120080714

15 07 2008

Isn’t this a fantasy airline?

Proceed with the white girls giving the black men head.

Just have a gorgeous man for each woman giving massages and fellatio to the women…

On our airline there will be a scan before you even check in for instant std test. I think it’s safe to say that management will melt anyone with the cooties

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Chris you misread my comment. I said: BTW White women are over-fucking-rated”

I didn’t mis-read it – I inserted the [giving head] part to qualify the statement. I agree that on the whole, white chicks are VERY overrated. But gatDAMN they can get down on some gobblin’.

And such.

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“…giving massages and fellatio to the women…”

Who wants this one?

Anybody….?

15 07 2008
Esquire

Chris,
I would beg to differ, I think there a lot of black women who will give head willingly and enthusiastically, if they are in a relationship, treated right, and are getting some head reciprocated to them. But then again, maybe just my friends and I are nasty.

15 07 2008
Muse

Then you might have enjoyed the dick sucking competition that took place in Greece.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

^^^Muse – you jackin my steez? (see above comment by me) :-)~

15 07 2008
Knatural

I know Muse. I was throwing that out as another question. It goes back to how men should be careful about what they say, phrases they use, actions, etc. that effect women’s sexual psyche. I should have clarified. I’m stupid.

15 07 2008
Muse

A lot of men suck at giving cunnilingus so I’m going to pass unless the SBPH airlines offers a special training course. I will volunteer to teach it if necessary.

15 07 2008

**head to the women

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

Dammit, my network is slooooooooooow today. Maybe I should do some work then *shudders*

15 07 2008
benjie

landon-
what’s wrong with 190?? every woman in the world can’t wear a size 2, and i highly doubt that that’s how men want it to be.

so me and my 190, (kinda…i say kinda cause i’m lazy) healthy, thick ass are gonna sashay over to the airlines who like to feel flesh and not skin and bone.
smh.

and…
i agree with jo.
those white girls who are hella amped to put a black dick in their mouths are doing so they can feel loved and wanted and accepted. and they do all that extra shit (there was a girl in hs who loved to tell stories that involved her spitting jizz all over her man’s chest, and then cleaning it up and swallowing. yuck.) b/c they wanna hook and keep said black dick around.
i happen to hang with a group of black women who love to give head. LOVE.
but we just happen to care who’s dick it is

15 07 2008
Esquire

I agree with you Sarah,
I think a lot of black women do it, we just dont talk about it or brag about it. I dont go to work talking about it. I just know that my man is happy. Hey, I have to do something, I dont have a Serena Williams ass.

15 07 2008

“Women who perform the act of fellatio on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, …”

-CNN.com study

15 07 2008
Esquire

SHUT UP NE!!!!

15 07 2008
Mrs.Epps

I had an ex that didnt give two scoops of poop about getting his dick suck but he was more than willing to give me head EVERYTIME… it was great he was awesome at it :-D…

dick sucking competition WOWWWWWWW

15 07 2008

lol maybe this is why my screenings have been clear

15 07 2008
Bajan Girl

“If she’s quick to suck your dick, then imagine how many other dicks have also been in her mouth?”

@Muse… THANK YOU!!!

please tell me you live in NYC (or in the tri-state for that matter) so I can buy you a drink…

15 07 2008
Esquire

No for real, Shut up!! lol Im trying my best to google that fact now.

15 07 2008
15 07 2008
sarah

@Né – i know that you know that article was a joke

oral sex competition?! wild!!! licking balls while sucking dick at the same time… here i thought i was doing something special 😦

15 07 2008
Amadeo

Fuck checking a bag. Every woman I know checks bags. I’m sorry that whole “the airline lost my luggage” happens to often for me to EVER check a bag. I will buy shit when I get there then stick in my bag, then shove and cram it into the overhead.

Channeling Ben Stiller:

“Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I’m a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch. ”

And um…white girls do give up the head shot alot quicker and with more gusto…without prereqs.

15 07 2008
Mrs.Epps

Ne thank you for those “facts”

15 07 2008
Muse

Bajan girl I’m in the process of relocating to the east coast. I’m trying to figure out my graduate school plans since HBS waitlisted me (::Tears::) But I should be in NYC within the next few weeks (my travel schedule is mad crazy right now). I’ll keep folks posted when I’m in NYC. Hehehe

But seriously many Black women I know just want a guy to adore them and when they get that, it’s on!

Thinking back on my interesting dating experience there was probably one guy who I truly adored and when we were intimate my goal was to make him say my name in tongues LOL.

15 07 2008

@ sarah you are insulting me darling.

15 07 2008

lol muse I have a story

15 07 2008
Mrs.Epps

Aight ya”ll i gotta to work for the next 3 hrs!! adios..talk about sex for me too! hahaha

15 07 2008
Bajan Girl

@Muse… the east coast looks forward to welcoming you

“But seriously many Black women I know just want a guy to adore them and when they get that, it’s on!”

Same with the majority of the ladies I know… the act isn’t an issue, it is just a matter of wanting to know a person and have some kind of connection to them first… when in a committed, intimate relationship all bets are off and nothing (within in the realm of natural and not requiring traction or a visit to the chiropractor afterwards) is off limits

15 07 2008
Jo

Ne–post it!

15 07 2008
sarah

maybe its a good thing God made me a girl, cause there is no way i would allow myself to have any type of sexual relations without prereqs, as Amadeo put it. if a guy just came up to me, and without knowing him for more than an hour offered me oral sex, i would be more than suspect about it. i guess its a guy thing, in which case i aint mad at ya.

15 07 2008
Knatural

Muse on the east coast? Uh oh!

15 07 2008
shabooty

I’m still waiting for Snakes On A SoulPlane Starring Hizarold and Kizzlemar

15 07 2008
Esquire

Ne I forwarded that article to my husband. He thought it was hilarious.

When did “Friended” become a word? I think I must join Facebook. Im behind on lingo apparently.

15 07 2008
ayo

Black women don’t get excited about sucking dick because Black men don’t get excited about slobbing down the nappy dug-out.
Maybe if yall GOT BETTER @ carpet munching, we’d get more excited about the whole dick to mouth thing.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

Esquire – I think it sounds like one of those double “ed” words. (eg light – skinneded”

15 07 2008
Amadeo

@ Ayo

I call Shenanigans on that one. It’s not that sista’s don’t do it…it’s just white girls do it quicker and without pre-conditions more often.

That’s a real motivating factor.

The one exception I could think of was mixed and raised by her white mother? Coincidence?

15 07 2008
Knatural

Amadeo – What are these ‘pre-conditions’ you speak of?

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

I don’t believe in casual sex – meaning I only have sex in exclusive committed relationships. Having said that, I’d have sex with a guy before I’d go down on him. Is it accurate to say that it is typically the opposite for white women? Or maybe I’m alone in this.

15 07 2008
shabooty

black chix like the pussy suckd down to the pinkmeat.

15 07 2008
ayo

@ Amadeo: yea… we DO it. SOME of us just dont get AS excited b.c yall dont get excited about the exchange. You know? The get face down action.
but you’re right… white girls do it quicker. and more excidely. and happily. Therefore… they are more than welcome on SBPH Air. No doubt.
YT girls also have a higher proportion of cold sores… go figure.
I hope condoms are on board.
**** and no taking Magnums unless you REALLY need them!

15 07 2008
ayo

Finally I agree with you Shabooty… just no chewing. Gross. And Owww!

15 07 2008
Amadeo

“wanting to know a person and have some kind of connection to them first… when in a committed, intimate relationship”

“because Black men don’t get excited about slobbing down the nappy dug-out”

“if they are in a relationship, treated right, and are getting some head reciprocated to them”

From this board without going back too far.

15 07 2008
ayo

Yonnie.. yes… My white friend refer to sex actions ‘hooking up’. I don’t get down with casual sex acts… its 2008 and AIDS, HPV etc are at terrible levels. Also my white friends say ‘he hooked me up so I returned the favor’. Like they gave them $5 on some gas or something. The YT’s also love to dabble in bi-sexual activities but will get married and pop out 6 kids faster than you can blink.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

I think this thread has set a record for most accidental 8) 😀 😉 s

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

Don’t get me (or any of the other dudes here) wrong – we’re not saying that white girls just chomp down on the meaty lizard within 2 days of knowing you. If I did that, I’m sure I’d have the clap like 2/3 of all the white frat boys out there.

I’m talking about after you’ve been with a girl for ‘awhile’ (say 3 – 4 months or so?) and it’s STARTING to get serious. That’s about the time I start munching carpet (happily, I might add) and would expect some sort of reciprocity.

My experience, and obviously I can’t speak for ALL black women so get of my (figurative) nuts, has been that a.) the only women that didn’t reciprocate were black, and b.) the ones that do aren’t nearly as enthusiastic about it as white girls.

Dig?

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

hahahaha ayo – when I read that, “he hooked me up,” I was thinking, did he pass you some extra fries out the window or something?

15 07 2008
Muse

Ayo wanna know what is so sad? My regular gynecologist is on vacation so I had to the other OBGYN at her practice. Anyway this man (yeah a guy gyno lol) was surprised that that I haven’t had any STDs, abortions, or a bunch of random penis in me. Last time I checked my vagina is not the village bicycle. I blame the media that portraying modern young women as whores who fuck without a purpose. One of my girlfriends is a 25 year old virgin and quite frankly I’m so damn proud of her for waiting because sex is a very emotional issue for women. The ladies feel free to cosign or disagree but if you haven’t had sex with a guy isn’t it soooooooooooo much easier to get over him?

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

muching carpet? c’mon now, was that really necessary?

15 07 2008
mrsepps

Chris I can dig it…

carry on. I told myself I would stay off this site for the next 2 1/2 hrs…sigh..

“he hooked me up” hahahah white ppl r sooo funny.. I thought the same thing Yonnie.. he hooked you up with a large sprite or got ray ray to fix the car. ahhaha

15 07 2008
Amadeo

@ Knatural

If you’re going to carry sex in it’s totality like that cool. But why have to jump through hoops for one act that’s not anal and doesn’t involve a gimp suit?

Anything that requires extra accessories (people) or possible painful exploration is cool to have prereqs.

Anything else…making it a big deal makes whatever it’s counterpart is a big deal as well.

…And I’m the goddamned clit commander.

Co-sign chris. Some black girls will…some do it well. But more of them there was something else or some detail or request first. With White girls it was like, “Oh…I see you’ve met my friend.”

15 07 2008
ayo

But… even tho I talk about YT women here, Black women are often sexually repressed. OR… they (like Muse said) need men to PROVE their worth. Which could be time consuming from a mans perspective but NECESSARY from a womans perspective. Sadly, many men aren’t interested in the emotional commintment to get to the happy penis sucking stage. In many other countries sex is regarded more openly and free than in America and our morals listed here reflect that.

15 07 2008
shabooty

i get my mexican maid to munch the carpet , while i do the plowing…

15 07 2008
Muse

Very true. I also think sex is an extension of that emotional connection which is why I don’t understand casual sex. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic but sex can be a deeply spiritual experience where two people’s souls intertwine and and….

FUCK WHAT THE HELL AM SAYING?! I SOUND LIKE A DAMN SIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

Benjie- It sounds like we are in the same boat. I’ve lost 40 pounds since my life biggest. Even when I was that big, I had people saying “Oh, you not BIG big, you not Monique-big and you got big boobs.” This is Black people being our own worse enemies. I was 21 years old then and if I stayed on that path I would be 250 pounds after child birth! If I lost another 20 pounds, I’d be plenty straight. But I think I am gonna push further and aim for 35. I need to have a few years to do the damn-near-naked-in-the-club thing before I settle down and get married. And I’d rather be a little smaller than my personal ideal (Toccara size) than one fish sammich away from fat! So far, my breasts have not gotten MUCH smaller. I hope they remain disproportionately big for the rest of my life.

I’m good looking as we speak, fyi. Just making improvements on the house is all.

15 07 2008
Jo

@Amadeo

“I’m the goddamned clit commander.”

DEAD.

15 07 2008
mrsepps

Cosign Muse.. sex is very emotional for women.. I could never see how my friends casually had sex. Its like ok you dont get attached???!!! I know I do and that why everyone I have ever had sex with I was dating seriuosly. well except my ex roomate (ahaha).

15 07 2008
ayo

I’m the goddamned clit commander.
go ahead with your bad self Amadeo… Sounds like you need a title on SBPH Air too.

And Yonnie….. it is sad. and the statistics reflect that.

15 07 2008
Muse

Ayo, not giving up the pussy is an excellent bullshit filter. If a man is only interested in sex he will get tired of waiting and move on. God bless those mother fuckers too.

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“…ya’ll are lying about how much of a catch you guys really are.”

I never said I was a catch. I fucking suck.

15 07 2008
Landon

Pissed off after a meeting:

1. This whole HEAD thing. Only fooled around w/ one white girl in my life (no sex) head was ok.
a. Not sure about the other fellas but I can only recall once in my life when a “black girl” refused to give me head. I promptly showed her the door. SO this MYTH about black girls dont suck dick ” as readliy” is a FUCKING MYTH. Just like anything, there are girls who do it BAD and girls who do it like its their FUCKING JOB. TO me head is just the prelude to sex… (Thats me)
b. Maybe there is something about me that white women dont really like and they just dont want to drop down and give me head. Maybe its because i really dont approach them… But one thing i know is every women i have ever had sex with, i have recieved head. (95% ) of the women i have had sex with were black the other 5% were latino. GOT HEAD!
C. @muse dick sucking competition? Have you ever seen LUKEs Freak Fest – he got head on stage by multiple black women. Prince on Stage (ditto)
1. Super Head (damnit shes called super head) BLACK
2. One thing Black women do more then White women is say they dont do something when damn well they do it behind close doors. Yes you be damned to find a bunch of black chicks doing girls gone wild… But damnit to hell they show up in full WHORE FORCE for music videos. (TIP DRILL ANYONE)
Getting angry at the BULL SHIT SOMETIMES GIRLS WRITE ABOUT… no offense… they say one thing but in reality behind close doors in prviate (as it should be) they doing the same thing they are Shakign there heads at.

15 07 2008
mrsepps

Im the goddamned clit commader

*I quit….im putting in my 2 weeks..

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

God bless my COO.

15 07 2008
Muse

Shut up Landon.

I hate to say this but I agree with most of your points. Personally I have nothing to hide so I’m speaking candidly about my own experiences. Working 70+hrs a week and traveling for work limits my time to get caught up LOL.

Usually I’m booed up anyway….

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

Chris made the statement about Black women relinquishing head, whereas White women give it freely. I don’t doubt that to some extent, as we are socialized differently. When I was in high school, I remember my girlfriends saying “Oh, I will NEVER suck dick. That is nasty”. Where as, on the other side of the cafeteria, Becky and nem were trading gag reflex tips. I don’t know 100% for sure why we differ so. I think part of it is the media portryal of Black female sexuality and us subconciously feeling like certain acts will lead us to be viewed as whores. And we all know for a group of young Black folks, the WORST thing you can do is be the class/neighborhood hoe. Basically, adult Black women are carrying some of the same attitudes we learned as children and teens.

So imagine that you have been messing around with guys since you were 15 or 16, and your attitude about head has been that it will either make you look like a hoe, or that you have to save it for someone special. And you are listening to rap music where goons talk about hoes sucking they dicks all day long. The idea of giving a blowjob is not gonna appeal to you so much.

Also- lets look at the men, mmmkay? Knowing that Black women tend to be funny about head….how did you try to get her to do it? Did you grab her hair and gently push her head towards your crotch? This is a good way to get some WACK head, or none at all. Did you give her some head first? No? Oh, well then you don’t deserve any, selfish bastard.

In closing- the same way Black men demand that we are sensitive to their unique plight as the beleagured Black man, you guys have to understand how we have been given mixed messages about head. Be gentle and respectful with a lady, until you have built a sexual repore with her that allows for hair pulling and “suck it like you mean it”*. My big problem with Black men is that they require so much understanding, but yet are not willing to go out of their way for Black women. So some of them will pass us up for White girls because of the sexual hang-ups, instead of trying to work with us. Anything y’all want, we have it in our ranks. It just takes a little more time.

*- I would warn ANY man, however, to NEVER SAY THAT SHIT TO ME.

15 07 2008
shabooty

muse what was your point? 70+hours of work a week + heavy traveling makes your dugout, nappy and you have swamp-ass?
heh just kidding…………….

15 07 2008
mrsepps

Landon-TO me head is just the prelude to sex… (Thats me)

FUCKING RIGHTTT!!! that’s how i see it too.. like my man… he likes head but he rather get the puss. Getting head to him is like window shopping..no point. I’ll spend a whole 5 mins going to work and he’ll be like DAMMIT FUCK IT and throw me down and get down lol…

15 07 2008
Knatural

Video hoes get paid…Girls Gone Wild chicks don’t. Right? Black girls have a price, I guess.

15 07 2008
sarah

Landon gets so… emotional!

15 07 2008
ayo

@sarah: I didnt say that there was anything wrong with Bi-sexual activities. Go for yours.

But… Landon is right: Black girls do go down. The disqualifier here is that you appear to be a nice, educated, attractive, funny, guy who is in with the buppie elite and has a tendancy towards relationships. Of course you penis is getting sucked. Damn you for mentioning Luke dancers and Superhead here tho. We NEVER said there werent any Black Hoes. (They all fall into the rap -not hip hop – department so they don’t count.) lol.

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

Me personally, I DO believe in casual sex. Sex is too good for me to wait to be in a relationship to get it. Casual head is fine, but it has to be reciprocal. I’ve never let a man go there who I wasn’t willing to do the same for. Nor have I given head to a man who was on some “Oh, baby I don’t eat pussy.” The response: “Really, that’s cool, cause I don’t give head. Now, let’s have intercourse before I decide to just kick you the fuck out of my house.”

Men who don’t enjoy pleasing a woman and who don’t work at it are immature and selfish. If a man does what he is supposed to do, I will bless him back. I will put my heart into whatever I am doing if I care about it getting done well. I don’t give head to men I don’t want to make scream. But if I am giving a man some dome, I am working at it like it’s my duty.

15 07 2008
Esquire

ok I agree with you now Chris.

But I think a lot of (younger) black women LIE about it. “hee hee I dont do that” Then she gets on her knees like a pro. Who do you think Lil Wayne was rapping (if you call it that) about?

Black women will do things a white woman does, but I think most of us have been taught the “Lady in the streets, Freak in the sheets mentality” I BET if men quit running thier mouths about when it does happen, black women would be doing it more freely and talking about it more honestly.

15 07 2008
Amadeo

@ Sarah

The lamest dude you know with proper motivation and guidance will be SWIMMING IN IT.

@ Sista Toldja

I used to tell dudes to stop using “suck my dick” as an insult…they were ruining it for all of us.

Now here is one of my beefs: Women being overly bothered by swallowing or a dude coming their mouth. I’ll just say this – that moisture you ladies produce is not deer park spring water and it’s more then just a one shot deal like we do. I have never understood that. I look like I ate a glazed donut and you keep saying “tell me when you’re about to cum”.

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

If you are my man and we are in an exclusive committed relationship, and I have decided that you are worthy of me giving you head, I welcome “suck it like you mean it,” and please play in and/or grip (I SAID GRIP NOT PULL DAMMIT!!!) my hair. Thank you

15 07 2008
Landon

Tired of the SHIt Talking… maybe i am just angry because WHITE WOMEN DONT LIKE ME… I don’t know… GIVE ME MY SISTAS ANY DAY (Light, dark, red bone, yella, straight hair, nappy hair, short hair, long hair, dreads) but as long as they got some NEGROID BLOOD IN THEM!
But what i do know… I love getting Head. Only really messed with Brown Women in my life. They must have liked giving head because I wanted to give some of them AWARDS… Lollipop Award (Best Ball Licker), DOC AWARD (DEEP THROATING WITH NO GAG REFLEXAWARD), Multi-tasker award (self explanatory), Kid Killer Award (Swallows) and a couple more i can not think of.
WE still act as if sex is TABOO when we are suppose to be GROWN. IF you can not expand your sexual appetite and curiosity there is a good chance you will end up SINGLE for the rest of your life. Yes Sex is emotional BUT FUCKING ISNT… sometimes you just need to FUCK… Just like sometimes you just need to GET DRUNK, or hit something… It lets you release energy sometimes for good or bad reasons. But we are too damn grown on this site to hide behind myths and bullshit!

15 07 2008
maya

When I was in 8th grade, my white friends were already sucking dick.

Here’s my stance on head:

– It’s not something to fuck around with — either do it, and do it right, or kill yourself.

– Reciprocity is key.

– Good head > sex

And I know damn well that I like doing it, but not everyone leaves me convinced its worth doing. While white girls may start earlier, I hear that they def. don’t hone their craft

15 07 2008
Landon

Why the hell would i get in a relationship with a women

a. i never had sex with?
b. I never got head from?

Would you buy a car without taking a test drive?
Would you buy a house with out looking at the property?

As my GodFather would say, if she wouldnt do it before (when you are trying to impress one another) why in the hell would she do it after she has you…

15 07 2008
Amadeo

Head is Christian…it’s how these young folks with promise rings make it to the honeymoon with their hymen intact.

15 07 2008
maya

I, personally, was given a tutorial by my best friend by simulation on a straw at IHOP one night. LMAO. Ah, high school.

15 07 2008
Knatural

Head is Christian…it’s how these young folks with promise rings make it to the honeymoon with their hymen intact.

AHHHHHHHHHHAHADBIHDBA DALAJHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAPPJAHHAH

FOR REAL!

15 07 2008
ayo

banana

15 07 2008
Amadeo

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”

Translation:

69

15 07 2008
Knatural

Pineapples (juicy fruits in general) and veggies. Guys, please heed. The corner carry-out steak-and-cheese won’t go down easy. Oh!

15 07 2008
maya

69 = wack and childish.

15 07 2008
Muse

Shabooty: muse what was your point? 70+hours of work a week + heavy traveling makes your dugout, nappy and you have swamp-ass?
heh just kidding…………….

Haha… : (

My points was that I don’t really have time to screw around and get caught up.

I don’t have swamp ass. Stop being mean Shabooty or I’ll track you down and send a tranny to your house to molest you.

15 07 2008
Amadeo

69 = All in together now.

15 07 2008
shabooty

dont some chicks these days give mad head and anal…and say they’re still a virgin.
=P

15 07 2008
mrsepps

Muse-I don’t have swamp ass. Stop being mean Shabooty or I’ll track you down and send a tranny to your house to molest you.

hahaha you can send Genevieve!!

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

On more than one occasion I’ve had guys that I was casually seeing try to go down on me. I will give you two fake protests…after that…hey

Funny thing is, they didn’t seem upset afterwards when the favor wasn’t returned. man whores

15 07 2008
ayo

Yes Shabooty that is the case.
They also advise the MEN in the NBA and NFL to have anal sex with the females to avoid Sportscenter coverage of side babies.

15 07 2008
shabooty

i am sure there are a few “headless” yonnie voodoo dolls as well , for good measure.

$

15 07 2008
Esquire

ok I was never really down with 69. Cause if you are doing what you should, my neck should be thrown back and my mouth open. I cant give head while getting it. Its not natural to me. How do people REALLY do that?
I am also not a fan of sitting on ones face. That means you are too damn deep in it and I feel like Im suffocating your dumb ass. Ahhh…college…

15 07 2008
mrsepps

ayo-Yes Shabooty that is the case.
They also advise the MEN in the NBA and NFL to have anal sex with the females to avoid Sportscenter coverage of side babies.

BWHAHAHAHAH water went up my nose some how!

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

LMAO @ Shabooty. How they gonna get mad? I said no. Twice. Obviously they really wanted to – who am I to stand in their way?

15 07 2008
shabooty

but u shoulda reciprocated… unless of course ya paid for the dinner.
otherwise take the mouth pumping like my amex takes a drubbing.

or something.

15 07 2008
benjie

…there’s too many things i want to say

too many comments to read…

and its 5.

i’ll read all this when i get home.

15 07 2008
Jen

Sweet Jesus. I am glad I missed the head conversation. There is no way to look “good” talking about giving head.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

Wow, this was so unclear to me…

15 07 2008
sarah

@Amadeo The lamest dude you know with proper motivation and guidance will be SWIMMING IN IT.

what?

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

The 69 is definitely overrated, though the view can be fantastic (at least for the guy). The more ass I can see during sex – oral or otherwise – the better. Yes, I am nasty. So what.

I feel the ladies on the trimming, though, which I believe I’ve seen come up on the board before.

I’ve been caught untrimmed a time or two, usually when I’m training for the powwow season or I’m working more than 80 hours a week, during which time sex/shaving is a low priority and the black rug sees the shears only about once every couple of weeks. This is more than anyone wanted to know, including me.

If you refuse to give head to an untrimmed goat boy like myself, it’s completely our own fault 😛

15 07 2008
Landon

JEn:

why not? Why is it so ugly? How can you not look good? Do you think guys will applaud you because you don’t give head? NO we are like the Romans and give you thumbs DOWN meaning DEATH…

Its not lady like to brag about sex or how much you do it or who you do it with. But to have a simple grown conversation in a medium were you are anonymous i cannot see what the big deal is.

15 07 2008

I learned by getting instructions from my boyfriend. He schooled me.
I was 21 and tried it for the first time… I was shocked that it turned me on.

15 07 2008
mrsepps

ahahahhahaa@The more ass I can see during sex – oral or otherwise – the better. Yes, I am nasty. So what.
you and my man should have some beers after work hahaha. smh

LMAOOO@If you refuse to give head to an untrimmed goat boy like myself, it’s completely our own fault
hahahahah goat boy… that will forever been in my vocab for men who dont trim the tree.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

Chris, I read that, and now have “Get Low” stuck in my head. I don’t know why.

When sweat drips down my balls….

15 07 2008
Yonnie3k

well…were anonymous before we identified ourselves on facebook

15 07 2008

Yes, I am nasty. So what.

Nothing wrong with being nasty.

15 07 2008

lol mrs. epps.

I will be using goat boy.

15 07 2008
mrsepps

heh Ne.. me too. I was 18 and my boyfriend schooled me. He was actually the 1st guy to lick thw cooter as well hahah. All thats shit was new to me. I had sex before but not given or received head. It was a mind blowing experience ever since then I had no complaints 😀

Jen stop being a prude. lol

15 07 2008
ayo

Ms. Jackson if your nasty: http://youtube.com/watch?v=nLLweEwG8Ss

15 07 2008
mrsepps

Ayo i say that alot but i say Mrs. Epps if your nasty hahah

15 07 2008

OMG the first time my BF went down on me, I felt my eyes rolling in the back of my head then get stuck and my life flashed before my eyes. I thought it was the end of the world cause nothing had ever felt so good.

I was a virgin so he was going down on me, & I was giving him hand jobs. Eventually after $10,000 ” just let me stick the head in’s” we finally did it and I ain’t ever been the same…..just nasty.

15 07 2008

**10,000

15 07 2008
sarah

it actually freaks me out to see a shaven penis. i am coming across them more and more as an adult though.

oral sex was the first sex i ever had (giving, not receiving), and its weird because i thought receiving oral sex was nastier than giving oral sex, personally. and then, my highschool sweetheart went downtown. i didnt know how to act after that. so, now approaching mid twenties, its mind boggling to hear that people dont participate in oral sex.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

$10K Ne? Better than Spitzer’s girl 😀

15 07 2008
Landon

Like Chris ROck said… You dont give head????

THEY STILL MAKE YALLL — ARENT YALL LIKE BETA TAPES?

15 07 2008
Jen

Oh, Mrs. Epps. You dear, sweet girl. The problem is that I am NOT a prude.

That and the fact that my anonymity is extremely tenuous. Don’t nobody need to know that but me and the Privileged.

Honestly, if any of you met me in person and have paid the least amount of attention to the things I’ve said on the board, you’d ID me within 15 minutes of conversation with me.

Anybody who knows me in real life would be able to recognize me on this board. How about one of my gfs already got on me about the ignorant shit I say on SBPH??? WTF!! Loser. J/K, friend. If you are reading this, I ❤ you.

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

” Landon (20:17:42) :
1. This whole HEAD thing. Only fooled around w/ one white girl in my life (no sex) head was ok.
a. Not sure about the other fellas but I can only recall once in my life when a “black girl” refused to give me head. I promptly showed her the door. SO this MYTH about black girls dont suck dick ” as readliy” is a FUCKING MYTH.”

THANK YOU Landon for not falling for the funk, I sincerely doubt that white chicks give head more frequently or with more fevor than sistas.

In terms of the “experiential evidence” so many guys claim to have…I’m gonna put on my scientist hat and throw out that maybe there is some confounding variable concerning 2520 chicks eager to please black men vs. black females (in other words, the chicks tripping over themselves to get some Mandingo dick aren’t necessarily your average white girl…) I’ve done enough video research (*ahem*) to not be particularly impressed with what I’ve seen them doing…*shrug* Yeah, tis a sad sad day when I’m invoking the name of Superhead for any legitimate purposes, but yeah, y’all know black women are some headstrong (ha ha) folks, when we do something, we perfect it! I have to cosign with my other ladies in saying maybe these complaining men just haven’t been special enough to a black woman yet to where she’s wanted to throw all the goods at ya.

15 07 2008
Sister Toldja

Jen- I think the only person who has deliberately tried to look “good” on this site was busted on FB for using pictures of a semi-famous model as her own. This ain’t match.com, baby girl. Let it all hang out! We don’t really know each other…..even though I do have some mutual friends with Landon and I will probably hold some stuff against him if we run in to each other in NYC, lol.

15 07 2008
Landon

Damnit DOC i got to go home, but you are on here makes me wanna STAY…

at the end of the EGO’s is what gets in peopel way… And perception forces people to lie… If everyone we knew includign our selves told the truth about all that we do when the lights go out… well just say we would realize how NASTY WE REALLY ARE!!!! 🙂 i am out going tired…. and thinkign abotu quitting my job and moving to SOuth America or DOCs house so i can be taken care of…

i am out… Ne hit me on FB, MUSE i lost my phone 😦 so know updates lol,
DOC hit me on FB too… i got a question for ya…

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

Dammit Landon, just after you were on my good side, did you name a Fellatio Award after me?! I’m honored and offended (who told?!?! hahahahahaha)

15 07 2008
Jen

The Doc, I shall have to respectfully disagree. I knew white girls who were getting “the job” done at 12 years old. And not just like a handful…a LOT of regular, middle-class white girls. Black girls who did that sort of thing when I was 12 years old had severe problems. As in, two blind parents, living in poverty, illiterate (not “functionally illiterate” but regular illiterate), please-put-her-on-the-top-of-the-prayer-list problems.

Many white women have literally had years of practice on us. It would make sense that they’d do it more readily, on average.

15 07 2008
Jen

P.S. ST – I have mutual friends on Facebook with pretty much all the regular posters. Yes. Like a stalker, I CHECKED.

15 07 2008
KadiBaby

Airports to Oral sex…..wow, y’all amaze me.

15 07 2008
mrsepps

Jen it was all love…

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

Jen, was it the blackgirls who did it that “had problems” or only the ones that were letting it be known…

15 07 2008
Jen

Touche, Doc. TOUCHE. I think you may have IDed the common alternate cause.

15 07 2008
whatevs

when did good ole’ fashioned head become some sacred, ceremonial act?!

fuck outta here!

do it when u feel like it, and when your partner feels like it, he/she will too. period.

15 07 2008
Muse

Getting the whole dick your mouth along with the balls is much easier with the 69 position.

Did I just say that? Disregard. My boss wants to feng shui my office.

15 07 2008
Muse

Doc some of our sorors in DC are probably act a damn fool. Im actually considering flying out there for Thursday for the hell of it.

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

Yeah Jen, it’s weird, because with all the bible thumping black folks run around doing and saying “oh WE don’t do that”, you’d think we were all 40 year old virgins…but sadly the pregnancy and even worse STI rates amongst our young people clearly suggest otherwise (and I think that STI rates are so high precisely BECAUSE we don’t discuss sexuality in our homes…among other things).

So *perhaps* (dang, now I’m kinda switching my view again, LOL) maybe you do get some black women, ESPECIALLY in the educated middle class, who try to overcompensate in distancing themselves from the “oversexualized hoochie hoodrats” and end up ascribing too much power to specific sexual acts and how men view them if they do it.

But even if y’all insist Becky does it more, I’m sticking by my belief that we’re far better…we’ve been practicing on bigger samples BWAHAHAHAHA 😉

15 07 2008
Muse

Educate them Dr. Soror.

15 07 2008
datswhatsup

LOL…..

I was thinking I didn’t have a story to contribute, but I do.

I was flying back to Washington, DC from a looonnng boring ass week of work in Arizona. On the way out to Arizona my assistant booked me the aisle seat in the very last row next to the fuckin bathroom (thanks). Since I had no intention of enduring the same sort of tomfuckery (e.g. smelly ass mf’s blowing up the bathroom, the constant stream of loud annoying children swinging from my armrest as they wait for the lavatory, etc.) on the way back I upgraded to first class for my return trip.

Well, the glorious day arrived and I was ready to be treated like the queen I am. I checked in at the front desk (after the e-check-in couldn’t locate my reservation) and was reminded to “use the 1st class line at the security check point.” I thought – hell yeah and happily walked to the security check point. I queued up in the first class line and endured 10 minutes of staring from various YTs who were probably wondering what my black azz was doing in the first class line. I’m sure they were just waiting for me to get my dumb ass sent to the back of their line.

Anywho – as I get closer to the front of the line, I notice the attendant (a fat ass, old white heifa) smiling at each 1st class rider and quickly glancing at the ticket to confirm their seat. I hand her my ticket and without even looking at it she says: “And what are you doing in this line?” At first I thought that shit was some secret ass question they asked 1st class travelers – I racked my brain trying to figure out what the fuckin secret code was. I finally said – because I’m flying home? I realized I was dealing with a racist fucktard when she obnoxiously said “You do know that this is the first class line don’t you?”

I thought you fuckin bitch, but responded in the most innocent voice I could fake “Yes, I know. Is seat 1A in the back on this plane?” She shut the fuck up and handed me back by boarding card.

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

Muse, on Saturday night I saw tits flying out of tops, bare feet on club floors (hey, y’all gotta give me credit, even through all the dancing and drunkness, I kept the 4inch heels on the whole time! 😉 ) and questionable happenings in the co-ed bathroom. Get YOUR sorors please!

15 07 2008
nelo

Things I have to say

1) I hate airports
2) White chicks can be a special kind of slutty
3) I give head and expect to receive.
4) White men, in my experience, are quicker to lick the snatch than black men.

15 07 2008
TomatoHead

Mrs. Epps, you got emotionally attached to every single guy you had sex with?

15 07 2008
Jen

Doc…clearly, we’re better.

I think men who insist otherwise mistake ready availability for quality.

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

datswhatsup – PREACH!! back in the good ol dyas (up until ~3 yrs ago), I was getting frequent flier upgrades left and right. Once, i did have a flight attendant not look at my ticket and tell me to get out of the first class line. “I’m sorry, can you tell me where the colored waiting room is then?” I got a pass for a free 1st class flight – probably so I wouldn’t report her ass. i was underage then, otherwise I would have gotten a free drink. dammit.

15 07 2008
shabooty

That’s right my meat and potatoes come from my lyrical label
I throw my rhymes for No Limit like Jeff George throw for the Raiders
Don’t cut the head off a hater, don’t cash the check that they paid ya
Jump in a Deville or Mercedes, Lexus or Navigator
Five hundred niggas talkin bout what they goin do, how they goin ruin my day
Not none of them niggas be talkin like that when they come round my way
Hold your mouth as tight as you can, whatever you don’t loosen your lip
I make your tightest hardest rapper brush his teeth with my dick
I’m strict, I’m rich, I’m young, I’m black, I’m set
I got it, I hold it, I run it, I do it to death
I’m hot, I’m dirty, I’m oiled, I’m strapped, I’m done
Don’t blame it on me if the police find a pistol and blunt

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

pssst, don’t tell shabooty. this is his Christmas gift.

15 07 2008
shabooty

lol im waiting for their taint powder line of products.

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“I think men who insist otherwise mistake ready availability for quality.”

Sometimes I wonder if women know ANYTHING about men…

While no man wants bad head, just about any man would take frequent, consistent, and average head over mindblowing head-capades that are few and far between. Same thing applies to good old fashioned vaginal as well.

This is the male-equivalent of what a woman experiences from a guy who only makes an effort at romance when he’s in trouble.

15 07 2008
Muse

Men think about sex 23.5 hrs a day. What do you expect LOL.

Wait how did the topic of airports turn into sex? You dirty people!

15 07 2008
Merri Lee

^^^because Somali Queen isn’t here to keep us in line. LOL

15 07 2008
The Doc Is In

I think the point Jen was making about “readily available” refers to being ready to drop and suck it after 2 hours of meeting you, not once in a relationship (or benefits arrangement 😀 )

15 07 2008
Jen

“While no man wants bad head, just about any man would take frequent, consistent, and average head over mindblowing head-capades that are few and far between. Same thing applies to good old fashioned vaginal as well.”

I think that much is obvious, although it seems like a death-by-drowning-or-fire type of thing, to me.

I would say that your expectations of head after the commencement of a relationship are reasonable. I know what men want. I’m a perfectionist at most things–including sex and, according to my ex, “a real trooper.”

However, there are just too many drunken, sloppy, white girls out there who give drunken, sloppy head at a moment’s notice. (SEE: Paris Hilton sex tape for the low-quality, drunken-white-girl head I am referring to). And I think many men who are not in relationships mistake that readily available bullshit for quality head.

15 07 2008
shabooty

i dont even wanna meet the bitch …just glory hole her.

lol sike.

15 07 2008
Muse

Shabooty you are so nasty man EWWW. I knew there was some truth to quiet folks being freaky as hell.

15 07 2008

white girls say this during oral:

“ohhhh…i love (slurp) sucking… YOUR BIIIIG..(slurp)…black cock…(slurp suck…suck deep throat) It’s almost…( slurp) to big for my ( slurrrppp lick lick) little white mouth…(slurp). you have the biggest ( suck slurp slurp) dick ( slurp) I have EVER seen ( devour slurp…swallow…smile)”

That, my friends is what the hype is all about.

15 07 2008

oh I forgot they also say:

“Slap me with your hardcore black cock!”

15 07 2008
Knatural

I hate you Né.

15 07 2008

Blame my man for the “video research” he does, that I am subject to.

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

More suckey, less excusey.

15 07 2008

lol

15 07 2008
Muse

I hope all these men demanding decent blow jobs, give excellent cunnilingus

15 07 2008
shabooty

if i was a koala and a koala bitch wanted some eucalyptus, id be like koala kunt, youcanlickTHIS

15 07 2008
Jen

Muse: I assure you, they do not.

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

Less excusey, more suckey.

15 07 2008
shabooty

dont date me, cause dating people in comedy = they tend to be crazed ego maniacs & stressed out people.

$

15 07 2008
Landon

I have to disagree with CHRIS – at this point in my life i would rather go for the mind blowing over the avg but always there. ]

– i dont want to meet a girl and get head in 2 hours (unless i was on vacation, different story)…

If it is too easy i dont find it as enjoyable. To be it is all about the HUNT… (sorry to use that word) but its the chase i like… Sometimes i will holla at girl just to see if i can hit it and never do it…. guys like to stroke their EGO, i am not better.

15 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

Landon, dude, you’re undermining the cause. Think about it from a Machiavellian standpoint…

15 07 2008
Amadeo

Once a realtionship is established and going it’s not a big deal. My thing is if you’re going to do it all Go For The Gusto. Play hard or go home.

Insert relevant sports analogies here:

15 07 2008
Landon

Hmmmmmm….

I cant just lobby that if more black women gave more head to black men on a daily basis of good quality it would lower Black on Black CRIME?

WHy you think White men dont kill each other as much/ ?

15 07 2008
Jen

Living by the “less excusey, more suckey” mantra is a luxury not afforded to people sitting in an economics class.

15 07 2008
Bajan Girl

what about guys that do not return the favour? I don’t know if this holds true for all islanders, but the ones that I know have straight out said that they have no problems receiving but REFUSE to return the favour… why… (wait for it)… because it is NASTY… (insert rolling eyes while muttering wtf here)

16 07 2008
Landon

Bajan:

Its an open wound with mucus glands…. at least while you are giving head to a guy the worst part (the cum) can be avoided if you time it right…

When i guy is doing it right you have no choice but swallow what you flow…

Personally i dont necessary like giving head but i like making a girl cum. Therefore i do what ever it takes to make it happen. but i believe that both parties should do what ever it takes to please one another!

16 07 2008
Amadeo

SHENANIGANS!

In my experience via the orals women always cum before me. It’s my control during sex that makes me cum. The fact that I can rev it up (along with the visuals) and increase speed I can drag it out or get it over with…unless I’m really drunk or I’ve had a few curtain calls. If I tried the same thing while getting head a woman would think I was trying to choke/hurt her.

Once again: Clit Commander.

16 07 2008
Jen

Landon, you just really ruined yourself for me.

16 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

I last a whopping 12 seconds. I’m so quick, I cum before my ancestors.

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

Yea Landon that is bullshit.

You think women like sucking on a stank-ass dick thats been holed up in sweaty underwear all day? At least all my stuff is inside where air, sweat, and piss can get on it. I understand that a stank pussy can be gross, but it does go both ways, TRUST.

16 07 2008
creativecat

Baggage claim does suck! Especially when your bag is not there! Last time I checked my bag, I was going from North Carolina to New York and some dumbfuck in NC figured sending my bag to fucking TORONTO would be a good idea! They sent my baggage out of the country when I was taking a domestic flight!

They couldn’t even find it for awhile. A week after I was back in NC, I got a call from the airport in NY saying “I don’t know why your bag is still here.” Shit, I don’t know either, but you motherfuckers are going to have to figure out how to get it back to me in NC! Luckily, I was staying with my sister in NY so I only had to buy underwear/basic toiletries since all of my clothes were in my lost bag.

So yeah, don’t check your bag unless you don’t want your shit.

16 07 2008
Jen

Awww, Tomato, you ain’t no better.

16 07 2008
Landon

Jen:

How did i ruin it? I said i would do what ever it takes to please a woman i am interested in… Just because something looks like something to me doesn’t mean it should change how you view me…

Have you ever seen a sunken wound? LIke a gun shot… it looks very similar.

i mean obviously it does not deter me from eating a girl out…

i mean shit i don’t like how chopped BBQ looks but i ll eat that shit by the plate full!

16 07 2008
Knatural

Open wound with mucus glands…huh?

16 07 2008
Bajan Girl

I just find it ironic that they will (and have in my presence) talk serious sh*t about females who say that they don’t like giving but don’t think those same females should have a problem with the fact that they are the same way.

I agree with Landon’s thought process: “Personally i dont necessary like giving head but i like making a girl cum. Therefore i do what ever it takes to make it happen. but i believe that both parties should do what ever it takes to please one another!”

Both parties should be interested in making each other feel good.

And really, there are some women out there who would rather give than receive.

16 07 2008
Amadeo

In landon’s defense…you guys do realize that when a guy has a sex change he basically has a wound that has to be dealt with a certain way to ensure it will heal so that it can be used…right?

16 07 2008
creativecat

So we went from the airport sucks to giving head. I guess since going down on a guy involves sucking, it’s appropriate. ; )

16 07 2008
Landon

Tomato:

easy solution to the problem GO TO THE BATHROOM GRAB SOME SOAP AND WATER DICK CLEAN…

NOT so Easy for WOMAN… Yes i know its like an oven and self cleaning… But like a real oven Once REALLY DIRTY its a BITCH TO REALLY Clean… where as a Dick is like windows – more exposed to the elements and gets dirty easier but a little water and windex and it looks brand smacking new’

16 07 2008
Jen

You make it sound like you don’t like to give head. I wouldn’t even want head from a man who doesn’t like/want to give it.

Listen to Soon I’ll Be Loving You Again by Marvin Gaye until you think you like to give it and maybe then you will be restored in my eyes.

16 07 2008
Knatural

Windex on the penis? Like the father from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”?

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

Whoa now. I give some head. My now ex-boyfriend looooved the head I gave him, sometimes forgoing the sex he very much enjoyed just to get some.

I don’t mind sucking dicks in the slightest. I like watching the guy basically become putty in my hands/mouth 🙂

I just hate guys who refer to female genitalia as a wound. With mucus.

16 07 2008
Jen

LANDON – STOP EFFING WITH DIRTY BITCHES!!

16 07 2008
Anna

This website is full of racists assholes which is crazy since Black people are always crying out discrimination blah blah whine whine whine. Not all White women are “easy” nor do we want to suck Black cock.The real sluts are the baby mommas having kids out of wedlock who don’t know who their “baby daddy” is. Who is the fastest growing AIDs/HIV rate? BLACK WOMEN. Who also has the most STDs? BLACK PEOPLE. If anything most of you should try to buy some class and utilize condoms instead of worrying about what White Women are doing.

Before anyone questions me, I’m a proud White woman who can tangle with the best of them.

16 07 2008
Amadeo

QUESTIONING YOU.

16 07 2008
Landon

JEN:

I like pleasing my woman… the only thing i really wont do is suck on TOES…

I like to please a girl… i like to make her toes curl, i like to make her eyes roll, i like to make her shake.. and like Malcolm I’ll do it by any means necessary (except for licking sucking feet/ toes)…. I enjoy pleasing…

Its like football I LOVE FOOTBALL, i like to run, juke and hit people buthated getting hit…. but i do what ever it took to win the game… even if that meant sacraficing my body by takign a big hit if that meant the team wins…

16 07 2008
Knatural

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA @ Anna.
Dumbass.

16 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

@Anna

That’s exactly what the last white girl said right before she g-g-g-g-gobbled mine right down her land stealing, culture raping, race enslaving, genocidal throat. I love angry sex.

http://stuffblackpeoplehate.com/why-you-shouldnt-read-this-blog/

If that doesn’t help, I invite you to pull your bottom lip over your head and swallow.

16 07 2008
Landon

JEn:

at some point in yoru life that shit does not smell like FUCKING roses…

even on your BEST DAY JEN – the smell of pussy is not a great smell… The best smelling pussy is one with no smell. BUt if you been walkign around all day working all day just like guys you get a lil musky too… unless you are direct relative of JESUS and your ish smells like ROSES!

16 07 2008
Anna

Who are you calling a dumb ass knatural. The truth hurts. If Blacks took responsiblity for their actions instead of always blaming the “man” then maybe just maybe other racial groups will respect your kind. I personally don’t have a problem with responsible Black people who are positive and don’t play the race card all the time.

Society gets it. Your ancestors had it rough but so did every other group. My people are Irish, we didn’t have it easy either.

But that’s another topic for another day. I had to speak up on all the White women bashing. Sounds like most of the Black women in here are jealous and don’t want to admit it.

Oh and by the way if White women are so overrated, then why do your Black men come after us over you? Even the owner of the Blog admits to not dating Black women. Go figure.

16 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Who are you calling a dumb ass knatural…”

Hey Landon, did you order the Stupid? I know you’re an exec on my airline dude, but that stuff’s expensive. Keep it off the company card will ya?

16 07 2008
Anna

Stuff Black people hate: I didn’t kill any of your fucking people so don’t blame me for the mistakes of others. I’ve supported minorities and treat them like every other White person. We are all equal and every racial group has their rotten apples. My issue is with the Black women constantly attacking White women. The stereotype of the white slut is outdated.

16 07 2008
Jen

That isn’t the same as enjoying the act itself. Sex isn’t a football game! My ex would get like that sometimes and it was almost stressful. I WOULD FEEL PRESSURE TO COME.

Don’t you REALIZE that sort of mentality is what has lead to the Fake Orgasm Epidemic?

16 07 2008
Knatural

*sigh*

16 07 2008
Jen

Okay, if you want to talk about pure must…let us be for real! How could a woman’s must ever compare to a man’s? Your sweat glands are 3023021392x more active than ours. Plus, you people wear those thick pants and those boxers or those tighty whities, causing further problems.

16 07 2008
Bajan Girl

rotflmcao @ “The best smelling pussy is one with no smell. BUt if you been walkign around all day working all day just like guys you get a lil musky too… unless you are direct relative of JESUS and your ish smells like ROSES!”

and “me thinks though protesteth (spelling?) too much” comes to mind when reading the anna diatribe

16 07 2008
Jen

*trying to ignore Anna*

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

Landon: Every guy I’ve been serious with loved the smell of my vaginal area. They would all lay down there and just smell it. Maybe I just have a good-smelling pussy, but I think it comes down to phermones. “pussy smell” is mostly phermones.

Pussy stank is a woman who doesn’t wash or has an infection. You should be able to tell the difference.

And Anna, please don’t bother with your nonsense. You’ll get no sympathy from anyone on this site and you’ll get nothing but comments back saying you are an idiot. No one will agree with you, so it’d be best if you just took your flat ass out of here before you get hurt by ST or Muse. They will cut a bitch.

16 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“I didn’t kill any of your fucking people so don’t blame me for the mistakes of others.”

Their mistakes that you benefit from everyday. Give me my land back, then we’ll be even.

“I’ve supported minorities and treat them like every other White person.”

Well then, fuck you too sweetie 🙂

“My issue is with the Black women constantly attacking White women. The stereotype of the white slut is outdated.”

If you cannot take a joke or sweeping and idiotic generalizations about your race/gender, leave. This is not the site for you. Everyone gets it here, even black people (check out the ‘black women’, ‘persians’, ‘stupid names’, ‘asian chicks’, and other posts if you don’t believe me). If you still can’t handle it, then feel free to ride your self-righteous, I-think-Irish-people-had-it-as-bad-as-black-people war pony the fuck outta my site.

16 07 2008
Anna

From a feminist perspective sex with a man is a very degrading act for women. Often times women do not derive pleasure from the act of sex. Sex is like rape where the man is taking his pleasure from a woman while she is forced in endure.

16 07 2008
Jen

Anna, there is a special post on the blog for you: one on feminists. I think you’ll enjoy it.

16 07 2008
Knatural

Oh.God.
From a feminist perspective? Get the fuck outta here. Don’t try to participate in the conversation after insulting everyone…
Sex is like rape…? Sex is about pleasure and reproduction, rape is about power and abuse.
Dumbass.

16 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“From a feminist perspective sex with a man is a very degrading act for women. Often times women do not derive pleasure from the act of sex. Sex is like rape where the man is taking his pleasure from a woman while she is forced in endure.”

Sucks to be you. Try growing a clitoris.

[Banned]

NEXT!

16 07 2008
Bajan Girl

“From a feminist perspective sex with a man is a very degrading act for women.”

Hence lesbianism… problem solved…

“Often times women do not derive pleasure from the act of sex.”

Then he is not doing it right. Get a new man… problem solved…

“Sex is like rape where the man is taking his pleasure from a woman while she is forced in endure.”

That’s just retarded… go play in rush hour traffic… problem solved…

16 07 2008
Knatural

Banned?

Yay! I love a blatant abuse of power!

16 07 2008
Jen

*applause*

Anna was like a walking stereotype. I think she may have been poorly-constructed flame.

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

Daaaaayum. Anna got pwned.

16 07 2008
Tea

“[Banned]

NEXT!”

OUCH! LMAO!

You really should have known better

16 07 2008
Landon

Chris:

She was Banned? I looked at the records i did not authorize purchase for stupid…

Did you really ban her? Damn!

16 07 2008
Startariot

Aww damn don’t ban her! I was hoping she’d continue commenting and getting owned lol.

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

watch her show up again on a public computer under the name Becky

16 07 2008
Landon

Tomato:

Its not the smell men are addicted to… Its the hormones down there that your body is giving off… Not to be disgusting but it is similar to why a Male Dog Sniffs a Female Dogs butt… WE say ewwwwww disgusting but in reality its the same thing… I am not saying you smell BAD… I am just saying the smell will never be a Candle made by glades…

When someone comes in your room and say damn its smells like PUSSY in here… Thats not a compliment!

16 07 2008
Knatural

Becky Gundersen.

Banning only angers the beast, i.e.: Creole Beauty *gasp*

16 07 2008
Landon

She has a right to her own opinion.

She is wrong in many ways but right on one or two fronts. But like every race if you divided the race by socio-economic levels you would find similar results for both races depending on income and educational level.

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

Hey, i know. I like the way certain guys smell when they are sweaty and haven’t used deoderant (maybe I’m a freak, I dunno) when my female friends are looking at me like, that dude is RANK.

16 07 2008
Landon

its the hormones!

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

And yes, I know that it isn’t a good thing if your room smells like pussy.

Although it could be interpreted that way because someone clearly just got some in that room. 😉

16 07 2008
creativecat

Sex is like rape where the man is taking his pleasure from a woman while she is forced in endure.

Wow. That is HIGHLY offensive towards actual rape victims.

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

That’s what I said before: phermones=hormones.

16 07 2008
Jen

ME TOO, TOMATO! That is what Landon is talking about, I think. Certain men have made me want to pass out from joy just by laying around in the stank. I am so sensitive to what you are referring to.

16 07 2008
nelo

Anna,

Do what your people are good at. Go enslave a country and suck the cock of it’s disadvatanged leader. ok?

16 07 2008
Landon

sorry didnt see

16 07 2008
Knatural

Sen. Obama is on Larry King (CNN) right now, if anyone cares…

16 07 2008
Amadeo

“Sex is natural, sex is fun, sex is best when it’s one on one”

Could resist.

As an aside. I prefer sex with a black woman. Assbones hurt when you get into it.

16 07 2008
Nelo

Why did you ban Anna? I wanted to make fun of her.

Christ, girls like Anna make me wish there were antebellum feminine rules for stupid woman.

Stupid white women, since other minorities were not granted these rights until after the Woman’s movement, please listen to the statement below.

If you don’t have anything intelligent to say, do what your female ancestors did. Cook, clean, and use your sexist husband’s cock to shut the fuck up.

16 07 2008
Bajan Girl

cosign Tomato and Jen…
isn’t the sense of smell one of the strongest?
like how two different guys can wear the same cologne and one smell like heaven and the other one smells like ass…

16 07 2008
Landon

chemistry

16 07 2008
nelowafer

Why did you ban Anna? I wanted to make fun of her.

Christ, woman like Anna make me wish there are antebellum feminine rules specifically given to stupid woman.

Stupid woman, please. If you do not have anything intelligent to say, please do what your female ancestors did. Cook, clean, work, and use your sexist SO’s cock to shut the hell up.

16 07 2008
Landon

sexual chemistry is a complex formula, when the chemistry is correct YOU CAN NOT BEAT IT…

sight, sound, smell touch, mind…

16 07 2008
Knatural

yeah, body chemistry/pH levels affect scent and taste.
Assbones? Really? Wow, didn’t realize.

16 07 2008
nelowafer

All the “woman” were meant to be women.

16 07 2008
Muse

Whoa okay then. I missed a lot. Anna is a typical white cunt with a superiority complex. Next.

As for smell…OMG I love when guys smell good. I’m particularly fond of Old Spice deodorant. When a man has a certain smell my hoo-woo gets a little um happy.

This sound crazy but the sexiest thing to me is when a guy just finished working out. I love the man smell (not funky musty mess but it’s a certain scent that drives me coo coo….ooh wee….). I can’t really describe it…I just know the smell.

16 07 2008
Jen

But it isn’t every man, is it, Muse?

I have been trying to figure out what men who have done that to me had in common lately.

16 07 2008
Muse

Women like Anna hate life. Who the fuck compares consensual sex between two adults to rape? Her comments were very insulting.

16 07 2008
Landon

Rape is one of the worst acts a man or woman can commit.

She must have been raped at a young age because she is obviously tainted on sex. And just because she is a lesbian ( i think she was) does not give her the right to bash the action that got her on this earth..

However any man who is guilty of RAPE should be KICKED by the victim a 100 times to the NUTS before he does his sentence!

16 07 2008
Jen

I don’t think she can have had experienced rape if she compares bad sex to it.

16 07 2008
Muse

Landon I think women who lie about being raped should spend the rest of their lives on prison. Although I’ve never been raped or molesteed (knock on wood thank God praise Allah) I know the impact it can have for someone’s emotional and mental state. Many of my girlfriends, (and one guy) have been victims of sexual assault. Honestly I would probably rather be murdered than raped. Rape is the ultimate violation a person can experience.

16 07 2008
nelowafer

@muse,

Yes. It is. And I hate how bloody hard it is to nabbed rapists in this country.

16 07 2008
shabooty

yeah so watch out next time ya say you got a [feministic] bush… ya might get axed.
🙂

16 07 2008
Muse

OMG!

16 07 2008
Bajan Girl

@Muse…
where did you find that?!?!?

oh my Jesus.. wtf?!?!? oh snap… dumbfounded…

16 07 2008
letinstar

the last time i flew, i got shaken down by tsa…i forgot about a bottle of perfume in my carry on and the bitch looked me straight in my face and said, i smell (the name of perfume) which means they had already busted into my luggage to know what the perfume was…also, it just plain gross that they have these plastic gloves they use to look through your shit…i believe they use the same pair of glove on other people’s shit…so now i’m disgusted because they just dug through someone’s dirty underwear and now they’re digging through my stuff…

16 07 2008
Amadeo

Smell is only good from sex you’re having. If you smell it from someone else’s sex or get a whiff of a person’s “personal must” it’s stinks.

16 07 2008
ayo

OMG… WTF… ANNA!
Damn… hate I missed her.
***crying and laughing at the same time***

16 07 2008
ayo

Chris… why didnt you respond to the you dont date black women comment???? I wish you would ate her ass up on that.

16 07 2008
letinstar

dang it…i’m talking bad airline experiences and y’all are talking blowjobs and banning folks….i’m so behind…

16 07 2008
AC

Lol, I travel alot for my job and this post really hits home!

I’m glad to hear that some major airports now offer security lines strictly just for more experienced travelers to speed through vs. slower security lines for less experienced travelers and families with small kids. I wish Reagan National would hurry up and jump on this bandwagon though…

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

AC: The only problem with the different lines is that because they are brand new, it causes confusing among the certifiably stupid.

I’ve had two experiences with the separate lines. One in which my line was right next to the one for children and the kids were really bad (white trash), dirty and the mothers were basically treating their children like shit. That was in Florida.

The second one was I think at LAX (not sure if they’ve implemented this or if it was Oakland International) and people are CONFUSED at the line separation and inevitably some idiot goes into the shortest line they can find, i.e. not reading the sign meaning they need to get in the Dumbass Traveler line and stay out of my Expert Traveler line. I got some old people who took nine and a half years to get their shoes off and I finally just bustled ahead of them in line and through the metal detector. A bunch of people followed my lead..I kinda felt sorry for them until I looked bad as I was heading for my gate and they were just getting through the metal detector after about 6 people had gone ahead of their slow asses.

And Mrs Epps, this is from way back up, but it’s been driving me nuts: meTal detector, not meDal detector. They aren’t trying to figure out if you’ve just gotten back from the Olympic games 🙂

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

causes confusion* I’m making fun of stupid people and using the wrong tense…*sigh*

16 07 2008
Jo

Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t human pheromones odorless? Maybe I dreamt this up, but I’m pretty sure I recall a Psychobiology professor saying that humans have near-vestigial organs in our noses that pick up pheromones–but that said pheromones are odorless. They’re released from the same places as most human odor (armpits, pelvis, and just behind the ears). Consequently, those place grow hair in order to concentrate those pheromones and odors.

Theoretically, if you wax your pubes to oblivion, your pheromones won’t be as strong.

The more you know…

16 07 2008
Knatural

NERD!

16 07 2008
Jo

😛 I can’t help it, Knat.

16 07 2008
Amadeo

Well knowing is half the battle

(G.I. Joe)

16 07 2008
Jen

Please tell me I am not the only one who loves Alexyss Tylor!!

She is a little obsessed with anal sex and child molestation, but I love her. She has made my day on more than one occasion.

16 07 2008
Ne'

From a feminist perspective sex with a man is a very degrading act for women. Often times women do not derive pleasure from the act of sex. Sex is like rape where the man is taking his pleasure from a woman while she is forced in endure.

ahahahhahahahahhahahahahhhahahahahahhahahahahah!

16 07 2008
TomatoHead

And knowledge is POWER!

16 07 2008
Amadeo

If A.T. was on TV I would watch every show.

16 07 2008
Jen

http://www.coxwashington.com/hp/content/reporters/stories/2007/02/11/BC_FIDELITY_GENES_ADV11_COX.html

“Male odors that a woman subconsciously recognizes may have a more potent effect on her romantic feelings than good looks, poems or Valentine roses galore.

Scientists say genetic traits that guide the development of the human immune system produce a range of distinctive odors. Without knowing it, women may be attracted to scents they instinctively associate with robust disease resistance.”

HAH…so that’s what is smelling so good. Disease resistance.

16 07 2008
Ne'

ahhhh!

Tomato head I know what you are talking about, my man plays in a basketball league every sunday and since he showers before he plays, when he gets sweaty he isn’t musty.

When he gets home I always jump his bones because his smell just turns me on.

16 07 2008
Bajan Girl

“Please tell me I am not the only one who loves Alexyss Tylor!!”

your not the only one. I just spent the last hour watching clips. will have to put her on my guilty pleasures list.

16 07 2008
Landon

Jen:

That makes sense. In reality sex is for reproduction. The woman can sense which mate has a stronger immune system therefore making him a stronger candidate to be a successful mate.

16 07 2008
Ne'

What would we do in a world where there was no sex? what would be our means of reproduction?

16 07 2008
Jen

The first thing I thought of when I read Ne’s question:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oankali#Reproduction

Alexyss Tylor on head:

This is somebody’s mama, people.

16 07 2008
Bajan Girl

maybe asexual budding (is that even real or am I making that up in my tired stupor? I don’t know) but that wouldn’t be very much fun now would it…

oh correcting earlier typo… “you’re”… hooked on phonics worked for me

16 07 2008
chaoticdiva

Why the fuck are you people talking about asexual sex like people don’t do it. Its called masturbation.

16 07 2008
chaoticdiva

…sorry for being an asshole. I figured I’d live up to some standards that were placed on me at 5am.

Did I mention people tend to piss me off here in Michigan?

*Whoo-Saaah*

So how’s everybody?

16 07 2008
imaG

1. I am with Chris — I refuse 2 check in a bag (EVEN MORE SO NOW BECAUSE THEY CHARGE MONEY NOW)…
a. for a 4 day trip to St. Croix all I needed was a backpack. 5 pairs of underwear check, 5 pairs of socks, 5 wife beaters, 5 assortment tee shirts, 2 bathing suits, 2 pair of shorts, 1 pair of slacks, 1 dress shirt, 1 pair of dress shoes, 1 pair of sandals(in outside pocket of bag), notebook, camera, i pod, book to read on plane, asthma medication, passport. Plus I was wearing Jeans tee-shirt and a pair of kicks. One Book bag that can fit in the overhead compartment or under my seat. — PRICELESS..

You must have a hiking backpack..I hate airports too..

http://www.anythingblack.net

16 07 2008
dc_diva

fave quotes from alexyss k tylor:
“laffy taffy hoe!!!! laffy taffy!”
“you got the good dick, and then you got the evil dick twin”
“dick’ll make you slap somebody”

LOL
please go watch her on youtube!!!!!

16 07 2008
ViK

A few years ago my dad flew from Montego Bay, Jamaica to Kingston. His luggage ended up at JFK. Comedy.

16 07 2008
ViK

@ chaoticdiva – be careful 😀

16 07 2008
MiracleMax

I travel quite frequently, but non of this is a problem when I fly. My company actually paid for a “Time-share” like ticket that I use for private plane service. When ever I, or my team needs to travel, I call the company, tell them when im leaving, where too, and what I might like for dinner/breakfast/snack/refreshment, and its pretty enjoyable. But there is that one rare instance that I have to fly commercial, and its insane. I fly out of LAX most of the time, but i usually arrive on the tarmat, but when I fly commercial and have to use a terminal, its actually not as crowded as people would think, not many fat people in the middle of isle, but then again I do all my traveling in the evening, around 9pm-12am, most people are too tired to be walking around, and thats what I like. The baggage issue does get me pissed off at times, but when you travel commercial DONT have expensive luggage. I will use very very cheap luggage that i will put duct tape all over to make it look like a mess and that its in terrible shape so handlers wont think there is anything of value in them. But when I fly private, its all about the Goyard. Whats funny though, is that the Asian airports are the best airports ive ever been too, wayyyy better then American airports, they are very fast, and the people who work there are very nice. Its probably because im the tallest person there and their afraid, but then again, they are terribly materialistic and probably see a nice suit and nice shoes and watch, and think im someone to be respected, which is nice, but complete bullshit. My boss is such a regular joe, he wears Nike running shoes, a diving watch and dodgers hat, and I bet if they say him they would probably treat him like shit, even though he could probably buy the entire airport. You should do a blog about materialistic crap and how people just people by what they wear and/or own.

16 07 2008
riz

Miracle Max, *I* think you should do a blog about people working faster when they’re afraid.

16 07 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Alexyss Tylor = Goddess

If I ever meet her, I GOT to get a picture.

I still think she’s one of T.I.’s people, they are from Bankhead after all…

16 07 2008
ph2072

Brilliant!

I HATE having to take off my shoes. As an act of defiance, I wear flip flops so that my feet can be seen, but the fuckers still insist upon having me take them off. It’s so fucking retarded. September 11th has not made us any safer; it has made us even more stupid and ignorant. And all at the expense of energy and time at the stupid airports.

And yes….. why the HELL does it take people forever to put their shit in the overhead bins? That annoys me to no end. As long as it takes them to do that, it’s as if they’ve been asked to build a NASA space shuttle. It does NOT take rocket science to put your shit in the overhead bin. Hurry up dammit!

Sincerely,
Someone who just got finished traveling last week.

16 07 2008
Amadeo

Disease Resistance…by Faberge`

16 07 2008
Sister Toldja

For all my attempts to be a people-loving liberal, I feel like White women are BEGGING for me to hate them (RE: Anna).

Not all White women are whores, but a lot of them are. And some Black men love whores all most as much as they hate themselves. So if you want to take some pride in being fetishized by some damaged ass Black men, go right ahead. But that would make as much sense as me getting excited about a White man having slave and master fantasies about me. Stupid sick bitch, any Black man who would want you is of no use to us, so have him and make some more tragic mullatos.

Also, while there is a lot of anti-female interaction that occurs in our sexual exploits, you FAILed to shed any light on it or make a point of merit when you liken consensual sex to rape. Sounds like you read the description for Women’s Studies 101 and never showed up to the class.

My expectations of White women, when it comes to understanding of racial issues and even gender at times, are verrrrrrrrry low. But what frustrates me most is that, in my observations, it is the dumb bitches like Anna and not the smart, enlightened White women, who you “brothers” end up with.

I hate everyone.

16 07 2008
Chicken Jon

HEY FAG –
“5.) Any woman (or man) caught with more than 3 pairs of shoes will only be allowed to do so if they can fit the additional pairs of shoes in their own body cavities”

YOU BROUGHT FOUR PAIRS OF SHOES TO SPAIN (TWO STOMPING BOOTS, TWO ADD’L GAY SHOES). THINK I DIDN’T MAKE NOTE OF THIS??????????

16 07 2008
Jen

I would like to cosign everything ST has said.

As an aside, I am sure that there are Black male/white female relationships that work and are healthy–there have to be, but I am not closely familiar with anybody in such a relationship. So many of those I have observed end up completely degrading for either the male or female in the relationship. I know a lot of my girlfriends on the East coast complain about Black men dating white women disproportionately, but around here, I just rarely see quality, middle class Black men straying from Black women when it comes time to engage in a real relationship.

I know of more functional white male/Black female relationships than the opposite pairing, but I they are few and far between. I think the fact that Black women are so discriminating about the type of white man they would even consider dating contributes to this.

16 07 2008
shyGirl

Late as usual…I’m a very efficient packer, much more efficient than my ex, who usually carried 2-3 bags to my one. I believe in handwashing and air drying. I always get interrogated coming back into the U.S., as if it is unbelievable that someone like me can travel abroad. Airport security is completely useless…I got through with a camping stove, lighters, and matches in separate incidents.

16 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“YOU BROUGHT FOUR PAIRS OF SHOES TO SPAIN (TWO STOMPING BOOTS, TWO ADD’L GAY SHOES). THINK I DIDN’T MAKE NOTE OF THIS??????????”

I brought three pairs, you poultry pounding gook (even though I know this is probably Landmine, the Curry-Eating Cuntmonkey) – two pairs of stompin’ boots, and my kicks, all of which I fit into a single hiking bag along with enough clothing for our glorious 17-day bender.

Take it.

16 07 2008
Amadeo

Perhaps it’s just me…but I don’t really care who get’s with who unless I’m one of those people. If people started humping mail trucks I wouldn’t give a damn cause it would just increase the odds in my favor. Hell I can’t stop skinny jeans, Crap music or various other fuckery…so I concern myself with what I have influence over.

16 07 2008
ayo

I’m rolling with you on this one Amadeo…. I don’t give a durn who you like/bone/love since it is none of my bidness and effects me Zero. Dark butts, light butts, white butts, whatever. Do you. (Just please stay away from the kiddies and unhealthy fetishes.)

16 07 2008
Jen

Well, when I am observing a sorry, jobless Black man’s life being run by a direct descendant of a citizen of Hilter’s Aryan Germany or some low-self-esteem-having white girl sobbing and crying because some lowlife won’t leave the mother of his children because she gives him open access to most of her body cavities, I can’t help but shake my head.

Uh…on the shoe issue, I hope the three pairs of shoes include the pair you wore to the airport. And I hope each pair had a distinct function. Otherwise, yet ANOTHER man has made me feel like less of a woman because of my bare bones clothing choices.

16 07 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

I guess because I have so many multiracial cousins in my family (1/2 white, 1/2 Koreans, 1/2 Nicaraguans, etc.), I learned a long time ago to say ‘fuck it’ when it comes to IR relationships and their children. Getting mad about it resolves nothing, because people are going to keep doing what they do regardless of who takes issue with it.

For the record, I do know of a black-man/white woman marriage that has lasted about 35-40 years. They are a wonderful, God-Fearing couple and have two sons who are in the ministry and they seem to have a good solid foundation on their marriage. That in this day in age is as rare as a $3 bill,.

HOWEVER, I DO have a problem when a black man justifies his choice to date/marry outside his race by denigrating ALL black women as if their some sort of monolithic entity. That’s not fair to black women, and it’s just plain ignant.

Also, black men who will fuck the first Becky they see coming, but have the nerve to get mad when they see a sista out with a white dude really get under my craw too.

16 07 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

Well, when I am observing a sorry, jobless Black man’s life being run by a direct descendant of a citizen of Hilter’s Aryan Germany or some low-self-esteem-having white girl sobbing and crying because some lowlife won’t leave the mother of his children because she gives him open access to most of her body cavities, I can’t help but shake my head.

Well hell, that is something to shake your head about. Not only do you have a fucked up relationship in these scenarios, but dealing with the underlying racial politics of it all…

I know I can’t stand to see some black dude with some fat nasty Becky and try to convince us that his Roseanne-Looking-Heifer is some sort of dimepiece. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me its raining.

But I assume that some sistas in that scenario would say let him have her, cause he must be half blind if he thinks that.

16 07 2008
Amadeo

I actually despise anyone getting mad at anothers persons choice or anyone generalizing a group as justification. Frankly though the group I’m most tired of hearing generalization about is the one I’m in.

16 07 2008
Rev Leon Lonnie Luv

OT- Ignant question of the day:

If you had a choice to go to Aretha or Patti Labelle’s house for a sunday-dinner or cookout, who do you think would throw down more in the kitchen?

16 07 2008
Jen

In case it isn’t clear, I don’t have a problem with interracial relationships as a general concept or when they exist as genuinely healthy relationships. But, most of the ones I see are extremely dysfunctional and I can’t help but stare open-mouthed at extreme dysfunction.

16 07 2008
ayo

Rev… Aretha is too fat to cook… she orders out… NOW PATTI!!!! Im down to clown at a Sunday Dinner with her too…. Plus she might roll on the floor and sing too. Bananas.

Amadeo: I agree AGAIN! My problem is soley with those who ONLY date certain groups. (ie. Black men who ONLY date Hispanic women) Exclusivity is what is IGNORANT to me. Yeah, you may prefer a certain race or charateristics or qualities, but sometimes… give OTHER ppl a chance because you might be delighted with what you find.

16 07 2008
Amadeo

Yo…Patti has diabetes she probably uses Splenda and what not. She trying to take care of herself. Aretha is probably throwing down.

16 07 2008
Bajan Girl

@Rev Leon… “HOWEVER, I DO have a problem when a black man justifies his choice to date/marry outside his race by denigrating ALL black women as if their some sort of monolithic entity. That’s not fair to black women, and it’s just plain ignant.”

standing up waving lacy hankie… “YOU BETTA PREACH!!!”

16 07 2008
Jo

Lol & Cosign w/ Ayo

16 07 2008
Breez

I’ve gotta cosign Rev Leon. I know of people who make sweeping generalizations and realize one thing: they keep picking the SAME asshole. It’s not black men/women, IT’S YOU!

16 07 2008
4m_no_2_dc

even though anna is gone, let not forget the first “baby daddies”: WHITE SLAVE OWNERS WHO RAPED BLACK WOMEN, AND DID NOT CLAIM THEIR KIDS ALTHOUGH IT WAS PROBABLY OVERWHELMINGLY OBVIOUS WHO THE FATHER WAS.

SBPH: 100pts!!!!!

Anna: ::in the negative::

ps: since when were their no irish slave masters?!?!?!?….bitch please!

16 07 2008
Chicken Jon

COCK-GOBBLER –

YOU BROUGHT 2 PAIRS OF STOMPING BOOTS, YOUR ‘KICKS’, A GAY ASS CASUAL SHOE (BOAT SHOE PERHAPS?) AND SLIPPERS. YOU BROUGHT MORE SHOES THAN UNDERWEAR YOU COCK GOBBLING, STRIPED SHIRT WEARING HOMO-FAG

16 07 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

All lies except for the underwear part. I don’t wear the stuff.

16 07 2008
Merri Lee

I’m maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad I missed out on Anna’s convo. I wish I could have shucked and jived for the (redacted – don’t want to get in trouble like Mrs. Obama) who treats her minority friends las equals.

16 07 2008
Jen

Easy access. Wee!

16 07 2008
Sthan

I must be so retarted – its almost funny. I am a yuppie intelligent douche bag who thoroughly digs your blog. I know you don’t care – but I thought I would say it anyway.

16 07 2008
amoreme

Big fan of your blog.

My mother works for TSA and she hates it. But it has good benefits as a worker. Don’t put any valuables in your checked bags because they get thrown around like a soccer ball back there. Just to be forewarned for next time.

16 07 2008
brran1

@ Chris

Since I can’t fly on SBPH Air cuz I’d get melted, can I at least cop some stock?

22 07 2008
msgrant423

Okay this was so true OMG! Just a short personal experience. I was at the Newport News Airport which is probably the smallest airport ever. Yet there was still a bunch of imbeciles that could not manage to use the E-check in properly. But they tried and tried again. Therefore I call myslef being smart and rushed to the Standard Check-In where there was no line. (Surprisingly!) Funny that as I walk up so older black lady adorned with African attire jumps in front of me. After noticing my expression she explains desperately “my flight leaves in 15 minutes”. My reply: “And? So does mine? Hmph!” (Further evidence to support the lack of respect for old people these days. “what’s gotten into these young folk?”) Meanwhile the rep. checks us in at the same time, I have never heard of that in my life. Damn ! They need to do this at all the damn airport. After going thru the mazes and etc. I arrive at my gate and discover these bitches fucked up and gave me a first class flight!!! Oh shit!
As I put my things away (in 10 seconds or less I promise) and take my seat this young black guy sits beside me. Ah! No prob outta him. Then Ms Nigeria waddles through and explains to the kid “that’s her seat”! Does it really Matter?? we are all in 1st class! Meanwhile, after noticing the disappointment in my face (not by the fact that the guy is NOT sitting by me, but the fact that she IS) She begins to play matchmaker between for the guy and me who is obviously 3-5 years younger than I, maybe it was my baby face! After I insist she stop and turn bright red she opens up this duffle bag that’s bigger than my luggage and that’s full of enough snacks to feed the whole plane 3-4 times. She pulls out the big tub of spinach dip and doritos. Are you serious? Then proceeds to engage in small talk neglecting to see that I am listening to my MP3 player. She leans in to whisper since I “didn’t hear her” (nor did I want to). Turns out she was born in Chicago and raised in Atlanta. What the hell you got this ceremonial Africana shit on for? Anyway. Thanks Again! I thought I was the only one!

22 08 2008
riz

This post still makes me LOL while traveling. But now I think I may now why you hate airports: Dulles airport is the most blatant display of ignorant fuckery that I ever did see. No one in that entire airport has ANY sense of urgency in anything that they did. Every service took twice as long as it should have. Maybe that’s because the employees know that the planes will run late anyway, so there’s no need to hurry.

But I did discover one thing that I enjoy about airports: the bars. There is always some quirky couple or strange tacky guy from Jersey ordering you drinks. And everyone gets tipsy and bonds over how much they hate to fly.

4 10 2008
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6 12 2008
kuba

How had I not heard of this site before?
maybe it’s more popular in America than in England.
Anyway…
You have a great sense of humour and some really interesting opinions that most people would be scared to post on a public website. It’s refreshing.

I can see myself coming back to read more sometime soon…

17 08 2009
Matt

So true those fucks that ran into the world trade centers screwed us forever with those stupid security lines that take forever to get through. Really though don’t shit on fat people that much while I agree I seem to break the fat mold because I’m big and I use the conveyor belts for what they are meant to do GETTING SOMEWHERE FASTER! I hate seeing people just sitting there its not there for that its for *gasp* maybe you’re late for a flight and need to get through 20-40 feet of ground faster its not for your convenience to be lazy.

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