I’ve pretty much had it up to here* with hearing about motherfucking Panda Bears. Being the news junkie that I am, I’m fairly attuned to shit that I hear about over and over again from different news networks – and I’m all the more aware of it when it’s something that’s goddamn retarded. This week, the culprit was Panda Bears.
A little while ago, the earth went all Numbers 16:31-33 on China and killed somewhere on the order of 50,000+ people last time I checked. In the wake of all this, my favorite news station that I love to hate (NPR) did a number of ‘deep dive’ journalism pieces about various shit that got wrecked in China. Amidst all the chaos, shattered lives, tragic deaths, and nearly incalculable damage, NP fucking R decides that one of its first exposés on the aftermath of the quake will be…
…the effect of the quake on Giant Pandas.
I don’t understand why people are so goddamn obsessed with Pandas, especially in this country. White people in particular just love the motherfuckers, and I can only assume it’s linked with their decades-long obsession with everything asian.
Panda Bears are stupid for more reasons that I can count, but I’m going to include the top three here:
1.) They are Black and White.
Pandas – like fascists, racists, and the Sith – see everything in absolutes. They are too stupid to make complex decisions or appreciate the world’s many dimensions, so they break everything down into two categories to make life easier for their dumbass selves. Panda’s are so narrow minded in this respect that their binary thinking actually permeates into their fur, which is black and white to reflect the short-sighted way they view the world. This leads us directly to the second reason that Panda Bears suck…
2.) They are White Supremacists
Take a look at this picture:
Figure 1: Look at this asshole.
This picture may seem innocent and maybe even cute on first glance. But lying under this resting Panda is a racial subtext that ain’t so cute. Notice first that the majority of the bear’s fur is white. A lot of people don’t know that a Panda gets to choose how much white and black fur it has, and every single Panda chooses to have way more white than black. Now, take a look at what else is happening in the picture. The white majority of the bear – the head, stomach, and back – is resting peacefully. But what are the black parts doing? That’s right, the black arms and legs are doing all the work keeping the bear in place. What are the black ears and eyes doing? Listening and looking for threats in the form of other Pandas. Despite the fact that the blacks are doing all the slave labor…where does all the delicious Panda fat go? Right to the white belly. Fuck you, Panda.
3.) They are Vegetarians
Nobody likes a vegetarian…or at least nobody that matters. We’ve all had the misfortune of meeting a vegetarian. You know, they’re those fucking people who practically soil themselves with pleasure when they get the opportunity to say “no lamb for me, thanks – I don’t eat meat.” Then they sit there with a smug shit-eating grin on their face as they eat their rabbit food and act like they’re better than you. Meanwhile you sit there eating your steak fried steak’em getting the amino acids that can ONLY be found in meat and are credited with the evolutionary development of the human brain which allowed us to do awesome shit like discover fire and cure Polio. If it were up to vegetarians, we’d have never made it past Cro-Magnon and people’d still be dying from the common cold – so we can safely conclude that all vegetarians harbor a latent desire to wipe out humanity. This doesn’t really have anything to do with Panda bears, but come on…
Figure 2: LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE!!!!!
*I have no idea where ‘here’ is.