For the third day in a row, I had to put up with some moronic teenager on a fucking cellphone telling her life for everyone to hear. This particular day, however, I got to hear this particular little gem:
Idiot on phone: “Yea, Steve and I have been totally serious for like a year now.
Idiot on phone: “No no, we’re pre-engaged. We’re not quite really engaged yet.”
I heard this same shit from one of my idiot 20 year-old cousins at a family gathering this weekend. My understanding is that there are exactly two types of women in relationships between the ages of 18 and 20:
- The type that’s in a relationship with a guy between 18 and 21
- The type that’s in a relationship with a guy 25 or older*
Like most people, regardless of gender, these girls want to exude a sense of maturity so they’ll be taken seriously by the world at large. Most people accomplish this by earning it: they go to school, achieve measurable success in a career or their own business, buy a house, travel, volunteer their time and/or donate to charities, mentor children, and otherwise do that thing you have to do to be taken seriously as an adult – namely, growing the fuck up.
Figure 1: The difference between a child and an adult
Most girls aged 18 – 20, however, try to take a shortcut: they get engaged.
I often find myself at an odd type of social function that puts people between the ages of 18 and 30 in mixed company: powwow after-parties, also known as 49s. During the 49, people meet, greet, talk shit, and bark at the moon pretty much like they would at a house party. Sometimes there is fire water present, and tongues (and genitals) can get a bit…loose. The fire water also makes young(er) people a little more bold than they would normally be, so inevitably you have to deal with a group of 18 – 20 year old girls running around everywhere manufacturing reasons to bring up their significant others and the fact that they’re engaged. Now this 19-going-on-20 year old thinks she has the ethos required to participate in a serious conversation of shared experiences with people my age because some dude gave her a 1/2 karat please-don’t-fuck-other-people ring.
It’s never long after mentioning the engagement that the girl begins to wax retarded about being ‘different’ and ‘more mature’ than other girls her age**. This nonsense is immediately followed by the list of standard reasons why her relationship with this dude is destined to succeed for some reason other than sheer dumb improbable luck***:
- We’ve lived together for a year
- We already act like we’re married, so nothing will change
- We’re both very mature for our age
- I talk to Jesus
Figure 2: Analog to a 20 year old’s marriage
The game is on and I’m way too tired to get into the flawed logic behind all this shit, so instead I’m going to focus my laser-beam rage on one group of chicks in particular: the pre-engaged.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT MEAN TO BE PRE-ENGAGED?!?!?!?!
I had another idiot cousin of mine**** show up to Christmas dinner wearing a ring on her left ring finger. Since she was 18 years old, it was clearly my duty to interrogate her roundly:
Me: [pointing at the ring] “What the hell happened to your hand?
Cousin: “Ha Ha. It’s a promise ring.”
Me: “What the hell is a promise ring?”
Cousin: “My boyfriend gave it to me.”
Me: “That’s not what I asked.”
Cousin: “It’s…a precursory token of commitment”
Me: “What the fuck did you just say?”
Cousin: “We’re pre-engaged
Me: “Really? Do you refer to the living as ‘pre-dead’, too?”
Figure : Promise Ring
Young girls aren’t the only ones that do this shit, either. I know a 33 year old woman that’s been pre-engaged for 18 months. Interestingly, pre-engagement isn’t a female invention. It’s a remarkably effective device conjured up by men to give their women the illusion of commitment and buy them more time to continue screwing around. Any chick that’s dumb enough to sincerely accept a pre-engagement ring deserves to be pre-engaged forever, so here’s what you should do if your man ever gives you one:
- Accept the ring lovingly
- Sell the ring on eBay
- Use the proceeds of the sale to buy a taser
- Apply said taser liberally to your boyfriend’s balls
- Fuck other people
*Also commonly referred to as a ‘child molester’
**Has anyone ever met a 20 year old girl than DOESN’T think she’s more mature than God
***This is similar to saying you can win the lottery on purpose
****Every woman in my family who isn’t my mother is retarded