Getting breakfast at McDonald’s is a lot like going to Red Lobster when you’re really really hungry: it seems like a great idea until the moment you start eating.
McDonald’s breakfast is undeniably tasty. They’ve introduced some fairly controversial items in recent years (the McGriddle, breakfast burrito, and southern-style chicken biscuit being the most contemporary), but overall there are few things more wonderful than the idea of a savory sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit washed down with a pair of hash browns and an ice coffee (see the coming Aside).
Figure 1: Oxymoron
Aside: Fuck Starbucks
You cannot order anything at Starbucks without sounding like a complete and utterly pompous asshole. There is no way to say “Double-tall skim mocha macchiato” and still be a populist. I went with my boss to a Starbucks a few months ago for a status meeting. After realizing how stuck up we sounded after ordering our drinks, we skipped the meeting and instead spent the next hour on the phone apologizing to our fathers.
McDonald’s ice coffee is awesome for two reasons: 1.) it’s just as tasty as ice coffee you can get at Starbucks, and 2.) it’s 10,000 times cheaper. It’s so cheap, you can cost-effectively bathe in it. Starbucks, whose popularity has been waning anyway since the circa-2002 fallout of the popping of the go-go 90s yuppie douchebag bubble*, now has what I hope will be the final nail in its coffin that’ll send it spiraling into the purgatoric realm of functioning unprofitability that’d make even Amazon.com say “you guys are FUCKED.”
You realize that ordering McDonald’s breakfast was a bad idea right around the moment you pull the sandwich out of the bag. The wrapping on the sandwich is greasier than a 14 year old’s face. When you remove the wrapping, you realize that the grease and the paper actually weigh more than the sandwich. In spite of this, the sandwich still looks incredibly tasty and you can’t wait to eat it…but you set it aside for a moment to warm up with some hash browns.
Figure 2: Quite possibly the most delicious thing on the planet
If you have a penis, you carry a bottle of hot sauce with you at all times and you douse the hash browns with it. You wolf down the fried, spicy, greasy, artery-clogging, potatoey goodness of three or four hashbrowns, which will render you prepared for the main McBuscuity event staring you down from its oily cage.
Aside from enjoying the awesome tastiness, your main concern while eating a McBiscuit sammich is making sure that the biscuit doesn’t completely fall apart as you eat it. The flakiness of a McDonald’s biscuit is part of what makes it delicious – but you don’t want to be one of those people picking at little leftover biscuit chunks at the end of the meal. This would be an indication of bad management skills and, if your boss catches you doing it, he or she will probably fire you. You perform this two-step dance of enjoying the biscuit’s taste and managing the biscuit’s constitution for roughly 2 minutes, and then you spend the next 10 hours questioning your judgment.
McDonald’s breakfast leaves your stomach insanely full. It’s not the good kind of full that you feel after Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner. Rather, it’s more like the kind of full I’d imagine contestants have after being on Fear Factor – that is, you feel like you are literally full of shit. You start to realize that the saying “it’s the journey, not the destination” applies especially well to McDonald’s breakfast: the journey was one of unmitigated succulence…but the destination is you feeling like, and possibly even resembling, this guy:
Figure 3: The journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step, which you are now too fat to take.
The most interesting (and terrifying) thing about McDonald’s breakfast is the fact that this relatively tiny meal will leave you full for an extraordinary amout of time. I treated myself to McDonald’s breakfast last Thursday. I finished eating around 9:45 that morning and wasn’t hungry again until 7pm that night. I’m pretty sure I could digest a motorcycle battery in about the same amount of time.
Anything that sits in your stomach that long does so because it’s not digesting, and things that don’t digest aren’t food. This explains why McDonald’s restaurants, despite often being filthy, are never cited for health code violations: it’s because they aren’t technically serving food. They’re just giving you shit that tastes good, costs money, makes your stomach hurt, and leaves you wondering why the hell you wanted it in the first place.
McDonald’s breakfast is, essentially, a vagina.
* The late 90’s, from what I remember, was an era of conspicuous consumption that hadn’t been seen in more than a decade. This is when shit like giant SUVs and Starbucks became popular – because it was hip to order a $7 cup of morning coffee and burn nine gallons of gas during your morning commute. Nowadays, the opposite is true: it’s now hip to act, dress, and behave like you’re poor even if you have a six-figure salary and you think a carburetor is a rival to the South Beach Diet. This type of feigned economic status is not to be confused with CUFFS, which is didactic and motivated by spite – unlike hipsterism which is vain and motivated by bullshit.