I came home yesterday completely worn out. The day started at 4am and ended around 9pm after working 8 hours at my day job and 5 hours on my own bidnass, then cutting the shit out my hands working on a mosaic for 3 hours, all capped off with yet another 1 hour vomit-inducing run around the national mall (this time I actually puked IN the Reflecting Pool).
I stumble into my condo’s lobby drenched in sweat and barely able to remember my own fucking name. I make my way to the elevators, press the ‘up’ button, and wait as patiently as I can given my extremely depleted blood sugar. There is an asian woman standing next to me waiting as well. Seasoned readers can probably already tell something horrible is going to happen.
The elevator finally shows up and I hobble into it. As the door closes and I struggle to remember what floor I live on, the slanty eyed creature next to me opens her mouth:
Asian Chick: “Um…you know…I caught you gawking at me the other day.”
There are at least two women who know me personally and read this site regularly, and they can each attest to my often extreme reaction to women who make incorrect assumptions that a.) I find them attractive, or b.) I am ‘in love’ with them. I have ended several friendships because of it, and I even made one girl cry.
Anyhow, after a deep sigh and and agitated groan I looked her over (with one eye) to see if perhaps she was right. What I beheld in my field of view was an insanely pale cunt from the east whom not only had I never seen before, but was (as Admiral Furious would so eloquently state) one chicken box away from exploding into irrevocable fatness. I pressed the button for my floor, gave her an eyeball-snarl, and returned to staring at the ground trying not to vomit.
Figure 1: My approximate facial expression
But Cindy Liu Hu isn’t done. I’ve pretty much stopped listening at this point and started substituting her real words with the dialog of the hooker from Full Metal Jacket, but I do remember hearing “what makes me think I could possibly be attracted to you?” and “you’re fucking creepy.” Everything she is saying is a self-aggrandizing testament to how good looking she thinks she is. I am now completely irate, but way too exhausted to hand this girl her own ass. She is still yammering away when the elevator opens at her floor and I, still looking at the floor, calmly interrupt her with what my be the most elegantly executed and brilliantly timed lie I’ve ever uttered in my entire life:
Chris: “Lady, I’m gay.”
Then there was silence. A beautiful, serene, awesome absence of sound that can only come from someone with their foot in their mouth. Since I was looking at the floor, I didn’t see the look on her face, but I imagine it looked something like this:
Figure 2: Asian girl….pwned.
Everybody has run into some pretentious jackass who ass-u-mes you’re attracted to them, or even madly in love with them. While guys are guilty of this from time to time, women are the offending gender at least 90% of the time. Women make the mistake of believing that every guy they see looking at them is checking them out. This couldn’t be further from the truth. If you catch me looking at you, it’s probably because I:
- Think you look like someone I know
- See food stuck in your teeth
- Am passing the time by trying to guess how much you weigh
- Am silently mocking your choice of clothing
- Smell something awful coming from your direction
- Am waiting for something embarrassing to happen to you while you stand there trying to look cute
- See you wearing an empire waist top and am trying to determine if you’re fat or pregnant
Next time you see a guy looking at you – please get your head out of your ass. Make sure you don’t have spinach in your teeth or smell like a sack of ass, because chances are that’s why you’re being looked at.
The second thing that women (and men, 10% of the time) are guilty of is assuming that once you’ve rejected or broken up with someone, that he/she still has a ‘thing’ for you. For the women that do this, though, it is to your credit that about half the time this perception you have is the guy’s fault, and here’s why:
When you reject a guy, he will react in one of two ways. The first type of guy is the one who, when you say “let’s just be friends”, actually tries to be your friend but continues to flirt with you at pretty much every opportunity. The second type of guy is a guy who has tried the ‘friends’ thing before and recognizes it for what it is – complete and utter shit – and cuts off contact with the girl almost entirely.
In both cases, the girl assumes that the guy isn’t over her and, by extension, she’s hot shit. In the first case, it’s the guy’s fault. After all, if a girl rejects you but you continue to be friends with her and send signals that you’re still attracted to her, then she’s going to think she owns your nuts, and rightfully so. She’s incorrect, though, because in addition to flirting with her you’re also flirting with and possibly dating 100 other women, and the only reason you’re still messing with Ms. Rejection is to keep her on your reserve list “just in case”. She’s essentially become a junk bond.
In the second case, however, the girl tends to assume the guy isn’t over her because a.) if he was ‘over’ her then he’d be able to be friends with her (which is bullshit), and b.) because he’ll usually tell her a little white lie like “I can’t be friends with you…it’s too hard/painful” (this is the male equivalent of “let’s just be friends” – a disingenuous statement that allows you to sever the relationship without making you look like a complete asshole).
Figure 3: (l to r) – What she thinks he’s going through vs. What he’s actually going through
In any case, the guy isn’t cutting off contact with you because it’s ‘too hard’ to be friends. He’s cutting off contact with you because:
- Former romantic interests are a social liability
- Platonic female friends are useless and tedious to a man. In the rare event he needs a woman’s opinion, he will ask his mother/sister/aunt/cousin/niece
- He’s already got his eye on someone else
There you have it, girls. Many of yall are alright…but a good number of you need to get the hell over yourselves. Especially my fucking neighbor.