It was a stupid motherfucking idea for me to sit at home and watch Dances with Wolves THREE FUCKING TIMES on Sunday.
Figure 1: OH FUCK!
Here’s a quick refresher: Actress and resident hairball Mary McDonnell plays the role of ‘Stands with a Fist’, a white woman adopted as a child by a band of Lakota that, instead of killing her, apparently didn’t let her wash her hair, not once, not ever.
Stands with a Fist runs around for the whole entire movie looking like she just crawled out of Buckwheat’s asshole. If her hair were a movie, it’d be one of the battle scenes from Braveheart.
Figure 2: Mary McDonnell’s scalp – 10,000X magnification
All the Indian women have perfectly groomed hair. It is clean, washed, combed, and either left flowing or tied into long braids or dual ponytails. I imagine that the hair would typically smell like lilac, or roses, or pomegranate, Guinness, or something else awesome and sensual. But not Ms. Fist in Her Ass. Apparently being joined up with the red savages has made her tap into the roots of her inner white savage – and we all know how fucking filthy they were.
Instead of doing the Indian thing – waking up and taking a bath – Stands with a Fist’s schedule seems to be a little different:
7:00am – Wake up
7:01am – Play in mud
10:00am – Breakfast
11:00am – Tie leaves in hair
1:00pm – Lunch
2:00pm – Dirt
4:00pm – Find tree. Attempt suicide. Fail. Rub hair in grass
5:00pm – Sneak around village stealing and burning combs and conditioner
6:30pm – Dinner
8:00pm – Dirt
9:00pm – Win David Lee Roth lookalike competition
10:00pm – Bed
Figure 3: Must be 4:00pm…
There’s a scene in the movie where this touched in the head broad gets married, and her hair pretty much looks the shittiest it will look in the entire film. I love the way they show the marriage procession. The camera starts at her feet – she’s wearing a beautiful white buckskin wedding dress with turquoise bead trim with matching moccasins. They slowly pan up past the moccs, the the lower part of the dress, the beaded belt, then the blouse…then BAM!
Figure 4: So I Married a Cave Bitch…
Stands with a fist came out of a tipi wearing a gorgeous dress, but if you only saw her from the neck up you’d think she just stepped out of a cave in Lascaux where she just spent the last seven years painting shitty pictures of ibex and really really fat horses. If my bride to be showed up at our wedding with her head looking like an unshorn Neolithic vagina, we will not be jumping the broom by any stretch of the imagination. I will instead shove the broom between her legs and demand that she fly the fucking thing to the nearest Supercuts before my family starts counting coup on what appears to be a tiny bear attacking her scalp.
‘Stands with a Fist’ got her name by knocking out some Indian chick that was talking shit to her, then standing over her with a raised fist challenging every woman in the village to a fight*. Perhaps if that fist had been clutching a bottle of Herbal Essences, she wouldn’t have spent the whole film with her head looking like an upside-down bearded testicle.
The Indians in Dances with Wolves hate Stands with a Fist because her head smells like dead people.
*Which means Russell Crowe would have been more appropriate to cast in this role.