20 05 2008

Alcohol is a drug that’s as interesting as it is infuriating. Almost anyone over the age of 18 can recall some experience where alcohol has made them do something they consider to be absolutely fucking retarded:

  • 100lb men taking home 300lb women, and vice versa
  • Vomiting in public
  • Urinating in public
  • Urinating on the public
  • Loss of pants, shirt, shoes
  • Talking to women/men way out of your league
  • Black people dancing like white people
  • White people dancing like themselves
  • Koreans dancing with non-Koreans

Alkey is interesting, though, because the ‘kind’ of drunk you get depends on the kind of alcohol you are drinking. Let’s see how the average drunken night out progresses for an individual based on what they choose to drink – beer, wine, or liquor.

9:00pm – Pregaming

Beer Drinker: The beer drinker loves the pregaming period, and the younger he is, the better. Young people like beer because, like Mexican day labor, it’s cheap and it’s everywhere. The beer drinker will pop open several cans/bottles of beer and down them one after the other, with increasing speed, relishing the relatively inexpensive buzz that builds slowly over the next 1.5 – 2 hours. You will pay dearly for this later.

Wine Drinker: If you start off the night with a glass of wine, you’re probably a pompous asshole. If you start off the night with a bottle of wine, you are probably a friend of mine. In either case, you are drinking wine because you’re aware of the fairly ‘smooth drunk’ effect that comes from getting drunk off it. Your knowledge of euphoric wine crunkitude this allows you to tolerate your friends constantly referring to you as “fag”.

Liquor Drinker: the way you take your hard liquor during the pregame defines how the rest of your night will go. Starting off with something sweet like Rum & Gingerale means that you’re probably going to take it easy for the rest of the night. Starting off with a car bomb and a shot of Absinthe means that you’re probably going to wind up crashing a black-tie ball at an embassy wearing ripped jeans and a t-shirt, and spend most of your night trying to convince people that your black ass is Irish.*

11:00pm – Arrival

Sooner or later the pregaming will stop and you’ll wind up at a bar or some godforsaken club

Beer Drinker: After pounding back 12 beers in 2 hours, you have to piss like a racehorse. You didn’t take a leak at the pregaming venue because you drink beer to get drunk and are therefore an idiot. If the group puts you in charge of talking to the doorman, the night’s over: you are clearly drunk, you are doing the pee-pee dance, and there’s no way the bouncer’s letting you in to urinate all over the carpet.

Wine Drinker: After 4 – 5 glasses of wine, you feel ‘delicious’. You know you’re drunk, and you feel all the good effects of being drunk without the bloating, stumbling, bad breath, and other side effects – so other people just think you’re really really really happy, or possibly high. The bouncers assume that your euphoric demeanor = wealth, and let you and your beer swilling friends right in.

Liquor Drinker: Whether you’ve been pounding Patron or Black Russians, you’re not completely drunk just yet. Unlike the beer drinker, you’re not miserable with a bloated, barley-induced intoxication. Unlike the wine drinker, though, you had to cut back toward the end of the pregame so you’d be able to stumble to the club without faceplanting at your buddy’s doorstep. By the time you get to the venue, you’re damn near sober again. It becomes clear at this point that you will wind up spending an inordinate amount of money to get drunk

12:30am – Mingling

Beer Drinker: It took you five minutes to empty your bladder, but you still haven’t learned your lesson. You are now doublefisting Coronas and trying to chat someone up. Unfortunately, if you’re a guy, your breath is repulsive from the hops and girls assume beer drinkers are poor. If you’re a girl, guys assume that girls drinking beer are a.) underage or b.) another guy bought them the beer. In any case, you lose – but you don’t really care because you have to pee again.

Wine Drinker: Being the pompous douchebag that you are, you continue ordering glasses of wine despite the difficulty of carrying around a wine glass in a club. As you sip classily amidst couples freaking each other to the sounds of Soulja Boy, you slowly begin to realize how ridiculous you look. You pound back the glass of wine like a shot and, now sans drank, find someone to holler at. If you’re a guy and are seen without a drink of any kind, girls assume you’re a cheap bastard and refuse to talk to you. If you’re a girl and are seen without a drink, the guy will probably ask if he can get you one. When you see the look on his face after saying “Chardonnay”, you realize that you might as well have pointed at your uterus and said “I need you to put a baby here!”

Liquor Drinker: Since you arrived at the club sober, you want to get drunk as quickly as possible to minimize the expense. You start ordering shots. Ordering shots is a great way to start mingling if you’re a guy, especially if you’re ordering rounds with friends, because bachelorette parties seem to have some kind of radar for detecting this shit. When you hear some chick behind you yell “WOOOOO TEQUILA!!!!”, you know you’ve hit paydirt**. If you’re a girl, ordering a round of shots is a good way to get some shmuck guy to order your next round. In either case, after about six shots you’re starting to feel the stumbles again, and you begin to realize that life is going to mop the floor with your ass very shortly.

2:00am – Riot

The same thing applies at this point to all types of drinkers. The alcohol is in full effect, and right now everyone is feeling delicious – even the beer drinker who, by now, has finally realized that drinking liquor is more cost-effective and less taxing on the bladder.

You and your friends are sex-dancing with people you would never even look at under normal circumstances. You are spilling alcohol all over yourself and others, and no one seems to care. Some of your more shy friends are wallflowering and waiting to get noticed – but in the meantime they’re pointing and laughing (very noticeably) at the group of tiny asian women that you see at every club putting way too much effort into their dancing. Your less-shy friends are getting (or giving) head in the bathroom.

Enjoy it fucker, because things are about to get real bad real soon…

3:30am – Munchies

Upon exiting the club, you realize for the first time in 7 hours that you are indeed made of flesh. You MUST have food…

Beer Drinker: You feel like a burlap sack full of asses. You are bloated, full, and you have to pee AGAIN. You feel like you could vomit at any moment, but you’re drunk enough to think that eating a bunch of greasy post-night-out food is going to make you feel better. You eat something ridiculous like a big ass gyro or empanada. If you’re really dumb, you head to a 24 hour diner and eat a full fucking breakfast.

Wine Drinker: Still euphoric, you have no desire for lay foods like jumbo slice pizza. Your pompous ass still has a reasonable appetite, and you’re trying to figure out if you’d like to have some brie and crackers with a glass of white, or hummus and olive oil with pita bread. The fact that you can still stand, think, and talk to members of the opposite sex without saying “HEY LADY! YOU GOTTA BUTT THAT WON’T QUIT! GIGGIDY!” enrages your friends. They continue calling you a “fag”.

Liquor Drinker: By now, you’ve already thrown up at least once. If you’re a real lady or gentleman, you vomited discreetly on one of the walls in the darkest corner of the venue. In either case, you are definitely hungry and will accept nothing less than the greasiest most unhealthy food within stumbling distance of your present location. While the beer drinker feels too sick to notice his drunkenness, you feel dizzy and disoriented and are noticing the shit out of it. Your life fucking sucks.

4:30am – Disaster

No one is happy but the wine drinker. Now loaded with greasy horrendous food that you wouldn’t even be able to keep down on a healthy stomach, the beer and liquor drinkers’ bodies are failing all over the place. They are vomiting in taxi cabs and on parked cars. They are urinating on houses and government buildings. They are sleeping in people’s lawns or in their own cars with the engines running. Some have uncontrollable ‘beer shits’ and are crapping mercilessly in the shrubbery of unsuspecting dormant locals. The person’s insides are effectively declaring their independence from the rest of the body (the brain in particular), and are making their exit as quickly as possible to search for greener pastures.

When the beer and liquor drinkers get home, they will be unable to sleep because the room is spinning. They will spend the next hour getting very familiar with the toilet, violently vomiting and shitting, and all they can hope for is not to do both at the same time. They will wake up with a pounding headache, nausea, and breath that smells like a dog’s ass. They will remember less than 40% of the previous night’s happenings.

The wine drinker is at home, eating soft cheese, watching a DVD as he/she falls soundly asleep.

*Yes, this happened to me

**This girl is probably great in bed. But keep in mind that she will be, without question, insane.