Dog Owners

19 05 2008

I’ve had the distinct misfortune of meeting several new dog owners within the last few months. I’ll be running somewhere when I bump into somebody I know (usually a chick) walking or running on the trail with her mutt. The conversation with Dopey (Dog Owning Pompous Egotistical Yuppie) almost always goes like this:

Dopey: “Hey!”
Me: [pointing at dog] “What the hell is that?”
Dopey: “This is Mr. Miffins!” [to dog] “Say ‘hi’ to Chris, Mr. Miffins”
Me: …
Dopey: “Isn’t he ADORABLE?!?!?!?”
Me: “Cool, you brought a snack!”
Dopey: “Har har, Mr. Miffins isn’t for eating.”
Me: “Why the hell not?”
Dopey: “You know, you should get a dog! Then you’d have someone to run with you!”
Me: [hurls dog into river, runs away]

The most annoying thing about dog owners – especially newly minted dog owners – is the fact that they try to convince you that you’re an asshole for not owning a dog. They tell you how much ‘fun’ the companionship is, and how the animal completes them. They tell you that there’s a hole in your life that will not be filled unless you procure a creature whose idea of a good time is licking it’s own asshole, then licking your face. This happens, of course, either before or after it tries to have sex with your leg.

Figure 1: You could at least buy me dinner first.

Personally, I think I’ll pass. Being able to stay out at late as I want, taking vacations at a moment’s notice, not having to walk a dog at the crack of dawn in the dead of winter, and not having to deal with pet hair everywhere are a real pain in the ass…but hey, it’s my choice to make. Instead, I think I’ll jam an icepick up my cock once a week. It’s about the same amount of fun with a fraction of the expense, mess, and inconvenience.

Lots of yuppies like to gobble up cultural concepts espoused by the Chinese and the Lakota. They decorate their homes with Feng Shui in mind and hang mandallas* everywhere. Every asshole on the planet has a dreamcatcher or one of these things hanging off their rear view mirror for no good fucking reason. I always wonder why, then, they fail to adopt another imporant Chinese/Lakota maxim:

Dogs are food.

Somewhere in the Bible, it says that God made animals delicious because the purpose of Man is to put hot sauce on them and eat them. I don’t recall seeing an exception being made for dogs, cats, ferrets, gerbils, or any of the other furry delicious animals that people insist on not eating like God intended.

Figure 2: Cute, sure. But if it could, it would eat you.

Dog owners are implicitly spitting on the Bible. By owning a dog and not eating it, you are basically saying “I am better than Jesus.”

I have a special place in my heart reserved for hating women that own those teeny tiny dogs. Some hot black girl jumped into my elevator a month or so ago at my condo, and right when I’d worked up the nerve to talk to her, she pulled a dog out of her purse and I nearly lost my shit. When I was living in Texas several years ago, there were at least five women at my gym who would show up in their cars driving with dogs IN THEIR LAPS (which they would then drop off in the gym’s ‘Doggie Play Land’).

Figure 3: “HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Yep, that’s a nice thing to do, you asshole: cram a furry animal with no sweat glands into a purse that it’ll barely fit into on a hot day while you go shopping for three fucking hours. I’m sure you’d enjoy a similar experience of being thrown into the trunk of a Miata in Phoenix while wearing a fur coat and having the owner do donuts all day under the midday sun while you have to take a piss the entire time.

Everytime I see a teeny weeny dog, I start thinking about football because I get the urge to a.) punt the dog like Jack Black in ‘Anchorman’, b.) toss the dog like that dude in ‘Something About Mary’, or c.) spike the dog in an endzone like in my own torrid dreams. I also kinda want to do the same with the severed head of the owner, because she clearly isn’t using it anyway.

 

*Every Indian laughs inside when seeing a non-Indian buying one of these stupid things, which are about as authentically Indian as General Tso chicken is authentically Chinese.

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210 responses

19 05 2008
Esquire

Was I wrong for almost peeing my pants when Jack Black punted that dog?

I hate dog owners too. Especially the ones who compare them to children!!!!!!! DOGS ARE NOT CHILDREN.

I also really hate BLACK dog owners. Buy something besides a pitt bull you ghettohawk.

19 05 2008
creativecat

I don’t have any dogs–just cats. My cats would have fun playing with those little drop-kick dogs. And I AM better than Jesus because I actually exist.

19 05 2008
Shine

Dog owners are implicitly spitting on the Bible. By owning a dog and not eating it, you are basically saying “I am better than Jesus.”

Oh man are you going to PETA hell! too funny. I hate those chicks with bag dogs. I saw one chic in class used to bring her dog in her bookbag and it spent the whole class period staring at me. I swear I could hear the little fly voice going ‘help me, help meeeee.’ Also these are the same bastards who dress their animals. I used to assume these were crazy white women with no children who did this until I saw a sista on the train, natural, seemingly bohemian, then had this dog which was so hot it was crying in a book bag. And here she is sucking on some ice cold water and her dog is on the PATH in the middle of a NYC August IN A COAT! in a bag, with its hair all long mouth open so wide panting I could see the inside of its tail, and she didn’t even squirt the dog some water. I wanted to slap her. Except it was hot on the train (A/c breakdown in that car) and If I started to slapping there would’ve been a riot. You know black folk don’t know how to act in the heat in confined spaces. Thats why people get shot on the bus in the summer.

19 05 2008
{kay}

lmao – though I am a new dog owner – this post made me laugh my butt off! i’m happy to say i’m not one of THOSE kind of dog owners (no dog ‘purse’, no driving on my lap (wtf???), no telling people how awesome it is etc.) THOSE dog owners piss me off too! hahaha to be honest the first month was tough as sh@t and I almost sold him! but I didn’t.

oh – btw – i’m black. and no, it’s not a pitbull. funny thing is i actually hate dogs. I know, I know.

19 05 2008
Yonnie3k

I love this post! I don’t like (hate is pretty strong) dogs or most household pets. They smell. And shed. I can’t believe you didn’t talk about some of the disgusting habits of dopeys – like kissing dogs on the mouth (~dry heaves~), or giving them free reign of the house. Seriously, why is your dog’s paws on the kitchen table? Get them the fu@k outta your bed!! Have you ever gone for dinner at a dog owner’s house? They pet the dog, and then immediately go back to stirring the pot. NO YOU DISGUSTING A$$HOLE!!! WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

Okay. I’m done. I feel better now.

19 05 2008
Shine

I should mention that I do like dogs and I want to get one now but I don’t like having dogs in an apartment or the city where they can’t run around. Unless they have very short legs. And most dogs with short legs are terriers and i hate those yappy little bastards. OR those sausage dogs which have a nasty fucking attitude. And I’ll be damned if i’m going to take care of a small asshole who can’t speak English or use a toilet. Which leads me only to a ferret on a leash or a basset hound. ANd like basset hounds b.c. you can tie their floppy ears together and they’re feet turn out so the look ridiculous when they walk. But those loud fuckers howl at everything. So I’ll wait until i get my country estate and have children to walk and feed the mutts.

19 05 2008
Knatural

“I am better than Jesus.” AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAH, *spits out blackberry*
I love dogs! But for the reasons you cited – walking his ass in the dead of winter, expensive, etc. I probably won’t get a dog until I have children. Or I’ll train him to be free-range, like those tasty chickens.
I was out in Adams Morgan (DC) a few weeks ago and some chick brought her dog, in a purse, to the bar! And I hate how people bring dogs into evil establishments like Starbucks or clothing stores in Georgetown. What the hell! Why is this allowed?

19 05 2008
Shine

Yea even though I grew up with 2-3 dogs at once, our house was not covered in dog hair, the dogs stayed out of kitchen when food was prepared on pain of death, no dogs in beds on pain of death and severe ass whooping. And our house didn’t smell of dog as evinced by multiple black people who visited who didn’t like dogs and made sure to mention that. It can be done people. Don’t be nasty.

19 05 2008
Shine

Also don’t name your animal something stupid. I’m not calling your animal by any sort of salutation (mr. tiddles, Dr. fluffnpuff, the right hon. rev. pastor deacon poochycoo) nor do animals have surnames. And if I sound like I lost IQ points saying your animals name (Winkles) or like I’m using a euphemism for a bodily function for a 3 year old (see Winkles again, or Tiddles) then I’m going to kick you in your shins and release your pink miniature poodle to the wild via a discus throw off an overpass. Don’t punk your animals. This is why they attack.

19 05 2008
Lindsay

As a person who’s allergic to dog hair, I don’t hate dog owners, per se, but I definitely can’t see the point of housing a domesticated wild animal.

I just don’t get it. And then these are the same people who complain about their living expenses getting too high. You’re sheltering an animal. Cut out the fluff (no pun intended).

Figure two reminded me of the Troy McClure video they showed Lisa when she was becoming a vegetarian.

“Don’t be fooled, Billy,” McClure said. “If he got the chance, a cow would eat you and everyone you care about.”

*dramatic music sting*

19 05 2008
Laurel

Dog owners are implicitly spitting on the Bible. By owning a dog and not eating it, you are basically saying “I am better than Jesus.”

Ha ha ha.!
If I owned a publishing company I’d give you a book deal.

19 05 2008
klysha

LMAO! Oh my Gooodness get out of my head dude! I feel the same way about dogs! Why would I want to get a roomate that I have to buy their food, pay their medical bills, doesn’t pay rent, and as a bonus they might occasionally piss on my carpet. No thank you! I had my little brother as a roomate for a while in college but at least he was potty trained. The worst is the one’s who treat their dogs like their children. I had this older white guy sitting next to me when I was in training for my job who leaned over to me and said “hey you wanna see some pictures of my baby.” I was bored so I said “sure.” I was fully expecting to see a picture of a kid. But of course it was a stupid dog. He had a gazillion pictures of this mutt and every time he showed me one he sat there waiting for me to react with an awww how cute….when I really wanted to say. “You know that’s just a dog right.”

19 05 2008
benjie

i’ve never really liked cats.
and now i just found out that i’m hella allergic to the things, so my dislike somehow makes sense and returns balance to the universe.
cats always seem pretentious to me. like, as my pet i should be allowed to interact with it at any given moment. but…sometimes they might not be in the mood. wtf is that??

i’ve always been a dog person. (i’m kinda allergic to them too)
but i want a huge dog
like a great dane or something.
something that strikes fear, not makes you want to cuddle.

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

OMG, birthday twin, get out my head. I was thinking just yesterday about how all White people love dogs and assume that everyone loves dogs and how dogs are so much more important to them than anyone who is not White or a dog. White people love dogs like Black people love Jesus and Henny, like “Creoles” love Beyonce, like Beyonce loves “Fair And White” lightening cream.

We were in Union Square on Saturday and all these assholes were letting their dogs run amok. If you REALLY loved dogs, you wouldn’t have a (insert name of a big breed of dog that is the size of a child), living in a 2×7 foot apartment in New York City, you fucking ass!

My worst date ever, this guy took me to these White people’s house and they had like, three dogs in a one bedroom apartment and they were telling all these stories about how the dogs smoke weed and blah blah blah. Then one of the fucking mutts pissed on my foot. I HATE DOGS.

19 05 2008
Loudmouth Protestant

General Tso’s chicken is not authentically Chinese??? I thought I was giving them props. Well, why the hell is it on the menu? I guess to cater to black people like myself who think they are doing something groundbreaking when they order it. Back to the drawing board…

19 05 2008
cmoore

MY SISTER HAS ONE OF THESE STUPID LITTLE DOG AND SHE TREATS HER DOG LIKE A FREAKING PRINCESS, BUYING THE DOG ALL TYPES OF CLOTHES TO WEAR AND WHAT NOT. ITS PATHETIC AND I MAKE IT MY POINT TO TERRORIZE THE DOG EVERYTIME SHE BRINGS IT TO MY HOUSE IN THAT STUPID VON DUTCH BAG!!!!!!!!!!

19 05 2008
Quiet Storm

“I hate dog owners too. Especially the ones who compare them to children!!!!!!! DOGS ARE NOT CHILDREN.”

Yes! I hate when they compare them to children too. And they would also have the nerve to have a full scale funeral service and be in deep depression when they die. THEY ARE NOT PEOPLE. Damn! Boutiques make sooo much money off these ‘dopeys’ dressing their pets like people. Maybe Im in the wrong business! I would love to make money off doing some stupid ish like that.

Yonnie3k: “I can’t believe you didn’t talk about some of the disgusting habits of dopeys – like kissing dogs on the mouth (~dry heaves~), or giving them free reign of the house.”

I throw up a little in my mouth every time I see that. I saw this one white couple kiss their dog on the mouth, then kiss each other. YUCK! That dog probably just finished licking some other dogs @$$ for all you know, but you have it licking your mouth and face and you are kissing its mouth?! wtf?! I don’t know about people from other Caribbean islands, but in Jamaica, dog owners absolutely do not keep dogs in the house or treat them like children. They treat them like the dogs they are (Im not saying they abuse them. They just don’t treat them like they are HUMAN BABIES). That is why I was confused growing up seeing the difference between a Jamaican dog owner and an American dog owner. **sigh and shrug shoulders**

19 05 2008
dynamicdiva

Freaking Hilarious! “Everytime I see a teeny weeny dog, I start thinking about football because I get the urge to a.) punt the dog like Jack Black in ‘Anchorman’, b.) toss the dog like that dude in ‘Something About Mary’, or c.) spike the dog in an endzone like in my own torrid dreams.”

And I also can’t stand people that claim their pets are their children. Get a phucking life!

19 05 2008
PrettyPiscesGirl

HATES DOGS…

You know, I was completely ignorant to how looney tunes dog owners can be until I started actually paying attention to them. There are, of course, the ingrates who carry around the pooch in those bags…further emasculating the poor thing. I was through when my mother told me about a co-worker whose dog had cancer and was going through chemo. Or when I found out (yes, I was probably MAD late) that female dogs have menstrual cycles…my ex-boyfriend’s family had a girl dog that hadn’t been “taken care of” yet…and she smelled WAY too much like a human female that hadn’t washed her ass the whole time she was dripping. They even have doggie sanitary pads!
I couldn’t have a pet anymore serious than a fish…if I just feel the need to give up my life and have it revolve around whims, I’ll have a child…least I’d get a tax credit for it.

19 05 2008
Natalie

There was a girl in one of my classes senior year–Lindsay, you might remember her–who brought her small dog “Bambi” with her to class every week in her purse. Surprisingly enough, the only time the dog made noise was on the first day of class but maybe other people who had classes with her on a regular basis weren’t so lucky.

19 05 2008
Lindsay

Yes Natalie, I do remember her and actually didn’t mind her rat-dog. Her carrying it around with her smacked of pretention, yes, but the dog itself was pretty well-behaved (at least in our class).

What I really hate is that people in my office feel it necessary to bring their dogs to work. Anybody experience this?

19 05 2008
Knatural

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA@Lindsay for referencing Troy McClure! Yeah, and in the Caribbean, in general, they don’t keep dogs inside. My inlaws in Trinidad keep all nine hundred seventy-five dogs in the back yard and only half of them have names. It’s hilarious! During my first visit, a puppy peed on my lap and all over the couch. That’s what I get for trying to hold him.

19 05 2008
Funkyblackchick

My coworker has 3 small dogs, and why is she always the one bringing food into the office for everyone..

and why am I always the only one to notice the dog hair!?!?!?!

19 05 2008
shabooty

It seems like whenever a broad is dumped, I always hear about them running out and getting a rug-rat of a puppy. I always have the perverse pleasure of meeting em AFTER they’ve got their new pups and then they always use the damn dog as an excuse to cock-block …”ohh I have to run home and take him out” or the worst is a) he’s not potty-trained b) i’ll come over your place -if I can bring him c) unt.

$

19 05 2008
Lolo

Don’t eat the dog, you’ll die from either salmonella or e coli!
I’ve had dogs my entire life and love them, but most people have zero clue on how to raise and train them. Just like with children, gah. They are NOT people in furry suits, they are poop eating, ass sniffing, territorial, pack animals looking to establish dominance.

I have a tiny little white dog named Mister Charlie and the kids have another tiny one at their dad’s named Miss Daisy. What? My daughter named Daisy and I named Mister Charlie but that’s because my kids wouldn’t let me name him Gogii (korean for “meat”) so I went with choice numbah two. Yes, they do get dressed up for special occasions. Yes, my children are as sick as me.

Also, I always found that if I treated my boyfriends like they were dogs (good dog, reward. bad dog, kicked and banished) life worked out much nicer for both of us.

19 05 2008
Dustin

Hahahaha.

Before I got my chiweenie (half chihuahua/half dachshund) I felt this way too. Now I’m on the fence. Drake doesn’t kiss me on the mouth (but the nose or ear is okay) and he does have free reign of the house. He’s on the couch right now watching “Hannah Montana.” (I’m not kidding. He loves “Hannah Montana” and “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.”) He actually loves all of Disney and moped around for weeks circa 4:00 pm when “That’s So Raven” went off the air.

Also, he LOVES his travel bag. So it’s not my fault if he wants to be carried around everywhere. When I head towards the door, he violently jumps in his bag and looks at me as if to say “please take me with you.” Sometimes he gets in his bag just to chill and watch the Disney channel.

I have also wondered, though, why Western cultures don’t eat dogs. But Drake is so adorable and smart that you wouldn’t want to eat him.

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

“I have a tiny little white dog named Mister Charlie and the kids have another tiny one at their dad’s named Miss Daisy”

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH! I thought only Black people called White men “Mr. Charlie”! AAAAAAAAAHHAHAHHAHAHA!

I like teacup yorkies, but that is all. My dad tells people when he sees their small dogs “Oh, nice. Look at him, good for stew!”

19 05 2008
Knatural

Dustin – Drake is gay.

19 05 2008
Alderman Fred C. Davis, tha Champ

Hate isn’t a strong enough word to describe my feelings of supreme antipathy and disgust towards dogs. What really sucks is when someone invited into their house but doesn’t tell you about teh rabid cur wating to assail, punk, and/or dominate you. I be like “muthasucka, why come you didn’t warn me?!?!!?!?!!?!”

19 05 2008
Dustin

Drake is so gay. Once, a terrier tackled him and had Drake on his back with his paw on Drake’s chest (human-style). His red-rocket was out and aimed for Drake’s tail-area.

I ran and saved Drake just in time. His ass was just chilling, on his back. Damn that. If he has to be gay, he’s at least going to be a top.

19 05 2008
Dustin

But I’m not a homophobe!

19 05 2008
Cheekie

LMAO @ the dog screaming, “HELP MEEEEEEEE!”. I think the other reason she’s screaming is because of that damn barrette screwed on her hair so tight, it’s giving her a damn face lift.

Is that a Jack Russell humping that anonymous leg? That’s hilarious because my cousin’s FEMALE horny ass Jack Russell does the same thing. And mostly to me. What does my leg smell like Kibbles and Bits bacon or some shit? She’s nice and all, but honey, I don’t swing that way. I don’t swing THAT way, either.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

LOl this was funny I know dog owners like this especially the white ones…I own my own dog sitting service and white ppl will pay top dollar for some one to watch their “babies” while their at work or on vaction. Its hilarious what ppl spend on thier pets.

I have a dog no she’s not a pitbull they are illegal in PG anyways but My Princess is a Rotti Domberman mix.. you would think was huge but she’s not she’s medium size just turned 1 yrs old a few weeks ago so she is basically donw growning thank god! I didnt name her Princess her previous owners did and I can tell they were white because her full name is Princess Ann WTF!! so we changed it to Princess Pickle because I love pickles hahah.. anywho but I dont tell every person I see without a dog to tell em to get one.. Dogs aint for everyone. I think when ppl compare dogs to children they mean the time and care it takes and the cost or whatever, even though kids are totally diff. That shit creeps me out when ppl say that shit. But I love animals period. I use to have a cat named Socks and she was great until she started shittin on the floor and wipe her ass on the floor my mom gave her the boot haha.

As for staying out late and vactions.. We stay out late whenever…because our dog knows better not to pee in the house or she gonan get her ass whooped! ahhaha naw but she can usally hold her bladder and what not for a good 8 hrs or whatever and if we went on vaca she can stay with my parents”her grandparents as my mom says” My mom got issues thought she wanted to give Princess a Birhtday party.. Im like WTF what her cake gonna be a steak? ahha

19 05 2008
stuffgirlslike

I am a bit late to post a comment but I can see the first two people to comment need attention, not that sort of attention but medical one.

Yes chris you never said a thing about the worst dog owners the Michael Vick dog fighting messes. Those sort of owners deserve all the hate

You are right in Korea dogs are on the menu, Just imagine”let us eat dog.”

http://stuffgirlslike.wordpress.com

19 05 2008
naapali

“Dog owners are implicitly spitting on the Bible. By owning a dog and not eating it, you are basically saying “I am better than Jesus.””

– loved the line, love the post, will be back!

19 05 2008
Dustin

Mrs. Epps,

I gave Drake a b’day party with a carob cake. There were door prizes and contests for various tricks too.

I agree on the bladder-holding. It’s easy to go out and stay out late, but last minute vacations are different. My mom doesn’t mind watching her “granddog” but she’s in a different city.

19 05 2008
Merri Lee

*choking on my coffee* Great, now i have to explain why I need ANOTHER new keyboard. This blog is going to get me fired.

You forgot the ultimate though Chris – WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THEIR MUTTS ARE EXEMPT FROM THE LEASH LAW??

Fun story, I was out running with my iPod on, and didn’t hear some unleashed yip-yip dog coming up behind me. When I felt something on the back of my ankle, my first instinct was to shake it off – into the path of an oncoming truck. The dog wasn’t hurt (it landed between the wheels and it was a high-riding truck), but the owner, HOLDING the f@cking leash, gets mad at ME! Clearly I kicked the wrong bitch into traffic.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

A carob cake cool… Have you ever been to Petco’s Doggie Bar witrh the cookies n shit..like foreal those cookies smell like they shoule be sold in the food market..so one day we got some for our dog and me and my man tried some ourselves and them joints taste like real freakin cookies!!! I was like damn…Like our dog is kinda spoiled… she eats basically everything we eat plus her dog food..Like she’ll eat crabs, shrimp, fish, pork chops, chicken nuggets, hamburger, noodles,hot dogs, eggs, salad hahaha even fruit. When we went to my parents house my mom gave her a whole sausage to herself.

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Dustin, tell one more dog story and I am blowing your brains out with one of these: http://www.kittyhell.com/2007/12/28/hello-kitty-ar-15-military-style-rifle/

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Merri Lee-*choking on my coffee* Great, now i have to explain why I need ANOTHER new keyboard. This blog is going to get me fired.

You forgot the ultimate though Chris – WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THAT THEIR MUTTS ARE EXEMPT FROM THE LEASH LAW??

HELLL YEAA!! I’ll be walking my dog and these ppl have their doberman’s and mean looking Rotties off the fucking leash… just a few weeks ago one of those damn dogs came runnign towards us i wa sliek OHH FUCK NAW was gonna get my Jet Li ready for that damn dog but luckliy for him he just wanted to play with Princess!

Keep you dogs on leashes ppl… I mean i wont put one on my dog if we are int eh back yard playin(we have a an unfenced yard) but our dog wont go up to strangers walking by she will look but wont go over there unless one of us do.

19 05 2008
Deviant

My favorite post ever. Cat owners should be included in this too. I have a roommate that calls her cat Doodles. She puts sweaters on it and mittens and treats it like a damn child. Every time I see it i feel like its screaming “help me!” I wonder why she has no men?

19 05 2008
Dustin

Drake doesn’t eat people food, but he tries.

I love Petco’s cookie bar, Mrs. Epps. Some of those cookies ARE the ones we eat. Those brown and white ones are the exact same kind you can find in the grocery store for people.

I agree that the dogs should be leashed. An unleahshed Pit tried to play rough with Drake and he got crunk. I was so proud because I thought he was a punk until that day. He scared the pit (four times his size) away.

People should also pick up after their dogs. If your big-ass dog takes a human-sized dump, you should pick it up. There are all kinds of bags and pooper-scoopers for that. They are not expensive. I hate walking through mine fields of sh*t to pick up after mine.

No matter how ridiculous dog owners are, anyone who purchases a Hello Kitty machine gun is worse. Good times, ST. Good times.

19 05 2008
Deviant

fuck dogs and fuck cats. That is all
I’m a fish owner. The only thing I say about my fish (tiger oscar) is do not stick your hand in the tank because he will try to remove it from you. I don’t talk to him or play with him. He minds his buisness and I mind mine.

19 05 2008
sarah

i hate that DC is becoming a dog town. they are turning all of the parks into dog parks, so you cant sit and read without stepping in crap. i hate it! i think WP own dogs as a test to whether or not they want kids. first they get a plant, then a dog and/or cat and if they can keep them alive, then they have kids. i see all the yuppie couples walking their squirrels on leashes, the woman looking oh so happy and her boyfriend looking for a way out of the relationship and walking a tiny rodent on a leash in order to maintain his manhood.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Dustin I love you omg! YES the brown and white ones! those lil pretzel shaped ones have oat in em I love those so does Princess hahaha and gooodddammmmmit!! yes when will ppl learn to pick up after thier dogs! I swear every where I walk in our neighborhood their is this steaming pile of fresh shit that looks like some mother fucker dropped his pants and did the doo right there! It could have been anyone of these ppls dogs..because every other person has a freaking dog and most are medium to large dogs and an occasional really small dog. But shit small dogs poop a good amount too ahahha I was sitting a dashud this weekend that little fucker is not only the loudest dog out of all the dogs we sit but he can take a mean shit hahahahah I so happy that they have those doggie bags post all over the neighborhood…I really want to get one of those little dog bag holders you attached to the leash.

As for other dogs bullying my doggie hell naw. Like Princess isnt a barker which is awesome because i hate those loud barking for no damn reason dogs but she stand her ground and will fuck up anyone one or ant dog that will try and hurt me, my man or her. My last dog Kane(doberman) hate black dudes that would try n holla when i was walking him…he would growl and bark at them liek he was syaing ” motha fucka say one more thing to my mommy and im fuck you up” ahhaha

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

lol@ Tiger Oscar..what you got a Parana(how ever its spelled)

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

squirrels on leashs i thought i was the only one who witnessed that shit..thats just to much! and those farret things creepy lil buggers…

19 05 2008
puff

@ shabooty – boy, stop – c)unt? lmao

yeah i can’t mess with those damn rat-dog creatures. in new york, i see women walking dogs that would lose a fight with a city rat… it’s just not fair to the dog to buy it and expose it to that kind of danger, what kind of sick people would do that? and the dogs look so mad at the world too, walking all slowly and shit like their pencil-sized legs are gonna snap if they pound one more block of pavement and flinching every time a toddler goes by cos they realise they’re lower down the foodchain…

fuck that shit, i’m getting a tiger

19 05 2008
Monie

The thing I hate most about dog owners is when they say…”Don’t worry, he doesn’t bite.”…..Meanwhile the dog is barking and baring his teeth while the dog owner struggles to hold him back.

19 05 2008
Shine

I want a ferret. And I will put him on a leash and pretend I have a dog somedays. I’m not picking up his shit. See this is why I want a country house for my pets. Then they can all live under the porch and hunt down their own food and eat whatever leftover slops and bones I have and I’ll see them every coupla days or so. Just like God intended.

19 05 2008
Shine

Worst rat dog. Miniature greyhounds. Neighbor had one once. Couldn’t even walk the damn thing. Her husband of rotund frame would take it out front on its leash and all it did was run laps around him. It used to get terrorized by their parakeet. Stupid dog.

I named my fish Trinidad (, Felix but I don’t believe in pets having surnames or salutations so just trinidad. Not Prof. Rev. Mr. Felix K. Trinidad, esq)

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Monie- Shit I dont fuck with dogs like that. I dare a dog bite me and break skin Its on! And ppl crack me up when they say that shit “oh he wont bite you he’s just excited” Naw hommie that dog gonna bite me if you let go…Like my dog she likes to nibble but its not hard were you would say ouch and it hurts..But she gets way to excited when we have company let alone come home from work…she will jump up on you and start running around the house like a mad person..you would think she would have broke something but she hasnt “yet”.

I wanted a white tiger before but then I was like hmmm what am i gonna do when that joint get big and wants to mawl my face off no thanks but I get the next best thing… Savanah cat

its an African Serval wild cat mixed with a domestic cat..

19 05 2008
Jamerican Muslimah

LOL. What about the dog owners who treat their pets like children? (And if you say you’re not a fan of dogs then it’s like telling someone you don’t like their children). I’ve actually seen people at the playground with their dogs, pushing them down the slides. And now they have health insurance for pets? WTH? How many Americans- human beings- can’t afford health insurance? This foolishness has got to stop!

19 05 2008
Mrs. Kennedy

Wow. I stopped reading after Dustin’s “chiweenie” LMFAO . . .
While an avid dog and cat lover and owner (I limit my love to cats and dogs only. I FUCKING HATE BIRDS and any other non cat/dog animal) i can agree that people who treat their dogs like or better than children should be maimed by dingos (see what happens when you let dogs go unchecked? They eat your fucking babies.) And you can bet that the children of these people are menaces to society as well (Read – those little shits on the train).

My dog (full grown) is smaller than my cat, doesn’t bark, doesn’t bite, doesn’t shed, is housebroken and while she doesn’t hump people, she will go to town on my poor cat, but she wouldn’t make much of a meal.

Maybe you just need to find that one good dog . . .

19 05 2008
Breez

I must agree with Esquire. Whenever I talk about my kids and some douche interjects with an inane story about their stupid pet, I want to do a hat dance on their larynx.

Your going to the store and picking out a dog and a stupid ass shirt to put on it (wtf is that about) does not compare to my fifteen hours of labor. NOT EVER.

19 05 2008
Sylph

They have pet insurance? And just exactly how much is the pet worth when it kicks it? It should be enough to cover the amount spent on their food. Have you noticed how expensive pet food is? I could buy a purse and two pairs of shoes for one month’s worth of feeding Kibbles.

About two weeks ago, there was a lady driving in the city with her dog on her lap. I had to do a double take cause I saw this brown furry thing sitting on her lap and she was stroking it. Her attention was mostly focused on assuring her pet was okay while she handles machinery. She’s looking down at her dog instead of the road. So essentially, if she hits me crossing the street, it’s because Precious is probably having problems with therapy.

Yes, they have animal therapists just like they have drugs for your pet to be “happy” like their owners. Can you imagine what a session must be like?

“Woof”
“Your dog hates you”

Instant $200.

I blame Oprah.

19 05 2008
Lolo

@ST
Yah, I had a not so typical childhood, I guess and “Mister Charlie” was the word for “those people”. It’s something to watch how different folks respond to his name. I would get me one of those little rat dogs and name it Hillary now but I would be too tempted to kick it on a daily basis.

19 05 2008
Knatural

Since I know this conversation will eventually turn to sex *sigh* — who here has ever been ‘watched’ by a dog?
Also, I just went to the facebook group and Shabooty looks like Shia LeBeouf.

19 05 2008
Yonnie3k

Yeah, I love Oprah, but she’s trippin’. She’s had rape victims, holocaust survivors, kidnapped kids, battered women, everything on her show. Yet, I’ve never seen her cry more than the time that they did this montage of photos and film of her and her dog Sophie that recently passed away. She had to take an impromptu commercial break to “get herself together.” Wow.

19 05 2008
Bailey Blues

This post was hilarious! I hate dog owners who dress their pets up and name them shit like Muffin.

One day I was at the nail shop getting a mani, pedi. Well, I got my pedicure first then was sitting at the first station by the door getting my manicure. In walks this white lady with a tiny, rat dog on a leash. As soon as the dog walked it that little bitch went straight for my freshly polished toes, just licking a way. I don’t like dogs. I was grossed out. I told her to get her dog and she acted like it was no big deal. I was pissed….

19 05 2008
Esquire

@Stuffgirlslike:
I am a bit late to post a comment but I can see the first two people to comment need attention, not that sort of attention but medical one.

Why do I need medical attention?

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

those damn white ladies dying their damn dogs pink or purple make me fucking sick, esp the ones that get their nails french manicured. Like WTF??!!!

19 05 2008
Cup o' cafe au lait

Just when I thought Oprah was getting more bearable, she had to go and do a show dedicated to her damn cocker spaniel… The points she earned for “endorsing” Barack have been negated as far as I’m concerned!

19 05 2008
Seraph

ha ha. i still love mai dog though. i’d never convince anyone to get one who didn’t want one, just like i wish that people would stop trying to convince me to get a kid…ya know like from the jcpenney catalog, because its that easy. i love mai dog, but i wouldn’t ask anyone else to, and since i love him, i don’t subject him to purse torture etc.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Knat- ahahha whatched by a dog.. girlllllllllll our dog will be on the bed chillin sometimes and we try and kick her out all the time but she will just come back. and it would be too funny cuz when we will be in the middle of it she would wanna come closer to us and lick one of us ahahahahha too funny!..BUt she doesnt seem to be botheres by it, but it is creepy when you just happend to look that way and she is staring right at you hahhahaha

shabooty looks like Shia.. mmmmm i love that white boy…

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

damn Knat he sure does look like Shia

19 05 2008
Lolo

::sniff:: I like dressing Mister Charlie up like a fool, it makes us laugh. We have a wig that we got from Build A Bear for him and we also dress him up as Charlie Claus at xmas time. No nail polish but dye sounds like it could be on the list.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

ahhaha @ Lolo..I put Bunny ears on Princess on Easter… and then on 420 which I dont celebrate anymore sigh.. I put on my weed green Bob Marley and Lion Head Shirt on her. She looked fly!

19 05 2008
Knatural

unless that IS a photo of Shia LeBeouf…
I saw that episode in which Oprah was emotional over her Cocker Spaniel. She had the dog for over 12 yrs, she was a part of the family, of course she was upset. Oprah just may have compassion than the average person for dogs. I have to admit, when I see those ASPCA commercials – where they’re playing sad music and showing a bunch of one-eyed strays – I get a little verklempt.
Mrs.Epps – I dated a guy who had three long-haired dachsunds (wiener dog). Dachsunds in groups are extremely playful and noisy, but that one time they watched us you could hear a pin drop {aside from the moaning}.

19 05 2008
anon

stupid fools

19 05 2008
Lindsay

Yay for facebook-wordpress integration 😀

I joined the group…guess which person I am.

So… no one else’s coworkers bring their dogs to work?

19 05 2008
Lindsay

Oh, and on the topic of the Oprah-as-dog-owner,

The worst part of that episode was the crucial misleading commercials beforehand.

She said something like “Stedman and I have a daughter” *insert music sting*

So, my friends and I were all pressed to watch it, got out of class, ran to the dorm, only to find out it was about her damn dog.

We. Were. Heated.

Especially me.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

LOL Knat..I have a regualr client every weekend and she has a Dashund and a Cocker Spaniel Mix and yes the Dashund is a damn noise maker omgggg but he love lovessss sleeping next to me liek he’s a damn newborn under the covers and stuff…but its hilarious when they come over becuase Princess is like 4 x his size and bullies the shit outta him she will stand over him and then push/lean on him when they walk together..he fucking hates he snaps at her all the time and barks at her which i dont blame him because she stays up in his face 24/7 tryna pick him up at the neck liek that was her baby…She thinks that her boyfriend ahahha

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Lindsay-So… no one else’s coworkers bring their dogs to work?

girl…tell me why my man wanted tot ake our dog to work with him hahahahaha im liek hell naw so she can terrorize your co-workers! But I had this one lady that would bring her dog to our job all the time like it was bring your child to work day or something im like get that dirty ass mutt outta here and to top it off it always seemed to have some kinda cold it would be snotting and sneezing all over the place ew..

19 05 2008
Yonnie3k

Wait! Is there a stuffblackpeoplehate group on Facebook?

19 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Wait! Is there a stuffblackpeoplehate group on Facebook?”

There is…sorta. I started to create it a few weeks back and got distracted by something else, so I never really had a chance to do anything to it.

I was surprised to learn it was actually publicly available, so it’s gonna be pretty half-ass until I get a chance to finish it up.

19 05 2008
Knatural

I hate facebook… Why don’t people (women) put they’re full birthdate, year included? Do you really think you’re ‘fooling’ me, especially when I know the year you graduated. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Personal preference I guess.
Dachsunds are THE most annoying creatures ever. They’re maybe 10 within a three-block radius of home* and a few neighbors own two; they always bark at me, they’re scary to be so small and cylindrical. I hate ’em.

*I live right at the end of Capitol Hill (DC) and EVERYBODY has a dog, or two. Luckily, they all clean the poop.

19 05 2008
Knatural

they’re their there – pick one

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

LOl Knat I believe its There are right? I try to pay attention in English

19 05 2008
Dustin

Um, I love Dachshunds. Drake is half. He doesn’t bark, bite shed or smell.

He has tried to “watch” but he got caged up with a quickness. As a matter of fact, that’s the only time he’s ever in his cage. He’s quite inquisitive that way. Also, when I’m in the shower.

I have brought him to work before, but that was only because I was going out of town and he was done being groomed early. He also attended my friend’s law school graduation and I (almost) made him wear the same mini graduation cap he wore when he graduated from Advanced Puppy Class (he was valedictorian – really). He was there, because I drove in from a different city and didn’t have time to go to her house first. My mom almost took him to my law school graduation, but he stayed home (see, we’re not that bad).

I also have insurance on him, but that’s only because it’s $18 a month and almost every vet visit is free. For instance I took him last week and paid $0, but w/o the insurance it would have been $160.

You’re right. When it’s all listed like this, it does sound ridiculous. Especially sicne I grew up in the hood where mutts named “Rambo” and “Mufasa” roamed the streets, eating scraps and fending for themselves.

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Knat- I made my birth year say 1990 for some odd reason and now it won’t let me change it. So, I have the year hidden. I mean people mistake me for 18 all the time (no, really! Really!), but I don’t want my birthday on there wrong.

I’m in the FB group! Friend me! I am so bored today, please do something to entertain me…

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Chris- why do you call yourself a mullato? Do you have a White parent?

19 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

No white parent. I just think it sounds funny.

19 05 2008

I don’t know why but I have always wanted a cocker spaniel and a german shepard, however I don’t want to clean up the shit.
Looks like I wont be getting any dogs.

19 05 2008
Knatural

Dustin – in the hood dogs are named “Killa”. Hope I didn’t bash little Drake too much; the Dachsunds in my neighborhood are annoying, still cute though. And I don’t mind dressed dogs. There are two Basenjis (short-haired, barkless dog) near me that wear sweaters during winter. When I had a dog I tried to dress him, he wasn’t having it. He wasn’t gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

LOL! I like that word too. Quadroon is even better. Are your parents both mixed? Who’s got the Native tounge of the two?

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Shooot Princess has doggie insurance as well because its cheaper in the long run espcially if she got sick or something like that or like common stuff when she got a huge gash on her front paw running around in tall grass outside and had to get bandaged up, that stupid ass cone on her head from licking it and put on antibiotics. But I understand were ppl are coming from when they say 1/2 the ppl in the US dont even have health insurance, I use to be one of them. As I dont want to sick I dont want my dog getting sick either.

I took my dog to my Grandma’s 74th Birthday party and everyone loved her, my grandma put a party hat on her and gave her some wings and vanilla cake and ice cream since chocolate is toxic to dogs..

But as far as Im concerend my doggie is my temp baby hahah

And I dunno how told ppl that dont have dog that they have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to walk them..cuz that aint true..when you get dogs use to your own schedule then shit should be fine..so if u gotta work at 6 am then i guess u will be up walking their ass but if u dont have to be to work until 10:30 then sleep in…me and my man work the same hrs..10-6 so we walk her round 9-9:30. The days that I telecommute she gets walked later…like today she aint get walked til 11 ahahah

19 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

They’re both mixed. Dad’s listed at 3/4 NA 1/4 Black, Mom is somewhere between 1/4 and 3/4 NA and 3/4 and 1/4 Black, respectively. Mom’s probably closer to 1/4 – but no one knows the exact number.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

my dad laughed in my face when i told him that when winter came i was goign to put a sweater on Princess because I thought she would get cold…hahah he was like girl dogs have fur thats their sweater..in the winter dogs have thicker coats to keep them warm and then come spring they shed that coat so when it gets hot they are cooler…I have had all types of dogs in my life from poodles, german shepards, rotties, huskies, dobermans, begals, yorkies ect.

19 05 2008
Muse

Considering that I was chased home everyday by a pitbull when I was in middle school and the only dog I ever loved (a golden retriever) was poisoned by some sicko, I’m not the biggest fan of dogs. One of my good friends has the cutest Chihuahua but the thought of owning a dog doesn’t appeal to me. Besides dogs are really expensive and I would rather take the money and spend it on myself or donate it to a HUMAN BEING in need. I also find it utterly ridiculous when people buy cloths for animals. For real? It seems like every broad in LA has a little bitch dog wearing a dress inside of her Gucci purse. Kill me now…

BTW facebook is the devil LOL.

Oh and did I mention that i developed allergies to dogs and cats when I was 15. So yeah pets are out of the question. If I want something to take care of, I’ll get knocked up.

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Interesting, Chris. Where did they meet?

(Sorry, all this dog talk is boring the fuck out of me. Lets talk about something else. Anything else….well, not breasts….we’ve kinda overkilled that subject. If we have to talk about dogs, I am going to start discussing my conspiracy theory on why Black people dogfight.)

19 05 2008
Anmarie

I was almost eaten by a dog. My dad loved dogs, I was chasing a baby chick around the back of house and one of his dang dog ran up on me a took a chunk out of my leg. Damn dogs. Then about a year later one of his cats tried to bite out my voice box, just because my cousin and I kept picking him up by the tail. Damn cats.

Problem with dogs are they require to much attention… Cats on the other hand are more independant, but conceited they act like they pay rent, to live in your home and have their meals prepared.

19 05 2008
Dustin

No. I want more dog stuff. Well, I’ll say this, ST. Then can Chris give Part 2 of the Blowjob Tutorial?

Knat, Drake and I are not offended. Most dogs are annoying. Also, Drake doesn’t really feel the clothes-wearing since he has fur and it’s Texas. He has sweaters that were gifts from other people but he doesn’t wear them. He also has a Longhorns jersey made for dogs. Hook ‘Em!

He did wear devil horns and a red necktie at Halloween. He was George W. Bush.

Okay. On to BJ’s.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Im sorry Anmarie but bwhahahahhaha!!!!!! you picked up the cat by its tail..what you think was gonna happen? Thats like picking up a person by their neck. I dunno why that dog did that to you..abuse maybe? Dogs dont get mean on their own, it has to do with what the owner is doign to the dog, like starvign it, leaving it outside for long periods of time, beating it ect.

damn them niggas that dogfight that shit is fucked up…Us as black people need some new hobbies hahah

19 05 2008
Muse

According to my gay male friends he informed me that a woman should do the following to give a good BJ…

1. Initiate. You’re already “a head” of the game if you make the first move. Don’t always wait for him to ask, or worse, try to push your head down there. (In fact, if he does that, slap his hand away and firmly inform him your ears are not a steering wheel.)

2. Start slowly. Don’t act like you’ve been starving on a desert island for weeks and a big juicy sausage suddenly washes ashore. (Did you catch that scene in Cast Away?) Lick the glans (head), lick the frenulum (the strip of skin beneath the glans on the underside), lick the testes (balls), lick the inner thighs (inner thighs). Take your time, breathe and be a tease. If you’re dealing with a soft penis this is a good place to start. You don’t always have to wait until the penis is erect to put it in your mouth. You can put the entire penis in your mouth, while kissing it, licking it and/or sucking it. You can feel the penis begin to grow while it is in your mouth. You don’t have to start going up and down on the penis with your mouth until the penis is at least partially erect. Then once it is erect slide your lips gently over your teeth and then onto the penis. This allows barely any friction on the penis allowing a good blow job.

4. Your kisser. Some people prefer lips tight over the teeth, others like lips looser and softer against the shaft. Either way, no need to become a high-powered vacuum cleaner. Your sucking function should be on “off,” “low” or “medium.” And don’t forget to make the most of your tongue!

3. Saliva. And lots of it. Don’t be afraid to get wet and messy — it’s more fun for everyone that way, not to mention easier. [Bear says: eiiiwwww. Slippery is good, sloppy is not. Unless you make it part of the fun ]

4. Hands. It’s not cheating to give yourself a helping hand or two. There’s no need to deep throat all the time — if at all — if you use your hand as an extension of your mouth. If you want to get tricky, follow the motion of your mouth with your hand upwards and when you get to the top, slide your index finger over one side and then go back down (so his ding-dong is between your index and middle fingers) with your mouth immediately following. Repeat as necessary. For even more advanced play, try twisting both your hand and head as you go up and down — we’re not talking Indian burns here, just a gentle shifting from left to right on the way down, and then back again on the way up.

5. Bonuses. During the BJ, try tickling his balls, gently pushing on the perineum (the area between the balls and the anus, a.k.a. the “taint”), inserting a finger — sans long fingernail — up his bum a bit, or even rubbing his tummy. We think you’ll get real bonus points if you can occasionally make eye contact (although, according to one editor here, “that’s creepy!”). So just go with the flow.

6. Step on the gas. Gradually speed up until you’ve reached a comfortable rhythm that both you and he like. At this point, it’s okay to treat him like that desert island sausage. When all verbal and physical signs from him suggest that the cliff’s edge is fast approaching, don’t slow down and don’t make any drastic changes in motion. Keep going, you’re doing great, and soon you’ll get to . . .

7. The Big O. The grand finale is completely up to you. Whether you spit, swallow or finish him off with your hand, it’s still a blow job. If you opt for a re-enactment of Old Faithful, just be sure to have him warn you just before he’s gonna blow. In fact, even if you plan on getting a protein blast, it’s still nice to know when it’s about to be served.

8. Stop. Once he comes, slow it down and/or stop — in our experience, it hurts if you don’t (though some readers have said that post-O play is the best part).

And here are some different techniques..

Mouth and tongue blow job technique. Mouth and tongue blow job technique. Try licking the head of the penis, and then use your tongue to lick up and down the sides of the penis. This will make the blow job easier by making the erection wet enough to slide the penis into your mouth easily. Don’t forget to cover your teeth with your lips, and slide the head of the penis into your mouth. Once you’ve done this use your tongue to lick the sensitive areas underneath the ridge of the head and the penis.

Mouth and hands blow job technique. Using the hands while giving a blow job can be very useful by adding a variety of oral sex techniques .

Hand and blow job technique #1 . Place one hand at the base by grabbing (not too hard) the penis which will help keep the penis erect and in position. It can also keep the foreskin of an uncircumcised man out of the way.

Hand and blow job technique #2 . While grabbing the penis at the base place your mouth on the penis and follow the movement of your mouth up with your hands. Also by alternating mouth strokes and hand strokes it can become sort of a hand job and a blow job. This technique is great for those who gag easily because the hand will regulate how much of the penis will be in your mouth.

Hand and blow job technique #3. Playing with his balls is a technique that can be very enjoyable. Be very careful when playing with his balls, try to be very gentle. You can even play with the balls in your mouth instead of just licking or stroking.

Hand and blow job technique #4 . Don’t limit yourself the hands can be very useful outside. Use your hands to explore the male sexual anatomy. Use your hands to explore his thighs, stomach, balls, ass, perineum or any other place that will stimulate him.

Deep throat blow job technique. This is not an easy blow job technique which requires you to take the entire penis into the mouth. The key to learning how to deep throat is to relax the jaw and the throat muscles to stop the gag reflex.

(BTW this was saved on a word file my gay friend sent to me. He wrote this up. I died when I received it. Um his advice is solid. Enjoy ladies…and guys who suck cock)

19 05 2008
Muse

LMAO!!!!!!!!!

Wow um sorry about the out of order numbering.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

damn i need to stop typing fast…doign=doing, starvign=starving :-)..

so liek yea off topic but i watched some good ass porn this past weekend after a long day of breaking our necks to watch Jets fly in formation in the sky on saturday at the AAFB air show. I got my tan on and drank my 4 fucking dollar beers aboutn to pass out because my feet were beyond killing me.. next time we are bring the damn law chairs.. not only was i pissed at the the long ass lines just to go through security just to get on the damn shuttle buses tot he base but then the long ass fucking lines to get a damn brewski..

19 05 2008
Knatural

wow Muse, aren’t you at work today?

19 05 2008
AC

I have a friend who would always play around with dudes when they went out on their first date. They would always ask her “so do you have any kids?” and she’d answer “yes, I have one son” and whip out a picture of her blond-haired Cocker Spaniel. She thought it was cute but I guess the other dudes didn’t because there wasn’t usually a follow up date afterwards.

I have two cats myself but I wouldn’t refer to them bad-ass heifers as my daughters, with their snooty little selves. Love ’em to death though!

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Wow@ Muse’s BJ directions…i do number four alot

. Hands. It’s not cheating to give yourself a helping hand or two. There’s no need to deep throat all the time — if at all — if you use your hand as an extension of your mouth. If you want to get tricky, follow the motion of your mouth with your hand upwards and when you get to the top, slide your index finger over one side and then go back down (so his ding-dong is between your index and middle fingers) with your mouth immediately following. Repeat as necessary. For even more advanced play, try twisting both your hand and head as you go up and down — we’re not talking Indian burns here, just a gentle shifting from left to right on the way down, and then back again on the way up.

19 05 2008
Charlee

We’re back, just to piss you off!

19 05 2008
Muse

Hell no. I wouldn’t even type anything that on my work computer. I took today off. I’m doing absolutely nothing but watching Maury, eating carrots, and I have a spa appointment in a few hrs.

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Muse- Finally, something important! LOL. I need to print this out and pour over it at home. I think I am good, but I want to be GREAT.

19 05 2008
Muse

I must say that I only give blog jobs to very special guys. You can’t throw around the goodies to any ole due walking around. LOL

19 05 2008
Muse

Erm….i mean blow..not blog. Jesus…

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

hahah yea Muse…Im telecommuting today and Im just slackin off like shit watching old Buffy episodes and eating salad and on facebook. And dammit mannn i just found out Shabooty is white as hell hahaha…I thought he was a niggaw this whole time and I just realized how much I hate myspace and wish Tom would kill himself in the old ass 1998 99 cent store pic ahha I need a nap and less green tea

19 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“…i just found out Shabooty is white as hell hahaha…I thought he was a niggaw”

Shabooty is not white, he is a Sand Coon.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Ahhhh a sand coon, that was my next guess if he said he wasnt white..sweet that means he still a niggaw in my book ahah he’s just lightskinned um or high high yella..

19 05 2008
Knatural

yeah, just because Shabooty is Shia LeBeouf’s twin, doesn’t mean he’s white. Maybe he’s Creole.

19 05 2008
letinstar

i grew up disliking dogs…back in the day people used to let their vicious dogs roam the neighborhood, plus i’ve seen one too many yt’s and dogs sharing the same plate of food and i’ve never quite gotten over that…that being said, since living in phoenix with my ex gay guy roommate, i’ve grown to love dogs… and by dogs i mean big dogs…such as rottiweilers which is what my roommate had…they stayed off the beds, out of the kitchen and out of my plates which is how it should be…the dogs i cannot tolerate are the little 5 pound rats disguised as dogs…my neighbor had a chihuahua which always waited until i walked past it before it jump out of the bushes and jumped me…on more than one occassion i would like to have punted that rat into another world much like baxter was punted in “anchorman”…i would like to have a dog now, but now i live in the city with no back yard, plus i have no desire to walk a dog when it 3 feet of snow outside…and for the record, dogs are NOT children…

19 05 2008
Anmarie

“Im sorry Anmarie but bwhahahahhaha!!!!!! you picked up the cat by its tail..what you think was gonna happen?”

LOL, indeed, Mrs Epps. I was 7 or 8 hardly an excuse

Muse, thug muffin likey that advice, 😉

19 05 2008
shabooty

i dunno what i am, but any of my potential dates are always game to be man-mustard white at the end of the night.
(man-mayo in romantic candle light = man-mustard).

19 05 2008
Merri Lee

Hi Charlee – any chance on getting those broken links back? (topics = conferences, etc.)

19 05 2008
letinstar

@muse…my gay friend never gave the specifics quite like this…; )

cheers!

19 05 2008
Muse

My gay friend is looking out for my best interest.

He thinks women who can’t suck dick should have their vaginas cut off and mouths stapled shut.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

yeah, just because Shabooty is Shia LeBeouf’s twin, doesn’t mean he’s white. Maybe he’s Creole.

hhahahaha yea maybe…Shia is a sexy ass white boy so i guess that means Shabooty is too? umm hmmp

man mustard…i swear the shit that comes out his mouth…like who comes up with that stuff hahah

And damn Anmaire you were 7 or 8 that sucks ass…i was thinking you were like 12 maybe hahah..yea cats are fucking vicious! My dad’s cat Mojo who looks like a mini-panther a Bombay

he is mean like shit.. like i swear giving him a bath was like watching the special olympics. He would seriosuly growl like he was a full grown DOG and hes a damn cat! I never fucked with him after I saw him slice open my dad’s wrist when he was giving him a bath one day and my dad had the nerve to ask me to help him wash him FUCK U AND THAT CAT!

19 05 2008
the elahater

other reasons to hate dog owners:

1) they never pick up their dog’s shit when walking their dogs around adams morgan
2) a new dog park every week. how about a park for children? like, human ones, not pet-ones?

Hate On Me

19 05 2008
Dustin

Shia is barely legal, y’all. Be careful.

Did anyone ever watch him in the Disney Channel Original Series “Even Stevens?” Drake got me hooked on Disney.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Shia is liek the same age as me so we cool hahaha yea i use to watch that show too..But I didnt get hooked to Disney because of my dog.. ahahah but because of a human child 🙂

19 05 2008
Sylph

shabooty confuddles and amuses the hell out of me. If you’re a fan of “Purple Rain” then I’m obligated to molest you. Sadly.

Muse: thank you. This has been saved and forwarded along.

19 05 2008
Knatural

Shia’s 21 {but I still wouldn’t go there}. And don’t blame your gay dog for loving the Disney Channel, Dustin!
Regarding Muse’s Manual: Yes to number 7. No surprises please. Unlike women, guys ALWAYS know when their climax is approaching. There is absolutely no excuse for not giving warning, especially if you’re not in the mood for baby-batter.

19 05 2008
NotBlonde

I love my dog, Batman. he’s a little mutt and we never take him off of his leash because he’s like a little gangsta. Well, he acts like one. Until you give him any kind of food item and then he loves you forever.

My mom treats him like a kid because she doesn’t have any of her daughters at home anymore. He sleeps in bed with her with his own pillow and blanket, he hangs out outside with her when she’s watering or clipping the plants and he goes in the car with her everywhere.

I love dogs and any kind of pet really. We had a menagiere at my house. 2 goldfish, a rat, a guinea pig, and a hamster all at once. We had a cat before that named Velvet and now we’ve got Batman’s crazy ass.

PS I totally watched Even Stevens and thought he was cute. He’s one month younger than me (Sexxxxxay) and I think he is the cats pajamas.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

if you’re a purple rain fan your obligated to molest me? im confused..

19 05 2008
Anmarie

Mrs. Epps I used to work with a woman who’s a total cat lady. 3 Freakin cats. So she’s like come over, come over! lets have a girls night we can eat ice cream. (freakin weird right? I mean fun if I were 13. probably because she’s a cat person) So whatever, being nice I go over to her apartment. i was greeted by not one, not two, but three Cats! gross. She had a lovely apartment but there was cat hair on everything! I was so pissed because i’m like shit i just washed my jeans. Anyway she had this one female cat, acting like Queen Bee. Hissing a Growling, like she was gonna put a foot in my chest. I thought I was in the cat’s apartment having ask permission to take a seat on the couch. I can not understand how animal people let these little creatures take over the human living space.

19 05 2008
NotBlonde

Oh, and I’ve joined the facebook group.

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Uh, that is actually Shia LeBeauf LOL!

Shabooty is better looking that I expected though. I expected….I dunno, someone who looked more capable of mayhem and destruction to womankind. He looks innocouous. DeBargish, even.

I think he IS Creole, and Chris doesn’t want to admit he’s rolling with Beyonce’s folks.

19 05 2008
rai

i have allergies. . . fawk them AND their overpriced pets. . . then again, black braods (and even some dudes) are walkin around with those goddamn half dogs. . . those fawkin little dogs that are half the size and twice the price. companionship??? I prefer my companions to go half on dinner or occasionally give me a ride or give me some head. . . none of which a dog/cat/canary/pirahana can do. . . let it go, u paid $2k for a useless fawkin pet. . . that joint is like a prostitute that u have to feed. no good.

19 05 2008
Anmarie

“I totally watched Even Stevens and thought he was cute. He’s one month younger than me (Sexxxxxay) and I think he is the cats pajamas.”

I thought I was the only Lady R (female R-Kelly), lol I have a kiddy crush on the new superman;Tom Welling who plays Clark Kent in Smallville. Dreamy child. I’m sick.

19 05 2008
rai

damn things can’t protect me. . . all they do is piss on my lap, sleep in my bed, eat up my food, and cock block. . . if I wanted that, I would just have a kid. . . when I was coming up, people had dogs for protection, not because the dating pool was weak. lol

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

ahahahhaha@ Anmaire hell to tha naw.. I would kicked that shit. Liek before my Mom insisted we get rid of dear ol Socks she would act like Queen Bee to but she was real friendly and i swear she was a lesbian cat hahaha she loved females and the way they smelled all over and when i mean all over i mean the croch too! Like say you were sitting on the floor and was calling her and you had your legs open mind you this would be anyone not just me she would run up and just put her face all up between your legs n shit and I would be like UMM No Socks and push her away…she loved the smell of cotter i guess haha but shoot you think three cats is alot! Ha try 5 cats! My man’s aunt in Jersey has 5 fucking cats! like her house would have a cat in every fucking room i swear! they would be all up in the kitchen on the tables n shit im like hell naw i cross the line there no critters on the damn counter tops! I went to this lady’s house with my mom and this lady had 10 CATS!!! she had a nice house too but when you went inside OMG cats everywhere and it smelled like 10 yr old cat piss and shit in that bitch! I wanted to pass out from the smell! cat hair was everywhere even on the damn stove im like ok ppl need to have a limit to how many pets they own foreal!

19 05 2008
NotBlonde

Miss Anmarie: Tom Welling, oh my goodness. I feel bad about liking that kid from High School Musical with the beautiful blue eyes…he was in Hairspray and he’s like, 17 maybe? I’m Mrs. Robinson.

19 05 2008
Machete

Avid dog lover here…

For the most part my (big-and-cuddly-non-pittbull) dog is pretty well behaved and cracks me up about 100 times a day, and that’s how he earns his keep. By making me laugh, he boosts my endorphins, which in turn makes me very happy/feel good… and you can’t put a price on hapiness now can you? It’s like prozac without the side-effects … oh wait, maybe a minor side effect of picking up poop in frigid conditions.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Tom welling is almost in his 30’s…how old are you Anmarie?

19 05 2008
Lindsay

not DeBargish! LMAO

The ultimate in non-threatening men.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Machete me too me too my dog cracks me up all the time! She is a big-time clutz and a fool! Especially when she thinks she can climb trees to catch birds or when she thinks she can skip stairs and bust her face hahaha. She is pretty damn smart too..she can open doors, put a towel over her food when she finishes eating,turns on the tv…she knows when “daddy” is home before he even turns in to our street, she’s a good mop when we drop food on the floor haha

19 05 2008
Dustin

Yeah. Tom Welling is 31. So you’re cool. And he’s so hot.

Zac Effron is 20.

19 05 2008
Machete

Hey Chris,

Off topic question (for you or ‘The Devil’) – If your dad is at least 1/4 black and ‘The Devil’ is your brother (same father), doesn’t that make him at least 1/8th black? So how come he starts off some of his comments as “I am not Black” when a drop is supposed to pretty much paint you so (and he definately looks mixed)?
Or am I missing somefin here.

19 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

I think my brother mentioned in that same post (or one near it) that he is “less than 1/8 black but also less than 1/8 white”.

He does this because he and I get pissed off when people who are 1/64 Indian run around calling themselves ‘Indian’ like they’re Wes Studi or some shit, so he doesn’t want to be a hypocrite. At least that’s my opinion.

19 05 2008
Knatural

HAHAHAHAHA DeBargish. *sings “Rhythm of the Night”
Tom Welling = sexy white boy. Swimmer’s physique always wins. He was the ONLY reason I watched Smallville circa 2003.

19 05 2008
Anmarie

“Miss Anmarie: Tom Welling, oh my goodness. I feel bad about liking that kid from High School Musical with the beautiful blue eyes…he was in Hairspray and he’s like, 17 maybe? I’m Mrs. Robinson.”

OMG! OMG since you admitted that I’m going to tell you the real sick truth. Have you seen Prince Caspian? The cute little white boy running around acting all grown mannish with a sword. LOL! worse part is I kindda liked high school musical, I thought the pale black kid with the curly fro was cute too. girl we gon end up in jail. Don’t turn me in, matter of fact Anmarie’s not even my real name. 😉

“10 CATS!!! she had a nice house too but when you went inside OMG cats everywhere and it smelled like 10 yr old cat piss and shit in that bitch! I wanted to pass out from the smell!”

That’s not right at all, that’s not right, really that’s like a mental disability or something. I don’t understand it. 10 Cats! Nah that’s not right. Kindda like my kiddy crush on Tom Welling.

19 05 2008
Anmarie

Almost in my 30s, you mean I’m not going to jail after all? 😀

19 05 2008
Anmarie

Crap! All this time I thought I was a molester, you mean Tom Welling is older than me, see how the media messes with your mind. Whew!

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

I hate High School Musical, I hate everyone in it, especially Zac Effron. I hate his mother for chosing life , I hate the doctor who didn’t smack him hard enough, I hate his dad for not crashing the car on the way home from the hospital….

19 05 2008
Anmarie

“I hate High School Musical, I hate everyone in it, especially Zac Effron. I hate his mother for chosing life , I hate the doctor who didn’t smack him hard enough, I hate his dad for not crashing the car on the way home from the hospital….”

……. :-(………….:-( even his mom for choosing life……….. 😦

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

ESPECIALLY her.

19 05 2008
Anmarie

HA! HA!

19 05 2008
Dustin

I have “High School Musical” and “High School Musical 2” on my iPod and watch them at the gym. I also have both soundtracks (including the dance mixes to songs from HSM2) on my iPod as well and listen to them while running outdoors.

OMG! Can we note how people who run with their dogs and baby strollers in marathons are obnoxious? This is a freaking marathon, not a Sunday afternoon stroll for you, your large dog, and your aryan litter (I love Chris).

19 05 2008
puff

@ sister toldja

—–dead—– lmao

i’m not feeling zac neither but what in God’s name did he do to you? fooled you into thinking he was really a dude tho he’s so pretty it’s obvious he’s a girl?

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

I liked High School Musical too hahah so sad…and dont hate me but I started watching Hannah Montana recently and got her damn songs stuck in my head.. As for Zach eh he looks liek he wouldnt know what to do with a woman period.. I thought he was gay when i 1st saw it.. personally I like Sharpay the mean rich girl for some reason hahaha as for that lightskinned black boy with the curly fro look like he gets bunned up the ass on a regualr hahah But Tom Welling can get it! My man likes Cloe more than ferret looking Lana.. I know my G4 fans in here you know the guy that co-host attack of the show with Olivia for got his name he can get it too hahaha

19 05 2008
Sister Toldja

I mean, he technically has all the right stuff that should make me like him, considering my fag haggery. But he just grosses me out for some reason. He’s so pretty he’s ugly. And he reminds me of Jared Leto and White Jesus, both of whom make me tres uncomfortable. Plus I HATE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Lol@ ST fag haggery….too funny..and yea he is so pretty he’s ugly to me too all those little 12 yr old girls can have him!

19 05 2008
Angry IV

My dog is tight as hell – Jack Russell Terrier.

And +1 on the guy saying stop getting Pit Bulls. Come on, black folks, pick a different breed. You’re not tough because you have a Pit Bull.

19 05 2008
NotBlonde

I’ve never actually watched High School Musical. My younger sister said she tried once but it just was not happening. I saw him in Hairspray and thought he was adorable, mostly because he didn’t have that gay sweep of bangs he normally has.

I cannot stomach the shitstorm that is Hannah Montana.

19 05 2008
Merri Lee

OMG! Can we note how people who run with their dogs and baby strollers in marathons are obnoxious? This is a freaking marathon, not a Sunday afternoon stroll for you, your large dog, and your aryan litter (I love Chris).

Dustin, the entry form always EXPLICITLY STATES this is against the rules, yet half the folks show up like that anyway with an attitude/demanding a refund. Why??

19 05 2008
Dustin

Because white people generally feel that they are above any regulatory body and can do whatever the hell they want.

19 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

yea why do black people only know one breed of fucking dogs.. the pitbull…dammit Im waiting to see a thugged out nigga with a begal or something hahahah and name it Shilo like the books hahah If I had a Jack Russell his name would be Wishbone hands down.. like the dog from that show Wishbone anyone ever see that show..on PBS I think

Remember that dog named Benji? ahah i loved that mutt

19 05 2008
Merri Lee

SOOOOUNDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

19 05 2008
Shine

Aw i loved wishbone. The story telling detective dog in so many outfits. You just knew he bit someone tying a hat on his head and that’s why the show ended. Oh PBS

19 05 2008
Anmarie

“My dog is tight as hell – Jack Russell Terrier”

I was just telling someone that if ever I owned a smelly dog, It would have to be the dog from Fraiser. He’s a cute little smelly pup! But not one of those small ankle biting purse dogs. Good job Angry, good dog to have and they don’t have long hair.

19 05 2008
urbantongue

I hate dogs. The end.

But I do have a dream-catcher. I don’t understand why people keep them in their fucking cars, though. Do they plan on sleeping in there sometime soon?

19 05 2008
Angry IV

No my dog is like a world class athlete in a dog body – excellent frisbee catcher, we taught him to play “football” too. We’d have him sit behind me or my little brother as the “running back” and one of us would play quarterback. We’d go through the cadences, and on “hike” he would take the handoff of the nerf ball in his mouth and lay down the illest set of jukes outside of a Madden video game.

He was a wild one – calming down in his older age, but still always up for a game of fetch or anything. Ah, man’s best friend.

19 05 2008
shabooty

we should get chris to ‘live blog’ during the flavor of love 3 finale tonight.
i’d love to hear his blow by blow commentary.

19 05 2008
Lolo

I so fucking hate pit bulls and their owners. Matter of fact, I still have scars from a pit bull that the owner sicced on me plus had to get three days of rabies shots before my dad got them to give up the dog so that he could have it tested and killed. Oh, and? The owners were straight up crackers so when time came that I saw every other pit bull being owned by black folks it really messed my head.

Oh yeah, and I just about die from disgust when people say “it’s not a pit bull, it’s a Staffordshire Terrier”. Whatevah, asshat. Just buy a gun and have it done with.

19 05 2008
Knatural

I agree with Shia, um, Shabooty. That would be hilarious and I am willing to neglect my husband {more than I already do} for that.
Sooooo, Somali Queen joined the FBook group, according to her avatar/profile pic. Is Grimm next? I don’t like that. Notatall.

19 05 2008
Angry IV

The problem is not the Pit Bull itself, but the person who raises it. Unfit owners should be quartered and fed back to Pit Bulls.

19 05 2008

Yay I am soo late but I added myself to the sbph group… I can’t miss out on anything!

19 05 2008
Felicia

Jack Black was the funniest thing in Anchorman, and it was a pretty funny movie. I’ve always kind of hated dog owners. Dogs = Children to me and I hate kids.

19 05 2008
Lolo

@ Angry, I disagree to the extent that certain breeds have been bred for specific traits so if you own a mastiff, pit bull, german shepherd, whathaveyou then you are a dumbass to be shocked when it behaves true to nature. I just get so pissed when you read the statements in the paper of the owner who is all “ooooh, Rawmeat is such a baby, really. He lets our children ride him like a horse, I don’t know whyyyyyyyy he tore that child’s face off. He must have been teased!”

Sigh.

19 05 2008
Merri Lee


Knatural (17:36:23) :

Since I know this conversation will eventually turn to sex *sigh* — who here has ever been ‘watched’ by a dog?

Shocked this convo hasn’t gone to doggystyle yet. And disappointed 😦

19 05 2008
Angry IV

1. Mastiffs are large, destructive beasts. If I wanted a big dog, I’d get a Great Dane. So obedient and regal.

2. Doggystyle = a-freaking-mazing. I love it.

19 05 2008
Lolo

God, I love Great Danes. If I could train them to poop directly in the trash can ….

Doggystyle always makes me laugh when I imagine some guy barking while at it.

20 05 2008
Knatural

Angry, I agree. Great Danes are so regal, yet not snooty. But I LOVE Wiemaraners; beautiful, obedient, and loves affection.
And doggy-style {in all its forms} = gasms everytime. However, when dogs do it it always looks desperate.

20 05 2008
shabooty

which one of you bitches wants one of these banging up against you?
http://www.neuticles.com/original.php
🙂

20 05 2008
rachism

THANKYOU! I thought I was the only one still eating animals in this damn country!!! I’m tired of seeing vegetarians and vegans. PEOPLE, animals are MEANT to be eaten (even puppies dammit). I’ve heard dumbass NYU students (what a waste of 40 grand) say that being a vegan/vegetarian is helping poor people. Helllooooo, poor people wanna slap the shit out of you for wasting that good-ass meat that they want to eat but can’t afford. In conclusion, would anyone like a Dolphin sandwich? I’ll be serving them with a sweet onion sauce at my next dinner party.

20 05 2008
Knatural

AHAHAHAHAHA@rachism. I couldn’t eat a puppy, seems wrong. Plus, I’m not Korean 😀 Meat scale for me: seafood, the chicken, other poultry, beef, pork, weird stuff. The last three hardly ever get eaten. My asian friends make fun of me because of it.

20 05 2008
NotBlonde

Doggystyle is the best for the O’s. They come quick and hard. 😉

20 05 2008
NotBlonde

And how do I get my name to link to a picture or a website?

20 05 2008
Sister Toldja

LOL. I used to be a vegan and now I am almost-veggie. I could give a fuck about animals that aren’t furry and adorable, I hate PETA (but not their banging curry chickpea recipe) and I eat seafood. I don’t get on a high horse about not eating meat, except pork (which is a cultural thing). I may quit the seafood one day, but I love it so much. And I will MURDER some catfish, the bottom feeder, the pork of the sea. I acknowledge the hypocracy in this by saying “Pass the hot sauce”.

Why do men love doggystyle so much? I like it, but it isn’t my favorite position by any means.

Um, am I the only one who thinks that…ahem…..heaven help….that Shabooty is kinda….uh…..fuck…..cute? I am looking for a therapist as we speak. Pray for me. I’m surprised, cause I had pictured him as a really corny short Black dude. Help. Help me please.

20 05 2008
Angry IV

The Chicken…lol I like how you turned it into a proper noun.

I stopped eating catfish after I discovered tilapia – it’s lighter and better tasting in my opinion.

Doggystyle = jiggly booty. It’s an amazing sight to behold when you can watch your magic wand go in and out in and out in and out.

20 05 2008
Knatural

NotBlonde – in the comment section where is says Website, put something there. I pictured Shabooty as a crispy, short, cornrow-having Black dude, too.
Soooooo, ST, vegans can’t wear leather, wool, eat honey, eat eggs, and can’t have milk chocolate? How strict were you?

20 05 2008
zoso

@ NotBlonde
Uhm, you sure you’re not blonde? j/k :p

Name (required):

Mail (will not be published) (required):

Website: Paste link to website with your picture on it HERE.

20 05 2008
NotBlonde

Thanks Knatural.

And I can’t understand the vegan thing. One of my friends told me that they wouldn’t eat anything with eyes and was like..um, ok. Another friend said she couldn’t stand the thought of killing something for food and I was like, you do realize you’re killing the plant that you’re eating right?

And my former roommate’s boyfriend was a vegan. He told me to get my delicious steak out of the refrigerator because the scent was “contaminating” the other food. I was like dude, it’s shrink wrapped.

20 05 2008
NotBlonde

I have seriously Blonde moments ok? 🙂

20 05 2008
NotBlonde

Aha! I did it properly! I am officially the most internet retarded person on this board.

20 05 2008
mari

@ anmarie, mrs. epps – y’all will be ok with your high school musical ppl love…a lot of ppl don’t realize it, but most disney stars are well over the age of 18 so go ‘head and fantasize!!!

“Instead, I think I’ll jam an icepick up my cock once a week. It’s about the same amount of fun with a fraction of the expense, mess, and inconvenience.”

-yes, i did pass away at this statement

20 05 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Knatural- Not strict at all, lol. And this is one of the reasons I hate PETA. They will dump paint on a woman’s fur whist rocking some Addidas Shelltops. You see they ain’t tried that ish on no sister yet. Can you IMAGINE? That is cause to beat the breaks offa somebody AND slay their dog. I managed to avoid all dairy products, but I still ate honey and I didn’t buy new shoes, cause I don’t care about animals much. I mean, I think Mike Vick is an asshat, but if a shrimp or ten has to die for me to enjoy my meal *shrugs shoulders*

Doggystyle ( I hate that term, btw) is great for a while, but I personally enjoy the chest to chest contact very much when I am knocking boots. I like to do a lot of kissing as well.

20 05 2008
Angry IV

Nevermind the shelltops – it’s not like the leather on those didn’t come from cows and that small children in sweatshops didn’t make them.

ST – too much kissing = loss of beatage.

20 05 2008
Deesigner

I love Fur!
I just don’t like it when it still has breath in it.

When I was at UW- Milwaukee, some PETA chick tried that “paint on the coat move.” I gave her the “Bitch, I wish you would” look, and she waited until I got half across campus before they started protesting again.

I must be the oldest person reading this blog, I don’t have a clue about who these supposed cute white boys (a contradiction in itself), I have never seen High School Musical or Hannah Montana, nor do I have a Facebook account or Myspace page.

Am I missing something?

20 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Angry, PETA people don’t care about small, brown sweatshop children. They care about nasty fucking animals that they would want to kill if they actually had to live amongst them and they care about killing horrible monsters like Mike Vick who abuse dogs. Any creep who can protest over some gotdamn food animals, but couldn’t tell you who Megan Williams is deserves to be roadkill and served with hotsauce.

*Frowns at loss of beatage*

Actually, if you are (polite word for beating) it right, I don’t think the kissing takes away from it. Plus, there is just so much more skin-to-skin contact when you are facing…and so many ways to be face to face.

Yes, this is the ideal conversation for going to bed alone, sober and on an empty stomach. 😦

20 05 2008
shabooty

i frigging fell asleep thru the last 15mins of the flavor of love3 finale and woke up right as he picked the person. how lame.

Sister Toldja – i think it’s all the estrogen that clouds these comments… that or one of you all queefed.

20 05 2008
Knatural

ST – I respect vegan/vegetarian diets; it’s a mild form of asceticism to me. Any time someone refrains from over-indulgence or restricts something that can be easily abused like sex, spending, eating, I can appreciate it. However, I wouldn’t do it. I believe in a varied diet, no puppies.
Deesigner – I don’t know High School Musical either. And I think Lolo is the oldest female reader, she’ll be a hundred and seven in July.
Fur? Unless you eat mink, or whatever kind of fur they use to make coats and stuff, it seems wrong to me to wear it. Just opinion, not truth, don’t jump on me.
Beatage? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA Ya can’t beat it up everytime!

20 05 2008
benjie

i’m with you ST
people always think that i’m weird cause i say that i prefer missionary.
kissing makes the moment

but of course if you’re in a hurry
or if you’re mind fucking someone else (i know i’m not the only one who’s done that before) then being bent over a couch
doggystyle
is the way to go

20 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Thanks Shabooty. I am resuming my fear of you again. I needed that.

LOL @ Benjie. That is true, but I can also look past you in missionary positon, or look at your chest or neck or the ceiling. Le sigh. I am also trying to not fuck anyone who makes me feel the need to mind fuck someone else. I’m on my choosey lover shit in 2008. From now till infinity, actually. This is how I chill from 2008 til…. lol.

20 05 2008
NotBlonde

Nothing wrong with that ST-I broke up with the basketball player and it has been voluntary celibacy for me ever since. I don’t fuck just anyone.

20 05 2008
Lolo

@Knatural
I’m so old that I went to orgies.
I’m so old that I know that disco was the bastard child of funk.
I’m so old that I had posters of Sly and the Family Stone.
I’m so old that I used to rollerskate on four wheels.
I’m just immature, is all.

20 05 2008
aboutmydc

Missionary can be suffocating, and it’s not an angle I prefer. Favorite: modified versions of ‘from the side’.

20 05 2008
Knatural

Lolo, I hope I offended you that time. I really tried my best. Rollerskates? With four wheels?

20 05 2008
shabooty

do you all prefer black dildos or pink?
rofl.

20 05 2008
NotBlonde

I prefer technicolor.

20 05 2008
Angry IV

lol @ shabooty

20 05 2008
Lolo

@Knatural
With stone wheels.
@shabooty
Do you wear yours strapped to your forehead?

20 05 2008
zoso

Ahahahaha

20 05 2008
Sister Toldja

DEAD @ stone wheels. I hate y’all.

Dildos dont vibrate. That is way too much work.

20 05 2008
stuffgirlshlike

It is amazing to see how much commentary can be given by 10 regulars can provide, you guys love this place.

20 05 2008
Shine

WHEW, I wanna say I friended shabooty a coupla days ago ST and was looking at his pics. I thought he was white too and he reminded me of Jordan from the New Kids on the Block. And I was shocked that he was kinda cute too. Then I took several showers. Sorry shabooty but… lambskin condoms smells like a gyro made me need to scrub off the dirty. At least I’m not alone.

20 05 2008
Shine

I love Lolo! I wish you were my grandma 😉

20 05 2008
Anmarie

Lolo is the funniest person on the planet! HAHAHAHAHA! “do you wear yours strapped to your forehead”! haha!

I had a pretty cool blue one, that was fun. Showers were alot brighter and happier.

20 05 2008
klysha

Oh my goodness. One of my coworkers just sent a mass forward of pictures of her dog wearing a pink polo shirt and a hair bow. Poor bastard looked miserable as hell.

20 05 2008
zoso

On the topic of pets, though I’m not a big fan of animals, my mom’s kitten jumped off her table and slammed it’s head into a metal stool… needless to say it had seizures. I don’t know how it’s doing atm but I hope it’s ok. Does anyone know how vets deal with emergencies? Particularly do they do payment plans on surgeries or what? I heard people talking of pet insurance, etc.

2 12 2008
CapriceClassic

Are you kidding me? General Tso Chicken ISN’T Chinese? Wow. My feelings are officially hurt cause I love me some GT Chicken. Damn it Chris, you’ve ruined my life.

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