Dog Owners

19 05 2008

I’ve had the distinct misfortune of meeting several new dog owners within the last few months. I’ll be running somewhere when I bump into somebody I know (usually a chick) walking or running on the trail with her mutt. The conversation with Dopey (Dog Owning Pompous Egotistical Yuppie) almost always goes like this:

Dopey: “Hey!”
Me: [pointing at dog] “What the hell is that?”
Dopey: “This is Mr. Miffins!” [to dog] “Say ‘hi’ to Chris, Mr. Miffins”
Me: …
Dopey: “Isn’t he ADORABLE?!?!?!?”
Me: “Cool, you brought a snack!”
Dopey: “Har har, Mr. Miffins isn’t for eating.”
Me: “Why the hell not?”
Dopey: “You know, you should get a dog! Then you’d have someone to run with you!”
Me: [hurls dog into river, runs away]

The most annoying thing about dog owners – especially newly minted dog owners – is the fact that they try to convince you that you’re an asshole for not owning a dog. They tell you how much ‘fun’ the companionship is, and how the animal completes them. They tell you that there’s a hole in your life that will not be filled unless you procure a creature whose idea of a good time is licking it’s own asshole, then licking your face. This happens, of course, either before or after it tries to have sex with your leg.

Figure 1: You could at least buy me dinner first.

Personally, I think I’ll pass. Being able to stay out at late as I want, taking vacations at a moment’s notice, not having to walk a dog at the crack of dawn in the dead of winter, and not having to deal with pet hair everywhere are a real pain in the ass…but hey, it’s my choice to make. Instead, I think I’ll jam an icepick up my cock once a week. It’s about the same amount of fun with a fraction of the expense, mess, and inconvenience.

Lots of yuppies like to gobble up cultural concepts espoused by the Chinese and the Lakota. They decorate their homes with Feng Shui in mind and hang mandallas* everywhere. Every asshole on the planet has a dreamcatcher or one of these things hanging off their rear view mirror for no good fucking reason. I always wonder why, then, they fail to adopt another imporant Chinese/Lakota maxim:

Dogs are food.

Somewhere in the Bible, it says that God made animals delicious because the purpose of Man is to put hot sauce on them and eat them. I don’t recall seeing an exception being made for dogs, cats, ferrets, gerbils, or any of the other furry delicious animals that people insist on not eating like God intended.

Figure 2: Cute, sure. But if it could, it would eat you.

Dog owners are implicitly spitting on the Bible. By owning a dog and not eating it, you are basically saying “I am better than Jesus.”

I have a special place in my heart reserved for hating women that own those teeny tiny dogs. Some hot black girl jumped into my elevator a month or so ago at my condo, and right when I’d worked up the nerve to talk to her, she pulled a dog out of her purse and I nearly lost my shit. When I was living in Texas several years ago, there were at least five women at my gym who would show up in their cars driving with dogs IN THEIR LAPS (which they would then drop off in the gym’s ‘Doggie Play Land’).

Figure 3: “HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Yep, that’s a nice thing to do, you asshole: cram a furry animal with no sweat glands into a purse that it’ll barely fit into on a hot day while you go shopping for three fucking hours. I’m sure you’d enjoy a similar experience of being thrown into the trunk of a Miata in Phoenix while wearing a fur coat and having the owner do donuts all day under the midday sun while you have to take a piss the entire time.

Everytime I see a teeny weeny dog, I start thinking about football because I get the urge to a.) punt the dog like Jack Black in ‘Anchorman’, b.) toss the dog like that dude in ‘Something About Mary’, or c.) spike the dog in an endzone like in my own torrid dreams. I also kinda want to do the same with the severed head of the owner, because she clearly isn’t using it anyway.


*Every Indian laughs inside when seeing a non-Indian buying one of these stupid things, which are about as authentically Indian as General Tso chicken is authentically Chinese.