16 05 2008

I was on the train yesterday listening to more 11 year olds loudly swearing and talking about butt sex in the presence of mortified adults when the fattest ugliest kid in the bunch made a comment similar to the following:

“Yea yo, [insert name] a fag son. I’m sayin’ if he come around me talkin bout sexin’ me n’ shit he’d get straight up stole yo!”

This very quickly reminded me of the types of people that are always making statements like this. For some reason, every pot bellied, beer swilling, stained t-shirt wearing, non-showering on the weekend, pork rind eating, anti-athletic fat fuck on the planet thinks every gay dude on the planet wants to suck his dick or bang him in the ass. I get pretty pissed off when fat-and-flat-assed white girls incorrectly assume I want to invade their cooters, so I can only wonder how insulting the comparable sentiment must be to gay people.

Figure 1: Gay dudes are having none of this

I don’t have any gay friends, but I do have gay family members and live in what is allegedly the third gayest city in the U.S. (behind San Fransisco and some city in Ohio, maybe Columbus). As a result, I’ve seen the kinds of guys that gays tend to go after and one thing is a common theme throughout: gay dudes don’t do ugly, and seems to apply especially to gay black men.

Speaking from a record of unblemished heterosexuality, I can say gay people have remarkably high standards both physically and otherwise. Most gay guys I’ve run across are very good looking, well groomed, well dressed, well spoken, and are usually upwardly mobile in established careers. The last four or five gay dudes I’ve met were surgeons, attorneys, engineers, and HR directors. Gay dudes attend theater. They volunteer. They travel. They practically live in the gym. All of this leads me to wonder exactly what the hell these fatass ESPN-addicted douchebags, who think Nijinsky is a type of football nickel defense, have to offer gay people.

Figure 2: Gay dudes are having all of this

It’s rendered all the more remarkable that the homophobic slob thinks he has a chance with gay dudes, but knows damn well that he doesn’t stand a chance with a hot chick – when the exact opposite is true.

I’m going to piss off a lot of women by saying this, but fuck it – it needs to be said. It is remarkably easy to attract a hot woman for the short term. All any fat slob has to do, barring any horrible birth defects, is lose a few pounds, buy a nice suit, rent an expensive car, and roll up to a club and valet his car (so everyone will see it) around midnight when the line is the longest (at least that’s the way it is in DC). Women nowadays are independent and empowered, so they don’t want to admit this, but they immediately give this guy a lot of credit and the dude hasn’t so much as spoken a word yet. If he’s rented a REALLY exotic car like a 360 Modena or some shit, he won’t have to say a damn thing. In fact, he can act like a complete dick and still land just about any chick he wants.

Figure 3: Case in Point

So there it is: to get a hot chick, all you have to do is feign wealth for a night or two.

Gay dudes are not so easy. Sure, it may help if you appear to be rich but, unlike with hot chicks, that’s not where the buck stops. My two-spirited* family members tell me that landing a gay man can be extremely difficult because of number of ‘tests’ you have to pass with them. It’s not difficult for gay people to pull off, but if you’re, for instance, a straight man trying to attract a gay man on a dare or a bet or some shit, your attempt to enter the realm of gaydom will be like trying to ace a job interview at Google with the left half your brain missing. If you can’t prove your personal ambition, good taste in damn near everything, cultural awareness, and at least some degree of worldly sophistication, you lose. You will not have to worry about getting your cornhole violated at any point in the near future.

So to all you ugly, corn chip eating, Bud Light guzzling, sexually insecure cock muscles out there – chill the fuck out. You couldn’t PAY a gay dude to fuck you.

* ‘Two-Spirit’ is a term used by many Indians to describe gay people