Jury Duty

15 05 2008

There’s nothing worse than getting a Jury summons in your mailbox, because it lets you know that in about four weeks you’re going to have an experience worse than bathing in a pool of severed cocks.

The first thing you have to do is fill out the stupid form that comes with the jury summons. On this questionnaire, they ask you stupid shit that they never really intend to verify – like “have you ever been convicted of a felony?” or “do you think Barack Obama looks like a cartoon monkey?”. After Michael Vick and Mike Norman lie on their applications so they’ll have a chance to fuck someone over, and you fill yours out truthfully, you get to the part of the questionnaire that asks if your employer pays you during jury service.

Figure 1: Has probably served on a jury with a black defendant

If you’re a salaried employee, you’re fine, because you’re pretty much guaranteed pay during your time off that your employer is required by law to give you for jury duty. If you’re not a salaried employee as are untold millions of Americans, you won’t get fired – but you are completely screwed. I don’t know how it is in the rest of the country, but DC pays $4 if you’re not selected for a trial, and $30 per day if you are.

Thirty motherfucking dollars per day in lieu of your regular hourly rate. I know $100+/hour contractors who have wound up on trials that literally cost them thousands of dollars.


Figure 2: Will earn more money today than any juror anywhere ever

Anyhow, you send in your form and wait a few weeks for your service date. When that day comes, you walk your ass over to the courthouse and are greeted by a line a mile long coming out the door. After you stop swearing, you look around at the people in line and notice something interesting:

  1. Lots and lots of white people holding jury summons
  2. Lots and lots of black people waiting in line to support family/friends on trial

This is upsetting now, but it will absolutely enrage you in just a few minutes. Stay tuned.

You get to the metal detector inside the courthouse, which is staffed by U.S. Marshalls. Now for anyone that’s seen the movie of the same name (starring Tommy Lee Jones and Wesley fucking Snipes), you’d be inclined to think that being a Marshall would require intelligence and attention to detail. Not so. The ‘Marshall’ manning the metal detector looks like Special Ed from Crank Yankers’ wearing a police uniform, and is at least as incompetent.

Figure 3: “I’m an officer of the court, YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!”

People are walking through the metal detector with the thing beeping and blaring like it’s fucking Mardi Gras, but the Marshall is letting them right on through without checking them with the handheld metal detector. Instead, he just uses it to direct machine gun toting patrons into the middle of the courthouse, because apparently he thinks the handheld implement is supposed to be used like an orchestra conductor’s wand. I walk into the courthouse wondering if this fucktard even realizes he’s holding a metal detector.

Next on the jury duty menu is another enormous line, this one leading into the jury office which is filled with people making bad excuses to try to get out of jury duty like “I hate niggers” or “I’m a hemophiliac suffering from Uncontrollable Falling Down Syndrome”. When it’s your turn in the office, the clerk gives you a creepy smile, gives you a badge, and tells you to wait in the ‘jurors lounge’ for your name/number to be called.

The juror’s lounge is filled with rows and rows of seats. People are stupid, so instead of walking to the far end of the row so other people can easily file in behind them, they sit at the near end of the row and force everyone to walk over top of them. This asshole also has the nerve to act bothered by the fact that people have to do this even though it’s his/her (usually her) own fault. You finally take a seat, and an orientation video starts.

The orientation video features some old Civil War veteran of a judge telling you how fortunate you are to live in a country where you’re tried in front of a jury of your peers. Remember what I said about the demographics of the line outside the courthouse? This is where you become very very very very angry. If you’re smart, you’ll toss in your headphones and listen to Drowning Pool for awhile so you can’t hear the rest of the video. If you’re not smart (like me), you’ll listen in utter disbelief as the rest of the video explains the trial process that you’d have assumed any normal functioning adult would understand already by sheer virtue of not living under a fucking rock.

The video ends, and not a moment later some overly excited Carlton Banks lookalike jumps to the podium up front:

Carlton: “Wwwwwelll GOOD MORNING FOLKS! WELCOME TO JURY DUTY, HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING?”
Jury Pool: [grunts in unison]
Carlton: “OK SUPER DUPER! We’re gonna be calling our first jury for Judge Whogivesaflyingfuck, so if I call your name annnnnnnnnnd badge number please announce your presence with a hearty ‘HERE’!”

Figure 4: Goddammit…

This khakied fuck stick then starts reading off the names of the extremely unfortunate. You feel like you’re in that scene from Glory where all the soldiers are charging across the beach toward Fort Wagner – people all around you are being blown up by cannon fire…and all you can do is hope you aren’t next.

Carlton comes out two or three more times before dismissing the survivors for lunch, which is the only enjoyable part of jury duty. You grab your sammich from a local foodatorium and sit outside the courtroom looking at people. This is when you realize something very interesting about black female attorneys:

  1. They are hot
  2. They are everywhere

All these chicks are wearing high heeled shoeses and those vertically striped booty-accentuating dress pants. There is so much high class booty everywhere that you briefly forget that you’re at jury duty. You get to partake in this visual feast for a whole entire hour…but at 1:30, your monkey ass goes right back into the juror’s lounge.

Carlton returns several more times to choose victims, but somehow he doesn’t call your name. You pass the time by reading and watching the awful Sandra Bullock movie they insist on playing over and over again on the TV screens. When you get really bored, you start having stupid contests with yourself like seeing how many times you can blink in a minute. As the end of the day approaches, you look around and wonder how many non-salaried employees are about to get paid $4 today, which won’t even pay their Metro fare to and from the courthouse. You resist the urge to start the revolution.

Figure 5: Me, in the last hour of jury duty

Finally, Carlton shows up for the last time and dismisses everyone. You can’t help but think that there must be a more efficient way to set up jury pools. This is eight hours of your life that you will never EVER get back. You are fuming as you walk out of the courthouse…until you see hot attorney booty all over the place again. Suddenly, you think it was all worth it.

God bless women.

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90 responses

15 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

There’s nothing worse than getting a Jury summons in your mailbox, because it lets you know that in about four weeks you’re going to have an experience worse than bathing in a pool of severed cocks.

where do you come up witht his shittt ahahaha let me keep reading

15 05 2008
stuffgirlslike

Chris baby you are doing well for yourself , you know I do a little bit of consulting and can get your blog full of paid advertising.

Is it you plan to write a book based on this blog or to get rich monetising this blog?

Did I tell you you have great imagination?

http://stuffgirlslike.wordpress.com

15 05 2008

Judge Whogivesaflyingfuck (cant wait for her show on the cw)

15 05 2008
Sylph

There’s a bench warrant out for my arrest in BK since the notices were going to my old house because I moved without telling them. But I digress.

Juries suck. Law and Order is not real life despite the fact that Father Time is still on the show (and I like Sam Waterson). Maybe they should show that while you people wait eternally.

Not surprised about the jury pool. Not surprised at all.

15 05 2008
Shine

Haha, reminds me of my partner in crime. She went on vacation and came back to a Jury duty summons and a letter from the IRS saying she was being audited. I had apologize to her for using those code words when I called her. She know my phone is tapped. 🙂

15 05 2008
Quiet Storm

I hope I don’t ever get the jury summons. They try to waste my time and mess with my money like that, I might act like Chappelle in that skit he did when they were doing jury selection. Hilarious! They sure would dismiss my black a$$

15 05 2008
AC

I actually like jury duty. I think it’s kinda fun. I feel like I’m taking part in something good for society.

Am I a complete nerd?

15 05 2008
Educated NSU Demon

Thankfully I was able to get out of jury duty, due to me being a full-time student. I’m pretty much fucked after I graduate though. 😦 And I don’t know why you’re acting all surprised at the torture for nonsalaried employees…we all know the government gets its jollies from finding any possible opportunity to screw its own citizens out of money.

15 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Still cross fingers that I never get a jury summons…I’ll say Im Germaphobic and I hate black ppl and mexicans like I was some ignorant house nigga like Uncle Ruckus ahahah jk…thank god for being a salaried employee now cuz if i wasnt i’d be dammned if i get short of pay I’ll raise hell in the bitch!

15 05 2008
Esquire

black female attorneys:

They are hot
They are everywhere

I love you Chris

“When you get really bored, you start having stupid contests with yourself like seeing how many times you can blink in a minute.”
Imagine how the attorneys feel. I’ve done things like count the tiles in the ceiling, or how many times the other attorney says umm.

You’d think I’d be paying attention…same shit different day.

15 05 2008
PrettyPiscesGirl

Chris…except for all the black female attorneys (who I’d never pay attention to anyway) and that pitiful fee they pay…sounds like jury duty here in Houston. I absolutely DEPISE jury duty with a passion…screw civic duty.
I first served it back in 2004…complete waste of a day. I got assigned to a child support case, which THANKFULLY they resolved via mediation during our lunch. The county still paid $6 dollars then.
Got called last fall, a little over three years later. I was fortunate in that my current employer (the school district) pays us for jury duty, without docking pay or leave time. The fee had increased to $12 per day if you didn’t get selected. Got picked for a panel assigned to an alleged spousal abuse trial. I already had my rant prepared as to why I wouldn’t be a good candidate to serve…as in “I’m not only racist” (the guy was Hispanic) “but I also hate men”. The white male prosecutor kept staring at me smiling (like he was waiting on it) but the black male ex-pro athlete-come-defense attorney deliberately wouldn’t look in my direction (did I mention I was the only black woman on the panel?) Needless to say, I didn’t get to use it…they ended up choosing ALL MEN for this dude’s trial.

15 05 2008
Cheekie

Lost it @ Carlton. There can’t POSSIBLY be people out there (without being on drugs) that is that damn cheerful about jury duty, whether they’re on the opposite end of it all or not. Jury duty is just institionalized factory line hell.

Thank everything that is holy that the two only jury duty summons I’ve gotten were waived since it came while I was in school full-time. Now that that’s over, I check the mailbox everyday with sweaty palms, PRAYING that my social security number was somehow erased never to see the light of corupt government day. Please God let it be true.

15 05 2008
letinstar

not only did i get jury duty, but i was picked to serve on a jury…that shit lasted for ten days…and it was about some white woman suing some white man over sexual harrassment in the workplace…not only was it boring and it sucked, but i had just started a new job..the new job did actually pay me while i was on jury duty, but they didn’t have to…

15 05 2008
Deesigner

As crappy as Jury Duty is I always bristle when I see a jury that does not reflect the demographics of the area that I live in (Metro Houston). It pains me to know that old white ladies are deciding the fate of nearly everyone charged with a crime here.

White Man kills wife and 5 babies eats the bodies = probation
Black Man gives a white girl the gas face, she gets scared, twists her ankle = Life without Parole

Having said that I was summoned in Feb and I could not believe how archaic the process is.

15 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Sylph (16:00:13) :

There’s a bench warrant out for my arrest in BK since the notices were going to my old house because I moved without telling them. But I digress.

What, what????? I never tell anybody I move. I still have a DC license and a Maryland address. Nobody knows I moved to BK, cause I pay all my bills online. Do I have warrants?

15 05 2008
Sister Toldja

I only got jury duty once (that I know of, fuck) and I was away at college and just sent the note back. I would like to miss some time to do it, since I am salaried. I be bored here.

DEAD 100 times at the Gil Scott Heron pic! AAHHHHHHH!

Meanwhile, I am hoping that R. Kelly gets all jurors that look like figure 1. I should send the judge a copy of the Chapelles Show ep with the Black juror saying the only way he’d vote guilty is if he had a tape of him singing “Pee On You” with his grandmother there saying “Yes, this is my grandson, R Kelly, peeing on a little girl”.

15 05 2008
Natalie

As soon as I graduated college last May my mom called to tell me a jury summons letter was sitting on the kitchen table with my name on it. Damn you Baltimore County. They must’ve been waiting patiently for my ass…

15 05 2008
Deesigner

I wish that I could on that R. Kelly jury!

Sick bastard. I hope that they fry his ass…….

15 05 2008
Deesigner

That should have read…”I wish that I could GET on that R. Kelly jury”

15 05 2008
Bailey Blues

@ST…you probably do have a warrent out.

I still get summons for jury duty at my mom’s house in Maryland after I told them I don’t live there. Last time I called they said we will continue until you re-register in another state. O well…

15 05 2008
Deesigner

Ditto ST, I never tell anyone when I move either, nor did I change my name legally when I got married. I just added his name to mine. F the SSA.

15 05 2008
thechad1911

Yeah i did the jury duty thing once and you paint a helluvan accurate picture. I sat in the dury lounge trying to sleep while people kept walking past me, but when i was awake i had a pretty good view of the tv. Then, i got up ONCE to use the bathroom and some ASSHOLE stole my seat (still pissed off today). luckily i got dismissed from the jury because the damn trial didn’t even start until 4:45. And as for R. Kelly, if he is convicted what exactly is the punishment for pissin’ on a chick? Not sure if there’s a precedent for this.

http://trialandera.wordpress.com

15 05 2008
Esquire

@Deesigner:

“As crappy as Jury Duty is I always bristle when I see a jury that does not reflect the demographics of the area that I live in (Metro Houston). It pains me to know that old white ladies are deciding the fate of nearly everyone charged with a crime here.”

More scary thought: Its not the nice little old ladies. Its the pissed off middle aged women, uneducated white men, educated 20-30 white men who hate blacks, and the occassional black man/woman who hates themselves and all blacks, resulting in black cop syndrome.

The jury boxes look A LOT like Hillary Clinton’s supporters. (shivers)

15 05 2008
kablammyman

“…until you see hot attorney booty all over the place again. Suddenly, you think it was all worth it.”

Damn right!

15 05 2008
Esquire

@thechad1911:

In SC, R.Kelly would face assault and battery for pissing on a preteen alone. Not to mention several sex offenses such as lewd act upon a minor.

If he paid her, he’s really up shit creek: prositution and maybe solicitation would be added on.

15 05 2008
Knatural

DC calls me, like clockwork, every two yrs. But it’s my civic duty, right?

15 05 2008
8th Wonder

I was a clerk in criminal superior court for a year. It DOES suck just as much on the other side. I had no idea just how many slack-jawed yokels were running around the planet until I had to deal with jurors. Some of these people shouldn’t be in charge of shaking a can of spray paint unsupervised much less deciding someone’s fate.

And I’m still crossing my fingers that I never get that letter.

15 05 2008
stuffgirlslike

I missed out on Jury Duty, who knows I have no mercy, I would send a hooligan down. There are plenty of cats I would love to be on jury duty for, Just imagine a cop like Mark Furhman coming on trial, he would get well hurt.

Or someone who mugs grandmothers.

http://stuffgirlslike.wordpress.com

15 05 2008
stuffgirlslike

@ Designer I know the feeling.

15 05 2008
benjie

i got called up before
sat all day…got picked for a civil suit right after lunch.

i lost 4 whole days of my life on that jury last year.
thought i was cool until i looked in my mailbox the other day.

…june 2nd??

…..fuck.

15 05 2008
thechad1911

Damn! all that for peein’ on someone? Why oh why couldn’t he just find some 18 year olds… or a toilet.

Esquire, thanks for the info.

15 05 2008
Ethel

We don’t get a movie out here in Cally but now they have a system where you check your status on a website. This last time I checked a few times a day and every time they would list my group number, the comment next to it would say “check back after 5pm today” “check back tomorrow after 1pm”, etc. So this time basically I didn’t have to go down to the court house at all, which is quite handy. Especially since it seems to be a universal rule that courthouse parking sucks sour owl shit.

15 05 2008
Applelicious

LMAO…. Thanks, I love your take on things

15 05 2008
sarah

AC, i am with you

i got called for jury duty during the summer before my senior year, so i travelled from Bmore to DC just to serve. they called my name on the second round, right before lunch. i knew they were going to pick me cause of my jury interview. but, strangely, i enjoyed it. its like watching a TV drama, but the attorneys arent as polished. all in all, i didnt mind it, but maybe thats because i did get picked.

15 05 2008
NotBlonde

I got chosen for jury duty but never sent them back the form. I suspect I’m going to have my door busted in and taken into custody any day now. Although, that was 3 years ago so I’m hoping a blessed clerical error has kept me from the pokey. They would have told me about that by now, right?

Anyway, my poor big sister has been called twice in the last 2 years and my mom 3 times. They never get chosen though. I suspect it’s because my mom acts crazy in her interview and because my sister doesn’t act crazy enough.

15 05 2008
NotBlonde

I would be taken into custody, not the door…gah. I stayed up waaaay too late last night.

15 05 2008
Muse

I was called once for jury duty during my Jr year of college.Due to my status as a fulltime student, I was able to get out of it. I’m sure one of these days my luck will run out and I might get randomly picked to perform jury duty again. Hopefully I will be back in Grad school when that day happens.

My poor mother had jury duty for a rape case which took 4 months to complete. She was actually the jury foreman and pretty much said that half of the people in the jury were ignorant and lacked critical thinking skills.

15 05 2008
Yonnie3k

I moved 2 years ago, but never changed the address on my driver’s license. I’m not so much worried about a jury summons – but I suspect that there is a warrant out for my arrest due to several unpaid tickets as the result of those cameras at red lights.

15 05 2008
Knatural

I saw that Mike Norman crap on cnn.com yesterday; how could he not know that comparing Sen. Obama to Curious George would be offensive. Oh yeah, he’s lying. He says the ears and hairline reminded him not of Alfred E. Neuman, but of Curious George, a naked banana-eating monkey. Here’s the video: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2008/05/14/bojorquez.obama.tshirt.controversy.wsb
Notice the usage of the word ‘deplicted’ LMAO!

15 05 2008
Shine

See this is why I’m scared of going to court. I don’t want to get jury duty, and will probably try to get out of it. But if I go up for something I would wish I was on my jury. Or many of the people who get out of duty. I forgot who said it but who wants to be tried by a bunch of people too simple to get out of jury duty (no offense to the people here who got picked. Y’all are clever and thoughtful, but come now, what about the rest of your ‘peers’.)

15 05 2008
Esquire

I really love Curious George. I think he’s one of the cutest, timeless cartoon character. But damn, Curious Obama? Thats just wrong.

Who’s the man in the yellow hat? Sen Edwards?

15 05 2008
Esquire

characters should be plural. (thats what i get for sneaking on this blog during work)

15 05 2008
Ari Ankh Neferet

So…if you live in DC, you will DEFINITELY get called for Jury Duty without fail every two years…until you either move/die/end up being the defendant yourself. It’s just unfortunate demographics. Lots of crime+not lots of people=anyone without a conviction serving overandoverandoverand…
I digress.
I literally laughed out loud at Carlton because that is EXACTLY who that dude is! Had jury duty (for the third time) a couple of months ago and I was like ‘um…is he serious??’ I’m not mad though. He actually made me smile so Reasons I Hate Jury Duty were down to only 817 for the day.
On my first go round with Jury Duty I actually thought it would be fun to serve(21 and stupid) so I answered all the questions in a way that I thought would get me picked. And it did…for ten fucking days. Gun charges, robbery etc. And one of the two defendants kept giving me the eye. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to holla or rack up his next gun charge by waiting for me in the parking garage. I was like damn…I hope he doesn’t know I’m voting to send his ass to jail cause that would definitely push things in the direction of the latter.
So um yeah, ST, I might be slightly concerned b/c if you moved out of DC and never got a new license from somewhere else they are definitely looking for that ass lol…

15 05 2008
Knatural

AHAHAHAHAHA Esquire. The Man in the Yellow Hat is probably General Wesley Clark.

15 05 2008
Quiet Storm

I was slapped with a jury summons a couple of times while in college. Since I was in school, I was able to get out of it. Now that I am not, I might see another one. What they don’t know is, I don’t live in NY anymore, so if they send me one, I can get out of it with the excuse that I don’t live in that state anymore. hahaha! Maybe I should tell them I don’t live there anymore……..Nahh, they’ll be iight. (I hope not doing so doesn’t come back to bite me in the a$$ though)

15 05 2008
keiranzma

This is when you realize something very interesting about black female attorneys:

They are hot
They are everywhere

Here, Here!!!!

And may I just say, there is NOTHING that warms my cockles more than spending HOURS upon HOURS prepping a case to go to trial, knowing that you are going to have to defend yourself not only against smug dickhead white attorney, smug dickhead white judge and smug dickhead white client who thinks your black azz can’t POSSIBLY defend him successfully in court, only to show up at the courthouse and hear across the lobby from some fool shackled up with his brethern and headed into a bail hearing – hey, shawty! Whuzzup wit’ you! Lemme holla at you after this hearing- you got a man???
*hangs head in shame*

15 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Yonnie3k (18:43:50) :

I moved 2 years ago, but never changed the address on my driver’s license. I’m not so much worried about a jury summons – but I suspect that there is a warrant out for my arrest due to several unpaid tickets as the result of those cameras at red lights.

Shit.

15 05 2008
Stephanie

I’ve gotten summoned three times. TWICE in one year–once at my college address in Houston and once at my permanent address in Dallas (I was registered to vote in Houston). And then the following year, I get another summons from Harris County in my campus mailbox. Luckily, I was able to claim full-time student exemption. Of course, now that I’ve graduated, I’m just going to pray and hope that I don’t get any more summons.

15 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

lol I agree with Yonnie and ST.. I never changed my address when I moved out my parents house 3 yrs ago..and still havent after I have moved liek millions of times when i lived in florida.. I still have my florida’s license and have liek one unpaid ticket..which means my license is suspended if im not mistaken. Yikes.. I go the ticket when i was 18..why cant they just forget about it.. fuckin bike cops piss me off esp. in jax florida.. but ever since then I never got pulled over or got a ticket ever( not tryna jinx myself)…but I still dont plan on telling them my addy hahahaha oh well.. they can catch me after I’m dead!

15 05 2008

my attention span isn’t long enough to be on nobody’s trial. I will base my judgment on the my first and only judgement of the plaintiff. I stop hearing when someone is talking to much. And if there is a hot attorney, you could forget it. I really am undressing and having fantasies about anyone hot in the room. I may write that if I get a jury summons.

15 05 2008
Sister Toldja

I got pulled over once and I was afraid my licence was suspended (it wasn’t) and according to my male passenger, I was talking to the cops like a slave. I was aiming for a Southern Coquettish thing. I kept saying “Yes suh”, “No suh”, “Ahm not from ar’rahnd heah suh”. I thought it was lady like. Whatever, I didn’t go to jail and he didn’t find my contraband.

15 05 2008

There are more people living in california than in any other state, so I suppose thats why we dont get summoned that often.

15 05 2008
Esquire

LOL @ Sister T. I LOVE the slave talk.

15 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Next time, I will speak Creole.

15 05 2008
Uncle Ruckus

Listen to y’all, tryna get out uh ya civic dutay. I served on a jury once. Put that nigga in jail where his dahkie ass belonged. There comes uh time in every White American’s life when he gets the chance to put a nigga in jail. That will be the greatest day uh his long, pure life. You dun belong on a jury anyway,your small negro brain cannot process infomation like a white man. You’d be sittin theah on the jury with cho mouth hanging open like the dumb nigga you is. Anyhow, I got to get back to my job. I keep the dahkies outta the white man’s house at the end of the block. He doesn’t know I’m theah, but I’m always theah protecting his little angel babies from those hoodrats who live down the street.

All Praise the Lord White Jesus

Amen

15 05 2008
Dustin

1. I’m a black, female (ish – not really) attorney. Yea!!!!!

2. It’s like Chris was ACTUALLY there when I had jury duty three weeks ago. It’s obvious that he has a great imagination, but this sh*t is real. That was exactly how it happened!!! But I didn’t have Carlton; it was a 65 year-old Rosie Perez.

3. “. . . in about four weeks you’re going to have an experience worse than bathing in a pool of severed cocks.” I’m trying so hard to refrain. . .

15 05 2008
Merri Lee

Seattle Court, King County Court or Washington State Court – $10/day. *goes back to finish reading*

15 05 2008
angel

I used to get called for jury duty all the time & they always wanted me to come in just when I left to go on tour. After 3 postponements (& 3 times of them ignoring dates I would be in town and available) I got the dreaded warrant notice also. My mom freaked but I was more scared of my director than the law so I went back on the road. Eventually I went in and wasted 8 hours with people that would make me take a plea if they were considered a jury of my peers. I haven’t been called again since.

However my brother served on a quick criminal case. Few weeks later saw the defendant on the #2 train. Took the long way home that day cause the jury found him guilty and my brother wasn’t sure if he recognized him. LOL.

15 05 2008
Merri Lee

If you are an hourly employee, you can get out of jury duty by sending them a letter saying you can’t afford to miss work/pay. It is a valid reason not to go. That worked for me until the day I had jury duty on, wait for it, MY DAY OFF! All that BS overtime I went through to earn a day off (within 60 days of my starting date) and I had to wake up EARLIER than when I went to work. King County does give a free one-way bus ticket with the summons, and you are given a ticket for every day of duty.

But my garbage story…
My sister was a paralegal, and was stressing that Black people need to do jury duty, because thats why niggas stay locked up – the jury is all white salaried folks/retirees. If they are black, they work for the government and HAVE to go to jury duty or they will lose their jobs. I spent all day getting my named called , standing in a long assed line then being told that the case was dropped. I never saw a court room, but I did have to stay in the juror dungeon all day.

Side note – Dave Chapelle kept it real when he had that race reversal skit RE convictions. I onced watched some Frontline (or Dateline? 20/20? don’t remember) special about black and latino women being locked up for minor drug crimes. Either they were using to deal with the pain of being broke and black/brown, or they were selling drugs to wealthy white people in wealthy white areas and their trial therefore had to be in the neighborhood where the crime happened. They we doing DECADES for that BS. The next day, I was being held hostage at the beauty shop (damn you, micro braids!) watching Dr. Phil. It was all white women who were abusing prescription drugs (still a drug crime) because of the the pain of being a stay at home om with a wealthym husband living in the burbs. They occasionally panned to the audience (ie the jury) sobbing. You know these bitches wouldn’t do a day in jail, and wouldn’t even have to go to rehab half the time.

Same crime, different races, all bullsh!t.

15 05 2008
Angry v3.2b

I’m the only one that caught this…so I’ll do the blog thing posted before. Marshals only has one L: http://www.usmarshals.gov/

That, however, is neither here nor there. This blog is back on fucking track, and it’s hilarious! Fortunately I have yet to be selected for jury duty. When I do, though, I’ll be glad since I’m a salaried employee by the US government – not only do I continue to get paid, but I basically don’t have to be at work with no repercussions!

15 05 2008
Muse

The following statement is very Un-American of me, but I would prefer not to EVER serve on jury duty. In fact that is the problem with our whole legal system in our country. The majority of people called for jury duty have absolutely no desire to be there due to the shityt pay and valuable time taken out of your day. Is anyone feeling comfortable with juror making life changing legal decisions who don’t want to be there? That’s like getting treated with a doctor who would have preferred to be an actor.

15 05 2008
Merri Lee

Cheekie (16:28:13) :

Lost it @ Carlton. There can’t POSSIBLY be people out there (without being on drugs) that is that damn cheerful about jury duty, whether they’re on the opposite end of it all or not. Jury duty is just institionalized factory line hell.

Ask and ye shall receive

15 05 2008
Lauren

hot lawyer booty….YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!

15 05 2008
maya

I had been called for jury duty before. I almost forgot to go because I overslept. Needless to say, I have a healthy (neurotic) fear of law enforcement, so I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and flew over to the courthouse like a bat out of hell.

Chris, at least they let you go out into the public for lunch. Not us. We had to eat in the cafeteria, which was over priced and food that later gave me indigestion of life.

Not to mention that they don’t tell you anything about what’s going on. And again, at least you got a movie, I was forced to watch Fox News on the TV in the waiting room. Fox. That’s right. Fox News, no shower, and $12 for my time.

My favorite part of the day was when they asked if I had any close family that’d been arrested. When I read off the laundry list, they looked like they wanted to arrest me, too. Needless to say, it works every time.

15 05 2008
Muse

Not to hate or anything but most of the female lawyers I’ve met are kinda….ewww in the looks department. Maybe they clean up after a few years of working the nice six figure jobs?

15 05 2008
Muse

Besides the rules are the more education/advance degrees one obtains, the less attractive people become. Generally speaking…of course there are always exceptions to the rule.

I think the reverse is true for Black folks. I’ve seen some pretty hot PhDs running around.

15 05 2008
ndenise

YAY for hot Black women attorneys!!

15 05 2008
Merri Lee

Damn these R.Kelly Jokes! I have Dave Chapelle “Piss on You” stuck in my head.

16 05 2008
my2blackbabiesrbeautiful

I couldn’t even read your whole post because FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
I’ve been “on-fucking-call” for jury duty all week. They’re taking about 4 people a day and I gotta keep calling back! The fucking phone is busy from 4 pm until 4 fucking am and the fat bitch on the phone talks slow, like I’m in special ed or some shit. How do I know she’s fat? Because she talks like Missy Elliot. Like she’s gargling on pigs feet. I know what’s gonna happen too. Those mother fuckers are gonna tell me I need to report on Friday, then pick me for grand jury while I’m on summer vacation!

Well guess what? If defendant is white…..CONVICTED!

16 05 2008
urbantongue

Damn, my mom said jury duty was bad but…that’s just all kinds of what the fuck. I haven’t gotten a Jury summons yet. I am not interested in that tomfoolery.

16 05 2008
Angry v3.2b

@urbantongue – hahahahahahahahaha, tomfoolery….one of my favorite words.

16 05 2008
shabooty

ahah
this reminds me well for one, a) id never have to serve on a jury right -i can just say which site i webmaster,
and b) i was at a work conference this week –and I def feel what you’re saying in terms of the high-class booty …because it’s a wakeup call to see it in action vs where it’s non-existent the places we frequent, going out.
so I see this chick last night at the bar (afterparty)…from vegas.
(note that she was very hot)
I go …”o word you’re from vegas?! -isn’t vegas known for it’s whores?” .. *chicks brain slowly hitting a simmer*
“but, I heard the whores all under-cut each other on the prices.”

this is when the chick’s hot to sense of humor ratio falls flat.
and within 10 seconds I have evidence to prove a) she’s a cunty b) i’d be a creep, if only I wasn’t surrounded by 12 other creepIER guys.
c) LAUGH.
$

16 05 2008
Yonnie3K

LOL @ Sis T. I’m from The South. Never. Ever. Talk like that again.

16 05 2008
Sue Simmons Curses "What the F**k" and Apology | shabooty.com

[…] I have a way with women, right? […]

16 05 2008
Blue Eyed Angel /Government name:Angel

LOL@ angel

“However my brother served on a quick criminal case. Few weeks later saw the defendant on the #2 train. Took the long way home that day cause the jury found him guilty and my brother wasn’t sure if he recognized him. LOL.”..

I can’t even stop laughing..This will stay in my head for atleast a few hours..hahaha

With all the talk of warrants..They keep sending jury summons for me in the state of Cali..where I used to live..If they don’t send the warrant papers ,does that mean you have no warrant?.. Damn ..damn..damn…always something with the government..

And WTF @ having to re register in another state! If you are registered..why should you have to re register?? I thought you just had to update your address in the system..

16 05 2008
Shine

Damnit shabooty. You say this stuff in real life too? You are bat-fucking insane man. I mean I’m laughing when I see your sillyass in here but I don’t know if I’d react the same way if you catch me trying to put my professional on. I’d probably think you were creepy too. You can’t broadside people like that when they’re in their professional mindset.

16 05 2008
dynamicdiva

I feel ya Chris.. My jury duty experience was awful. I spent the whole day at the freaking court house to just find out that I didn’t get picked. Only then to be told that I had to keep calling back every day for the rest of the week. Um.. Someone posted earlier about the slow ass automated system. Same is true here for Georgia. Not cool!

16 05 2008
Funkyblackchick

“…All these chicks are wearing high heeled shoeses and those vertically striped booty-accentuating dress pants.”

I prefer vertically stripped booty-accentuating skirts.

Ironically, I’ve never received a jury duty summons (knock on wood). I put in enough court time as it is. As an attorney, I just look at some of the people sitting on jurys and think to myself, “Where the hell do they find these people??”

16 05 2008
8th Wonder

my2blackbabiesrbeautiful (00:05:44) :

“the fat bitch on the phone talks slow, like I’m in special ed or some shit. How do I know she’s fat? Because she talks like Missy Elliot. Like she’s gargling on pigs feet.”

LMAO LITERALLY.

16 05 2008
shabooty

shine-

trust me this cunty was not professional.
professional cunty is like jumbo-shrimp.
cause to be a professional broad, you gotta leave your cuntyness at home.

16 05 2008
Cheekie

@Merri Lee

Re: The link you posted.

Well, damn. Talk about coming full circle. Hilarious.

Né (15:59:18) :

Judge Whogivesaflyingfuck (cant wait for her show on the cw)

I’d definitely tune in to that.

16 05 2008
Stephanie

You know, I read this post and it’s the exact same thing as in Baltimore. The same surly clerks. The same chipper Carlton Banks dude. And yes, I totally watched “While You Were Sleeping” the last time I was at Jury Duty.

However, my U.S. Marshall was actually a really hot Hispanic Maryland State Trooper. And I would have asked him out but, oh yeah, I was pissed at being at Jury Duty.

I got out of it by being a teacher. Someone’s gotta teach the kids.

16 05 2008
mrspen

you are going to hell for Figure 3…and i’ll see you there because i am literraly crying for laughing so hard. i know a couple of guys who do that work and you got it SO right.

16 05 2008
mrspen

oops make that LITERALLY

and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA @ How do I know she’s fat? Because she talks like Missy Elliot. Like she’s gargling on pigs feet.

16 05 2008
No Jury Duty

I’m 24, and I’ve never been called to jury duty in my life. I’m not counting on it, either. When the time comes, I’ll probably try to make up some excuse to get out of it…

16 05 2008
klysha

LMAO! This was so on point! I work for the government so I had to go to jury duty. But I’m salaried so I didn’t lose any money. I didn’t get picked but they made me stay in that awful room all day waiting. As boring as my job usually is at least I get to screw around on the internet sometimes (like I’m doing now) to pass the time. All I could do in that jury pool room was try to sleep and send text messages to people on the outside so they could share in my misery.

16 05 2008
rai

I swear I want to meet the author. . . too funny.

17 05 2008
ph2072

Got my jury summons last year. I was so pissed. First of all, I had to get up at the crack of fucking dawn (which is annoying because I make my own work hours) and take the fucking train with guess who?….. all the little bastards going to school and all the adults who were just as annoyed as me at having to be on the train, going to the jobs that they probably hate, with a bunch of loud little bastards. And I already hate the fucking train so that made it worse, AND I had to go through the same “little bastards, annoyed adults” routine when I went home. Second of all, it was a beautiful day outside and I was annoyed that I had to spend damn near 8 hours of my life in a cold-ass, way-too-much-air-conditioning juror’s lounge. And third, since I couldn’t bring food with me I had to eat some gross unhealthy fucking fast food on the street. Ugh.

I was able to get out of it because of the nature of the work I do – I’m on call 24 hours a day just in case one of my bad ass kids decides to blow a gasket and fuck something or someone up. :-/ I won’t have to go through that shit again until 2015.

19 05 2008
Dantresomi

This is when you realize something very interesting about black female attorneys:

1. They are hot
2. They are everywhere

AMEN to that

26 07 2008
riz

I’m glad that I found this post. I know it’s old, so opinions may have changed, but I’m 2 days away from the Bar exam, and one other post mentioned hating attorneys and, well, I think I clenched my fist and broke my pencil in hand. Recognizing that female attorneys look hot in pinstripes doesn’t quite rectify the blanket assumptions made about all lawyers who don’t practice family law; however, it does keep me from cutting fools just off GP.

P.S. Um, also, don’t imagine that all family lawyers are these benevolent warriors of social justice. A lot of them are just making $$ of divorces. At least corporate lawyers don’t wreck families.

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