Fake CEOs

8 05 2008

Quite some time ago, Stuff Educated Black People Like offered a post on Conferences (this post has since been inexplicably removed from the site). I railed lightheartedly upon this post in my now-infamous Master’s Degrees post. I can’t believe that during that tirade I failed to mention the single most offensive part of attending a motherfucking conference:

Meeting a bunch of self-proclaimed executives.

Anyone that’s ever attended any networking event of any kind has been victimized by uncountably many idiots passing out business cards that list their title as:

  1. CEO
  2. President
  3. Chairman
  4. President and CEO
  5. His Majesty and Liege Lord of All Surveyed By His Eyes

They will give themselves these titles even when they have no employees, no partners, no elected officers, no board, and (very commonly) no fucking revenue. This is what makes entrepreneurship such a giant pain in the ass – you’re bound to meet other entrepreneurs out of necessity, a good 90% of them will introduce themselves with one of the bullshit titles above, and for some reason the cops have the nerve to arrest YOU when you stab them in the eye with the free letter opener that came in your conference bag.

Figure 1: That black dude wants to kill everybody in the room

What’s amazing about this phenomenon is how ironic it is. People give themselves the CEO title in an effort to sound important, wealthy, and powerful, but at the same time they (should) know full well that anyone running around telling people they’re a CEO is the exact opposite of all of these. Real CEOs don’t make deals and connections at a fucking minority business conference, you fucking asshole. They make deals on the yacht of some rich guy named Sven who signs your $20 million contract while snorting coke out of a hookers navel.

These fake CEOs are the same ones that pull up to the club in their entry-level luxury car (BMW 3 series, Mecedes C class, Infiniti G35, Audi A4, etc.) while wearing their Banana Republic jeans-and-blazer combo in an attempt to delude themselves/others into thinking they’re wealthy…when in reality they’re just one missed paycheck away from losing their shirts and getting kicked out of their shared apartments by their greasy-haired roommates. Ironically, most chicks don’t see the reality for what it is and they actually fall for the bullshit of the fake CEO. This system of positive reinforcement is exactly why the fake CEO continues to exist and, by extension, is why my blood is always at a rolling boil.

Aside: CUFFS

As a reaction against the behavior of the Fake CEO*, I developed and currently live by a system called CUFFS – Condoning of Ubiquitous and Ferocious Financial Spite. CUFFS is a program designed exclusively for up and coming (or already-came-up) men, and serves a threefold purpose:

  1. to demonstrate that indicators of wealth are often (and usually) misleading
  2. to demonstrate that people who do not feel the need to exhibit displays of wealth may indeed be the wealthiest of all (it should be noted that certain white people, Jews, and Arabs have been doing this for decades)
  3. to promote humility among the financially successful, or those on their way to financial success

Practically speaking, CUFFS involves controlling and minimizing superficial displays of wealth and class, such as cars, clothing, gadgets, speech, and other outward facing items – so people who actively subscribe to CUFFS are said to “be wearing CUFFS**.” The oath of the CUFFSman is as follows:

  • I shall evermore shun symbols of wealth and class to the greatest extent possible, insofar as doing so does not interfere with building further wealth

The qualifying clause in the oath is important, because it permits CUFFSmen to a.) own smartphones (needed to check bidnass-related email on the go thereby building wealth), and b.) own well-appointed homes in good locations (making property more attractive to renters so the CUFFSman can accumulate multiple properties over time instead of always selling his personal residence as soon as he gets tired of it). It’s also important because it allows me to be a hypocrite and get away with it.

For those esteemed and highly principled folks looking to wear some CUFFS themselves, here are a four practical ways to get started:

1.) Start using public transportation. Hop your ass on the subway or bus and let somebody else do the driving while you spend your morning commute reading, working, or disciplining other people’s children.

Figure 2: There are at least 60 kids on this train in need of a beating

2.) Buy a shittier car. You don’t have to drive a Gremlin to wear cuffs – you just need to own a regular car that does not exude wealth. You can even buy a new car. Nearly any Honda or Toyota will suffice for those testing the waters of CUFFS. When you’re ready to dive a little deeper, pick up a used Saturn or Kia. When the bottom is in sight, grab something fucked up like an old deuce and a quarter with holes in the floor. When you finally reach the bottom of the abyss, sell your car(s) outright and start running everywhere.

Figure 3: This might be pushing it a little

3.) Sell your jewelry. Jewerly is for girls anyway, and it makes you look like a fucking asshole. With the exception of wedding rings and class rings, pile up all your precious stones/metals sell it on eBay, or stuff it in a heavy duty sock and go around town beating Fake CEOs bloody with it (Homey the Clown style) until the cops catch you. Then sell it on eBay.

Figure 4: This could, and probably should, be you

4.) Alter your dress. Don’t throw away your suits, because you’ll need them to make more money. But make sure you wear those suits as infrequently as possible. Don’t dress like a hobo; you just want to look good without wearing anything that says “I PAID $60 FOR THIS T-SHIRT!” The master CUFFSman will buy from high-end places infamous for having their pompous logo shamelessly emblazoned all over their garments (Armani is a great example), but will ONLY buy those few items that carry no indication of the designer at all. All the expense with none of the reward, and for no apparent reason. That is spite, and that is the true essence of CUFFS.

Figure 5: Again, don’t get fucking carried away

* This is also a reaction against in-your-face intellectuals and people in general who display an utter lack of humility

** ‘Wearing Cuffs’ also works on a metaphorical level for men, because subscribing to this philosophy will significantly restrain your ability to attract women, and will cost you more pussy than you could possibly even begin to imagine.