Segways

7 05 2008

I was running near the south side of the White House yesterday when I was nearly run over by some fat fucking woman on a Segway. For those who don’t know what a Segway is, it’s a transportation device used by healthy people to mock the handicapped.

Figure 1: You have legs. USE EM!

Any person without a physical disability caught on one of these goddamn things should be arrested and punished by having his legs amputated, or at least be classified as legally retarded (as should anyone who feels the need to wear a helmet while traveling at walking speed).

For those who haven’t encountered them personally, there are two types of Segway douches:

1.) The Owner

This is the rare assfuck who shells out upwards of $5,000 for the privilege of pretending his legs don’t work. You’ll see a surprisingly large number of these motherfuckers careening around the streets of DC, barely or not at all avoiding running people over as they make their way from their Capitol Hill row house to whatever government building they’re going to sit in for eight hours avoiding real work and filling with acidic suck the lives of millions of Americans. The most infuriating part about the Segway owner is the fact that my tax dollars are subsidizing his laziness in a vicious conspiratorial circle of financial waste:

Figure 2: How the government uses your money

2.) The Tourist

Here’s how the typical American fatass winds up in my city on a Segway and ruins my day in ten easy steps:

  1. Asshole from Iowa finishes making love to his sister
  2. Sister/Wife (Swife) suggests “Woooo WHEE! I THANKS WE SHUUUD TAKE UH VACATION!”
  3. Husband and Swife pack up their four inbred children and hop in their 20 year old station wagon
  4. Along the way, they pick up standard white man tourist gear: neon ball cap with wide brim, extra large sunglasses, fannie pack, khaki shorts, high rise socks, and “rugged” leather hiking sandals
  5. The Clampetts arrive in DC, avoiding the SE quadrant of the city at all costs and arriving at the Mayflower Hotel
  6. The Clampetts are fat from decades of eating mayonnaise sandwiches, and are afraid their feet may explode if they walk too far. They sign up for a Segway tour.
  7. Ethiopian cab driver takes advantage of arcane zoning system to charge $12 dollars to take the Clampetts the 1/2 mile to downtown DC to join the tour
  8. The Clampetts plop down $100 per person to join 40 other lazy idiots just like themselves and roll down the sidewalk with them in unison like a platoon of overweight cyborgs, relishing in the envious looks they receive from pied-à-terre fatties and the looks of disgust from non-fatties who aren’t too lazy to walk
  9. The eldest daughter, Susie Clampett, is losing control of her Segway near the Old Executive Office Building because she is a.) a gastropod, and b.) an inbred retard. She yells to her father “Uncle Daddy! What’s wrong with this thang?!?!” as it turns violently to the right, makes a U turn, and nearly causes her to run over a nearby mulatto runner.
  10. Mulatto runner now has to increase pace significantly to stay ahead of the mobile death squad, because they are following his route. 2 miles later his body quits on him; vomits in front of confused/horrified children and their parents.

Oh well. At least I can take some comfort in this:

When it was launched in December 2001 the annual sales target was 40,000 units, and the company expected to sell 50,000 to 100,000 units in the first 13 months. Segway Inc’s investors were optimistic. Inventor Dean Kamen predicted that the Segway “will be to the car what the car was to the horse and buggy” and John Doerr, a venture capitalist who invested in the company, predicted that Segway Inc would be the fastest company to reach $1 billion in sales. In fact only about 30,000 Segways were sold from 2001 to 2007.

Critics point to Segway Inc’s silence over its financial performance as an indication that the company is still not profitable, as about $100 million was spent developing the Segway.

-from Wikipedia

Figure 3: Think about it…

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129 responses

7 05 2008
Funkyblackchick

A few weeks ago I was on The Mall area and out of nowhere, 3 segways crashed into each other! I’m not sure if anyone was injured or not, the tears from my laughter prevented me from caring.

7 05 2008
letinstar

i hate this creation…the rent a cops at the cambridge galleria mall uses this mode of transport to get around while they wear houseshoes and comminicate by walkie talkie…i’ve felt the wind of this contraption very near my ankles on more than obe occassion….

7 05 2008
Lady

Seeing people on those was like the first time Stewie saw Joe & his wheelchair.. I didn’t know what to do, a little scared, a little intrigued.. it just looks wrong.. there is no body movement involved at all… how lazy.. I’m glad they’re not selling.. what a waste

7 05 2008
letinstar

comminicate = communicate…breakfast hasn’t kicked in yet…grrr

7 05 2008
letinstar

i see another one of my typos…i’m stepping away…

7 05 2008
Lindsay

LMAO @ “Uncle Daddy!”

Oh, Chris, as a fellow Terp, thought you might be interested to learn that the “auxiliary police” at Maryland now use Segways to “patrol the campus.”

7 05 2008
Funkyblackchick

@ Lindsey..as a present “Terp”…a few weeks ago, one of their own had an accident on campus…got the photos to prove it..lol

7 05 2008
PrettyPiscesGirl

The first time I saw one of those things…I was both amazed and appalled at the complete stupidity of the contraption. How LAZY do you have to be to ride on one of them? Disabled people should protest this mockery…and BTW, I’m surprised that fat people can even stay up on them without toppling the fuck over from the sheer massiveness of their girth.

7 05 2008
Shine

Swife! heeheehee

What is the point of the segway? I hate standing on my feet all day whether or not I’m moving. They swell and hurt and then I feel like I’m 55 but without the benefits of 10% off at the local Shoney’s breakfast buffet. If I’m going to be too lazy to walk, I’m damnit going to be all the ways lazy and sit my ass down. Get an electric wheelchair, a go-kart, shit hop on the damn bus. There’s no point to a segway.

A segway is like a man wearing heels. If you don’t have to why would you?

7 05 2008
stuffgirlslike

I have only seen the on Television, I do not think it is legal to drive one of those on British Streets. yet.

Do they use them on Pavements?

http://stuffgirlslike.wordpress.com

7 05 2008
indigo.royalblue

hahaha @ Swife, you shoulda followed it up w/ Brusband! lol

7 05 2008
Lindsay

@ funkyblackchiq –

Good. I always thought they were a waste of students’ money…especially since I haven’t seen auxiliary police actually do anything…*shrug* maybe I just was in the right places at the right times.

What year are you? I graduated last year.

7 05 2008
KindredSmile

Bwhahaha @ Uncle Daddy – that just made my morning!

Oh, and here in Chicago, the male meter maids (Metermen? ha! alliteration) use them and routinely fall because of a crack in the sidewalk. It’s splendid.

7 05 2008
sarah

there is a segway store right next to my office. its always packed with tourists and they teach them how to ride in the park across the street. i wish my job would pay for a segway tour 😦

7 05 2008
Esquire

Do you really have to wear a helmet?

One of our local politicians is famous for using one to campaign door to door.

Which kind of defeats the whole grass roots notion of knocking on doors in the heat, rain, through grass, dirt, and running from dogs.

Of note: Another reason for me to hate P.Diddy. He has one and drives it through his office. I bet that asshole Bob Johnson has one too.

7 05 2008
benjie

the security guards @ king of prussia mall have them too.

i always wondered how secure the mall actually is
i mean
a shoplifter can just…run faster and proceed to get away.

smh.

7 05 2008
imaG

Ive only seen 1. Those things are so lame and I’m loving the tax diagram. Lazy asses

http://www.anythingblack.net

7 05 2008
Knatural

Swife AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. In general, tourists refuse to move their feet. This is why they stand on the left side of Metro escalators. DC is small, certainly small enough to walk from the National Mall to the Air & Space Museum to the White House, since that’s where tourists go anyway.
Why do cops need Segways?

7 05 2008
shabooty

i wonder if anyone has a segway fetish…ya know like a crush fetish…instead of like getting stepped on your back with high-heels, ya get run over by a segway…
no?

7 05 2008
the elahater

Univ. of MD police bought some segways a couple years ago, ya know, to combat “crime” and such… If I was being chased by one of them, I would just run up a flight of stairs.

—http://hateonme.wordpress.com

7 05 2008

omg I saw a security guard who was standing 7’30” on one of these things in the mall. He had this “top flight security of the world” look on his face, like a proud thunder cat. Seeing it made my stomach hurt!

7 05 2008
Funkyblackchick

@ Lindsey….I haven’t been a student there in years…I have an office there.

7 05 2008

————>SWIFE<—————
::WENT TO THE UPPER ROOM @ 8:34 AM CST::

7 05 2008
Bailey Blues

Swife…LMAO!

I hate Segways. I used to work right off the mall and every tourist would cruise around on one of those. Just walk!

7 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

Somebody wanna tell me how someone found my site by typing:

“porn woman boy parts boobs”

into a search engine?

7 05 2008
benjie

LMAO

thats because we have waaaaay to many convo’s about sex

so with that being said…

who’s starting it off today?

7 05 2008

ALL THE REASONS I WILL NEVER RETURN TO THIS SITE :

Along the way, they pick up standard white man tourist gear: neon ball cap with wide brim, extra large sunglasses, fannie pack, khaki shorts, high rise socks, and “rugged” leather hiking sandals :
(why is this so true, they wera this get up and it never changes)

The Clampetts:(Perfect name) arrive in DC, ….

The Clampetts are fat from decades of eating mayonnaise sandwiches, and are afraid their feet may explode if they walk too far. They sign up for a Segway tour. ( came alive just to die again)

Ethiopian (why must I CRY?) cab driver takes advantage of arcane zoning system to charge $12 dollars to take the Clampetts the 1/2 mile to downtown DC to join the tour
The Clampetts plop down $100 per person to join 40 other lazy idiots

My favorite:
“Uncle Daddy! What’s wrong with this thang?!?!”

you made my morning!

7 05 2008
letinstar

@ chris…what search engine are you using? i went to google and your site didn’t come up for me…maybe i should try to search in booble…lol

7 05 2008
7 05 2008
Ed The Sports Fan

‘The most infuriating part about the Segway owner is the fact that my tax dollars are subsidizing his laziness in a vicious conspiratorial circle of financial waste:’

True, true, and true. I’m a big boy and I wouldn’t even ride those things.

-Ed.

7 05 2008
Shine

@Chris you should probably direct your attentions to my favorite sistas on this site Mrs. Epps and Sista Toldja for that search hit. Oh and also shabooty* of whom I have much love. Didn’t we spend all day yesterday throwing virtual panties at you and discussing how Mrs. Epps was going to put you in a sugar coma. In fact 5 points to the person who can turn a topic of lazy fat tourists on segways into sex and/or porn.

*Actually much more attention should be paid to shabooty for this.

7 05 2008
Merri Lee

What I really hate about Segways is that now parking cops use them instead of those old school Smartcar/ice cream truck buggies they used to drive. They can issue tickets about 5X faster in a Segway, since they don’t have to find a place to park their little buggy and get off their behinds and walk from car to car. Yup, your tax dollars at work.

7 05 2008

HAPPY HUMP DAY.

I BROUGHT IN THE MORNING WITH SOME GOOD……..

7 05 2008
shabooty

i thought i already ‘segwayed’ into perversion in my first comment…
i brought up the famed “crush fetish”
duhhh

crush porn:

Any variety of pornography in which images of items being crushed under the feet of women or men is the main draw. Crushings may of a stomping, violent nature. Often, items include male genetalia, and small rodents and insects. Crush has been tied to S&M, BDSM and the foot fetish. Female participants in Crush often wear stiletto heels, or the foot may otherwise be glamorized. Either participant can achieve gratification from a Crush, depending on one’s interests.

so i was curious if anyone had the fetish of being crushed with a segway.
$$$$

7 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

I get the feeling that Shabooty will one day be my Jeremiah Wright.

7 05 2008
shabooty

Chris is a long-legged mac-daddy.

7 05 2008
brran1

I heard about a guy here in Baltimore gettin robbed while he was on a segway once. He called himself trying to speed away but the dudes that were robbing him just threw rocks in front of the segway, causing him to crash. Needless to say they took his money and the segway. smh

7 05 2008
Shine

Shabooty you can’t be in the competition. Otherwise you would win all the time. You have too many points.

7 05 2008
Shine

In fact you can only score points if you say something that wont get blocked by a parent guard.

7 05 2008
CEASE

letinstar…your from the bean huh? cambridge side gally is a gully ass mall…segways suck. wish this post was funnier tho, good days and bad ehhh

7 05 2008
shabooty

lol… i ly in wait…. with a ball hanging out.

7 05 2008
indigo.royalblue

AHAHAHAHA @ brran, i would be sooooo ashamed to show my face around town if that happened.

7 05 2008
missF

Swife?!?!? Haha..thats so funny…thank god segways are not in india, otherwise there would be more road accidents due to the traffic but hey, that would also reduce the population(not much though)…anyway, great post

7 05 2008
Muse

If my 87 year old grandmother can walk without assistance when we go on vacation, then some fat lazy fucktard on a Segway has no freaking excuse. I hate those things! This post reminds me why I appreciate living in Los Angeles. Fat people are shamed into staying indoors because all the skinny/fit folks will make them feel sub-human if they dare to show their face in public. A person riding around in a Segway in LA will definetly get clowned.

7 05 2008
Sylph

@shabooty

I’m always in the mood for crushed nuts.

I’d cry if I saw anyone in NYC riding on Segway. You’re asking to get your ass kicked.

7 05 2008
Sylph

…then again some idiot might try to be cool and put some rims on the thing.

People who ride on Segways are just as irritating as the folks who take the elevator to the second floor of the building. You mean to tell me that you waited a good 10-15 minutes for an elevator when you could’ve already been where you needed to go by going up a flight of stairs? Do steps scare you?
Jamming on the elevator button doesn’t make it go faster either. Unless your hands were blessed by the power of Otis, cut the shit out.

7 05 2008
Shine

@slyph, you only get 1 point because you segued offa shabooty. Yay I got to use the real segue.

7 05 2008
london

i didn’t think these things were real… let alone have a name…
i thought it was a legend type april fool’s day thing..
i have never seen one…
maybe it’s just your lot who buy them?
you would be pelted with bottles in london riding one of those things…
it would be akin to those people who ride those bikes lying on their backs…
tossers…

7 05 2008
urbantongue

Those things are incredibly dumb. Just another advocate for a sedentary lifestyle. smh.

7 05 2008
Merri Lee

^^^^^^^^^Sylph, I am crying.

7 05 2008
Esquire

@ Slyph

I used the elevator every goddamned day when I was pregnant to go to the 2nd floor. But then again, I held my stomach when I was 4 weeks, and pretended to be stressed out a lot. lol. Im upsurd.

ahhh motherhood.

7 05 2008
Dani

“I get the feeling that Shabooty will one day be my Jeremiah Wright.”

That is the understatement of the century…

As for the Segway, I was at a resturaunt and I saw an older (regular sized)gentleman who was walking with a cane get on a segway and zip on out….that made my day…they do have a purpose they’re just abused….kinda like sizzurp

7 05 2008
Ethel

I tried searching “Clampetts and crush porn” but search was too varied.

7 05 2008
Mr. Smith

The police on my campus ride segways. I’m waiting for the day some kid is running away from the cops while they’re him on one saying “stop! freeze!”

7 05 2008
stuffgirlslike

How slow are those things?

If there is no spped, why do people bother?

London I did not know what those things were called.

7 05 2008
cmoore

i have seen police officers/ security guard(robo cops) on these things…with a helmet!!! they dont need the segway, they all need short buses!!!

7 05 2008
Sister Toldja

SWIFE??????

True story- One of my best friends and I were walking in DC and see a guy on a segway. This fool tells me “I’m gonna invent a segway with a chair”. He was dead serious. I’m like “A wheelchair?”

Ever the comedian, the next time we saw a guy in a wheelchair he shouts and him and waves his fists: “YOU STOLE MY IDEA!”

7 05 2008
Knatural

A segway goes about 12mph (almost the speed of sound) so that’s why they wear helmets. And the folks who refuse to climb one flight of stairs, pure laziness. I love when people show their frustration of broken escalators, especially the shorter 14ft ones. Just walk, it’s ok, nothing bad will happen to you, promise.

7 05 2008
Knatural

@Esquire, you are absurd 😀
I thought walking during pregnancy was good.

7 05 2008
Sylph

@Esquire

Pregnant women are exempt, especially when you’re nearing the last trimester. I should’ve stated that. But if your legs are working and you’re able to walk to push the button, you can take the stairs.

I’m so stealing ‘swife’.

7 05 2008
Laurel

Yeah, those things are weird. I don’t understand the need for them at all — I guess except for the mall cops.

7 05 2008
maya

benjie,

i’ve seen those cops at KOP on segways. i never really understood what their purpose was, and always figured they had a gauge that allowed for increased speed. lie to you not, i saw one fool making figure 8s with it.

7 05 2008
Dom

The cops use Segways here in Boston, but then again they also use horses to patrol the hood so Im not really surprised.

As annoying as Segways are, its even more annoying seeing lazy ass people using those damn Hover-Rounds and electric wheelchairs. Where I went to school in NC it was like they gave one to every freaking house.

7 05 2008
sarah

I love when people show their frustration of broken escalators, especially the shorter 14ft ones. Just walk, it’s ok, nothing bad will happen to you, promise.

the escalators were broken coming out of my station this morning and the line at the usually deserted elevators was incredibly long. i just shook my head.

7 05 2008
Esquire

@sylph

yes, but I had no right during the first and second.

@knatural
Walking during pregnancy IS good. But so is having people open doors and carry things you are perfectly able to handle and complaining about your back and (non existent) swollen ankles when there aint a damn thing wrong.

Hey, I RODE that pregnancy wave. I actually had a blissful, easy, pain free pregnancy. My nose didnt get fat and my boobs didnt swell to look like watermelons. I didnt really gain any weight or have terrible cravings. I had to make up reasons to get sympathy. (sigh)

7 05 2008
Shine

ooh no I just remembered those electric grocery store carts. I have NEVER seen an old person, disabled or injured person use one. Its always some morbidly obese person blocking up the ice cream aisle. And then still has the nerve to send childrent to run up other aisles to look for some chocolate sauce.

7 05 2008
Esquire

Dom,

Dont fuck with a cop on a horse. They are more dangerous that the ones in cars.

A horse will KICK YOUR ASS if the smell of that little bag of shit attached to thier booties doesnt kill you first.

7 05 2008
Knatural

“horses to patrol the hood”, like a plantation overseer?
@Sarah, I shake my head, too. Why ride in a small, stinky, box-of-death when you can walk.

7 05 2008
london

i love horses…
i used to ride..
cops on horses are all around the financial district over here…
the horses love me…
the cops… ‘not so much’ but at least i am not of arab extraction or my ass would be slung in jail…
it’s the way you approach them….
i dream of unicorns too… very deep stuff
and i am not sure why i am telling you that… it may be the pink spritzers i have had…
*hears scythes sharpening but thinks you can all fuck off with your comments about it – bovvered!…*

7 05 2008
Merri Lee

@ shine – and don’t you love it when fatty on the scooter asks you to get something on the shelf that s/he can’t reach? No, I will NOT pass you the Honey Buns

7 05 2008
benjie

maya- i used to work @ KOP (who didn’t?) i swear the security guards there are all retarded. have you ever seen the young black dude who screams “STOP” and “GO” at people like he’s a real policeman?

the police here
(at whom btw i am extremely pissed with cause of that beating the other day. don’t get me started. one of the men in the car has no priors, yet his bail is 300,000. wtf??)
they use the mounted patrol during the greek weekend. which to me adds to the crowd control problem, b/c of instead of just squeezing through the crowd, i have to squeeze through and pass a horse.

that makes no sense.

7 05 2008
Knatural

AHAHAHAHA…remember when Bush fell off his Segway; that shows the kind of individual who rides these things. Idiot.

7 05 2008
SOB

knatural “DC is small, certainly small enough to walk from the National Mall to the Air & Space Museum to the White House, since that’s where tourists go anyway. ”

Ok I work in SW (right around all the museums) and have to cross through the Mall to get home and everyday F’IN day at 5:25pm this damn Sedgeway tour crosses my path and it’s always the Clampetts but from Wisconsin!!! I hate them because they stop me from making a right on red cuz I have to wait for their slow asses to pass! But the pedistrians on foot move faster than their asses.

And they use those Sedgeways at Pentagon City Mall too!!

7 05 2008
Esquire

@Merri Lee
and don’t you love it when fatty on the scooter asks you to get something on the shelf that s/he can’t reach? No, I will NOT pass you the Honey Buns.

Thats just wrong.

7 05 2008
maya

benjie –

yes, i def. worked @ KOP, too. don’t get me started.

yes, i’ve seen that guy! i’m always the jackass who honks my horn at him when i’m waiting. i have no respect.

re: Phila. Police – don’t wanna have that convo, either. i’m wondering why the effective police work implimented to find cop killers isn’t used more consistently across the board. i dont like being murder capital.

7 05 2008
Lolo

I daydream of being able to trigger a malfunction on a herd of Segway riding Clampetts. ::zzzzzzzzooooooooooomcrasssshhhh!!::

Someone needs to get on that, right now.

7 05 2008
benjie

maya-
every time i see him i burst into uncontrollable giggle fits
sometimes i even point.
he’s just so… serious.

and it doesn’t help that he’s like 240 and his pants fit as if he should be 140.
he knows his balls can’t breathe.

it’s gonna be a crazy summer.
they’re already stopping people who “resemble” floyd (the suspect). pretty soon its gonna be stop & frisk…

7 05 2008
Uncle Ruckus

I appreciate the Segway fuh a numbah a reasons

Numbah 1: It allows cuntry white folk to get wheah they need ta go without walkin on they precious feets.

Numbah 2: Dahkies can’t afford um

Numbah 3: They allow white folks to get around much easieah than the minorities in this cuntry

Numbah 5: Um…got to be sumthin…ah yea: The white cops can get around fastuh, allowin them to catch you dahkies who ah no doubt up to no good..stealing tvs and strangling white women and such. Neveahmind that they only go a about 12 miles per hour and the average dahkie can run twice that. They used to it, aftuh all they always in trouble with the law.

All Praise the Lord White Jesus

Amen

7 05 2008
NotBlonde

Oh the segway..I have a professor here who is like a million years old and he flies down this super steep hill on it on campus. I keep wondering when, not if, he will totally wipe out on it.

And about the fatties on the hoverarounds: my mom was asked by a fatty if she could get, not even kidding, some Ho-Hos down from the top shelf. My mom looked at her, then at her basket of chips, soda and various “meat” products, shook her head and then kept walking. My mom does not play that shit.

7 05 2008
Lindsay

Here we go… :cT

7 05 2008
Riley Freeman

Man, Imma get me a segway. I’ll roll up to all da shorties and holla at em. They gone be like, “Damn, I aight know you could put 22s on a segway!” I’m gon be like, “Yeah bitch, that’s how I roll.”

7 05 2008
Riley Freeman

Oh, and Ruckus. Learn ta count nigga.

7 05 2008
Merri Lee

I’m still trying to figure out why supermarkets have those. If you ARE disabled, you already have one. I guess their profits go up 10X since fatties aren’t forced to walk around the store.

7 05 2008
shabooty

oh btw when i was living at my parent’s house –despite most commenters assumptions this was in the past not present –our next door neighbor had a segway …their excuse was ‘ohhh this one was the one on the show room flooor soo oooh we got a nice discount on it’ —the only time i got to ride it was drunk after a block party bbq…. that mother f-er is a bitch to ride drunk for your first time….i’ll tell ya waht!

7 05 2008
maya

benjie –

i am related to at least 3 people who resemble floyd.

it’s gonna be a long summer.

have you seen the new “enhanced photo” released by the police where they take his facial hair off?

stop and frisk – it’s just a matter of time. one day we’re in philadelphia, the next it’s soweto.

7 05 2008
Shine

5 points shabooty. And are you masquerading as the cast of the boondocks?

@Merri Lee, yea I get mad when the people in the carts ask me to move out of the way like I’m the one who’s blocking up the aisle. The grocery thing is useful if you’re walking around on crutches or you’ve got emphysema or mad old or something and pushing the cart and walking around all day is difficult.

7 05 2008
Esquire

I am going to use one of the Grocery cart Wheelchairs today. Consider me doing a Tyra Banks investigation on the life of a fatty.

I will report back on how useful it really is and how many people looked at me nasty. This should be interesting. May change my life forever.

7 05 2008
Merri Lee

I’m going to invent something for people traveling distances too far to walk but too short to drive. It’ll have two wheels. I’m thinking of calling it a “bicycle.”

7 05 2008
Esquire

Sorry I am NOT wearing a fat suit

7 05 2008
mrspen

damn. i laughed through this entire post.
that cycle graphic of your taxes at work is a classic!

on to the comments…

7 05 2008
WryBeauty

Good Lord…people on Segways make me want to destroy them with the cleansing power of fire. Ugh! Just how lazy have we gotten?

7 05 2008
scarletjones

The douches in DC gotta step their game up! the new nerd/douche ish is the Powerbocks

7 05 2008
Knatural

Yeah, but at least with PowerBocks you’re moving your legs/feet. Segways are logy, ugly, and perpetuate laziness. And I know lazy.

7 05 2008
Angry v3.2b

Houseshoes in public, lol.

Presidential Fail.

7 05 2008
Ethel

@ Merri Lee~
Brilliant on the bicycle idea. I was thinking more of a two-wheeled foldable contraption I could take on the train…I’d call it a razor or something similar

7 05 2008
ndenise

How apropos.
Just last Sunday, while doing an 8mile charity walk, a friend was telling me how much he wish he had a Segway. How cool it’d be to have one. How he’d prefer a Segway to a car. How he’d be finished with the walk by now if he had a Segway. Yadda yadda yadda. I laughed and mentioned how the Segway was supposed to be the transpo of the future, but clearly it tanked.
He’s still pining away for one.

It’s so great you wrote this because I think Segways suck as well as helmets (generally).

7 05 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

Jesus, Gawd I hate them AND the hover-rounds and grocery store things. It’s always some fatass in them that wouldn’t be nearly as fat if they walked somewhere.*

These are also the same assholes fighting over the parking spots closest to the entrance of wherever they’re going. I never understood that. You still have to walk to the entrance, with your dumb, lazy ass. A few extra yards will not matter.

*I am fat. But not as fat as the people I’m talking about. Nonetheless, being fat qualifies me to rail on other fatties w/o as much bias, LOL.

7 05 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

Merri Lee, ooh ooh ooh, may I PLEASE be a participant in the focus group for this new thing your gonna make? What’d you call it? A BICYCLE? I promise to ride it everywhere, honest!

I also solemnly swear to run into Segway users. Several times apiece.

7 05 2008

A dickhead (literally) on a segway with a helmet on, behind a curtain would look like the silhouette of a penis.

yelow bus helmet=head
the body= the shaft
the wheels=nuts

8 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

I hate Segways thats the laziest shit I have ever seen.. ONLY IN AMERICA.. There’s this kid on campus that rolls around on that shit like he was VAn Wilder in his golfcart minus the Indian assistant. Im waiting for his ass to fall down some stairs. Who ever invented that thing should get his legs chopped off. You might as well get a damn Scooter. Uncle Daddy bwhahahahha classic!

8 05 2008
avid fan from iowa

man that was harsh…Are you sure they weren’t from another state? I ask because the inbred folks from Iowa would not be able to afford the gas to drive to D.C. and would have NO inclination whatsoever to visit a city that will not accomidate them with water parks or NASCAR. They tend to get their culture in Branson, Missouri.

8 05 2008
Sister Toldja

I heard “Floyd” was in Brick CIty. They had helicopters and massive cop cars around my job Monday. Luckily, I was chilling at home in Brooklyn.

OMG, powerbocks! BWHAHAHAHA! Low key, I would like to try them. At least its excercisey, right?

You know what I REALLY want? Heelys. I can even fit the largest child size ones, but when I tried them on two years ago, I couldn’t figure out how to move! I would be so raw with em though! Picture me ROLLIN!

Why i didn’t know that Usher had them on in that video? What a disappointment, I just thought that man had moves.

8 05 2008
letinstar

@ cease…if by “gully” you mean nasty, then yes, the cambridge galleria mall is dirty mall, but it’s the closest mall to get to by public transportation if you live in boston…

8 05 2008
Natalie

I don’t know why I have yet to see a kid wearing those “Heelys” fall flat on their asses or lose control and fly into a busy parking lot and I have been patiently waiting for the past year and a half for this to happen. My dream of seeing them take out an entire fruit stand is now shot to shit because they’ve since banned Heely use in supermarkets =(

8 05 2008
benjie

ST-
that’s the rumor.
it was all in the papers that they stopped a train for an hour in newark to search for him. all I keep thinking about is how pissed I would’ve been if I were on that train.

my friends and I have a theory that he is already long gone somewhere. but then again they found the last dude in a homeless shelter so who knows.

8 05 2008
Anmarie

“lol… i ly in wait…. with a ball hanging out” hehehehehee that’s funny

8 05 2008
Shine

Man I wanted heelys too. Although I am much slower on the uptake because I saw them online first and tried ordering them in boys (note: men’s) sizes and they were sold out. And I was wondering why they didn’t come in women’s sizes past 6. Tells you my maturity level that I though they would make sneakers with wheels in them for adults…

8 05 2008
Lindsay

Hey Natalie!

8 05 2008
Sandybaby

ROTF as tears are flowing down my face!!!!

Great post! And can you PLEASE do a post on DC cabbies??? I’ve been screwed by that d@mn zoning system way too many times! WTF! And I can’t stand tourists either which is why I stay my behind in PG County LOL

Oh and I’m a Terp for life too and NEVER understood what those auxilliary police do…. *scratching my head*

8 05 2008
Natalie

Hey Lindsay!

Wow it is definitely Terp Nation on this message board. Haha.

8 05 2008
shabooty

once u go terp -ull kno what dat azz is really worthfe
😉

8 05 2008
leoninatl

First of all, LMBAO at “Uncle Daddy”

Believe me, I feel your pain when it comes to tourists. I used to live in that tourist trap hell known as Florida. I used to hate when Snowbird season would come, cause all those old mofos come down driving all slow as hell in their minivans lost and confused as hell. Going to seafood restaurants and ordering stupid ass fish from the midwest that was nowhere on the menu. Ugh, if I saw them traveling around on Segways, I would’ve tried to trip them on general principle

Oh, and the security guards at the malls on Segways. They get under my gotdamn skin too…Really, do you feel secure when you see them?

9 05 2008
lazypen

I’ve never seen a segway in the wild(didnt think people were stupid enough) apart from cops.

9 05 2008
edwardiangaiety

I hate this thing. This idiot on my campus uses one and he looks like a total dork because everyone else is walking and he’s zipping about on the thing like he can’t walk.

9 05 2008
Dom

More Segway’s Coming Your Way! At least this one is for a good cause though.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/05/08/vet.segways/index.html

9 05 2008
stop-the-epidemic

“SWIFE” hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12 05 2008
12 05 2008
Sister Toldja

DAMMIT Raven! I try so hard to ride for this girl and she leaves the house wearing that AND on a Seguay. Argh! She’s still rich and pretty. Her Disney contract probably requires her to do a certian number of corny things per month.

14 05 2008
Uhura

Too funny and too true!

The first time I saw one of these contraptions was on Pennsylvania Ave. A uniformed guard (or a police officer….or a traffic cop….or a male meter maid-I can never tell which in DC) was using it.

Uh.

SEGWAY

19 05 2008
amy

Why does everyone hate these so much? I’ve never seen one in use. Seems like a good alternative for commuting – I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t walk 6 -12.5 mph and I can’t easily ride a bike in a skirt and don’t want to get all sweaty getting to work either. It seems like a good green alternative?

30 05 2008
SagOne

The Clampetts were from the Appalachian South, a hot bed of backwardass, inbred, dumb shits. Iowa is not in the Appalachian South, and no one in Iowa has ever uttered “Woooo WHEE!” (the Duke Boys were also from the Appalachian South) unless they were backwardass, inbred, dumb shits visiting from out of state… and let’s face it, you’d have to be backwardass, inbred, dumb shits to select Iowa as a vacation destination.

I doubt anyone in Iowa want or owns a Segway, with the possible exception of some sniveling, pencil-neck liberal at one of the state universities, who motors around in a tweed jacket with suede elbow patches, with a pair of Harry Potter spectacles clinging precariously to the tip of his nose.

31 05 2008
Nonya

lol

31 05 2008
patricia

Your rage is hilarious!!! I am laughing my a$$ off right now as I write this. I h8t those things and the people who ride them always look like they are mentally deficient in some way. ( LOL OL!!! “uncle daddy!” )

A white chick who walks

7 06 2008
Jeff Chan

I was just in washington d.c. and I saw segways everywhere. It really made me want to go out and get one. Even though I live in the burbs I started researching where to find them. I found a bunch at strictlysegway.com

31 08 2008
Teresa

Actually, I took my 15 year old daughter (I’m 52) on a Segway tour in Santa Barbara. They’re fun to ride… like a minibike or an ATV. Who cares if you look like a dork? Can’t be hip all the time. And yes you do need a helmet. I laid it down and was happy I had one on. If you fall doing 13 mph you will be really glad you were wearing protective headgear. Segways are just fun — lighten up and try being a tourist in your own town. You’ll have more fun than you think! The only negative is the price… ouch!

31 10 2008
CallTheKettleBlack

Wow.. and spinner hubcaps, whistling exhaust pipes, ridiculously loud (as in hear it from 3000 feet away) car sound systems, obnoxiously huge sport utilities (which never leave the paved roads), cars that look more livable than the trailers of the owner, saggin’ and baggin’ butt hanging out pants, having as many kids as possible (never mind not knowing who dad really is) for what sums up to be nothing more than a status symbol and machismo BS attitudes are sooooooo much better lifestyle choices than riding or owning Segway. Pull your damn heads out of your collective assess and pick on the real nuissances of society

17 03 2009
Lillian

I’m a BLACK Segway owner, so I guess I’m the Urkel of the bunch. I also own a Brompton bike, Landroller rollerblades and two Xootr scooters (one electric, one kick). Most anti-Segway comments are based on ignorance, the main one being, “Walk!” Do you walk or drive to work? Do you take a bus or subway? Why not walk? If you bike to work, will you arrive stinky? Yes because biking is a form of exercise. For the record — I exercise at the gym, then shower and head to work. I don’t want to exercise to work and arrive sweaty in my nice work clothes.

The Segway is simply an alternative pedestrian vehicle. While the comments are humorous, the ignorance about this alternative green transporter is sad. With proper training and use, which takes minutes to master, it’s a very efficient and safe way to get around.

My Segway allows me to zip through New York City, then into my apartment. I don’t have to pay for gas nor parking. Parking in my building’s garage is $200/month. Car and motorcycle maintenance are expensive, so $5,000 for a Segway comparatively is nothing.

MOST of the time I do WALK, hop the subway or take a cab because I fear that thieves will jack my Segway. I only use my Segway when I can take it indoors with me or keep an eye on it.

17 03 2009
Lillian

Amy asked:

“Why does everyone hate these so much? I’ve never seen one in use. Seems like a good alternative for commuting – I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t walk 6 -12.5 mph and I can’t easily ride a bike in a skirt and don’t want to get all sweaty getting to work either. It seems like a good green alternative?”

GREAT QUESTION, AMY. I stopped reading the comments because not seeing any solid arguments based on any intellectual assessment. I skimmed through emotionally aggravated reactions by those with a bias against something they seem to know little to nothing about.

It is indeed a green alternative. They’re easy to control, and if allowed, can be used or parked indoors. Folks at my gym said I couldn’t bring it indoors, so…I did. I parked it indoors and asked them to look at how well it fit in. They’re now re-thinking it. A lot of the resistance has to do with fear of the unknown and fueled misperceptions such as those here.

8 05 2009
Kindle DX – The vicarious review « Attentionization

[…] But I think that they miss the point.  Amazon (read: Bezos) knows what it’s doing.  This is not a Segway.  Bezos was one of the biggest promoters of a ‘revolutionary transportation […]

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