Aside: Stupid Emails

6 05 2008

I received the following email today:

“Hi Chris,

I would first like to say that I absolutely love your blog! It is funny, real, honest, intellectual and quite the refreshing read after a long day’s work.

Having said that, I do have a suggestion for you. I think your blog should continue as “stuff black people hate” instead of your personal dating site. I do not know about the other women who read your blog, but I am completely aware that the FAQ’s ‘are you single/available’ and ‘do you date women who aren’t black’ are ploys to get you a hot black woman in the dc area. I am not mad at your attempt to find companionship; however, I do think it takes away from the blog.

I’m really not trying to bust your balls; I just thought you should know!

Thank you for the tireless energy that you focus towards the blog and please keep up the great work!!”

Given the not-at-all-veiled backhandedness of this email, I spent about ten minutes trying to figure out if Hillary Clinton wrote it. After all, Mrs. Clinton has a tendency to believe that coating an ‘eat-shit’ fish sammich with honey somehow makes it go down easier, which is true…but only with stupid fucking people from rural Ohio and Pennsylvania.

Figure 1: Thanks for ruining this delicious sandwich for me, asshole

After awhile I realized that Hillary Clinton probably doesn’t care very much about me, so I took the email for what it was: the electronic musings of someone who read the Cliff’s Notes for a Dale Carnegie book and got it all the fuck wrong. Since this reader failed to win me over as a friend or influence me to tear down my FAQ section or whatever the hell she wanted me to do*, and since she’s probably not the only person with these sentiments, and since I’m bored for once, I’ll simply rip apart each sentence of her second paragraph as I sit here on the toilet with the door open so I can hear Family Guy in the next room:

1.) Having said that, I do have a suggestion for you.

I don’t care. Seriously. If I listened to the suggestions of every person with half an opinion that emailed me, the following would have happened by now:

  • I would have stopped writing this blog because “Beyonce might see it and find it seriously offensive” [from an email in mid-March]
  • I would have written dozens of posts about mayonnaise [countless emails and comments]
  • I would be at the head of a movement to convince black people to move back to Africa [oddly enough, this idea was posed to me by both a black supremacist and a white supremacist ON THE SAME DAY]

No fucking thanks. I will continue to take suggestions only from the thoughts that pop into my head when I encounter someone (like you) or something (like your email) is so saturated with unfounded horseshit that I’m forced into the bathroom to get it out of my system.

2.) I think your blog should continue as “stuff black people hate” instead of your personal dating site.

This might be a valid comment if I had ever, in the 3 or so months this site has been up, so much as indirectly attempted in any way to date anyone that’s contacted me about this site. Since that isn’t the case, I suppose that renders you guilty of 1st degree aggravated falsely-presumptive jackassery. I think you get the chair for that in Texas.

3.) I do not know about the other women who read your blog, but I am completely aware that the FAQ’s ‘are you single/available’ and ‘do you date women who aren’t black’ are ploys to get you a hot black woman in the dc area.

Wow Negrodamus, you see ALL! I shouldn’t be angry at you though, because woman-law mandates that you draw outlandish conclusions from a man’s simple statements of fact. My FAQ section was written for practical purposes: to answer frequently asked questions. To address the two FAQs you mentioned specifically, the idea was to reduce the number of emails I got asking me if I was single [209 of these] and if I dated non-black women [59 of these]. After I posted the FAQ, these emails slowed significantly. Smart people call it ‘Problem Solving’.

As for a so-called ‘ploy’ to attract hot black women…no. I am decently paid, well educated, cultured, kind of a jerk, and I can even be witty from time to time – so I have neither the time nor the need to devise scams to attract the opposite sex. I do just fine being myself, thank you.

4.) I am not mad at your attempt to find companionship; however, I do think it takes away from the blog.

I am not mad at you for emailing me with your inane suggestions based on incorrect assumptions; however, I do think it’s taking away from the satisfaction of the dump I’m taking right…[strain]…now.

*Unless her goal was to get me to write about her email; in which case, I can’t win em all dammit.

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167 responses

6 05 2008
r.b

LOL @ Negrodamus

6 05 2008
letinstar

dammit…now i have to go and read the faq’s…

6 05 2008
Knatural

Nevermind if this blog is a ploy, the true question is why does McDonald’s put cheese on a fish sammich?

6 05 2008
waa

hilarious!

6 05 2008
JL

This made my night….hilarious as ever!!!

6 05 2008
zoso

“…why does McDonald’s put cheese on a fish sammich?”

That’s nasty.

6 05 2008
DCBuppie

Your anger is soo funny…

6 05 2008
Nice

Absolutely funny. Some people take these blogs way too seriously.

6 05 2008
imaG

Let me know when you get some booty from your blog – write about it.

http://www.anythingblack.net

6 05 2008
YoungBelizeanLady

LMAO @ jackassery…. I may have to high jack that word.

6 05 2008
shabooty

only a broad would serve a fish-sammich on a spic holiday.

6 05 2008
Sylph

“…why does McDonald’s put cheese on a fish sammich?”

To hide the real taste and disguise how long McFried has been sitting there, waiting for someone to eat it. I wear my killjoy title proudly.

Miss Passive-Aggressiva made her move on you Chris. You better make sure there aren’t any boiled bunnies coming your way.

6 05 2008
Ms. Kennedy

Heeeyyy . . . wait a minute. . . You use this blog to get ass?
*pulls panties back up*

6 05 2008
london

too funny..
negrodamus… *time of death 06:52 gmt*

6 05 2008
Aisha

You mean your blog isn’t a clever ploy designed to attract black women in the DC Area?

ONOEZ!! *le fucking gasp*

People seem to get extra-presumptuous on the Internet. It’s irritating–amusing at times–but mostly irritating.

6 05 2008
Tiger

I do, however, think that many of the people who leave comments on this site, are double-tasking leaving their thoughts with flirting with the other comment-makers and/or self promoting. E.g. the “fat people” post, where people kept leaving their measurements and talking about their breasts… kind of annoying. (e.g. “I got double Ds and..”)

e.g. Epps post: “As for Chris umm soo like i’m single as of now and I will make your pancakes in the nude and served on my titites with whipped cream strawberry ans syrup and put you ass in a sugar coma.”

WTF?

6 05 2008
Sübec

wow.

6 05 2008
tmed

haaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i laughed. audibly. alot. at this post in particular.

i absolutely love this blog.

6 05 2008
Shine

@Tiger. Sheeit she aint the only one who thinks that. But probably the first to offer. The person who sent this email saw that and got mad that somebody else got on Chris’s dick before her. I on the other hand, can wait in line. 🙂

6 05 2008
benjie

LMAO @ shabooty.

…and i was wondering the same thing about mcdonalds. the cheese just seems extra for no reason.

6 05 2008
Lolo

Fine, so it’s not about being a pussy magnet for you. Shabooty, on the other hand ….

6 05 2008
PrettyPiscesGirl

Yes, Chris, the chick WOULD get the chair for this nonsense in TEXAS…hands down. Her puerile attempt to get at you on sly was SO re-fucking-dickulously obvious that it made me want to go and buy one of those hideous fish pucks (who puts cheese on fish ANYWAY?) and barf all over it.

6 05 2008
sarah

jackassery… yoink!

6 05 2008
Sister Toldja

“Beyonce might see it and find it seriously offensive”

Time of death: 9:08 AM

Why are Beyonce fans so militant? I did a post about how her inane lyrics were a plot to destroy Black children’s minds so they can work in the Dereon sweatshop (a theory I will stand behind until the day I die, btw), and I got so much backlash from her peoples. Beyonce fans are like the new Black Panther Party. I bet they have a ten point program and everything.

This email is the funniest shit of life! I love it, I want it on a t-shirt.

Now, I can’t speak for the other breezies in here, but my comments and jokes about Chris *allegedly* being cute and having a large jimmy are all in fun. Dude may actually be 3’3 for all we know. We (or I) like his sense of humor and his blog. Nothing more. If some one is really coming to this blog everyday like “Yeah, Chris, he finna be my man, I’m moving from Zamunda to get him”…..you are creepy. But nothing is wrong with having an e-crush, it’s kinda like lusting for your favorite early 90’s rapper. He’s not famous famous, so you still feel like you may have a shot….but you know that shit ain’t actually gonna happen.

Or am I the only one who still pines for my favorite early 90’s rapper? (Who’s name I will not mention, as I don’t want to jinx it.)

Tiger- Playa, why you hating? Us throwing out cup sizes is no different than Chris mentioning his height or Shabooty telling us he lives in his mom’s basement. And it was actually a triple D. And they’re jingling, baby.

6 05 2008
brran1

Wow.

6 05 2008
Bailey Blues

This post just made my morning…hilarious!

I refuse to believe someone actually made the Beyonce comment…wtf?

6 05 2008
Knatural

Soooo…cheese on McDonald’s fish sammich is akin to perfume on a stinky girl??!!?? And Tiger, Mrs.Epps really said that? A sugar coma? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
As far as the MASTER PLOY that this blog is(n’t), I seriously doubt the author would date any of the chicks who internet-flirt with him…or at least that’s what he wants us to believe *evil laugh*

6 05 2008
Tamara

@ST – “…And it was actually a triple D. And they’re jingling, baby.”

*stabs self with fork*

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

LOL that was fucking hilarious..maybe this chick is one the girls you shot down…and dammmit mannnnnn i was expecting to read about you shitting ont he toilet..thats just lovely for this fine morning 🙂

Tiger-I do, however, think that many of the people who leave comments on this site, are double-tasking leaving their thoughts with flirting with the other comment-makers and/or self promoting. E.g. the “fat people” post, where people kept leaving their measurements and talking about their breasts… kind of annoying. (e.g. “I got double Ds and..”

e.g. Epps post: “As for Chris umm soo like i’m single as of now and I will make your pancakes in the nude and served on my titites with whipped cream strawberry ans syrup and put you ass in a sugar coma.”

WTF?

Ok sweetheart everything you read on here you shouldnt take so seriously…I was a) JOKING and b) FUCKING JOKING!!!!! GOOD GOD..I’m not tryna get at Chris what so ever.. so um STEP OFF STEP OFFF(was watching Miss Rap Supreme lastnight)

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Oh BTW@ Tiger if the comments are so “annoying” why do you read them? You obviously havent been reading this blog for very long have you?

6 05 2008
benjie

LMAO @ ST

i STILL love my fav 90’s rapper and will do lovely things to him when (notice i didn’t say if) i meet him.

him and j.d. williams.

*swoon*

6 05 2008
Dom

I’m with Tiger. Its mildly annyoing watching chicks throw e-panties at Chris, but I just skip over any comment that even looks like its headed in that direction.

This site is too damn funny to let some of the comments get in the way of my enjoyment.

Keep making the people laugh man, work is boring as shit without this blog.

6 05 2008
Lolo

Oh man, I better email Chris a pic of my grannypanties now that I know what this blog is really about. MMmmiddle aged panty pudding is da bomb, just ask any fan of Desperate Housewives!

6 05 2008
C.I.T.

@ Sister Toldja’s comment: Tiger- Playa, why you hating? Us throwing out cup sizes is no different than Chris mentioning his height or Shabooty telling us he lives in his mom’s basement. And it was actually a triple D. And they’re jingling, baby.

I think I just found my new hero. Tell ’em girl. 😉

6 05 2008
scraper scraper

I want Chris. We all want chris.

@shabooty- ur ill. LMAO.

@tiger- ROTF…

6 05 2008
Johnny O

Chris, So I was watching episode 3 of Frasier last night. (Still funny after 15 years) Anyway, Niles says to Roz after meeting her for the 4th time “I’m sorry have we met?” She says yes Niles we’ve met like four times, and he says “oh well, I’m far too successful to feel uncomfortable…” absolutely classic timing. I fell off the couch laughing. My old lady didn’t think it was very funny, but she doesn’t know that at work I act like a pompous asshole just like Niles and Frasier. Anyway, like you, I’m under 30 and in the 6 figure tax bracket so feel free to use that retort as well pal. It works well in a variety of situations, like that dumb bitches e-mail you got.

6 05 2008
Funkyblackchick

I suddenly have an urge for a #10 from McDonalds today for lunch!

But yeah, about our date…I’ll let you supersize your meal..lol

jokes.just.jokes.

6 05 2008
shabooty

@sister toljda –
Can I call you Eight Belles, ’cause after I break your strapped up ankles in the bedroom, we might have to put you down.

$

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

LMAO@ Shabooty SMH

6 05 2008
Knatural

EWWWWWWWW@Lolo. I thought the elderly were supposed to be more reserved.
@Funkyblackchick – NO CHEESE
Not all of us ladies want Chris/SBPH or think he’s attractive, no offense. I love the blog, appreciate the humor, and respect his intelligence, but who other than the absolute desparate would sincerely holla at The Author via this blog.

6 05 2008
Merri Lee

The funniest thing about this e-mail is that the writer obviously can’t distinguish between the blog and the comments section. How the f#@k was Chris supposed to know that a post titled “Sunburn” would get 200+ comments about porn? Get over yourself, emailer.

6 05 2008
Quiet Storm

“…I do think it’s taking away from the satisfaction of the dump I’m taking right…[strain]…now”
“Wow Negrodamus, you see ALL!”

Oh s!@#*, lmao!! She should feel like a penis right about now.

6 05 2008
Lolo

@Knatural

Hell no, there’s no shame left once you get past saggy o’clock.

I saw a license plate that reads “SxxyMn” the other day and when Granpa got out of the driver’s side I gagged a little bit.

6 05 2008
Laurel

Hilarious. Hey, as long as the good writing and satire keeps coming I’ll be a groupie. No shame over here.

6 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Shabooty:

*Wide eyed look of fear*

This reminds me of the time I had a dream in which I was making out with Juvinile and woke up ready to jump out the window. Or worse, my recent dream about Prodigy from Mobb Deep…..

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

ST-Shabooty:

*Wide eyed look of fear*

This reminds me of the time I had a dream in which I was making out with Juvinile and woke up ready to jump out the window. Or worse, my recent dream about Prodigy from Mobb Deep…..

Eww@ Making out with Juvinile thats fucking funnnnyyyyy and Umm Prodigy? OMGG hahaha ok i know I’m going to sound like a little ass kid but he looks like the bat from that kiddie movie Fern Gully hahahaha..ol Grimlin lookin ass..I would jump out the window too

6 05 2008

“jackassery”

Wow Negrodamus, you see ALL!

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAHHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HA

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

HA!

6 05 2008
Ljones

WOW, considering this is YOUR blog, the nerve of her “unfounded jackassery” suggestions. I think your blog is extremely interestng, witty and I l kind of like that you are a self-proclaimed jerk, can’t we all be jerks at times! Mrs. back-handed has proved that point. I bet you do fine with the ladies or without and just in case, if you are ever in NY, holla my BFF is awesome and single!!

6 05 2008
Funkyblackchick

the comments here are blog worthy themselves! thanks for adding to my daily dose of procrastination! lol

6 05 2008

THE NERVE OF THIS GIRL!

That’s just like going to burger king saying:

” You should re-name the whopper. I don’t like the name whopper”.
“It sounds provacative, this, ‘have it your way slogan'”.

6 05 2008
angel

Another brilliant post Chris.
Negrodamus – (you need to trademark that one)!

To the comments crew:You all make me smile & laugh on a daily basis-thank you!

6 05 2008
Muse

WOW Tiger, did someone have a dose of “extra” for breakfast? In defense of Mrs. Epps I honestly don’t think that she wants Chris considering the girl is freaking ENGAGED (if I’m not mistaken) Even if she wasn’t who the hell cares? If you are so bothered by a female flirting with Chris, then skip over those comments that you deem unworthy of your attention. I’m sure the person making the comment could give a flying fuck what you think.

Lighten up. I’ve been guilty of flirting. In fact I flirt with most guys who are SINGLE (because I’m not trying to disrespect another female or catch a case), funny, and attractive. Besides with the exception of Grimm, I don’t think any female on here has been obnoxious about describing their appearance. I think I made one comment about my boobs because the ladies were taking about finding bras and I offered suggestions as to where to go since I consider myself the queen of quality undergarments.

Based on my observation, I highly doubt any of the females on here need the internet to get a guy. Most of the ladies I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with are attractive, witty, and are doing major things in their life so if they want to have some fun online then that is their right. Only a bitter ass female without a sense of humor would be bothered by e-flirting.

6 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

I should clarify for those who haven’t seen Chappelle’s Show – ‘Negrodamus’ is not my term. It was Paul Mooney’s character in a skit on that show where, among other things, he claimed:

“White people love Wayne Brady…because…he makes Bryant Gumble…look like Malcolm X”

6 05 2008
Sister Toldja

^ I was kinda surprised folks didn’t get that from jump. This seems like a Chapelle’s show type of crowd.

Why did Dave try to holler at my homegirl last week? She was feeling shy and blew him off. Oh, the stories there could have been!

6 05 2008
Roger

The Internet gives boldness and comfort to people who are far too stupid to censor their damned selves. Case in point: that stupid letter to Chris. What a damned moron!

Ok, when someone says, “I’m not really trying to ________”, you know damn fucking well you are trying to do exactly that. It’s utterly disingenuous and frakkin’ annoying. Miss “I’m not really trying to bust your balls” is totally trying to bust Chris’ balls (that, or, in some sick twisted way, trying to get at him). Either way, Missy Anne needs to go somewhere and sit down.

6 05 2008
stuffgirlslike

Chris,

It might have been the competition who wrote that piece, maybe they are trying to play head games with you and get you all twisted.

Or maybe it is an Ethiopian woman trying to admire you.

AnthyngBlack is about to put the FQA page up, he did not know there were side benefits to being a blogster.

http://stuffgirlslike.wordpress.com

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Muse-WOW Tiger, did someone have a dose of “extra” for breakfast? In defense of Mrs. Epps I honestly don’t think that she wants Chris considering the girl is freaking ENGAGED (if I’m not mistaken) Even if she wasn’t who the hell cares? If you are so bothered by a female flirting with Chris, then skip over those comments that you deem unworthy of your attention. I’m sure the person making the comment could give a flying fuck what you think.

THANK YOU!!! exactly what I’m saying and yes I couldnt give 2 scoops of poop what she or anyone in general thinks of my comments. 🙂

BTW who in the hell didnt know that Negrodamus was from Chappelle show??!! everyone knows that. That was like the best part of the show…

6 05 2008
teachthemwell

i liked “ask a black dude” better than negrodamus.

6 05 2008
Muse

I can’t get over the Rick James episodes. I literally died the first time I saw them especially when Charlie Murphy kicked Chapelle into the dresser.

6 05 2008
Um Um Good

******Warning********E-Panty Alert********Read at your own risk*********

“But nothing is wrong with having an e-crush, it’s kinda like lusting for your favorite early 90’s rapper. He’s not famous famous, so you still feel like you may have a shot….but you know that shit ain’t actually gonna happen. ”

Sista Toulja hit the nail on the head with this one. I’m not in the DC area but I definately have an e-crush on Chris. From his vague pictures and descriptions of himself I think he’s probably a good looking guy. I realized the extent of my e-crush (some people might want to stop reading now b/c the e-panties are coming) when I found myself pleasuring myself thinking about his brand of humor.

Actually, I was thinking about how much I hate masterbating and that led to me thinking that Chris should do a post on the subject. Then I just ran with my mental images of him and what I think his voice might sound like. When I was done, I got a good laugh from knowing that I just fantasized about a blogger that I will probably never meet in real life. I mean the Idris Elba/LL/Hill Harper/Kobe/Luda/R. Kelly/Random Famous Guy fantasy gets old after awhile.

And I know I’m not the only person on here who actually likes McDonald’s Filet of Fish cheese and all! It’s only a half slice here in NC and I think I’ll be enjoying one for lunch today!

6 05 2008
Lindsay

@ Ne’

That’s just like going to burger king saying: “It sounds provacative, this, ‘have it your way’ slogan.”

L.M.A.O. 😀

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Muse- fuck yo couch nigga fuck yo couch!

6 05 2008
Merri Lee

@ Umm Umm Good

TMI. Just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay TMI. (OK, which one of you hoochies decided to come to confession and just use a fake name for that one posting? 😀 Is that you, ST?)

6 05 2008
Muse

Um Um Good..well then thanks for sharing…. …

Yeah I feel weird now… sometimes there is such a thing called TMI… I’m going to go back to work now hahahaha.

Look at my hypocritical ass judging Hahahaha

I feel violated reading Um um good’s post….

6 05 2008
Muse

Did she really say she masturbates to Chris’ blogs? I’m concerned….Is this a joke?!

6 05 2008
Knatural

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…Um Um Good! I like a #10 every now and then, but cheese on fried fish is immoral and I want to go to Heaven. Chappelle show, classic. People who don’t like are just weird. You gotta see his stand-up in San Francisco (hilarious).

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Um Um good- Sista Toulja hit the nail on the head with this one. I’m not in the DC area but I definately have an e-crush on Chris. From his vague pictures and descriptions of himself I think he’s probably a good looking guy. I realized the extent of my e-crush (some people might want to stop reading now b/c the e-panties are coming) when I found myself pleasuring myself thinking about his brand of humor

as my friend Spydie would say”WHOAAAA Brooooo to much info dude” hahahah wow i think you should have kept that to yourself sweetheart..and i would laugh even harder is Um Um good is a dude hahahahah

6 05 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Umm Umm Good- Uh, I applaud your honestly, despite the many levels of disturbingness…

I think more than anything, I am alarmed that you please yourself to thoughts of R. Kelly. Is he pissing on you in said fantasy? Are you 13 in this scenario? I don’t usually judge when it comes to kink, but call me Mathis because I am judgey judge judging right now.

As the old commercial says, if you don’t get help here, please get help somewhere.

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Knatrual girlll i have that Stand up on DVD too funny.. the old homeless guy sticking up the bus jerking off bwhahahah too funnnnyyy

6 05 2008
Sister Toldja

You did say that, right? Like, I am trying to move forward with my day but I am thunderstricken right now.

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

I would never “pleasure” myself thinking of fucking Kobe Bootyface Bryant or R. Pee pee on you Kelly wouldnt even put Chris in the same category if I was single. SMH and to think that my comment of putting Chris in a sugar coma was outlandish!!hahahahah i love you guys

6 05 2008
benjie

i mean i can understand Hill Harper.
Idris Elba is a given
Kobe…losing me
Luda…losing me (kinda it was those gold teeth in hustle and flow)

but… rkelly??

why???????

6 05 2008

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO concerned about masturbating to a blogger!

” WHO LEFT THE CRAZY GATE OPEN!”

6 05 2008
Muse

This has to be a joke. Probably one of Chris’ friends.

I’m even more disturbed that someone is masturbating to R.Kelly.

6 05 2008
maya

lmao. i hate you all.

6 05 2008

No NOT the R-AH!

Why must I cry.

6 05 2008
Merri Lee

$10 bucks says Umm Umm Good is actually the girl who sent in the original email.

6 05 2008

I was going to eat lunch….thanks umm umm for ruining my california cuban panini!!!!!!

6 05 2008
Knatural

R. Kelley! R. Kelley is a frowsy bastard. Have you seen him in his orange jumpsuit? Is he ever going to jail? He probably eats cheese on his fish filet.

6 05 2008
Hot,Cool&Vicious

the follow up email is going to be classic…

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

as for the # 10 no cheese please.. liek who actually came up with the idea of putting cheese on fried fish..thats just gross.. the oly thing i eat with cheese on it is mac n cheese,spaghetti,cheeseburger ect but never fish. I would think ti would take away from the taste of the fish ya know..

6 05 2008
Lolo

Okay, that’s even grosser than my middle aged panty pudding and I hate you so much that this is all you deserve.

6 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Aww, hold on now. Fish sammiches are GREAT with cheese. Filet-O-Fishes are wack, but so is everything at McDonalds unless you are chiefing. But even good quality fish sammiches are tasty with cheese.

R. Kelly probably puts nothing on his sammiches, cause he don’t eat sammiches, he eats young girls.

6 05 2008
Muse

Eww you guy eat crack-donalds? No wonder black folks have high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes.

6 05 2008
Um Um Good

I didn’t write the original e-mail. I find Chris and all most of the regular posters funny. I know I put myself out there with the TMI but it’s true and I stand by it. Also, for the record I’ve never fantasized about the men I mentioned (except Idris Elba) I was just grasping at straws trying to come up with male celebrities. I haven’t liked Kells since the scandals started but some women still find him attractive and like I said I was just trying to come up with names.

My previous post was the first time I’ve ever posted here (I think) and the username was leftover from another WordPress blog perhaps on Stuff White People Like or Stuff Educated Black People Like and the blog dealt with food. I thought about changing it before I posted, but I’m not that clever and I couldn’t come up with anything else.

Yes getting off to a blogger might seem weird or crazy but who hasn’t fantasized about an attractive, stranger, associate or friend of a friend?

6 05 2008
maya

Yes to crackdonalds. I heard, though, there really are things they put in the food to make people comeback. I know it works for me. Mmm…nuggets.

6 05 2008
shabooty

any of ya’ll broads out there running a batch to chicken jon?
that’d be extra funny.
$

6 05 2008
benjie

running a batch?

explain. (please)

6 05 2008
london

oh lord… how did r kelly get in here..
make it stop… i… cannot.. will. not…
phew
cheese is the devil’s food…
i cannot fathom how anyone, anywhere discovered it…
first of all you have to have milk.. which is not natural at all unless you are a baby..
forget cow juice..
no..
i was weaned and i stay as such..
i need no mama milk substitute…
then this cow juice needs to go off…
and you know folk lore tells us that you know if a witch is near because they turn the milk… anyway…
then you take the solid part of the off milk and eat it…
you let it dry out or something.. or bloody hell! why not add more bacteria so it gets blue veins..
you have to be fucking insane to eat that…
pure and unadulterated fuckery…

6 05 2008
Knatural

Albeit Mickey-D’s is terrible, its so tasty! It’s basically food in a glass case and all I ever get is a fish filet NO CHEESE or nuggets.
@London – cheese is a weird substance to eat. But think about who the first human was to crack open an egg and eat it. Humans will and have always eaten anything.

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

Um Um Good its all good…I found your post funny actually. and I do agree with the fansizing of a man that is either attractive(Chirs I aint gonna front), Stranger, associate or friend of a friend I know allt he ladies on here have and if they say they didnt they are some damn bold face liars!!! ahahha…its all good I just wouldnt have the balls to say I played with my vajayjay thinking of Chris but i bet it would be very interesting…haha

as for silly ass Shabooty..SMH

I must confess I think Chicken Jon is HOTTT for an Asian guy…especially that pic of him infrotn of the millions of drinks! like ummmmmmmm foreal..I can hang with ya’ll if that wasss upp cuz I can hold my liquor like water. IM no alcholoic but i loveeeeee to drink WOOOOHOOOO!!!

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

I LOVE CHEESE!!! especially sharp cheddar cubes as a snack or string cheese but it has to be Polly-O cheese thats the best hahaha..I love Munster cheese, Mozerella!! Provalone is the shit, Swiss YESS please, good ol american sinlges I’m down…Colby and Pepper jack Yum..damn just listing all the cheese i like makes me feel constipated. I Love milk does the body good! Got have my organic Horizon Milk f the super market brand kiss ma ass it tatse better anyways. My Step-dad is !/2 italian and irish so yea..he cook with cheeses and pasta with sausage and meats alot.

6 05 2008
Muse

See Mrs. Epps you somewhat insulted Chicken Jon. That’s like someone telling me, Oh you are pretty for a darkie Negro. I’ve met some hot Asians. In fact I went on a few dates with a guy who was half Japanese and half white. He was hot. You didn’t know he was part white unless he told you.

6 05 2008
shabooty

running a batch as in…
self-inflicting seed spillage.

6 05 2008
Muse

I’m a big fan of Gouda cheese.

6 05 2008

speaking of cheese. I buy smoked gouda cheese by the slice, weekly. It’s some good cheese. Try it on your sammich, not a fish sammich though!

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

How did I insulte him? I said he was HOt for and Asian guy and I added “for an asian guy” because I am not usually attracted to Asian dudes thats all. And I have also dated Asian guys before as well. Didnt mean to offened soo saw-wee.
BTW Gouda cheese is good too! 🙂

6 05 2008
teachthemwell

Dave Chappelle says the same the R. Kelly thinks “How old is 15 really? If you can get life in jail for practicing wrestling moves, then you should be allowed to pee on them. Thats all I’m saying.” I think that’s how it goes. I am sure I fucked up a few words there, but you get the point.

6 05 2008
Merri Lee

From “Ethiopians”


stuffblackpeoplehate (18:05:07) :

I’m going to assume SOMALI QUEEN looks like this until she proves otherwise.

P.S. – I’ve jacked off to that picture four times already.

I guess I’ll quit talking about Um Um Good. Sounds like she is a candidate for Ms. SBPH

6 05 2008
Quiet Storm

The Negrodamus skit on the Chappelle Show was freaking hilarious! I damn near died when he did the Prince and Charlie Murphy playing b-ball skit. “Here’s your pancakes. Bitches” hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahhaaa!

6 05 2008
Shine

@Um Um Good girl, I ain’t mad at you. I fling my virtual drawers at Chris too but its all in fun. However I’m not as far as ‘running a batch’ for him but I’ll bless him by adding him to my imaginary harem which includes Common, Antonio banderas and Russel Crowe and even nasty ass groupie fucking Eric Benet (still too cute to imaginarily divorce). My imaginary harem is huge. I say Chris can be 12th husband. If he works hard, maybe 8th. Oh and Mr. Smith can be 19th perhaps, but he’s on probation until he reaches legal drinking age.

Oh and if Dave Chappelle’s stand up was good I love Paul Mooneys’s.

Not the best clip but the DVD was hilarious.

6 05 2008
Shine

Oh and this black chica loves some dairy products. Milk makes you healthy and strong! What am I gonna eat my cheerios with. And cheese and crackers. mm mm good.

6 05 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

@Um Um Good:

That’s um um TMI!

Gotdamn, GotDAMN, GOTDAMN!!!!!

WHO IN THE HELL LEFT THE GATE OPEN???????????????

6 05 2008
Shine

This is what the woman who wrote this email to Chris is probably like
http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2008/may/01/unsatisfying-sex-life-leads-to-womans-meltdown/
Beware of a woman without dick in her life.
I have never been dog-throwing mad but I am going out to get the heaviest dog I can lift just in case someone tries to arrest me. heeheehee

6 05 2008
lisaturtle

ST – “Why are Beyonce fans so militant? I did a post about how her inane lyrics were a plot to destroy Black children’s minds so they can work in the Dereon sweatshop (a theory I will stand behind until the day I die, btw), and I got so much backlash from her peoples. Beyonce fans are like the new Black Panther Party. I bet they have a ten point program and everything.”

YES, WHY. They make me want to hate Beyonce and I don’t even hate Beyonce. Jay-Z fans too… HE IS NOT THE GOAT, SHUTUP.

6 05 2008
letinstar

people still eat at mcdonald’s?…rent “supersize me”…

6 05 2008
Hot,Cool&Vicious

shabooty=chicken jon

6 05 2008
Esquire

Cheese makes me poot. I love cheese.

Speaking of stupid emails. I hate the ones that are the “If you love Jesus foward this, If you arent embarrased to be a Christian forward this, or you will spend an eternity in hell.”

Damn, am I really going to hell for deleting that email?

6 05 2008
Merri Lee

@Esquire – not only are you going to hell, but your love life is cursed if you don’t email this to 14 people, you will have bad luck if you don’t forward it to five…

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

I hate those e-mails too you ever get the TXT messages?? OMGGG like foreal… I dont think Jesus(Haysues) cares about text messages and e-mail ppl stop sending me that dumb shit. Damn chain letters Rolls eyes.. who ever invented the Chain letter must DIE a painful death because ppl send those damn things every other day! GRRrr

6 05 2008
shabooty

@ Hot,Cool&Vicious

how dare you accuse me of having a micro-peni(s)

6 05 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

@Esquire, yes, you are, you goddamn heathen.

Shall I sew you a set of gasoline infused undergarments to match mine once we get there?

6 05 2008
Merri Lee

What I really hate are the spam comments. Ever go on the gossip pages, and half the comments are, “OMG! Is it true he is lloking for luve at www. where wealthymeet.com? He has a profile andd is said to be finding a wife??”

WTF?? Do people actuallt believe that mess?

6 05 2008
Seven

I know I’m a little a late, but Kudos to you for setting the record straight. It’s your site and you moderate it as you please. BTW, that Negrodamus line was too sweet!

6 05 2008
formerly:hbmen/banji/mcdizzsweet

All commentators but especially sister toldja, shabooty, muse and shine…Do ya’ll have a life!?
ROTF

6 05 2008
Yonnie3k

In the Fat People post, I thought it necessary to leave your weight and height (and for some people, their bra size) as a frame of reference for your comment. You don’t know who’s making the comment – a fat ass or some bitch wearing a training bra. I did it – and I think others did too – to give my comment some perspective.

6 05 2008
maya

this is random, and should prolly go in the post about commuter trains and bad ass kids, but please watch this yall:

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhk22mHA84nS8ARaT1

jesus be a fence around my soul, cause that little heifer shoulda got molly wopped.

6 05 2008
Merri Lee

^^^ “Actually”

*hangs head in shame*

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

All commentators but especially sister toldja, shabooty, muse and shine…Do ya’ll have a life!?
ROTF

Who ever makes comments like this doesnt have a life either..SMH

6 05 2008
scarletjones

i’ve been gone too long from here man. i missed all the fun.

Boo! to the thirsty blog stalkers that want to not look like wierdos for trying to start conversation with Chris about his availability. she was probably looking for you to email her back to re-affirm whether you’re is still single.

Oh, and
1.) cheese is GREAT!
2.) people need to read more than two posts before trying to make comments about what everyone else is doing…. too much of that and you go on the abuse of clinical priveleges list because your issues are showing.
3.) i’m shocked anyone missed the dave chappelle dynasty. what the french toast?
4.) @ ST – beyonce is a waste of talent. her lyrics are ridiculous and it’s a shame to waste a voice like that on the nonsense she writes.
5.) 38 D
6.) what better place for TMI than this blog? 🙂
7.) cried myself to death @ Kobe Bootyface Bryant! oh lord!
8.) if i wasn’t married chris could get it!

6 05 2008
Mrs.Epps

ahahhahahah Scarlet!! lol@ abuse of clinical priveleges list!
I guess you’re right TMI is right for this blog we do it all the time dont we? ahha bwhahahah@ 38 D

and oh yea THROW CHEESE ON IT!! ahah

please dont ask why i watch this video int he 1st place.. my younger cousin e-mailed that to me…

6 05 2008
maya

not letting me post my comments 😦

6 05 2008
maya

ok, it just wont let me post the link. fuckers.

6 05 2008
Shine

@formerly:hbmen/banji/mcdizzsweet
Haha, I think its quite obvious that I at least have a really boring job thats on the computer all day. 🙂 so… no i guess. 😦

6 05 2008
Merri Lee

sj – I disagree. The biggest waste is Mariah Carey. I mean, “Touch My Body” – WTF???? MC needs to hire a real lyricist and sell the BS she writes to Hannah Montana. There is no way a d@mn near 40 year old woman should be singing that juvenile garbage. Plus she has a great voice, but that song was recorded while she was having an asthma attack.

6 05 2008
scarletjones

@ Epps – lol at the video. my friend was at a bar where the security guard was singing his rendition… “just bought a waffle house! throw some CHEESE ON THEM GRITS!”. that was her facebook status for like a month! hy-la-rious

LMBAO! @ merri lee!

i heard that about mariah. but i think beyonce is a bigger violator because as she’s grown into an adult her lyrics have not come along for the ride, where as mariah has had a severely dissapointing downward spiral. where the hell did “vision of love” mariah go? who the hell knows?

7 05 2008
SOMALI QUEEN

Chris totally made this email up just to talk more about himself and how much of a ladies man he is…

We get it chris

7 05 2008
Choco_Gnome

i bet Chris gets an influx of crazy love letters after this post

7 05 2008
Angry v3.2b

“This might be a valid comment if I had ever, in the 3 or so months this site has been up, so much as indirectly attempted in any way to date anyone that’s contacted me about this site. Since that isn’t the case, I suppose that renders you guilty of 1st degree aggravated falsely-presumptive jackassery. I think you get the chair for that in Texas.”

1st Degree Aggravated Falsely-Presumptive Jackassery!?!? AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

7 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Chris totally made this email up just to talk more about himself and how much of a ladies man he is…

We get it chris”

Somali Queen’s idiotic comments are totally the result of brain damage caused by malnourishment.

We get it, SQ.

Somebody buy this bag of bones a fish sammich.

7 05 2008
Knatural

NO CHEESE!

7 05 2008
SOMALI QUEEN

I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings Chris…

7 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings Chris…”

No sweetheart. You have to try a whole helluva lot harder than that.

7 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Mariah and Beyonce are both wastes of talent. The biggest difference is that Mariah is getting Blacker and Beyonce, whiter. LOL. Beyonce never had class to begin with. My mom swears she is autistic or “mildly retarted” (she is a bigger hater than me!).

Mariah is the tackiest broad EVER. She has to be 40+ and she dresses like an 18-year old hooker from Long Island. She is like an old, mullato Amy Fischer. I don’t care how good she sings, I will never buy ANY of her music from the past 10 years. “These chicks are ash/and I’m lotion”…..WHAT?

7 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

AND…feel free to retort with jokes about manifest destiny and smallpox.

Ethnic humor is phun. Nyuk nyuk.

7 05 2008
Sister Toldja

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t spend a lot of time reading blogs that I don’t like, or where I don’t really feel what the author or the commentors have to say.

It’s one thing to be a fan/critic, but another to have nasty things to say every time you log in about the writer or his fans. I am thinking we have some ex-girlfriend/spurned lover/rejected broad action going on….

7 05 2008
SOMALI QUEEN

Wow. How very insensitive….I had family members die from malnourishment…I almost died…that’s a very evil and inhumane thing to say.

I shall stop commenting as protest…(unless I change my mind)

7 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

Life’s a bitch. Then you die.

7 05 2008
scarletjones

i cant believe ST came with trapper keeper! that was great. mariah needs to just stop.

7 05 2008
HeavenLeiBlu

@Sister TJ

“Mariah is the tackiest broad EVER. She has to be 40+ and she dresses like an 18-year old hooker from Long Island. ”

You mean like EXACTLY what she was EXACTLY 20 years ago?*

*’cept she’ca sang. Or used to be able to, rather.

(disclaimer: I was a Mariah fan until a little thing called Glitter, when the Lisa Frank-ness went into overdrive.)

7 05 2008
Nice

Yeah Lisa Frank was that ish- when I was 7. I give Mariah her props. She has held it down in the music biz for a minute, but she is just too phoney for me.

7 05 2008
Choco_Gnome

ROFLMAO @ NICE

wow your posts TOOK ME BACK!!
i loved all the lisa frank stuff

LOL
wow my stomach hurts

she’s in her Lisa Frank shrine writing Mariah Loves Nick over and over again in multicolored Lisa Frank gel pens in her unicorn-covered trapper keeper notebook

7 05 2008
Choco_Gnome

my bad, i just noticed it was Sister Toldja’s post….

either way…HILARIOUS

7 05 2008
maya

LMAO. Having strep throat has made me miss the comedy. Dammit!

LOL @ undernourishment. Low blow, Chris. But I’m laughing like the asshole that I am. +2pts.

7 05 2008
maya

What I really wanna know is why SQ comes in this jawn so ANGRY all the damn time, sheesh!

Tell ’em why you mad, homie. Tell ’em why you mad.

7 05 2008
Nice

she’s in her Lisa Frank shrine writing Mariah Loves Nick over and over again in multicolored Lisa Frank gel pens in her unicorn-covered trapper keeper notebook

What a coincidence, she even has a younger man.

7 05 2008
Nice

I saw her penthouse on Cribs too- Insane

7 05 2008
letinstar

i remember the mariah episode of “cribs”…in fact it was one of the only episodes i watched…all i remember is her wearing sky high stillettos on her stairmaster as she showed off her excersise room that she clearly wasn’t using…that and the part where she was taking her dog out of the oven…

7 05 2008
Nice

Lololol- that was funny. I think she may be a bit out of touch with reality-Like alot of celebs.

7 05 2008
shabooty

if u bang a chick wearing a lamb skin rubber in the ass it smells like a gyro
n ur ballsweat will be the cucumber sauce

7 05 2008
Lolo

I would so hang out with Mariah for a minute, come on. I know she’s far from being a rocket scientist and I would rather stab myself in the ear than actually pay attention to her lyrics but you know, it would be a trip. Just to browse her closet, then her room that’s basically a giant pillow, then trade exercise tips.

She’s at least managed to seemingly stay off drugs, drink, eating disorder, flashing her cooch, being arrested for DUI or weapons or shoplifting … shit, by celebrity standards I think she might be a rocket scientist.

7 05 2008
Lolo

Aaand there goes any possibility that shabooty gets any pussy off this blog. Or does it?

7 05 2008
Nice

@ Lolo- tru dat, tru dat.

7 05 2008
Nice

I doubt he will get any. I think the smell of gyros during sex is just plain wrong on every level possible.

7 05 2008
Muse

shabooty (03:34:48) :

“if u bang a chick wearing a lamb skin rubber in the ass it smells like a gyro
n ur ballsweat will be the cucumber sauce”

Ewwww. I just threw up in my mouth.

formerly:hbmen/banji/mcdizzsweet (22:15:42) :

“All commentators but especially sister toldja, shabooty, muse and shine…Do ya’ll have a life!?
ROTF”

I have a great life. Thanks for being concerned. I also have this uncanny ability to multitask. For some strange reason I can bullshit on the net and be productive at my job at the same. Must be the protein shots take to start off my day.

7 05 2008
nappyhead

shabooty 03:34:

“if u bang a chick wearing a lamb skin rubber in the ass it smells like a gyro
n ur ballsweat will be the cucumber sauce”

ROTFL!!! I just threw up in my mouth a little.
OMG! *DECEASED*

shabooty is one sick puppy. sick. LOL

7 05 2008
Educated NSU Demon

“I will continue to take suggestions only from the thoughts that pop into my head when I encounter someone (like you) or something (like your email) is so saturated with unfounded horseshit that I’m forced into the bathroom to get it out of my system.”

[Slows down laughing JUST ENOUGH to get up off the floor and back in the chair] Chris, I believe you’ve won the internet for that statement alone.

I love this blog, and enjoy getting up in the morning to read the latest rant(s), but I find it hilarious that someone out there took your blog seriously enough to dissect it enough to devise that email. But I’m sure that I’m not TOO off the mark in assuming that you get several emails like this from idiots trying to sound intelligent almost everyday…in which case I’m sure you have a good mixed bag of material to pick from on a dry day. lol But yea, nicely done Aside.

P.S. And as far as attracting women, you forgot to mention you’re light-skinned. That helps too. (I’m kidding (although I’m probably not wrong)).

7 05 2008
Tiger

BTW I’m a dude. I’m also addicted to this website, and I usually just read the posts. Just stating my opinion candidly. It wouldn’t be any fun if all the posts were a pat on the back now would it?

7 05 2008
Shine

Man shabooty, don’t you ever go away. I want to hear from your sillyass everyday. The simple shit you spout always makes my day

7 05 2008
Lolo

I love shabooty because no matter how low my sick mind goes, I know shabooty’s already been there and made it his own.

7 05 2008
shabooty

thanks shine
$

7 05 2008
Shine

You’re welcome honey

7 05 2008
rai

why did no one tell me about this freakin blog??? I am at work CRYING!!! I love him. lol

9 05 2008
dynamicdiva

Wow Negrodamus, you see ALL!

This is my new phrase for the week. Thanks for this!

12 05 2008
Merri Lee

Continuing w/stupid emails, you’ve got to post about Spam. I’m at work, a supervisor walks over, and an email with the subject line “she will lick you dry” comes up with a woman posing next to a, um, “giant rooster” Trying to explain that was interesting.

14 05 2008
Uhura

Negrodamus…LOL!

22 06 2008
chaoticdiva

^ yea, thats what made me laugh as well.

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