Aside: Stupid Emails

6 05 2008

I received the following email today:

“Hi Chris,

I would first like to say that I absolutely love your blog! It is funny, real, honest, intellectual and quite the refreshing read after a long day’s work.

Having said that, I do have a suggestion for you. I think your blog should continue as “stuff black people hate” instead of your personal dating site. I do not know about the other women who read your blog, but I am completely aware that the FAQ’s ‘are you single/available’ and ‘do you date women who aren’t black’ are ploys to get you a hot black woman in the dc area. I am not mad at your attempt to find companionship; however, I do think it takes away from the blog.

I’m really not trying to bust your balls; I just thought you should know!

Thank you for the tireless energy that you focus towards the blog and please keep up the great work!!”

Given the not-at-all-veiled backhandedness of this email, I spent about ten minutes trying to figure out if Hillary Clinton wrote it. After all, Mrs. Clinton has a tendency to believe that coating an ‘eat-shit’ fish sammich with honey somehow makes it go down easier, which is true…but only with stupid fucking people from rural Ohio and Pennsylvania.

Figure 1: Thanks for ruining this delicious sandwich for me, asshole

After awhile I realized that Hillary Clinton probably doesn’t care very much about me, so I took the email for what it was: the electronic musings of someone who read the Cliff’s Notes for a Dale Carnegie book and got it all the fuck wrong. Since this reader failed to win me over as a friend or influence me to tear down my FAQ section or whatever the hell she wanted me to do*, and since she’s probably not the only person with these sentiments, and since I’m bored for once, I’ll simply rip apart each sentence of her second paragraph as I sit here on the toilet with the door open so I can hear Family Guy in the next room:

1.) Having said that, I do have a suggestion for you.

I don’t care. Seriously. If I listened to the suggestions of every person with half an opinion that emailed me, the following would have happened by now:

  • I would have stopped writing this blog because “Beyonce might see it and find it seriously offensive” [from an email in mid-March]
  • I would have written dozens of posts about mayonnaise [countless emails and comments]
  • I would be at the head of a movement to convince black people to move back to Africa [oddly enough, this idea was posed to me by both a black supremacist and a white supremacist ON THE SAME DAY]

No fucking thanks. I will continue to take suggestions only from the thoughts that pop into my head when I encounter someone (like you) or something (like your email) is so saturated with unfounded horseshit that I’m forced into the bathroom to get it out of my system.

2.) I think your blog should continue as “stuff black people hate” instead of your personal dating site.

This might be a valid comment if I had ever, in the 3 or so months this site has been up, so much as indirectly attempted in any way to date anyone that’s contacted me about this site. Since that isn’t the case, I suppose that renders you guilty of 1st degree aggravated falsely-presumptive jackassery. I think you get the chair for that in Texas.

3.) I do not know about the other women who read your blog, but I am completely aware that the FAQ’s ‘are you single/available’ and ‘do you date women who aren’t black’ are ploys to get you a hot black woman in the dc area.

Wow Negrodamus, you see ALL! I shouldn’t be angry at you though, because woman-law mandates that you draw outlandish conclusions from a man’s simple statements of fact. My FAQ section was written for practical purposes: to answer frequently asked questions. To address the two FAQs you mentioned specifically, the idea was to reduce the number of emails I got asking me if I was single [209 of these] and if I dated non-black women [59 of these]. After I posted the FAQ, these emails slowed significantly. Smart people call it ‘Problem Solving’.

As for a so-called ‘ploy’ to attract hot black women…no. I am decently paid, well educated, cultured, kind of a jerk, and I can even be witty from time to time – so I have neither the time nor the need to devise scams to attract the opposite sex. I do just fine being myself, thank you.

4.) I am not mad at your attempt to find companionship; however, I do think it takes away from the blog.

I am not mad at you for emailing me with your inane suggestions based on incorrect assumptions; however, I do think it’s taking away from the satisfaction of the dump I’m taking right…[strain]…now.

*Unless her goal was to get me to write about her email; in which case, I can’t win em all dammit.