I arrived at work today unusually pissed off. I spent about 20 minutes on the Metro trying to work on a Flash website while some idiot 3 seats behind me was listening to stupid fucking Lil’ Wayne so loud I could actually feel myself getting dumber.
Upon escaping the train, I hop on the goddamn bus. Some fat fuck forklifts herself onto the bus too, nearly flipping the goddamn thing over. The next part of this story I am not exaggerating in the least: the INSTANT the bus pulls off, this gravitron yanks the stop-request cord. The bus comes to a halt at the next stop less than 200 yards from her point of entry, and she lumbers off the bus as the vehicle’s suspension heaves a sigh of relief. As the bus pulls off, I watch in utter disbelief as she appears to be walking into a convenience store. This chick is so fat she actually defies the laws of optics and appears to get BIGGER as I get farther away from her. I turn to see the expressions on the faces of everyone else. I see a combination of rage and amusement.
Figure 1: Fat chick asking the driver to stop the bus
Fat people piss me off because of a.) the sheer number of them in this country and b.) how little they do to keep from getting fat. Fat people clog up the doors on buses and subways. Fat people sit in restaurants for hours at a time, forcing other people to wait forever to get a seat. Fat people sweat all over EVERYTHING! The sweat makes them smell absolutely atrocious. Fat people jack up the cost of health care like it’s their fucking job. It takes 100 acres of cotton to make just ONE T-SHIRT for a 350lb man. They breathe too hard. They eat too much. They refuse to walk anywhere. They get elected to congress. It’s fucking disgusting, and it has to be stopped.
I went completely fucking apeshit on Europe a few posts back, but there’s one thing they definitely have (at least in Spain and Portugal) that I’d be willing to go back for over and over again: a nearly total absence of fat people.
Figure 2: Goddammit
In Spain, you had to fucking walk EVERYWHERE, lest you wind up blowing half your salary on gasoline (which is INSANELY EXPENSIVE in Europe), cab rides, or expensive public transit. You have to WALK to work. You have to WALK to wherever you get lunch, and then WALK back to work. Then you WALK back home for the ‘siesta’ or whatever the fuck it is over there. Then you WALK back to work again. Then you WALK from work to the market to get your food. Then you WALK the fuck home and cook your food. Then you WALK to wherever the hell it is you hang out with your buddies in your fruity horizontally-striped shirt, superskinny jeans and faux-hawk hairdo to talk in your fruity Euro-speak about how much you hate America despite the fact that your economy rides the waves we produce, and how cool it is that you feign a 150 fucking Euro club cover charge to anyone that even remotely resembles an American.
Figure 3: Average European male. Note the lack of fatness.
But no matter how much Europeans suck, they have this over us: they walk more, eat less, and do less sitting around, leading to a blissful absence of fatassitude. No fat people stinking up the elevators. No fat people taking up an extra 60 seconds on your bus commute. No fat people sweating on your home inspection checklist (can you tell this happened to me? CAN YA?). No fat people eating philly cheesesteaks with a DIET FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING COKE BECAUSE THEY’RE “WATCHING THEIR CALORIES!!!” Drop the soda and pick of a big ol’ can of lipolysis, you ginormous fucking gastropod!
Figure 4: You can have a Fanta, or the Fantanas. You cannot have both. Choose wisely, you fat bastard.
Raise gas prices, goddammit. $9 a gallon for all I give a shit. Make these fat motherfuckers walk, or at least roll end over end wherever the fuck it is they have to go. Too fat to walk? MELT ‘EM. FUCKING MELT THEM! Melt them before the very eyes of the living fatties that they might behold the awful price of diet soda and a sedentary lifestyle. Melt them down, mix their remains with ethanol, and let everyone see me drive off in the first fatty/ethanol hybrid monster truck, which I will happily use to bulldoze every fast food restaurant in the country*
Figure 5: Stay Puft Fleshmallow Boy
*Except Popeyes. But you have to take a BMI test before being allowed in. Fail the BMI test, and you will be melted.