Attractive Women

25 04 2008

Karma is a bitch.

Several years ago when I was in college, I was walking outside near the student union with a friend of mine (this is the same guy that leaves comments on my blog under the name ‘Tom Harkin’). Across the street and walking towards us was an extremely attractive and scantily clad woman and, in typical Tom Harkin fashion, he pretty much completely lost the ability to do anything but gawk at her menacingly.

Figure 1: Tom Harkin (black dude, fifth from left), lover/hater of all women, on Halloween

Predictably, Tom Harkin was so distracted by this girl that he walked right into a fucking lamp post. I saw the pole he was going to run into, but I didn’t say anything because I knew how fucking funny it would be. I’m a dick, and I’m not apologizing for it.

Nearly eight years later, Karma came back to bite me in the ass. As I walked into the Korean Tax-Evasion deli in the office this morning to grab a sammich, there was a GORGEOUS African girl standing near the entrance. And as I affixed my Tom Harkinesque gaze on her for far too long…I walked right the fuck into a stand of chips. The whole fucking thing fell over, made an enormous metallic crashing sound, and sent several dozen bags of Doritos, Sun Chips, Fritos, and Dirty BBQ potato chips all over the floor of the place. Mr. Kim, the owner of the store, is looking at me in utter disbelief as I say “this is clearly not my fault.” The hot African girl is covering her mouth oh-so-delicately trying to politely hold in her laughter. Other people in the deli are looking at me like I just whipped out my cock and stuck in in somebody’s cheese steak. This is not a good way to start the morning.

Attractive women all over the country are constantly causing problems through the flaunting of their swankiness. Everyday, men waste hundreds of dollars in drinks, walk into poles, fall down staircases, crash their cars, and become the subjects of national embarrassment as a result of staring at irresistibly attractive women and their assorted parts.

Figure 2: And you thought he wore shades to be cool…

To this end, I’m going to offer some tips for my fellow men to gawk at attractive women without injuring or embarrassing themselves*:

1.) Stop moving. Whether you’re walking, running, driving a car, or flying a helicopter…STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Stop walking, pull the car over, or land the fucking whirlybird, because if you don’t you are going to crash into a fucking wall and a.) look like an idiot, or b.) die. Once you’ve come to a complete stop, make sure you…

2.) Assess the target. The only thing worse than embarrassing yourself by gawking at a hot chick is embarrassing yourself by looking at an ugly chick that only looks hot from a certain angle. A woman is likely to look more attractive than she really is if she’s standing with her back to you, bending over, doing a split, or sliding down a pole. If you’ve got a bad angle, make sure you’ve got a good one before beginning your gawk. Once you know you have a gawk-worthy target…

3.) Set a time limit. You’ve only got 3 – 5 seconds of gawking time before the woman, or other people around you, figure out what you’re doing. You must determine if you want to gawk at the face, the boobs, the ass, the legs, or the hips**, and you’re probably not gonna get them all in one gawk. You need at least 1.5 seconds to appreciate any single part of the woman’s body, so conduct triage appropriately. Now you’re ready to gawk, but be sure you…

4.) Start at the bottom…and work your way up. If, for example, you want to gawk at her ass, boobs, and face, then you must start with the legs and end at the face. This protects you in the event your gawkage goes on for too long and she whips around and catches you; you’re more likely to be caught looking at her face. But remember, as you approach the top of the body, make sure you…

5.) Adjust your face. When men see hot chicks, our faces immediately get set to stupid. The ‘I see a hot chick’ face is instantly recognizable, so you must remove this countenance as early as possible in your gawk. God forbid you get caught looking like one of these idiots:

Figure 3: Watch yourself.

Good luck, gentlemen, and happy gawking.

*I’ve found myself compelled to write this article ever since I was on a date recently, the girl got up to go to the bathroom, and I was caught staring happily at her ass as she walked away by a woman at the table next to me. She gave me the stink eye. Fuck her. Ain’t my fault the girl got a booty, dammit.

**If you gawk at anything weird, like feet or elbows or ears or some shit, kill yourself, you fucking freak.

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155 responses

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

“I walked right the fuck into a stand of chips. The whole fucking thing fell over, made an enormous metallic crashing sound, and sent several dozen bags of Doritos, Sun Chips, Fritos, and Dirty BBQ potato chips all over the floor of the place.”

Walk walk walk …. BOOP…. (profanity) sndfsgsdfgasdkgjbnasdlfigjaenrolgiudsnfl CRASH…. SHIT EVERYWHERE

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

25 04 2008
imaG

I was in the car with my friend, he was checkin out this girl to our right, dude drove up on the curb almost hit a lampost…yeah we looked stupid, she felt special damn her

http://www.anythingblack.net

25 04 2008
Mr. Smith

LMBAO!!!! Finally a peaceful funny topic! All too true for us poor “I see pretty girl” fellas. My favorite time was when I met this girl that for a whole year when I saw her I did something stupid. DURING A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME, the ball bounced on my head because I was so busy staring at her. I even stared long enough for her to cover her mouth to not laugh as said ball boinked off my head and into my teammate’s hands.

Happily ever after, she and I finally met later that year and have been together for 3.5 years 😀

How sad this topic will probably turn into all of us talking about gay people or how much we hate mosquitos.

25 04 2008
whiteblackeducatedhater or whatever i am today

so…not to hop on a bandwagon, but your next topic should totally be about how black ppl hate the police…unless you’ve already covered this topic and i missed it.

25 04 2008
kam

i literally laughed out loud at your post ! abso hilare!

25 04 2008
Lady

LOL!

A friend of mine had poured his drink all over the table oogling someone in a restaurant.. to make it worse after it spilled off the edge of the table onto his lap he hopped up screaming ‘Shit!’ with a wet lap and everyone at the table, including the woman in the fishnets walking by burst out laughing.

He still got her number though..

25 04 2008
hb

Not to go off topic, but since this headline – “3 detectives aquitted in Bell shooting” came up this morning, I have been waiting with hope that you would cover this topic, as I just can’t get past the pissed off stage to comprehend how this kinda b.s. just keeps happening.

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

@ Mr Smith… that was a nice story. 🙂 Anger Level- 7/10

Not nearly as funny… I remember when I was in high school… One dayI was getting a ride from a friend of mine’s mother. We were on Liberty Road traveling east when I spotted a very attractive young lady on the sidewalk. and my head and eyes (get your head out of gutter) managed to lock on and maintain visual contact with her as we drove past.

That was when my buddy’s mom piped up… “Don’t break your neck back there honey.”

That mess made it back to school the next day.

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

hb and wbeh…

Check the Hillary Post. We were discussing that earlier.

DAMMIT… now you’ve done it…

ANGER LEVEL- 8/10

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

LOL@Attractive women all over the country are constantly causing problems through the flaunting of their swankiness. Everyday, men waste hundreds of dollars in drinks, walk into poles, fall down staircases, crash their cars, and become the subjects of national embarrassment as a result of staring at irresistibly attractive women and their assorted parts.

hahahah thats shit is to funny..yesterday afternoon I was jogging with my dog as usual and this guy was on the opposite side of the street jogging and then looked across at me in my gray short shorts and white tank and wouldnt take his eyes away and said hi and then I said hi, well on that side of the street the sidewalk is uneven and he was at the part where the sidewalk rose so instead of paying attention to wear he was going his ass tripped and basically did a front flip and bust his face. I tried so hard not to laugh and asked him if he was ok and he looked over and gave me this dumb ass goofy face and was like “Yea damn sidewalk trying to kill me”. then not even a minute later a bunch of dudes in a car came zooming passed and then stomped on the breaks and backed up just to talk to me and a damn car was coming too…dudes trying too hard sometimes

25 04 2008
Esquire

Chris,

you know I am a big fan of yours, but how come you dont have any pics of BLACK WOMEN on here?

Just wondering.

Now, Im secretly glad the African made you knock over the chips. Ill stop hating on you tomorrow.

25 04 2008
maya

When accidents happen as a direct result from gawking it makes a girl feel so damn cute 🙂

25 04 2008
Voodoobooty

I looooove making accidents happen.

However, I am sooooooooo fucking pissed about this bullshit! I want riots. I’m tired of this bullshit, still feels like Jim Crow.

25 04 2008
maya

LMFAO @ AF

25 04 2008
scarletjones

LMAO! aww i’m sorry you fell into a whole damn stand of chips!

the funniest thing i’ve ever seen was when me and my hubby were walking in manhattan and this superbad woman was coming up the block (yes I can say a chic was bad even though I’m a woman). Anyway, not only did all of the male walking traffic completely stop, hubby completely stopped his train of conversation we were having to stare! and did a neck break checkin out the back. all of this was witnessed by her jerk off looking dude who was basking in the triumph the whole time.

I feel bad for my homeboys sometime because men are so visual they just can’t even help it.

25 04 2008
Lindsay

Let’s take this one step further.

Women who hate attractive women.

Let’s discuss…

25 04 2008
Sister Toldja

AWWWWW, LOL! I’d be flattered if someone ran into something looking at me! I had something like that happen before, but the dude was….yeah, no. But it was still flattering.

Chris-There is a paucity of attractive women in the pictures in a post titled Attractive Women. In other news, guess who is feeling like a RAVING bitch today? (But I am sure all is forgiven, because I used my powers for good today when that White girl came at you wrong, didn’t I?).

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

It’s fucked up when dudes beep their horns at you when your enjoying a walk with your hubby…this happened 2 weeks ago when we were walking the dog…what cracks me up is when I go get the mail on the weekend still in my scruffy PJ’s and dudes stare and holler..Im like damn I didnt even comb my hair yet and you think im cute still…hahah

25 04 2008
Esquire

Im sorry, Im leaving work as one cracka just walked by my office on her way to lunch stating “Whats the big deal, those policeman were hispanic and black”

Notice how oliver, the cracka cop, reloaded his semiautomatic to spray 31 bullets by him damn self.

Let me get outta here before I start my own personal riot. Have a good weekend everyone. stay in the house, dont get shot. If your in SC, dont get pulled over, they will chase your ass down and hit you with a car AND videotape it.

Im not kidding.

25 04 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Lindsay- Can we though? I don’t understand it. My pretty plus your pretty equals more pretty. A good looking woman doesn’t do anything to hurt me, so long as she doesn’t actually do anything to hurt me! These heffas out here working in these stores and restauraunts, drinking in the bars, shopping, driving, etc and giving pretty girls the screw face for NO REASON. And God forbid you are light-skinned with a certain hair texture*! Then you are the bitch of the world to one of these women, until you jump through hoops to prove you are “cool” or down.

I don’t think I am the finest thing ever, but everyday since I can remember, someone has told me that I am good looking. And on damn near all of those days, some woman has treated me with some funky ass attitude. Do better sisters.

*-These features are NOT the source of any woman’s attractiveness, nor do they guarantee attractiveness. But you know how our people can be…

25 04 2008
Machete

Hilarious post!!!

The worst is the stalker-drive-along-side-you-while-you-walk-somewhere guy. Ugggghhh!

25 04 2008
Machete

@scarletjones

I wont lie, I would probably have been staring at her too… sometimes you just gotta appreciate beauty.

25 04 2008
brran1

As much as we try to play it cool, as soon as a beautiful woman walks by, we automatically lose 130 IQ points. This is coming from a dude that walked into a metal door when he saw this one female on campus a few weeks back…

25 04 2008
Mr. Smith

@ Mrs Epps,

If that’s annoying, you woulda hated my cousins and me this past summer. Hurricane Chris fueled out ignorance at Bethany Beach in Delaware. Whether the girls were tannin’ in their lil bikinis on the beach or te board walk or downtown, none of em were safe from our boarder line harrassing, still cute cuz it got us numbers “Aye Bay Bay!”s.

25 04 2008
Mr. Smith

Wow wow wow wow wow….. I’m mad late but….

TOM HARKIN?!?!?!

25 04 2008
Lady

@ Lindsay:

Let’s take this one step further.

Women who hate attractive women.

Let’s discuss…

I have one friend like that. Every sentence start with ‘she thank she awllat..’ She just throws grease, shade, hate for no reason. And half of the chicks she hates on aren’t even that attractive.. they’re all buttafaces. For me to find someone attractive they have to have a cute face.. there are women who look like they hail from Easter Island and she’ll be like ‘she thank she cute in her baby phat… flippin her hair and shit.. i can’t stand bitches like that..’ I’m like WTF? It’s a self esteem thing.. i have to tell her like what Jay Z said ‘what she eat don’t make you shit..’ Get over it. There is always going to be someon prettier than.. skinnier than.. lighter than.. darkter than.. has bigger breasts than.. has bigger butt than..

Like you said ST, one woman’s pretty doesn’t take away from the other. It’s like when a woman walks into a room and she looks ‘breathtaking’. All the men look and a good portion of the women scowl.. now why you gotta go and do that love, huh? Being comfortable in your skin is one of the most attractive things you can do..

25 04 2008
Lady

wtf is darkter?? SMH @ myself

25 04 2008
Pelle

“Other people in the deli are looking at me like I just whipped out my cock and stuck in in somebody’s cheese steak. This is not a good way to start the morning.”

Resisting … Urge… To… Explode with Laughter… At work

25 04 2008
maya

I have a rule about having ugly friends. Rule being that I don’t. LMAO.

25 04 2008
Lindsay

Gee Maya,

As your friend, I’m flattered.

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Lindsay-I cant stand those women that hate on pretty women. Some of my friends do that too. Like say we go out to the club orsomething and they see this girl who is very pretty getting attention from dudes or whatever… they wanna say one of three statements sometimes all.

1. That pretty bitch
2. I cant stand those pretty bitch that get all the dudes int he club
3. Look at her and her pretty ass acting like a club hoe

HATING ASSES!!

Sister Toldja- I agree with you for the most part of my life I have been that girl that was pretty and was well known in school and was cool with everyone but there was always everywhere i went that hating ass bitch that would give me the stink eye liek she knew me.

What I also cant stand is the pretty girls with ugly attitudes. Like they think that because they are attractive and stuff they can be a complete bitches to everyone else. The girl that always says Dont be mad cuz your ugly and I’m not. Those vain ass bicthes make me wanna go Postal on their asses.

I had a friend that I had to let go that would always hate on one of my friends calling her ugly and shit like that. Like I mean she wasnt the most attractive girl of the bunch but she had a beautiful attitiude which made her pretty in my eyes plus a little eyeliner hahah. But you get what I saying.

And what I hate the most about society what they say is pretty and what is not. Society says rail thin,tan but not black, straight hair, fake boobs and blue eyes is pretty an d say thats what every man dreams about. What man wants to hug let alone fuck a girl that is nothing but bones? Could imagien fucking some chick from behind and her ass bones as sharpe as a knief hitting up against you hahahah i think not.

Not cute.. http://drx.typepad.com/psychotherapyblog/images/2007/08/22/twiggy.jpg

25 04 2008
zoso

Seems like everybody’s in a good mood today! This one and Mr. Smith’s story had me crackin’ up.

Also, excuse my ignorance, but what’s SMH?

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Mr Smith-If that’s annoying, you woulda hated my cousins and me this past summer. Hurricane Chris fueled out ignorance at Bethany Beach in Delaware. Whether the girls were tannin’ in their lil bikinis on the beach or te board walk or downtown, none of em were safe from our boarder line harrassing, still cute cuz it got us numbers “Aye Bay Bay!”s.

hahahha this is Mr Smith 50 yrs from now..

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

zoso-SMH=shake my head

25 04 2008
scarletjones

OOOH Mrs. Epps! where you find that video of my crazy ass uncle? haha just playin.

That reminded me of my time living in atlanta as an undergrad. It’s a shame that it really works on some women.

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

hahahah@ scraletjones girlllllll youtube has everydamn thing int he world hahahah and yes i have witnessed the same thing in atlanta going to a morehouse party…me and my friends drove from jax florida for that let me holla holla holla holla bullshit I was pissed but it was still a good party.

25 04 2008
Lindsay

As a girl who went from ‘nothing special’ in the looks department in elementary-middle school to dudes having unprofessed and unrequited crushes on me in high school (I think I look the same, but whatever), I am truly baffled when I get the stink-eye from some girl/woman/old lady for no other reason (because they don’t know me, so what else could it be?) than how I look, it puzzles and saddens me.

Even when I wasn’t considered attractive (I may still not be, depending on the person’s taste), I didn’t ‘hate’ on the girls who were. I was friends with all of them, and I was secure in myself (ironically, the ones who were pretty back then are now 20-30 lbs. overweight now and aren’t catching much attention).

This ties in very well with the women-hating women post of a few days ago.

25 04 2008
benjie

i know someone besides me has been to the greek here in philly.

oh the things that i have seen.
one year, when a friend was going through her “i’m a lesbian because men suck” phase, she was staring at some chick’s ass and almost hit a cop. it was the funniest thing that i have ever seen.

25 04 2008
Lady

@ Mrs. Epps – What I also cant stand is the pretty girls with ugly attitudes. Like they think that because they are attractive and stuff they can be a complete bitches to everyone else. The girl that always says Dont be mad cuz your ugly and I’m not. Those vain ass bicthes make me wanna go Postal on their asses.

Yesss.. Some women let it go to their head that so many guys find them atttractive and they start acting like Caroline (think Outkast, Roses). I can’t stand that.. that whole ‘Attractive people don’t need personality, we look good, personality is for ugly people’ credence that some attractive people have is just annoying

25 04 2008
Lady

I cannot spell today.

I also want to say that guys can be equally as guilty of the aforementioned credence, except they’re usually a little more irreverent with theirs..

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Lol@ benjie i have a friend like too but she has always been bisexual and it was funny one day going to the beach in Miami there was this chick on the beach laid out with no top on. I mean my friend flat out was drooling liek she was about to get breastfeed walking down the stairs to the beach and missed like 3 steps and fell forward. I was laughing my ass off for the rest of the day.

25 04 2008
scarletjones

while everyone is on the subject of women-hating women and pretty vs. ugly, someone put me on to a Tyra episode (shame on me and my soul I actually watched it!) last night where she was talking about skin color and light vs. dark skinned and the issues surrounding it.

of course the “pretty hating” subject came up, but it was mostly just another avenue for tyra to work out her personal issues on tv.

by the way, who the hell is Tyra tryna be? Oprah, Ricky, or Geraldo?

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Right@ Lady…dont get me started on the men girlllllllllllll i think i said this in one of my comments before but my ex-boyfriend was one of those mutha fukaz! Dude swore that everyone else was the toilet and he was the shit(ref.from a lil wayne song on carter II). Like I mean he was a pretty boy too, lightskinned, built, 6’3, bald, packing down below, pretty smile all that shit but the side effects of being with this assclown was urge to bomb his car, vomitting, uncontrolable crying, bitchiness,urge to kill him and his bitchass friends. Dude would hate on everyone…HAD TO CUT HIM OFF

25 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

Hi. At least the African girl didn’t steal your penis.
So why do men honkat/holla out of the window at women? What’s the logic since men are so logical? I guess the prospect of sex trumps logic.

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

I think I saw that one too scarletjones…SMH black is fuckin black to me dark, light, medium, chocolate,pastey brown,yella,golden brown,bronze, cinnamon black is fuckin black dammit.

I think Tyra is shooting for Jenny Jones hahah sike naw you know her ass want’s to be the next Oprah..I cant watch Oprah she makes wanna take a nap sometimes her and Martha Stewart should read to preK kids right before nap time…

25 04 2008
NotBlonde

@scarletjones LOL, Tyra is always putting her personal shit on tv. That Naomi Campbell bit is the most egregious example.

I’ve had several weird encounters with guys where they ran into things/fell down stairs but this is the funniest one and has a woman-hating-on-“pretty”-girl. So I went to a club one night with some friends of mine. I walk up to the bar (and as I was underage at the time) tried to get a bottle of water. This mangy looking dude came up to be and asked me if he could buy me a drink and I said no I’m getting some water. He’s like, well can i buy your water? I said no and he shuffled off. Literally a second and a half later this very tall Amazonian woman came up with her equally tall friends, gave me the stink eye and said LOUDLY: “Look at that lil short bitch thinkin’ she cute cuz some dude wanna talk to her.” I just wandered off in shock and was feeling kinda down when this dude who was walking briskly toward me and staring at my boobs ran full on into a railing and squashed his um…down there area. Poor guy dropped to the floor in pain and we actually had a lovely chat afterward about guys staring at girls.

Another guy ran into a lamppost on his bike and I don’t know how many times I’ve had guys do the creepy follow me with their car thing. When will guys realize that it freaks girls out? I feel like at any moment they are gonna stop the car and pull out a gun and attack me.

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Nobody…. knows… the trouble I see…. Nobody knows… but Jesus.

25 04 2008
benjie

mrs. epps- it got to the point where my friends and i just started referring to her as “bi-seasonal”, b/c it seemed that she only liked girls in the summer, when they were half dressed. she has since found the lord and is looking for a man.

lmao @ knaturalbeauty. i read the penis stealing article the other day. i almost fell out of my chair

25 04 2008
zoso

So I gotta pre-face this in that I live in an area/go to an institution that’s predominately white. But I’ve noticed these common things regardless of if I’m in this town, or elsewhere:

White females are still considered intelligent/classy, etc regardless of if they’re wearing practically nothing- ultra see through _, thongs, ultra tight short shorts with letters on the booty, you name it, or anything – CROCS.
Of course they’re going to school and gettin’ a degree.

On the contrary, let a black female wear something like this:


and rest assured she can’t possibly be intelligent. Nope. She got in cause of affirmative action. Pisses me off.

25 04 2008
scarletjones

@AF and the negro spiritual —-> *expiring*

@NB – yeah man, i think that Tyra just don’t wanna pay her therapist anymore…. which was a wise decision because that fool was worthless if she still workin on some of this shit!

The craziest thing i’ve ever had said to me was from some dude in the passenger side of a car. he get’s his boy to stop so he can deliver this gem: “Girl you almost made me have a car accident…. and i ain’t even DRIVIN!”

25 04 2008
maya

HAHAHAHA. AF is on a roll with me today.

Let’s talk about how on Tuesday morning I’m driving to go get my Barack the Vote on and some coon tries to get me to do a U-Turn on the block so his walking-pedestrian ass can try to holler. He obviously saw me laughing at his simple ass when I peeped him walk into a mailbox ’cause his eyes were all across the street with me and mines instead of on the path in front of him. So he continues to make these big arm motions to signal me over, and shouts, “C’mere, c’mere real quick!” from across the street. Clearly, I had one simple question for folks that day:

“Nigga, did you vote?”

“Oh yeah. Yeah, ma…I just came from voting.”

“Mmhmm…and who did you vote for?”

“Oh. Me? I voted for Barack Obama. Yeah, yeah. That’s how we do over here!”

Coonery at its finest.

25 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA@Not Blonde’s story. The ‘pretty vs. ugly’ debate – hilarious. It happens everywhere, while shopping, filling a gas tank, eating lunch, hair salon – everywhere. When I pass people on the street, women & men, I usually make eye contact and smile/nod. It kills me how women will look away or not smile back. I’m not trying to get your number, just saying ‘hello’.

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

COONERY AT ITS FINEST!!!!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate over exaggerated dudes like that. Come on… get some class. (shaking head)

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

right @ knatrual..the women in our new neighbohood were just like that when we moved in our house back in January. These Upper Marlboro bitches will stank eye the shit out of you. After the 1st few weeks when I would see one of them outside and stuff I would say hi and they would look at me like i was fucking crazy to even speak or look in their direction. Now that its been almost 4-5 months here they finally want to talk to me. LIek they would say hi to my hubby all the time but not me ever until now. YOU CANT EVER BE NICE TO BITHCHES!! Ahhh

25 04 2008
maya

Sidebar: I’m still watching CNN – one of these coons said “I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” and I wanted throw something at my TV.

Then the white boy says something about “his pal” and something or another.

The other coon is the only one who apologized to the Bell family.

25 04 2008
maya

I can’t handle real life right now. Going to get a mindless manicure and go party with Kappas and drink NUPE juice until I can’t see straight. Holler scholars.

25 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

Ride the Scooter.

25 04 2008
Seven

@ Maya- I’m with you on that one. Between politics, the Sean Bell verdict and the fact that I cannot find a new job to save my life, reality is really kicking my ass today.
Kudos to the light-hearted post today, though. The whole chip scenario with the attractive woman did cause me crack a smile this afternoon; hopefully my face won’t break.

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

@Maya… Kappas? You’re killing me.

25 04 2008
Iloveblackpeople

AF–LOL…what’s wrong with a Kappa party and some Nupe juice? I just wish the Divine Nine where I stay had parties!

25 04 2008
Sister Toldja

From the ignorant nigga files:

So this dude, who looked and smelled like Jim Jones, rolls up like “Yo, ma, you the most beautiful woman I ever seent” and I tell him “Thanks”. And he’s like “So, what’s next? I feel like this is love at first sight.” And I of course lie and see I have a man. And he says….”What does that have to do with me licking that (NO HE DIDNT) and that (YES HE DID!) until you (HELL NO!) all over my tounge”. I damn near vomited all over the street. Oh, can I mention that I was listening to Queen Latifah’s “Fly Girl” at the moment? This is the song where she complained about the phrase “Yo baby”. Shiiiiit, I will take a “Yo baby” with a side of “Come here, sexy” any day of the week compared to this MF!

And, seeing my reaction, he says “I am sorry if I offended you. I guess I gotta go home and commit suicide now, huh?” I told him “Yes, please.”

25 04 2008
Lady

@ Sister Toldja

Why would a man even want a woman who responds positively to some shit like that? That’s disgusting.

I’ve heard some pretty nasty ish in my day as far as “pick up lines” but that’s just disgusting.

I usually get older men hitting on me, divorced, married, close to retirement age, old enough to be my father.. unfortunately age doesnt make a difference in the nasty factor.. sometimes the older men are worse. The shit didn’t work with you in 1972, why would it work now??

25 04 2008
benjie

yo!
i just got a text message from some random dude that i stopped talking to weeks ago…
“damn and i was gonna eat that right”
like that was gonna make me want to call him.

sheesh…

ooh and the time that some dude told me (and i quote)
“no disrepect ma, but i’m tryna pound”

*dead*

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

ST-So this dude, who looked and smelled like Jim Jones, rolls up like “Yo, ma, you the most beautiful woman I ever seent” and I tell him “Thanks”. And he’s like “So, what’s next? I feel like this is love at first sight.” And I of course lie and see I have a man. And he says….”What does that have to do with me licking that (NO HE DIDNT) and that (YES HE DID!) until you (HELL NO!) all over my tounge”. I damn near vomited all over the street. Oh, can I mention that I was listening to Queen Latifah’s “Fly Girl” at the moment? This is the song where she complained about the phrase “Yo baby”. Shiiiiit, I will take a “Yo baby” with a side of “Come here, sexy” any day of the week compared to this MF!

Girl I think his brother tried to hit on me with the same pick up line..ol scruffy looking ass at the bar with no type of home trainning yelling in my fucking ear like I was deaf. everytime i hear this line “well whats your man got to do with me” makes me wanna scream. If your a real man and not a boy don’t ever use that shit. You will never get a real woman like that.. maybe a girl who could carless about her current boyfriend but a woman hell no! Dudes always try that crap on me and then gets mad when his 1/2 washed ass gets rejected and has the nerve to call me an ugly bitch for it. That she cracks me up when dudes say that. I’m like ok now I’m an ugly bitch because I didnt want to sgtrip down right there and start fucking him. NIGAAA PLEASE leave the high shcool kiddie shit at home. I’ll be the bitch!

25 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Lady, I wanted to cry. I honestly felt violated. I want to meet the bitch (no miso) who has responded to that type of ish positively so I can beat her ass on behalf of all remotely decent women.

“You got some nice lips” and “I like your legs” are also cause for upset. I will say this- the only men who use lines like this with me are the unattractive, schlubby ones who I would talk to under no circumstances ANYWAY. No good looking man has ever came at me this way, and thank God, because I am such a sucker for a pretty face….I’d make myself reject him though…..

25 04 2008
The Cruel Secretary

@Mrs. Epps–I’m so a fan of yours.

@ Sister Toldja–
“And, seeing my reaction, he says “I am sorry if I offended you. I guess I gotta go home and commit suicide now, huh?” I told him “Yes, please.””

LMBAO Gurl, that was brilliant.

25 04 2008
Lady

@ ST

The worst thing I ever heard is when I was leaving a club. It was warm, and I had on a baby doll top that showed a moderate amount of cleavage. I dont go out assaulting people’s eyes with my breasts, it wasn’t slutty or anything. This goon grabs my arm and his other hand is squeezing his you-know-what and he yells ‘damn ma, is them tiddies real?’. So I yanked my arm from him and yelled ‘Fuck is wrong with you don’t grab me MF I dont know you!’ this fool has the nerve to try and curse ME out… i was like now ain’t this a bitch.

One time I was out with my brother, we went to McDonalds.. the cashier kept smiling at me and i smiled back cause I didnt want him to rub his balls on my food.. he put the fries down and I took one out and I was like ‘Whoa Jerel, look how long this one is!’ and the cashier was like ‘oh bebe.. you like long? i got something for you’ and my brother damn near hopped over the counter LOL.. I’m saying though for all he knew that could have been my man.. in both cases the men were in their 30’s at least and I was in my early twenties… no class.

25 04 2008
NotBlonde

@ Mrs Epps.
I know what you mean with the “you a ugly bitch” thing. I have had that happen a ridiculous amount of times. They try to talk to you, you reject them in some way and they always say something along the lines of : “Fine bitch, you ugly anyway” or “I didn’t want your ugly ass anyway” or “I wasn’t tryna hit your ugly ass, you lucky I was talkin to you” or “Imma get me a bitch who knows what she want” (that is a real quote, by the way). I was thinking, dude I know what I want and it sure as hell isn’t you.

25 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

I think of a man. And then I take away reason and accountability.

25 04 2008
NotBlonde

Oh and benjie

“no disrepect ma, but i’m tryna pound”

Ew and a half. Zero class.

25 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

When girls wear boobie-revealing clothing, do they get offended when guys look at the boobies, or do they only get offended if the guy says something crass?

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

hahaha thanks@ The Cruel Secretary..but there be some damn fools out here. And lady just named one of them “The Arm Grabber at the club or outside of it”

THAT MOTHER FUCKER MAKES ME WANT TO go all Ninja Warrior on his bitchassness ass hahha. Aint nothing worse than a dude that has the nerver to grab you by the arm tryna talk to you! This has happened to me 99% of the time I go out with my girlfriends. These dudes must want an ass whoopin or a kick in the balls. Like do they actually think that by grabbing you your going to stop and talk to them?! Next dude that grabs me at the club or the bar is getting a extra beat down for all the dudes that did that to every woman on this earth dammit. NO HOME TRAINNING!

25 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Chris- I get offended at excessive staring. If I catch you sneaking a glance, I’m not mad. In fact, if I am attracted to you, then I may be glad that you are appreciating my girls. But outright staring for long periods of time or ignorant comments are dammned offensive. It makes you feel uncomfortable or even like you did something wrong….plus, it shows you that the dude has NO restraint, which is such a turn off.

25 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

“When girls wear boobie-revealing clothing, do they get offended when guys look at the boobies, or do they only get offended if the guy says something crass?” -SBPH/Chris

If my ass and/or boobs are deliberately exposed, I can’t get offended. No offense 🙂 but I believe we invite crass remarks. The laws of attraction maybe; if I think someone is gonna say something crass, someone will say something crass. It’s all about one’s posture (usually). Buuuutttt, there are some truly idiotic, low-life dudes out there that will say whatever, no matter how you carry yourself. I usually just don’t vibrate toward those people.

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Chris-When girls wear boobie-revealing clothing, do they get offended when guys look at the boobies, or do they only get offended if the guy says something crass?

Honestly women do get offended but they shouldnt be. They chose to wear that shirt or skirt that shows everything. But damn if your tryna get at the girl dont automaticlly go for “damn girl are your titties real”. thats just fucked up and kinda disrespectful. Us as women already know that by wearing the shirt or skirt will gain attention and men are usually draw to body parts anyways so we are use to it..

25 04 2008
Lady

I don’t get offended if a guy looks, as long as he isn’t staring too long. I’d say longer than 5 seconds. If he looks away for a bit and then revisits I’m not mad either. If I’m wearing a shirt that exposes I have to expect it.

If he says something crass like ‘is them tiddies real?’ then that sends me into a rage. That’s just rude and disgusting to ask an aquaintance let alone a stranger.

@ Mrs. Epps

The fact that you watch Ninja Warrior, and probably Unbeatable Banzuke makes you cool in my book!

25 04 2008
NotBlonde

Chris, most women only get offended if you say something crass. Of course, gross staring i.e. holding your junk whilst staring or having your tongue hang out or something of that nature is unacceptable as well. Just looking, not so bad. But as Sista Toldja said, keep the staring to a minimum.

I don’t wear booby revealing tops though. My boobies are on the large side so I keep them under serious wraps and yet I still get the assclowns coming up and grabbing my arm and shit.

25 04 2008
benjie

when they say something crass.

i mean, they’re intelligent, non-offensive ways to say “nice rack”.
its just that a lot of men don’t want to think hard enough to say those things. so instead they scream random shit out of cars and across streets.

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Lady@ I LOVE NINJA WARRIOR and UNBEATABLE BANZUKE WHOOO GO G4 that shit is hilarious…I love laughing at the 1/2 naked loin cloth wearing dudes and that old guy they call Squid man or watever that never makes it pass the 1st course hahahahah its especially funny when your 1/2 drunk. That new course looks soooo hard I wouldnt even attempt it..

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Ladies… If I may… I would like to present a turn in the tables… a slight juxtapose for the lack of better terms…

Though socially… it would be deemed as fairly freakish… what would you say if you saw a man, packing a nice wad in his croch… yet was wearing a set jeans that accentuated its appearance such that it was overly apparent. What would you do?

a) Catch a quick peek and hold your dignity?

OR

b) state in utter awe and attempt to calculate erected size and length?

OR

c) letter b PLUS guess whether or not he was gay?

25 04 2008
Ethel

“I was caught staring happily at her ass as she walked away by a woman at the table next to me. She gave me the stink eye…”

Too funny. I always have to keep from laughing when I catch a guy checking out the booty. They THINK they are being discreet. But then again, when a gal is showing her ass cleavage pro’lly the entire room is looking. But that was the point of them $150+ jeans, wasn’t it?

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Dammit I am having issues with spelling:

b) “STARE in utter awe…”

25 04 2008
Lady

I watch both of those shows religiously.. yea, since the redesigned the course everyone has taken an L.. it’s funny as hell though!

Cool, i have a G4 sista in here lol.

25 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

like Seinfeld said, it’s like looking at the sun, don’t stare too long 😀
And women play mind games, like they’re testing guys all of time. If a guy sees boob/ass, especially in club, he is not thinking about your beautiful mind, sharp wit, or jazz collection. Sorry. He’s thinking about boob. And ass. Especially ass.

25 04 2008
zoso

@AF
a) and c minus b)

Sneak a peek and guess if he was gay.

25 04 2008
Machete

Haha I’m with you gals, Ninja Warrior is funny as hell, but it’s got nothing on laughs compared to MXC though.

25 04 2008
Lady

@AF

For a guy to wear pants like that I’d have to wonder if he was gay.. the only guys who wear nuthuggers around here also happen to gay.

I hate to leave after saying that, but it’s quitting time.. I’ll pick this up at home lol.

P.S. I’d be lying if i said i wouldnt get a quick glance though. Penis is penis.

25 04 2008
Machete

@AF

If the pants are tight, first thought would be gay/european. Second impulse is laughter….can’t help but feel sorry for the dude on the receiving end of that.

25 04 2008
Lady

SMH, why does it always end up being about sex LOL

25 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

yes@MXC and Ninja Warrior. I like Attack of the Show! also.
Admiral, tight jeans on guys is gey, yes G-E-Y, gey, pronounced as ‘gay’.
However, if the junk looks good in nice-fitting jeans, I choose a) catch a quick peek. Besides, size alone is not a clear indicator of skill.

25 04 2008
pen

funny, funny post!

but i don’t get the anger…really, guys, what’s there to be mad about? your (borrowed from the UAE) $600 (that’s the same in Canadian dollars) rebate (pacifier laced with cyanide) check is on it’s way (my mailman opens my mail so who knows if i’ll get it), so, cheers!

25 04 2008
benjie

“P.S. I’d be lying if i said i wouldnt get a quick glance though. Penis is penis”

damn straight

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Off topic kinda..Has anyone heard that new Usher song-Love in this club?

Well he has a line in it were it said somehting like I want to make love on the floor of this club some crap like that.

After hearing that line a few times I wanted to gag. What club does he go to that has clean floors? Thats fucking gross. The clubs that I have been to so far including Love, Fur, H20, and some others in Jacksonville Fl the floors were grimmy. Stuff you will find on the club floor when they turn the lights on when they close.

1. drunk white girls
2. Vomit
3. Booze, cups and those lil sippy starws
4. used condoms(yes I’ve seent hat shit)
5. Unreconizable shit
$60 For those new red pumps with the yellow sole
$25 to enter the hottest club in town
$30 on drinks
$20 on drink some random guy that you like bought
Getting drunk and glued to the floor from the sticky shit on the ground and gum in your hair and fucking some random dude on the club floor because he heard it in a song and then find out 3 weeks later he gave you the clap.

Priceless…

25 04 2008
Sister Toldja

LOL @ AF! I had a male roomate once and he came out his room in just his boxers. I wasn’t really attracted to him persay, but something about the position of the moon, the time of day and my natural curiosity got the best of me and I couldn’t help but to try and look for Jimmy. I, for one moment, appreciated the frustration of men.

Women do have it easy in this lane, in regards to our own need to ogle. I, for one, really like broad shoulders and a cute face. But you can’t usually tell when I am eye fucking a guy, unless I want him to know.

25 04 2008
Sister Toldja

THE CLAP! BWAHAAAAAAAA!

Drunk white girls on the floor after the club closes!

Did you know that BULLSHIT song was produced using two synths from Garage Band? Hot MESS.

25 04 2008
benjie

i just stared at some random guys junk on my lunch break.

i mean c’mon basketball shorts leave ABSOLUTLEY nothing to the imagination

25 04 2008
Iloveblackpeople

OMG…MXC and Ninja Warrior are the best. Though I have to admit since people actually WANT to be Ninja warrior I feel bad when they don’t make it (why do they keep making the course harder every year??). MXC is an excellent watch when you just need to know that there are people out there dumber than you. I really want to know where the water comes from that are in those puddles on MXC btw.

I usually walk around with a scowl which causes most men to leave me alone. My friend was recently a victim of crotch rub. We were in a club and a guy asked her to dance …he then proceeded to dance facing her rubbing his PEN-US (I love the vagina power chick). LOL…she RAN off the dance floor, went to the bathroom and began scrubbing (we are both germaphobes and he had touched her arm).

Anywho, AF, many men wear nut-hugger pants. Most of them are not black. I tend to bust out laughing because I don’t like it when a man’s pants are tight enough to give him some bastardized version of camel toe!

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Lady-I watch both of those shows religiously.. yea, since the redesigned the course everyone has taken an L.. it’s funny as hell though!

Cool, i have a G4 sista in here lol.

HELL YEA GIRL gotta watch my crazy asian ppl ya know.

knatrual-yes@MXC and Ninja Warrior. I like Attack of the Show! also.

I like watching attack of the show cuz Olivia is freakin HOttt and ofcourse of the updates on the game systems and what not…I’m waiting for them to make a God of War movie that would be tyteeeeee!!

25 04 2008
pen

Anywho, AF, many men wear nut-hugger pants. Most of them are not black. I tend to bust out laughing because I don’t like it when a man’s pants are tight enough to give him some bastardized version of camel toe!

lmao! my husband demonstrated this the other day and i threw up. i can’t imagine seeing something like that for real. *shudder*

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

I would probably take a peek@AF but thats cuz I have always been nosey but only a peek.

25 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA@I tend to bust out laughing because I don’t like it when a man’s pants are tight enough to give him some bastardized version of camel toe! *wipes tear*

OMG Mrs Epps, A God of War Movie – yes. As long as it isn’t done like Beowulf, which it probably would be. Do you guys watch UFC stuff, too? Those guys are crazy (in a good way).

25 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Pardon me if I refute and doubt all of those who state that they would simply take a quick peek and then question his masculinity.

A natural reaction of the human body, when encountering a stimulus that is either shocking or exciting can and usually results in the individual’s full attention being laid upon whatever stimulus that is present at the given time.

Given this definition, I doubt that simply taking a peek would be the natural reaction.

Additionally, please note that I stated “Socially freakish” to denounce… yes it is a bit strange… however if the fag factor wasn’t in play what would the reaction be. 🙂

Now, Knaturalbeauty brought up a very good point in terms of tool versus usage. The same goes for women as well. Men can stare at a woman’s rack or butt and still be uninterested because that shape/frame may not suit them in bed… or the woman could be talentless in bed as well. (shrug) It goes both ways.

REGARDLESS… its all good. I think that all of us are functioning human beings who react to the stimuli that gets us going… whether it be a nice smile, beautiful hair, attractive shoulders, a nice chest, nice tools, whatever…

We’re all on the same playing field. 🙂

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Anywho, AF, many men wear nut-hugger pants. Most of them are not black. I tend to bust out laughing because I don’t like it when a man’s pants are tight enough to give him some bastardized version of camel toe!

DEAD…

me and my hubby talked about this before as well and I asked him why guys wear tight ass pants. He says either their gay or have small ass balls. He was like balls need to breathe and not be suffocated between the legs when you sit down and then said that tighter pants are for the ladies why would i want to see a bunch of dudes asses in tight ass pants its just not natrual. ahahahhahaha

25 04 2008
benjie

i LOVE the UFC (and ninja warrior)

usually i watch kimbo slice fights on youtube whilst i’m at work. he’s a BEAST

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

knatrual-OMG Mrs Epps, A God of War Movie – yes. As long as it isn’t done like Beowulf, which it probably would be. Do you guys watch UFC stuff, too? Those guys are crazy (in a good way).

I hope its not like Beowulf that would suck..I watch UFC I love it!!!! It’s way better than boxing theres more action.

25 04 2008
brran1

Idk about the rest of you fellas, but I refuse to be sitting ON my balls instead of sitting on the chair. What the fuck is the point of wearing pants so tight that you can’t sit or walk correctly? Damn fools and their fashion trends. Anyone remember that episode of The Boondocks when Gangstalicious came out with a clothing line? Exactly. The day I see a nigga rockin a skort, im gonna cop a shotgun and kill him myself.

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

I also got in to TNA now..I know wrestling is fake but that shit is tyteeeeeeeeee..Like they do these crazy ass moves that makes me want to get Tivo so I can rewind it back and see it again…

A BIG bitch I wouldnt want to fight…look what she did tot hat chick damn i know her back is fucked up

25 04 2008
brran1

@ Mrs. Epps & ST: Have yall noticed the abundance of commercials scores and scores for certain movies of the adult persuasion made from GarageBand?

25 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

@ Mrs.Epps – I used to watch wrestling back when The Rock *swoon* was in it. And I actually saw Hulk Hogan wrestle during his brief comeback. But, wrestling sucks now. It’s stupid.

Thanks Admiral: I always appreciate your comments.
Here’s a question I always ask people: Based solely on the physical, no personality allowed, if you had to choose between a beautiful face OR a jacked up body, which would it be?

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Sure have brran1 SMH..in the mean time let all do the homie..

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

knatrual-mmmm The Rock… drools

25 04 2008
brran1

I swear, that dance is right up there next to the electric slide and the bus stop. Real Talk.

25 04 2008
zoso

I love the UFC! Although I watch it for eye candy as well, some of those guys are actually quite talented.

25 04 2008
voodoobooty

I think of a man. And then I take away reason and accountability.

Chris, I will whip out the belt!
AND . . .

I am not even going to begin on your attractive women pic with all that other white meat afloat and a smiling black man

These pick-up line stories are killing me softly. I don’t have time to write up the fuckery these dominican dudes in the heights come up with cause after 20+ years I just tune it right out and there are always classy mouth and hand gestures attached.

I just saw a dude in some crazy spandex and now I know exactly what his penis looks like. I wasn’t gawking but at least I was clear of the frito-lay rack and lamp posts cause it was touch and go there for a minute! Is that even healthy?

25 04 2008
NotBlonde

I believe the male equivalent of camel toe is “moose knuckle”.

And I don’t stare at men’s packages unless it’s funny. As in, he’s wearing a banana hammock or pants so tight that he had to shift it to one side and he looks like he has a dickandballs shaped tumor on the top of his thigh.

25 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

*watching Ninja Warrior right now*
One thing: women are more discreet when looking at men, in general. And, men aren’t smart enough to realize when they’re being checked out most of the time. Men tend to rely on the obvious.

25 04 2008
Sister Toldja

I dunno what Ninja Warrior is, but I know Afro Ninja on youtube is HEEELARIOUS!!!

Late night check in! Who is still at work? This is some bullshit, btw.

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Dead@ moose knuckle

Knatrual- women are more discreet when looking at men, in general. And, men aren’t smart enough to realize when they’re being checked out most of the time. Men tend to rely on the obvious.

Yup exactly…Men will never know..

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

ahahhah@ ST i remem when i 1st saw that vid in 11th grade during class i was lauhgin my ass off so hard. My fiance’s friend actually knows that guy too hahahha just a reminder…

DAMMIT I LOVE YOUTUBE!!

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

dont ask me why this gives me the giggles…they added the kill bill music too bwhahah

25 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

BTW Sister T- Ninja Warrior

25 04 2008
angel

I have been reading this blog for a while & love it! Never commented before but needed something light to focus on today.

Admiral – I’ll admit. One time on the train I was deep in a book, looked up and noticed a brother leaning on the door across from me. He was wearing a pair of leather pants (not excessively tight like Eddie Murphy in Raw) & it looked like he had an anaconda wrapped around his leg. I did a whatutalkinboutwillis shake of my head and turned away. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked again to see if he did have a snake or if the bulge WAS inside his pants. It was inside. He moved to a corner seat and I couldn’t stop looking. Finally I said eff it and just kept looking at him and his leg til his leg responded that he saw me looking at it. The “snake” grew stronger. We smiled continued to exchange looks but never said a word. Two stops later he exited the car. Had he stayed on the train any longer I don’t know what would have happened but what happened in my mind was good enough. It was rude and crude but for all the times I wore a turtleneck and still got chased down the street like I was flashing my girls all over I didn’t care. Another time, another place I could have pretended I was in Vegas or some crazy porn movie but alas this was in 2005 so all I have are what if’s & the memory of that crazy train ride to make me smile and remember there are things I love about my city even if the police act like my beautiful black men have bulleyes on their heads.

26 04 2008
Quirky Cutie

@KNatural: One thing: women are more discreet when looking at men, in general. And, men aren’t smart enough to realize when they’re being checked out most of the time. Men tend to rely on the obvious.

It’s been scientifically proven that women have better peripheral vision than men…God bless the double X.

As far as eyeing a guys jewels, I find it disgusting if he puts it all in your face, aka nuthuggers, but I like to kinda guess at what’s there. I remember years ago as a camp counselor at day camp there was this other counselor – my age- who was sitting on his thermos on a hill at an angle to me at the bottom of the hill. I got an accidental glimpse walking by – his shorts and boxers were big and loose enough to see his stuff, so I just HAD to adjust my position to get a better look. Since there were tons of kids and counselors around, no one noticed me staring….why do I feel like a dirty, old man now?

26 04 2008
Beautifldreamr

I have never induced said seizures, endangered any fried snacks or caused any traffic accidents. Clearly, my ‘hideousness’ repels the opposite sex.

Whoever said basketball shorts leave nothing to the imagination was telling the truth and nothing but the truth! Can’t help it! I look and I don’t try to hide it!!

26 04 2008
Hot,Cool&Vicious

the best way to surreptitiously check out and assess a dude’s… ::cough:: nether region… is through BASKETBALL SHORTS!! sweatpants and track pants come close, but some guys consider themselves ‘too flyy’ to wear any type of chill gear… and chances are, youre not gonna find a straight black man in some ball busters. The euro/italian cut slacks (which i think are soOo sexy) and fitted jeans (*swoon*) are slowly approaching nutcracker status, but again, a lot guys insist on wearing big ass baggy clothes, so it’s no guarantee you’ll get your peep on this way. you will, however, always catch a dude in some ballin’ shorts! mmmm=)

@AF… i see you skated around that greek question… 😉

26 04 2008
Angry v3.2b

Two points to make, gents (Admiral Furious, lets see how close we match on this one.)

1. Figure 2 – I do not blame Diddy at all. Jessica Biel definitely could catch some relations with me in a heartbeat. In fact, I’d pay money to solicit the business to her.

2. I forgot number 2. F*ck.

26 04 2008
Lolo

Chris,

I only have one thing to add. I think of a man. And then I take away the finesse and complexity. ::wink::

26 04 2008
maya

*maya stumbles in hours later*

Yes, AF, Kappas. Lol…what’s wrong with Kappas?

26 04 2008
maya

Oooh, in fact…My afternoon was filled of freakish happenings that are kinda appropriate for today’s post.

First me and my friend Ashley go to this Tex/Mex joint. She’s a really pretty girl – high yellow, hazel/green eyes, petite – so usually niggas flock to her. As we were waiting for our order number to come up, some youngbol (Philly slang for “younger guy”) comes up and asks for her name. Ashley tells him her name is “Maya,” whereupon I turn and pivet in the opposite direction so as to avoid making it obvious that it’s not her name. We sit there, trying to eat our food in peace (I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WATCH ME EAT) and this boy is like, basically in our mouths. His thirst for Ash’s number is so obvious, and uncomfortable. She asks him if he’s really going to sit there and watch her eat while she’s out with her girlfriend. He says, “I’m sure your friend doesn’t mind.” She says, “No, like she’s really my girlfriend.” A mouthful of coke almost flies out of my mouth due to my sudden and ferocious laughter. Whereas this might deter some men, this only intrigued this fool. “Word?? So y’all like…?” She says, “Yeah.” “Damn…that makes me mad.” I reply, “Don’t be mad, UPS is hiring.” “Nah, yo, but your girl is sexy.” I was like, “Yeah, I pull bad ones.” We resume eating, though this conversation has now clearly caught the attention of an older fellow who seems mildly amused by whatever dirty thoughts he had in his head. So she says, “you just gonna disrespect my girl like that?” He replies, “I mean, she seems mad chill about it.” I retort, “You ain’t no competition. I’m not even sweatin’ you.” This fool sat in amazement for a good 5-10 minutes. When he left, he waved to us from outside.

At the actual party, everything went well until niggas started TOUCHING me. For those who don’t know, I HATE being touched by strangers. It often evokes the “Maya Look” as my linesisters sometimes call it, because it’s very invasive. I gave several lectures on public space this evening, as well as about two high-pitched rants to this nigga who kept poking me on the back of my neck on some 5th grade-glue-eating shit. Obviously, poking me is going to make me jump. Clearly this nigga thought the shit was amusing. “I know where her spot is,” he says. Right. My vertebrae really get me wet.

Being a small person, another issue I have is niggas who get grabby, which also falls under the “I don’t like to be touched category.” Ladies, have you ever had a seemingly normal conversation with a guy, and then you see him 10 minutes (and one good cup of drank) later and you want to slice his sack and watch his testes fall out? This one nigga pulled me down on the floor. Kept calling my name loudly and continuously outside, got grabby on my arms to marvel at how “little” I am and FUCKING TRIED TO PICK ME UP OFF THE FUCKING GROUND. This is why I don’t business with members of Omega Psi Phi.

My favorite part of the night, however, came with an utterly ridiculous comment. My friend Ashley had on a dress. I had on jeans. Ash walks upstairs to the rooftop deck, and I follow behind her so perverted niggas won’t be able to look up her dress as she climbs the stairs. Why did this motherfucker tell us later: “Yeah, y’all walked in, I was like, ‘Damn, look at her eyes…’ and then you following behind and I was like, ‘Damn, look at her ass.'”

26 04 2008
london

this post has made my fucking weekend…
over here we get “pssssst”
old men, young men, old old men like to “pssst” as women walk by..

brixton is the worst.. i never ever get off or on a bus there… it is “psssst” central…
i have heard “my size” as i have walked past a man before… that made me cry in the street for 5 minutes… ‘”my size”… still makes me laugh to this day..
dyam fool bwoy… and he worked very hard for me that day.. i did the move in 2 journeys instead of my predicted 3 because he single handedly packed my car so well…
so women my advice is.. men will work for you if they want you… they will work damned hard… let them do it.. then wave goodbye…

oh and pretty girls cannot help it.. they get a rough ride all day/life long.. don’t hate..

although i have to laugh sometimes at when they get older… my cousin who was always ‘the pretty one’ of the two grand daughters of the family – you know.. ‘good’ hair.. light eyes… the chosen one…whatever.. – has not aged well.. my brother saw recent pictures of her wedding and he said she now looked like a ‘spayed cat’ in her dress….. *dead*…. maybe that’s why none of our side of the family were invited..

thanks for this post big c.. you are a genius…

26 04 2008
london

the above makes no sense because half of it has been lost… fuck knows how…
it goes on about some rastaman helping me help my friend move because he was chirpsing me… i was really blind to what was going on and my friend was laughing her twat off because she had spoken to him possibly 5 times in the past 6 months and there he was running up and down the stairs with furniture for us… he, 2 days later was asking for a telephone number.. i laughed til i nearly dropped my womb on the bus…
nice…

26 04 2008
Muse

OMG I had an embarrassing incident at the gym for gawking too hard at a hot piece of man candy. There was this HOT, hard body, tall caramel man checking in and I was in awe while trying to keep pace on the treadmill. I guess I was staring too hard because he saw me and winked. Before I had the chance to return one of my famous grins, I lost focus, tripped over my own feet and fell ass backwards off treadmill. Needless to say my coolness factor went down to zero.

BTW I cannot stand broads who hate on other chicks. I’m going to need those women to get some self esteem and a therapist. Seriously what’s the point? Hating on pretty woman is cunt-like behavior and destroys sisterhood. I give credit where credit is due. In fact I would prefer to hang out with attractive women (inside and out) because the night always ends up being fun and we don’t have a damn hater in the group that cock-blocks or acts like the bitter bitch who wants to go home early because she’s the only one who isn’t getting any attention.

26 04 2008
london

@ muse..
am sorry bout the gym scenario but am laughing my twat off and totally agree with your second paragraph..
the women hating other women post is a direct relative to this one…

26 04 2008
letinstar

i’ve been known to sneak a peek at a hot male body and i’d like to think i’m subtle…lol…my eyes are trained to look at the butt and thighs, but i have zero’d in on the crotch from time to time…

and i do not understand the woman hate on woman hate either…i like looking at beautiful things, so i appreciate the beauty in men and women…

26 04 2008
Angela

I just discovered this blog and it’s giving me serious lulz.

26 04 2008
Tamani

After going through a seriously ugly phase in high school (I’m working hard to destroy the photographic evidence), I have apparently blossomed. Go figure. It amuses me to hear/see men tripping all over themselves trying to speak. The worst I ever heard was when my flatmate and I (and she is seriously GORGEOUS) stopped into a bodega for some bottled water and two men followed us into said retail establishment and damn near drooled an ocean on the floor. When I whipped out my (Gucci) wallet to pay for the bevvies, one of the dudes said, and this is no joke, “Damn. She got money. I wish I had a beautiful girl to pay for my drinks!”

My flatmate said, “Yeah, she has money because she gets up and goes to work EVERY SINGLE DAY.”

This is what ALL women, not just the “cute” ones, have to put up with on a daily basis. I thank you for your lesson in how to conduct oneself around Attractive Women. 🙂

26 04 2008
london

back from grocery shopping and it’s sunny so all the men are out looking at the fine-ness… it is sickening… it’s a free for all…
i am wearing a black top – high necked, a black draped cardigan and baggy jeans.. my locs are in a loose bun… my shades and trainers.. no make up…that is it..
3 men.. in 20 mins felt the need to chirps me as i walked past the bus stops on my way down the road….. at 3 in the afternoon..
what is it with them… they are like dogs with 2 dicks…
this reminds me why i love my car… damn the planet.. i want to go about my business un-harassed

26 04 2008
Sister Toldja

London, they way you described your outfit all British-y and stuff (draped cardigan, trainers) makes it sound very glam to me! Like a model going to the store in her “casual clothes”. Can you please teach me to talk just like you???

26 04 2008
london

i worked in fashion for 20 years.. it’s just in me… it’s the way i speak…
describe these things in less than five words… break it down…
i.e jeans, dark denim, boot cut… it says it all economically and everyone can visualise.. not glam at all
and it helps that if you know me.. most of my clothes are black, a lot of denim for jeans a wee bit khaki green now that i am 42 and the odd white shirt or 3.. everything goes with every thing else and it’s mainly japanese… masters of the black without looking all marilyn manson…
i wear black all day every day… purely because they’ve not invented a darker colour yet.. add some wicked bold jewellery and that’s day to evening sorted..
my wardrobe and drawers looks like whats’isname from 91/2 weeks… LOL..
i wish i could rock a hajib a couple days a week without anyone taking the piss or stoning me… i envy those women….

26 04 2008
dynamicdiva8

Chris that is too damn funny! At least she didn’t laugh in your face!

26 04 2008
Seven

Ok, so I must ask this question to the men out there…is there any similiar behavior from women when they come into contact with very attractive men? I’ve seen men make complete fools of themselves a time or 2 over me, but I always wondered are there women out there knocking over chip displays in stores trying to get at fine men? I’ve only seen it once; she’s a friend from a small town in south Georgia who was quite thirsty so I really don’t count her. And no I’m not talking about chicks with dollar signs in their eyes, either. Just curious.

26 04 2008
shabooty

poor tom harkin getting shrapnel in this post.

26 04 2008
Muse

AS long as there is no treadmill around I’m perfectly capable of charming an attractive man without revealing my inner geek.

26 04 2008
Sister Toldja

@ London- Well, I am just gonna start saying “wicked” and spelling things with the UK English (i.e. “visualise” and “colour”, which I tried a few years ago to no avail). That’s good enough for me. Thank you for helping me to realise how much flavour my writing was missing. I will repay the favour: hijabgirl.com. They have all colours. Get the leopard one.

@Seven- I have twisted my words about and stuttered mildly in the presence of a man I was just too excited to speak to. Granted, he was marginally famous and a long-time crush, but still. I was ashamed, but I don’t think he realised what I had done.

26 04 2008
london

oooh sis t… am over there right now…
how marvellous…
hope they have a good line in accessories..
many thanks….
have a great weekend…..
*sashaying away*

26 04 2008
Seven

I guess seeing how men react to attractive women is a big enough example to women as to how not to act when they see some male eye candy. 🙂

Back to the draft…

26 04 2008
GuessWho

I totally wish I found your blog a long time ago…. Comic relief. You gave some great advice to the dudes. I love the one about them starting from the bottom. Ha ha ha!!!!

There is nothing funnier than catching a guy with the “stupid” look so yeah. thanks for telling guys to adjust their faces…..

You’re too funny!

26 04 2008
ph2072

It’s not their fault that they’re beautiful. 😉 I would’ve had to stifle laughter too if I saw that.

27 04 2008
Ed The Sports Fan

**If you gawk at anything weird, like feet or elbows or ears or some shit, kill yourself, you fucking freak.

Too funny, I’m a new poster and just caught on to reading your site. Nice stuff, keep it up.

http://www.edthesportsfan.com

-Ed.

27 04 2008
Shine

I have to say Thank You! to Ms. Epps. Ninja Warrior is now going to be my new favorite show.

27 04 2008
Mrs. Kennedy

Ya know, you should cover a section on workplace gawking . . .
I work HR for a tech company and once received a complaint from an attractive woman who was concerned about the fact that every time she would go to the cafeteria for lunch, a table of engineers would stare incessantly at her – like an open mouthed, unflinching, saliva producing gape. . .
One of my coworkers had to accompany her to the cafeteria so she could point out the young men, and we had to have a conversation about our company’s policy on sexual harassment. . .
That conversation ended with, “Well if you think she’s so hot, why don’t you just go over there and TALK to her?” Not only will you get a chance to gawk up-close, but you won’t seem so socially awkward and obviously creepy. . .

27 04 2008
Shine

And AF I am normally oblivious to a guys package even when its obvious. So if I do look, I’m staring, I’m almost certain to get caught, at least by other chics.

Chris, I do from time to time let the girls breathe, its usually not on purpose, but I don’t care about staring, or even commenting, just as long as its not foul.

This whole thread reminds me of being in Costa Rica last year though. I was in the market and struck up a nice conversation with this costa rican guy. We were talking about racism in the latino community and all sorts of nonsense and then he says he wanted to tell me something (bad news). Then he whispers in my ear ‘I like your butt’. I had to crack up laughing. Not only was that conversation killer(nice segue), reduces the chances of getting a number (which wasn’t going to happen anyway because I don’t live in Costa Rica) but I am notoriously flat-assed for a black woman. But I guess I was killing them costa rican girls. I know you appreciate from the stare, there’s really no need to mention it after that because it rarely sounds good.

27 04 2008
Miss Ray

@Shrine: LOL @ killin them costa rican girls. I think we kill everyone except the Africans from Africa. They have the original badonky that takes names and cooks dinners.

Oh the starers…

28 04 2008
keiranzma

You forgot to add a step, about making sure that prior to beginning the gawk, the target’s husband, baby daddy, s.o. is nowhere in the vicinity, lest you remain fixated on said breasts, ass, hips too long and catch an elbow to the throat or an embarassing ass-whipping of epic proportions. According to my husband, he’ll let a gawker slide if he catches him mid-gawk, and the gawker immediately acknowledges my husband and quickly averts his eyes to the floor, geisha-style. BUT, if that nicka continues to look after giving hubby the stinkeye or nudging his boys and encouraging THEM to look…
*sucks teeth in sadness*

NOT a good situation.

19 05 2008
Tiffer

well, i’m a girl and i saw a really buff hot construction worker that kept walking around me at a 7-ll. I was trying to have a conversation with someone and i looked up, noticed his green eyes, tan skin, and muscles…and i completely lost my thought lol…I felt so dumb! He knew what he was doing because he kept coming around me and brushed up against me! I told my friend “I’m sorry…that guy just made me forget what i was trying to tell you…oh … my… gosh” …and she said “that’s…ok…i …forgot…too” LOL. Oh, and as he was brushing against me he said in this real deep voice..”excuse me love”…aww man…i feel so embarrassed just talking about it! I COULDN’T REMEMBER MY NAME AND I FLED THE STORE AFTER MAKING MY PURCHASE!

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