Black people have always had a tortured relationship with non-blacks who tan themselves. There’s a certain level of mockery infused in blond bombshells sitting in the sun trying to get darker while innately harboring a sense of superiority over the naturally mocha, and that pisses us the fuck off*. It all goes back to Paul Mooney’s elegant quote: “Everybody wanna be a nigga don’t nobody wanna be a nigga.”
I could go on all day long about white people, tanning, and the evils thereof – but instead I’m going to address something completely confined within the black community. There is a minority within the minority that suffers in silence due to a combination of the awesome power of the sun and the pride we dark people take in our naturally occurring melanin. Their plight has gone on without mention for far too long…
I’m talking about black people who sunburn.
Figure 1: Hiding my shame in Puerto Rico**
The Melanin-Challenged (henceforth called “MCs” for brevity) suffer everyday with their condition. We put up with the darker among us referring to us as ‘yellow’. We laugh along on the outside but cry on the inside when the darkers mock sunburned white people. We lie…LIE PASSIONATELY…when we claim “yea I’m light, but I never get sunburn.” Ever had an MC tell you this? LIES! ALL LIES!
If an MC is on vacation with a bunch of darkers in a place where sunburn can happen, he lives his life in fear. If he is caught putting on sunblock, he will face days of merciless mockery as his blackness is slowly siphoned away like the world’s oil supply. If he fails to get his sunblock on undetected and is caught with the reddish shame of sunburn, the darkers will literally kill, cook and eat him to restore balance to the Force.***
Figure 2: Burns easily
The clever MC will steal away into the bathroom, or decide to ‘take a walk’ alone, or say “hey, I’m gonna go hit on the hot hotel clerk.” This is the best way to get alone time to apply sunblock without getting caught. The best time to do it is first thing in the morning. The darkers, who have spent the entire day freely basking in the sun and are supercharged by mid-day from the sun’s energy stored in their skin, are at their weakest and most docile at dawn when the sun’s power is at a minimum. They are must less likely to question you or ask to come along.
Make sure that you have the sunblock in a clear jar or cup labeled ‘Sperm’. That’ll keep your friends from looking at it too closely and finding out what it really is if they stumble across it by accident. Also if you get caught applying sunblock in the bathroom, you can say that it’s your sperm in the jar and not sunblock. When they ask why you’re rubbing your sperm all over your body, tell them you’re half Mayan. Do not offer any further explanation. If this doesn’t work, pick up the jar and make like you’re gonna throw it at them.
Figure 3: Is probably willing to cover himself in sperm
If, however, you’re unable to apply your sunblock before going out into the sun…you’re pretty much fucked. The best option is to insist on wearing a shirt and baseball cap because “I got eczema n’ shit“. This is usually excuse enough to apply huge amounts of cocoa butter (an effective sunblock in large doses) to your face – the only remaining vulnerable area on your body – without drawing too much suspicion. You’ll be miserably hot for the rest of your vacation, but at least your friends won’t eat you.
There will come a time, though, when you get sunburn no matter what precautions you take. As your darker friends sharpen their knives and forks, try throwing these excuses at them:
- “The sun is way more powerful at the equator”
- “I made love to an unclean woman/man”
- “Man, will you look at these rashes? I forgot I’m allergic to sand and water”
- “Shit, my leprosy’s flaring up again”
- “Dude check out my red body paint! You didn’t hear? You gotta be painted red to get into the clubs here”
- “I am gay”
Figure 4: Have a happy summer, you beige motherfucker
*And yes, this includes the inordinate numbers of fat white chicks from the midwest who are, for reasons I will NEVER be able to explain, incredibly alluring to so many dark black males. I swear there’s some kind of pathological forbidden slave/master mentality that, somehow, both parties manage to get off on.
**If you can peel your eyes away from the trainwreck of gross that is my upper body and look closely at the chicks in the background, you’ll notice their boobies are hanging out. This is the one good thing about white girls tanning.
*** This claim is unsubstantiated