Part of an ongoing series. See the original Children article here.
I’ve recently started taking public transportation to work. This, combined with my early-in/early-out schedule (I arrive at 7am and leave around 3pm – right when school lets out) means one thing and one thing only: I have to deal with a bunch of goddamn motherfucking kids getting on my subway trains.
Figure 1: The children are the future. The apocalypse is in the future. It all makes sense.
In an earlier post, I claimed that nothing was more indicative of the plight of black people than the ‘black’ grocery store. I was wrong. The single biggest indicator of the plight of black America is the behavior of our children.
My daily Metro ride from White Flint station to Woodley Park is usually the most peaceful 15 minutes or so of my day. There’s practically no one on the train. No one has their mp3 player turned all the way up so I can hear exactly what songs they’re listening to with earbud headphones all the way on the other side of the fucking train. There are no whinos in the car either. I can sit in the elder-handicapped reserved seats and stretch out my freakishly long legs as I read a book or whip out my laptop to work on websites. Then we hit Woodley Park, and all fucking hell breaks loose.
Figure 2: Tactical Map of My Misery
At Woodley Park, 20 motherfucking kids leap into the train, knocking over old people and stepping on peoples’ shoes without even thinking to turn around and offer an ‘excuse me’ or ‘I’m sorry’. They fill up all the seats as quickly as possible, leaving the adults (especially the old people) who are legitimately tired to stand up the entire time. But the worst part of all…
They are all SCREAMING at each other.
It doesn’t matter whether they’re sitting right next to each other, or at opposite ends of the car. They scream at the top of their lungs. They are swearing profusely in front of adults, and not only do they not care – they seem to be proud of it. Ten year old boys are watching grown women walk by and saying shit like “yea she sexy as shit. I’d FUCK”, and they’re making sure the woman hears it. These demonic embryos are trying to mimic or assert adulthood by embracing the worst parts of being grown up.
At each stop, more and more of these little fuck-cunts jump onto my train. A feeding-frenzy of swearing, screaming, running, jumping, and property damage ensues that makes me feel I’ve been transported onto a pirate ship commanded by grog-filled midgets with plastic barettes in their hair.
Figure 3: …you get the idea
As I sit there with all five of my senses being assaulted by the little pro-choice justifications cutting up all around me, I can’t help but realize that one day these children will grow up, and there will be no hope for them. They will have no idea how to function in the real world. They will be listless followers of MTV and BET. They will watch Tyler Perry movies and actually enjoy them. They will be sociopathic and not even know it. They will be utterly unemployable. They will never take the Hippocratic Oath or pass the bar. They will be the reason Democrats raise taxes on me again.
The little shitholes finally make their exit at L’Enfant Plaza, leaving me with just enough time to regain my sanity before my exit stop at Federal Center SW. I walk four blocks to my condo, all the while avoiding the urge to play in traffic. I get home and pop ‘Idiocracy‘ into my DVD player for the 10th time. I realize that I’m not seeing comedy; I’m seeing into the fucking future.
Maybe the Mayans were right, and we’ll get lucky and have the world end on December 21, 2012.