The Gym

16 04 2008

I didn’t realize just how awful the gym (or more accurately, the people in it) is until my trip to the local WSC last night.

Figure 1: Hell Hole

There’s some fairly ridiculous egotistical behavior that goes on when people work out, but for the most part I’ve been willing to overlook the flaws of others ever since what I did during The Incident*. Then last night I saw something that set me over the fucking edge:

I was taking a rest from a set of burpees (which I was performing on the same mats I vomited on a year ago) and gazing blankly over the railing. There was a relatively scrawny white dude running at about 7mph on a treadmill when a dude bearing an eerie likeness to Mario Lopez jumps on the treadmill next to him and turns the fucking thing up to like 15mph. He is running on his heels and making an incredible amount of noise. I turn away and do another set of burpees to the rhythmic tune of Mario Lopez destroying his knees. After resting for 30 seconds and getting ready to start another set, I see Mario Lopez bring his treadmill to a halt, turn to the little white guy and say, I shit you not:

“You need to pick up the pace, buddy! You’re gonna be a waif forever at that speed, DUDE.”

…and walks away. I nearly vomited again.

Seeing this asshole reminded me of all the different types of people in the gym that need to die, and I’m going to list them all right here and right now before I lose my fucking mind.

Asshole #1: Spin Top

This is the guy who is 300lbs of solid muscle from the waist up and is 15lbs of bone and tendon below the waist, thus giving him the appearance of a spin top. In spite of his femoral shortcomings, this motherfucker thinks he’s the baddest guy in the gym because he can bench press twice his own weight for reps. He wants you to ignore the fact that his legs are buckling under the weight of his massive torso (and narcissism), which is why he’s always a.) sitting down looking at himself in the mirror and b.) wearing long pants.


Figure 2: Everybody’s seen this guy

Asshole #2: The Man Moaner/Screamer

Every now and again you’ll get a guy in the gym who simply must let everyone know just how difficult each and every rep is. That’s when you’ll be minding your own business and hear some idiot bleat out “uuuuuuuuUUUUNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH” like somebody’s shoving a pineapple up his ass and he’s kinda enjoying it. That’s the Man Moaner.

Then there’s the guy who sounds like he’s having a pineapple shoved up his ass, but he isn’t enjoying it at all. That’s when you hear the “AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” of the Man Screamer. This asshole is usually wearing one of those stupid leather weight belts, a raggedy baseball cap worn backwards, a severely undersized wifebeater that’s struggling to cling to his body, and really really really tight biker shorts. You’ll also notice the blood vessels in his neck, forehead, and forearms to be inordinately large, which is why women often mistake his penis for a ramen noodle.

Figure 3: Man Screamer

Asshole #3: Leather Girl

This is the white girl with an inordinate amount of muscle and orange skin with the texture of an old leather wallet. All these chicks look the same: between 5’4″ and 5″8″, thin muscular build, orange skin, freckles, Underarmour workout gear consisting of the tummy-revealing top and tight pants that flare out to bell bottoms at the mid-calf, etc. They’re almost always brunette, but you’ll get the occasional blond and even redhead.

Figure 4: Her dick is bigger than mine

You are convinced that these chicks LIVE in the gym, because everytime you’re there…they’re there. They will be there when you arrive, and they will be there when you leave. When you come back three hours later because you left something in a locker, they’re STILL there. When you drive past the gym on the way to work in the morning, they’re hanging dormant by the ankles from the building’s rafters waiting for the gym to open. If you’re a guy you briefly think about trying to have sex with one of them. But then you realize that she kinda looks like a man, and she probably feels like sandpaper on the inside.

Asshole #4: Unnecessary Stretching Girl

There’s always that motherfucking chick in the gym contorting her body into positions that are as senseless as they are impractical. Typcially, these poses are flagrantly sexual, and the guys in the gym have to fight themselves to keep from ogling her and thinking about how she’d look in that pose naked and on top of you.


Figure 5: You cruel fuck

This girl is not a gymnast, she is not in training to become a gymnast, nor does she even know what gymnastics is. All she’s doing is placing her butt and vagina into positions that make you say “hmmm…” and waiting for the opportunity to catch you checking her out so she can get indignant and pretend to have no idea why you would possibly be staring at her.

Asshole #5: The Bold and the Bare-Chested

You don’t usually see this in public/membership gyms, but if you’re like me and have a private gym in your condo, then chances are you’re going to see some fucker on the equipment with his goddamn shirt off. For some reason, it’s never the hot chicks with the big boobies that exercise bare chested – it’s always some nasty old dude with leathery skin and more hair on his chest than any normal man has on his entire head and body.

Figure 6: Struttin’ to a gym near you

These people leave a cubic meter of sweat on whatever machine they were using. They wipe themselves off with a towel, but never EVER the equipment. Guess they figure a little man juice marinating on the recumbent bike will make everyone else stronger. I’m going to start putting itching powder, sulfuric acid, and leeches all over the equipment in my gym. Bare skin will be punished quickly and with extreme prejudice.

*About a year ago I was in training for the powwow season and decided to do the Spartan Workout – a weightlifting regimen modeled after that used by the guys that starred in the movie ‘300’. It was about 11pm and the gym was virtually deserted when I’d just finished my second set of 100 straight excruciating reps of heavy compound exercises, and my body officially told me to go fuck myself. I knew I was going to throw up, but between me and the bathroom was a good 10 yards, a stairwell, and another 20 yards in the opposite direction. Ever so gingerly, I sprinted to the stairs and flew down the stairs as fast as I could without jiggling my stomach. I failed. At the bottom of the stairs I threw up in my mouth but somehow managed to swallow it. I made it about halfway to the bathroom before my stomach decided to re-heave the vomit I’d just swallowed…and then some. This time it was more than I could hold in my mouth. I vomited all over the rubber mats in the stretching area of the Capitol Hill WSC and, since I was still running, a good amount of it wound up on my pants and shirt. I went to the bathroom, cleaned up as best I could, and tried to walk out of the gym with a big stupid smile on my face like nothing happened. I spent the next six weeks training at home out of fear of being recognized.

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96 responses

16 04 2008
Sister Toldja

LMAO!!!!!! “Strutting to a gym near you”! Why does he look like he’s on a pimp stroll.

We have ALL of these types at the Bed Stuy Y, except “Leather Girl” is replaced by “Frighteningly Thin Gentrifier Girl” and “Aspiring Video Hoe Model”. The former is so slim, she can work out in a child’s undershirt, sans bra. The latter has impressive measurements, which she feels the need to show off in a demi-cup sports bra* and tiny shorts that say “Baby Girl” or “Ass” or something of the like.

Our “Spin Tops” always have to do the Prison Yard Workout, which consists of them doing some shit they made up like pushing themselves up between the machines or lifting small children, as if this isn’t a super nice gym with all the stuff they need to work out in the first place.

* Demi-cup is French for “Titty half-in, titty half-out.

16 04 2008
Peggy

What?! Huh?? You left out some more!! What about the too fit to thin-bordering on-anorexic soccer mom who’s so out of control of her life that exercise and diet is the only thing she has left! She’s on that eliptical machine for an hour with that dazed/focused look in her eyes (you can never tell with those women) that lets you know she’s one Desperate Housewife episode away from killing her husband or worse: arriving late to pick up her kids from the ridiculously cut-throat school she has her kids drowning in. Even we know she’s a walking Psychology 101 textbook of issues, we hate her more than feel sorry for her.

16 04 2008
Lady

Don’t forget about the most annoying a-hole of all, the Chatter. They don’t come there to actually work out or even break a sweat, they’re coming along for the company. They’re usually out of shape, so the exercise wouldn’t hurt, but instead of using the equipment, they sit/stand on it/near it enough to be in the way and talk to the person who is actually working out. Usually loudly about inappropriate stuff. They’ll be sitting on the LAST available machine and act like they dont see you standing there waiting.. but you and your work out be damned, they gotta get their chat on about some totally asinine ish.. but since they see you standing there, they’ll give some sorry ass attempt at using the machine, like taking an extremely slow stroll on the treadmill or benching 20 lbs.. leg pressing 30..

Makes you want to hurl a free weight at them..

16 04 2008
naija

Don’t forget about the people (mostly girls) that like to sit on the machines for hours as if no one else in the entire gym needs to use them. They take a 30 second break after like 2 reps. Then they look around the gym, and then do another two reps. Then they wipe the imaginary sweat that somehow appeared from all the “exertion.” AND THEN, they have the nerve to look at you all stank when you politely request to use the freakin machine!! Ahhhhh! Those are the people I want to punch in the throat. KAPOW!

16 04 2008
Lady

Oh, and the MF who comes there funky, decided he’ll shower after the work out.. (wont even take a hoe bath.. c’mon man.. do it for everyone) and funks up a specific corner of the room so that you can’t come within 5 feet of it.. always doing something that involves his armpits being out, and of course he’s wearing basketball shorts so when he’s squatting or doing some such ish, all that nutfunk runs rampant to assault your nostrils..

16 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

I knew there was a reason I never went to the Capitol Hill WSC; hope you didn’t upchuck pancakes.

16 04 2008
naija

HAHAHA @ lady: Ive just added a word to my vocabulary: nutfunk

16 04 2008
Ethel

How about the professional body builders who, although are a visual buffet to behold, are body building all the time and talk about body building. All the time. And everyone else who uses that gym should also be working out at a professional body-building level. All. The. Time. [And here I just wanted to lower my cholesterol and only me and my doctor care about those numbers.]

16 04 2008
letinstar

lol…been in contact with each and everyone one of these assholes…i used to work out at LS Fitness in when i lived in phoenix and i would work out after class…i would occassionally run into a one of friends who was white and blond…she would spend the entire work chatting on ENDLESSLY about the most mindless shit…and the would be so appalled when people would tell her move because they wanted to use a particular machine…some dude even tried to score a date with her…she was of course offended…

16 04 2008
imaG

Lol dude ya killin me with the screamer the spintp and the hairy motherfucker…I was dyin man i hate those sweat leavin staphylococcus wieldin motherfuckers i swear, you killin me man great post

http://www.anythingblack.net

16 04 2008
Lady

@ letinstar

After having a long, loud conversation of how many children she swallowed and how many different ways Billy put her legs up in the back seat she was offended.. of course.. that’s always the case.

I heard something like that one time.. this girl was going on about how the guy kept asking her and asking her to give him head and she finally gave in and she’s giving every single detail about it and then when a group of guys started their ‘yo baby what’s good’ mess from across the room she twisted up her face and said to her friend ‘ugh, can we go soon, for some reason those guys are trying to get at me’

News flash, in a big wide room, your voice carries..

16 04 2008
Tamara

@ Lady, there is a boy who is soooo smelly every time I come into the gym, and it really ruins my workout. He’s super crazy too, he’s mad skinny, runs 12 mph on the treadmill for 2 minutes, then grabs a heavy dumbell, does something for like 2 seconds and then throws the joint on the floor.

I try not to stare, I really do, but when the funk is THAT bad, all I’m really concentrating on is trying not to pass out.

16 04 2008
Esquire

Im crying

16 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

Fig. 4, the trannie oompa-loompa, I hate seeing this “person” at the beach, in the grocery store, anywhere! Nothing wrong with lean muscle, but why do you want to be orange?

16 04 2008
Laurel

Ha ha. Wish you’d written more about treadmill hoggers. Aaaagh, i hate those people. What part of 30-minute limit didn’t you get?

*I’ll never, ever, EVER use a gym workout mat sans towel ever ever again.

16 04 2008
Esquire

Chris, the only person you forgot was the bitch walking on the treadmill, riding the exercise bike, or sitting on a weight machine TALKING ON THE DAMN PHONE. She ISNT exercising…how hard can you be exercising while on the damn phone??? I dont want to hear your convo…you are screaming louder than my Ipod.

It makes me want to jump up and kick her ass in the ovaries. Move bitch, get out tha way…

16 04 2008
Admiral Furious

ESQUIRE… I was just about to mention the “Poser” who just comes into the gym to talk to random people on the cell phone! Please get off the piece of equipment i want to use! The time it takes for you to finish your conversation will be enough for me to finish with that machine there!

Even worse… I hate it when two people go to the gym and decide to hog two machines while having a conversation… aka NOT working out.

Additionally, isn’t there a rule written somewhere that you’re not supposed to talk to anyone while they’re actively in the middle of their workout? You see, if I was that skinny white guy on the treadmill and I had mister shin splint tell me I needed to run faster I would I responded with something along the lines of “Who the fuck asked you?”

16 04 2008
Esquire

There should be a rule. Why are you in the Gym if you came to

1. Talk on the phone on the machine I want
2. Talk to your equally unathletic friend on the OTHER machine I want
3. Try to hit on me as I am running, lifting, or trying to escape you so my husband doesnt come around the corner and knock you the F** out.

I also love the people who eat candy, chips, or drink soda, while IN the gym…damn you couldnt wait til you got home to ruin your workout?

16 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Eating anything at the gym is a complete contradiction in terms. No wonder the Europeans say we’re obese.

16 04 2008
benjie

lmao
all of these people are at the gym that i go to too.
along with the “i’m huge and upset because i’m huge so i’m gonna stare at you side eyed because you’re not huge” girls
massive bitches have the most hate.

16 04 2008
Admiral Furious

You know… this brings back terrifying memories from my adolescence. My parents belonged to Merritt Athletic Club over near Security Blvd near Bmore and they routinely brought my brother and I to utilize the facility.

Well, the Gym itself was not by far the most terrifying place to be since there were plenty of racquetball courts and even two basketball courts that we could spend our time in. What was terrifying to us was the huge black dude, with a big afro, who spoke entirely too loud to EVERYONE before screaming “LIFT THE WHOLE STACK!” One would think that he was an escapee from the state pen at one point since he routinely went around slapping people on the back (supposedly for encouragement) all while not realizing how heavy handed he really was.

The pinnacle of our fright came when my father instructed my brother and I to gather our belongings from the locker room. Sure enough, Afro-man was there… talking in his big voice, slapping people with his big hands, and letting his… well… big thing… swing freely while he roamed the fucking locker room.

What
The
Fuck

…was what my brother and I said to each other while trying to scurry ourselves from the locker room as fast we could. I mean come on… why the hell does a dude have to be up in the locker room conversing with other dudes… letting his shit sway. We don’t want to see that shit… put a towel on yo.

16 04 2008
Uhura

LOL!

These characters go to my (ex) gym too…I used the Sport and Health Club for a number of years, but I recently joined a women only gym recently because I needed a change.

Hopefully, this goes OK…So far I have seen none of these characters there…

16 04 2008
shabooty

my gym has an awesome vending machine.
i do a few reps of B24 a day.
entenmann’s cookies

16 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Do not EVER holler at me in the gym, unless you are excessively cute and tall(in which you can tap on my window whilst I sleep, and I will probably still forgive you).

I am probably regarded as somewhat evil in the gym, especially by the meatheads. I have little patience in there because I am really serious about my workouts, so if someone is posing on the machines or just sitting there to let the maximum amount of sweat seep in to the vynyl, I will definitely pop over there with the “How long do you plan to stay on here?” Especially when you have three goons taking turns on one machine for 45 minutes.

Speaking of taking turns, what is this “work in” bullshit? I am so sick of people asking “Can I work in with you?”, meaning I do a set, then they do one, then I do one. NO! Why does our sweat have to have sex? I tell people “No. I will finish all of mine, and then you can do all of yours.” I’m trying to get the fuck out of the gym, not extend my time (and my germ exposure) by taking turns like we in kindergarten.

16 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

And how come some guys workout in boots (Tims)? That can’t be comfortable.

16 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

I’ve always wondered if it’s OK to holla in the gym.

Always figured the answer was ‘no’, so there have definitely been times when I’ve had to force myself to keep my mouth shut.

16 04 2008
Uhura

It’s not Ok to holla if the Target is wearing a wedding ring.

16 04 2008
Miss Ray

Ya’ll must be in some good-ass shape, I don’t go to the gym AT ALL. I used to when my friend wasn’t playing lacrosse, but now that she’s in season, zero motivation.

But living on a college campus, you can tell who the gym types are. The meatheads are blatant, and the anorexic ones run amuck. Especially when they’re within earshot and you hear them talk about their workout routine from earlier today!!!! not only was it soo obvious that they were working out, but now they have to mention it to someone. Ugh and one girl got on my nerves because she would go running in between her classes…except thats all she did. Ran and went to class. Funk nastay.

16 04 2008
Sandybaby

This is all so true!!!! These folks are the reason I don’t use the gym at all.
Oh and don’t forgot those folks who are so obese and can barely lift their feet up. It’s like why are you even here?????????? They are sweating before the even make it into the gym. And you don’t want to use the machine they used because you KNOW they must’ve broken it…..

Great post!!!!!

16 04 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Chris- How tall did you say you were again? Since we have established your cuteness (sorta, cause none of your pics have a full face profile, it is still “tenative cuteness”), you should be exempt this rule. Basically, I don’t want the men who I don’t want hollering at me in the street hollering at me in the gym. I will be less polite in masking my disinterest.

@ Miss Ray- Girl, you better get on it. A lot of sisters don’t work out until it is too late (i.e. they have to take “pressure pills”, they get “diabeetus” or they gain mad weight). I was never quite satisfied with my weight, but I always had male attention because I am cute with big knockers and long, shapely legs. So I didn’t stress it as much as I should have, especially in college. I spent a year as a single housewife with no kids, attending every happy hour and dinner and party I possibly could, then I moved to NYC right after and was NOT pleased with how I looked, especially compared to the model chicks walkin around my new home! So I work out 6 days a week now, have shed a dress size and XX pounds so far and have been reintroduced to my waistline and my high cheekbones.

All this to say, do not wait until it is too late!

16 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

Haha, there are pics of my ugly mug on the grocery shopping post, I believe.

16 04 2008
sarah

i used to workout with my roommate at a Bally’s and that place was like a club, no lie. i had to stop going cause countless men would hit on you constantly. and she loved it. she wouldnt work out in the one near our house cause she said there were too many gay men. maybe thats what you need! needless to say, she ended up talking to about 3 men at the same gym. but what killed me was the girls in the gym who wore full faced make-up and the tightest Nike sweatpants going at the slowest pace. get off the machine with your fake eyelashes!

16 04 2008
Lady

Oh and don’t forgot those folks who are so obese and can barely lift their feet up. It’s like why are you even here??????????

Yea, i kinda die inside when i see someone who is pushing 400lbs doing leg presses, trying to do sit ups or something that builds muscle. It’s like.. uh.. you gotta burn off that fat FIRST.. doing sit ups is not going to get you a six pack if you have 50 lbs of fat on top of it. Unfortunately, the treadmills, elliptical machines have a weight limit of like 250, 300 max.. so it’s a lose lose situation..

16 04 2008
Toyz

I always wonder about dudes working out in street clothes.
how do you not have some sweats??? or were you just walking down the street and decided to stop in for some unplanned bench pressing? either way, i dont think there is anyway to look serious working out in khakis.

16 04 2008
Ms. Kristine

I don’t know if someone mentioned the girl who is SUPER-Dressed for the work out! Hair done, make-up done, perfect super-tiny shorts and sports-bra ensemble! Pisses me off all the time…she is basically there on the prowl that is why I have yet to see her break a sweat! Just go home and let me focus (foolishness, tends to distract me) UGH!

16 04 2008
Fruity Pebble

Maybe this experience will make Chris feel better about his Incident:

One day at my gym, I was entering the ladies’ locker room from the pool area after a post-workout-sauna-sweat. No joke, I was greeted by a trail of bloody water leading from the pool area that continued down BOTH aisles of shower stalls (she wasn’t content to sully just ONE aisle!?) and the little corridor that connects them. I had to go tell the front desk to send someone in with a mop; the nasty b!tch didn’t even have the decency to make an anonymous clean-up request! Women are so gross sometimes…

Also, there are these 2 creepy girls that insist on working out on the locker room floor, instead of the state of the art facility outside with nothing but space for that specific purpose. You have to step over the two of them, giving them a face full of your crotch as you’re wrapped in a towel on your way to the showers. *shudder* And they always suck their teeth at you when you step over them, like you’re in THEIR way! More nerve than a toothache…

16 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Chris- one picture you are making a funny face, and the other is on an angle…you may just be hiding something.

16 04 2008
letinstar

@lady…you hit the nail on the head about my chatty friend…according the conversations had at the gym, her knees were always pressed up against her ears because she was banging a new dude every week…thats why she felt it very important to stretch as per the example of asshole #4…lol

16 04 2008
BaaNJi girl

“pants that flare out to bell bottoms at the mid-calf,” A CRUCIAL OBSERVATION!! ROTF…i love it

16 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

lol OMg I hate going to the gym. So my fiancee and I work out at home. There is always that old creepy white guy that stares at your ass when you do squats. Not to mention the big blad black guy that works at the front desk trying to flirt with the ladies. AND EWW CHRIS thanks for the visual of you blowing chucks and swallowing it made me throw up a little in my mouth. And you forgot about the Asshole that stands behind you when you have been on one of the machiens to long and asks you when you are going to be done every 30 mother loving seconds!

16 04 2008
Admiral Furious

@Fruity Pebble…

That is more gross than a Mens Bathroom.

16 04 2008
Lindsay

@Toyz –

At the PG Sports and Learning Complex, the street-clothes workout is the norm.

I routinely see (when I go into the gym – most of the time I do my working out on the track, where it’s safe) dudes in dress pants, hard shoes, belts, phone on clip, the whole nine, but with their undershirt on. (One character semi-disrobed at his car, then went in.) I guess if you’re just doing upper body work, it doesn’t matter what shoes/pants you have on, but it is odd.

16 04 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Mrs. Epps- “And you forgot about the Asshole that stands behind you when you have been on one of the machiens to long and asks you when you are going to be done every 30 mother loving seconds!”

Well, stop being on there too long!

Signed,
The Asshole

(Actually, I only ask once. Then I huff and puff around until your vibe is ruined and you leave, bwahahaha. But only if you have been on there excessively long!)

16 04 2008
Tamara

At a recent trip to the gym I saw someone working out on the bench press in his slippers. No, not those flipflop slippers, but leather-lounging-around-the-house-slippers; I almost fell off the elliptical.

16 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

lol@ sister toldja eww you’re one of those. And no I dont stay on that damn long! PPl were just so impatient at the gym I used to go to in Florida. Im like damn can I get my 15 mins plz.

16 04 2008
shabooty

the other thing i hate about the gym is, you go into the mens locker room and its a bunch of old guys mad naked with their wrinkly cock and balls out,…

like not giving a fuck.

so between that visual and the smell (of sweaty old cock and balls), it’s def. not fun or funny.

16 04 2008
Ms. Kristine

LOL @ Tamara!!! That is hilarious!!!

16 04 2008
Merri Lee

Typcially, these poses are flagrantly sexual, and the guys in the gym have to fight themselves to keep from ogling her and thinking about how she’d look in that pose naked and on top of you.

Life’s a bitch. Then you die.

16 04 2008
Quiet Storm

Yeah, I hate the gym too. Although with the things you all are talking about, I remember some asshole got on the treadmill next to me and started working out at about 20mph and would speed it up more everytime I decided to speed up a little. I can see that he is looking at me from the corner of his eye if i was going to speed up and try to either catch up with him or go faster than him. Asswipe, this is not a competition. Are you seriously trying to race me on a frigging treadmill? F&*^ off! I was 4 seconds away from squirting water from my water bottle in his direction. Someone tried the same ish on the bicycle. wtf!

Before I lose my sanity and do like Lady said and throw a free weight at someone, I eventually bought a bunch of fitness tapes and took it from there.

16 04 2008
Merri Lee

Asshole #1: Spin Top

He wants you to ignore the fact that his legs are buckling under the weight of his massive torso (and narcissism), which is why he’s always a.) sitting down looking at himself in the mirror and b.) wearing long pants.

I agree with you on point “a,” but you’re wrong on point “b.” This guy is ALWAYS freeballin’ in hot pink size XS running shorts. He looks at chicks like he’s hot, chicks look at him like he’s gay.


Asshole #2: The Man Moaner/Screamer
I take a strength training class with this jackass. This guy is obviously on steroids (since they make your muscles bigger, not stronger); both of us were dead-lifting 40lbs, and he’s straining and screaming like seizing porcupine was lodged in his rectum. Our instructor, a Latina who can’t be taller than 5’2” but dead-lifts 60lbs, gives him the side eye every time he shows up.


Asshole #3: Leather Girl

You are convinced that these chicks LIVE in the gym, because every time you’re there…they’re there. They will be there when you arrive, and they will be there when you leave. When you come back three hours later because you left something in a locker, they’re STILL there. When you drive past the gym on the way to work in the morning, they’re hanging dormant by the ankles from the building’s rafters waiting for the gym to open.

I go to a 24 hour gym, and once a trainer was trying to kick Leather Girl out. The guy at the front desk had worked back-to-back-to-back 16 hour shifts (8 hrs off in between) and said Leather Girl was there the whole time he was.

Asshole #4: Unnecessary Stretching Girl

I want to kill this heffa! But seriously, one girl was doing a headstand/upside down splits in front of the medicine ball rack. I grabbed one of her ankles and knocked her over.


Asshole #5: The Bold and the Bare-Chested

Bare-chested? No. Barefoot hobbit? Why?

16 04 2008
Quiet Storm

My bad. I meant ‘along’ instead of ‘although’. I was trying to type fast before my supervisor could came by 🙂

16 04 2008
Merri Lee

Random thoughts:

While it warms my heart to see obese people in the gym, do not dress like an “after” while you are still “before.”

This IS NOT the Christian Science Reading Room! I saw a jackass reading a novel while on the lat machine.

Treadmills are for running on. If you need to stretch do so elsewhere.

If you want to use the pool/hot tub/sauna/steam room, consider investing in a swimsuit. Your workout gear and sneaks don’t work over here.

SweatyCrotchitis should be a felony. That’s why workout gear comes in breathable synthetic fabrics. Burn the cotton sweatpants yesterday.

Overweight men and your titty-out tank tops – no.

16 04 2008
stuffgirlslike

I have to say this is the most passionate blog of the stuff genre, I cannot believe you got the Putin picture and he does strutt. You have a very bright future in comedy writing and blogging.

http://stuffgirlslike.wordpress.com

16 04 2008
NotBlonde

I work out at the gym on campus and lordy be there are a million of the bendy girl types trying to get hit on by the meatheads in the weight room. Thankfully it’s separated from the cardio machines.

There is also the anorexic girl who should really not be exercising who everyone looks at like, girl just sit down and eat a good sandwich. And there are a bunch of girls who come in full makeup (I think they must be sorority girls) and give me dirty looks because…I don’t know actually.

I’ll be doing my elliptical workout, minding my own business. Then one of these Barbie made-up douches HAS to get on the machine next to me regardless of the fact that there are like, 20 other open machines. She then proceeds to look over my shoulder, like I can’t see her, to see what level and resistance I’m at. She’ll then boost hers up so that her level is higher than mine and run faster than me. And then she’ll blantantly look over at me, look at her friend (who is standing right in front of my machine), look at me, look at her friend, and the friend will roll her eyes like I’m taking forever when she could just go on a different machine. But god forbid she can’ t chat with her fellow blonde idiot and not really work out.

My boyfriend was also helping me work out for awhile since he plays basketball for my school’s team and he suggested I lift weights (tiny ones) to help get lean muscle. We go to the weight room and it’s ALL dudes. I’m the only girl in there, ever besides the dykey looking chicks who are curling 200. Which means every guy in there stares at me like I’m the second coming of Christ and try to chat me up when he leaves to go to the bathroom or something. Boys have no gym etiquette.

16 04 2008
Esquire

I make it a point not to laugh or pick at the morbidly obese in the gym, even though they have worked up a sweat just getting out of the car. Those are the poor souls who need to be in there the most. Have you SEEN the biggest loser?

Not to mention there are some BIG girls in my aerobics class that I would like to karate chop a few times because they have so much energy, kick thier gotdamn legs higher than mine, and dont even need water breaks. They are doin all the moves, smilin, just challenging the teacher to give us hell, all the while catchin evil looks from me right before I black out. Dont sleep on the big people in the gym, some of them could kick your ass.

16 04 2008
Esquire

And Merri Lee, you have officially made me cry at work.

“While it warms my heart to see obese people in the gym, do not dress like an “after” while you are still “before.”

Chris, its okay to holla OUTSIDE the gym, but not when someone is running, jumping, cycling, or totally ignoring your ass. Plus if you look like a sweaty hot piece of shit, please refrain. If you look like the Rock, Will Smith, an African Prince, a warrior, or a Spartan after your Spartan workout…please proceed..unless you detect a wedding ring. Chances are, her husband is on the weights while she is on the cardio.

16 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

LMFBAO@ Merri Lee I must agree. They made work-out gear for a reason. Im tired of seeing the big fat guy’s ass crack everytime he bends over. And the chick that wears the big ass t-shirt with no bra knowing good and damn well she is a D cup, not cute. I must agree with Esquire as well. I dont see anything worng with getting at a chick outside the gym and not while someone is all winded getting off the treadmill. When I use to go the gym dude stayed trying to get at me. Im like dude I came here to work out not socialize like we are at a longue.

16 04 2008
Merri Lee

True story – I used to work 3-11pm and go to 24Hour Fitness afterward. Mind you since it’s the middle of the night, hardly anyone’s there and only about 10 of the 200 or so lockers are in use. Yet every time I was there, this 45-50yo woman always chose the locker farthest from the showers, and proceeded to walk across the big assed locker room, dripping wet, wearing nothing but her towel wrapped around her hair. Once a woman walked in, saw her, and practically reenacted “The Incident.”

16 04 2008
Tamara

meri lee since you brought up locker rooms and nakedness, i really hate women who walk around the locker room like it’s their bathroom. Put those floppy titties away!

thankyew

16 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

hahaha Omg that just reminded me of a scaring moment in my childhood when i was about 8 or 9. I was in a summer camp and they took us to the local YMCA to swim. Going in to the locker room scared me for life. Nothing but a mix of old white and black women butt ass naked taking showers and what not. To this day I refuse to go in a public shower/ locker room where there are open shower. GAG As a 8 yr old i wasnt looking forward to growing old and having saggy ass titties and that pouch(mostly old white women get these the kangaroo pouch that bulges out over the uterus) hahaha ew. 😦

16 04 2008
Mrs. Kennedy

lol@Merri
I love a little man titty every now and again. Makes me feel good about myself, and reminisce a little about that Seinfeld episode when Kramer “invented” The Bro, a breast restraint system for men. . .
After almost killing myself in an attempt to re-enact that Okay Go video at the gym, I have refrained from showing my face in public areas of fitness and save my energy for home stripper aerobics. . .
Gotta keep my man happy 🙂

16 04 2008
maya

hmmm…and yet as i read this, i’m sitting on the sofa with a pint of ben & jerry’s. i was going to the gym for a quick minute and i actually started to enjoy it. i had more energy and got better sleep. then the semester started and it’s back to the saaaame ole same – lots of pasta and bread and feeling heavy all the damn time. when april is over, i’ll be back (or at least that’s the plan).

and a friend of mine is asshole #1 – all the talks about is working out, the fucking gym, how many reps he did, and how his torso is big but he can’t figure out how to get his legs to catch up. “it’s kinda funny, ” he says. no fucker, it’s kind of annoying because i don’t give a shit.

17 04 2008
Dani

Chris considering that you weren’t training for war (real or simulated) why exactly did you decide to do the “Spartan Workout?” you look like you weigh about a buck 28…..eh well you learned your lesson (I hope)…I don’t work out at a gym much but when I do I am annoyed to no end by the chick that has a perfectly coordinated work out out fit hair perfect make up done to the nines….my big issue with them is that they post up during the busy hours…seriouslly?!!! Could you do your posturing somewhere else so I can get my treadmill on please….great post as always

17 04 2008
Anmarie

That vomit in mouth then swallowed story is just about the naaaaaaaastiest thing on the planet. Oh Chris, why’d you do it to yourself? Then again i saw 300, whew! that was some king, geesh. My left eye ball nearly popped out and ran to television. Thus I can’t be to mad at ya. lol

I can deal with just about anything at all in the gym the because I like to laugh at people.

BUT there are two unforgivable sins:

1. Smelling like a bag of shrimp all willy nilly in polite society.

2. Bearing your hairy vagina in my face for no got damn reason other than to be a complete jack ass. Ever been taking off your sneakers on one of the benches in the locker room and you take a breath, look up and some one is two inches way from you with one foot on the bench lotioning her leg with her big monster Vajayjay in your face attemping to stroke your cheek. Then here’s the real fuckery: she smiles at you. What the fuck!?! Is it just me or is that some gay shit?

So much for cleaning up my language, It’s been a long day, tomorrow I’ll be better. 😀

17 04 2008
maya

OMG Anmarie!!!

That’s the God’s honest truth. Is it like, a rule, that when you are a woman at the gym you have to have a hairy vag? NO one gets a bikini wax? I’m not even talking about Brazilian fanciness, but like you can’t even clean the shit up around the sides? It’s like there’s a muppet (see photo: http://projects.csail.mit.edu/olympics/04/images/muppets-animal.jpg) stuck in a headlock…AND THEN those take FOREVER to find something to cover themselves. Like, are your draws really THAT far at the bottom of your bag? You’re just gonna let your towel fall, but you’re so exhausted from your work out that you can’t muster the strength to scoop that shit to cover your behind? Old white women are especially unashamed. Just standing there idly with all types of shit sagging and airing out. I hate that other women think “we all have the same thing,” that that means I wanna see their version of it!

17 04 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Maya- BWAAHAHAHAHA! EWWWWWWW! I try not to look at other ladies vags in the gym, just out of politeness and disinterest.

I don’t parade around the gym nekkid, but I do like to look at myself in my street clothes before I change, then look at myself in my sports bra and pants/shorts before I put on my shirt, then some more ogling once I am fully dressed. And on weekends, I am one of the gals who takes her time showering, changing and primping. I love going from sweaty to fab, I can’t help it.

I had an embarassing moment in the locker room tonight. I was still in my sports bra and I saw that this lady kept looking at my chest. I’m like, wtf is her problem? It turns out that one of my “girls” was hanging out the bottom of the bra and you could see my, er, special jewelry.

17 04 2008
maya

LMAO @ Sister Toldja. “Special jewelery,” your word choice is priceless.

Yeah, I try not to look either for both reasons + disgust. But this one time someone tried to get by me all close and I was just like “ughhhhh…” 1.) cause she’s naked, 2.) because she’s moist from her workout/shower whatever. Like, dude, you REALLY couldn’t just come from behind me and say “excuse me?” I would’ve GLADLY moved from your path. Some people are just entirely TOO comfortable with their parts in public. I make my wardrobe changes in the gym super-quick only because public facilities are really gross to me…my gym is clean but I just can’t vouch for the hygiene of others. I prefer to luxuriate at home, so I usually towel down and throw spare clean towel on the car seat and get the hell outta dodge. I have short quota on how many hairy vags I can take in one day.

17 04 2008
NotBlonde

@ maya, anmarie, sista toldja and any ladies i may have left out:

I am sooo on that boat with y’all. I went to a Bikram yoga studio for about a month and oh my gosh. The only time I could go was 6 in the morning and guess who else is up at 6 in the morning? the 40-60 year old women who do this shit to fill up their time not to get particularly fit because they never could do the poses correctly no matter how much the teacher coached them, poor things. But when they got into the very small locker room with three showers…ugh. We had to line up to wait for the next shower right? So I’ll get in line and then a completely naked woman will step up in line behind me, all in my space, and want to start a conversation. I’m thinking, I’m sorry lady, but I really cannot take you seriously while your National Geographic tits and fupa are all out there for me to see.

And then, when a shower would free up, there was this one woman who instead of covering herself up before she pulled the shower curtain open, would yank the curtain back at lighting speed so you didn’t have time you avert your eyes and then hang for a second, look at all the women in line, grab her towel from the hook and casually wander off past the line rubbing her hair with the towel. Never mind that she’s soaking wet and STARK NAKED.

I understand that it is a room full of ladies and none of us really care about each other’s parts and it truly is stuff that i have and that I’ve seen all my life, but that doesn’t mean I want to see it, ok?

17 04 2008
Angry v3.2b

Lest we forget the residual effects of the gym: people going to their local stores to do their grocery and whatever other shopping directly after a gym workout smelling of, to quote Chris in another blog, “bad meat or good cheese.”

17 04 2008
CEASE

Son real talk i love your honesty. This blog is great. I cant reiterate enough. I check em all out on the daily, stuff black/white people like blazay blah, but you and anything black are my top gunners. I know your not in any competition and just spitting whats running around your mental, but its great man. I see these pricks every day @ my gym and everyone always is thinking the same thing about em. Hilarious to read. Keep it up…

17 04 2008
Angry v3.2b

And also, the assholes who lift weights in the weight room (this is generally a college thing – at my school the weight rooms were in the basements of the dorm) whilst wearing their shower shoes, aka the $0.99 flip flops from Wal-Mart…I call them “Inappropriate Equipment Man”. I’d like to see this guy’s foot after I drop a 25lb dumbbell on it. In addition, you’ll also see Inappropriate Equipment Man playing pickup basketball, wearing any combination of the following:

baseball caps
baseball t-shirts or jerseys
cargo shorts
soccer shorts
running shoes
cross trainers
running shorts
“workout” tanktops – not a wife beater or cut-sleeve tee…you know, the kind of tanktops that weight lifters wear with the really close strap on the back like a sports bra

I love it.

17 04 2008
Angry v3.2b

Another one of my favorites is Inappropriate Gear Man. You can find him in the weight room in flip flops, baseball caps, or wearing chains and bling in the weight room.

You can also find him on the basketball court playing a game of pickup ball. He’ll generally be wearing a combination of any of the following items:

– running shoes (top offender)
– running shorts
– cross trainers
– baseball caps (indoors, you clown?)
– baseball t-shirts (usually with the colored sleeves, sometimes a “JETER” or “MARTINEZ” or whatever jersey-shirt)
– soccer shorts
– cargo shorts (another top offender)
– sports-bra style tanktops…you know, the kind that have the back like a sports bra but are made for men.
– long pants (acceptable in outdoor cold weather games, but indoors? jackass.)

Great blog, Chris. Keep it up!

17 04 2008
Chelle

I can’t stand the stripper-stretcher girls or the ones that wear the coochie cutters then get in the leg press machine.

I also can’t stand the men that aren’t in good enough shape, but have their arms out. Men also seem to be particularly prone to squatting knees-way-past-toes; my belief is that men believe they’re born knowing how to work out but have the worst form.

Also, as a woman, I don’t think I should have to compete with men for the 10s, I swear I want to ask them, “are you done ma’am”.

Maya and Anmarie: it’s the old asian women that are beyond belief bold at my gym (I live in Northern CA). I can barely take my daughter in the bathroom without her getting a show that NO ONE wants to see. They also insist on blowdrying their hair with the hand-dryers IN THE OLD PRUNY NUDE. Yuck…

17 04 2008
BeautyinBaltimore

LOL

17 04 2008
Uhura

There was this Asian chick @ my ex-gym…she was 62 years old and wrinkled (I think due to excessive tanning) but she had a boob job which gave her 20 year old breasts. It was creepy as hell.

Ew…

17 04 2008
Merri Lee

Another story – I went to the steam room, and there’s this oooooooooold East Indian man laying out on one of the benches. I then heard what I thought was the steam pipe sputtering, so I jumped up quickly so I wouldn’t get scalded. Then I smell something foul, and hear the sound again. Turns out old Indian man was passing gas like BFSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSFFFFFFFFFFFF every two seconds. The fart started in his stomach and blew out both sets of intestines. I pretended like I jumped up because it was too hot, and left. Out of curiosity, I went back a couple hours later, and when I opened the door the joint smelled like an ass chamber. This is why I sit on a thick assed towel when I use the sauna/steam room.

17 04 2008
dteezy

When you drive past the gym on the way to work in the morning, they’re hanging dormant by the ankles from the building’s rafters waiting for the gym to open. If you’re a guy you briefly think about trying to have sex with one of them. But then you realize that she kinda looks like a man, and she probably feels like sandpaper on the inside.

hahahahahahha nice LMFAO!!!

17 04 2008
Mr. Smith

Personally I hate ” old no towel naked locker room white guy.” Yes he is always white and always old with either saggy skin or he’s just fat. His mission is to make your locker room experience as uncomfortable as possible. After a rigorous work out and steam room sit, I wanted to shower off. 30 shower heads the shower area has, all in a row. I went all the way down to shower head number 30. Then, here comes ONTNLRWG and with his no towel penis flailing self, stand right next to me and uses shower head #29. Mind you, I’m about 12 and the possibility of kidnap and rape is still good for someone my size.

Disgusting.

18 04 2008
Quirky Cutie

I can’t believe no one has mentioned the nasty girls who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom feeling the need to make their e-coli available for public use out on the gym floor….nasty.

I think I’m the only one who wipes down EVERY surface that the person before me could possibly have touched with their bare hands. Including the tiny weight-adjusting knobs on machines. I do it just for this reason.

18 04 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Merri- What kinda freaky gym do you go to? LOL! We have seperate steam rooms for men and women, cause everybody is usually naked or scantily clad. You pretended to be hot? I would have been like “Are you out of your fucking MIND? That’s mean! Why would you do this to me?”

18 04 2008
Uhura

Good question. What kind of establishment puts males and females together in a fucking steam room???

18 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

The best kind.

No fat chicks tho.

18 04 2008
Sister Toldja

With clothes on? Or towels? Swimsuits? We are usually nude in those places, or let the towel kinda hang.

18 04 2008
Merri Lee

Sister Toldja – We just have one common steam room and sauna, so you must wear a swimsuit. I would’ve said something but he was asleep, which is always a smart thing to do in a steam room.

Chris – it’s 90% fat/old folks.

*************************

I don’t run out of stories, do I? (Cuz i go to the gym 5X week.)

I was doing the girl burpees (2 beat pause between each one) when some meat head looks at me side eyed and starts doing burpees 5X fast. After a few, he forgot to put his hands on the floor before kicking his legs back, and did breached like Shamu before going face-first into the floor. I figured by laughing my ass off, I did my ab and glute work for the day.

18 04 2008
keiranzma

2. the fat girl who hates me instantly on sight, and arranges herself as close to me as possible so she can pepper my atmosphere with strategic comments about “skinny bitches”; and

3. the couple–for some reason they choose to work out together, having never heard “don’t shit where you eat”–where one half, usually the male half, is more in shape than the other half. He tries so hard to obfuscate his disapproval of her fatness by murmuring encouraging things after every single situp, but you can see it in his eyes, he’s marking her reps as a countdown to the day when he finally gives up and leaves her for someone who looks as good as he does.

******************************************
Yesssssssss….
this is too funny. And then he’s looking at you all side-eye nasty while you’re getting your lift on when he’s supposed to be spotting his chick…

And i hate the cardio bunnies- chicks who have NEVER lifted a weight a day in their life, and wonder why, after spending 90 minutes on the treadmill, elliptical or in that cardio class, 7 days a week, their asses and the backs of their thighs still resemble taco meat. Damn shame…

Mofo’s who are all…meaty trying to correct my effing form. First off, i didn’t ASK for your input. Secondly, those with buddha bellys should NOT be trying to tell others how to perform ab exercises…

19 04 2008
dennisjansen

Haha. You remind me of B.Scott’s “top 5 reasons why he hates going to the gym”… hilarious. You’re added to the blogroll of course.

20 04 2008
Maura

Having just broken up with a mutated combo of Assholes #1 & 2, I found this entry to be especially satisfying. I must also report that there is a male version of Asshole #4–Hyper-Stretchy Yoga Guy, who contorts himself conspicuously as though trying out for Cirque du Soleil’s latest road show.

21 04 2008
Lone Dreamer

Another annoying thing about gyms are the stupid contracts and the stupid hidden fees and the shit they give you when you want to get out of the contract.

That’s why I refuse to join a gym that has a contract — which basically limits me to pretty small ones far from my house but it’s worth it. Knowing my procastinator/lazy personality — I don’t want to be paying 40-50 bucks when I don’t even go.

21 04 2008
Sylvia/M

The only thing I hate the most is when I walk into the gym and all the teensy folk take time to stare at me as if I’m not supposed to be there. I think I haveIt’s a university gym; but it’s open to the public if they buy a subscription.

I know I’m a big girl. I know my breasts are larger than most men’s heads. I get that, old dude from the street; thanks for staring at my breasts like you miss your momma’s nursing.

Skinny heffa on the treadmill, don’t break your neck to mean mug me while I head for the elliptical.

Sweaty palms, stop “testing” every damned elliptical without cleaning after yourself, and THEN ignore the spot where your sweat-drenched towel touched the machine! Nasty assed bastard.

And finally, do NOT get next to me while I’m minding my business on my machine and sneer at me while you’re barely going 100 m.p.h. and near to die. You don’t look good at that moment. I don’t want to do you; I’m doing me right now, kthxdie.

23 04 2008
dnacheezit

omg…laughing…so…hard..hurts…stop!…ow…ow…

26 04 2008
london

i don’t go to the gym… totally unsanitary…machines too close together.. the only person’s sweat i want on me is the one i am loving…
i play netball.. outside….

26 04 2008
ph2072

Hilarious but true.

30 04 2008
MISST

The Putin picture and the accompanying caption are killer! Keep this blog up; it brightens my day =)

8 05 2008
Merri Lee

Two more reasons I hate the gym:

* Figure 5 isn’t limited to women. There was a guy on the mats this morning reenacting the Kama Sutra with an invisible partner.

* Either the girl on the spinning bike behind me was having her back completely blown out, or she needs to control her noises while biking.

8 05 2008
Ife

This is probably the funniest thing that I have read in the last year. I was literally laughing out loud in my office. I had to go into the hallway to catch my breath! Thanks for the laugh and the tears rolling down my face.

31 05 2008
belless

is figure 6 vladimir fucking putin?

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