Restaurant Snobs

14 04 2008

A restaurant snob may not be what you think. It’s not one of those people who, when they go to restaurants, must go to the most expensive one on the fucking planet and will settle only for a seven course French supper complete with caviar, champagne, snotty French waiter dressed in a tuxedo and a goddamn sommelier named ‘Henri’ (pronounced ‘Ohn Rhee’ – a suspiciously Asian-sounding name for a Frog).

Figure 1: Is secretly Korean

A restaurant snob is far more common: one of those fucking assholes who’s constantly attending ‘Restaurant Week’ events – so to render this definition complete, we must define Restaurant Week.

Restaurant Week occurs in major cities throughout the country, and is a week-long culinary fuck fest in which yuppie douchebags blow sunshine up each others asses for three damn hours at upscale restaurants that make them feel wordly and sophisticated by offering prix fixe menus and wines/cheeses that nobody’s ever fucking heard of before.

Figure 2: Warming up at the bar before prime-time douchebaggery

Aside: Prix Fixe Menus

Prix Fixe menus are a stepping stone on the way to fascism. Prix fixe menus are popular in Europe because fascism has been popular there for so long. Why then, are these menus becoming popular here? Simple: laziness and indecision (which, incidentally, lead to fascism). Have you ever watched a yuppie try to order food? It’s fucking EXCRUCIATING as they pick apart every goddamn thing on the menu as if their choice of what to eat tonight is as important as the decision to push the big red button to launch all of America’s nukes at Iran.

I’ll hear this idiot ask me over and over again “whaddyou think about [stupid entree #1]? I’m thinking about ordering a glass of [stupid obscure wine #1] or [stupid obscure wine #2], but I dunno if [stupid entree #1]’ll compliment it. Maybe I should just get [stupid entree #2]…shoot, what should I do?”

I’ll tell you what you should do. You should make a fucking decision before I jam Henri’s corkscrew in your eye.

Figure 3: Cure for indecisiveness, or Fascism’s Outbreak Monkey?

You’d think, then, that Prix Fixe menus would make me happy. You’d be wrong. Because instead of making people grow up and learn to make decisions, prix fixe menus just take the decision away from these people altogether. They never actually LEARN to make decisions, they’re just given fewer choices. This makes people stupid, and as people get more and more accustomed to the ease of effectively ‘deciding’ on things that were actually decided upon in a smoke filled room somewhere, fascism is gonna pop up. The same people who like prix fixe menus are gobblers of Mussolini’s cock.

End Aside


The only thing more annoying than a restaurant snob is two restaurant snobs in the same fucking room. God forbid you get two of these motherfuckers together and they discover each other to be restaurant snobs. These pompous shitbricks will hijack whatever conversation was going on previously and spend the rest of the time talking about goddamn expensive food and quizzing each other about the fare at restaurants with stupid names like ‘Oya’ or ‘Lima’. For each restaurant snob, the goal of these conversations is a.) to mention a restaurant that the other snob hasn’t been to and thereby demonstrate superior snobbery, and/or b.) reinforce their opinion of “OMIGOD! The filet creme fraische was soooooooo GOOD!”.

During their little game of grabass, one of the snobs will say something to the other snob like “the BEST scallops in the city are at [stupid fucking restaurant]…”. Then this shit hole will turn to you, whom now sports a soulless and glazed over countenance reminiscent of Keanu Reeves, and ask that oh-so-condescending question – “Have you ever been to [stupid fucking restaurant]?” In the old days, I used to be nice. I’d smile and just say, in the whitest voice I could muster, “No I haven’t, but it sounds DELISH!”

Nowadays I just say fucked up shit like “Yea I’ve been once. I had the fish vagina. The taste was as predictable as the name is redundant.”

Then there is silence from the restaurant snobs, and I am happy again.

Figure 4: A friend and I celebrating our torpedoing of a restaurant snob conversation

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65 responses

14 04 2008
Anmarie

“No I haven’t, but it sounds DELISH!”

No you didn’t. hahaha!

Question about Figure 4:

What’s going on, what’s happening with your friends right hand there? Does it have anything to do with the huge smile? I mean are you like being tickled by that friend? Hmmm most curious.

14 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Another devilment about Restauraunt Week: the price of the prix fixe meals always has some cutesy tie in with the year. I think NYC’s Restauraunt Week featured dinners that were $32.08. First of all, whoo hoo! The price will go up each year, how exciting. Second of all, it’s not the year 3208! It’s 2008. Give me some fucking food for $20.08! Otherwise, leave the year out of it! Sheesh, y’all only paid $5.50 for the squid tails, chocolate remains and pureed baby anyway, plus the $.07 you pay Miguel each hour to make that crap look decent and not throw up at the smell.

But, uh, Brooklyn Vegitarian Week was the shiznit. My friend and I split a FABULOUS meal at Red Bamboo for $20.

14 04 2008
Anmarie

When is Brooklyn’s Vegitarian week coming?

14 04 2008
Laurel

Too hilarious! The prix fixe aside was dead on. This is my new favorite blog.

14 04 2008
Esquire

Nowadays I just say fucked up shit like “Yea I’ve been once. I had the fish vagina. The taste was as predictable as the name is redundant.”

Off the chain.

14 04 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Anmarie: Not until October 19th, grrrrr…… I am saving the date, cause it was AWESOME. We had the wings, the chicken entree and some great chocolate cake. I am trying to hit more of the spots this year.

14 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

This is hilarious. What about the snob that hates chain restaurants, for whatever reason. And restaurant week prix fixe menus offer tiny food! And why can’t those menu’s include drinks?

14 04 2008
imaG

lol. one of my friend got a hundred dollars went to a restaurant threw it on the table and acted like he ran the joint. and he was str8 from mexico. nigga wa stupid.

http://www.anythingblack.net

14 04 2008
Cola

Fish Vagina?! Wow!
You are so stupid and I love you for it! 🙂

14 04 2008
Miss Ray

omg, you cut me deep chris. the one time i did go to restaurant week in NYC it was great. i went to this place called Djambo and everything was, as you said, delish. i mean, i don’t go around saying “omg, have you been to djambo” to be all snobbish, but its nice to dine at a place like that instead of wendys/my house.

<>

14 04 2008
Lady

I went to something like this for a ‘girls night out’ one time. We never made that mistake again! We went there thinking we’d be all fab, dressed and made up, and got played. Aside from getting side eyed from a lot of the other patrons (once, I’m sure because I asked if they had Yuengling draft, and once because my friend; jokingly, or so I hope screamed ‘Y’all ain’t got no curly fries up in here?’), the staff was snooty as hell too… nose all in the air and shit. The food looked like that credit card commercial, one fucking drumette, some grass and some other artful ass sauce on the plate and I was like WTF? What is this, a pre appetizer? And they had to nerve to charge an arm for that mess.. I won’t even get into how we were seated next to an effing restroom in the dark (lighting wise) section of the restaurant… the highlight of the night was eavesdropping on other peoples conversations.. Sometimes you try to open up to new things, try to get a little “sophistication” but then you realize you’re cool being Jenny from the block..

14 04 2008
benjie

lmao
resturant week is cool here in philly (sometimes)
last year i went to ruth chris steakhouse (and some other random places that i can’t remember)

but since it was resturant week, they gave me THE tiniest fillet possible. like it came from a midget cow. with drinks and everything i think it still came to 115-130 dollars. so the whole “its only 35 dollars” thing didn’t really make sense to me. truthfully i couldve gone to my normal resturants and gotten real REAL wasted for the same (if not cheaper) price.

14 04 2008
letinstar

note to self…stay away from the restuarant week activities…slighty different though is my friend and i went to an auction that included us going to a restuarant for a 5 course meal including wine….we were the only two black people at the table and the conversattion was polite and boring until my friend pulled me aside and told me that one of the ladies at the table was “free” with her love and was deeply involved in conversation with one of the other men sitting at the table, whose wife happened to be sitting next to me…from that point on, i watched with my side eye, ate my cucumber soup let nature take its course…

14 04 2008
Cola

Cucumber soup… Why is that amusing to me? 🙂

14 04 2008
Miss Ray

i had a watercrest salad…that mess was delicious. will i ever have it again? nope. but it was delicious and i didn’t pay a nickel over the 24.08 that i was told!!! also i love how they don’t have bread baskets at tables. they went around with the bread basket and you picked one out. now that my friends, is fancy shmance.

14 04 2008
shabooty

i recommend just going into the bathroom of these snobby high-class restaurants in which the bathroom has an ‘ocean’ soundtrack, and leaving an upper-decker…

“The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew. the upper decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it.”

because as well all know, those fancy restaurants’ toilets, do have tanks and all, cause that’s extra fancy!

14 04 2008
benjie

boo.

someone at work smells like a fish vagina

14 04 2008
knaturalbeauty

ok, shabooty clearly has an anal fixation. In another topic you were talking about “pinching a deuce.” Ewww

14 04 2008
Miss Nokie

Does Lima serve Fish Vagina? I work in that block, so I might have to try that at lunch.

Seriously, you are killing me slowly.

(And do you take Metro downtown? If not, I saw someone who looks like you last week.)

14 04 2008
keepitreal

Damn Chris you are beautiful. I can’t believe black women aren’t falling all over your ass. *swoon*

14 04 2008
Lady

Ok that’s just plain nasty.

14 04 2008
brran1

I wonder if they have restaurant week here in Baltimore? but then again, you could only eat at ruddfuckers so many times…oh well.

14 04 2008
letinstar

@cola…cuke soup is amusing…especially as you’re watching a possible cat fight about to happen in a 4 star restaurant…

14 04 2008
Green Apple Festival-America @ Washington D.C. - Earth Day On The National Mall | shabooty.com

[…] another note, my friend Chris of ‘stuffblackpeoplehate.com‘, today wrote about “restaurant snobs.” Pretty on-point rant as usual, to which my response […]

14 04 2008
Lady

keepitreal (15:37:55) :

Damn Chris you are beautiful. I can’t believe black women aren’t falling all over your ass. *swoon*

He’s very handsome.. but if i saw some dude huggin up on him like in the pic above I’d be a lil hesitant myself..

No grease Chris.. I’m just sayin

14 04 2008
Esquire

Ha! One of my friends who THINKS she is a restuarant snob told me she doesnt like any restuarants with “white paper” tablecloths because she is used to eating at “5 star restuarants.”

But when I asked her to go to Ruth’s Chris with me she didnt even know what that was. I dont even think she’s been past the Mason-Dixon line (with the exception of New Jersey and we know that dont count)

I like the fake rest. snobs better than the real ones. Much more funny when they pretend like they have a more sophisticated palette than they do.

14 04 2008
Hill Rat

The worst part about Restaurant Week isn’t the restaurant snobs, it’s the dumb asses that never go out to eat and don’t know how to act.

14 04 2008
Lolo

“Ohn Rhee” is doing so much better these days, now that he’s stopped selling the screw top plonk out of his dad’s corner market and moved up to selling “Folie á Poissen”, vintage 2001. We haven’t figured out a fancy enough name for Dak Dong Jip but once we do, the Snobs are going to be gobbling grilled chicken anus at 135.00 per plate.

America is wonderful.

14 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Chris, did you used to drink at the Common Share before it died?

14 04 2008
sarah

i must confess, i am a restaurant snob. its only cause i had plans to be a chef, there are so many restaurants in DC, and i just love food that much. i hate chain restaurants, execpt PF Changs (cause i’ll eat anybody’s chinese food) and Ruths Chris. i dont go to restaurant week though cause its a jip. prix fixe menus are the devil.

14 04 2008
benjie

chris

pic= full inbox

you can’t tell me that you’re not getting offers now.

14 04 2008
DeJeanne

“delish”? OMG… hahaha. now THAT’s funny. I work in a wanna be “high-end” restaurant and some of the convo that goes on there falls right in line with this. that and that subtle asian racism…

14 04 2008
Lolo

Hey now, at least he’s not admitting to saying “scrumptious”. Yet.

14 04 2008
Seven

So I guess there’s no need to inquire if any of you are going to NYC’s restaurant week this summer (lol). Cute post but I agree with Hill Rat the most – the people who have never been anywhere nice a day in their lives are worse than feral cats in heat!

14 04 2008
groupie

…fuck a restaurant snob! chris is soooooo hott! damn…

14 04 2008
Mr. Smith

Mussolini Gobble Cock LMAO!!!! I have to say your Fish Vagina response is dead on to any response I or my older brother has ever given when some restaurant snob attempts their superiority patronization. Keep this stuff up, it’s gold.

14 04 2008
Beautifldreamr7

Damn I miss D.C.! And damn, you’re fine as hell!!

14 04 2008
Merri Lee

I live for Restaurant Week! My parents always wants to go out to dinner then, so as long as they’re paying, I’m not complaining.

14 04 2008
Merri Lee

BTW, all you ladies soaking your draws over the above photo of Chris should look here:

14 04 2008
Tamara

LMAO! Merri Lee you know you wrong.

14 04 2008
Ethel

Delish….and oh so accurate! About as much fun as a friend of mine who, at a five star restaurant, took a taste of the wine and said w/ a straight face “mmmmm…flacid, yet obnoxious.”

14 04 2008
Esquire

LOL Should the blog be renamed to “Chris: what Black girls like” or maybe

“A Blog that will cause you to lose your job because you read it every morning and bust out laughing in your office while various white people who walk by want to know what you are laughing at but you dont show it to them so they suspect that you are planning to overthrow the government or your secretary walks in with an important legal document to sign and you have tears in your eyes from laughing so she now thinks you are emotionally unstable or because the man whose name is on the law firm walks in to discuss an important case and you tell him to hold on since Im blogging in the middle of the work day and he wants to know the name of the blog and whats on it so now he knows instead of making him some money you are using his computer, his office space, his keyboard, and his time to read blogs that pick at things that him and his family do on an almost weekly basis.” His quote…”who DOESNT like Beyonce and Asian women whats wrong with this man”

I swore off this site last week (since Chris could be a long lost brother-in -law) but I just can’t help it.

14 04 2008
maya

LMAO. Me and Tamara just went to Lima like two weeks ago. Clearly, I am not a restaurant snob – all of the food had Lime in it (thusly, “Lima”) while my ass thought we were going somewhere for Peruvian food. I was absolutely BLOWN when I buttered my bread and noticed the horrid aftertaste of lime on my pallete. AND THEN when I asked if I could get some plain, regular ol’ butter, they said they didn’t have any! ARGH.

P.S. – Yay Benjie, you’re from Philly? Me, too. What part?

14 04 2008
ally

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

You’re a sick man.

14 04 2008
Tamara

hehe @ Maya. Clearly I didn’t give two craps about how upscale Lima claimed to be, cause I ordered a side of fried plantains with my meal (that’s that island in my boy).

14 04 2008
Tamara

oops should’ve been *me

14 04 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

Another reason why I like to frequent small, lesser known places that have good food. Either that or just cook at home. Baked cajun tilapia tonight!

14 04 2008
imaG

I like to eat at little Asian joints where I can get some lemon chicken, sweet and sour chicken, sesame, and kung pao, or honey seared chicken for less than 5 bucks a pop

ImaG – what else can I say 🙂

http://www.anythingblack.net

14 04 2008
sparkle

i was trying to resist the ‘jump on chris’ jock’ bandwagon.
but now?
i dunno.
cuz this restaurant week post effing takes the bourgie cake. dammit.

15 04 2008
Grimm

You forgot to mention how after they order five glasses of wine, two appetizers, and the most expensive thing on the menu, they expect the entire table to split everything evenly-despite the fact that they spent $60 more than everyone else.
I once spent $112 on a check (including my the tip) when my portion should only have been $72…

15 04 2008
maya

hmm…see, grimm. that’s why you have to go to dinner with like-minded people. anytime we do appetizers, it inevitably becomes a group dining experience, thereby compelling everyone to have to pay. moreover, when you dine with people on your same budget (or lack thereof) you don’t have issue of who’s paying for what.

however.

if a momophukka DOES decide to free up space in her pockets by ordering the most expensive shit on the menu, we clearly know (without saying so) that the checks WILL be separate, and i don’t give a good cot-damn how much the waitress doesn’t like it. OR you will PROMPTLY reimburse me on the follow-up trip to the club at the bar. and i wish somebody WOULD side eye me about that shit.

tamara can vouch for this system.

15 04 2008
benjie

west philadelphia born and raised.

although i am currently living in the ever gentrified univ city

15 04 2008
Grimm

haha… I know. It was a group of five and as so as the check came, things got timid. Said friend is a known golddigger, so she probably expected the guys to pick up the tab. She knew she couldn’t cover her check (her wine alone was like $17 per glass and I don’t even drink so of course I was mad).

A tipsy, hostile black woman in a room full of Blue bloods (who had also just come from the ballet) in full length fur: embarrasing. It looked like we couldn’t afford our food=and we were the ONLY BLACKS THERE.

Needless to say, her food was so much more expensive it boosted up the tax and the tip. Thats why I just said F it. I just knew we’d end up in a cop car… I know better next time than to dine with her though…

15 04 2008
Grimm

Oh and BTW, you know she picked the place too.

15 04 2008
Miss Ray

@Seven…I’m still goin to NYC restaurant week. Yea Prix Fixe giving me the opportunity to eat a portion of something I would never afford. And only drink water, my one bread, and everything thats 24.08.

15 04 2008
maya

LOL @ Grimm’s story. Yeah, that makes sense. Raggedy niggas always wanna do shit with no ends.

@ Benjie – me too! I’m going to Penn now…gentrification is an amazing process. Funny how grim shit looks after 47th street.

15 04 2008
Tamara

@Maya yes I can vouch for this system very will. I don’t business with people who wanna get all hoity toity and then can’t pay. The hell kind of crap is that? Stop living above your means and get real. I’m always asking the price range of the restaurants before I go, just so I know how much I’m bringing with me.

But some people are just trife by nature; bless their hearts.

15 04 2008
maya

I love how you respond to me on the blog as though we’re strangers when I’m CLEARLY talking to you on AIM.

15 04 2008
thebusinesswoman

Damn Chris, you lookin good as hell in that pic (albeit homo) but good nonetheless!

16 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

LOL this one is to funny because 1/2 of my friends are like this OMGGG and you got it dead on too. That’s why I stopped going out to eat with them especailly to a common place like Friday’s. One will say Hmm I like the one off such and such street they have better pictures and gadgets on the walls. WHO GIVE A SHIT WHAT”S ON THE WALLS!!. I wouldnt give two scoops of poop if naked ladies and porno shots where on the walls. Im hungry and yes the the prix fixe menus I hate those things. I like choices. And why the freach toast do they have a seperate drink menu they are wasting tress dammit! <<not a tree hugger or anything hahaha just making an observation haha

17 04 2008
ninabrown

i don’t know about restaurant snob, but i occasionally dine with friends who are either indecisive or those who always have a complaint about the dining experience.

indecisive: those who are seeking attention. they are known for having a great mind during their work hours. but soon as you sit down at the table, the person becomes an idiot.

complainer: those who have serious high expectations of what a dining experience should be, but know damn well those expectations leave the room while their at home cooking.

by the way………i am a card carrying member of of the “EBP18%+tippers” club!

18 04 2008
tiffany

why you gotta hate on the folks who like good food? it’s not (always) about showing off where you’ve been. it’s (usually … um, at least in my case) about telling your friends about stuff they might like if they have adventurous taste buds or want a good meal.

i will say though that anyone who uses ‘delish’ and doesn’t mean it ironically needs to be thumped square off in his/her forehead.

18 04 2008
Stephanie

First, I’m mad you guys are at Panda. Never. Again.

Second, but if that’s your spot, hey, enjoy it.

Third, (to brran1) you already missed Baltimore’s Restaurant Week. Unforch, most everything was Fell’s Point/Little Italy. You know how that goes.

Fourth, I laughed so hard reading your blog I got tea on my monitor. Thanks.

26 04 2008
ph2072

Oh. My. God. This post is perfectly timed. 3 days ago I cut off a now-ex-friend who is an evil dirtbag snake, and he is the EPITOME of a restaurant snob. He’s such a fucking windbag asshole. As a matter-of-fact last weekend before our falling out, he and some of our high school friends went out to a REAL Italian restaurant that isn’t as pretentious as the restaurants he goes to, and he was talking about how much he hates franchise restaurants and how he never goes to restaurants like “THAT” and all this other bullshit. My friends were looking at him like, “Dude, whatever. You still live at home with mommy. You have no right to be a snob.” *rolls eyes*

Glad I’m no longer friends with that restaurant snob.

18 06 2008
Ariah

I like Restaurant Week. I had some really good Japanese steak that I could afford thanks to RW. Of course, I had to cook it myself on a hot rock, but at least I got it the way I wanted it.

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