One of the most annoying fucking things about X-Treme sports is that you can’t just say “Extreme Sports” in a normal tone of voice. This is completely unacceptable. When you’re talking about X-Treme sports and actually mention the genre by name, you have to scream “X-TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME SPORTS!!!!” at the top of your lungs, chug a can of Surge, crush the can on your forehead, use your eye sockets to open your buddy’s beer, then use your penis to build a house. If you don’t, you are a pussy.
Figure 1: X-TREME CONFERENCE CALL!!!!!!!
Black people typically blame white people for starting the ridiculousness that is x-treme sports, but the blame doesn’t lie with white people. X-treme sports had a dual-genesis among two games played stupid fucking Native Americans.
First, there was a form of handball played in pre-Columbian central America. These crazy assholes would divide themselves into two teams and try to chuck a tiny ball between a stone ring mounted on a wall. It’s almost like those rigged and semi-unintentionally sexual carnival games where you have to throw balls into the mouth of the life-sized cardboard cutout of a woman…except people who play the carnival game aren’t ritualistically killed for losing (usually). This is the world of Aztec handball.
Figure 2: Blow the game, and you’ll lose way more than your fucking Nike endorsement.
Then there was lacrosse – and I’m not talking about the pussy ass stickball game played by khaki shorts wearing white dudes named ‘Todd’. This was real lacrosse. Indian lacrosse. A game so hardcore it was called Dehuntshigawa’es (which translates roughly to ‘little brother of war’). The games were so brutal that rival Indian nations would often play lacrosse instead of going to war. The field could be miles long. There could be HUNDREDS of players on EACH side. There were no pads, no rules, and no fucking mercy. People routinely died playing the game.
Figure 3: (l to r) X-Treme, X-Tremely Gay
After white people killed all the Indians and the Vietnam War ended, white people concluded that their lives weren’t being threatened often enough anymore – so they decided to steal yet another Indian tradition and endanger their own lives through sport. They started doing shit like jumping out of planes, hurling themselves off bridges, and starting shitty alternative rock bands for no goddamn reason. They disguised the inherent stupidity of these acts by giving them cool names like ‘skydiving’ , ‘bungee jumping’, and ‘Linkin Park’.
Figure 4: Betcha he’s got an X-TREME HARD ON!!!!!!!!!
Modern X-treme sports are particularly offensive to the segment of black people who grew up in dangerous neighborhoods. These black people grew up having their lives under constant threat against their will: being shot at for wearing the wrong color shirt, getting beaten half to death for not joining gangs (or beaten completely to death for doing the opposite), hearing nighttime gunshots which, at any point, could shatter your window and kill someone in your family, and so forth. After surviving all this, we have to put up with spoiled white people subjecting themselves to life-threatening idiocy ON PURPOSE under the trite explanation “TEE HEE, IT’S SUCH A THRILL! YOU SHOULD TRY IT!”
No thanks, fuckface. I’m already black.
Jumping out of an airplane for ‘fun’ is like shaving your head in front of a chemotherapy patient just for the hell of it.