Traffic

4 04 2008

You’ve been at work for nine hours. You sat at your goddamn desk the whole time doing whatever the hell it is you do for a living. You survived the pointless meetings, filling out timesheets and TPS reports, and the inane conversations with co-workers that neither of you want to participate in yet you both feel obligated to start.

You get in your car happy in the knowledge that you finally get to go home. You’ll get to cook dinner, read a little, watch some TV, exercise, and otherwise goof off. But before that happens, you know you’re going to have to deal with this:

traffic.jpg

Figure 1: MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!

If you live in any major metro area and are unfortunate enough to leave work at the height of rush hour, you are going to run into traffic and you are going to want to kill everyone within a ten mile radius. Running into traffic causes people to, for a very brief time, become students of automotive existentialism. We see the wall of brake lights and ask ourselves “why?”

I’ll goddamn motherfucking tell you why traffic is fucked up:

1.) Soccer Moms: a soccer mom is a tiny white woman who drives a Ford Expedition despite having only one or two children, and is always on the phone for no goddamn reason. She buys such a large SUV because she knows she’s a shitty driver, but instead of staying off the road or taking the bus, she prefers to cause traffic accidents anyway and insulate herself against physical harm by driving an indestructible vehicle.

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Figure 2: Dangerously inconsiderate uterus-monger with her Aryan litter

If you pass by a giant SUV (that isn’t a Cadillac, because that’s us) during rush hour, you’re almost guaranteed to find it being driven by a soccer mom with a phone held against her empty head while putting on eyeshadow, doing her taxes, and reading a copy of ‘Elle’ magazine as she cluelessly runs over puppies, kittens, baby deer, and the scientist that just cured breast cancer.

2.) The Roads Scholar: this is the fucking goddamn asshole who seems to think reading a textbook, novel, or fucking newspaper is a good idea while driving. Everyone reading this has seen the fucking guy with a newspaper COMPLETELY opened to its 30″+ width on the steering wheel WHILE THE CAR IS FUCKING MOVING!!!!!

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Figure 3: “Welp, at least I got to read the Style section…”

Do you really need to read the newspaper that bad, you steaming pile of wolverine shit? Is it really so hard for you to be alone with your thoughts for a few minutes instead of having to be constantly entertained by print media? Is this reliance on the ideas of others the reason you’ve hit a career plateau in your late 20s? Do us all a favor and drive your car into the side of a library.

3.) Old People: the elderly usually wait until Sunday to fuck traffic up, but every now and again they’ll come out on a weekday. When they do, it’s never pretty. This tiny old person will be pulled up with his face six inches from the steering wheel looking like he’s trying to spot a gnat on the hood. He REFUSES to drive more than 35 mph and REFUSES to get out of the passing lane.

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Figure 4: My hero

I can’t be too mad at the old folks, though. There’s something heroic and even patriotic in their defiant refusal to give up their cars in spite of the overwhelming lack of sense in their continued driving. Personally, I can’t wait to be the world’s first blind 115 year old driver.

4.) Young People: with high schoolers being involved in more sports and other after school activities than ever before, more and more of them are winding up on the roads when the rest of the working public is driving home. Young drivers fall into two categories: the extremely overconfident, and the extremely underconfident.

The overconfident drivers are the ones who think driving a car in real life is like driving in a video game. You can (and must) drive as fast as you can under any conditions, and other motorists are little more than poles in their automotive slalom of death. They also try very very hard to look cool while driving. They turn the volume of their shitty Linkin Park CD all the way up, lean back as far as they can in the seat, and drive with one hand. Inevitably, they will turn a blind corner or misjudge braking distance, slamming into the back of someone’s car and causing a four hour fucking traffic jam.

youngdriver.jpg

Figure 5: More dangerous than the Watts Riots

While overconfident drivers are usually boys, the ranks of the underconfident drivers are filled mostly with girls. Underconfident drivers are very much like old people in that they refuse to drive over 35mph, and they’re pulled up so close to the wheel they could (and probably should) steer the car with their tits. Unlike old people, they have absolutely no clue what the fuck they’re doing. You can recognize the underconfident driver by the look of sheer terror on her face, constant and unnecessary checking of blind spots, and complete inability to parallel park.

nervousdriver.jpg

Figure 6: Tragic Comedy

5.) Asian People: my brother claims that the ability to concentrate intensely on a single item like a laser beam that makes asians so good at academics makes them, at the same time, incredibly inept in the multi-tasking environment of driving. I’m inclined to agree with him.

asiandrivingdisaster.jpg

Figure 7: Why bicycles were so popular in Chinese cities

This theory is backed up by The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, in that all the asians who were expert drivers were also unmitigated jackasses. If they were the typical asian overachievers or FOBs with whom we’re so familiar, FF:TD would’ve been a four minute film about a 50 car pileup in an otherwise empty parking lot featuring a bunch of confused and bespectacled asians all pretending not to be able to speak english.

6.) Stalematers: this situation happens on two-lane parkways all the fucking time. Someone who has no business in the left lane will inevitably be in the left lane. Someone goes to pass them in the right lane. Then the fucking asshole in the left lane speeds up enough not to get passed. The two continue adjusting their speed upwards until neither is willing to go any faster and they wind up hogging both lanes, side by side in an automotive stalemate at the same goddamn speed. In this infuriating game of speed limit chicken, everybody loses – especially the hundreds of angry people behind the stalematers who want to pass but physically can’t.

carstogether.jpg

Figure 8: The only time Stalemating is OK

Stalemating is the reason I’ve been lobbying congress for the last ten years to let me attach a battering ram to the front of my car. So far they’ve ignored my requests. I suppose they have more important things to do, like persecuting baseball players for steroid use while the country’s fighting two wars and looking into the mouth of a recession.

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81 responses

4 04 2008
shabooty

women drivers, no survivors.

4 04 2008
Tom Harkin

you forgot abt the stupid fuck who is too busy working the t9 on his/her lg chocolate while driving home from their retail job at banana republic. fucking asshole should have been aborted

4 04 2008
Machete

lmao @ Number 5! You even used an accord! Niiiicccceeee.

American Dad (tv show) did a nice skit of an asian chick doing a 5-lane switch for no reason. This post reminded me of that.

Another pet peeve of mine is “baby on board” stickers, like that makes the rest of us on the road more expendable… Granted I have sucked more oxygen and earth’s resources than that lil’ bundle of joy, I too happen to be someone’s grown ass, much loved baby! dangit!

4 04 2008
The Broken Forum

Black people fit in each of these categories with the exception of being Asian. Old black people, black soccer moms, etc. You forgot to mention middle-age professional black women. They are by far some of the most aggressive drivers on the road.

4 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Alas, I have returned from the abyss of double duty overtime to visit SBPH… only to come upon the subject that is the root of all the fury in the world: Sorry ass drivers.

There is nothing in the world that I hate more than ALL of the topics covered in the above statements. All of those who know me can certainly attest for my… well… detest for those with the acute inability to properly and effectively operate a motor vehicle. With that said… I’d like to refer back to a blog that I wrote about a year ago that defines some laws that should be passed for those “lacking the appropriate driving ability”

It goes as follows (please note I wrote this while I was on the west coast)

In the past six days, I have spent over 20 hours behind the wheel of a motor vehicle between the following cities: San Diego, Long Beach, Anaheim, and Las Vegas. Within these 20 hours I encountered blundering relics behind the wheel of what I can only describe a metallic whale on wheels, dual lane hogging mini-vans/SUVs operated by both soccer moms and sleep deprived fathers, inexperienced cheerleaders in cars that their parents obviously bought them, spaghetti eating lard asses weilding pickup trucks that are way in excess of both the visual and the audible and overagressive ricers who what I can only refer to as “accidents waiting to happen.” Now with that said, lets go ahead and figure out how to address these people.

Law #1) Shit head drivers
When I am king the relics operating metalic whales with wheels (cars, trucks, etc) will be required to pay a fee of one thousand dollars to the state and take an operators test which would require them to drive these bus like vehicles for three straight hours on both the highway and in suburban streets to prove their ability to operate them. Failure would result in loss of both the one thousand dollars and their beloved RV, to prevent them from taking it onto the road illegally and almost killing someone because they couldn’t keep it in their lane. This law would be an addendum to the following law:

Individuals over the age of 55 would have to take and pass a mandatory drivers test which would include but not be limited to at least one hour behind the wheel of a standard size car with an observer monitoring their every move. If any portion of the test is deemed a failure the following restrictions would be strictly enforced:

– The individual would not be able to purchase or thereby operate a vehicle with a curb weight greater than three thousand pounds. Purchasing one over the allotted weight would result in the vehicle’s immediate impounding and auction at the owners expense accompanied by the owners incarceration for at minimum 10 days and a fine of $1000
– The individual would not be able to operate their motor vehicle between the hours of 6:30am to 9am, 3:30pm and 7pm, OR 10pm to 4am. Operating the vehicle within the restricted times would result in a penalty of at least $1000 with additional fines probable.
– The individual would be required to park only in the handicap parking spaces. Parking anywhere else would result in a heavy fine of at least $1000.
– The individual would be required to operate only in the right lane of ALL streets unless it is absolutely necessary. Operating outside of the right lane without requirement of making a left turn would result in a $5000 dollar mandatory fine and possible jail time. If the individual fails the test completely… their drivers license will be revoked and they will be incarcerated for reasons of idiodicy and uselessness.

Individuals driving large SUVs, huge pickup trucks or mini-vans please see laws above and the additional laws:

-Each SUV owner will be subjected to a drivers exam that includes but will not be limited to pull in and parallel parking, opening and closing doors without tapping the vehicles next to them during the pull in test, preventing their children from the tapping the adjacent cars with the doors, and maintaining control of a grocery basket during unloading of groceries therefore preventing it from ramming into other vehicles. Successful completion of this exam would result in each driver obtaining a SECONDARY license that allows the driver to operate an SUV. Failure to successfully complete will result in denial of the SUV license being issued and the SUV being confiscated and auctioned at the owners expense.

(NOTE) Cheerleaders driving the BMW or Audi that mommy and daddy bought them. This case does not limit the operators of these vehicles to just cheerleaders themselves, but EVERYONE under the age of 25 driving a vehicle that someone even with ten years of work experience under their belt cannot afford AS WELL AS their respective parents. The word cheerleader was used in respect to my personal experience this weekend and will hereby be used universally to both describe and insult those who have something that they clearly do not deserve. Without further adew, here are the underly obligations and penalties.
– People under the age of 25 will not be allowed under any circumstances to operate a vehicle built and/or sold by a luxury car company… PERIOD.
– People under the age of 25 will not be allowed under any circumstances to be the primary operator of a vehicle with multiple luxury ammenities associated with it.
– People under the age of 25 will not be allowed under any circumstances to operate a vehicle with a cost of over 25 thousand dollars new.
– People under the age of 25 will not be allowed under any circumstances to operate a vehicle over 17 thousand dollars used.
– People under the age of 25 will not be allowed to have more than one object occupying the dash board and the rear deck.
Failure to comply with any of these regulations will result in a fine of $10000 that will be assessed to both the driver and the ensuing parent. Additionally a sentence of 30 days in jail will be assessed to the driver and a sentence of 60 days in jail will be assessed to the parent for allowing such to happen. These rules are enacted in compliance with my federal drivers regulation act. This requires that all drivers must learn to operate and therefore master the art of driving cheaper, poor handling vehicles in all weather conditions before graduating to any vehicle of enhanced performance and/or cost. This law helps to ensure that the probability of all vehicles costing in excess of 40 grand can be preserved and insurance companies therefore save money.

(NOTE 2) Ricers/Street Racers: All ricers/street racers will be required to take a mandatory test that includes but is not limited to at least twenty four hours behind the wheel in moderate to heavy highway traffic. This test will be incorporated to identify how safely the individuals desiring to participate in the ricer/street racer lifestyle can dart through traffic without causing or getting into an accident. Additionally, it will test the patience of these drivers to identify if they are intelligent enough to decipher traffic patterns and traffic holes effectively to maintain a “decent” cruising speed without using too much gas. Finally, the test will require the drivers to operate a manual transmission car and it will examine the dexterity of their legs performance in heavy and very slow traffic. The following rules apply
– If the individual fails the test in any account, they will forfeit their vehicle on the spot of the failure. If the ricer is caught ricing or at fault for the cause of an accident after failing a test, they will be incarcerated for at least 30 days and a mandatory fine of $5000 will be enforced. If the ricer is at fault for the cause of a fatal accident the crime is punishable, without objection, by death on the spot by law enforcement officers.

Excessive trucks: get rid of them. You don’t haul shit… so you don’t need it. The only exceptions are those who operate motor vehicles in terrains other than normal asphalt

#2) Get the fuck out of my way. Now this partially stems off of number 1, but I will reiterate it. All individuals, when I am King, will consistently check their left and rear view mirrors (no that is not a vanity mirror) for vehicles traveling at a high speed while approaching from their rear. If there is an open lane next to them and they do not yield the right of way, it will be perfectly legal for the incoming vehicle to knock the blocking vehicle out of the way. The same concept applies for pacers. All SUVs are not to be in the left most lane unless they are traveling at a high rate of speed* see definition below

*high rate of speed is a speed at least twenty miles an hour higher than the posted suggested speed limit.

Any vehicle incapable of maintaining the minimum suggested speed limit will be immediately impounded and the driver will be jailed for at least 30 days. The only exception to this rule is if a car of *”acceptable foreign make”* under the age of 4 years old becomes disabled and must be limped off of the freeway to the nearest exit. What about the others… you ask? I’ll tell you. Domestic vehicles (Primarily Fords and Chryslers) do not apply because their buyers are too naive and incompetent to purchase soon to be rust buckets that have proven to be the most unreliable trash to operate on the planet. Foreign cars greater than four years of age are outside of the perfect operation range and the standard warranty has already expired, therefore posing a higher risk of failure and requiring greater attention and scrutiny toward maintenance by the owner. An individual delinquent on their maintenance is asking for a good jail sentence.

* Cars of Foreign make include: Toyota and their sub brands, Honda and their sub brands, Nissan and their sub brands, BMW, and it pains me to say… Volkswagen and their sub brands.

*Cars not within acceptable range include but are not limited to: Chrysler, Ford (Fix Or Repair Daily), Mercedes Benz, Volvo (because of their link with Ford), Mazda (because of their link with Ford), Jaguar, Aston Martin, Mitsubishi because of their link with Chrysler.

#3) More get the fuck out of my way… STOP FUCKING BROWN NOSING! This will be penalized with a minimum of 3 months in jail. Brown nosing is defined as dropping at least ten miles an hour below the posted suggested minimum speed limit to observe anything on the side of the road. In fact… the maximum sentance for brown nosing may result in death by impaling.

#4) Even more get the living fuck out of my way… Semis and those that are scared of semis must stay to the right. Failure to do so will result in ten days in jail and a $5000 fine.

These rules may be amended to at any time without prior notice.

4 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

The purpose of The Admiral is to leave comments longer than all of my posts combined.

4 04 2008
Admiral Furious

OH and I’m an avid supporter of the NO TALKIN OR TEXTING ON THE CELL PHONE WHILE DRIVING LAWS. Please note that people with those blasted communications devices wedged between their hand and their ear OR their shoulder and their ear while driving are almost ALWAYS severe roadblocks in the left lane of the highway.

I support bluetooth devices… despite their many security flaws.

4 04 2008
Admiral Furious

That is correct Chris. 🙂

4 04 2008
sarah

you’re forgetting the category of “Drivers from New Jersey”

i used to work in a dental office and the dentist was asian. every now and then, she would drive me home (i live in DC. i walk. no need for a car. and there is always zipcar). she told me on the first ride home that she killed her first BMW in an accident and i soon found out why. she was the shittiest driver ever! driving the few blocks to get me home, she drove 12mph and listlessly drifted from lane to lane, all with her hazard lights on.

4 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Can I add “Black Men” to the list? It seems that they are focused on destroying me behind the wheel (and also in relationships). They’d risk bodily harm, death or even damage to the 23 inch rims on their Cavalier in order to keep me from changing lanes to avoid, say , hitting a small child.

@ Sha-Booty: I am a machochist, so I tried to click on your site. Then something about “Hip-Hop and booty”. Then Internet Explorer shut down. Then I knew that God loves me.

4 04 2008
snarkymom

I’m a white middle class female [never been a soccer mom] 60+ yrs, who drives a 10 yr old Honda manual transmission in a ridiculous daily commute in California and I’m a damn good driver. I have been driving since 16 and have NEVER had an accident by adroitly avoiding the idiots. I routinely [like always] drive way over the speed limit and have NEVER had a ticket. Believe me, it IS possible, all you brain dead 20 yr old males out there. And I refuse to own a damn cell phone, black berry or other piece of electronic crap. What the hell do you have to say that is so important? Absolutely nothing. So, I am uniquely qualified to add another category, and it is definitely NOT a subset of #5 Asian Men. Deserving of their very own category would be Chinese women of ALL AGES. They get into a car and suddenly have shit for brains, death-gripping the steering wheel while riding your bumper about 6 inches away when it is STOP AND GO, gridlock traffic. Get them off the road. Absolutely no driver’s licenses allowed, period.

4 04 2008
Sister Toldja

@ Sarah: OMG yes. Drivers from New Jersey should be remanded to a 2 mile radius of their own house! I drive from Brooklyn to work in Newark each day and each day I see my life pass before my eyes, ended by some waste of atoms who says things like ” Take it easy, erright? Dis ain’t New Yawk. Why such a ‘errry?”

4 04 2008
Fruity Pebble

I live in Miami, and in #3, the word “Asian” could easily have been replaced by “Haitian” and been just as accurate.

According to many national studies, this place is the world capital of bad drivers. I support their findings. Hate to say it, but I suspect it has to do with a disproportionate number of our drivers having recently been issued driver’s licenses after taking the test in a language other than English, with their only previous driving experience having had 4 legs and a cart attached.

Oh, and red always means “3 more cars.”

4 04 2008
70ssoulchild

I2I on this post Chris! ROTFLMBO @ Dangerously inconsiderate uterus-monger and her Aryan litter/(spawn)! Welcome to my world on the weekends! Damn bottle blonds in their SUV tanks! *shakes fist*

Where I live they have the audacity to not only be terrible drivers but racist momofukus as well. One yelled to my husband and father in law to go back to Africa after she cut them off! I’m still pissed out that one and I wasn’t even there when it happened.

Oh and you left out the ever-blinking left turn signal on #3! Irks the heck outta me.

4 04 2008
70ssoulchild

Scariest person on the road here in the SF Bay Area is the old Asian lady driving a big a** Cadillac* thru the streets of downtown Oakland. Scarier than any drive-by could ever be.

*Pre 1990 models

Another pet peeve of mine is “baby on board” stickers, like that makes the rest of us on the road more expendable…

I2I machete! To add to that is the stick figure drawings of all the family members and pets on the back window of said SUV/Tank. Ack!! And the my child is an honor student of Aryan/White Supremacy Elementary/Middle School. Please spare me…Let me stop cause I’ll be on here all day. LOL

4 04 2008
bluedoll

He said “Aryan litter”. I live in the Metro DC area. My biggest pet peeves about driving:
1. the teenybopper who thinks driving fast = driving skills
2. the driver who has their turn signal on for five miles, then turns in the OPPOSITE direction of the signal.
3. people who drive the speed limit (or slower) in the left lane
4. people who won’t let me over, even if I have the signal on and am being polite.
5. people who change diapers during morning rush hour. As they are driving. (yes, I’ve seen it done. Repeatedly)
6. bottleneckers. The accident is on the OTHER SIDE of the highway. You can’t see it, nor can you help, so why are you slowing down to stare at the jersey wall??!!
7. people who ride my bumper. you’d betta back up.
8. people who don’t adjust the rear view mirror. It’s called that for a reason.
9. people who don’t know how to merge. If there is a merge lane, keep going, don’t completely stop because you are afraid to merge.
10. people with children in the car who are NOT wearing seat belts, and the kids are all over the car.
11. the tractor trailers that are doing 90 mph, when the flow is only 70 and they come out of nowhere, blow past you, and your life flashes before you and you see the end coming.
12. the Woodrow Wilson Bridge.

but this is all just me.
I drive a stick and am a skilled driver and drive as if someone was about to hit me. And curse the whole time

4 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Are all of y’all in DC? LOL. I have to admit, my time in “The Urrrea” made me a tough enough driver for New York. I used to take the Beltway in to MD and I thought I was gonna die. Every single time. I drew a picture of what it looks like. Check it out: http://thebeautifulstruggler.blogspot.com/2007/10/and-im-sensitive-about-my-sht.html

4 04 2008
Dom

I take the T in Boston so I dont have to worry about traffic.

Its convienient and I dont have to worry about wasting my expensive gas sitting in traffic. It does, on the other hand, mean I have to deal with teenagers with excessive amounts of morning energy, white girls blasting mediocre rock music on their ipods, and the woman who’s trying to drag her double stroller on and off the crowded train.

Im also anticipating a funkified ride in the sumertime. Traffic might not seem so bad then.

4 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Sister Toldja!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THOSE PICTURES ARE HILARIOUS!

MEANWHILE… I TRULY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE *STOP* AT IN A MERGE LANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(pause while I unleash a symphony of expletives)

There is a 67% chance that the person stopped in the merge lane is an asian person.

4 04 2008
kablammyman

This whole list is full of win, but in reailty, I would settle for people learning to merge!! Is it that hard to change freeways or to get off of the freeway?

4 04 2008
Dom

It actually is kinda difficult to do, but maybe that’s just the future soccer mom in me speaking!

4 04 2008
Lady

Stalemating drivers need to have the spikes thrown out in front of their cars. Why do you feel the need to regulate traffic by having a ‘bet-you-can’t-pass-me’ contest on the parkway? Maybe I’d like to drive faster than 55mph.. get the hell out of the way!

I’m glad someone mentioned Hatians but what about the Puerto Ricans/Dominicans?? They have manual civics, souped up in every way possible, some times you can’t even tell it’s a damn Honda, making noise like they’re driving 75mph, but dumbass is *just* learning how to drive stick, so he’s only going 25mph, and burning his transmission up all the while… Even better is when there’s traffic in town and they spot Jean-Marc/Jose sitting on his porch and decide to block traffic while having a 7min conversation.. all people with things to do that are honking on either side of you be damned..

I need a red shell (think MarioKart64) when I’m driving at all times…

ONE last thing.. the baby on board stickers.. EFF them.. are they telling us or posting a reminder for themselves? Those fuckers drive worse than most.. kids all nicely strapped up in the back, you driving on your phone and a tall cup of some mocha chino crap, your foot crammed between your side view mirror and your window (yes, i’ve seen that.. while driving) swerving while driving 80mph, changing lanes w/ no signal and riding someone’s ass.. Hellooooooooo

4 04 2008
d teezy

Figure 1: HAHAHA WTF DAMN THAT IS SOME TRAFFIC!!! Where in da FUCK is that! You scarin me out of a car purchase.

and hahaa, Aryan litter… hahaha

4 04 2008
Anmarie

Admiral i was just asking where you’ve been for so long and damn boy you came back with your senior thesis.

4 04 2008
imaG

I fucking HATE traffic. San Antonio FTW – Rare occasion. Houston FUCK that place.

I relate with this post times 10.

http://www.anythingblack.net

4 04 2008
lisaturtle

LoL! You slay me.

MD/DC/VA TRAFFIC DISTURBS ME, THIS IS PART OF THE REASON I DON’T DRIVE. 🙂 I know I’m a bad driver, why add to the conglomerate of bad Metro area drivers. UGH.

Highways/Interstate That Make Me Fear For My Life:
695
95 (Like Rick Rawss says, “tryna survive on 95…”
295… FUCK 295.

No seriously, if it ends in a 95 it’s a mess.

Route motherfucking 3
50

Any and everything connected to Baltimore City

4 04 2008
lisaturtle

Also, Fuck Atlanta traffic. Ugh.

4 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Sorry for both the absence and long post. I’m flattered that the Admiral was misssed… thank you for your concern. 🙂 Work was real heavy the past two weeks… not to mention the horrible traffic on GW parkway… aka the haven of 2 lane stalemating drivers.

Just Wednesday I was driving northbound… with about 8 cars in front of me… the eighth being one of those Econoline vans that Ford makes. Of course it was pacing the person in the right lane at a clip of no more than 60mph… which had all of us in the left lane infuriated. Approximately ten miles marked our 60mph prison sentence, before the van somehow managed to pass the car in the right lane just enough for all seven of us trailing him to cut through the right lane and pass him. I checked my rear view mirror and noted several other people doing the same…. UNTIL….

The driver of the van decided it was time to get over into the right lane and ALMOST caused an accident. One of the other cars had tried to get around him/her in the right lane… but had to swerve back into the left lane when the van suddenly decided to become a blockade.

Regardless, this does not come anywhere near the drivers in southern CA… specifically LA. Awful.

BUT let me point out something that I do like about LA… but hate about MD/VA/DC/PA etc. The state troopers out there actually HELP people and have the brains about how traffic is affected by their presence!!!! In So-Cal. the California Highway Patrol (CHP) do NOT pull people over for doing 85 in a 70… as that is the actual speed of most of the traffic out there. They will NOT pull someone over when a group of traffic is moving along at 90+ either! Break 100… well thats a different story. But thats not the point. When CHP’s do pull people over, they don’t sit on the side of the road behind the offender with their lights flashing, etc. Why? Because they know that most drivers are TOO fucking stupid to NOT hit their brakes when they see emergency lights flashing. Additionally, they, NOR any local jurisdiction that I witnessed in my 13 months out there, had pulled anyone over in the middle of a busy street just to issue at ticket… unlike how they do here. Standard policy AND California road law mandated that when being pulled over, the offender pull off of the road/freeway/etc and pull into a parking lot, and therefore not impede traffic.

I hated California with a passion… but I must admit that their traffic laws and regulations were nearly spot on. I guess they did get something right. And no I did not have any encounters with the LAPD.

4 04 2008
Cola

Atlanta traffic is no joke. I phucking hate Atlanta traffic. The problem with the traffic here is sometimes you are sitting at a stand still forever only to find out there is no phucking accident or lane closure. As soon as you get past a certain spot say spaghetti junction, you start moving at the the speed limit and you realize something.. We were all stopped for no phucking reason!! No matter if you take the side roads or the any of the crammed highways you are going to get stuck. So you may say move closer. That shyt doesn’t work either. When I was renting I lived less than ten minutes from the job. So please explain why it would take nearly a phucking hour to get home?! And don’t get me started on the lack of public transportation!

4 04 2008
km

im asian and im pretty sure i drive better than you motherfucker

4 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Also, please let me note the difference between California’s traffic enforcement and its actual traffic. Those two are on two completely different sides of the likeable spectrum!!!

I’ve seen rush hour traffic in New York, DC, Miami, Richmond, Philadelphia, Cleveland, and several other cities that I do not feel like typing out and I WILL PROFESS THAT NONE OF THEM EVEN COMES CLOSE TO THE MESS IN THE LA/INLAND EMPIRE SPAGHETTI FORMATION OF ROADWAYS. That shit hole made me appreciate beltways like 695 and… gasp… 495. I’m not discounting the problem in DC or Bmore, because god almighty 1 extra lane on all roadways along the eastern seaboard would be wonderful. BUT LA… at any given time of the day… there is a backup on at least 5 if not ALL of its freeways at one time. Lets make a list shall we?

Routes: 90, 91, 101, 110, 60, 57, 134
I-405, I-605, I-5, I-15, I-10

And thats just a few…

I do understand that the sheer volume of traffic will certainly cause backup problems, as it directly reflects the high school experiment of water being rushed through a small opening on a bottle. However, it wasn’t until I had to drive from North of LA to San Diego that I realized yet another reason why traffic in that area is so FUBAR. And do you know why that is????

Traffic sign placement was WRONG… with arrows pointing to lanes that either did not exist or was not the appropriately designated lane leading to the destination that was indicated. Additionally, any logical person on the east coast has experienced high way interchanges with exits that go in either direction perpendicular to the vector they are already set on. In LA its not the case. For example if you’re traveling north east on the 134 freeway and you want to get onto the 57 North… you can forget it, because there is only an exit for the south bound section of the 57. —So wait… how do you get onto the 57 North from there?–you ask. I’ll tell you… you have to drive 8 miles down the 134 and turn around to go on the 57 North. Yes… 8 miles. And that makes me wonder if that was a conspiracy contrived by the oil companies out there to build the freeways like that. Because the 134/57 interchange is not the only one.

Wanna know another idiotic tid bit about CA roads/naming convention? Why the FUCK is the 405 named the San Diego Freeway… when it runs from LA WEST BOUND!! IT GOES NO WHERE NEAR SAN DIEGO!!

Lastly… Its truly funny and ironic to me that the LA/SD area has so many Oil Pumps/refineries, yet sports the some of the highest gas prices around. Demand? Yes I understand that. But why is it that there is such a price discrepancy between there and New Jersey?

4 04 2008
Admiral Furious

km… I highly doubt that.

4 04 2008
voodoobooty

This post is hilarious even though I don’t drive, I ride the iron horse so I could write my own post on the serpentine hell that is the MTA/NYCTA.

4 04 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

While on this subject, I actually blogged on my personal site a few weeks ago about southern drivers. Since moving to the greater Atlanta area, I’ve witnessed the following offenses, all of which should be punishable by a minimum of 60 days incarceration, 12 months loss of license, loss of vehicle, and/or $15000 fines:

– failure to yield
– failure to utilize turn signals
– failure to merge
– failure to maintain a constant speed
– failure to utilize headlights in hours of darkness
– failure to utilize headlights in inclement weather
– failure to utilize windshield wipers in inclement weather
– unsafe following distance
– unsafe lane changes, to include but not limited to:
– failure to use turn signal when changing lanes
– cutting off
– failure to allow enough space to the vehicle to your front
– EXCESSIVE speeding
– EXCESSIVELY LOW speed in the “high-speed” lanes
– cell phone use while driving

among many, many others. Driving in the south is like destruction derby – most people drive shitty old model american cars with rims worth more than the car or the people inside, and therefore do not have insurance. While you might be operating your $30K+ fine piece of foreign machinery (see: Honda, Toyota, Nissan, Acura, Lexus, Infiniti, or BMW) in a safe and insured manner, the meat-pirate in the circus wagon next to you on 38’s feels that it is necessary to switch lanes into your lane without:

a) looking
b) signaling his/her intent
c) checking their blind spot
d) driving properly at-fucking-all.

Be grateful in the DMV – at least drivers up there use their turn signal when they cut you off going 48 in a 65.

4 04 2008
70ssoulchild

Admiral you got me rollin’ over here in Northern California!! Southern Cali is on that ish when it comes to traffic!

@ lisaturtle – Everything that ends in ’80 in the Bay Area is jacked up! 80 (the original nightmare), 280, 380, 480 (oops crumbled in ’89 earthquake), 580 (the bane of my commute existence), 680, 780, 880(’80’s southbay/silicon valley cousin) all will give you a serious case of road rage with the quickness, LOL!

Love this blog and comments..its my newest drug of choice and distraction from work!

4 04 2008
sorry charli

i wanna have your babies

4 04 2008
sorry charli

“This tiny old person will be pulled up with his face six inches from the steering wheel looking like he’s trying to spot a gnat on the hood.”———

——i almost choked on my gum

and i’ve been warning the community about asian drivers for years…so, good. now i know i’m not crazy. well, not that crazy. lol

4 04 2008
zoso

“Individuals over the age of 55 would have to take and pass a mandatory drivers test which would include but not be limited to at least one hour behind the wheel of a standard size car with an observer monitoring their every move. If any portion of the test is deemed a failure the following restrictions would be strictly enforced…”

You think it’s bad where you live? I live in Florida (Old Folks Capital). This is something transportation/traffic engineers and planners have been trying to make law for years!

In a nutshell, it’s just too damn easy for people to get a license. Get a learning permit at 15, then a license at 16 (with minimal variation state to state), on passing a sorry excuse for a test (roll around a parking lot for 10min)?! For a country whose main mode of transportation are automobiles (usually SOVs-single occupant vehicles), a higher skill level should be required (via proper testing, on a steady basis, say every 5/10 yrs) of all its drivers. Or at least make the initial drivers license test hard as hell. Then again, eventually the cars will just drive themselves, rendering my point moot.

5 04 2008
Cola

lol @ Angry! You ain’t never lied!

5 04 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

Cola: You know it. Just today I was almost blindsided on my motorcycle on I-85 by two girls in a Suburban, both on cell phones, with all of that bullshit window-paint written all over in a manner similar to:

“OMGZ LIKE GO SENIORS 2008 WHOO!!11”

Argh.

5 04 2008
JL

I have like the most severe case of road rage ever…its a good thing I don’t have any deadly weapons most days…ugh

5 04 2008
Lonesome Dreamer

LOOOOOOOOL @ Old People.

I love old people — I could just eat them. Literally. 🙂

5 04 2008
Cola

Gotta love ATL we got every type of bullshit driver imaginable. Don’t get me started on my daily trek across Buford Hwy. Can you say pull in front of my car and drive 35mph? While someone behind me is practically in my backseat! Plus the dude in the lane next to me is driving the exact same speed so I can’t get over. WTF?! I also love when soccer moms cut me off and then shoot the bird. They love to shoot the bird and drive off. It’s like they know how to push my buttons! To add insult to injury they refuse to respond to my cursing and horn blowing. Perhaps its a secret game the soccer moms play for daily entertainment?! Anyone else been a victim?

5 04 2008
Admiral Furious

It should be legal for me, the Admiral, to have Torpedoes, Missiles, CWIS, and Cannons mounted to my cars such that I can move all of the idiots from my way. I guess I should just buy a tank.

Funny… that reminds me of San Diego in 1992… where that soldier stole that tank and ravaged the roads. I guess traffic really got to him huh? Thats So-Cal for you.

5 04 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

Admiral Furious….observe the piece of equipment you need:

MLRS.

A quote from the article:

“All twelve rockets or two ATACMS missiles can be fired in under a minute. One launcher firing twelve rockets can completely blanket one square kilometer with submunitions. For this reason, the MLRS is sometimes referred to as the “Grid Square Removal Service”.”

It’s actually slightly incorrect – they refer to it as the “Grid Smasher.”

5 04 2008
Quiet Storm

After a long day at work, the last thing I need is to be in traffic. I am not really a talkative person, but that completely changes when two cars all of a sudden want to come in front of me in the turning lane, @$$holes brakes suddenly (especially at yellow lights. WTF!), and Driving Miss Daisy in front of me lets EVERYONE over, and so on and so on.

Being from NY, I am not afraid to use my horn and I was use to yelling at people on the road all the time. However, I got crazy and scared looks from some people when I started doing so here in DC. The best thing about not having tinted windows is that the dip shits on the road know EXACTLY how I feel about them when they look over and see/hear me cursing them out.

I also agree that Atlanta traffic is crazy too. I went to college down there and that is the one thing I absolutely do NOT miss. oYou would think since they have so many lanes on the highway that would make traffic flow a smidgen easier. NOT!

5 04 2008
Lolo

This made me a little sad that my mother isn’t alive to enjoy driving a monster Escalade. She always loved her massive Cadillacs and had an El Camino for her farm, but really it because she was thrilled that it was both a car AND a truck. I know that an Escalade would have been the culmination of all her outsized automobile lust.

There’s just something so perversely delightful about a 4’10” asian woman who needs a pillows to see over the dash and to reach the pedals, driving like she thinks she’s Speed Racer on a mission to rescue ChimChim from the bad guys, then slamming her brakes on, blissfully secure in the belief that that is exactly what POWER brakes are for. As far as she was concerned, the whole point of having a car with a V8 was so that she could punch the gas as hard as her tiny foot would go and it always amused her when I would scream. “So much drama. Hahaha”

Looking back, it may have been child abuse but I survived and I’m a better driver for it.

5 04 2008
Lolo

Oh, I got lost on memory lane and forgot to add to your list of hate.

Drivers with the american flag anywhere on their car. One flag means, “avoid and pass as soon as possible”. Two flags means, “I’m going to pass you no matter what and then block you the rest of the way to your destination”.

5 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

shit I haven’t even read this yet and the 1st picture has given me a headache!! oye…..

5 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Angry ver 3.2 Beta… A most appropriate piece of equipment for traffic combat indeed!

Perhaps something from metal storm would suffice when mounted upon a standard automobile?

5 04 2008
mini

Lots of Asians drive just fine. This is a played out stereotype.

5 04 2008
leoninatl

@Admiral: I think the reason why the 405 is called the “San Diego Freeway” is a holdover from the old days when all the freeways in the LA area were just referred to by name, instead of by name and number like they are today. 405 was originally a bypass of Downtown LA, so for people coming from up north from SF/Fresno/Bakersfield/etc., they would drive down the 405 which eventually ends at I-5 down in Irvine, which ultimately takes you to San Diego. I-5 north of it’s intersection with I-405 is the Santa Ana Freeway, south of the interchange, I-5 is known as the San Diego Freeway too. Same reason why 101 and 134 are known as the Ventura Freeway.

I live in Atlanta, and traffic here is hella fucking baaaaaaad. Part of my commute is on I-285, which traffic-wise is about as bad as the Capital Beltway. I could go on all day about the stupidity of drivers here, but I digress.

I used to live in Florida, and I literally feared for my life every time I drove down there. People either drove too fast or too slow. Add confused tourists who don’t know where the hell they’re going, and you have a recipe for disaster! Tampa/St. Pete (where I lived) always had the old ass snowbirds who didn’t know where the hell they were going. I learned to swerve around any car with a Quebec, New Brunswick, Ohio, or Wisconsin plates with the quickness. Plus you had all the speed demons and the retirees that lived there. There was the story about the 90-something year old man who didn’t realize he hit a pedestrian who wound up stuck in the front windshield until the guy at the tollbooth told him.

Orlando was awful because of it’s 7-day rush hour thanks to the Rat and Universal and the people that love them. They didn’t nickname I-4 “Die-4” for nothing.

And Miami? I almost got hit by some asshole who wanted to cut me off in the HOV lane and damn near flew off the viaduct at the Golden Glades interchange. Nuff said.

5 04 2008
brran1

Hmm. I agree that traffic in the DMV is horrible. But there are two far worse places for traffic. Chicago and NYC. A few years back, me and ma dukes were headed to Connecticut for my neice’s HS graduation. We got thru the Jersey Turnpike with no problem but as soon as we got to the GWB, traffic was at a virtual standstill. I thought, “Maybe the toll plaza is jacked up or something” After 30 minutes of sitting in traffic while enjoying the sights of Fort Lee and the I-95/I-80 interchange, we got thru the toll booth and guess what? TRAFFIC WAS BACKED UP on the other side of the toll booth. Needless to say, it ended up taking us an additional 3 hours (The trip should have taken 70 mins. max) to get across the bridge, thru Manhattan and The Bronx and into Bridgeport. SMH

And then on the trip back home, at 9pm traffic on The Cross Bronx was at a virtual stand still (as usual). An 18 Wheeler saw it after he got onto the on ramp for I-95. He put it in reverse, and BACKED DOWN THE ON RAMP and made his way onto the Major Deegan.

Living in Chicago for 3 years, this is the only place where I’ve seen people seem to say “oh yea, there is my exit”, and then proceed to cut across 6 LANES of traffic going 70 mph in their ’86 Olds Cutlass Supreme on the Dan Ryan Expressway b/c they forgot to get over sooner…

5 04 2008
bluedoll

Um, if its raining, turn your lights on. That’s the law in the DMV. Having the wipers on should be common sense, but, well….

and if a cop is trailing you, please find somewhere safe to pull over. You can turn on your hazards as to alert the cop that you are aware he’s following you, and find a safe spot (like the shoulder and not in the flow of traffic) to pull over. If I get pulled over at night, I’m going to the first LIT gas station. My uncle who is a cop told me to do this and to request a female officer.

And get out of the left lane if you are on your cell phone!!!!!

5 04 2008
Lonesome Dreamer

^ Bluedoll, based on what? And aren’t you going to get more in trouble by forcing the cop to follow/chase you till you find a gas station?

5 04 2008
Admiral Furious

In MD, PA, DC and CA it is allowable for an individual to continue to a well lit area during the night time OR a Police Station when being pulled over. This allowance was placed into law after several people were murdered back in the 70s and 80s by others posing as police officers.

5 04 2008
Lonesome Dreamer

^Thanks for clarifying. I guess others should check if their city has that allowance.

5 04 2008
Admiral Furious

True indeed. It makes logical sense to me… but it surprises me not if its disallowed in other states/cities. (shrug)

To point out something on the opposite end of the spectrum… I think that the I-10 between Phoenix (south of the city limits) and Tucson has some of the best traffic I’ve ever encountered (even during Rush Hour). Never before have I had the chance to flow with traffic doing over 100 for a 40 minute time consistently.

6 04 2008
Mixedspice

Cola: Oh HELL Yeah! I used to live in ATL and the commute would kill!!! I moved out of ATL for that reason alone. Atlanta officially has the worst commute in the nation and the mess isn’t going to get better anytime soon.

I live in Florida now and I even though I know that the traffic is better I still spend my first 10 minutes wondering who is going to piss me off first. The damn snowbirds are killers! People either drove too fast or too slow. Add confused tourists who don’t know where the hell they’re going, and you have a recipe for disaster! I just heard the story about the 90-something year old man who didn’t realize he hit a pedestrian who wound up stuck in the front windshield until the guy at the tollbooth told him.

ATL traffic is no joke…

6 04 2008
zoso

@Lolo: I completely agree with the flags.

Since I live in the south, I get the best kind: confederate flags. Typically anyone with an American flag or two will do exactly as you described, but those with confederate flags like to take it to the next level. These assmonkeys can always be found put-putting OR demon-speeding down the Turnpike between Ocala (no comment) and Orlando (Land of Mouse), in the largest, ugliest, side panel forest/wolf scene painted, confederate flag rear window decal-ed, rusted, busted pick up truck (of the monster truck caliber). For these dillweeds, it is imperative to be ‘King of the Road’, in order to make of for the fact their grandpaps lost the war. So, not only will they refuse to leave the left lane, but, as if blocking all lines of sight with their mud-mobile weren’t enough, these asscracks will either a) pace the turtled-snowbird on the right, or b) wait until you’ve lost all patience and as you attempt to pass on the right, swerve into the right lane in hopes that their front bumper ends up in your windshield. In the event that you in your two-doored, j-body type vehicle decide to cruise from Gainesville to Tampa, consider yourself truly favored if on the two-lane stretch of I75, you just happen to have Jimbo in his monster truck immediately in front of you and a big-rig rolling 18 wheels, immediately to the right of you. At that point, you’ve truly reached nirvana.

6 04 2008
thebusinesswoman

@ Admiral furious

Thanks for the shout out, we do (LA) hold the crown for stupidest fuckin traffic in life and thats why we are so car thirsty because anything you spend that much time in (your damn car) should be some shit that you really enjoy. Traffic in a Range Rover is much better than traffic in a Ford Focus you dig.

But something Chris didn’t mention, because it is an extremely epidemic problem down here, is the fuckin UNINSURED, UNLICENSED, MEXICAN drivers big smashin on the freeway, 14 passengers deep in a 1907 nissan or a no name pickup truck with more dents (from hit and run accidents albeit) than truck.

I remember, last year, there was an immigration rally where all the mexi’s didn’t go to work (EEK! no oranges to buy as you exit the freeway! No lawns were mowed either! No fast food cashiers that give you extra money back cause they dont speaka any math! Double EEK!) and they assembled in parks to yell at the news about how they were illegal citizens (or some dumb shit) and there was ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY no traffic that day. I got home in 10 minutes, what usually takes me 30-45 mins. Out of control. Tis a fond memory that day, sniff sniff, I shall never forget. Nevahhhh (like captain hook)!

Alas, the LA traffic enigma. REVEALED

6 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“…14 passengers deep in a 1907 nissan…”

Extra extra extra funny.

6 04 2008
thebusinesswoman

trying to be like mike (you) is all

*batting my eyelashes*

7 04 2008
Admiral Furious

@ Thebusinesswoman….

True indeed… I’m sure sitting in a vehicle that is built to only last approximately 35K miles in reliable comfort is much better than sitting in a Ford Fuckus and I do not argue with that one bit. However, I think the shitty focus will be passing by the gas stations more times than a Range Rover… but if you have the cash to roll like that… frequent visits to the pump shouldn’t hurt… or make one complain. Nor should the maintenance bills when the crappy Ford Variant V8s blow up in the Range. Thats why I said… fuck a car… give me a tank or a helicopter. 🙂

However, this brings me to yet another peeve of mine regarding So-Cal… the people who buy/lease vehicles outside of their ability to afford. Could someone please shed some light on why so many people in so-cal who make 35K will lease a 36K entry level Mercedes C-Class? Why? What kills me more is the fact that those same people complain about not being able to afford food (and therefore bum shit from other people) or afford to pay their “light” bill. And no…. this doesn’t just apply to the FEW blacks that are out there… this applies to EVERYONE. IT makes NO sense to me whatsoever.

The no insurance problem is HUGE out there.

7 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Let me stop picking all the way on LA and its surrounding areas… Marina Del Rey and downtown Long Beach are very nice. And at midnight… the drive to Vegas is easier than pie on any night.

7 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Soo true! When I was living in Jax Florida I swear I wanted to shoot everyone on the road. When I first moved there driving around wasn’t all that bad until I hit the highway where ppl would drive like they had their heads cut off or running from the cops! And I never understood why until I want to the DMV. I had to re-take the driving exam. The whole test consisted of shit that a 10 yr old could do, including: Parking in a straight space, pulling up to a curb, using your turn signals(which btw in the state of florida they arent mandatory) and some other simple shit that didnt include paralle parking. Thats when I realized Florida’s shit is all fucked up in the head. Now to MD and DC OMGGGGGGGG…Like I have serious road rage!!!! PPl cant drive for shit on the beltway. Like when traffic is at a nice flow you always have the dumbass that puts his foot on the break instead of coasting around the bends. Oye Kill yourself!! I hate the assholes that stop to look at the damn accident! What makes you think I want to look at someones brains scrapped all over the road I wanna get home, be happy that it wasnt your dumbass that was on the cell..KILL YOURSELF!!! I hate ppl that are always on their phones while driving. A few years ago we didnt even have a cell phone and we did just fine. The cell phone is just another way for the US to make money off us. And dont get me started on LA traffic lol.

7 04 2008
Traffic Hater

My favorite post yet. Might I venture into the land of political incorrectness and add Mexicans to the list? Yes I said it!

7 04 2008
thebusinesswoman

@ admiral furious

I personally drive a honda accord, I have had it going on 6 yrs (bought it after highschool and its paid for). The only reason I have not traded up, even though I can afford it, is because I made a pact with myself that I would not be rolling a luxury car until I had a mortgage and/or investment property. It always boggled my mind when I would see fools in fly ass cars but they still sleep in a twin bed at they mom’s crib. Im like huh? In LA it cost alot to live here, and basically you can have a condo/house for almost the same amount of money it takes to rent, so keeping my car (which is so cute) and stacking my dough is allowing me to financially prepare for home/property ownership.

Moreover, the reason so many people lease these Mercedes, is because they can. Did you know that a mercedes lease is barely $200 a month if you have good credit? Trust me, in a moment of weakness, where I was about to seek an expensive pick me up, I researched it. Therefore, most of these people with them, probably don’t make alot, but they have good ass credit and a seriously, a $200 car note aint shit. So that’s my rationale.

Besides, it aint tricking if you got it

7 04 2008
Cooper

I don’t remember laughing as hard as I did when I read the section about “soccer moms.” I LOVE this blog.

http://bestparentever.com

8 04 2008
Admiral Furious

Fair enough businesswoman. I like your rationale surrounding keeping your vehicle and I most certainly respect it.

I suppose my problem with the whole leasing a Mercedes for $200 a month is… these people can barely afford a $200 dollar car note… so why live outside of your means? Yes, I could certainly afford a lease on a C class Mercedes. Shoot I could even lease a CLS550 if I wanted to… but I’m not going to do it because its not economically feasible. That was one of the biggest problems I had with the So-Cal area, because the general attitude was… “you don’t really need to eat. Be a baller, get a Benz.” I’m sure if the city wasn’t filled with a bunch of people fronting like they were something they will never be, LA would be a better place. (shrug)

Kudos on your quest for home ownership and best of luck to you. Those LA prices (especially in Burbank) were too steep for me.

8 04 2008
Uhura

Chris, this post was very true and very funny but you neglected to mention cell phone drivers…

I commute via a vanpool to my office.

The regular vanpool driver asked me to drive so he could take the day off from work. So…there I was… driving a van full of people when someone in a small, red sports car veered directly into our path.

Yes…This person actually crossed the double line and ended up driving into oncoming traffic because they were DIALING THEIR CELLPHONE.

I hit the brakes as hard as I could.

Thank heavens – at the last minute the person looked up and stopped as well….inches away from the front of the van. Then they simply sped away.

Very annoying:
missing your turn at long traffic lights due to cell phone drivers

Very annoying:
HIspanic people who can only drive half the speed limit

8 04 2008
Admiral Furious

You know what dammit… I need to add a group of people to this list that I completely neglected earlier. Jewish people on the North Western Edge of Baltimore. Never in my life have I ever seen such a Automobilous Incapablous Massive in my friggin life. I one hundred percent fear visiting my aunt who lives among these torrid drivers… and almost every instance that I find myself venturing near her house, I either witness an accident or witness at least three near accidents. If anyone remembers, several months ago, a family was killed when they failed to stop at a red light and yield right of way to a fire engine… (shaking head).

I’ll never forget when a woman was driving one of those huge Econoline vans that Ford Makes (go figure… second time I’ve written about these shit mobiles in this post) under the speedlimit along Reisterstown Road before pulling into the turn lane at a light. I was in the lane directly next to the van… with the intent on going straight. WELL… guess what. The green arrow came up… and the woman sat there staring at it as if she was a deer and it was the headlights of an oncoming car. I counted a good 5 seconds before someone behind her finally tooted their horn in utter frustration. BTW… this is during rush hour. The woman began to creep away from the stop line… SLOWER THAN ANY OLD PERSON I’VE EVER SEEN! BY THE TIME SHE was in the middle of the intersection, the light had gone from green to yellow to red. NOW in baltimore city, there are no delays on the traffic lights, so as soon as the yellow arrow disappeared, opposing traffic could start flowing. WELL, the idiot that was behind the van attempted to try and make the turn… WHILE the traffic was coming toward him. He was on a cell phone, he had three children in the car. How do I know? He decided to swerve into my friggin lane after his life flashed before him as a bus was barrelling down on him in the left lane. He came within inches of taking off the front left quarter panel of my vehicle and of course… I was ready to go BIGFOOT/GRAVEDIGGER on him. The sight of the children subdued me from even giving him any offensive hand gestures.

My cousin… the same aunt’s son… experienced a similar situation… with far more detrimental results. He was in the incoming traffic when the same thing happened. This time the person did not abort their turn and they were driving a Ford Expedition. My cousin was in the hospital for 3 days because the driver not only hit the quarter panel of his TL, but also the driver side door. Needless to say that TL Type S is a total loss.

This brings me to my next point… the area in which all of these accidents occur has nearly 60% lower insurance rates than 2 miles down the road, where there are less accidents. The prime difference between the two areas are one is Jewish, the other is black. Someone explain this please?

8 04 2008
Admiral Furious

I friggin hate traffic. Dammit… three days later still hating.

10 04 2008
Amazetbm

After reading the traffic section, I’m inclined the guess that you might live in teh Atlanta Metro area. Because I run into every moron, in you list, on a daily basis.

16 04 2008
Ms. Kristine

Forget a highway traffic! The worst is the main city street ones!!! OML!!! When the Sox, Bruins, and/or Celtics play here, the city is on LOCK-DOWN!!! Traffic to left, right, front and back of you!! And that is when it is every man, woman and child for themselves! Just buckle up and pray you get to the highway without having a complete breakdown! PRAY!

16 04 2008
Merri Lee

Why we shouldn’t out source civil-engineering projects. We don’t know what kind of hell folks could come over and create for us.

1 05 2008
10 06 2008
Gas Prices « Stuff Black People Hate

[…] air and sitting on the train or bus reading and/or working while some other shmuck deals with the roads scholars, soccer moms, old people, young people, asian people, and stalematers that would otherwise be driving you […]

28 11 2008
chris m

It’s easier to stereotype than to just accept the fact that some people will never change their driving habits. If someone pisses you off, don’t let it bother you, you don’t know them who fucking cares. The last thing anyone needs to do is get irate while moving a 7000 pound piece of metal down the highway at 70 mph. People who drive like idiots usually don’t follow the laws, it would piss them off even more to just give three seconds between vehicles and do the speed limit. Besides nobody is perfect, and no body can really say that they have never broken the law. I can agree with you on the fact that some of the older drivers shouldn’t be behind the wheel. Some of the shit they pull can be down right stupid and dangerous.

10 06 2009
Anomie Strain

The merge lane does NOT have the right of way. Florida law states to merge if and only if there is enough room to safely merge. Many mergers are caucasions and hispanics that think they are entitled to the entire road without any consequences to anyone, so they merge INTO the traffic as opposed to merging onto a lane. Those drivers should have their licenses revoked.

31 08 2009
Gabriel

This doesn’t directly relate to traffic (as the highway was nearly empty), but does touch on old drivers.

I was heading through Appomattox one time, just pulled onto the highway right behind a semi. 4 lane highway, two lanes in each direction with a broad median. Speed limit of 45 just ended, 65 just begun. I’m going to pull around this guy as we’re passing by a strip mall. The strip mall’s on the right and there’s pretty much nothing else. Big-ass parking lot for about 3 acres, and then a little access road that’s a right-turn off the highway at the end of it, and then on the other side, the far side of that little access road, a gas station. Aside from those three features, it’s pretty much open countryside.

So I go to pull around the semi, accelerate, check blind spots, put my turn signal on, pull smoothly into the left lane, and I find myself about 100 feet from a head-on collision with a stopped car. Seems that grampa had driven out of the gas station headed east in the westbound two lanes, then pulled to a stop so when the semi passed, he could make a left-hand turn into that little access road between the gas station and the parking lot. He’d somehow mistaken a major highway – which was the only means of accessing the gas station, so he must’ve known what it was 5 minutes ago – for two parallel two-lane roads.

I totally agree with you. There are times when you can’t help but admire the sheer chrome-plated balls that someone’s gotta have taking to the road when they’re pretty much an incarnation of Mr. Magoo.

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