God created rain to tell black women they shouldn’t straighten their hair.
Figure 1: “Hi! I’m a moron!”
You’ll notice that black women who wear their hair naturally don’t seem to worry all that much about what water (the most abundant…thing…on the planet) will do to their hair, and this is what makes these girls fucking awesome. Many women who straighten their hair, however, are an intolerable burlap sack of boring because they can’t do shit since it might fuck their hair up. The following is an abbreviated list of fun shit that black women with straightened hair can’t/won’t do because of water:
- Run around in a rain storm
- Go snorkeling, swimming, or scuba diving
- Participate in a wet t-shirt contest
- Go outside on a humid day
- Save your life if you fall off a boat
- Exercise (is there a correlation between this and straight-haired women buying empire waist tops? Decidedly yes.)
- Join the Navy
Our women will go to extraordinary lengths to keep their newly straightened doo in place. They will actually sleep for eight entire hours with their heads propped up on their hands to keep the hair from getting matted on the pillow. Working out at the gym, they will take 5 minute rest periods between sets to keep from sweating. They will bathe instead of showering. They will stay inside the house for days at a time during streaks of humid weather. They become more and more isolated from society, eventually developing cabin fever and mild to severe psychosis. This causes them to club innocent and defenseless baby seals for no goddamn reason.
Figure 2: Hope it’s worth it, you fucking asshole
A woman that’s just come home from the salon is in a very delicate mood. She’s ecstatic that her hair is done and she looks beautiful, but at the same time she’s on the razor’s edge of entering a homicidal rage. If you don’t notice the fact that her straightened hair is now parted on the left side rather than the right, or that she just paid $70 to have it shortened by one damn inch, you are a fucking asshole to her. You play spades with Hitler. You are an inconsiderate keg of certifiable fuck juice and deserve to be drop kicked down a flight of metal stairs.
Men are particularly prone to accidentally setting off the straight-haired woman because, unless you don’t have any hair, we’re perfectly happy no matter what the hair looks like – so we don’t really pay attention. We don’t give a shit if you wear it up or down, or feather your bangs (whatever the hell that means), or put it in a french twist (whatever the hell that means). All we care about is that a.) the hair is there, b.) it’s not a wig, and c.) it’s free of dirt, insects, food, and stank. Save your $150 and buy some friggin’ crotchless thong panties for us to rip off instead. Dammit.
132 innocent and defenseless baby seals we bludgeoned at the hands of crazed salon escapees while you read this article.