Clubbing

31 03 2008

clubscene2.jpg

Figure 1: Ugh…

The clubbing experience is, at its core, a very depressing one. When you arrive at a club you will be presented with an unfathomably vast cornucopia of bullshit that will assail your senses like crashing surf for upwards of four hours. So let’s go together, you and I, on an item by item safari through this social horn of plenty, starting with…

  • The Guest List: To get into a lot of good clubs (at least in DC) you have to be on one of these goddamn lists, and this is the stupidest fucking concept ever because in DC it’s not even hard to get on the list. To get on the stupid goddamn list you either have to a.) know a promoter (or someone who knows them), or b.) print out one of those ridiculous flyers on the club’s website. This sucks for everyone because a.) promoters are usually idiots who simply put the names of their equally idiotic friends on the list, and b.) why the fuck do I need a stupid fucking flyer? If I ever open a club, the ‘door policy’ will consist of me letting in 10 hot chicks for every 1 dude who passes a ‘Dipshit Test’ (which 90% of men will fail MISERABLY). It will also consist of my biggest and strongest bouncer bludgeoning people I deem to be…
  • Corporate Douchebags: This is the jackass that just graduated from college, has a bullshit job, makes $60,000 per year, and thinks he’s King Kong because he just pulled up to the club in a brand new 3-Series BMW.

    jerk.jpg

    Figure 2: Asshole

    This asshole is usually asian, indian, or white. He has a metric ton of gel (or Soul-Glo) in his hair, wears square-toed black Bruno Maglis, and is otherwise covered in crap from Banana Republic or J. Crew. He will brag to chicks about his bullshit job and symbols of ‘wealth’ all night. He will not mention that he lives with roommates, does not own his home, and can’t do his own laundry. You’ll recognize this guy by your sudden and barely controllable urges to punch him in the spine. This is not to be confused with…
  • Athletic Douchebags: this genus of ‘bag’ is usually black, but will occasionally be white or even asian. He will show up to the club wearing a combination of $300 sneakers, clean but very baggy jeans or white ‘designer’ track pants, and some kind of track or track-derived jacket to match the pants worn atop a huge t-shirt/man-dress that contrasts sharply with the jacket (red and white is a popular combo these days).

    athldouche.jpg

    Figure 3: The rare white athletic douchebag

    His hair will be unnaturally wavy, usually as a result of being employed at McDonald’s – where wearing a stocking on your head during the workday is both accepted and encouraged. This asshole will also wear shades even though it’s the middle of the fucking night, and will be covered in shiny faux jewelry worth about as much as a heroin-addict’s piss.

The guest lists and douchebags are horrible, but the pain has only just begun. Once we move closer to the door, we will inevitably encounter…

  • The Douchebitch: I generally discourage calling any woman a bitch, but the person I’m about to describle is a fucking VILE, SNARLING, HOSTILE BITCH in every sense of the phrase.

    hillary.jpg

    Figure 4: Applied douchebitchery

    This is the girl who thinks she’s way more attractive than she actually is, and should therefore be given star treatment like she’s Beyonce fucking Knowles. This girl is equally likely to be a member of any race – douchebitches will be black, white, asian, hispanic, etc. with alarming uniformity. She sneers with contempt at every single person in the venue, will demand a drink at your table, grits ferociously on the girls in the club that are actually pretty, and spends the entire evening railing about how “there ain’t no real ballers up in here” (or whatever the white/asian/indian/hispanic equivalent of this phrase is). This is in spite of the fact this chick is, herself, a complete waste of human life. If she’s lucky enough to be employed, she makes $9 an hour. She knows nothing about current events. She does not read for leisure. She has never exercised in her entire life, notwithstanding the half-crunch she does every morning to get out of bed. She doesn’t know how to cook. She doesn’t even enjoy people. She sucks, but not quite as much as…
  • The Bouncer: a bouncer is a large man whose life is utterly meaningless between Sunday and Thursday.

    bouncer.gif

    Figure 5: Hates his life 5/7 of the time

    But for two glorious nights, this meat popsicle holds the keys to your very soul. He controls your ability to enter the club, and he can ‘bounce’ you out of the club at any time and for virtually any reason. He feels cool because he gets to wear one of those little earpieces like Secret Service agents. If he wants to impress a girl by looking important, he’ll put his finger up to his ear and assume a concerned facial expression so it looks like he’s receiving critical information from a very important person – e.g. “drunk chick vomiting in the third floor bathroom, please respond” from the busboy with questionable immigration status. Once the bouncer lets you in, you’re almost certain to find a bunch of dudes who have reserved…
  • Tables: there are two types of men that reserve tables, and therefore there are two types of tables. One is the ‘Practical Table’. This table is populated by sensible men who realize that it’s cheaper and more convenient to do bottle service than wait for drinks at the bar if your primary aim is to get drunk. You’ll recognize this table by the fact that its occupiers are huddled in a circle, drinking as fast as they can, and ignoring everyone and everything else in the club. I see nothing wrong with this table, probably because usually that’s MY fucking table. But then there’s the other table: the ‘Pompous Table’. This is the table populated by idiotic men who, since they’re sitting at a table behind a velvet rope, think they’re all P. Diddy and that girls should be knocking each other over to leap onto their cocks.

    notdiddy.jpg

    Figure 6: Yet another sad truth…

    You’ll recognize this table by the fact that it’s occupiers are standing nowhere near the table itself, instead opting to hover near the rope with their hands in their pockets, gazing hopelessly at women who are as out of their league as they are uninterested in them, in spite of their stupid fucking table.

So now that we’ve pushed our way through the first six degrees of stupidity, we arrive at the dance floor. Here we will witness a dizzying array of social offenses. Let’s start with…

  • The Sneak Up: every girl has been through this. You’ll be dancing and minding your own business when next thing you know there is a grimey dude behind you thrusting his cock imprint betwixt your butt cheeks. He did not ask to dance with you, and he did not introduce himself.

    freaking.jpg

    Figure 7: But friggin’ Goldilocks here is practically begging for it

    All you can be sure of is two things: a.) he’s probably ugly, because otherwise he wouldn’t have been afraid to approach you head on, and b.) he’s probably socially awkward for the exact same reason. A girl whose been ‘snuck’ will roll her eyes angrily and humor the offender for a minute or so, or try to subtly scuttle off to some other part of the dance floor. That is, unless she’s rescued by one of two forms of cock blocking, the first of which is…
  • Blockery by Mockery: this has been tuned to perfection by black women. This is where a girl’s friends will mock with merciless fervor a guy they deem to be unsatisfactory until he finally runs away with his balls tucked between his legs*. This is a much more confrontational but far less annoying tactic than that preferred by white/asian women, which is…
  • Body Snatching: unlike the mockery method, the Body Snatch tends to be executed for no good fucking reason. Even if the girl is actually interested in you (i.e. you’re making her laugh, and you’re both happy and smiling) – her friends will swoop in like the buzzards they are an relieve you of each other’s company, dragging the girl by the arm away from you even if it’s against her will. The ‘why’ behind women doing this has never been adequately explained to me, so I’m simply going to assume it happens because all women secretly hate each other and want their female friends to be as unhappy as they are.

Let’s not pick on the ladies, though. We gentlemen are also executors of two unacceptable methods of blockery, the first of which is…

  • Blockery by Proximity: this is where a man’s friends refuse to disperse when he’s started dancing with a girl. Instead of scattering to the four winds like they’re supposed to, they hover three feet away from you, immobile as fucking Easter Island statues intimidating the bajeezus out of the poor girl who has no choice to feel like she’s about to get Eiffel Towered in a bathroom somewhere. The girl will inevitably run off, leaving the victim male with no choice but to retaliate later with the second method of blockery…
  • Injection: ever been chatting up a girl when your fucking friend leaps uninvited into the conversation to introduce himself? That’s injection, and it should be a fucking felony. Suddenly you’ve gone from being a cool guy to being the guy with the idiot friend which, by extension, makes you an idiot for having him as a friend. Being victimized by injection creates the rare circumstance where it’s actually OK to kick another man in the nuts.

Alas, the end is drawing nigh. It’s 3:30am, and the final chip falls:

  • The Closing Lights: when all the lights suddenly come on at the end of the night, you realize just how much of a disaster your life is. Somewhere in the room, a tipsy girl realizes she’s been dancing all night with a man who could be legally classified as a dwarf. Elsewhere, a drunken guy comes to the understanding that he just made out with his cousin. People are vomiting everywhere. Mascara and makeup are running down the sweaty faces of women making them look like Sweet Tooth from Twisted Metal.

You survey all the damage around you. The spilled beer, the mixing straws all over the floor, the drunken stragglers squinting against the harshness of the lights, the unfulfilled dreams, the broken promises, the horror of it all…

You feel like Charlie Sheen at the end of ‘Platoon’.

loveplatoon.jpg

Figure 8: Yep.

*I am aware this is where the balls are tucked all the time, but it’s a figure of speech. So gimme a fucking break.

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76 responses

31 03 2008
Dani

I am so glad you did this post, I was just talking to my girl about the club scene and how I have a love/hate relationship with it, I hate it for all the reasons you mentioned, but sometimes you really do wanna dance and drink and have fun (which I know is sometimes limited a the club but eh)…..as for the body snatching form of blockery I have executed this numerous times, but only when my girl has asked me for assistance…what guys don’t realize (and I probably shouldn’t tell) is that women are able to convey to their girls a very subtle scream for help, so most times they have asked for the rescue….but don’t get it twisted some women are haters and will comence blocking as a way to spread the hate…oh and I’m secretely waiting for one of the assholes who wear sunglasses in the club to run into a wall cause they know they can’t see

31 03 2008
hateblkmen

FIGURE 6 = crucial! you are ill. ROTFF

31 03 2008
imaG

Son your killin it too hard with this post, the sneak up is mad classic i used to execute it with the utmost precision its a 50/50 and you reduce the risk of the girl saying NO i dont want to dance, most of the time they dance away or say they gotta use the restroom only to walk ten feet away and begin dancing again.

http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com

31 03 2008
Miss Cocoa Luv

OMG… This post is the best. It hit every reason as to why I HATE going to clubs. And like Dani, I am waiting for the dudes in the shades to go somewhere. They make me sick. That look is not hot. They actually look pretty damn dumb if you ask me. Now, the “Sneak Up” has to be one of my serious pet peeves. I have been a victim too many times with dudes walking up and taking their initiative, WTF?? It makes it worse when Mr. Happy is stimulated. It’s terrible. And lastly Bouncers. They are in fact mad at their existence because they were born to be just that. If there were no clubs, they wouldn’t have jobs. I have arguments with bouncers almost everytime that I go out. It’s definitely a sight to see. All of my 5’6″ going up against Mr. T. Just yuck. Anyway, great post. 🙂

31 03 2008
Uhura

Only losers use the Sneak Up.

31 03 2008
Machete

Gotta agree with Dani, when your girls swoop in to save you it’s usually because you have emitted a silent/subtle cry for rescue.

Arrgghh! absolutely hate the sneak-up… even if I turn around to find a decently attractive male behind me, the sneak up act is just a total turn-off.

Lastly, clubs are fun if you go in to just dance, drink and have fun. This way, when the lights do come on, you are probably an exhausted danced out drunkie who got exactly what they came in for.

31 03 2008
knaturalbeauty

I LOVE one! The sneak up is the worst, and only compounded when committed by an athletic douchbag. And only bammas wear shades in the club.

31 03 2008
Uhura

Putting your hard dick on an unwitting female in a dark room is the act of a scumbag.

31 03 2008
Lisa G

Cosign on Dani and Machete’s explanation behind the seemingly superfluous Body Snatching.

If this is a girls’ night out, the girl getting whisked away may have a boyfriend, and her friends are trying to help her be responsible. So, in this case, it’s nothing personal.

Or, she may have signaled to her friends. This is a nice way of getting away from a dude and not having to look like a bitch and possibly rile up some drama. After a guy you don’t know has thrown his chach at you, the last thing you want to deal with is his unreasonable outrage when you don’t fall into a heap because you have been offered the privilege of being close to his incredible manlinesss.

And even if she did not emit a subtle cry for help, the girlfriends may swoop in anyway, just to pull her aside and ask, “Are you okay? You need our help? No? Yes? What?” Girls swoop first and ask questions later.

Nice post. !

31 03 2008
imaG

Thanks Uhura 😦 But i finished readin this thread and its pure genius…But the body snatch is utter bullshit. Injection – fuckin faggots we call em booty blockers and blocking by proximity, so fuckin gay its like DUDE, gtfo of here now. yo this is the best post on wordpress right now, hands down. if you ever been to the club you gotta relate to this somehow..

http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com

31 03 2008
london

this is the funniest thing i have read today…
your clubs seem to be in a bad state…
what about word of mouth…
start your own club..
it’s the only way…
there are quite a few over here in london..
the only people who know about it are the ones ‘invited’ by e-mail, text.. and lord take me now.. facebook….
in fact – that’s the only good use for facebook these days…
it’s taking the guest list to another level…
like minded people hanging together is insurance of a great night to be had….
you will be providing a service.. and making some schekels on the side..
build it and they will come…

31 03 2008
imnotreallyadiva

oh my gosh – this post is the TRUTH! I just experienced most, if not all, of this on Friday night – including the dudes in the dark sunglasses..I’ve never understood this! But like Dani (first commenter said) sometimes you do just wanna go out and get your dance on…so it’s a catch 22.

31 03 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“And even if she did not emit a subtle cry for help, the girlfriends may swoop in anyway, just to pull her aside and ask, “Are you okay? You need our help? No? Yes? What?” Girls swoop first and ask questions later.”

This is something I’d never considered before, and it certainly makes sense of the times when I’ve been subjected to body snatching only to have the girl hunt me down later on in the night (this has happened in every BS instance but one – where I was drunk, speaking in a surly Irish accent, and kept calling the girl ‘ya fuck ya’. She was admittedly probably sending the distress signal).

Swoop first ask questions last….HA!

31 03 2008
Mr. Smith

“next thing you know there is a grimey dude behind you thrusting his cock imprint betwixt your butt cheeks”

AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! Funniest story. I was in a club this past summer and I met this real cute girl who I was dancing with for a while. I bumped up into her, which could have EASILY have been confused with sneak up, but a polite “Oh excuse me, I’m sorry” squashed it real quick. To my surprise, and obviously to hers since she asked me to stay and dance, she grabbed me and pulled me back. One of her friends a few songs later flew in to attempt a body snatch and this chick actually snatched her arm away! It was impressive to say the least.

31 03 2008
halfsadiddy

absolutely hilarious and on the money

31 03 2008
I Love Fruity Pebbles in a Major Way

Most of the above replies are further proof that no regular guy with aspirations to pull a quality woman should look to the club as a resource. There’s quality women there – they just want nothing to do with you…there.

31 03 2008
The Broken Forum

The lights on at the end is always the best part of going to a club, any club for that matter. Dark clubs and overpriced liquor make for nasty bedfellows.

31 03 2008
benjie

lmao

this is the greatest explanation of club life so far.

my girlfriends and i have a safe word
that and the “come get me, i’m scared” facial expression always works

31 03 2008
Ron Mwangaguhunga

ALL people hate bouncers …

31 03 2008
Raina

You have summed up what it means to club especially in DC. But atleast on that side of the beltway men are a lil less aggressive than they are in Baltimore. That and the clubs are obviously nicer in general.

31 03 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

I would first like to state that this, by far, is quite possibly the greatest blog post I’ve read on this site, and is also possibly the greatest blog post since Al Gore created teh intarwebbz.

Everything that you’ve said here is 100.6%* spot on, without a doubt truth. I remember in my younger days looking at the guys hovering by the velvet rope, thinking that they looked like pirates or sailors gazing out over the horizon, desperately looking for land while lost at sea.

On top of this, the best thing is the last figure, with “Love” at the top. I’ll never understand why, but Love is in my humble opinion one of the worst clubs in America, let alone the world. If you want to see $5.25 an hour at it’s finest, head to Love. What’s even worse, you’ll be there to have a good time with friends, plenty of money to buy drinks and such due to being gainfully employed with a SALARY and not an hourly wage, and you’ll be trumped by the circus clown posted on the wall with his posse wearing the quintuple-XL t-shirt, stainless steel chain with a polished stainless-steel pendant resembling rhinestones, the “A|X” shades he bought from the 3 for $20 stand at Springfield Mall, and the $375 Ebay imported Air Force Ones that were made in Hong Kong and marked up for their application of fake-ass Gucci print.

Now that I’m done with that…I smell a blog coming that’s only specifically about Love…damn! Where’s Adams Morgan, I wanna get drunk on the cheap!

31 03 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

After forgetting that I starred the 100.6%, I shall correct myself:

*I wholeheartedly understand that this is blatant theft of The Author’s use of the star footnote, and I also wholeheartedly understand that 100.6% > 100%, therefore is not a real percentage. The .6 is for emphasis – Greatest Blog Ever.

31 03 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

Oh and Sir, the Injection cock-block? Definitely a felony. Punishable by 25 to Life or Death, if you ask me!

31 03 2008
letinstar

i have personally been a victim of the sneak up. this is part of the reason i keep me and my butt home…

btw..this is funny stuff and so true…

31 03 2008
Mrs. Kennedy

Great post!
As the frequent recipient of Dani’s calls for help, I often enjoy watching her dodge the unwanted advances of some drunken would-be suitor in sun glasses. Since I’m married, I have to live vicariously through her since I only get clandestine, married holler, so I usually ignore the distress signal for my own amusement. . .
I’m kinda mad she gave away our secrets though. Soon she’ll be telling you about what wwe talk about in the bathroom. . .

31 03 2008
shabooty

a) that wuz mad funny
b) it should be /better/ noted this is specific to the DC club scene… throw a dart at a map, and go to the nearest metropolitan region, and its club scene’s probably better.

31 03 2008
knaturalbeauty

All DC clubs suck 😦
Ibiza, H20, Love, and so on. But Love is THE WORST. I prefer going to clubs that feature Caribbean nights, like Zanzibar or places along/around U st. One rarely encounters certain offenders like the Sneak Up (surprisingly), the corporate db (corporate folks and doctors are there, they’re just not douchebags), or athletic db. One drawback is that 8-out-of-10 people attended Howard, arrgh. If you like Reggae, Soca, and Hip-Hop, try one of these places in DC.

31 03 2008
Mr. Smith

Oh, I forgot about eventual wife-beater guy. The dude that could be a chameleon of any of the creepers above, but with enough drinks or if that $30 printed button up gets too sweaty, he’ll show his true colors. He’s most notable for his advanced sneak up technique. He’ll be nowhere in sight, even if your girls are keeping watch in front of you. In the blink of an eye, there he is…. “behind you thrusting his cock imprint betwixt your butt cheeks”

1 04 2008
Birah

My girls and I go to dance and drink at gay clubs. Steady music, strong drinks, hot, shirtless guys to look at while we dance.

I don’t want to meet dudes at clubs, anyway, so we’re missing out on nothing.

1 04 2008
notorious t.a.m.

I’ve been lurking for a little while now, but this post has compelled me to comment. This is SOOO on point, and especially since I go to school in the DMV urrea, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I HATE HATE HATE Love with every ounce of my being. It’s too damn crowded and people always want to be all up on you. And speaking of VIP, I hate the people in the faux VIP sections of Love; the lil roped of sections on the side, trying to stunt. I want throw rotten tomatoes at them.

YES for this post!

1 04 2008
voodoobooty

oh lawwwwwwwwwwwwwwd

where do i begin? I already feel like I can’t relate to 90% of humanity, so the club is my ultimate nightmare . . .
1. all this bad grinding/simulated sex people call dancing
2. the boom-kat people who really choreograph all of their moves
3. broke-ass producers/models/promoter/singers on their sidekicks pretending to be important
4. all the cheap-looking 80’s stripper outfits from Fordham Road
5. the music is awful
6. dudes that don’t get the hint, and yo ass is showing fool!
7. dudes with arched eyebrows and tighter jeans than mine
8. girls screaming woo-hoo – especially white ones. they ain’t scared to come dance with the us

I’m with Birah, in NY a good gay club is always the move, good music and I can get my life!

1 04 2008
brran1

Definitely a good post Chris. Here are somethings that irk the hell outta me

The fool that spills their drink on you and then cops an attitude with you
The 400 lb. chick wearing that “freak-um” dress. More like “make me gag-um” dress.
The Pseudo-ballers that come in with a “stack” of bills attempting to buy the bar. Nigga please. It’s Friday. We all know you cashed your paycheck to attempt to floss tonight. You’re not fooling anyone.

1 04 2008
1 04 2008
maya

i am officially in tears with a stomach ache because i can’t stop laughing. i feel compelled to speak on this!

foreign and unsolicited peen against the lower back (i’m short) in the most vile sensation EVER. i especially hate when heavy-handed ass niggas wanna rest their heavy-ass oak tree arms on your shoulder, as currents of miscellaneous moisture seep into your blouse. nigga do i know you??? i am NOT that drunk. please step lively, kind sir; i have no interest in taking you or your musk home with me.

i also hate the abundance of yaki & indian remy hair that can be seen floating around the club on the head of black women, as sorry impersonations of what scalp-grown hair looks like. ESPECIALLY when it’s from the “italian/spanish wavy” pack or in color no. 33. BITCH stop lying to the people – matter fact, stop lying to yourself. we aren’t fooled.

1 04 2008
The Devil

DUDE!! I have squarish-toe Bruno Magli’s dammit!

Anyway, some science:
Odds of meeting a complete jackass in a club: 100%
Odds of meeting a chick with more problems than you can handle in a club: 100%
Odds of catching HIV in a DC club: 2%
Odds of meeting your soul-mate in a DC club: 0.000000001%

– The Devil

1 04 2008
lisaturtle

Okay, this post was great and as a full-time club fiend I have to say this is all basically true. LoL.

On the sneak-up: I kind of don’t mind it… KIND OF. There’s a right and wrong way. Some dudes kind of ease behind you as if testing the waters and that’s the best way to do it if you’re going to do it. I’ll usually dance with whoever and then I look my girl in the eyes and she gives me a yay or nay. Either way I do the twirl around to see his face, twirl back around and give her either the “save me” or the “fuck yeah.”

On bouncers: I never hate bouncers unless I’m at the club with guys. Bouncers hate on men, hard. So it makes my wait in the cold even longer. Then there’s the touchy feely, “How you doing sweetheart?” bouncer. Ugh.

On guestlists: Part of the reason why I hate to club in DC.

Rant on DC Clubs: Like everyone else, I emphatically hate Love. It’s always crowded. There’s always people I sort of know there from high school that are like 3 years behind me. It’s too expensive. I think clubbing in DC is too expensive in general. I mean, it’s less now because I’m 21 but still… And someone said men in DC tend to be less aggressive than in Baltimore. I have to disagree… Everytime I’m in DC some Biggie Smalls type think he has the right to put his hands all over my ass. He’s not even trying to dance with me… He just thinks he’s supposed to follow me around the club and cop feels. I don’t understand it. Then there’s all the pushy Nigerians… AHHHH!

Great post!

1 04 2008
Miss Ray

I love this blog and the comments. LOL. That is all.

1 04 2008
Uhura

This post IS hilarious, and the absolute truth and – yes- it is pure genious; however, it doesn’t chage the fact that only a desperate loser ass scumbag would sneak up behind a female and put his erect penis on her.

1 04 2008
Uhura

It’s been awhile since I have been clubbing; I have been married for 8 years now….It seems that things have not changed one iota.

A few queries:

-What is the deal with the pushy African guys? I cannot tell you how many of them offered to buy me a car….One guy thought it was really important for me to know that he owned his own business and had several employees.

-I still can’t figure out what it was about me that made me so appealing to the bouncers. I am almost afraid to ask, but is there a certain type of female that bouncers are into?

1 04 2008
bluedoll

Random penis in your back (I’m short too) is not sexy. That is the quickest way to get you crossed off the list for me. You dont know me, so dont touch me and don’t act like you are all hard and isht when I get an attitude and tell you to get your hands and your little dick off of me. And if we are dancing, that does NOT give you the right to attempt to touch the girls or the booty. That gets you crossed off the list as well.

I don’t do clubs anymore for that very reason. (And they are too freaking expensive)

1 04 2008
Machete

I don’t think I’ve spent more than $20 at any of the clubs in DC in ages! Maybe it’s because I am a lightweight and one long-island does me in.

1 04 2008
benjie

lmao @ maya

ESPECIALLY when it’s from the “italian/spanish wavy” pack or in color no. 33.

don’t forget the wet n wavy, and those random wig caps that try to look like beyonce in the naughty girl video.

1 04 2008
Sister Toldja

Classic! The story of my life in DC from 2005-Summer 2007! I hated Love, but damned if I wasn’t there almost every Friday in some painful shoes and and my freakum wig (or freshly twisted locs). I can’t even begin to permeate the NYC club scene, I don’t have the heart!

1 04 2008
Cola

Question… When did guys decided it was ok to do the “sneak up”? I don’t care how good looking you are! That move is not ok! I don’t want an unknown dick grinding on me! Eww!

1 04 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

“The Pseudo-ballers that come in with a “stack” of bills attempting to buy the bar. Nigga please. It’s Friday. We all know you cashed your paycheck to attempt to floss tonight. You’re not fooling anyone.”

Hahaha…this reminds me of a time I was sitting at a bar, enjoying glasses of The Glenlivet (a magnificent scotch) and Cointreau. Some 20-something white guys with their “we’re hot” girlfriends (I guess flat booties and A cups are hot) decided that they would have a few drinks of Grand Marnier. After a couple, they decided to be “ballers” and purchase the remaining bottle off of the bar, sneering at me with my pitiful Glenlivet (look it up).

Had they have been smarter, they would have went to their nearest liquor store and bought a bottle of Grand Marnier for $34.95 instead of spending $120 to buy a 3/5 drank bottle from the bartender. I continued to enjoy my Glenlivet.

1 04 2008
Angry ver. 3.2 (Beta)

For those that would like to know, please educate yourselves!

The Glenlivet

As Dave Chappelle said in one of his hilarious clips: “I only sips the finests!”

2 04 2008
brownngirl

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

Man, this was HI-freakin’-LARIOUS. I’ve been a lurker for a while, but I just had to comment on this one. Funny stuff, and the TRUTH. Mos Def. =)

2 04 2008
Anmarie

Oh my gosh I just read this, right freakin funny. Chris you have made this work stressed woman hurt my stomach laughing. Good Job.

Ladies trick I learned: If you make eyes with a man grab him up (they like that), glide him slightly away from your friends and his (easy though gotta be slick about it), and dance, you avoid the sneak up* and the blockers (holla!).

Tip 2: If dude notices you first, and you think he’s like rain drops on a kitten’s nose then you just smile at him that way your girls know they don’t need to protect you (better not mess up your flow). If they don’t know get new friends you’re rolling with haters.

*To avoid the sneak up you can also place your back about 8 inches away from a couple that probably hasn’t been out in a while and they’re going for broke dancing on the floor with elbows flailing and booties bumping. He might not want to risk taking a bow to the throat or a butt to the groin.

2 04 2008
d teezy

This shit gets better and better every time. hahaha!

2 04 2008
oci23

it’s not even fair how funny this shit was.

3 04 2008
Mrs. Moxie

This is by far some the funniest and most truthful ish that I have read.

Sadly, the funky club scene is not limited to the DC area. Butt cheek invaders, pseudo-ballers and hate-injected females have reached epidemic proportions. I have seen them all over the east coast. They are everywhere from the big city clubs to the dirt road juke joints. Epidemic I tell you.

3 04 2008
Mr. Smith

@ Anmarie,

Good advice for the ladies! Actually a point I noticed a few times when things actually went smoothly too and the girl led me away from her wolf pack and any of my boys in the general area : )

For me though, I usually roll in the club with 1-2 friends and try to find girls who are there in 1-2 packs as well. I found that the more people you roll with (well going after the girls anyway) the greater chance there is for a hater to be amongst the group. Ladies, please leave the single, “bitter about her cheatin’ ex” friend at home

3 04 2008
lisaturtle

LoL @ Mr. Smith. Please do not sleep on the single, “bitter about her cheatin’ ex” friend. This is usually how my friends and I find ourselves back in the club scene. Looking to wild out and possibly rebound! Bitter does not always manifest itself in evilness!

3 04 2008
Imsoalmondie

Amazing. LOL! Im sitting here at work cracking up I cant stop! U hit the clubbin scene to a T Im tellin u. LOL. Sadly I am not as nice to The Sneak Up as you have seen other females be… as soon as I feel the brush of someone else behind me… the jiggin stops and I stand up straight like a soldier in the army. That usually fades them away. But very funny.

3 04 2008
tiffany

This also applies to the ATL club scene, except that here the Corporate Douchebags can also be black. At some clubs, Corporate Douchebags are almost exclusively black.

In fact, in Atlanta, we don’t really have Athletic Douchebags. Most clubs have pretty strict dress codes. Instead we have the Athletic Douchebag’s dressed-up cousin, the Faux Pimp Douchebag. How to spot him? He’s usually wearing the same shades + tacky fake jewelry. But his shoes are gators and/or Stacy Adams. And he’s probably wearing a cream, beige, gray or navy suit. In the summer months, the suit is probably made of linen.

3 04 2008
Mrs.Epps

Damn yet another blog that is on point! I hate it when dudes just jump up behind you when your dancing with your friends and having a good time and next thing you know theres a hard ass dick hitting your ass! Sometimes I just want to slap someone! But Im classy so I simply turn around and as you said “always ugly” pfft..and give them a look and scoot towards my friend I was dancing with and he walks away. And damn dude THE ATHELETIC DOUCHEBAG!! so many in DC its so sad. Now I just go the lounges and the bar with my fiancee. F the club. They never have any place to sit down anyways unless your in VIP! Grrr

6 04 2008
DJStylus

See Little Brother’s “Getback”, track 5.

8 04 2008
The Chicken « Stuff Black People Hate

[…] was at a club called The Park with a Vietnamese friend of mine who I call “Chicken Jon”. He earned […]

14 04 2008
klysha

This was so hilarious! My sentiments exactly! Cosign on the posters who mentioned how your girls swoop in first then ask questions later and how we girls do the silent cry for help face….LMAO. And oh my goodness the dudes with the shades are ridiculous. I made it a policy years ago to never talk to a dude wearing shades in the dark (had a bad drunken experience with that once). There is no reason to wear shades in a club except 1) to hide part of your face to disguise the fact that you’re ugly 2) you’re a complete bamma who actually thinks that makes you look cool. I think this post covered pretty much all of the reasons I stopped going clubbing several years ago.

26 04 2008
GuessWho

Lol!!!! I am laughing so hard. Hilarious post with so much truth being said. You think the whole guest list thing in DC is ridiculous??….try LA… worse over there. Even wack clubs will hold up the line for no f**king reason and the bouncers over there feel like GODS. It was just quite funny to watch the way they treated some people…

Can’t believe you called bouncers meat popsicles…lollll
Thats just one of the references that had me rolling here.

I enjoyed this post!!

1 05 2008
13 05 2008
Nitpicker1881

Uhm…. you DO know that’s not a picture of Charlie Sheen, right?

13 05 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Uhm…. you DO know that’s not a picture of Charlie Sheen, right?”

Yes, tool.

20 05 2008
Alcohol « Stuff Black People Hate

[…] Sooner or later the pregaming will stop and you’ll wind up at a bar or some godforsaken club… […]

21 05 2008
ph2072

Fucking hilarious.

22 06 2008
4m_no_2_dc

when i go to love, i feel like this all the time… that only thing you forgot to mention was groupies that stand on stage and lokk at everyone else- ALL NIGHT. they don’t dance, they don’t smile… they just…STARE! At the most they’ll just sit there and akwardly stare are sing the songs the dj plays…with no emotion on their face. Bitch, why you brought that thristy ass out here tonight? why are you even on stage? Cause you heard that someone famous was gonna be here???… sit that ass down.

I also hate when men do the sneak up but they don’t grind on you-NO. they THRUST like they are dry humping in the 6th grade… this is not “catch-catch get-a-lil-bit”!!!!!!! there is no reconciling the sneak up with a thrust.

6 07 2008
Rachel

I have not clubbed since 2001. Stopped when I got married (I was 21 yrs old). I used always go with my slutty white friend. But this post brings up lots of ….

11 07 2008
Lancism :: Wisdom to Create a Beautiful World» Blog Archive » The Clubbing Trap

[…] Further reading: Interesting post by Chris on what irritates him about clubbing […]

8 08 2008
nicesitess

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29 10 2008
Bob

Wow, you sure don’t like other races. Wonder what that makes you. . .

30 10 2008
nelowafer

Bob,

People like you another reason why the Western world is a shitty civilization. You don’t know the difference between being a racist and being hilarious and brutally honest. 🙂

15 11 2008
babyd0ll

Hahaha. I like the run down. I am THAT girl who body snatches the hell out of the girl you just snuck up on, and my friends always thank me for it 🙂

27 11 2008
lieweeflany

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30 12 2008
Pat D

totally ingenious! LMAO

3 01 2009
sten

Niggers Suck!

2 02 2009
Thanks for saving me the time « AutoKinesis

[…] how come nobody told me this was the best blog ever? ? Edit 2: How come spell check on my blog doesn’t recognize “blog” as a word? […]

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