Black people hate Europe because yuppie white people claim to love it so much, yet they refuse to live there instead of fucking up our neighborhoods.
Figure 1: Just fucking move there already. I’ll help you pack!
What the hell is the deal with hipster white dudes and fucking goddamn Europe? I’ve heard them praise everything from the ‘ancientness’ of the cities, to better social programs and government, less crime, more attractive women and more charming men, and (my personal favorite) the ‘culture’.
This last one cracks me up because of the irony of it all. There’s nothing funnier than a white dude of mixed Anglo-Russian descent traveling to Prague to reconnect with his ‘roots’. This is almost as funny as black dudes in the US reconnecting with the past by visiting Ethiopia* even though their slave ancestors came from the Ivory Coast.
I suppose black folks are biased. For white people, Europe conjures up images of centuries old churches, tapas on open plazas, cobblestone streets, pristine evergreen forests, boutique wines, and quaint old villages. For me it conjures up images of this, this, this, this, this, and especially this. White people may pretend otherwise, but deep down they know Europe SUCKS, and that’s why they won’t live there. Europe sucks so fucking hard they’d rather live smack in the middle of American ghettos than in Lisbon**.
Figure 2: Me telling Portugal where we stand
Here are some of the things that suck, with teeth and dry tongue, about various European countries:
- Spain: pickpockets, pickpockets, and more pickpockets.
- France: Socialism. Ew.
- England: bad teeth, bad food, and the constant threat of rain. And Hugh Grant
- Czech Republic: they will throw you out a window, and they will not give a fuck
- Portugal: a country full of dudes whining about their lost empire
- Italy: the mob is their fault
- Germany: Too easy.
- Netherlands: for some reason, the Dutch have declared war on Islam
Europe does have one thing going for it though – they know exactly how to treat their children:
Figure 3: Child-rearing in Madrid