Titanic

25 03 2008

One of the few people you’ll meet who will actually admit to enjoying most of the movie ‘Titanic’…is me. Despite Leo DiCaprio’s boyishly girly face shitting up the screen for three fucking hours and a plot meant to give men false romantic hope*, there was plenty to enjoy about this movie:

  • Rich white people treating poor white people the same way poor white people treated all black people
  • Unnecessary high-stakes gambling
  • Leo’s Italian buddy getting crushed by a smokestack the size of a townhouse
  • The rich dude flipping out, then chasing Leo and Kate around the sinking ship trying to shoot them
  • Car sex
  • Boobies
  • Theft (if you think about it, Leo basically spends the entire movie stealing shit [women, hats, coats, food, tickets, etc.])
  • Mayhem involving lifeboats
  • Snotty British dudes being constantly punched in the face or told to “SHUT UP!”
  • Drinking contests, arm wrestling, and the constant falling down of drunken Irishmen

Then something happened in Titanic to make me hate the whole movie, and it’s the same thing that nearly made me hate iRobot as well: some chick performed a live-saving but potentially life-ending act with her fucking eyes closed in fear**.

Remember the scene I’m talking about? Little Boy Leo is handcuffed to a pipe below decks, and Rhode Island Red Kate Winslett shows up to free him with an axe. After a couple of awful practice swings, this chick heaves the axe at the chain between Leo’s wrists – a space of about four inches – WITH HER FUCKING EYES CLOSED!

rose.jpg

Figure 1: Do not give this woman an axe

Leo closed his eyes, too. But I’m sure if he’d opened them to see her eyes closed while swinging a goddamn axe at him, the remainder of Titanic would have just consisted of him screaming in hysteric disbelief at Kate as the ship sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.

While I was able to enjoy some of the movie after this, I definitely spent the rest of the movie with that scene sticking in my craw. I sat there fuming about both male and female physical incompetence. Titanic and iRobot unfairly categorize women as being the only ones afraid of heavy weapons, but the truth of the matter is that most city-fied men are just as scared. Let’s face facts people: men are becoming just as uncomfortable and unfamiliar with power tools, weapons, and the general manly act of knowing how to fix shit as women are with the womanly act of knowing how to cook (pasta does NOT count) and make clothing.

Dudes that can’t do simple things (called Fundamentals of Manliness, or FOM) like change a tire, change car oil and filters, start a fire without matches, assemble/disassemble a pistol or rifle, find the North Star, build a house, cook a steak, split wood, fix a bike chain, determine the time of day from the position of the sun, install a dimmer switch, prep a fishing line, get places without detailed directions, or fire up a BBQ pit…all those dudes fucking suck and have gigantic pussy flaps. The only thing more infuriating than the fact that these guys exist is HOW MANY OF THEM EXIST. There are millions of men in cities all over America who are rendered completely useless once you take a computer away from them.

indian.jpg queereye.jpg

Figure 2: Standard of Manliness (l to r): Before Titanic…and after

The pervasive unmanning of men can be blamed entirely on Titanic. Why? Because Titanic duped men into thinking that FOM ignorance is only a female problem, and it kept these men from coming to the realization: “hey, my delicate ass doesn’t know how to swing an axe, either!” Comfortable with their false sense of FOMliness, these same dudes allowed shows like Queer Eye to become popular and further contribute to the decline in FOM. It’s only going to get worse with time.

Titanic is a secret project devised by the French to make American men even girlier than theirs, thus allowing them to successfully invade the United States. James Cameron should be tried and hanged for High Treason.

jamescameron.jpg

Figure 3: Hates America

*Titanic is similar to ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in this respect. Chuck Klosterman accurately pointed out that WHMS served the sole purpose of convincing every idiot guy with a hot female friend that, someday, he could be her man – which is an unmitigated crock of shit. Similarly, Titanic tries to convince idiot guys that chicks will trade their life with a rich douchebag for a life with a financially-poor-but-personality-rich good guy. This is also bullshit. The rich girl will happily have an affair with the poor guy, but she’ll never actually leave the rich guy. This is why rich white women hire pool boys.

**There’s a scene in iRobot where the main female character frees Will Smith from the Vulcan Death Grip of a robot by shooting it with a machine gun…with her eyes closed in fear. The reason I don’t hate iRobot is because, unlike Titanic, someone called her out on this shit: the little squirrely guy says to will “Holy shit dude that chick just shot at you with her eyes closed.” Will then proceeds to scream at her for awhile, and she justifies her actions by saying “well it worked, didn’t it?” This means-justifying-the-ends attitude is proof that both she and Kate Winslett are fascists.

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44 responses

25 03 2008
Tom Humes

Nice Site layout for your blog. I am looking forward to reading more from you.

Tom Humes

25 03 2008
Admiral Furious

As for Titanic…. You can watch that dry ass movie on your own. Steve Harvey said it best… “Bring on the Water!” I am one of those people who, after the first hour, switches that movie off or goes to the next room to find something better to do with my time.

As for the manliness… you are absolutely positively right on. It didn’t dawn on me how bad it was until I lived to southern California… where men my age had no clue how to change their oil or even fathomed how oil works. Stemming off of that, it amazes me how many dudes out there (and here on the east coast for that matter) are into the auto tuning scene… yet don’t have an inclining of understanding on how an internal combustion motor works. These are the same dudes that are too metro-sexual to get their hands dirty… yet poke fun at a person who is actually MITIGATING a problem that requires physical labor.

It kills me because these men have no clue how to work on or maintain a house… and instead take out a loan to pay a contractor to do some of the most remedial jobs: sandblasting walls, painting walls, putting in a toilet, etc.

My question is… how did this epidemic start? I think it has to do with the lack of parental involvement with their children… and I think the fathers are the main ones to blame here.

25 03 2008
Uhura

Finally-men are blamed for something????

I am waiting with baited breath to read more….

25 03 2008
Machete

HAHA! So true! My fault for assigning gender specific roles and assuming a guy knew what he was doing! The last couple of times I just had to role up my own sleeves and finish the task myself.

Anyways, can you really blame them? Society has changed … time is money… spending time learning or perfecting the art of car-lubing doesn’t save you much. No one has time to tinker about under a car with changing oil when you can do a walmart drive-thru oil change for $11. Doh!

Same for the house-maintenace stuff and other ‘manly’ activities … thanks to the on-going immigrant restrictions, you could pick up labor off the street corner to gladly demolish, install, paint and/or sandblast your walls for $50.

25 03 2008
Admiral Furious

Actually, I take that back… I blame the division of labor that was the mainstay in this country for centuries before civil rights, women, etc came along and forced everyone and everything to be “equal.” Before that, the division of labor held an unwritten mandate that men were in charge of grueling physical labor (except during the time of war… most noteably World War 2) which included but was not limited to: operation and maintenance of heavy machinery, outdoor work, “bringing home the bread,” driving, building things (as mentioned before), destroying things, etc all while courting to a lady with the utmost respect. Meanwhile, women were segregated to doing indoor work which included but was not limited to: raising the children, doing dishes, laundry, knitting, maybe some yardwork etc. I’m sure I’m missing some things, but thats not the point. The point is… because of this attitude and segregation, certain skills and education was not passed between the genders. And as time went on… and the ever evolving societies brought forth what is seen today… some of those skills were lost completely: wars, domestic problems (national sense), woodstock, etc. Additionally, education has gone to shit since the turn of the century… with graduation requirements becoming more lax and certain programs like “Home Economics” and “Tech Ed” which taught children (both girls and boys) the ins and outs of how to repair household appliances AND take care of a house, have been completely removed.

Meanwhile, parents are not educating their children either. I won’t lie… I wouldn’t have known how to replace my toilet had my dad not shown me. If he wasn’t around, I couldn’t rely on my mother because she was raised in an environment where women don’t touch any part of a toilet except for the seat and the handle. On top of that, I know of only three women who know the ins and outs of how a toilet works and/or know how to replace one.

Then theres the dudes… who have no clue how to keep a clean house OR even know how to wash dishes by hand. Actually that last one goes for both genders. HOW IS IT THAT PEOPLE DONT KNOW HOW TO WASH DISHES BY HAND?!!??!?!?!?

25 03 2008
Uhura

Well, I for one, am glad that people no longer have to be bound and restricted to rigid gender roles.

25 03 2008
Mr. Smith

That was my favorite scene in irobot because the first thing I said was “did she really just shoot at him with her eyes closed?” followed up by every character on screen berating her for shooting with her eyes closed. “Oh well, it worked didn’t it?” Damn.

Yes believe it or not, “men” have plenty of blame here, but even with many of those tasks, there are still standards to be set. “How fast an you dissemble the rifle? How well can you sandblast a wall? Cook the steak medium rare not medium well….”

That whole sorta thing

25 03 2008
Admiral Furious

Well thats part of the problem in this country… we’ve become too reliant on paying someone to court to our every need. In regards to the gear heads who really aren’t gear heads… if these dudes have the time to go out and street race all night long, yet don’t understand why their car is making funny noises, the car won’t idle right, and their oil light is on… its pretty pathetic. The same goes for women who run into this problem. I’ll get back to that…

Let me bring up another issue. I’m assuming that everyone on this board is pretty computer savy… but what about those who aren’t? Their computer suddenly gets slow or they cannot connect to the internet because they have processes running in the background that they installed but didn’t bother to understand how they work. So instead of trying to figure out whats wrong, they call up the Geek Squad and pay them god knows how much to fix what little teeny issue thats come up (kill unwanted process… uninstall unwanted process… takes 5 minutes).

This is just an example. What my point is… we as a country are lacking in remedial education and relying on other people to come here and court to us is not the answer. Eventually we’ll be too fat, lazy and stupid to stop the next invasion into our country. And since we’d be too stupid… we wouldn’t even know its happening.

25 03 2008
Machete

““Home Economics” and “Tech Ed” which taught children (both girls and boys) the ins and outs of how to repair household appliances AND take care of a house, have been completely removed”

Dunno what backward era you hail from, but you can’t honestly expect ppl in today’s technologically advanced world to have a soldering iron and a spare motherboard on hand to fix their ‘smart’ digital coffee-maker(or similar appliance) when it breaks instead of sending it back to the manufacturer or bying a new one. Also, there are sooo many DIY(do-it-yourself) channels/help out there that I am pretty sure I can follow the steps and put in a toilet/sink/whathaveyou if I so wished.
Lastly…same goes for cooking… just get a recipe, and follow the darn steps and don’t try substituting like-colored items for the listed ingredients and you will be fine. No need to have slaved in the kitchen half your childhood life just cos you are a female and therefore must learn how to cook.

25 03 2008
Admiral Furious

Did I say anything about fixing a coffee maker? No. Please stay on topic Machete.

Do you know how to change the oil on your car? The technical education that I received between 1989 and 1996 certainly taught me how to do that as well as how to take apart an engine. Unfortunately, my brother did not receive that education and therefore did not understand how an internal combustion engine worked until he began taking physics (and my dad showing him).

My point is… these fundamentals are required to stay ahead in society. Those people who do not have the resources to follow instructions and perform certain functions are being left behind as we speak. And this epidemic will continue as technology advances. Not everyone has grown up in a posh environment where such resources are readily available to them.

25 03 2008
Admiral Furious

By the way… when I say society… I mean the global society… which by the way, we are nowhere near the head of.

25 03 2008
Machete

First off yes, I have changed my own car oil and know how to thankyouverymuch. Second, coffee maker == household appliance. For it’s an appliance? and can be found in the house…no?

25 03 2008
london

oooh wee…
when i wanted my boom box as a teenager my dad bought it for me and took the plug off.. he handed me a screwdriver and said get it back on and the boom box working…
when i left home he gave me a tool box…
i can fix a toilet (never had to install one mind..) washing machines & am a dab hand at vacuum cleaners too…
i wash dishes by hand… and i can do clothes too if the need arises.
i am great at decorating… cutting in is a speciality..
have only just got round to cars as i learned to drive when i was 37 only as a thing i needed to do before 40… (i live in a city).. but am getting it…
my dad always said his only daughter should never have to rely on any man to do stuff for her..

on another note can you do a post on dubious adverts check this one out airing currently over here in good old blighty… it is criminal.. smdh.. cringeworthy..

great blog.. loves it…

25 03 2008
imaG

Titanic – I was so young when I saw that. Naked Kate Winslet, mmmm. Yes. Love story was cool…I don’t know I kinda liked that film but come on I mean she said never let go or he said never let go and guess what she let go and that nigga sunk. But someone tell me, when the fuck is Titanic 2 comin out? So I can take Uhura on a date (assuming you’re a female) – http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com

25 03 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“So I can take Uhura on a date (assuming you’re a female)”

I dunno, man. Considering the cantankerous banter between The Admrial and Uhura + Machete, I’m pretty sure he’s married to at least one of them…unless they’re the same person.

Nyuk nyuk.

25 03 2008
imaG

dude im in school but yo, fundamentals of manliness..omg dawg this is some fir eass shit, one of my friends cant even fuckin feed himself, i had to teach that nigga how to make motherfuckin ramen noodles man, too many niggas is pussies nowadays i aint down with that, dude was so soft he BOUGHT a season ticket for the theme park, and he has yet to ride one roller coaster. homeboy if u see this my fault but i telll u this to ur face.

http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com

im out. good shit bro, this is why i return daily. im turnin into an admiral furious..NOOOOOOOOOOO!

25 03 2008
Admiral Furious

Machete… that is fantastic… I applaud you. You are added to the list of 7 women I know who can do so. Bravo. How about transmission fluid too? I need that changed on my truck. (jk) AS for the coffee maker… okay I’ll give you that. I was referring to fixing a washing machine, an oven, working with both electricity and gas lines (limited), etc. But again… that is not my point.

What these things are comprised of and how they work is not widely known to the american public. People just buy appliances, cars, etc without the thought of how they work and most don’t have the curiosity to investigate. Now I’m not saying its everyone… but if you knock on your neighbors door and ask them if they know how the shift linkage in their car operates, I’ll more than bet you they will give you a blank stare back.

I’m not jumping on either gender here… I’m talking about everyone in general. When your maytag breaks down are you going to call Ludacris the Maintenance Man to come fix it?

25 03 2008
Admiral Furious

Resistance is futile.

25 03 2008
Lolo

You’re giving Man scoldings based on watching Titanic. That in itself is worth the giggles.

p.s. Women do leave rich guys for poor ones. After taking half the assets plus alimony, duh.

25 03 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“You’re giving Man scoldings based on watching Titanic.”

Yes. Because I can repair cars, pour and level concrete, and survive in the woods equipped only with a knife and a bad attitude, I don’t have to base my manliness on the movies I don’t watch.

I also watch Sex & The City. Bite me.

25 03 2008
Lolo

Don’t get your manties in a twist, I’m just laughing is all. Sheesh. Next you’re going to tell me how Samantha is really misunderstood and is a closet romantic or something.

25 03 2008
Cause Problem

So Chris, you sayin you don’t watch no Charles Bronson out dis bitch?!!?!? Women close to him get killed, him goes crazy… shoots everybody! Now thats a man.

25 03 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Women close to him get killed, him goes crazy… shoots everybody!”

For me, I call that “Thursday”.

25 03 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

“Don’t get your manties in a twist, I’m just laughing is all. Sheesh.”

So am I, pop tart. I just laugh a lot more angrily than you do.

25 03 2008
Lolo

That’s good, especially since it’s your blog and I’m here for the angry, angry laughter.

25 03 2008
london

.. the basic thing is that people have been brainwashed into believing in the service industry…
they don’t realise that everything is built to fail on you… so the manufacturers can have their engineers or some cowboy come to their house and fix their appliance for them…
now car engines are mainly computers encased in solid steel so you cannot get to the components… this is killing roll your sleeves up diy-ers… it’s all approved garages..

the industries look after themselves first…

in saying all that….there is ONE thing i am going to do… hire a blimmin’ cleaner…
i know how to do it and do so… but am beginning to hate it with a passion… life and my weekend is too short to be running around with a feather duster and polish on a saturday morning.. am filled with guilt about it.. but am assured it will pass….

titanic and whms looked shyte on paper so have never seen either..

25 03 2008
london

manties… *dead*

25 03 2008
Cause Problems

The Industry = The MAN. The white man!

Death to em all!

25 03 2008
Admiral Furious

London… I couldn’t agree more. What I failed to mention is despite having the knowledge, I cannot hate on someone who doesn’t have the time or energy to utilize that knowledge on a regular basis. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t have the time to work on my cars as I used to… and therefore mozy my behind on over to the dealership and pay for service.

However, if at all there was an epic national failure (similar to that which happened in the 1930s) I would most certainly be able to find the resources I need to perform the proper maintenance on my car and anything else that is a necessity for living.

25 03 2008
london

you are so right admiral…nothing like being prepared…
and of course i would make lots of money out of it…
*pimp* @ kill them all…
you are rough…

25 03 2008
imaG

i have an idea on how to change a tire but i need to get my appliance skills up. but its all about the bookwork anyway, if ya got the money just hire someone, but i still would rathe rimpress my girl by DIY naa mean? so she can be like wow my man fixed the kitchen sink, now its boom boom time – http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com

25 03 2008
bluedoll

My boyfriend loves to work on cars. He’s shown me how to change a tire, how to change the oil and who to call if car breaks down. Something goes wrong with my car, I call him or my dad. He also knows how to cook his ass off. ( not literally, but ya know) Me? I am a spoiled brat, but not in the bad sense. I’m the baby of the family, and my dad also said that his baby girl will not have to rely on a man to do things for her. While I enjoy being taken care of, I do not NEED to be. I am independent enough to let my man do some ‘manly’ stuff. And it took me a long time to get to that point. A great cook, I am not, but I am capable of perparing an edible meal for four or five people, just not a five course masterpiece. I DO agree that kids are not taught how to maintain a home, boy OR girl.

25 03 2008
zeptool

Hmm, actually if my parents hadn’t gotten a divorce I probably would’ve ended up not knowing how to fix anything. As it was, they did get divorced, when I was young, and being the oldest child, I learned how to do everything myself. I took things apart and discovered how to put them back together. I figured out how to change a flat, jump a car, put x, y, z together, add refrigerant (in college-thanks in part to my male roommate), take apart and fix a vacuum, meddle with/fix TVs, washer/dryer, etc. True I don’t know a whole lot about/ how to do “womanly things”, nit/sew (I can sew patches onto my gi and fix holes in it), cook (without a detailed recipe with precise measurements and instructions), etc. but, imo, I don’t believe that’s as important as the former. I recently began commuting via bicycle, so I’m learning about bike repair. I like that gender-specific task boundaries are lessening. As for most people not knowing how to do basic things, *shrug* that’s what robots are for.

26 03 2008
lazypen

this post reminded me yet again that I am not a manly man

26 03 2008
Anmarie

FOM sounds girly

26 03 2008
Anmarie

Everyone has self esteem nowadays but few have actual capablities. Good Call, i want to screw in a light bulb and bake a pie now.

Gross: “gigantic pussy flaps”

26 03 2008
imaG

thats what robots are for?

lol most repairs are done manually kid. – http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com

26 03 2008
jumpinjackflasher

Reading these comments is one of the highlights of my day. How pathetic is that?

http://stuffwhiteparentslike.com

26 03 2008
Pamalicious

Um, I love Titanic but then again I love Gone With The Wind and put myself in Scarletts place.

My favorite part of Titanic was when ole boy grabbed that child to get into the boat. Bitchassness indeed!

27 03 2008
KG

You’re a clever one…one would think this blog is about the rants of a pissed off Black guy but it’s really the random musings of someone who loves to write. I’ve been chronicling these “Stuff (insert race) People like” blogs and this one is the funniest so far.

28 03 2008
LA to VA

Since I have never seen Titanic all the way through ( I feel asleep on it twice) and I’m the only female that I know that could care less about the movie. So, I can’t really justify the comparisions. But, I agree anyway.

Alot of men I have come across can’t do MAN things. Their manliness is shot. I saw this the most when I was living in California. I had a boyfriend couldn’t change the oil in a car, let alone a tire. I don’t think he knew where to put the oil lol. He didn’t even wash his car himself, he HAD to take it to the car wash. Don’t even get me started with him using tools and/or fixing things.

I’m pretty proud to say that I can do all basic car maintainence myself and household tool work plus much more. But, I would always wonder why I had to do them, while him and all the other guys I knew did not know how to do these simple things. It’s really sad, where did the all manliness go?

By the way, Figure 2 almost had me on the floor

28 03 2008
70ssoulchild

I’m loving you for this post alone. I abhor this movie and STILL don’t understand all the hype that it caused.

You’ve seem more of it than I have I’ve only seen the part where they’re floating on a piece of wood and ol’ Jack is dead and she pushes him down into the ocean. At that was too much.

Thank for the hate..keep it coming.

27 03 2009
Asada

fuck all of you.
Thanks alot.
peace.

31 08 2009
Gabriel

You know, I never tied this trend to Titanic, but now that I see it all laid out like that, it makes more than a little sense. I had my own experience with the impact of the lack of FOM (hell, not even FOM, really, but just basic everyday life skills) a couple years back while helping a woman of my acquaintance move. In what follows, her own inability to deal with things isn’t the shocking part (she was brought up VERY rich in a very uptown east coast environment – the notion that she would ever have car problems without being able to rent a replacement while someone else took care of it was never a consideration). The shocking part is that she managed to reach almost 30 without ever seeing anyone else handle them, either.

With about a month to go, she couldn’t find boxes to pack. It took me 30 seconds to ascertain that she was serious, then 10 minutes to convince her to come with me to the nearest grocery store where we loaded the car with boxes.

With less than a week to go, I took over all driving that wasn’t strictly interstate driving, because she couldn’t drive with the trailer attached if backing up was going to be required.

With two days to go, I took over all packing of the trailer, because she’d ascertained that there was insufficient space for everything she required.

With one day to go, she woke me up at some ungodly hour because her car had a flat. Now, the fact that this was eye-rollingly bad timing is understandable. But she was on the verge of tears. She actually thought that fixing this would take days and that the house would be demolished while we were still inside. She didn’t believe me when I tried to go back to sleep, telling her that wasn’t even 10 minutes of work and she should call a tire place and get some prices and let me sleep another 2 hours if she wanted to do something constructive. I actually had to get up and do it.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s certainly something awesome when you’re just an average guy with what you consider to be the basic ‘modern survival’ skillset and yet a girl considers you to be the epitome of the hands-on rugged man’s man. That’s certainly an ego boost. But it’s still kinda stunning that she could’ve existed on the planet for 3 decades and not have found these to be abilities that just about every man (and most women) in the country possesses.

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