Fashion is getting more and more fucking ridiculous every goddamn day. We haven’t quite reached the acid-induced insanity that inspired the out-of-this-world fashion trends of the 1960’s, but I’ve concluded that at this point, we’re on a runaway freight train headed right in that direction.
So without further adieu, here is an abbreviated list of fashion trends that MUST STOP before humankind, as a species, is hopelessly lost.
Nothing has made me sadder in recent fashion history than the decline of the high heel shoe. Women everywhere of every age and race are taking up the feminist rallying cry “GOD AS MY WITNESS, MY FEET WILL NEVER GO SORE AGAIN!” and adopting flat shoes.
Figure 1: Yuck
All this is happening at a time when women are demanding their men to be more muscled, more educated, more intellectually curious, and more sensitive to their feelings (all of which make us VERY sore, especially the last one). We’re more than happy to do this, ladies, but at the very least you could throw on some fuck-me pumps that shape your legs and ass into that oh so beautiful contour that fills us with the sexual angst that drives us to throw up a few more bench presses.
This has been around for a long time. I’ll never forget when my dad was driving me home from school one day, and on the corner of Pennsylvania Ave and 26th Street SE – right in front of a police station – I spotted a young woman speaking to a young man…whose pants were literally around his ankles. That’s right, they weren’t just sagging and showing his boxers. THEY WERE AROUND HIS FUCKING ANKLES LIKE HE WAS GOING TO COP A SQUAT AT ANY MOMENT. I have never seen my father more angry than he was that day, and this is a guy who blew away a poisonous snake with a shotgun at point blank range to “teach me a lesson”.
Figure 2: Times are hard, and belts are expensive
White people became threatened by this, and many cities have passed controversial ordinances banning the sagging pants practice*. Then someone responded by making faux-saggy jeans. Have you seen this shit?
Some genius decided to get around these no-sag laws by making pants that actually have the boxers INTEGRATED with the jeans. So imagine figure 2, but with the boxers and the jeans being sewn together and, therefore, part of the same garment. They’re pants that pretend to be saggy. I said they’re pants that pretend to be saggy. Did you fucking hear what I just said? Let me reiterate: THEY’RE PANTS THAT PRETEND TO BE SAGGY! THEY’RE PANTS THAT PRETEND TO BE SAGGY!THEY’RE PANTS THAT PRETEND TO BE SAGGY!THEY’RE PANTS THAT PRETEND TO BE SAGGY!THEY’RE PANTS THAT PRETEND TO BE SAGGY!THEY’RE PANTS THAT PRETEND TO BE SAGGY!
There is no cause for optimism about anything, ever.
Bald Heads on Women (who don’t have cancer or some shit)
I’m going to get a lot of flak for this, but I don’t care. Ladies, yall need to grow at least a good 3 inches of hair. Don’t get me wrong – bald heads actually look decent on some women…from the front…in broad daylight. The problem arises when it comes to sexual relations.
If you look at the back of the head of a bald man and a bald woman, you can’t really tell the difference. As you know, black men love doing it doggy style and, well, when you’re going at it with a girl from the back and she has a shaved head, he can’t help but feel like he could just as easily be banging some brolic dude named Jerome.
A woman shaving her head is like a man wearing eye shadow.
Figure 3: Same fucking difference
I don’t know if these fucking things are actually styled after maternity dresses. All I know is that they make any girl look fat and/or pregnant.
Figure 4: No.
The two images above are fairly atrocious examples, but the concept applies to any top that cinches just below the boobs and lets the rest of the top fall loosely. These tops say one of three things to a guy: 1.) I’m pregnant, 2.) I wanna get pregnant real soon, 3.) I’m a fat fuck and I think this stupid top is fooling you. If you insist on wearing these tops, then you are dooming yourself to attracting the types of guys who wear…
Figure 5: Makes $10 an hour
Nothing makes me laugh** harder than when I see some moron roll up into a club covered in CZs and a bunch of stainless steel…except when I see women actually falling for their bullshit. Women never admit to falling for guys because they’re covered in FUBU and fake ice, but then again men never admit to watching porn, either. We’re all full of shit.
Women have no idea of the time, effort, and expense that men will go through to feign the appearance of wealth for the purposes of attracting women. I know a person who spent months saving thousands of dollars to rent a Ferrari for a weekend JUST to impress chicks at clubs. Women assume men won’t go to these lengths because…women don’t do it. Women are wrong.
Ladies, if you really wanna find out who the well-off men are in the clubs, I suggest the following: ‘accidentally’ spill a moderate amount of alcohol (preferably something that will stain permanently, like a cranberry mixer) on a man wearing a nice shirt, then take careful note of how pissed off he gets. The man’s anger is inversely proportional to his wealth.
For example, if you spill a drink on the dude in figure 5 and he loses it – it’s because he can’t afford to replace the shirt. This is probably a result of poor financial management and limited financial means. But if you spill a drink on him and he doesn’t care, or even laughs about it***, you’ve got yourself a guy who isn’t living paycheck to paycheck
I could go on all damn day about fashion trends, but I’ll end it here. Please feel free to add your fashion pet peeves to the comments section, and render this article complete.
*This and this, however, are perfectly acceptable to them
**This is a video of me in the unused chapel of an old palace in Portugal. The echo in the room was incredible, and I could not resist making as much noise as humanly possible
***He may be clinically insane