Some fucker in the bathroom today took a dump so unbelievably epic that if it had a soundtrack, it would’ve featured ‘O Fortuna‘ as the title track. After prolonged and audible straining, several prayers to Roman, Greek, and Sumerian deities to free the meadow muffins from his colon, enduring the resulting Gastrointestinal Symphony as rendered by the Butt Trumpet Philharmonic, and spending a good ten minutes wiping his ass…
THIS DUDE BOUNCED WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS!
It so happened that another black dude and I exited our stalls at about the same time, and the look on his face, which was clearly the result of what he’d just heard (the dump) and not heard (the cleansing sound of water), was that of a freshly raped prison inmate. At this point my memory was suddenly refreshed: black people HATE bad bathroom hygiene.
Figure 1: Fuck you.
Black people around the country cringe in anger when we see urine droplets all over the sides of the damn urinals and on the floor*, doo-doo skid marks all around the sides of the toilet, unflushed toilets**, strips of toilet paper all over the damn place, and the lingering scent of excrement in the air because people refuse to courtesy flush. Let two black people meet in a bathroom under these conditions, and knowing looks of disgust will be shared. They will also share a knowing look of relief, because they know that black people rarely leave a public bathroom in foul condition***.
This all, of course, addresses male behavior in the bathroom. But what about the women?
I’ve known women in general to be pretty clean when it comes to doing numbers 1 and 2, but they go through some kind of Kafkaesque hygenic metamorphasis when they decide to jump in the shower. It’s a two part puzzle – 1.) they somehow leave more hair on the floor, sink, and drains than the total amount of hair they’ve ever grown on their heads in their entire lives and 2.) despite the fact that they exit the bathroom covered in robes and towels, there is water EVERYWHRE and the towels are COMPLETELY DRY. This leaves men to wonder 1.) where the fuck is all this hair coming from, and 2.) what are the goddamn towels for?
Figure 2: Why?
I assume women wear the towels to distract us from the hairy swamp worlds they create in our bathrooms by providing easy access to their naughty bits. After all, I might be willing to overlook the fact that my bathroom looks like someone just went to work on a Yorkie with clippers and a fire hose if sex is within easy reach. As for the hair…I’m simply going to assume that women actually relieve themselves by growing hair out of their asses and shaving it off as they shower – because I really have no proof that any woman has ever taken a dump (in the traditional sense), and no other explanation seems plausible.
*How the FUCK does this happen?
**HOW HARD IS IT TO FLUSH A FUCKING TOILET?!?!?!?
***This is similar to the look of relief black people give each other when we hear on the news that a newly-alleged criminal isn’t black