Bad Hygiene

19 03 2008

Some fucker in the bathroom today took a dump so unbelievably epic that if it had a soundtrack, it would’ve featured ‘O Fortuna‘ as the title track. After prolonged and audible straining, several prayers to Roman, Greek, and Sumerian deities to free the meadow muffins from his colon, enduring the resulting Gastrointestinal Symphony as rendered by the Butt Trumpet Philharmonic, and spending a good ten minutes wiping his ass…

THIS DUDE BOUNCED WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS!

It so happened that another black dude and I exited our stalls at about the same time, and the look on his face, which was clearly the result of what he’d just heard (the dump) and not heard (the cleansing sound of water), was that of a freshly raped prison inmate. At this point my memory was suddenly refreshed: black people HATE bad bathroom hygiene.


handshake.jpg

Figure 1: Fuck you.

Black people around the country cringe in anger when we see urine droplets all over the sides of the damn urinals and on the floor*, doo-doo skid marks all around the sides of the toilet, unflushed toilets**, strips of toilet paper all over the damn place, and the lingering scent of excrement in the air because people refuse to courtesy flush. Let two black people meet in a bathroom under these conditions, and knowing looks of disgust will be shared. They will also share a knowing look of relief, because they know that black people rarely leave a public bathroom in foul condition***.

This all, of course, addresses male behavior in the bathroom. But what about the women?

I’ve known women in general to be pretty clean when it comes to doing numbers 1 and 2, but they go through some kind of Kafkaesque hygenic metamorphasis when they decide to jump in the shower. It’s a two part puzzle – 1.) they somehow leave more hair on the floor, sink, and drains than the total amount of hair they’ve ever grown on their heads in their entire lives and 2.) despite the fact that they exit the bathroom covered in robes and towels, there is water EVERYWHRE and the towels are COMPLETELY DRY. This leaves men to wonder 1.) where the fuck is all this hair coming from, and 2.) what are the goddamn towels for?

womandrying.jpg

Figure 2: Why?

I assume women wear the towels to distract us from the hairy swamp worlds they create in our bathrooms by providing easy access to their naughty bits. After all, I might be willing to overlook the fact that my bathroom looks like someone just went to work on a Yorkie with clippers and a fire hose if sex is within easy reach. As for the hair…I’m simply going to assume that women actually relieve themselves by growing hair out of their asses and shaving it off as they shower – because I really have no proof that any woman has ever taken a dump (in the traditional sense), and no other explanation seems plausible.

*How the FUCK does this happen?
**HOW HARD IS IT TO FLUSH A FUCKING TOILET?!?!?!?
***This is similar to the look of relief black people give each other when we hear on the news that a newly-alleged criminal isn’t black

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45 responses

19 03 2008
JustABlackDude

Oh man, dude…this shit is hilarious. But I think you’re forgetting the key point here – black people (at least in my experiences) absolutely will hold it as long as possible in order to avoid doing numeral deux in a public restroom. I know I’ve done my fair share of the Buttcheek Clinch because there’s no way in Lucifer’s hot and humid home I am sitting on a toilet seat in a public restroom.

I will admit, however, that I have done “the hover” on a couple of unbearable occasions, which is a natural position if you play any kind of defense on a basketball court.

19 03 2008
zeptool

Er, are you talking about white women, ’cause black women don’t leave hair everywhere… On the other hand everything about the words immediately surrounding Fig. 1; spot on.

19 03 2008
mini

I don’t even use most public restrooms because I know that they are foul. If I do find myself in a public place and I have to go I usually have a few spots that I have staked out and know that their bathrooms are decent. In addition, I always carry extra tp and hand sanitizer just in case. It is totally nasty and disgusting to leave the bathroom without washing your hands….everyone should know this!

19 03 2008
Mammoth

This is why I shaved my head. I can’t believe I used to be one of those women that would take long ass showers just to wash my hair, then have to get out and deal with styling it.

Now, 5 minute showers. If men can have it so easy, why can’t I?

19 03 2008
JustABlackDude

zeptool…I hope you’re not so ignorant to believe that black women don’t leave hair everywhere either…take a look at a sink next time your woman/a woman brushes her hair. It’s as if a dog were shaven on your bathroom counter.

19 03 2008
JustABlackDude

Also agree with Figure 1….hahaha that is 110.6% accurate.

19 03 2008
Uhura

Sorry-White Women have the hair leavings market cornered. A White woman’s hair will show up in the damnedest places (outside of the restroom that is).

Anyway-this post was on point…as usual. I worked with a PATHOLOGIST who was white. That wench NEVER EVER EVER washed her hands after using the rest room.

LOL!

19 03 2008
Admiral Furious

This blog sparks an awful memory from when I was in college. During my junior year, I lived in on-campus apartments (more like oversized cubicals) with three other roommates: A black dude, a vietnamese dude, and a white dude. During that time, I never experienced filth beyond what was displayed by none other than the non-black people in that spot. First, I would like to touch on the Vietnamese dude who continuously would refuse to push the god damn seat up… upon urination. This of course would result in urine landing on the actual toilet seat in a wonderfully atrocious display of yellow dots and lines all over the white porcelain. Now… here is where I’m going to call all of you hard ass dudes out there, who claim that they don’t wipe the mother fucking seat off when you take a shit… would you land your ass in newly or aging piss stains? I certainly hope not. It stings… as I regretfully found out one late night when I refused to turn the lights on in the bathroom. Anyway, the issue was brought up to him… but he continued to refuse to push the seat up… therefore leaving his mark on the toilet every time he used it. Asshole. Additionally, this individual on more than one occassion left food out to spoil for days and would explode upon anyone else putting away or throwing out the deteriorating remains of what was once edible.

But that leads me to the most disgusting offender of them all: the white dude. Now granted he was a cool and fairly smart cat, don’t you dare ask me to shake his hand or ANYTHING… because I have and will always refuse to do so since he never washed his hands after urinating or defecating! Yes there were way too many occasions where I was in my room (sorry my cubicle) and I would hear the bathroom door close and the fan turn on for several minutes before the toilet flushed and the fan was silenced. Immediately following was the sound of the door opening, three seconds of fair silence, and then the refrigerator and cupboard doors being opened. Gross! I decided to do something about that by placing a wonderfully designed alert on both the bathroom wall and the bathroom door saying “Remember to Wash Your Hands!” Following its maiden display… two weeks of habitual water “splashing” on the hands concluded his business session… but I guess something happened after that because at the start of the thrid week, the signs had no affect.

In the same light… where I work… the same “shitty” habits and behavior continues… which answers my question as to why people are always sick around here.

As for the hair… ALL WOMEN shed! The worst offenders are by far Asian women… who seem to be like any animal with long fur. HOWEVER, I must say that white people come in a very close second since their hair is thinner and seemingly twice as gross.

Black people… well… some of us just don’t have the hair thats long/thick enough to get stuck in the shower drain. Oh well…

19 03 2008
shabooty

i love the ‘jovial black man’ that sits on the toilet taking a dump and talking loud as fuck on the cell phone at the same time.
i can ignore every negative aspect of this due to his hilarious conversation.
😡

19 03 2008
whiteguy

Who sniffs Jenkem, white people or black people?
Who gets MRSA more often white or black.

Black.
Black.

I mean, are you trying to say that black people are more hygenic than white? That’s bullshit.

19 03 2008
Kia

First off, LMMFAO. I swear this is on the top of my list of ish that I hate. I am a female and you have no idea the NASTINESS that I face on a daily basis when going to the “ladies” room. Sometimes I wonder if these chicks have d#%ks! What you know about p on the seats thick as butter. Oh yea. GROSS. One day, there was a a butter covered seat that I cringed at and walked to the next one, while I was in my stall, I noticed that someone (probably the culprit) went in that stall without wiping the seat or anything at that (you can hear the tissue being torn). Another time there was someone that took a dump and didn’t wipe (no sound of tissue tearing AGAIN). And then she left without washing her hands. Oh yes this happened. This is why I have grown to HATE community peanuts, chips, pretzels anywhere. And I refuse to shake hands because I know that most people don’t wash their hands. It is truly DISGUSTING. Thanks for posting. Just thinking about this makes me cringe lol.

19 03 2008
Loudmouth Protestant

I have seen the presence of bad hygiene in church. Cleanliness is godliness, right? No–it’s not even a scripture in the good book. Nevertheless a few weeks ago I had to make an emergency trip to the restroom between services. When it was my turn to go, an old lady walked out of the stall. I figured her being older meant she probably left the stall in decent condition because old black ladies are the first to tell you that young folks are dirty, messy, unkempt, etc. Well when I got into the stall her urine and t.p. nubbies were all over the place. And I don’t mean a drop, I mean it looked like she wanted to next person who came in to play connect the dots with her leftovers. I took a U-turn out of the stall and refused to deal with it. I wanted to shoot her a disgusted glance but I also remembered that old black church ladies will commence to laying hands on young people with the quickness and I didn’t want us to enter into warfare before the next service.

19 03 2008
Admiral Furious

Kia you have made me look at the trail mix bowl at bars in a completely different light. (shudder)

19 03 2008
Kia

Ahhh yes Admiral it’s bad. Just think, if you are a dude of course how many times you might scratch your balls lol. Sounds nasty but think about that and how everyone may not be as clean as you. THE HORROR i tell you. lol. Helps you to put things into perspective I’m sure. lol. Now if you are not a dude then this doesn’t apply. 🙂

19 03 2008
Uhura

The fact is that White people have different (ahem) hygenic standards than Blacks.

They will think nothing of eating / drinking after one another; using other folks’ lipsticks, combs, and / or other personal care implements, and not washing their muthafuckin’ hands after using the bathroom.

It is what it is.

19 03 2008
Admiral Furious

Kia, I am indeed a man and yes it makes me shudder at the thought of a chunk of doo doo in the community trail mix bowl.

19 03 2008
StuffWhiteParentsLike

This is one of the funniest sites around. I’m going to blogroll it.

http://stuffwhiteparentslike.wordpress.com

19 03 2008
el presidente

White people definately DO have a different hygienic standard than black people, which, being a 21 year old white guy, makes me think at least part of my brain developed as a black guy. From what I’ve seen, its pretty simple…black guys just take the whole 10 friggin minutes it takes to make yourself presentable. I’m the exact same way, and honestly it shows you have some shred of self-respect. On the other hand, I know white guys my age who do NOTHING of that sort; they don’t shower, shave, have horrible dandruff, wear nasty dirty clothes, don’t brush their teeth, and live in a level of filth beyond anything I could imagine (worse than Adm. Furious’s Vietnamese kid). And they think spraying enough Axe to gag a guy in a gas mask will make it go away, but no one can even stand to be around these kids, cause they smell like either rotten meat or good cheese. I typically don’t think about race or racially dividing people, because I just don’t think it matters, but I’m not gonna lie, these kids make me embarassed to be a white guy. I take the time to take care of myself and my living space, and these kids just come along and further the stereotype (which, like most stereotypes, exists because its true) that white people are disgusting (and I agree…anyone who uses the damn soap to wash themselves directly, and lets all sortsa hair accumulate in the soap makes me sick). So to all you white guys out there who spend their days smelling like doo doo butter, I hope you either clean up your act and stop being a worthless sack of crap, or I hope mice invade your living space and poop everywhere, and you get Hanta virus from it…that way either the hospital will clean your ass up, or it’ll kill you, so it won’t matter anymore.

19 03 2008
imaG

i dont give a fuck what u say white people be dirty as fuck yo

admiral furious – i salute you.

http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com

19 03 2008
Admiral Furious

You know what… let me digress for a hot minute. There are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule, aka people who were raised with some awareness of hygiene and some… well… oh well. But I think I’d like to point out the difference between those who have no choice to live in filth because their life circumstances hinder them from the minimum standard… and those who live privileged lives yet still lack the basic knowledge surrounding the soap, wash cloth, shampoo and deodorant.

19 03 2008
bdmfs

*** that is definitely true!

19 03 2008
Uhura

Lets’ not forget to add:
A fundamental deficiency in the understanding of the concept of CROSS CONTAMINATION.

19 03 2008
Admiral Furious

Cross Contamination would most certainly be included within each soap, shampoo, wash cloth, deodorant lesson.

19 03 2008
zoso

JustABlackDude, I am a black female and I don’t leave hair everywhere. Emphasis on everywhere! That’s not to say I don’t shed (trust I do sweep/pick it up), but no where near the shedding level of white women. White women do possess the crown own that one. I’m with Uhura.

19 03 2008
zoso

zoso=zeptool

19 03 2008
JustABlackDude

zoso – good observation, you caught me! Black women do indeed shed, but not EVERYWHERE like white women – routinely you will find white women’s hair in places that hair should not be found (stuck IN leather car seats, what the fuck?)

The difference that you mentioned is another key point – you sweep it up. Just like Admiral Furious said, they feel as if they can just leave it all over and that it’ll just magically ball up, sprout stringy hair legs and walk itself to the trash can!

Ah, and whiteguy, check your sources, sir: http://www.blackwellpublishing.com/eccmid17/abstract.asp?id=56049

19 03 2008
a.eye

I’m a woman with super short hair. I know that all people shed hair, no matter how long it is. Women with relaxed hair tend to have more breakage that will be everywhere when they wash, dry, and style their hair.

But white women have hair every where on earth outside the bathroom or stylist. That stuff will show up on some chairs in your place of work, in your bag when you haven’t been around one of them for eons, floating through the air while you walk down the street.

And thanks Kia for the knowledge on the open bowls of food. Hadn’t really thought of that stuff. I thought I was doing well by not touching hands.

20 03 2008
Uhura

Everyone sheds-that’s true. However, White Women’s hair is every effin’ where. AND since many White people are simply dirty assed period-it’s not like it’s going to occur to them to clean up after themselves.

In the immortal words of Clay Davis: Sheeeit…

Some of the folks in my vanpool be fakin’ the funk all the dayum time. Sometimes I wonder if they shower on an alternating basis- Mondays and Thursdays only.

20 03 2008
CandyCane

Nothing is more disgusting then white people clipping their toenails at their desk. Trust me, I witnessed it.

20 03 2008
Uhura

I had to issue a Cease and Desist on this Flo-looking wench for filing her damned fingernails in my car.

20 03 2008
roadlesswandering

Too funny!!! I don’t know if it’s just white people…but people who grew up with a white mentality. I lived with this tryflin’ if you have the energy feel free to read this letter I sent her:

There was so much garbage on the balcony,in the bathroom, in the kitchen. It was beyond comprehension. There was old food left in the cabinets. Some of that stuff was from 2001! I was really upset because we had roaches crawling everywhere, mounds of garbage on the balcony….boxes that sat in this place for months and then to see them thrown out as if they weren’t valuable really burned me. I’m referring to the box of lipton tea that sat on the shelf. I never touched it but after you left I saw only one bag of tea in there. There were boxes of incense with only one incense remaining. There was chocolate with one piece of chocolate in the box. This pattern went on and on. But I was really just fed up with the bathroom. I couldn’t believe that there were three empty containers of body wax left in there without any thought of throwing them out. There were empty shampoo containers. I never touched them because they weren’t mine. I know you can say, well I was moving in a rush. Of course it was a rush, but some of that could have been thrown out waaaaaaayyyyy before June.

Now I don’t know if the motions hair care products was yours or not, but I assumed they weren’t Jessica’s because she told me when she moved in that she took all of her stuff out. But to leave that big pile of moldy hair stuff in the bathroom without even thinking of throwing it out was reprehensible. It’s bad enough I had to suffer through it. But to leave it. When I started going through the years of garbage that was left on the balcony I was devastated. I couldn’t believe all of this was left. The front room was left with all these miscellaneous items. You left a pile of things in the hallway. But when I went through it it was all garbage! All of it! How could you be so inconsiderate?

If this was a communal effort then we shared in the cleaning. Every Sunday night after December I dumped the burnables.When I returned there was a mound of four to five bags on the balcony. Now you heard me say, “When I came home those bags were there and I’m not the fucking maid!” Why? Because I was fed up. Your response was that you have never had a complaint from a roommate. I think you should ask someone who can be honest. Who can say, I did have a problem with the constant piles of hair in the shower, the tea bags lined along the counter, the weeks worth of dishes in the sink. I think you should find someone who can be honest and tell you that they were tired of it, but didn’t have the decency to tell you. When you live communally then when one person leaves the others pitch in. But that’s not what happened. The balcony became the garbage.

Maybe this is a bit much…but this was just sooooo rank!!!

20 03 2008
LA to VA

To be honest, the ladies public restroom can be one of the most disgusting places on earth. I’ve witnessed too many things…

This post is too hilarious

All women shed hair. Between it getting caught in stuff, static cling, and naturally losing the strands that you lose…Your hair is everywhere

20 03 2008
Ms. Kristine

I just want to profess my love for JustABlackDude, hey, what can I say, he (methinks) makes me laugh!! (Yikes huh? Viva L’Internet anonymous loving!!)

Now for my real comment: One will not truly experience the horror of white-woman hair or racial hygienic differences until one becomes a member of a gym!! That will open your eyes to it all!!! Quickly and briefly, because I could type all day about this– picture this; three out of four sinks, that one would use to wash one’s face, is laced and overtaken with blond and brunette hair! I just cringe and bring my sweaty-butt home, I will wait until I get home to wash my face—it is not worth it!! WOW!!

20 03 2008
Single Black Male

I completely feel you on this. The rituals I go through before using a public toilet for a #2 are too numerous to list (although I will be anywhere).

And I think Black Women hate it the most. Not sure what they would have done if they didn’t come out with hand sanitizer.

21 03 2008
Uhura

Too bad hand sanitizer does not work on viruses and spores.

25 03 2008
bluedoll

My office is mainly women. SOME of us are the nastiest people in the bathroom. If you finish your business and use your foot to flush, HOW DO YOU NOT SEE ALL THE PEE ON THE SEAT?? Wipe that isht off. Hence, Mama taught me to hover, and I have taught my daughter to hover and the paper towel over the doorknob when you leave thing. If you must sit, for the love of God, use a barrier, I don’t know what has crawled on your azz and died or reproduced. Someone has kindly taken to leaving Lysol in each stall for us. I spray, let dry, then use 2 covers, if necessary. I dont like using my hands to turn the faucet on b/c I have NO idea where the previous person’s hands were (and I know this person goes to ‘drop some kids off at the pool more than once a day) nor if they’ve washed them at all today. And then I have to Purell my hands when I get back to my desk. At our potlucks, there are certain peoples food that is never eaten because we have NEVER seen them wash their hands in the bathroom. And if we happen to walk out at the same time, and my hands are wrapped up in paper towels and yours aren’t, that’s nasty. PLEASE don’t touch me. And women do do (no pun intended, lol) #2. A true lady never lets a man KNOW it. How sexy is it to hear your girl sayin, “honey, let me call you back, I’m taking a dump?” lol…

27 03 2008
lajanegalt

there is a woman on my floor (white) who bounces w/o washing her hands. I want to scream. Damned if someone didn’t change their string bean w/o washing the other day.

I always tell the janitor to scrub that door handle.

11 04 2008
JustMe

i go to a school where there are a lot of white people and the women are not cleaner then the guys they do the same thing. i’ll go in the bathroom and smell that someone is taking a shit, and while i’m going to the bathroom they’ll leave without washing their hands or just run water on them. it really disgusts me, most of the time when i know someone is taking a dump i’ll just leave cuz the smell is horrible. its like they have to take a dump all the time.

i can bring myself to take a dump in a public restroom, it just would not feel right.

23 06 2008
4m_no_2_dc

During summer internship at an accounting office, this woman
“the phantom shitter”
would take a shit everyday at 10 am. and sweet black jesus that things that came from her ass….

white people get mrsa way more than black people… everytime you see someone on tv with a gross ass sickness, its a white person. example:
-west nile virus
-msra
-the bubonic plauge (2002, new york)

that shit is gross.

i agree with everyone on here when they say black women shed… i shed soooooooo bad. but i don’t leave my hairlings for men to find.

12 11 2008
Earnest Ramsey

t02f8ix07573rx5h

10 01 2009
black are nasty

go to the welfare line and smell the dirty black people

24 02 2009
MSEVIL

“go to the welfare line and smell the dirty black people”

How in the hell do you know that blacks in a welfare line smell unless your “stank” ass is there contributing to the stink? Get your little pissy ass off the computer and take your ass to bed. I hate kids!

12 05 2009
chana155

u know what WHITE PEOPLE IF U DON’T WANT TO KNOW HOW BLACK PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT U WHY THE HELL U LOOKING AT IT DAMN

24 05 2009
lola

that ‘white women’s weave you see everywhere could probably be black woman’s weave. weave sheds like a bitch loll

24 05 2009
lola

ah i meant white womens hair ahah

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