I was enjoying the hell outta myself in Puerto Rico until, during my complimentary breakfast at the hotel, I was served a so-called ‘banana’ that was about the size of my thumb.
The tiny food didn’t end there. There was also a tangerine about the size of a testicle, a grapefruit the size of a small orange, and a slice of watermelon from a fruit that couldn’t have been much bigger than a softball. For the wait staff to serve me, a 6’3″ 190 lb grown-ass man, this diminutive clusterfuck of fruit led me to the very obvious conclusion that everyone in Puerto Rico is trying to kill me. I spent the rest of my vacation giving the locals the stink eye.
Figure 1: Puerto Rican breakfast…and the reason they don’t have the strength to assert their independence from the U.S.
I was only mildly upset about the tiny fruit until my companion, who grew up in Africa and is a newly naturalized U.S. citizen, proceeded to say this:
“Dude, this is how big fruit really is. It’s not that genetically engineered, hormone injected giant fruit crap that you find in the States. This is what real fruit really looks like.”
This statement hurled me into a dimension of pissed off I never even knew existed.
Don’t you just love it when foreigners come to the U.S. telling you how shit ‘should be’? They say that things ‘should be’ as they are in their home country, in spite of the fact that their country is so fucked up they found it necessary to flee to this one. Their opinions of this kind extend from international banking all the way down to how big food should be.
Figure 2: Knows how to fix your country
Well ya know what goddammit? Being from the world’s sole remaining superpower entitles me to tell you foreign fuckers exactly how big food should be*:
Figure 3: George Washington Crossing the Delaware
That’s right – if the food is too small to be made into a fully functional kayak, it ain’t fuckin’ food and it sure as hell ain’t American – and least of all is it acceptable to black people. Wanna piss off a black person? Offer that fucker some finger food and watch what happens to you.
Figure 4: Offered his friend Keyshawn a Bagel Bite
Feed me giant fruit and pork ribs, or get your fucking ass kicked. I’m pretty sure that’s the last sentence in the Constitution.
*I truly cannot wait for non-Americans to respond with their cliched “yea you’re a superpower…for now” bullshit, as if dudes from Tanzania, Canada, and even China are just chomping at the bit to invade North Carolina. Yes, fool, we ARE a superpower for now – and NOW is all that matters right NOW. Staking a claim on the global moral high ground ain’t gonna topple the U.S. – because while you may have sophisticated worldly rhetoric, we have this fucking thing. So until you can field a blue water navy to shove a new opinion down my throat, shut the fuck up and eat your tiny fruit.