Tiny Food

13 03 2008

I was enjoying the hell outta myself in Puerto Rico until, during my complimentary breakfast at the hotel, I was served a so-called ‘banana’ that was about the size of my thumb.

The tiny food didn’t end there. There was also a tangerine about the size of a testicle, a grapefruit the size of a small orange, and a slice of watermelon from a fruit that couldn’t have been much bigger than a softball. For the wait staff to serve me, a 6’3″ 190 lb grown-ass man, this diminutive clusterfuck of fruit led me to the very obvious conclusion that everyone in Puerto Rico is trying to kill me. I spent the rest of my vacation giving the locals the stink eye.

prbreakfast.jpg

Figure 1: Puerto Rican breakfast…and the reason they don’t have the strength to assert their independence from the U.S.

I was only mildly upset about the tiny fruit until my companion, who grew up in Africa and is a newly naturalized U.S. citizen, proceeded to say this:

“Dude, this is how big fruit really is. It’s not that genetically engineered, hormone injected giant fruit crap that you find in the States. This is what real fruit really looks like.”

This statement hurled me into a dimension of pissed off I never even knew existed.

Don’t you just love it when foreigners come to the U.S. telling you how shit ‘should be’? They say that things ‘should be’ as they are in their home country, in spite of the fact that their country is so fucked up they found it necessary to flee to this one. Their opinions of this kind extend from international banking all the way down to how big food should be.

ghana.jpg

Figure 2: Knows how to fix your country

Well ya know what goddammit? Being from the world’s sole remaining superpower entitles me to tell you foreign fuckers exactly how big food should be*:

giantpumpkin.jpg

Figure 3: George Washington Crossing the Delaware

That’s right – if the food is too small to be made into a fully functional kayak, it ain’t fuckin’ food and it sure as hell ain’t American – and least of all is it acceptable to black people. Wanna piss off a black person? Offer that fucker some finger food and watch what happens to you.

blackeye.jpg

Figure 4: Offered his friend Keyshawn a Bagel Bite

Feed me giant fruit and pork ribs, or get your fucking ass kicked. I’m pretty sure that’s the last sentence in the Constitution.

*I truly cannot wait for non-Americans to respond with their cliched “yea you’re a superpower…for now” bullshit, as if dudes from Tanzania, Canada, and even China are just chomping at the bit to invade North Carolina. Yes, fool, we ARE a superpower for now – and NOW is all that matters right NOW. Staking a claim on the global moral high ground ain’t gonna topple the U.S. – because while you may have sophisticated worldly rhetoric, we have this fucking thing. So until you can field a blue water navy to shove a new opinion down my throat, shut the fuck up and eat your tiny fruit.

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29 responses

13 03 2008
shabooty

tiny food aka soul-less food!

i agree and at the very least the chinese with their tempora might give u a dinky ass vegetable, but the surrounding mass of ‘fried’ makes it more acceptable.

$

14 03 2008
Darius T. Williams

So – this is HILARIOUS. I’m actually going through Puerto Rico on my way to a Caribbean cruise this weekend – will be there for 8 days. I’ll make sure I stay away from the tiny food – lol.

14 03 2008
Kia

Your anger in the morning makes me smile. lol. You are truly a riot. Keep it up.

14 03 2008
Mrs. Kennedy

I got married in Puerto Rico and my husband would agree with you. Tiny food is for babies and suckas. And I’m also pretty sure “or get your fucking ass kicked” is in the Constitution, too. . . I heart your blog.

15 03 2008
fruitarian

I have to have large fruit. Big ass green grapes, large oranges, and huge strawberries. I always seem to find extremely large, fresh, juicy fruit. And people always ask me for a piece. Hell no, you can’t have a piece, go to BJ’s warehouse and buy your own.

15 03 2008
Irene

You are a sick individual. Just Ridiculous. Haha. Tiny fruit is more concentrated and therefore tastier. I think…

15 03 2008
JustABlackDude

This shit is hilarious…and so true. People love to come over here and say “well back in …”

Fuck that! If it’s so much better GO BACK. Oh wait – that’s right – you came here so you wouldn’t fall victim to GENOCIDE!

16 03 2008
whiteblackeducatedhater

either lots of this was forced or you genuinely are an asshole–well i guess they’re not mutually exclusive. but apparently, some people do think genocide is funny so…what do i know?

not knowing the impact that our genetically engineered food will have on our health does at least interest me–perhaps to the point of concern–even if it doesn’t exactly “worry” me at the moment.

perhaps the u.s. government will continue being a world superpower for a long time, but the way the u.s. dollar and job starts in the states are plummeting, it’s hard to say that actual american people are any better for it.

and re: your other entry
Mercedes was a name long before it was a luxury car. but maybe ignorance is funny, too.

16 03 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

WhiteBlackEducatedHater,

Feel free to read this at any time: http://stuffblackpeoplehate.com/why-you-shouldnt-read-this-blog/

I find it hilarious when I, a person of partial Native American descent, am told how I should feel about genocide…so yes, ignorance IS funny!

17 03 2008
Natalie

LMAO…wow. If I were to read nothing else on here, it’d have to be the captions for the figures. Pure and utter comedy.

17 03 2008
Jess

Oh, this was brilliant; I almost started crying with laughter about half way through.

*whispers* But don’t forget about Britain and her Commonwealth – we’re a Superpower as well as America :]

18 03 2008
whiteblackeducatedhater

dude im mad you’re black (right?) and you had to invoke the indian in your family to give yourself genocide-cred. your blackness is more than sufficient for that, lol.

i did read it, got it, thanks!

18 03 2008
Admiral Furious

FIGURE 2 HAS ME IN KNOTS!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

sdlkngseiognulsejngap9ewrugoaljewrgn3po94ugnaeo48tgha39elgui

20 03 2008
EatMe

Nice. LOL@(Fig 2).

20 03 2008
Ms. Kristine

To JustABlackDude:

Hilarious and so true! Folks are always telling someone to go back where they came from! LOLOL! It’s like just be happy you got into THE U.S. of A. now, SAT DOWN, SHAT UP and enjoy the ride foreigner! 😦 yet pure comedy!

20 03 2008
LA to VA

LOL…OK..I hadn’t read the other entries on this blog, but since I commented on one post, I decided to read the others I missed. But, this had me dying….I would be mad as HELL at that plate, I’m too used to our gentically enhanced foor to eat a that plate of doll food. That just would not cut it.

20 03 2008
LA to VA

Figure 2 is now my screen saver at work LOL…..but, I guess I should take it down before I scare the white people

27 03 2008
KG

BAGEL BITES!!!!! I love those, but yes, they are on the tiny side. And kind of expensive (relatively speaking) when they’re not on sale. Black people need to stop fuckin’ around and go back to making home-made pizza w/ white bread, Ragu and Polly-o string cheese. Damn I’m working hard, been reading this all day!

27 03 2008
OLM

whiteblackeducatedhater,

Thanks for being overtly rascists!

31 03 2008
sarah

hands down the funniest post on your blog!

3 04 2008
shadygrounds

This blog is simply smashing. In my humble opinion of course. As this post is rather debatable I don’t think all your blog visitors are going to agree with it.

9 04 2008
nyc

Somehow Chief Zee, a man who mocked and ridiculed Natives was not considered funny, yet you mock Africans, genocide, and those truly suffering in third world nations. So I’m to understand that Natives are off limits but everyone else’s suffering is fair game.? Just a thought.

9 04 2008
stuffblackpeoplehate

Here’s a thought for you:

http://stuffblackpeoplehate.com/why-you-shouldnt-read-this-blog/

If you read some of the other blogs, you’ll notice that I’ve mocked Native Americans for things a lot more serious than Chief fucking Zee. Wanna see a third world country? Take a trip over to the Pine Ridge reservation in South Dakota.

Please have a clue next time you get all ‘profound’ on me, asswipe.

9 04 2008
nija

stuffblackpeoplehate (09:22:22) :

Here’s a thought for you:

http://stuffblackpeoplehate.com/why-you-shouldnt-read-this-blog/

If you read some of the other blogs, you’ll notice that I’ve mocked Native Americans for things a lot more serious than Chief fucking Zee. Wanna see a third world country? Take a trip over to the Pine Ridge reservation in South Dakota.

Please have a clue next time you get all ‘profound’ on me, asswipe.

HA HA HA HA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really like you. You just made my day.

25 04 2008
HB

@whiteblackeducatedhater About “you had to invoke the indian in your family to give yourself genocide-cred. your blackness is more than sufficient for that, lol” Not that I would know, just being a white girl, but even a nominally educated person (read – most folks educated in the US k-12 school system) should only have to think for about 2 seconds to realize that there’s a helluva lot more black people around than there are Native Americans, and thus there was a more complete genocide against that group than against black Americans. Not to mention that even though racism is alive and well against all non-white folks, there’s a pretty decent number of said folks who are still doing pretty damn well in spite of it. Not so for Indians, as there aren’t too many left, and they are still getting treated like shit by the gov’t. (I don’t know much about this last topic, that statement is based on a personal belief that bad karma will result for those whose money is earned from running gambling businesses. And this seems to be one of the main ways the gov’t wants to “help the Natives help themselves”.)

2 05 2008
Yalipop

why would you eat dainty fruit when you can have a big plate full of arroz con pollo, lechon asado, or mofongo? i mean, even for breakfast….
but really tho, i never comment on your blogs but i spend much of the nc state government’s time and money reading them when i should be working 🙂

8 06 2008
Mamonchino

Ok so stuff blak people hate?? What about black people, and who ru to even talk about u being all super world power when most white people and all other countries throw black people out like monkeys in cages??Ya theres kikass ones who are normal but ive never seen such bullshit where if u dont make it in the rap or music industry u cry like bitches cuz u cant get a fucking education. What says you have even the right to talk about even being a part of society with all ur rap bullshit and dancing around like monkeys and using ur ancestors slavery as a excuse for shit u havent even experienced? Small food its where africans come from! Shit countries! In south america u people are thrown in slums and even have brazilian version of shit bs music! Maybe u shuld insult urselves too instead of other people! Ur blak right? Ur fukin ancestors prob moved to america cuz of genocide asshole. The only way brasils shit is cuz of blak people and their the only ones in slums while all others are high class. Keep ur fat ass america oooh ya and why are other currencies kickin ur ass anyways?? huh??

8 08 2008
JessAKA Rabbitt

What’s with Mamonchino???? Anyway, the blog is funny but figure 4 of the child is super inappropriate…it kinda hurt to see it and while i know you don’t care and may direct me to “why i shouldn’t read” i couldn’t help but mention that that photo is in bad taste-regardless of the caption

1 10 2008
e.b. wonderin

Again, the Americanization of even our so-called original ideas comes into play in this blog. When in Rome, do as the Romans. Enjoy the things that aren’t you. Your life will be more fulfilled and you won’t have all that unnecessary anger.
You criticize a foreigner who expressed his p.o.v., yet you desire to express yours while you yourself were a foreigner in a foreign land. If there’s a mirror around, use it to look INSIDE of yourself. If you ever visit again, enjoy Puerto. And MAN… you should REALLY start thinking about breaking the stereotype, (yes, you officially fit the bill) of the ANGRY… OOOOOOOOOOH… BLACK MAN. Tiny food pisses you off… ha… Grow some TANGERINES and get upset about some real shit… like… battling racist stereotypes maybe?

The Good Life for All,

e

p.s. Don’t you just love it when foreigners come to (Puerto Rico) telling you how (fruit) should be’? Get a mirror, JOKE!

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