Remember when Beyonce was black?
Figure 1: Who the fuck is this?
I’m trying to figure out exactly when Beyonce morphed from one of the most beautiful black women in the country into a beautiful big-assed corn fed white girl. The best way to do this, of course, is to examine the history of her public images. Please examine Figures 2 and 3 below, which examine the increasing whiteness of Beyonce as a member of Destiny’s Child and as a soloist:
Figure 2: The Inexplicable Whiteness of Beyonce – Destiny’s Child (click image for larger view)
Figure 3: The Inexplicable Whiteness of Beyonce – Solo Career (click image for larger view)
Given these timelines and images, we can safely conclude that Beyonce turned into a white woman sometime between November 15, 2004 (the release date of ‘Destiny Fulfilled’) and October 25, 2005 (the release of ‘#1s’). But when exactly did that happen, and why?
After about 30 seconds of in-depth research, I found the one and only possible source for the answer: Jay-Z.
Shawn Carter, a.k.a. Jay-Z, was born on December 4, 1969 and was Beyonce’s secret and not-so-secret lover at the time of her Caucasiafication. This leads to a conclusion as Earth-shattering as any Da Vinci code revelation:
Beyonce became white on December 4, 2004 as a birthday present to Jay-Z.
Well God damn. To anyone who thinks that’s a good thing, just remember:
Figure 4: Unacceptable